Chapter Text
paige wasn't gay. she didn't like girls. she was sure of it. she only liked azzi.
but even somewhere deep down inside, paige knew this can't be true; she knew what it meant to ‘only’ like one girl. but these are thought she always thought she would never let herself access, except for recently its all she can think of.
azzi comes round once or twice a week, on the nights paige knew nika wouldn't be home, where there would be no-one to see their dirty secret. after, paige always cleans up, leaving her room just as messy as it was before azzi came and not one inch messier, nor one inch cleaner. every trace of what they had done would disappear, except for the first time paige had a physical confrontation of their actions.
after one particularly heated night, paige moved through the motions as she always does. she pulls out her stuffed animals from her closet and throws them back on her bed, she places the towel they used to clean themselves up with at the very bottom of the wash basket and she sprays the vanilla room spray matching to her shampoo around her room, praying that it masks the scent of her secret. azzi never stays and paige makes sure she upholds this part of their deal.
but this time, as she’s rummaging through her drawer, trying to find the spray, her room goes completely dark. her tiny, almost magical light source cut out. paige froze like the darkness frightened her. like it woke her up.
she only turned those fairy lights on when her and azzi slept together. any other time she wants to, she’s immediately reminded of everything that light sees. everything she hides. and now that light is dead. maybe it's a sign from god that she needs to stop messing around with azzi, that it’s the wrong thing to do.
slowly, she walks to her big light and switches it on, flinching slightly with how bright it is. deciding suddenly that her room is clean enough, paige approaches her fairy lights and reaches to grab the battery pack. one at a time, she removes the batteries and just for a moment, stands there staring at them, not knowing whether she should hide them under her pillow or throw them out of the nearest window. whether she should keep this close to her or as far away as possible.
she goes against both these options and keeps them right in her hand, where she can make sure they stay hidden. passively, paige changes her still damp underwear and puts on her pajama trousers. grabbing the first shirt she sees, she pulls it over her head and gets into bed, the batteries still firmly in her grip. carefully she puts her phone on her nightstand, on top of her bible, which she’s having more trouble than she would admit reading recently.
for the first time in a while, paige allows her to be alone with her thoughts. fidgeting with those tainted batteries in her hands, paige wonders what they mean. should she break things off with azzi? go back to being just the friends everyone thinks they are? no. paige couldn't do that to herself. a single tear runs down her face as she lies by herself in the bed she was sharing a mere hour ago. the guilt she feels every time after she sees azzi at night seems stronger tonight than it ever has, almost like it will swallow her and paige doesn't have the energy to fight it anymore. one tear turns to two which turns into a waterfall of emotions pouring out of paige, emotions she never ever wanted to unpack, ones that she thought she was strong enough to hide forever.
whenever she gets like this, she calls azzi. but this is the one thing she cant talk to her about, its their unwritten rule to never mention what happens at night to each other once its done. it briefly crosses her mind to see if nika has gotten home yet and to talk to her but shame stops her. how pathetic, paige thinks to herself, she cant even speak it out loud to her best friend. with her body physically shaking in tears, paige falls asleep, thinking about how her gorgeous best friend somehow became her biggest secret.
-
light glaring in through her blinds hit her in the face before her alarm could. paige’s eyes fluttered open almost like it was a struggle, way before she thought they’d have to but since she was up already, she thought she’d have an early start before practise. dragging herself from under the comfort of her duvet, she stumbled into the kitchen to find nika already there, making a coffee.
‘you good bro? i could kinda hear crying last night’
‘yeah all good, just tired and stressed i think’ paige responds rubbing her puffy eyes.
and that's true. she is tired and stressed. stressed about what to do with azzi. stressed about her sins. stressed about how to talk to her teammates and family. and tired of just about everything.
‘alright i’m always here to talk if you need to’ nika responded, worried about the girl she’s gotten so close to, sensing that she’s dealing with more than she’s letting on.
paige hums in return, not making eye contact in fear of any unemptied tears spilling out. she walks to the sink and fills herself a cup of water before walking back to her room, saying nothing more to her dorm mate even though she could feel her concerned eyes staring at her.
a beat passed. paige sat at the side of her bed, her foot tapping up and down.
paige isn't as strong as everyone thinks she is. most days she’s just trying to hang on and play the role she’s meant for. the team’s leader, someone who everyone can rely on and someone no-one should have to worry about. except as the days go on, its becoming harder and harder for paige to mask her emotions and it seems impossible for her to continue being the girl whose image she’s been trying so hard to maintain. she’s reminded of highschool all of a sudden. that was the last time her anxiety was as bad as it is now, the last time she resorted to the same awful coping methods she’s trying hard to resist now. she still remembers how it felt to replace her mental pain with physical pain, how good it felt in the moment and then the consequence of a stinging shower afterwards. her eyes were suddenly glued to her sock drawer, where she kept the weapon of her choice that she was never quite able to throw away. she stared for a few moments before forcing herself to look elsewhere.
8:42. her clock read. practice starts at 9, paige reminds herself. a fleeting thought passes her mind, one which tells her to skip practice and class today, just this once, that no-one will miss her anyway and she’ll just tell nika to tell coach that she’s sick. that much wouldn't be a lie. ignoring her better judgement, paige, now with the same blurred eyes as last night, unlocks her phone and finds nika’s contact.
‘hey, dont feel too well, i’m staying in bed today, tell coach for me?’
‘yeah sure of course, feel better soon i’ll come check on you later, love ya’
paige doesn't respond to that message.