Archive of Our Own

"Get back here, Beetlejuice!" Barbara cried as she chased him through the house. "Help! Help! She wants to kill me!" He called as he ran. " Beetlejuice, in here." Lydia called, bringing the demon into her room. "Thanks Scarecrow. She really wants me this time. She's got a rope and everything." "Well, what did you do? Did you break her pottery again?" "No. I swear I didn't. I was chilling in the living room when she came in and tried to put a rope around my neck! I'm all for tying people up. But even I know you need consent first." "You must have really pissed her off for her to try and kill you. But, you can't die. You're already dead. So what's the big deal?" "The big deal is BARBARA IS ON A MURDERING RAMPAGE!" The scared demon yelled. "You could be next, ya know." He told Lydia. "Oh Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Be-" "Don't say it a third time, Scarecrow. You know better." He admonished. "Sorry. As I was saying. She probably isn't trying to kill you. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation." Lydia was adamant. "Let me see what I can do." ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× Lydia went up to the attic while Beetlejuice cowered in her room. "Barbara? Can I talk to you a moment?" She asked. "Of course, Is everything alright?" Barbara asked with concern. "Everything is...well, not fine. Beetlejuice thinks you want to kill him." Barbara looked horrified. "Why would I want to kill him? He hasn't done anything wrong, has he?" "No. But apparently he was minding his own business and you tried to strangle him with a rope." Explained Lydia. "Oh. I didn't mean for him to take it like that. I only wanted to measure him for a sweater I'm knitting. I had a tape measure, not a rope. Oh, the poor dear. That's why he ran away screaming. I feel so bad." Barbara was almost tearing up. "Barbara, honey, what's wrong?" Asked Adam as he entered the attic and saw his wife. "Oh, I just made a mess of things with Beetlejuice. He thinks I want to kill him. All I wanted was to take his measurements so I could knit him a sweater. I sat down next to him while he was watching TV. I asked him if I could measure his neck. He nodded, and when I started he screamed and ran away." "Oh! He probably was so into the program that he didn't realize what you were asking. Then to suddenly find a tape measure around his neck." Explained Adam. "So he didn't hear me and just assumed...I feel so bad now." Barbara said. "You don't need to feel bad. It was an honest mistake. I'm sure once Lydia explains everything to him he'll willingly let you measure him." Adam gave his wife a hug. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"Beetlejuice, you can come out now." Lydia said as she talked to the demon under her bed. "How bad is it? Does she want to chop me up in little pieces and eat me?" "Beetlejuice! No. She just wants to knit you a sweater. She wasn't trying to kill you, she was trying to measure you." "Measure? Me? For a sweater? Well why didn't she just say so!" "She did. You were too busy watching TV to notice." "Oh. Yeah. I gotta make it up to Babs. Tell me what to do," "Well I think you need to go to the attic and make things right."
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"Gee, Babs, I'm sorry I ran away from you. I didn't realize you wanted to make me a sweater." Beetlejuice said. "Oh, you don't need to apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. I'm sorry I scared you." Barbara replied. "Now, about that sweater. What color would you like it in?" "You know me. Black and white, please." "Stripes or Swiss dots?" "Stripes oof course." "Now if you'll hold still I can measure you. Alright?" Barbara was a little skeptical about Beetlejuice's cooperation. "Okay!" A few moments later Barbara said, "there now, that was easy. Quick and painless." "When will the sweater be done?" Asked Beetlejuice. "In a few weeks." Answered Barbara. ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× It took six weeks for Barbara to make the sweater. And for those six weeks Beetlejuice drove everyone else crazy talking about the sweater. "So Chuck, how long do you think it will take Babs to knit the sweater?" He asked Charles. "I don't know. Now please go away, I have a very important call to make." Replied Charles tersely. "I think she has the sleeves done. Do you know how long this sweater will take? " He asked Delia. "Well, I don't know. I've never been into knitting. But I can tell you that walking around annoying people won't get it done any faster. Maybe some crystals and meditation would help you calm down. You know, as my former guru Otho used to say-" Beetlejuice walked away and didn't hear the rest of the speech. Maybe Lydia would help. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"Lydia! How long does it take to-" "NO! You asked me this question yesterday and the day before that. And every day before that since Barbara started knitting your sweater. Now I know nothing about knitting and even less about making a sweater. I am trying to do homework right now. If you want to know so badly why not just ask Barbara yourself?" Lydia picked up a textbook and went back to reading. Beetlejuice however was shocked. Why hadn't he thought of asking Barbara about the sweater?
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"I'm sorry Beetlejuice, I'm knitting as fast as I can. It will be at least another week before I'm done. Maybe two." Barbara explained. "TWO WEEKS?" Complained Beetlejuice. "I can only go so fast. Any faster and you won't have a sweater, you'll have a ball of yarn." Beetlejuice didn't like hearing this. Barbara had been at it for four weeks already. "Go do something with someone else please. I'm trying to concentrate." Well that was as good as kicking him out of the attic.
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It was official, Beetlejuice had become annoying on a whole new level. "Now Charles, remember what the doctor said. You have to keep your blood pressure down or you'll be on medication. Here, hold a couple of crystals and try to calm down." Delia instructed. "My dear, I am calm. But if that green haired freak asks me about that sweater one more time I just may lose my mind." Charles replied. It turned out that Lydia wasn't very far behind him. "I'll murder him again if he asks me one more question!," She said. "Lydia that won't do anyone any good. Maybe if we all took up knitting we could-" Charles started. "She's done!" Adam said as he burst into the living room. Finally the madness was over.
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"Ya mean it's really done?" Beetlejuice asked Barbara. "Yes. Now let's go try it on in the living room." She walked down stairs holding the much sought after object. "This is gonna be awesome!" Beetlejuice Exclaimed as everyone gathered. "Beetlejuice, I present your sweater." Barbara held out the garment. Beetlejuice took the sweater and examined it. It was the best thing anyone had ever made him. It was the only thing anyone had ever made him and it was beautiful. He put it on, it fit like a glove. "How do I look?" He asked. "Beetlejuice you look really good." Said Lydia. "You look lovely." Said Barbara and everyone else agreed. "Go look in the mirror." Suggested Adam. Beetlejuice did just that and suddenly he began to cry. "I'm sorry." He said. "Nobody has ever done anything this nice for me before." Lydia went and hugged him along with Adam and Barbara. "Thanks guys." Was all he said. ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× Beetlejuice loved his sweater. He even wore it to bed. "Uh, Beetlejuice? Wouldn't you be more comfortable in your pajamas?" Asked Lydia. "Oh, yeah. But that means taking this beautiful sweater off and I don't want to." He insisted. "You know, you can take off the sweater, change your clothes, then put the sweater back on, right?" "Yeah but." "But nothing. Change into those striped fleece pajamas and then wear your sweater on top. You're lucky you're already dead because otherwise you'd be hotter than hell." "Come on Scarecrow, Hell isn't that hot." "You can't feel pain or heat or cold, remember." "Oh yeah. Well, you gotta make yourself scarce if I'm gonna change. Don't want to scar you for life, Scarecrow." He joked. Lydia left him to change clothes. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

In the coming days Beetlejuice wore the sweater so much that Delia had to wash it. However, Beetlejuice wasn't removing it without a fight. "Now Beetlejuice, your sweater is dirty. I need to wash it. You'll like it once it comes out of the dryer, I promise." Well, Beetlejuice did like nice warm things, and his sweater did need a good clean. He decided to let Delia have it. "I want it back the moment the dryer is done." He insisted. And so it was that Delia brought him the sweater right from the dryer. Beetlejuice sniffed it. "Flowers. I like the smell of flowers they remind me of funerals." He said. Then he put the sweater on. "Ooh. It's so nice and warm and smells so good. I don't know how to thank you." "Just let me wash it once a week, okay?" Delia asked. Beetlejuice could live with that. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××

The sweater was such a hit that Barbara decided to make everyone sweaters. That winter everyone was warm and toasty. Then Barbara hung up her needles and decided to take up scrapbooking. Everyone was happy again and Beetlejuice went back to watching basketball.