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Suo was never one for strong feelings, neither positive or negative. There are only a few things Suo would say that he disliked. Natto was one of them. He never was keen on the food, both from a taste and texture standpoint, as well as a memory standpoint. Natto was common in his old home.
Although, there are things Suo hated. A feeling to be specific, and the things that led to that feeling. A horrible, overwhelming feeling, a feeling of extreme discomfort, both physical and emotional. He felt trapped. Forced into a body that didn’t feel right. So many things would trigger this feeling. Hearing that name, people referring to him in a way that made his skin crawl, something as simple as existing would make this feeling spring, he hated it.
But when he started training under his master, the feeling appeared less and less. His master cut his hair for him, referred to him as ‘Suo’ instead of the name that would make Suo feel sick. Yet Suo still felt that feeling, and there wasn’t anything he could do whenever it hit him for just living his day to day life, he didn’t think there was anything he could do to fix that. He assumed he'd have to live with that feeling for the rest of his life.
Suo sits up, groaning slightly as he shuts off his alarm. While he didn’t have to leave for Furin for about an hour, he left time in the morning to meditate. He slips out of his futon, walking over to the small window in his room, running his hand through his hair, his curtains falling into their natural place. He pulls the blinds up, letting the natural sunlight hit his face, his eyes scrunching slightly, not expecting the brightness. After taking a moment to adjust to the light, Suo sits cross legged in the light of the sun, his hands resting in his lap, taking a deep breath before letting his eyes close.
“Young Suo, have you heard of a binder before?” Suo blinked owlishly at his master, who was standing in front of him after effortlessly sweeping Suo’s legs out from under him.
“No…what’s that?” Suo’s master takes a couple strides across the room, reaching into a drawer, pulling a piece of clothing out of the drawer, before walking over to Suo, joining him on the floor.
“This is a binder. I think it would help you with that feeling you told me you get from time to time. We’d have to get you your own one that fits properly, but that can be sorted. If you’re interested in having one, that is.” Suo reached out for the binder, taking it in his hands to have a feel of the material. It felt comfortable, and like it would be tight fitting. It reminded Suo of the tank tops his master occasionally wore, only tighter, and cropped.
“It’s tight.” Suo spoke more out loud than to his master explicitly, yet his master still gave a response.
“It’s supposed to be tight, but only to a certain degree. It helps to keep your chest flat.” Suo blinked once again at the binder, imagining himself in one. This would help with that dreadful feeling Suo felt? He glanced between his master and the binder in his hands.
“Can’t I just get what you got?” his master chuckled slightly, placing one hand against his chest, where Suo knew two crescent shaped scars were present.
“That will come with due time, my young Suo. For now, this is the first step.”
Suo remembers getting his first binder. It not only changed how he saw himself, but made that feeling appear less, making it so much easier to live his life. He also remembers the lecture that his master had given him when he got his first binder, telling him not to wear it for more than eight hours, not when he’s exercising, to take breaks. Suo knows the risks of doing so, and sometimes he tends to go over 8 hours, and since he started attending Furin, he’s wearing his binder during fights, but he’s yet to experience any pain while doing so. He opens his eyes once again, this time expecting the brightness of the sun. He takes another deep breath before standing, getting ready for his day. He slips on his binder, his changshan, then his Furin jacket. He ties his eyepatch around his head, pulling his hair out from where it gets caught under the strap of the eyepatch, he glances at himself in the mirror. He used to avoid mirrors like the plague, back when he had long hair, when he had freshly lost his eye, when he didn’t have access to a binder. Now though, Suo could confidently look in the mirror and be happy with his appearance.
Hayato. It’s a name Suo had heard only once or twice before. He liked the name, both from the idea of hearing himself referred to as that name, but also the meaning behind it. The name was often given to those who showed great speed and agility in combat, which Suo was commonly complimented on by his master. It took a lot of consideration for him to decide to throw out his old name for Hayato. Despite how sick he would feel whenever he’d be referred to as that name, it still felt wrong for him to simply throw it away. He eventually came to terms with the fact that he’d rather be comfortable with the name he’s being called than stick to the name his parents gave him.
Suo blocked the hit from his master, stepping back to avoid getting his legs sweeped. They stood in a standstill, eyes locked together before his master relaxed with a laugh.
“Oh, young Suo, how you’re improving everyday.” Suo also relaxed, following behind his master as he went over to the other side of the room. He grabbed both him and Suo a drink, handing Suo one. “How has the binder been?” Suo nodded as he swallowed the mouthful he had.
“Good. Not too tight. Helps a lot.” Suo locked eyes with his master as he saw him smile fondly, patting Suo on the shoulder as he walked past him.
“I’m glad it’s helping you out. Dysphoria is never a pleasant feeling.” Suo nodded slightly, not fully focussed on what his master had said, more imagining the idea of the name ‘Hayato’ coming out of his master’s mouth when addressing him.
“Suo?” Suo snapped out of his thoughts as he glanced up at his master. “Are you okay? You seem out of it.” He nodded
“Just…thinking.” His master cocked his head, a silent request for Suo to speak his thoughts
“...I think I want to go by Hayato.” He spoke apprehensively, almost as if his master would shun him for it. A light chuckle filled the room as his master smiled at him.
“Hayato. I think that’s quite a fitting name for you.” His master approached him, patting Suo on the shoulder. “You’re doing great, Hayato.”