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He can’t breathe. The darkness threatens to swallow him. The walls are pushing closer, the ceiling is slowly falling. He’ll get crushed. He can’t move.
Joshua can only lay in bed, unblinking, while tears slowly spill from his eyes.
He’s scared. But he can’t make a sound. It’s too quiet. The silence rings in his ears like a siren.
He can’t breathe.
He’s in pain. Terrified.
Is he enough? Is he deserving? Isn’t he just a burden?
The walls seem to echo the same sentiment - you are, you are, you are…
The window is about to shatter. The shards will embed themselves into his body but he won’t feel them. His limbs are numb. The pain suffocating him is too strong for him to feel anything.
“Hey-”
A deep rumble. Rustling of sheets. The walls come to a stop. The window is about to burst but doesn’t.
Something warm cups his cheek and tilts his head to the side. Worried dark eyes. Thick brows furrowed and lips pursed. They watch each other for a few seconds during which everything is still. Then Seungcheol comes closer.
His hand combs Joshua’s hair away from his face, cradling the back of his head while he covers his lover’s body with his. He knows Joshua can take it, so he doesn’t force his body to wake up, doesn’t extort any strength for the simple movement. He lets his entire body weight to press the man under him into the mattress. His lips find his forehead.
Finally, Joshua takes a deep, shaky breath. More of a gasp. Like he’s being brought back to life.
The walls back off. Slowly, they return to their place and settle into their lifelessness. The window is just that - a window. The sky seems to be on fire. The pollution is worse these days. Someone forgot to close the curtains and Jeonghan will whine about it in the morning.
“I got you,” Seungcheol murmurs. His thumb strokes the side of Joshua’s head. His other hand pushes its way under his back to hold him. “I got you.”
Joshua nuzzles into the crook of his neck. He breathes. And with each inhale and exhale, he gains more control over his body. Pinned against the bed, he feels safe. There’s nothing else. Only Seungcheol’s body, firm and warm and heavy on top of him. Seungcheol’s breath against the top of his head. Seungcheol’s hold on him. The soft fabric of his shirt. The uncomfortable bump of a blanket pushing at his side.
But it’s all real. No demons, no walls closing in.
There’s moonlight coming through the window too. The sound of wind blowing outside. Jeonghan’s quiet snores that he will insist are a fragment of Joshua’s imagination. Joshua sniffles. Seungcheol hugs him tighter.
“I’m here, baby,” he whispers, pressing a few kisses against the side of his head, “Right here.”
“Thank you,” Joshua manages to croak back.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he hums.
Seungcheol is perfect. He feels every inch of his body pressing down on him, keeping him in the moment. Not stuck inside his head. Joshua can breathe better with the added weight putting pressure on his chest. His tears get wiped away, his forehead is kissed once more. He smiles. A feat that seemed impossible only minutes ago.
Slowly, he wills his arms to move and wrap around Seungcheol’s waist. He buries his face further into the shelter that is his lover’s body. He’s more than welcomed, soothed by more tender kisses.
“And me?” comes a soft voice. Sleepy. Raspy. But so, so gentle.
There’s another hand playing with his hair now. The weight shifts on the mattress as it dips more to one of his sides. It feels warmer now. A sound of a kiss being given. He smiles through a new wave of tears. They spill when he feels a new pair of lips against his temple.
“Hey, baby,” Jeonghan purrs as he joins them. Seungcheol moves his arm from under Joshua to pull the other half-asleep man closer and makes space for him to rest his head next to Joshua’s. He remains lying on top of him, however, for which Joshua is grateful beyond words. “Couldn’t sleep?”
He can only nod. It always goes like that. He gets a headache that keeps him awake, he takes the painkillers and sometimes they’re enough. Sometimes they’re not. Tonight they’re not.
And it just kind of spirals from there.
“Our poor Shua,” Seungcheol whispers, nuzzling into his hair.
“You can always wake us up,” Jeonghan reminds him. No blame. No asking why he didn’t. Just the loving look in his eyes that Joshua peeks out of his hiding place to see.
“I know,” Joshua responds. He does. But it never seems to cross his mind as an actual option. They seem so far away then. Safe from the trap that is the walls pushing closer. Safe from the darkness. And at least that is something to feel reassured by.
“Don’t look down on us. We’d still look younger than you, even without our beauty sleep,” Jeonghan teases. One of his hands covers Joshua’s but he doesn’t try to pry it away. Joshua lets go on his own, lets Jeonghan bring it to his chest.
He can feel his heartbeat, slow, steady, right under his palm. Just as Seungcheol’s heart is beating against his chest, against his own heart.
“No way,” he eventually opposes Jeonghan. Too late, but it doesn’t matter.
“He said younger, not cuter,” Seungcheol chuckles, “Or prettier.”
This is the one time Jeonghan doesn’t push it. Just leans in to kiss Joshua’s forehead although he has to put in some effort to reach. Joshua only hums. Seungcheol feels his lips pout against his skin. Jeonghan can hear the sulking in his voice.
“You can still catch up,” Jeonghan smiles, “But you need to go to sleep with us.”
Joshua’s stomach twists a little. He peeks out from under Seungcheol’s shoulder to look at the man lying next to him.
“He’s right,” the eldest agrees, “You must be exhausted.”
He is. He really is. But the prospect of lying in the darkness all alone again is horrifying. So he pulls on Seungcheol’s shirt to keep him closer.
“We’ll hold you,” Jeonghan promises, “It’ll be better if you sleep between us, right?”
Joshua nods reluctantly. He’s not a liar. Even if he has his doubts that it’s going to be enough tonight.
Slowly, Seungcheol pushes himself off his body. He panics. Despite his lovers’ reassurance and encouragement. Yet the space that Seungcheol makes, Jeonghan takes up for himself. Joshua gives him a surprised look.
“Is this okay?” the man asks, leaning up to kiss the tip of his nose.
“Yeah,” Joshua nods.
“Good,” Seungcheol murmurs, happily nuzzling into Joshua’s neck.
Jeonghan settles in the same position on his other side. Both his boyfriends have their arms around him, lying half on top of him, their legs a jumbled mess. Their weight holds him down so that he doesn’t float away into his nightmares.
“Love you,” he whispers. Without a thought. Without hesitation. Without a doubt.
He gets a set of two love you’s back.
Joshua’s not sure how long it takes him to fall asleep. But he knows they’re still awake and watching over him when he starts losing consciousness.