Work Text:
Adam had a secret.
He supposed it wasn't as big or life-changing as Ronan's secrets, but. It was a secret, nonetheless.
An embarrassing secret. The type of secret that, if they are found out, make your cheeks burn and the hot rush of shame rolls down your body in sickening waves. The type of secret that makes you wish the Devil himself would come and privately escort you out of the room and straight into the pits of Hell.
Nobody knew. Not even Noah, who could possibly know, but if he did, he hasn't said anything.
Adam's secret is as follows:
Every time he has felt scared, small, or when Cabeswater got to be too much, too big, too daunting, he would sneak to into Monmouth Manufacturing. He would make sure no one was there, no Gansey, no Ronan, no Noah. He would break one of the cardinal rules of Monmouth, and he would go into Ronan's room.
He would go into Ronan's room, and sometimes Chainsaw would be there, sometimes she wouldn't. The times she would be there, Adam could feel the guilt coil in his stomach, and he would swallow thickly as she watched with judging eyes.
Adam would crawl into Ronan's bed, smell the sheets, inhale the scent of the forest, clean soap, burning rubber with a hint of gasoline, the tiniest bit of mint, the smell of something dangerous and entirely Ronan.
He would exhale shakily, come back down to Earth, back to his body, back to being Adam Parrish. Cabeswater would leave him, during this time, this quiet, sacred time as if it knew; it knew Adam needed this, needed to be alone, alone with his shame and Chainsaw and the smell of the Greywaren.
Today was one of those days. Cabeswater had kept murmuring to him during work, and he wanted to scream, I know. I know, and I am trying. He was stuck with tedious, boring busybody work, nothing challenging to keep him engaged and distracted from the leaves rustling in his ears.
After his shift was over, he walked out into the sticky heat of Henrietta’s summer, into his car, and drove immediately to Monmouth. Gansey and Blue and Noah were doing Glendower things, and Ronan was doing Barns things, and Adam could not get off work to go with either party.
Cabeswater roared in his ears.
He turned into the lot, and grabbed the spare key Gansey left for him under the doormat (“Just in case,” he always said to Adam). He unlocked the door, replaced the key, quietly shut the door, and locked it. He made his way to Ronan’s room.
He gently opened the door, Ronan’s room still a train wreck, clothes and dream things scattered about.
Chainsaw was in her cage, looking towards the door, and huffing upon realizing it was only Adam. She ruffled her feathers.
“Hello, Chainsaw,” Adam murmured, closing the door behind him. He pulled a package of oyster crackers out of his pocket, opening and tucking a couple into her cage.
They had struck up a bargain, Chainsaw and Adam.
Oyster crackers for silence.
Chainsaw ate the crackers.
Adam moved towards Ronan’s unmade bed, taking off his shoes, making sure his hands were clean of grease from work. He knelt on it gently, the springs creaking in protest, and he slowly, carefully, laid down. He grabbed the blankets and sheets tightly, gripping them and tangling himself within them.
He inhaled.
Cabeswater fell quiet inside of him.
He let out a relieved, shuddery exhale. He came back to his body. Back to Earth.
Back to being Adam Parrish.
“Kerah,” Chainsaw crowed. Adam turned his head towards her cage, where she observed him with a cocked head.
“Yeah,” Adam said through his trembling lips, “Ronan.”
“Kerah,” Chainsaw said again, more urgently this time, hitting the lock on her cage twice with her beak. Klck klck.
“Oh.” Adam said. He untangled himself from the sheets, moving and unlocking Chainsaw’s cage. “There you go.”
Chainsaw hopped onto Adam’s arm before flittering her way over to Ronan’s bed. She shook herself out before looking at Adam expectantly.
Adam blinked, moving to sit next to Chainsaw on the bed. He carefully rearranged himself back into the sheets, laying on his side, Chainsaw adjusting herself accordingly. She made herself comfortable in the area near his chest.
“Kerah.” she said again, but it was a gentle coo, quiet and happy.
Adam pulled the bag of oyster crackers out of his pocket, letting Chainsaw eat them out of the palm of his hand, his nose buried into Ronan’s sheets. He felt drowsy, the room warm with sunlight, Chainsaw rolling around comfortably before pressing her back against his chest, her talons stretching out before curling back in.
He was spooning. With a raven.
He carefully let his fingers run over her smooth feathers, scratching under her chin. She cooed appreciatively.
Adam felt his eyelids droop.
“Just a few minutes,” he murmured, closing his eyes, “Just a few minutes, then I’ll leave.”
-x-
When Adam woke up, he was not alone.
The little ball of warmth that was curled up near his chest was no longer there. Something bigger and warmer laid next to him.
Not something, someone.
Adam’s face was buried in their armpit.
Fear clutched at him, his muscles tensing, afraid to pull away and come face to face with the last person that he wanted to see.
“You know, Parrish,” Ronan began, Adam feeling his voice rumble through his chest cavity, “I knew you were an odd fellow, but I never took you for a creep.”
Ronan’s arm was casually wrapped around Adam, keeping him close while Adam’s fingers clutched at his black t-shirt. He smelled like the Barns; hay and grass, heavy and damp, something far away yet familiar, like home. He smelled slightly of blood.
Adam found it in him to look up at Ronan, who was rubbing the top of Chainsaw’s head with his other hand (the one not brushing against the bare skin of his back. Jesus Mary and Joseph, Adam thought), looking rather calm for someone who had found a ‘creep’ in his bed spooning with his raven.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said when he finally found his voice, “I am so, so sorry.”
Adam made a move to get up, to run away, to run away from this hurricane of a boy who smelled of hay and grass and soap and blood.
Ronan’s arm tightened around him.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said again, more panicked this time, “I just-Cabeswater was so loud and I-I don’t know why but coming here calms me down and-!”
“Parrish,” Ronan interrupted, “Adam.”
Adam stopped in his stumbled apology. He kept trying to move away, but Ronan held firm. Chainsaw shook herself out, observing Adam with somewhat apologetic gaze. I didn’t say anything, I swear.
Oyster crackers for silence.
“Adam.” Ronan said again after a beat of silence, “I’m not mad. Just, uh. I don’t know. Shocked, maybe? I didn’t expect you to do something like this. If anything I…” Ronan hesitated, looking from the ceiling to the window, the sun starting to get low in the sky. “…I mean, if anything, I expected…” he hesitated again, rubbing his free hand over his short bristles of hair with a frustrated noise, “Shit.” he spat, sitting up, Adam scrambling to do the same, and put some distance between them.
They stayed like that, Ronan sitting towards the middle of his bed, looking out the window, while Adam sat closer to the pillows, staring at the back of Ronan. Chainsaw sat on the bed between them before hopping onto Ronan’s shoulder and nipping at his ear.
“Keeah,” she said. It was a sound Adam had never heard from her before. “Keeah.” She said, louder than the first time, and with a sense of finality.
“Christ, I know, you shitty ass bird,” Ronan shouted, Chainsaw biting his ear again before Ronan shooed her away. She landed on Adam’s shoulder, giving Ronan a betrayed look, while Adam sat ramrod straight, unsure of proper bird etiquette. “Alright. Shit. What I’m trying to say, Parrish, is that the person that I would expect this sort of thing from is me.”
“…Um.” Adam replied. Ronan groaned in exasperation.
“The whole. Sneaking into your room when you’re not around. Fuck, Adam, what the hell am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to say when I find you tangled in my sheets like you belong there?”
“I’m not sure,” Adam said quietly. He felt nauseous. And panicky. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and he couldn’t breathe. He was staring at his hands, his eyes focused on his right index finger, the knuckle. He could feel Chainsaw’s talons on his shoulder, through his t-shirt. He tried to stay grounded. He heard the sheets shift, and he vaguely registered Ronan’s knee coming into view, and his hands touching Adam’s.
“Adam,” he said, his voice a low rumble, like an oncoming storm, “I’m not mad. It’s okay.”
Adam couldn’t find his voice.
“I, um.” Ronan moved a little bit closer. Adam could hear him swallow. “I actually, uh. I’m…I’m really…” he turned Adam’s hands so his palms were facing up. He began to trace nonsensical shapes into his palm. “…Happy. I’m happy I found you here.” Chainsaw hopped from Adam’s shoulder back to Ronan’s. “I…think about you…in my bed…probably way more than a normal person should.”
Adam took in a deep breath from his mouth, and exhaled through his nose.
“What else…do you think about?” he asked, his voice tiny and raspy. He dared to look into Ronan’s eyes, which met his, but then darted back down to the space in between them, where he was holding Adam’s hands like they were fragile.
“Your hands,” Ronan murmured, bringing them up to his mouth, pressing the tips of his fingers against his mouth.
“Oh.” Adam breathed, his eyes wide. Chainsaw huffed, giving Ronan’s ear a nip of approval before flying back towards her cage. Adam would have watched her turn away from them, giving them some privacy, but his eyes were fixed on his fingers pressing imploringly along the seam of Ronan’s lips.
Ronan watched his face as he pursed his lips, kissing the tips of his fingers before kissing the knuckles on both hands; his right, then his left. He kissed the backs of them before turning them over and kissing his palms. When Ronan looked back up at Adam, his lips were parted and his pupils were blown wide.
“Ronan,” Adam said at the same time that Ronan moved closer, practically sitting in Adam’s lap, his hands taking Adam’s face and pulling him in, halting before their lips met. Their breaths mingled together, and Ronan licked his lips. His thumbs brushed against Adam’s thin cheekbones, making the other boy’s breathing stutter. Ronan bit back a smirk.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked, and Adam shivered, his hands coming to cautiously rest on Ronan’s hips.
“Please,” he hissed, and the two of them collided, their lips pressing together in what was probably one of the worst kisses Adam had ever received, but he shuddered anyway as a jolt of electricity shot down his spine.
Ronan pulled back before moving back in, gentler this time, their lips wetly popping against each other’s in small, repetitive pecks. They moved and adjusted, unwilling to let their lips part, but somehow they managed to find their way to laying on their sides, Adam’s hands clutching Ronan’s shirt, while one of Ronan’s hands rested on his cheek and the other fiddled with his hair. Adam lost track of time, slowly being unable to keep up with Ronan’s lazy kissing, his eyelashes fluttering against Ronan’s cheeks.
“Tired?” Ronan asked, swiping his thumb against Adam’s kiss-swollen lips. Adam hummed, moving in closer, inhaling Ronan’s scent, a dopey smile stretching across his face when Ronan’s arms wrapped around him, hugging him securely.
“Didn’t take you for the cuddling type,” he mumbled, snickering when Ronan pinched his hip.
“Shut up and go the fuck to sleep, Parrish.” he threatened, pressing another kiss to his jaw before bringing the blankets up and around them. Adam murmured an agreement before drifting off.
Maybe he would get to kiss Ronan more in his dreams.