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Chapter Text

FRIDAY 25TH JULY: 9:00PM

Under a clear night sky, a crowd gathers around a small platform, whooping and cheering. Screens positioned around the stage display a fast paced opening sequence, flicking between shots of stage lights and rows of red seats, and occasional glimpses of the housemates about to come onstage - a brown eye winking at the camera; the silhouette of a tall, hunched woman; red lips, smiling subtly.

The crowd gets louder as a bald man in a visor and white coat makes his way into the centre of the platform.

"How's it going, everybody?" he yells into the swarm of people, smiling confidently. "Are we ready for the return of the one and only Big Brother?"

The crowd goes wild. The man turns to the camera and cheers with them.

"That's right, everybody! It's me, André Beetroot-"

The man's voice is drowned out by the enthusiastic hoard beneath him. A faint scream of, "You're my hero, André Beetroot!" is heard.

"-And tonight," André continues, "we'll be welcoming sixteen new housemates into the Big Brother House, for the first time in almost twenty years! Everyone at home, just trust me when I say, it's gonna the best thing you've ever seen. For the next ten weeks, we will be watching our sixteen housemates interact, all of them competing for the grand prize of £100,000! Who wins? You decide!"

Once again, the people around him show no reluctance in demonstrating their excitement and admiration. André soaks it in for a few seconds, before holding out a hand for silence.

"Alright, everybody!" He shouts. "Are we ready to meet our first housemate?"

The assembly hollers in a way that could only be interpreted to mean yes. The surrounding screens reveal a blonde woman eying the camera with a stern expression, quickly changing to slight amusement. A few more shots of the woman are shown, before she is finally shown sitting in what appears to be an empty greenroom.

"Hi, my name's Jemima, I'm thirty-nine and I'm a data entry clerk from Leeds," she says, in a fairly standard northern accent, over a clip of her silently laughing. "Being on Big Brother, I feel like I'm the sort of person who takes a lot of risks, even when I should really know better. I think I might get a bit competitive, sometimes, too, but there's no harm in wanting to win, eh? Someone's going to end up winning, and it might as well be me. I certainly plan to make some friends, but I'm not afraid to make enemies, either!"

As the video ends, music plays and a car pulls up to the side of the tiny arena and Jemima steps gracefully out of the back. André meets her up on the platform.

"Welcome, Jemima!" He shakes her hand eagerly. "How are you feeling?"

"A little nervous, but definitely very excited, too."

"Who wouldn't be nervous?" André says. "Are you ready to begin your stay in the Big Brother House?"

"I am indeed!" Jemima replies, grinning.

"Anyone in the audience watching tonight?"

Jemima shakes her head. "No, but my partner, David, is watching from home."

"Alright, cool!" André says. "Now, you said in your video that you can see yourself getting quite competitive. Do you think you'll clash with other housemates over this?"

"Oh, absolutely," Jemima chuckles.

"Well, Jemima, it's been lovely talking to you, but I believe it's time for you to enter the Big Brother House."

"Lovely to meet you, André." Music starts up again as Jemima, walks down the platform towards a doorway at the end. Waving at the cheering audience, she steps inside and the doors close as the lift takes her downwards. The music fades away.

"That's our first housemate, ladies and gentlemen," André announces, as the screens flicker on. "Let's see what she gets up to."

***

"Is this the right way?" Jemima walks through a narrow, winding corridor. "This doesn't look like where I'm meant- ah, okay."

She arrives in a small, rectangular room with a red curtain in front of her. Slipping past the curtain, she regards the room before her from a raised wooden platform. A large, rectangular table, with sixteen chairs surrounding it, sits before her, with an array of food and drink on it. To her right, a pair of curved sofas face each other, in front of a large screen. Jemima stands quietly on the platform for a few moments before she notices what's missing.

"Am I the first one?" Jemima steps off the platform and into the room. "Hello?"

Silence.

"Heck yeah."

Jemima makes her way to the table and pours herself a drink.

"So, when does everyone else get here?" Jemima asks, looking around the room. "Can't imagine this is great TV."

No response.

"Is that how you're gonna-"

"Hello, Jemima," an ominous male voice says.

"Hello, Big Brother," Jemima replies cautiously.

"How are you enjoying Big Brother's Launch Party?"

"It's alright, I suppose," Jemima says. "Could do with a few more guests, though. Bit lonely in here."

"Jemima, do you know who a party needs, besides the guests?"

"An entertainer? A cook? Me? Depends on the type of party, really."

"A host."

"Oh, right," Jemima sighs. "But that's you, isn't it?"

"The perfect host needs to be someone who can communicate with guests face-to-face and help solve their problems."

"And you can't do that, can you?" Jemima says.

"Correct. Jemima, I need you to be the host of Big Brother's launch party. Can I trust you with this responsibility?"

"I thought you might," Jemima mutters. "Yeah, sure, why not."

***

"Woah! Wasn't that exciting?" André Beetroot says, as the cameras refocus on him. "Let's add another housemate to spice things up!"

The next housemate is a very young, nervous looking blonde woman, sitting with a nervous expression in a different greenroom to the one prior. She smiles timidly at the camera as she begins talking.

"Hi, my name's Sally, I'm eighteen and I'm from London. I've always been a huge Big Brother fan, even if this is the first time it's aired in my lifetime. It's a shame those time-travellers ruined the previous series. I know I seem anxious and all - you might think I'd be quite a boring addition to the house, but the women in my family have always had a gift in times of despair..."

The crowd goes wild as Sally makes her way onstage, smiling and waving awkwardly. André shakes her hand vigorously.

"How's it going, Sally?"

"Pretty good! For now."

"Now, Sally, you're the youngest housemate in this series," André begins. "How do you feel about that?"

"I'm not too sure!" Sally laughs. "I think it'll be good to bring a different point of view in. And I'll see all their different points of view, too!"

"Ahah, cool!" André strikes a pose. "Now, what did you mean by the women in your family having a gift?"

"Well, you'll just have to wait and see!"

"Wow, awesome. Thank you so much Sally, have a great time in the Big Brother House!"

"Thank you, André!" Sally calls as she walks away.

"Amazing!" André says, as Sally disappears. "I wonder how she'll get on...?"

***

Expressing similar confusion to Jemima, Sally makes her way down the same, winding corridor, before appearing from behind the curtain, looking slightly overwhelmed.

"You alright there, pet?" A woman asks, as Sally flinches. "Name's Jemima. Welcome to the party!"

"Is it just us right now?" Sally steps off the platform towards the table where Jemima stands.

"Yep. Fancy a drink?"

"Oh, um, yes please."

After a few moments, Jemima speaks up. "So, what made you want to be here? You look very young, pet."

"Youngest on the show, apparently!" Sally laughs nervously. "I just thought it would be fun. Watched some of the past series and really enjoyed it. And my family is a lot, sometimes, so I thought it would be good to get away for a little while. Get some life experience."

"Wouldn't exactly call this your average life experience!"

***

The cameras cut back to André. "Wow, looks like they're getting on well! How will they manage with a third housemate?"

The audience 'ooh's as the screens introduce them to the third housemate, a woman with long red hair and a cunning look in her eye.

"Bonjouno. My name is Juliet, I am twenty-four and I am a singer from Newcastle. As I am sure you can tell, though, I was born and raised in Verona, the most beautiful city in this world. I say now, I am on this show to win and I will do whatever it takes."

The video ends abruptly and a slightly confused audience cheers Juliet on stage. She carries herself with confidence and grace, which some members of the audience seem to love, whilst others seem suspicious.

"Hey, Juliet!" Juliet seems to be much more in control of André's handshake than the two before her.

"Good evening, André."

"Wow! That was a crazy video. How truthful do you think you were being?"

"Oh, very truthful, André." Juliet smiles calmly. "You have my word."

André nods slowly. "Okay...! Thanks Juliet!"

Juliet strides away.

***

Silently, Juliet makes her way down the corridor and through the curtain. She sees Jemima and Sally before they see her.

"Bonjourno, ladies."

The two women turn around to face the third housemate making her way towards them.

"Welcome to the party, love. I'm Jemima, and this is Sally-"

"Hi!"

"I can see that from your name badges." Juliet says slowly. "Juliet."

She extends a hand to Jemima, who shakes it, and then to Sally. She follows suit, albeit a bit more nervously.

"Can I get you a drink?" Jemima asks.

"Thank you."

"Wonder if there's some twist about them sending all the women in first," Jemima says, handing a glass to Juliet.

An odd sensation of joy bubbles up inside of Sally as she attempts to hide her smile. The others don't seem to notice. "I doubt they would do that."

Juliet leans in to the group, smirking. "Either way, they have clearly sent the best of the best in first."

***

"Best of the best, eh?" André is back. "Let's see if that remains true for the next housemate!"

"Mm. Pleasure to make your acquaintance..." The next housemate is tall, with round glasses, somewhat reminiscent of goggles. He looks older than the previous housemates, but it is impossible to tell by how much. "I am Lots. Lots O'Hands! I am a salesman at the Caravan Hutch, with my brother, Fullset O'Hands... Yes. I have always wanted to be captured - ever since I got this face - and now is my chance! I will miss my brother, but I will make him proud... he always said I had such a beautiful face..."

The crowd doesn't seem entirely sure whether they want to cheer Lots as he plods through the crowd, dressed in a bizarre assortment of garments worn in all kinds of settings.

"Lots, everybody!"

Lots grabs André's hand and pulls it towards him slowly, using his other hand to caress it gently. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance."

André gradually retrieves his hand, glancing apprehensively around at the production crew. Seeing them continue as normal, André recomposes himself as quickly as he can. The quicker this guy went in, the less of him he'd have to deal with.

"Woah! Welcome in, Lots! Is your brother in the crowd tonight?"

"Unfortunately not. He is probably driving. Very good at driving, he is."

"Alright!" André pauses awkwardly. "Okay. I think it's time for you to go, now. Good luck!"

***

Jemima is talking casually to the group, midway through a story, "...had to make him play Playstation-"

"Caravan! Hutch!" The curtain is thrown aside with a flourish as Lots, interrupting Jemima's anecdote, scuttles down the platform and pours a variety of drinks into the same glass and gulps about half of it down at once. Seeing her jump at the sight of the man, Jemima puts a hand on Sally's shoulder, glancing at Juliet.

"Welcome to Big Brother's launch party," Jemima says calmly. "I see you've already found the drinks-"

"Yes... Excellent selection of drinks." Lots extends a hand to the group of women, grinning wildly. "Lots O'Hands. Pleasure."

Cautiously, Juliet reciprocates the handshake. As Lots begins pull her arm in, she twists her wrist to bring the blade of her hand over Lots' wrist and pushes down, freeing her arm instantly. "I am Juliet."

Lots shakes his hand out in pain. "Lovely to meet you, Juliet."

"I'm Jemima, and this is Sally," Jemima adds, before Lots can offer anyone else a handshake. "Anyway, as I was saying..."

***

"Well, seems pretty crazy!" André doesn't elaborate on what exactly he finds crazy, wasting no time in introducing the next contestant, a man whose face is mostly concealed by a blue and white batman mask.

"Alright, I'm Scottish Batman," he says in a thick Glaswegian accent. "I'm thirty-four an' I'm a vigilante from Gotham-Glasgow. Now, I take great pride in my work as a vigilante, an' some people don't like it. But what yer need to ken about me is: I'M FOCKEN' BATMAN!"

Scottish Batman leaps swiftly onstage, yelling, "I'M FOCKEN' BATMAN!"

Remaining completely unfazed, André shakes Scottish Batman's hand. "Woah! Hey, Scottish B'tman! How are you feeling about entering the house?"

"Feelin' great. I'm ready to bring glory to my hometown an' prove that Scottish Robin an' I are just as legit as those other heroes."

"Wow, cool! As a vigilante and hero, you think you'll be solving problems in the house?"

"Not really, no. I tend to use violence an' that's not really allowed here."

"Well, we'll see about that!" André laughs, earning a concerned glance from Scottish Batman. "But for now, good luck in there and see you on the other side!"

***

Scottish Batman peers around the curtain, gauging the situation.

"...Mmm… I am certain my brother is the greatest, most glorious man alive. Now, the thing about my brother, is he's very good at driving - Fullset O'Hands, you see - but what he is also very good at, with his full set of hands, is-"

While he isn't entirely sure where this is going, Scottish Batman is pretty sure that he doesn't want to hear the rest of this.

"Scottish Batman is uncomfortable." His first words in the Big Brother house, he thinks, as he steps out from behind the curtain.

"I was only going to say he is very good at cleaning the caravans..." Lots says dejectedly.

The other three look somewhat relieved at the arrival of a new person, though Scottish Batman does hear the red-head, Juliet, mutter something about his choice of attire.

"Welcome! Come join us." Jemima moves forward to greet him as she gestures to herself, then around the room. "Jemima, Sally, Juliet, Lots. And you are... Scottish Batman, you said?"

"The one an' only."

"Lovely." Jemima smiles politely.

***

The next contestant is a hunched, elderly woman with a slightly deranged smile on her face.

"I'm Ethel, I'm eighty-six and I'm from Bristol. A lot of people probably think I'm too old for this show, but I'm still young at heart. Probably. I have quite a reputation as a party animal! Maybe I'll be too crazy for some people to handle, but that's their fault for being boring. I can do public speaking, so I can avoid trouble if I need to. Cult leader thing. Metaphorically."

The old woman hobbles on stage, taking no notice of the crowd whatsoever. She starts to adjust the fastenings of her skirt and-

After a few moments, André is standing beside a very proud looking Ethel, skirt now firmly around her waist.

"I guess you really are a party animal." André mutters. "Well, Ethel, how do you feel about being the oldest contestant in the house this year?"

"I feel great."

"Okay, cool!” André wanted this woman as far away from him as possible. “Have a great time in the house!"

Watching the pensioner walk away, André couldn't help but wonder why some of these contestants scared him a little.

***

Sally is the first to notice Ethel, hobbling silently past the curtain and onto the platform. She had been hearing about some of Scottish Batman's arch-nemesi for the past few minutes, but she hadn't really been listening.

"Hey, uh, welcome to the party!" Sally exclaims, jumping up onto the platform to greet the elderly woman, reading the name 'Ethel' on her badge. "How are you?"

The woman stares at her momentarily. "I feel excellent."

Sally watches as she leaps down from the platform and promptly collapses on the floor in front of her, causing the other housemates to rush over to check on her.

"No, no. I feel excellent." Ethel clambers to her feet with surprising agility for someone of her age and makes towards the table at speed.

"Have you tried the O'Hands cocktail?" Ethel is stopped in her tracks by Lots, who is pouring all of the available drinks into a singular overflowing glass. He passes the glass to Ethel, grinning.

Ethel returns the creepy grin and sips the drink. Gagging a bit, she nods her head. "Good stuff, that."

"Mm, yes," Lots mutters, not breaking eye contact with Ethel as he takes a gulp of his own drink. "My brother says it is because we add the full set of available drinks to ensure lots of flavour."

Jemima feels a hand on her shoulder: Juliet. Looking around, she sees Sally trapped in another conversation with Scottish Batman, while Lots and Ethel are bonding over an awful cocktail.

"Everyone in this house is so fucking weird," Juliet whispers, guiding Jemima away and out of earshot.

Jemima nods. "Sally seems sweet, though."

"Too sweet. Either she is too innocent to play this game or she is hiding something."

Jemima regards Juliet carefully. Juliet is clearly plotting something, but isn't everyone?

"Maybe."

"But..." Juliet leans in closer, but not uncomfortably close. "I like you. A lot. Let's stick together."

Juliet's eyes hold a strange bloodthirsty look. Something tells Jemima that this woman is not to be crossed. But, at the same time, she likes Juliet. They have a lot in common. She has no reason to cross her, anyway. For now.

"Sure."

***

"Woah!" André exclaims. "Pretty crazy - seems like everybody's already making allies! Let's see where this next housemate fits in with things!"

"Hi, I'm Tina, I'm thirty-six and I'm a tattoo artist from Arkansas," a woman says in a high-pitched, southern American accent. "I don't live in the UK, but I thought it might be fun to do some reality TV. I don't really want to win, I just want to have some fun. That's my general goal in life, really."

The crowd seems to appreciate Tina more than the last few contestants, as she strolls on stage and is subject to André's overly enthusiastic handshake.

"Hello, Tina! Welcome to the show! How do you feel?"

"A little tired, really."

"Woah! How are you gonna have fun when you're tired, I wonder?"

"I'll find a way." Tina laughed hoarsely.

"Awesome! Have a great time in the house, Tina!"

***

"Wilhelm is an idiot, anyway." Ethel takes another sip of her drink, gesturing wildly with her other hand. Scottish Batman approaches with caution, leaving Sally to talk to Jemima and Juliet.

"Who's Wilhelm?" He asks.

"I know a Wilhelm." A seventh housemate emerges from behind a curtain. "Hate that guy."

Jemima leaps into action. "Hello, welcome to the launch party. Can I get you anything?"

"How about an O'Hands specialty cocktail?" Lots interjects. Jemima looks at him frustratedly.

"Sounds great. The name's Tina, by the way."

"Lots." Lots passes Tina an overflowing, abominable drink and she joins him, Ethel and Scottish Batman.

"Look at them," Juliet whispers. "Forming a little group already."

Sally isn't sure of what to say. Something about Juliet puts her on edge. "I might go and join them."

"So soon after escaping?" Juliet hisses.

Sally nods and disappears.

"Let's all go," Jemima says. "No need to make enemies so soon."

Juliet huffs and follows Jemima towards the congregation.

"...saw him while I was high off my ass - am I allowed to say that? Absolute weirdo, tried to get me to fight him, I think," Tina says, before gulping down more of her O'Hands cocktail.

Ethel nods slowly. "I think we might just know the same guy! I fixed the security in my self-discovery party maze, so he shouldn't be able to escape anymore."

"Your what?" Jemima asks.

"My self-discovery party maze. For stag and hen dos! Stag, stag, stag… Ahem. Send the bride or groom and their best pal straight through. Right laugh."

Jemima nods solemnly.

"Perhaps I should have had that with my ex-hosband," Juliet ponders aloud. "He and his best friend needed to work on some things. But then again, if my marriage never failed, I would not have moved to Newcastle and applied for this show. And this show is very important to me."

"You're very young to have been divorced," Ethel muses. "What can I say? I've had seven."

***

"Woah! Some crazy lore, right there!"

The cameras turn to the next housemate video before André can say any more. A bald, middle-aged man incorrectly signs the cross, smiling calmly.

"Hello. My name is Father Andrews," he says slowly, "I'm fifty-three and I'm a reverend from Hornchurch. You might think I'm here to preach the Hornchurch gospel - it's the earliest kind of Christianity, you know - but after everything that happened to me, I needed a bit of a break. Didn't cost me anything to be here, so I thought it could be a bit of a holiday?"

"Give it up for Father Andrews, everybody!"

Father Andrews is given a warm welcome as he makes his way onstage, dressed casually in a Hawaiian shirt. "Thank you, everyone."

"Looks like you really meant it when you said it was a holiday!"

"Yes. I'm just here to party. In a way the Lord allows, of course."

"Of course, of course! Have a great holiday in the Big Brother House, Father Andrews!"

***

"Heavenly father, please show me the way." Father Andrews makes yet another U-turn and wanders back the way he came. He must have been here for at least a few minutes. Did he go through the right door? He makes his way back to the room with the curtain. That can't be right. He turns around again and is about to leave when-

"Father Andrews."

"God?" Father Andrews looks about frantically. "Is that you?"

"This is Big Brother. You are in the right place. Continue onward."

Father Andrews glances at the curtain, then to his right. There's a faint outline of a doorway. "Oh, I see."

He feels around the doorway and encounters a small groove and pulls the door open, revealing a brightly lit room containing a variety of fitness equipment.

"Fitness theme? Am I the first one?"

"Go through the curtain, Father Andrews."

"Sorry."

Pulling the door shut behind him, Father Andrews sidles past the curtain into a room where seven other people are gathered.

"You get a bit lost there?" One of them says. Father Andrews notices that they're all smiling, some laughing.

"Fancy an O'Hands cocktail?" Another one says.

Father Andrews shakes his head. "Not much of a drinker, sorry."

"Afraid this is the only non-alcoholic option," A woman says, passing him a glass of orange juice. "I think they want to get us drunk, get us to say more interesting shit. I'm Jemima, welcome."

The housemates introduce themselves briefly before continuing their prior conversation.

"...The Host is kind of a twat, too," Ethel mutters. "But at least he's vaguely entertaining, sometimes."

"Who's the Host?" Father Andrews asks.

"You don't want to know," Sally mumbles.

"She got a self-discovery party maze," Tina says, nodding to Ethel. "She was just tellin' us about the staff."

Despite not understanding anything about what he was just told, Father Andrews nods slowly. Jemima nudges him. "I don't know what any of it means either."

***

"Hi, my name is Michael, I'm twenty-three and I'm a delivery driver from Ipswich." André had wasted no time in introducing the next contestant - a tough-looking young man. "For me, it's just about figuring out where I'm going next in life. There's more than delivering fast food orders to people, that I'm sure. I've been told I need to make more connections, so that's a start. A lot of people tend to underestimate me, but they'll see soon enough."

Charmed by his tough appearance, combined with his intelligent personality, the audience warmly welcomes Michael onstage.

"Look at you, cool guy!" André gives Michael finger guns. "Ready to get in there and make connections?"

"Let's do this."

"Awesome! Good luck to you, Michael!"

***

"Hey." Juliet is the first to notice the newcomer, strolling down from the platform. "Welcome to the launch party."

"Hey."

She offers him a glass of something and runs through everyone's names, before asking his own.

"Michael."

"And wha-"

"I GET MY MOTHERFUCKING BABY BACK, BABY BACK~"

Juliet is interrupted by loud music blasting through the speakers as Ethel hobbles over from the far corner of the room and stands on the wooden platform, doing something similar to dancing.

"I love this song," Scottish Batman says, nodding along.

"The melody is bland and repetitive," Juliet argues, frustrated my the interruption. “I can name hundreds of better song choices.”

Jemima glares around the room. "Was this your doing, Ethel?"

"Maybe."

Michael follows Jemima and Juliet to the corner of the room, where a very small screen and set of tiny buttons is built into the wall, behind an opened hatch. Lowering the volume, Jemima casts her eyes over the room.

"Who here has any objection to this music?"

Juliet and Father Andrews raise their hands.

"And who is enjoying this music?"

Ethel, Lots, Scottish Batman and Tina raise their hands.

"Sally? Michael?"

Both mumble something about not caring either way.

"The song can stay. If anyone wants to add a song to the queue they are welcome to."

Ethel and Lots cheer and Lots and Scottish Batman join Ethel onstage to dance. After a few moments, Sally moves to stand beside Michael.

"Looks like fun, honestly," she says, looking at the dancers. "What do you think?"

Michael looks reluctantly at the congregation: an elderly woman, a creature-like man and someone convinced he's Batman. They weren't wrong when they said you'd meet all kinds of people here. "I guess.”

“Want to join them?"

“Let’s go.”

Jemima sits beside Tina. "What do you think?"

"Of what?" Tina asks. "I guess I'm havin' a good time. Gettin’ some nice vibes. Not really in a dancin' mood, though. Some other time. You?"

"I…” Jemima begins conflictedly. “I’m just intrigued to see how it all plays out."

***

"Aren't we all, Jemima. Aren't you guys?" The crowd hollers in response to André. "We're over halfway! Ready to meet housemate number ten?"

"Hi, my name's Amanda, I'm twenty-eight and I'm a seamstress from London. I think what you need to know is I'm very determined - maybe stubborn? I do what it takes when it comes to the people I care about, or my husband, at least. I don't really care about that many other people... they're all kind of pricks."

"Give a warm welcome to the wonderful Amanda!" André shouts, as Amanda joins him onstage. "How's it going? Now, you mentioned being stubborn, do you think you'll have any conflict in the house because of this?"

"I feel very good, thank you. And yes, I think so, even if it's only a little. But we'll see!"

"Interesting... now, is your husband here in the crowd tonight?"

"He should be... he's quite easy to spot." Amanda gazes over the crowd. "Tarquin!"

"Woah! There he is! Freakishly tall, jeez…” The tall man waves and André turns back to the newest housemate. “Good luck in there, Amanda!"

***

"ACCORDING TO ALL SOURCES..."

The house speaker system is playing an unusual cover of 'It's Raining Men' as Amanda walks out from behind the curtain onto the platform, where she is almost knocked over by a headbanging old woman.

"Alright?" A man dressed in a Scottish Batman costume ceases his dancing to address her. "Welcome in. It's a bit hectic in here, I gotta say. Scottish Batman."

Amanda nods and shakes the man's hand. "Amanda."

Smiling, a blonde woman guides her off the platform and down to a drinks table. "Hi, I'm Jemima. Anything to drink?"

"Oh, no thank you."

"Suit yourself," Jemima says, joining another woman across the room. A slightly taller, younger woman takes her place beside Amanda.

"Hello. I'm Sally. Nice to meet you."

"Amanda."

Sally smiles warmly. "Where are you from?"

"London. And you?"

"Oh, I'm the same!" Sally exclaims. "I did think we sounded similar - maybe the same area? You sound a lot like my sister, actually."

"What's your sister like?" Amanda asks.

"She's a bit rude sometimes - not saying you are - but also very loyal. Oh, and also-" Sally leans in closer, her voice a whisper. "-she can project her consciousness wherever she wants."

Amanda laughs, unsure of what Sally means. Sally looks about nervously before joining Amanda in the laughter.

"She sounds interesting."

***

As the next housemate appears on the screens of the stadium, some members of the crowd begins to whoop and even whistle in admiration of the tall, handsome frenchman about to appear onstage.

"Bonjour," he says, gazing into the camera, along with what feels like the viewer's soul. "I am Xavier. I am thirty years old and I am an improvised comedian from the town of Von Ponte, though I am now based in London. A lover of men, women and all things in between- but this isn't Love Island, non? Let's leave, that there, for now. On Big Brother, I am a fun-loving man; maybe sometime I stir the shit a little too much, but we all have fun in the end. I know my way around people, that's all there is to it."

Xavier's entrance is orchestrated by wolf-whistles and excited screams, as he strides among the crowd with unusual confidence, waving and blowing kisses to audience members. "Oh, putain, c'est Xavier-" A woman sighs, before fainting somewhere in the mass of people fighting for the man's attention.

"Woah, you're pretty hot," André mutters, looking Xavier up and down. "Do I know you? I could've sworn we’ve done things before."

"I know many people," Xavier whispers. "I have done many people. I could not tell you if you are one of them, but if you would like to be..."

Xavier places a hand on André's face, who hisses back, "Maybe once you get outta there, eh?"

Xavier nods, smirking a little.

"Xavier, everybody!" André returns to presenter mode in an instant. "So, Xavier, you seem pretty confident about going in. What's going on under the surface?"

"Well," Xavier begins, considering the best response. "I can't say I'm not a little nervous, can I? But, you know, I'm not an outwardly anxious person, see? So I’ll just see where we go."

The audience like this response. André nods.

"Well, as much as we'd all love for you to stay here with us, you need to get in that house. I'm sure you'll end up charming everyone in there."

Xavier winks and turns around with a flourish. André's eyes follow him for a little too long.

***

Attention followed Xavier wherever he went; entering the house was no different. He steps past the curtain with the same confidence he always has and stands there, looking around the room. Gradually, housemates start to focus on him. This house was starting to feel like home, now.

An elderly woman grabs his face from nowhere. "Ooh, look at you! My my, you clearly belong in my self-discovery party maze."

"I shall take that as a compliment." Xavier says, shaking the woman off. "My name is Xavier. Pleasure to meet all of you."

He scans the room, reading name badges - he has to make sure he remembers all of them, even if he doesn't particularly care for everyone.

"O'Hands cocktail?" 'Lots' asks suddenly, passing him the beverage before he has time to respond. Xavier sips it and has to restrain himself from gagging. It tastes like shit.

"Beautiful. Thank you." No need to cause offense so early on in the show.

'Jemima' emerges from the corner as a new song starts to play. 'Ethel', the self-discovery party maze woman, grabs his arm and starts dancing with him. For such an old woman, she has a surprisingly strong grip.

"Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours..."

"Sorry about the song choice," Jemima announces. "The menu isn't organised whatsoever and it's a pain to navigate. I've put on what is apparently 'Big Brother's party playlist'."

"I love this song!" Lots exclaims. "Reminds me of my brother! He's a big fan. We were neighbours once."

Ignoring whatever Lots is chattering on about, Xavier joins Ethel on the platform by the curtain. 'Tina' and 'Scottish Batman' try to strike up conversation with him. They're nice - a little strange, maybe - but they'll have to do for now.

***

"Look at that man! So sexy, woah. Maybe the next one will be twice as sexy, who knows?" André keeps it brief and lets the video play.

"Hey babes, I'm Tracy, I'm thirty-four and I'm a receptionist from London. What you need to know about me is that I live for the drama. Anything crazy going on, give me the gossip, babes. You know what I mean, innit. Maybe it’ll be my drama, maybe it’ll be others’. I’m just here for a good time, really.”

“Woo, Tracy! Awesome!” Another vigorous handshake.

“You alright, babes?”

“Incredible! Welcome to the show! Now, I have to ask, based on your video, what kind of drama is your favourite?”

Tracy thinks for a moment. “Woah, good question… Do love me a bit of relationship drama, you know? Like, my marriage is a wreck, so it’s just fun to see what others are getting up to, innit.”

“Crazy! Thank you so much Tracy, have a great time in the Big Brother House!”

***

Having the first thing she see upon entering the house be an incredibly hot man had to be the best possible outcome for Tracy. The creepy old woman dragging him around, less so. Xavier catches the new housemate’s eye and senses something he hasn’t yet found in any of the other housemates. Ethel, suddenly seeing something else, lets go of Xavier’s arm and dawdles away, leaving Xavier to speak to the newcomer. As more and more people had filled the space, it was becoming less noticeable when someone new arrives - it seems like Xavier has ‘Tracy’ to himself, for now.

“Hey, babes,” Tracy says, tilting her head to view him better. “You’re not hard to look at, are you?”

“Bonjour. I am Xavier.”

“Oh, French, are you? That’s pretty hot.”

“Oui. I hear that often. You here for what I think you’re here for?”

Tracy glances about. “Big Brother, babes.”

“You want to have some fun with it, oui?”

Tracy meets his eye and something passes between them. “Fuck yeah.”

This woman wanted drama. Though she’d never said it aloud, there was a silent, mutual agreement between them about the best way to spend their stay here. Xavier hadn’t lied when he said he knew his way around people.

“I’d recommend you get something to drink before Lots gives you one of these things.” Holding up his own drink, Xavier nods over to the table.

“You not gonna get something for me?” Tracy nudges.

Xavier leans on the wall next to the curtain on the edge of the platform. “Non. This spot is too good. I’m having a great time.”

Beside the table are two women, who seem to be talking about their ex-husbands.

“...such a strange man. I’m sure my success here will piss him off, though.” One says, flicking back her red hair.

“My Derek’s a fucking weirdo, too,” Tracy says, reaching past the older of the pair, who turns to her with a scowl. “Maybe I can try some stuff with the french guy, make him jealous, you know? Tracy, by the way.”

“Juliet.” “Jemima.”

Still scowling, Jemima looks Tracy up and down. “Derek your husband?”

Tracy nods. Jemima promptly returns to her conversation, leaving Tracy uncertain of what to do next.

“What’s up with her?” She asks whoever has appeared next to her. ‘Tina’, her badge says.

“What’s wrong?”

“Blonde woman giving me a weird vibe. Like I pissed her off, or something.”

Tina shrugs. “I haven’t had much problem with her."

“Looks like I got an enemy, innit.”

***

"What's that? Tensions rising? Is this the drama Tracy is looking for? Crazy!" André declares. "Let's see what drama our next housemate can bring - just four more to go!"

"Alright." A small, blond man with a West Country accent frowns doubtfully at the camera. "I'm Titch, I'm twenty-six and I'm a farmer from Dorset. Aubergines, specifically. Not entirely sure why I'm here, to be honest, which probably isn't what you want to be hearing, but it's the truth. I'm a fairly honest person, or maybe blunt is a better word. Hopefully this show will help me find a balance between being true to myself and being not an arsehole?"

Looking somewhat bewildered, Titch proceeds through the cheering mass of people and up onto the stage.

"Welcome to the show, Titch!" André makes Titch suffer through another one of his very intense handshakes. "Purple suit! Like the aubergines!"

"Is indeed," Titch says. "Can't go on this show without representing what's most important to me. Well, second most important - sorry."

"Amazing! I wonder what the most important thing is! So tell me, since you're apparently a very honest man, how are you feeling about going in?"

"Buzzing. Mostly. Worried about my aubergines, though."

"Right. Okay. Cool." This man really likes aubergines, doesn't he? At least he seems somewhat normal. "Nice to meet you, Titch, and good luck in there!"

***

"NEAR... FAR... WHEREVER YOU ARE..."

"I hate this song," the new housemate mutters as he slips past the curtain.

Someone sidles up to him. "Same here. The name’s Michael, by the way. Welcome."

"Titch." Titch shakes Michael's hand firmly. "I didn't know we were allowed music in here."

Michael shrugs. "Ethel found a music player. Big Brother would've put a stop to it by now if we weren't allowed it."

Singing loudly, Ethel and Lots pass by, slow-dancing in a way Michael is completely unfamiliar with. Titch watches them pass.

"Interesting selection of housemates, don't you think?" He says.

"Yeah."

Sally appears beside Michael. "They're not so bad, really, I'm sure.”

“This is Sally.” Michael informs Titch.

"Titch. Nice to meet you."

Carefully, someone behind Titch places a drink in his hand. "O'Hands cocktail?"

"I wouldn't-" Sally trails off as Titch sips the drink and winces. "Yeah."

"What's in this?"

Lots reappears behind Titch, craning his neck around so that Titch can see him. "I put in the full set of drinks. Lots of flavour."

Lots vanishes. Titch looks at his drink, then up at where Lots was. "That one scares me a bit."

"Same here."

***

"It's okay, Lots, we're not scared of you." The audience seems divided as to whether André's statement is true. So does André himself. "Time for the final three housemates, ladies and gentlemen!"

"Hello, my name is Arthur, I'm eighty-three and I'm an author from... the sea? I don't remember where I'm from originally. You might know me from my books - very controversial back in the sixties. Just because I was a young man then doesn't mean I'm no stranger to controversy now. Might start some in the house. Depends if anyone's a communist."

The old man strolls up on stage fairly graciously, even with his cane, and André seems to relent a bit with his handshake this time.

"So good to have somebody so well-known on the show! What kind of controversy do you think you'll be creating?"

"Well, I'm not afraid to say what I think and question the norms, even if it seems taboo," explains Arthur. "I'm not prejudiced, except maybe against communists, sometimes. That's not what I mean. No, I'm mostly talking about sex."

"Woah! That's wild!" André exclaims. "Well, I hope there's no communists in there. Good luck!"

***

Sipping his orange juice in the corner, Father Andrews can't help but feel a bit isolated from his fellow housemates. Everyone here seems to be in their own little groups, and yet somehow completely at ease with striking up a conversation from someone outside their group at the same time. He watches the curtain flicker and an older man pokes his head around, peering past the congregation on the platform, who are dancing to a very shouty cover of APT. This was his chance!

“Hello.” Father Andrews worms his way past the people on the platform. “Welcome to the Big Brother House. My name is Father Andrews.”

The older gentleman blinks at him. “Father Andrews? Like a reverend?”

“Yes.”

“Arthur. Arthur Big Dick.”

“...Sorry?”

“Ah.” Arthur steps away, shaking his head. “I respect you, Father, but I’m not sure our beliefs are going to be entirely compatible.”

“No, no,” Father Andrews protests. “I respect all lifestyles. My branch of Christianity is quite a controversial one. I’m in no position to judge.”

“Oh, really?” Arthur questions, interest piqued. “I wrote a series of controversial books, myself, back in the sixties. Please, tell me about your branch of Christianity.”

“Did someone say Christianity?” A shrill, old voice calls out from close by. Ethel hobbles over and stands uncomfortably close between them. “My self-discovery party maze does strange things with Christianity. Makes atheists believe and believers lose faith. Funny that.”

Before Father Andrews or Arthur can respond, Ethel stumbles off the platform and starts singing along to the next track, dancing around an incredibly unnerved Sally. Truly a rendition that could rival the world’s worst bad flute covers.

“I DON’T NEED A MAN TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD~”

“She’s certainly an odd one,” Arthur comments. “But she seems fun. Anyway. Your controversial branch of Christianity?”

“Well, I preach the Hornchurch branch of Christianity. Some say that Hornchurch was where Christianity all started. Many disagree. Our beliefs are quite different to that of other branches, you see…”

***

“Looks like somebody’s getting a sermon tonight, ladies and gentlemen!” André proclaims. “Unfortunately we won’t be able to tune in to all of it, because we have to introduce our penultimate contestant!”

A small, young blond man in glasses jumps up to the camera, grinning excitedly. “Hi, my name’s Andrew, I’m nineteen and I’m a police cadet from Manchester. Best city in the world! It’s important to me to stay true to my northern roots. Yeah. Some people say I have too much energy. I say fuck you guys. I’m just doing my thing. Anyway, I’ve learned to be a bit more chill, now, after a recent incident. You might’ve seen it on the news - I’m not supposed to talk about it. Not like I remember much; I was high off my arse on cocaine- wait, am I allowed to say that? Huh? Oh, am I talking too mu-”

“Give a big hand to Andrew, ladies and gentlemen!”

Andrew bounces up on stage, easily matching André’s enthusiasm. “Hi everyone!”

“How you doing Andrew?”

“I’m great! Can’t wait to get in there and see what it’s all about!”

“Awesome! What are you looking forward to the most?” André enquires.

“Hm. Everyone says the people, don’t they? Or maybe the money? Nah. I think the tasks look more fun, though. Getting covered in goo or being made to dance at 2am or something. Most people hate ‘em, I think.”

“Woah, interesting! Best of luck with all your future tasks!”

***

“Big! Brother! House!” Andrew yells as he launches himself past the curtain. The congregation dancing on the platform disperses around him. “Hi guys. I’m Andrew.”

After a beat of silence, barring Frank Sinatra’s hit song, ‘Cube’, playing in the background, Jemima speaks up. “Christ, there are quite a few of you, aren’t there? I’m sorry, I didn’t notice. Maybe we should form a bigger group and get to know each other. I’m not sure how many are left to join us, but it can’t be many more.”

The assembly murmurs in agreement. Jemima gathers the group to the sofas, standing in the middle, people packing close together to try to fit everyone on.

“Twelve… Thirteen… Fourteen… Fifteen,” Jemima counts. “Shit. We’re waiting on one more person. There’s probably no point saying anything until they get here.”

“Are you like, the spokesperson, or something?” Andrew pipes up.

Still hanging on to Jemima’s unexpected prior behaviour, Tracy takes this as an invitation to question her authority. “Yeah. Who put you in charge?”

“I didn’t mean it like-” Andrew begins.

“She was the first one here.” Juliet stares daggers across at Tracy, who simply scoffs and adjusts her position against Xavier. “So chances are Big Brother has told her some important shit.”

“I can confirm!” Sally adds, from between Michael and Amanda. “I was second.”

The triplet melodies of ‘Cube’ drift around the room, filling the awkward hush that had descended.

“So are we just gonna sit in silence until the last person gets here?” Scottish Batman asks.

Jemima shrugs. “Do what you want, for the time being.”

***

“Well, ladies and gentlemen,” André begins. “We only have one housemate left to enter the house!”

A mixture of joy, fascination and disappointment emanates from the crowd.

“Are we ready to meet the final contestant for this series?”

“Hello, my name is Julep. I’m forty-one and I’m a security coordinator from the Isle of Wight. And for the Isle of Wight. What can I say about myself? I’m fairly daring, pretty loyal, I sometimes go against the norms in unexpected ways, but I get stuff done. If you’re looking for someone to start drama, that probably won’t be me, but trust me to get caught up in it anyway!”

“Let’s give a warm welcome to Julep!” André bellows. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good!” Julep grins, taking in her surroundings. “Never done anything like this before!”

“Few have, Julep, few have,” André notes. “You say you go against the norms? What did you mean by that?”

After momentarily debating whether or not she should go into details of her complicated relationship with a talking polar bear and deciding against it for the time being, Julep nods and smiles. “Anyone who knows me would agree. I’ve done some odd things, for sure. Then again, I probably don’t even compare to some of the people in there!”

The shaken look in André’s eyes, reliving his brief yet memorable encounters with some past housemates, betrays the air of mystery he tries to uphold. “Who knows? You might have some crazy stories!”

“Perchance!” Julep doesn’t seem to notice.

“Good luck in there, Julep!”

***

“Now, you might’ve seen that aubergines tend to grow in places like South Africa,” Titch lectures. “So you’re prob’ly thinkin’ that you can’t grow aubergines in the UK, right? Now, you can, actually. The trick is, you have to put them in greenhouses first…”

Amanda nods politely and glances around the room. Close by, Sally and Michael seem to be doing the same, while Andrew listens intently. Opposite, Tina is leaning across from the other sofa, studying Titch keenly, but her expression seems to suggest an attempt at figuring something out about the man, rather than paying attention to what he is saying. Juliet is standing, muttering something to Jemima, who looks more bored than anything. Meanwhile, Tracy is whispering to Xavier, both smirking. Father Andrews is explaining something to Arthur, as Scottish Batman listens in nearby. Cackling, Ethel and Lots are discussing something strange, perhaps the self-discovery party maze Amanda has overheard so much about. Everyone is waiting for the final housemate to arrive. And then she does.

Amanda notices first, waving at her. One by one, everyone else in the house turns to face the woman on the platform, who regards the room with a slightly bewildered expression.

“Woah,” she exhales. “Hey, everyone. Uh, I’m Julep. Nice to meet you all.”

Jemima beckons to her, smiling. “Same to you, Julep. Welcome in, come join us. Can I get you a drink?”

Before Julep can respond, Lots jumps up and scurries over to the table.

“Lots, no-”

“Lots, yes.” Lots places his abomination in Julep’s hand and guides her off the platform and towards the sofas. “An O’Hands cocktail, just for you. Lots O’Hands, pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“They’re good cocktails, those,” Ethel says, as the rest of the housemates watch Julep awkwardly free herself from Lots’ handshake. As Julep casts her eyes over the congregation, she sees various housemates shake their heads at her. She sips the beverage and winces, and a small, serious-looking blond man sighs, as if to say ‘I told you so’. He shuffles over on the sofa and Julep takes a seat beside him.

“Name’s Titch,” he mentions quietly. “Welcome to the house.”

“And I’m Andrew!” says the man on her other side, with much more enthusiasm.

Gesturing for quiet, Jemima positions herself between the ends of the two sofas, facing the screen, which flickers on suddenly, startling her. Her fellow housemates turn to face the screen.

“It’s us!” Andrew exclaims. The screen displays a four-by-four grid, each box containing a housemate, moving around.

“I thought it was just some random people,” Sally remarks, somewhat awkwardly. Andrew seems to find it funny, though.

“Housemates,” Big Brother’s voice echoes through the room. “This is Big Brother, Welcome to the Big Brother House and, specifically, Big Brother’s Launch Party. I hope you are enjoying the refreshments. Make use of this opportunity to get to know each other - some of you will be around each other for the next ten weeks. To provide you with a method of getting to know each other, I shall now hand over to my designated host.”

“Hi,” Jemima begins with uncertainty, as housemates’ eyes focus in on her and her alone. “I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m sorry. Maybe everyone can go round in a circle and say their names? We’ve all got badges, but it might help. I’ll start - Jemima. You?”

“Andrew.” “Julep.” “Titch.” “Amanda.” “Sally. “Michael.” “Juliet.”

“Father Andrews.” “Arthur.” “Scottish Batman.” “Tracy.” “Xavier.” “Ethel.” “Lots.” “Tina.”

“Great,” Jemima sighs, wishing she didn’t have to lead this. “So… maybe two truths, one lie? We won’t get through all of us, but I haven’t got many other ideas. Anyone want to go first?”

The assembly murmurs in recognition.

“I’ll go first!” Andrew exclaims. “I’m a police cadet, I own a pair of red trousers, and, uh, I’ve been on cocaine before.”

“Are you allowed to say that?” Titch questions.

Arthur rubs his chin in thought. “That could be the lie, though.”

“How many people are actually 100% certain that they do or do not own red trousers?” Julep asks.

Andrew shrugs, grinning.

“I’m goin’ cocaine,” Tina announces. “He’s too innocent.”

“Hey!”

“I agree,” Arthur nods.

“Everyone think it’s cocaine?” Jemima asks, somewhat disappointedly.

“He might have a passionate hatred for red trousers…” Julep ponders. “I think it’s red trousers. Most people wouldn’t bring that up.”

“No one’s discussed the police cadet thing,” Father Andrews suggests. “That could be the lie.”

“I’d say it’s the most likely of the three,” Ethel mutters. “And maybe being a police cadet goes well with red trousers.”

“My brother has red trousers…”

“Focus, Lots,” Juliet snaps. “I agree with cocaine.”

Andrew cackles. It’s unclear whether it’s because of the answers themselves or just how they might sound out of context. “You guys wanna know?” The housemates nod silently. “It’s the red trousers.”

Julep celebrates quietly, seemingly the only housemate to have guessed correctly. Jemima seats herself down beside Juliet, about to say something, as Andrew continues. “Yeah. I burnt them after I got really high on cocaine, to stay true to my Northern roots.”

The other housemates process what the hell Andrew just said.

“I underestimated you, kid,” Tina says quietly.

“I’m really not sure he’s allowed to say that,” Sally echoes Titch.

Arthur shrugs. “People have said worse.”

“Anyway,” Jemima begins awkwardly. “Julep, would you like to go next?”

Pensively, Julep considers her statements, feeling fifteen pairs of eyes on her. “I’m friends with a talking polar bear, called Mr Polar Bear-”

Titch scoffs and looks at her incredulously. Julep glances back smugly.

“-I’m friends with a talking frog, called Mr Frog, and I enjoy Coca-Cola.”

“Fucking hell,” Titch sighs. “You are aware that it’s two truths and one lie and not two lies and one truth, right?”

“I am very aware.”

“Why are you so disbelieving of the strange and supernatural, boy?” Ethel enquires.

Titch shakes his head. “There’s a difference between the supernatural and bloody talking animals.”

“If one of the talking animal things is true,” Jemima says. “which I doubt either are, but we’ll play along, I’d bet both are.”

“Good point, babes” Tracy muses. “But why would you dislike Coca-Cola?”

“Because it tastes like shit,” Juliet utters.

Amanda pipes up. “I don’t think she would’ve mentioned Mr Frog if Titch hadn’t been so skeptical about Mr Polar Bear.”

“Or maybe she started with Mr Polar Bear, to prepare us for Mr Frog?” Sally ponders.

“Are we saying one’s not true, then?” Michael clarifies.

“You get a vibe from someone when they’re familiar with arcane and unusual animals. I once knew a miming Kraken… I tried to put him in my self-discovery party maze, but it didn’t work out.” Ethel gets up and starts to wander away from the group.

Jemima jumps to her feet. “Ethel, come back. Please. We’re doing a group thing, here.”

She watches as Lots also scurries up to Ethel, who ignores Jemima completely, standing on the platform waving her arms around. Juliet places a hand on Jemima’s shoulder and sits her back down.

“Ignore them. They will be gone soon enough.”

“Can we say it’s the Coca-Cola and move on?” Scottish Batman huffs. “I’ve got some great statements that don’t involve talking animals bullshit.”

“Do they involve drugs?” Sally asks.

“No– yes– maybe.”

“I think it’s Mr Frog,” Titch argues. “She looked at me with spite after she said it, like she was just doing it to show the first was true.”

“You’re right. Mr Polar Bear is real. And, also, he gives people Coca-Cola.”

Scottish Batman nods. “Next round. My turn-”

“Housemates. This is Big Brother.”

“Or not, fine.”

“Sorry for not providing good enough entertainment,” Jemima calls.

“Listen, housemates.”

The room falls silent.

“Big Brother has deemed you have had enough time to get to know each other sufficiently.”

A few housemates raise their eyebrows, scoffing silently.

“You may now enjoy this fun party lighting. This will continue for the entire night.”

Vibrant, flashing lights shine over the housemates. Ethel and Lots decide this is now the time to rejoin the group.

“I have one more thing to ask before the party ends. Jemima, you have hosted the party wonderfully.”

“Thank you?”

Tracy rolls her eyes.

“However, all parties have some less wonderful guests.” Everyone suddenly detects what is about to come. “Jemima, which three housemates have been the worst guests this evening?”

“...Pardon?”

“Which three housemates have been the worst guests this evening?”

“No, I just…” Jemima looks around the room at expectant, suddenly nervous faces. “Do I have to?”

“Yes, Jemima.”

“Alright,” Jemima begins cautiously. Her eyes land on Ethel and Lots, who both grin at her. They both seem to be almost expecting it. “Ethel, Lots, and-”

“Provide reasons, Jemima.”

“Oh. Ethel doesn’t seem to actually care very much about this whole thing - you saw her walk off just a few moments ago - and Lots seems overly obsessed with his brother and his cocktails ended up spilling and wasting a lot of drink.”

Ethel’s smile fades, replaced with an inquisitive gaze, but Lots’ grin does not change at all. Unnerved, Jemima glances away.

“I don’t really know who else, Big Brother.”

“Find someone else.”

“Well, Tracy and I haven’t particularly gelled, so I’ll go with her. Sorry.”

Avoiding Tracy’s bemused gaze, Jemima attempts to turn her attention elsewhere. The floor perhaps?

“Thank you, Jemima. Enjoy the party, everyone.”

The music doubles in volume, only to turn itself down again just as quickly.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Big Brother announces ominously. “Ethel, Lots and Tracy, since you have been chosen as Jemima’s least favourite guests, you all now have a chance to be evicted in one week’s time.”

Andrew gasps much louder than he intended and a few other housemates glance at him, before turning their attention back to Ethel, Lots and Tracy.

“I’m sorry,” Jemima says. “I didn’t know that. I promise you.”

“Could’ve guessed, though,” Tracy scowls.

“Housemates, the rest of the house is now open.”

Once again, the music increases in volume as housemates awkwardly shuffle around, talking hushedly. The cameras scan the rooms of the house, showing the housemates spreading out, before shifting out of focus.

***

“Woah, wasn’t that a crazy opening night?

The crowd goes wild as André strikes his iconic pose, shooting finger guns into the air.

“That’s all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen,” André exclaims. “Be sure to join us on Monday night for the next installment of this thrilling series. And don’t forget, following Mondays’ episodes will be our spin-off show, Big Brother’s Brotherly Chat, where I’ll be discussing the latest gossip in the house with a panel of special guests. See you there!”

Chapter Text

MONDAY 28TH JULY, 9:00PM - BIG BROTHER COMPOUND

One episode in and the crowd seems more or less the same, cheering wildly as André appears onstage, waving at people and shooting finger guns all over.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! How are we doing?”

The cheers only get louder.

“Aha, cool!” André gestures for quiet. “Well, we’ve got a crazy show for you tonight, as we see what our housemates got up to over the weekend! Will Jemima’s least favourite party guests escape eviction? What’s Ethel doing with that bird? And, most importantly, is Xavier single? Let’s find out! And just remember: who wins? You decide!”

Once more, André’s enthusiastic audience show their appreciation as the screens flicker on to show the events of the past few days.

FRIDAY 25TH JULY: 10:32PM - BEDROOM

Tina poked her head around the bedroom door to be met with more flashing party lights. At least these ones weren’t as intense as the ones in the living room. Michael waved at her from the bed closest to her, which was placed in the centre of the wall to her right.

“So then Nigel came and spoke to me in the basement,” Andrew rambled from behind Michael, lying on his back with his hands behind his head. “I think that was two weeks in?”

“How come you were in the basement?” Tina asked.

Andrew sat up and looked across at the door. “Oh, hey Tina.”

“He got kidnapped by a posh crime boss,” Michael stated.

“Shh!”

“You’re not exactly trying to keep it a secret, Andrew.”

“I know, but…” Andrew trailed off.

“Was this related to the cocaine?” Tina perched on the bed to the left of the door.

“I can’t say.”

“Uh-huh,” Tina said.

Andrew cocked his head at her. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t mean nothin’,” Tina shrugged. “Was just sayin’ uh-huh, that’s all.”

“Wish I knew the time,” Michael muttered after a beat of silence.

Tina affirmed, “Not havin’ a clock is drivin’ me crazy.”

“Not like it matters.” The three of them turned to see Arthur stroll in and seat himself on the bed opposite Tina’s. “We’re staying up all night regardless.” He gestured to the flashing lights. A shriek that was unmistakeably Ethel’s pierced the air.

“Is she okay?” Andrew asked nervously.

Sighing, Arthur nodded. “She’s fine. She keeps passing out, then Lots gives her more O’Hands cocktail and she just jumps up like nothing happened.”

“She seems fun.” Tina said.

“Maybe,” Arthur began pensively. “She seems like she’d be fun at a party, perhaps. I could see her enjoying the Sex Book. But to live with her? That’s a very different ball park.”

“The Sex Book?” Confusion was plastered across Andrew’s face. “Is that a metaphor?”

“No, no. I wrote the Sex Book. Way back in the sixties. My debut. Then I wrote the Big Dick series. Got into a lot of trouble with the communists and the fascists and had to escape to the sea.”

Andrew’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.”

“Holy shit indeed.”

“Holy what?” Father Andrews stepped past the doorframe.

“Shit.” Tina clarified.

“Oh.”

“Speaking of.” Arthur got to his feet and slowly left the room.

12:36AM - LIVING ROOM

Ethel froze as the main lights flickered off and the music cut off abruptly. Lots stumbled into her, knocking her off balance. She caught herself - barely - and stared up at the few remaining flashing lights casting an inconstant neon glow over the platform she stood on. Big Brother clearly hadn’t lied when he said those would stay on all night.

“What does this mean?” Lots asked, grabbing Ethel’s shoulders and staring at her intently.

Ethel pondered on the matter for a few moments. “I don’t know. But the good lights are still on.”

“Yes,” Lots nodded. “But the music is gone.”

“Hello.” Amanda said, appearing from the corridor between the platform and the sofas. “I’ve been sent to summon everyone to the bedroom.”

Surprisingly, Ethel and Lots complied with very little opposition and stumbled past her towards the bedroom. A masked head stuck itself around the kitchen door.

“They finished?”

“For now.”

Scottish Batman sighed with relief. “We’re good to go, now,” he called.

One by one, Julep, Titch and Jemima emerged from the kitchen.

“That’s where you’ve been? We’re gathering in the bedroom,” Amanda explained. “As you can see, all the main lights are out, so we’re assuming that’s our sign to sleep. I’m praying they” -she nodded towards the corridor through which Ethel and Lots had just left- “see it the same way.”

SATURDAY 26TH JULY 7:47AM - BEDROOM

At some point while the housemates slept, Julep assumed the neon lights must have been turned off. She blinked at the sudden, blinding white lights and sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes as she adapted to the unfamiliar environment. Michael glanced at her from across the room, Andrew having stolen both halves of their duvet and trying to pretend that he hadn’t noticed the lights turn on so that he could continue to sleep. Speaking of, though, Lots and Ethel were still soundly asleep in the bed beside hers. She felt a rustling to her left as Titch absent-mindedly got to his feet, pausing suddenly as he noticed his surroundings. Feeling twelve pairs of tired eyes on him, he sat back down awkwardly.

“Morning, everyone.” Xavier was the only one comfortable enough to break the silence, leaning back as Tracy ran her hand through his hair in a way that only made Julep wonder what on earth was going on between them. Judging by their general demeanours, she doubted it was anything serious.

“Mornin’” Titch mumbled.

Tina shuffled a bit beside Scottish Batman, who was somehow still wearing his mask. “How long we got ‘til they start playin’ an alarm to get us up?”

“Forever,” Andrew said, lying back down. “I hope.”

9:10AM - DIARY ROOM

“Hello, Ethel.”

“Hello, Big Brother.” Ethel smiled unnervingly. “What is it you’ve called me in here for?”

“Ethel, as you know, you are currently up for eviction thanks to Jemima selecting you as one of her three least favourite guests at Big Brother’s Launch Party last night.”

“Ooh, yes. I nearly forgot. Lovely to hear.”

“However, Big Brother would like to offer you a way to escape eviction this week-”

“Does it involve self-discovery party mazes?” Ethel asked enthusiastically.

“...No.” Ethel looked down, now clearly bored. “Big Brother would like you to convince Arthur, author of the Sex Book and the Big Dick series, that you too are an author of a similar series of books.”

“Hm?” Ethel glanced up from playing with her skirt. “Okay.”

“If you can do this successfully without anyone realising this is a secret task, Arthur will be put up for eviction instead of you. Do you understand?”

9:22AM - LIVING ROOM

Arthur watched from the sofa as Ethel appeared from the corridor and hobbled directly towards him.

“Oh, si?” Juliet didn’t notice, still in conversation. “I’ve been working on some original music. Perhaps I will have the chance to share with the house someday.”

Arthur nodded absent-mindedly as Ethel lowered herself down beside him.

“Hello.”

“Good morning, Ethel.”

Scowling, Juliet got up and moved across the room. Ethel leaned in uncomfortably close.

“How are you today, Arthur?”

“Very well, thank you, Ethel,” Arthur said. “How are you?”

“Well, you know how it is.” She flicked her hand dismissively, brushing against Arthur’s arm. “I’ve just been thinking about the books I wrote back in the sixties.”

“You’re an author, too?” Perhaps Arthur had misjudged this woman. “And you must have published your books at around the same time as I did.”

“Would never have guessed you wrote books.” Ethel grinned. “What were your books called?”

Arthur relished the opportunity to talk about his books to a willing audience. “I wrote the Big Dick series-”

“That’s what the government want you to think.”

“...Sorry?”

That wasn’t the response Arthur was expecting. Smiling, Ethel adjusted herself to look Arthur in the eye and placed her hands on his. “I wrote the Big Dick series, dear.”

Was she okay? Was it a good idea to put her on a reality TV show? And to keep her here? Arthur removed his hands from Ethel’s. “Ethel, I wrote the Big Dick series. It’s quite literally taken from my pen name - Arthur Big Dick.”

“Shhh.” Shaking her head, Ethel placed a finger over Arthur’s lips. “I remember it like it was yesterday. October, nineteen sixty-six. I was enjoying the success of my revolutionary Sex Book, but I knew I had to do more to truly reform the genre. The communists and the fascists were outraged by the new release, Big Dick 1. But I had more planned. Big Dick 2 came out the following April. Big Dick 3 was out the year after. After that, I knew I was running out of time before the communists and fascists found me. There was no better year for my work than nineteen sixty-nine. Two more books published within a span of six months before I had to flee to the sea for my safety.”

How did she know this? Arthur sat silently, staring into Ethel’s dark eyes in terror. Maybe she was right? Maybe she did write his books? How else would she know?

No. Ethel was strange. Magic, perhaps. Or a creep, more likely.

“Have I convinced you, Arthur?”

“No,” Arthur began. “Are you a witch, or are you just a stalker?”

Ethel laughed, an unpleasant, shrieking cackle that pierced the air. “Why make me choose?”

“You’re both?”

“I could be neither.”

“You’re not, though, are you?”

Ethel shrugged.

“My books are important to me,” Arthur said. “What would make you think I can be convinced otherwise?”

“It was worth a try.”

9:50PM - DIARY ROOM

“How are you feeling today, Tracy?”

Tracy exhaled through her teeth. “Not great, babes. Not now that I’m up for eviction.”

“How would you like a way to escape eviction?”

“I’d be up for that,” Tracy said. “Depends what it is, I guess.”

“Tracy, I’d like you to give Titch three back-handed compliments throughout the day without him realising that you are on a secret task. If you can do this, he will take your place and be up for eviction instead.”

“Ooh, alright.” That sounded fun. “Deal.”

10:12AM - KITCHEN

Tracy hadn’t expected to run into Titch in such a convenient environment so quickly, but there he was, sitting with Julep and Michael.

“Hey, babes,” Tracy greeted, opening up a cupboard and grabbing a box of muesli.

“Hey,” Michael acknowledged.

Titch took a sip of coffee and nodded. “Mornin’.”

“How are you?” Julep asked amicably.

“Not bad, thanks,” Tracy said, placing a spoon in her bowl. “You? Ooh, your hair looks great, today, by the way. You put something in it?”

Flattered, Julep ran a hand through her short dark hair. “As if. Just the same as always. Felt like it was looking greyer than usual.”

“Nah, you’re great, babes.” Enough small talk. Tracy turned to Titch, noticing the pattern on his shirt. “Love that shirt, babes.”

“Thank y-”

“Much better than yesterday, don’t you think?”

Titch blinked at Tracy in confusion as she swung out of the room. “Is she sayin’ my suit looked bad yesterday?”

“You looked fine,” Michael said. “I think.”

“Maybe she just meant it looks even better?” Julep suggested. “Like, yesterday was good but today is better?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Titch dismissed. “You were sayin’?”

11:01AM - SMOKING ROOM

“Oh, yeah,” Tina sighed, smiling to herself as she exhaled. “I needed that.”

Xavier glanced at her sideways, rolling his unlit cigarette between his fingers. “You have a problem, I fear.”

Tina laughed hoarsely. “I ain’t the only one in here, am I?”

“I never said I needed it, did I?” Xavier pointed out. “God knows what you’ve managed to put in there.”

“Shush!” Tina joked. “There’s nothin’ good in this. They wouldn’t let me. And you’re still in here, anyways, so you kinda had to have needed it.”

“I am only here for the gossip.”

“Ain’t no gossip in here, darlin’.” Tina took another drag from her cigarette. “I’d bet there’s only two, maybe three other folks who’ll ever enter this room.”

“Who do you think they are?”

“You tryna start the gossip?” Tina said. “Hm. Arthur might. Ethel, too, though she prob’ly does some harder stuff-”

Xavier chuckled. “She’s in her eighties, Tina.”

“You’ve seen her! She’s a madwoman!” Tina exclaimed. “We could hang out, someday, maybe.”

“Brave,” Xavier said. “Who are you hanging out with right now?”

Tina shrugged. “I’m a floater, for now. Too early. Lots of people are pairin’ up, though.”

Nodding, Xavier lit up and inhaled. “You spotted any winners?”

“Nah. Everyone’s either too nice or too weird. We’ll just see where it goes.”

“Anything else?”

“What are you? A cop?” Tina asked critically, before smiling and turning away. “You’re good, don’t worry. I’ve seen some things. Never sure whether some folks are gay or european, though.”

“Oh?”

“You’re one of them.”

Xavier raised his eyebrows. “Have I not introduced myself as a lover of men and women, yet?”

“Guess I know now, then.” Tina grinned. “Had a vibe around Sally and Andrew but I can’t quite figure it out yet. Titch too.”

Xavier laughed. “No straight man likes aubergines that much.”

“Exactly. Lots is definitely gay, but for his brother, so I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Yeah. What about you?”

Tina disposed of her cigarette and opened the door. “I’ll leave that to you to figure out.”

12:39AM - CORRIDOR

Once again, this whole backhanded compliment thing was proving to be much easier than expected. Titch emerged from the bathroom just as Tracy was about to head into the bedroom.

“Hey, Titch.”

“Alright,” Titch greeted. “You know, I meant to ask about earlier-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tracy said. “I meant it, babes.”

Titch squinted at her, leaving Tracy barely restraining laughter. He might not be the most reactive, but even so he was very entertaining.

“You’re always so chill,” Tracy began, causing Titch to scoff in disagreement. She continued, “I love it. Like, emotions can go fuck themselves, innit?”

She could have gotten it all over and done with now, following it up with another, but she couldn’t think of anything. Best to savour it, anyway.

Utterly confused, Titch watched her walk away. Something was definitely up.

1:56PM - DIARY ROOM

“And then I said to my brother-”

“Lots.”

Lots looked up at the camera. “Yes?”

“Do you want to accept the secret task or not?”

“Secret task?”

“Big Brother wants you to cook a meal for Scottish Batman using all the unusual ingredients I am about to list. If he eats the entire meal, he will be up for eviction instead of you. Do you accept?”

“Of course, yes! You know, my brother once tried to cook-”

3:20PM - KITCHEN

“Quiche!”

Scottish Batman looked at the dish, then back at Lots.

“Yer giving me quiche?”

“Yes!” Lots pushed the plate of quiche towards Scottish Batman. “Do you not want the quiche?”

“No, I just- why is it blue?”

“That would be the stilton.”

“Oh. Thank you.” It was not a particularly bad looking quiche, Scottish Batman thought, as he took the plate, besides the colour, which now made sense, anyway. There was a slightly weird smell, too, but again, it did contain stilton. “How did yer manage to make a quiche with what’s in the house? There’s no good fuckin’ ingredients.”

Lots shrugged. “I like making quiche.”

“Look, I appreciate it…” He felt bad about having to say it, because it seemed like a good quiche and was almost certainly the nicest thing Lots had done for him in the house. “But I kinda have a problem with quiche. Makes me feel weird. Acid reflux, or somethin’.”

“Oh.”

He’d never seen Lots look like this. He was half tempted to accept the quiche anyway, but he knew he would only regret it later.

“Yeah, sorry, mate.”

“No, no, don’t worry about it.” Lots took the quiche back and ate a forkful. “It’s not very good quiche, anyway. Too crumbly.”

Scottish Batman patted Lots on the shoulder awkwardly. “I’m sure someone in this house will appreciate your quiches more than me.”

Humming, Lots nodded. “I’ll go talk to Ethel. About quiche. Do you think she likes quiche?”

5:37PM - LIVING ROOM

Andrew turned to look at Titch as he sat down with a sigh. “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He looked up in thought, before facing Andrew. “Has Tracy said anything weird to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s just been kind of weird to me today,” Titch said. “I’m pretty sure she criticised my fashion sense and then called me unfeeling? But she didn’t say it outright.”

“This about the thing from earlier?” Michael dropped down onto the sofa opposite.

“Yeah. She did it again.”

“I haven’t had anything from her,” Andrew said.

“Who?” Jemima asked, joining the conversation.

“Tracy,” Michael stated.

“I got a weird vibe from her yesterday,” Jemima advised. “Be careful.”

Amanda appeared beside Michael. “Maybe Big Brother put her up to something?”

“Good point.” Titch glanced up at the doorway as Tracy appeared. She met his eye and smirked as she approached.

“Tracy.” He didn’t break eye-contact.

“Titch.” Tracy stopped at the gap between the two sofas. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad,” Titch replied. “Has Big Brother put you up to anything recently?”

Something flashed in Tracy’s eyes. “What do you mean, babes?”

“You’ve insulted me twice today.”

“I would never!”

“I’m familiar with the concept of a secret task.”

Tracy took a sharp breath. “You got me. You’re pretty smart for a manual labourer, babes.”

“You’re pretty good at making digs for someone who sits at a desk at all day,” Titch retorted, praying he had remembered her profession correctly from the numerous conversations on the topic he’d had previously.

“Thanks for making it so easy,” Tracy said effortlessly.

Michael raised his eyebrows. “Oof.”

Titch’s mind raced to find a comeback. “Makes sense to me that you would only do something if you found it easy.”

“Shame you clearly don’t find this easy.”

More housemates had started to gather.

“You know,” Tracy continued. “Maybe you should work on more general farming skills, instead of specialising in aubergines. You don’t seem too good at farming respect in the house. Wait, no” -she studied Titch momentarily- “respect from your family?”

Titch felt like he had been slapped in the face. He knew he shouldn’t care. He knew he should just stay calm and refuse to stoop to her level (although, in a more literal sense, he was on her level already, being the same height as her). However, something compelled him to continue.

Andrew tapped his shoulder. “Are you gonna take that?”

“Tracy!” Xavier strode over from the doorway.

Tracy spun round to face the giant. “Xav!”

“I was just looking for you. I need to talk to you.” He glanced down at Titch, who shot back a brief, grateful smile.

“What about?”

“Come with me, you will find out.” Xavier led Tracy out of the room, winking at Titch as discretely as he could.

“That was shit,” Andrew commented. “Sorry, but you need better insults.”

“Thanks, Andrew.”

6:51PM - DIARY ROOM

“Hello, Sally. How are you enjoying your time in the Big Brother House?”

Sally restrained herself from fidgeting and looked up at the camera. “It’s nice, I suppose.”

“Who are you getting along best with in the house right now?”

“I don’t know. It’s a bit early to tell, right now. Although I do quite like Amanda - she really does remind me of my sister. Maybe that’s kind of comforting. Jemima seems nice enough, I think. So does Michael. Juliet scares me a bit, though. And Ethel. And Lots. That’s probably not a good sign, is it?”

“Big Brother is always here to talk if you feel scared.”

“Thank you, Big Brother.”

8:02PM - LIVING ROOM

“Housemates. This is Big Brother. Please gather at the sofas immediately.”

Gradually, the sixteen residents of the Big Brother House filed into the room, cramming themselves on the sofas and chattering anxiously.

“As you all know, Ethel, Lots and Tracy were all put up for eviction last night by Jemima. However, because Big Brother is feeling benevolent today, he offered them each a chance to escape eviction.”

A few housemates murmured in anticipation.

“Unfortunately, all three housemates failed their tasks - Ethel failed to convince Arthur that she too was an author, perhaps because she tried to tell him she wrote his books; Titch caught on that Tracy had been giving him back-handed compliments and Lots’ quiche - made from a list of unusual ingredients, including Stilton and Tofu - was rejected by Scottish Batman, purely because he refrains from eating quiche in general. Therefore, there is no change to who is up for eviction this week.”

“Productive meeting,” Andrew remarked.

“However,” Big Brother continued. “Tuesday’s nominations will not be cancelled and you will still have an opportunity to nominate one housemate for eviction. That is all.”

“Suddenly feels a lot more real now, doesn’t it,” Jemima said.

Tracy glared at her. “Yeah, it really does, babes.”

SUNDAY 27TH JULY: 8:43AM - BEDROOM

Today was a Sunday, Father Andrews realised as he awoke that morning. He looked around tentatively; he didn’t want to be all about Hornchurch Christianity, being on holiday, after all, but today it felt important.

“Is anyone here,” he began nervously, “maybe interested in a small prayer session? It being Sunday and all.”

The tired eyes of his fellow housemates fell upon him. He anticipated a resounding no, but Michael spoke up instead.

“Sure,” he said. “If anyone else wants to.”

“I’d love that,” Sally added.

9:09AM - LIVING ROOM

Father Andrews gathered his small congregation around the sofas - he was joined by not just Michael and Sally, but also Titch and Amanda.

“Of course, I can’t exactly do an entire service, but I will say a few words. I understand we might not all follow the same branch of Christianity, but we’re all praying to God, aren’t we? Now then…

“Dear Lord, we pray to you from the Big Brother House, instead of your own, but we hope that your presence remains with us even here. We thank you for your assistance in helping us get onto this show and guiding us to these new friends we meet while on it. The community we have found here is like no other, and our souls shall remember it in every lifetime. Amen.”

“Amen,” the congregation murmured, slightly confused but appreciative of the spirit. Father Andrews smiled upon them.

“I think that’s us done, now,” he said calmly. “Perhaps we could do this again next week, if you are all willing?”

“Of course,” Sally smiled.

“Feels like a right little community,” Titch commented. “It’s wonderful.”

“Excellent! I must say, it’s so reassuring to know that the faith is still alive in the youth.”

9:46AM - KITCHEN

Amanda pulled the cereal from the cupboard and took out a bowl, humming softly to herself.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Lots loomed over her.

“Do what?”

“Eat the cereal,” Lots said. “It’s cursed.”

Amanda looked at him with a puzzled expression. “It’s cereal.”

“It’s not just any cereal,” Lots tutted, grabbing the box from her hand. “It’s an omen.”

“What?” Andrew had come in to observe the debate, positioning himself on a stool in the corner.

“I poured out a bowl the other day,” Lots began ominously. “One of the flakes was caravan shaped. My brother’s in there. Don’t hurt him.”

Head in hands, Amanda shook her head. “That’s ridiculous, Lots. Give me the cereal.”

“No.”

“Lots, your brother is not inspiriting flakes of corn,” Amanda explained desperately. “I understand you have a… special relationship, but that doesn’t mean he would enter the house via cereal.”

“You don’t know my brother.”

“Fight… fight… fight,” Andrew chanted from his corner. Amanda glared at him before continuing.

“Has he ever done that before?”

“I once thought he was inside a load of bread…”

“Was he?”

“No.”

“There, see?” Amanda reached for the cereal. “He’s probably out there, driving or something.”

“I know for certain this time.” Lots held the box above his head. “Please, let me keep the cereal. They made me wear this earring that shuts off our brain connection because we can’t have outside contact! Let me have this.”

“What?”

“I miss him,” Lots said miserably. “I miss my brother, Amanda.”

Sighing, Amanda gritted her teeth and opened the cupboard again. “Alright, I’ll have something else.”

“NO!”

Terrified, Amanda dropped the box she had picked up.

“He is within all cereal. He is one with cereal.”

“I just want to eat breakfast, Lots!”

Andrew resumed his chanting.

“Is breakfast more important than my brother? Is breakfast more important than a life?” Lots protested.

Amanda sank to the floor. Victorious, Lots began whispering to the cereal boxes.

“Go on…” Andrew hissed. “Fight him.”

“Shut up, Andrew.”

“What’s going on?” Sally asked innocently as she entered the room.

“We’re talking to my brother,” Lots grinned. “Fullset, this is Sally.”

Amanda groaned. “He’s insisting that his brother’s inside the cereal and won’t let me eat any of it.”

“Oh.” Sally looked between Lots and Amanda. “There’s toast?”

Lots reached above Amanda and grabbed as many boxes of cereal as he could. “To the storage cupboard, my brother! They won’t reach us there!”

“I’m sure this will only be for a day or two. He’ll come to his senses,” Sally said reassuringly, glancing back at the trail of malted wheat Lots had left behind.

“I hope so.”

11:32AM - GARDEN

Through the foliage lining the garden fence, Ethel could just about spot something grey rustling about in the leaves. As stealthily as she could, she hobbled over until she was leaning directly over it. The pigeon stuck its head out, only to see two gnarled hands reaching for it just inches away.

Carefully, Ethel brought the ragged grey bird up to her eye level.

“Hello there,” she cooed, walking back over to the deck. “No one in there’s being interesting today, so I thought I’d find someone else.”

The glass door slowly slid open.

“Hello, Ethel.” Ethel looked up to see Arthur gazing down at her from the doorway. “What are you doing?”

“Having some fun,” Ethel said as she began to get to her feet. “Too boring in here right now.”

Arthur’s eyes watched the still creature in her hands. “Right.”

The bird clasped in Ethel’s hands suddenly launched itself right at Arthur. Ethel simply watched as the bird scrambled past the dishevelled man and land on the table inside.

11:37AM - LIVING ROOM

Ethel followed the bird into the house, leaving Arthur behind in the garden. Hearing the commotion, Juliet jumped up from the sofas, saw the bird on the table, screamed and promptly ran off into the corridor.

“Don’t you like birds?” Ethel called after her. “I’m calling him Jim, after my grandson.”

“Who’s Jim?” Michael stuck his head out from behind the curtain. “Why’s there a bird on the table?”

“That’s Jim!” Ethel chirped proudly.

Michael emerged onto the platform and walked down the steps cautiously, eyes on the pigeon on the table. “Don’t you think Jim should be outside?”

“He’s fine!”

Wordlessly, Scottish Batman jumped out from the corridor, watching the scene.

“Fuck off, Batman!” Ethel screeched. “Don’t try to save the day! He’s perfectly content on the table!”

“Don’t tell Scottish Batman to fuck off! I am the night, I am vengeance in-”

The pigeon flew at Scottish Batman, cutting him off.

“They spread diseases, Ethel,” Arthur called as he entered the house. “Michael, get to the diary room, would you?”

Michael nodded and sprinted off past Scottish Batman, who was still grappling with the confused bird.

12:00PM - CORRIDOR

Michael slammed the button on the door as hard as he could, before realising that someone was in there. Frantically, he ran into the bedroom-

12:00PM - BEDROOM

“Does anyone know who’s in the diary room?” Michael skidded to a halt.

Muttering. A few ‘no’s. Most of the housemates were gathered here. Perhaps he could see who was missing? Andrew, Sally and Amanda were directly in front of him, sitting together on his and Andrew’s bed. To his left, Titch, Julep, Father Andrews, Jemima and Tina had gathered together in one large group. That left, besides the ones in the living room, Xavier, Juliet or Tracy. He ran back to report to Arthur.

12:00PM - DIARY ROOM

“Big Brother, you must listen to me,” Juliet pleaded. “She has brought a bird into the house. That cannot be allowed.”

“Big Brother has seen these events and has decided that it was accidental and there should be no punishment issued.”

“What happens if we get hurt? It’s a focking pigeon, Big Brother, they carry disease. I will sue you, Big Brother.”

“Please leave the diary room, Juliet. Big Brother cannot help you with this matter.”

12:03PM - STORAGE CUPBOARD

“...but I’ve said enough about me, my brother. What about you?” Lots sat on the floor of the cupboard, embracing one cereal box, whilst the others surrounded him like a fort. Tiny, quick footsteps pattered on the ground outside. He glanced up to see a tiny grey head poke around the door, pecking at the trail of cereal Lots had left behind.

“Hello,” Lots began with uncertainty. “Please don’t eat that. My brother is in there.”

The pigeon looked up at him blankly and shuffled closer.

“Unless,” he said. “You are my brother? Come to me in bird form?”

He dropped the box to the ground and spread his arms out. “Come to me, my love!”

Cooing, the pigeon approached him and nestled itself on his lap.

“Of course! The cereal was your sign to me to prepare for your arrival!” Lots ran his finger along the bird’s head, changing his mind and stopping before the neck. “Or perhaps you too are a sign? I cannot be sure anymore! I miss you, my brother. I shall treat this pigeon as a symbol of you until I can be truly sure that your mind is within it.”

The pigeon relaxed itself more as Lots continued to stroke its head.

“You’re a good bird. Too good for my brother, maybe. Tell me, how did you get in here?”

12:07PM - BEDROOM

Juliet paced back and forth before the housemates she’d gathered.

“My friends, I am afraid to announce that there is a bird in the house.”

“What?” Andrew interrupted. “Like metaphorically, or…?”

“Let me finish!” Juliet snapped. “Ethel brought a focking pigeon in. We need to gather a team to get it out before it contaminates everything.”

A blue and white figure appeared in the doorway, panting. “We’ve lost the bird.”

Michael stepped out from behind Scottish Batman. “We don’t know whether it’s still in the house.”

“Have you searched?” Juliet asked.

Scottish Batman shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Let’s do that,” Juliet said. “Split up.”

“Wait,” Titch began. “I don’t know too much about birds, but surely we’re more likely to lure it out if we keep calm?”

Juliet nodded. “Good point. Maybe we make a smaller search party?”

“I’ll volunteer!” Andrew jumped to his feet. “What do I do?”

“No, not you,” Juliet said. “Michael, Sally, Titch, Jemima, you all seem calm enough.”

“What about you?” Jemima enquired.

“Pigeons scare me. Rats with wings.”

“Alright.” Titch stood up to take charge. “Michael in the kitchen, Sally can check the bathroom, I’ll head to the bit behind the platform and Jemima can go to the storage cupboard?”

“Sounds good,” Michael affirmed. “What about the living room and diary room?”

“Scottish Batman can guard the diary room door,” Juliet offered. Scottish Batman nodded. She continued, “Maybe a few of us can position ourselves around the living room, too?”

12:10PM - STORAGE CUPBOARD

Slowly, the shadow beyond the door grew closer and closer. Lots watched it anxiously, still stroking the pigeon’s head.

“They’ll want to take you away,” he muttered. “Wherever you end up, I want my brother to know I’m thinking of him. Take a message to him. Or take that message to heart, if you are my brother.”

“Lots?” Jemima approached with caution. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to find my brother. He’s everywhere and yet he isn’t here.”

“We can’t have the pigeon in the storage cupboard, Lots,” Jemima said. “Take it outside.”

“What if he’s sending me a sign, Jemima?”

Jemima leant back on the counter beside Lots, at a loss for words. “Maybe the sign is to keep going in here and he’ll be waiting for you on the outside?”

“Maybe.”

“You can’t be clinging to a pigeon for weeks,” Jemima continued, trying her best to put herself in Lots’ position without disgust taking over. “I’m sure he misses you too, but if you want to make him proud, keep going and enjoy your time here.”

As much as he wanted to be stubborn, Lots did want to make his brother proud. “You’re right.”

Unexpectedly, the pigeon on his lap fluttered its wings and made for the door.

“Shit.”

12:12PM - LIVING ROOM

“JIM!” Ethel exclaimed, watching the pigeon flutter out from the corridor, skimming the ceilings. “Come back to me!”

“Tina!” Julep darted to the door, dragging it open as quickly as she could. “Get something to lure it over.”

As ‘Jim’ circled above Ethel, Tina rushed to the kitchen and grabbed whatever she could get her hands on. Jemima and Lots sprinted out from the corridor to see Tina waving a spatula and a slice of bread in the air, as Ethel danced around the creature flying about the room.

“Ethel,” Jemima hissed, placing a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to get her to stop. “You’re not helping.”

“I’m not trying to,” she replied. “Let Jim be happy.”

The pigeon dove for the bread, only tearing off a tiny piece as it raced outside, barely missing the top of the doorway. Julep slammed the door shut.

“Goodbye!” Lots called after it, rushing to the door to watch it fly away. “I’ll miss you.”

Jemima, Julep and Tina sighed collectively in relief.

“We did it!” Julep panted. “Please don’t let that happen again.”

“Let what happen?” Tracy pulled open outside door and stepped inside, followed by Xavier.

“Where have you been?” Jemima said in exasperation. Xavier mimed smoking a cigarette. Jemima scowled. “All that time? Did you not hear anything?”

Tracy shrugged, striding past Jemima. “Nothing babes. Like a soundproof room, innit.”

Titch stepped past the curtain as Xavier followed Tracy out of the room. “We got it?”

Julep nodded. “Still got to clear everything up, though.”

“I’d like to volunteer Tracy,” Jemima muttered.

“We’ll get it done quickly if there’s a group of us,” Julep said. “I’ll go recruit people, you guys get supplies?”

3:45PM - DIARY ROOM

“Hello, Arthur.”

“Hello.”

“How are you getting on right now?”

“I’ve been worse,” the old man sighed. “The house is all cleaned up now, at least. That Ethel sure is something, isn’t she? I still don’t know whether that was intentional or not. I do suppose it brought us all closer together as a house. Remarkable how quickly you start to get to know a group of people when you spend all your time with them. Or maybe it isn’t. What else are you going to do with no other entertainment? Then again, I don’t know that much about them in the grand scheme of things.”

“Who do you think you know the most about?”

“Well, let’s see… difficult to tell, I think. You tend to branch out in different ways with different people. We all got through the basics of what someone does for work and where they’re from and whatnot. I do think Father Andrews is an interesting fellow, though I can’t say I have any interest in becoming a Hornchurch Christian. Andrew tends to ramble on, so everyone knows about him. Tina, too, though only on occasion. And about very different matters! Other times she just watches, which is fair enough. And I would like to learn more about Ethel, I must admit, even with all she’s been doing, she seems like she could be fun once you know her.”

“Thank you, Arthur.”

8:22PM - GARDEN

Bright orange stained the horizon as stars began to emerge, the sun still high enough in the sky that it peeked over the high wooden fences. Titch admired the stillness of it all, allowing himself some peace from the chaos of the house. His position on the bench allowed a glimpse into the house through the glass door on his left - most of the housemates were gathered on the main table in front of the platform. Juliet looked particularly opinionated tonight. He turned back to the sky, thinking about the view from back on the farm; there was much less light pollution out there.

“Hey,” Xavier said quietly, sitting down beside him. “What are you doing out here?”

Titch glanced up at the tall man, the twilight illuminating his chiselled features as he gazed up at the evening sky.

“Just needed a moment,” Titch replied, looking back up at the horizon. “Can’t say I’m exactly used to bein’ in an environment like that every hour of the day.”

“Would you rather me go?”

“No, no, you’re alright.”

Xavier nodded. “Are there many people on your farm?”

“Not usually. S’pose there will be soon, what with the harvest comin’ up, but usually it’d just be me, my boyfriend and the assistant. My brother too, sometimes, but he’s gone off to do other things. Not exactly like a farm is a quiet place to be, but there’s definitely somethin’ different about bein’ around fifteen new people all the time to the other kinds of social situations I might be in.”

The wind rustled through the foliage. Xavier turned to Titch. “You say you have a boyfriend?”

“Yep.” Titch continued to look out in front. “There a problem with that?”

“Not at all,” Xavier responded. “I did think you liked aubergines a little too much.”

Titch laughed. “Tell that to all my ancestors.”

“It was different back then. Perhaps they were hiding something.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, before Xavier added, “I myself am bi.”

“Makes sense,” Titch said. “You in a relationship, or…?”

“Why? You interested?” Xavier smirked.

“I said I have a boyfriend!”

“You could have a second one?”

Titch shook his head, no longer smiling. “No. Was only askin’.”

Turning away again, Xavier gazed out at a tiny bird hopping along the fence. “No, I am not in a relationship.”

“Didn’t know if there was something between you and Tracy.”

Xavier smirked. “No. More like a friends with benefits situation.”

Incredulously, Titch looked at Xavier, who clarified, “Only without the benefits. Different benefits. We aren’t doing anything in a house with fourteen other people. It was a simile, okay?”

The wind synchronised with Titch’s sigh. “I think I understand. Just flirtin’ around each other and the like?”

“Oui.”

“Is it mutual?”

Xavier shrugged. “She is married. I’d hope so.”

“Christ,” Titch uttered. “Flirtin’ with someone else on national TV.”

“She tells me her marriage is failed, maybe it goes both ways.”

The sun fell behind the fence.

“Your family supportive?” Xavier asked.

Titch looked up at him sideways.

“You don’t have to answer, if it’s too personal.”

“My brother doesn’t care. Never came out to my parents.”

“Do you intend to?”

“Too late.”

“Oh.” Xavier shuffled in his seat. “Sorry, I should not have brought it up.”

“It’s fine. Been a while. You said I didn’t have to answer. I chose to.”

Hues of pink spilled out across the sky. The tiny bird on the fence fluttered away into the clouds.

“I haven’t spoken to my family in a while,” Xavier began. “I don’t know where they are anymore.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“I would try to find them, but they told me they would never forgive me for what I did.”

“For what you did? Like, bein’ bi?”

Xavier didn’t respond. Titch decided not to press further.

“That’s awful.”

They let the time pass by in silence, until the sky had darkened enough that Titch decided it was time to head back inside.

“Was good talkin’ to you, Xavier,” he said as he stood up. “I don’t encounter many of ‘my kind’ out in rural Dorset.”

Xavier watched him go, the twilight casting a somewhat ethereal glow over him as he made for the door, setting fire to those intelligent hazel eyes. “Was good to talk to you, too.”

MONDAY 28TH JULY, 9:58PM - BIG BROTHER COMPOUND

“Woah!” André exclaims from his position on the stage. “What a crazy episode! So many silly antics, so many heartfelt conversations!”

The crowd cheers frantically, waving signs and banners, ranging from ‘XAVIER IS SEXY AF’ to ‘WE <3 SALLY’. One is just a picture of Lots with a crown poorly edited on and a wonky heart drawn around his face, its bearer brandishing it like there is no tomorrow.

“That’s all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen,” André continues. “But be sure to join me after the break for Big Brother’s Brotherly Chat for all the latest gossip in the house! See you there!”

Chapter Text

WEDNESDAY 30TH JULY, 9:00PM - BIG BROTHER COMPOUND

“I’LL PUT A SPELL ON YOU, YOU CHEEKY FUCK!”

The crowd goes wild as André appears onstage in a puff of smoke, his usual visor replaced with a wizard hat.

“How are we doing tonight, ladies and gentlemen?”

The audience hollers as they wave signs in support of their favourite housemates.

“Woah! I’m your host, André Beetroot, and tonight we’ll be seeing the drama of the shopping task, followed by the ultra-tense process of nominations! That’s right, everyone, it’s not long ‘til our first eviction, and tonight we’ll be opening up the polls to see who it’s gonna be. So, it seems fitting to ask: who wins? You decide!”

MONDAY 28TH JULY, 9:33AM - BEDROOM

Michael was awoken by what was quite possibly the worst bardcore cover he had ever heard. A cacophony of archaic instruments flooded his eardrums, obscuring a vaguely familiar melody that he couldn’t quite place. Next to him, Andrew was bopping along, oblivious to the fact that he had - yet again - stolen the entirety of the duvet. He didn’t particularly mind, given the warmth of July, but he figured it might become an issue if they both made it into September and October. Then again, even if they did, they probably wouldn’t have to share a bed by that point. Maybe there would be some kind of twist where Big Brother stole all the beds, or sliced them in half, perhaps.

Once the housemates had all woken, the music (if it could be called that) ceased. Big Brother’s voice resounded through the room, inviting them to the store cupboard. Michael knew that the cupboard was too small for all of them at once, so allowed himself to wait for others to go first.

“What do you think it’s about, then?” Andrew asked.

“Probably something medieval,” Michael said.

Andrew nodded. “I hope that music comes back.”

“...Why?”

9:38AM - STORAGE CUPBOARD

Jemima opened the door and held it open for Juliet, Sally and Amanda. It was tight inside, most of the space taken up by racks of clothes.

“Interesting,” Jemima remarked, seeing rows of bright colours.

Juliet took off a hanger and handed it to Jemima. “That’s you.”

The clothes on the hanger weren’t exactly clothes Jemima was familiar with. Most of what was on it was concealed by a bright red cloak, which Jemima supposed was on-theme with the fake, fiery torches lining the walls of the corridor. She looked up to see Sally place a giant, pointed hat on Amanda’s head.

“How is this practical in any way?” Amanda asked, trying to fight Sally off.

“Just what Big Brother says you should wear!” Sally giggled.

Amanda turned to the rows of clothes. “What does Big Brother say you should wear, then?”

Wordlessly, Juliet passed Amanda a hanger, upon which were a variety of greens, yellows and browns.

“No ridiculous hats?” Amanda implored.

Juliet shook her head, taking off her own hanger, which seemed fairly plain in comparison to the others.

“Look at this,” Sally picked up a brimmed hat with a peacock feather. “Whose is this?”

“Arthur,” Juliet read.

“That’s amazing,” Jemima laughed. “Everyone got everything?”

10:24AM - LIVING ROOM

“Housemates, this is Big Brother. Please gather at the sofas immediately.”

There was a pause as the housemates filed in from the corridor, wearing their new, fantastical outfits.

“Welcome, adventurers, to Big Brother’s House of Pub.” A crackle of thunder sounded, followed by a swooshing noise. “In order to earn the luxury shopping budget this week, you must successfully run Big Brother’s House of Pub for a day. You will be spilt into staff and heroes. The staff - Tracy, Xavier, Andrew and Scottish Batman, led by head barkeep Juliet - must manage the pub, cook food and deal with the heroes and bard. Meanwhile, the heroes - Ethel, Tina, Sally, Michael, Lots, Jemima, Father Andrews, Amanda, Titch and Julep - will complete quests to defend the pub. Finally, Arthur the bard must entertain the rest of the pub in a performance this evening. Good luck, housemates.”

10:42PM - DIARY ROOM

“Hello, Juliet.”

“Hello, Big Brother. What do you want?”

“Juliet, as head barkeep, it is your duty to assign quests to the adventurers that visit your house of pub.”

“Big Brother,” Juliet interrupted. “Why is it called house of pub? No one says that.”

Big Brother ignored her. “Juliet, please go behind the curtain to assign the heroes to their quests.”

10:47PM - BACKSTAGE

Juliet slipped behind the curtain. The tiny room was better lit than usual, more fake torches positioned along the walls. Turning to her left, she made for the bulletin board labelled ‘QUEST BOARD’, upon which were three posters - presumably the quests. Beneath those were pictures of the housemates, split into two groups: warriors and mages.

“Quest one,” Juliet read aloud. “Looking for a party of two warriors and one mage to clear out the rats in the basement. Eugh. Quest two - need a party of one warrior and two mages to escort Falmouth. Who is Falmouth? Quest three - seeking two warriors and two mages to guard the house of pub overnight from the dragon.”

She picked up ‘Ethel the Barbarian’ and ‘Lots the Rogue’’s pictures and moved them to the third quest. “You two seem capable of staying up all night.”

“Amanda is stubborn,” Juliet mused, picking up the photo of ‘Amanda the Wizard’. “I think she would be able to control ‘Falmouth’ if it - whatever it is - wandered off. And Father Andrews is used to talking to congregations. He can probably control one guy.”

After putting ‘Father Andrews the Cleric’ beneath the poster for Quest two, she considered her options. “Then there is a warrior. I will choose Tina, for now.”

‘Tina the Fighter’ joined Father Andrews and Amanda’s party.

“I do not want to subject Jemima to a night with Ethel and Lots.” Juliet moved ‘Jemima the Warlock’ to Quest one. “That seems like a very bad idea. And so the rest is done by elimination.”

The remaining two warriors - ‘Sally the Ranger’ and ‘Michael the Paladin’ - were moved to Quest one, while the mages - ‘Titch the Sorcerer’ and ‘Julep the Druid’ - were put under Quest three.

“Hm. Big Brother, I believe I am done.”

11:06PM - LIVING ROOM

Arthur readjusted the guitar and strummed a C chord, then winced and adjusted the tuning pegs.

“You play guitar?” Tina asked, sitting down beside him.

“A little bit, yes.” Athur ran his thumb down the strings, letting each one ring. “Kept me entertained while I was at sea. Big Brother gave me some things for my performance in the evening.”

Tina nodded. “How’s that goin’?”

“Not too well,” Arthur admitted. “But I’ll think of something.”

“Well, I’ll be rootin’ for ya,” Tina said. “Just remember, we’ll all be judgin’ if you screw up.”

Arthur laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

11:24PM - KITCHEN

“They really are going fully medieval, aren’t they?” Andrew muttered as he scanned the shelves to find anything other than bread and root vegetables. “What can we actually cook?”

“Since we have the time, I was thinking stew.” Juliet pulled two large pots from a cupboard. “Then we can cook the meat in the fridge this evening.”

“How interesting,” Tracy remarked.

“I would like to see you come up with something better,” Juliet snapped. “All we have are turnips and onions.”

“There’s carrots, too,” Andew added. “Ooh! I found more bread. Seems extra crusty.”

“You two begin preparing the vegetables, I will go check up on the rest of the staff.” Juliet disappeared through the door.

Tracy reached past Andrew and grabbed a handful of turnips. “She seems happy today.”

“Maybe it’s tough being head barkeep.” Andrew made a start on the carrots.

“It’s not that serious,” Tracy said. “She’s acting like it’s pivotal, you know what I mean?”

11:26PM - LIVING ROOM

Juliet found Scottish Batman behind the bar that had been placed not far from the kitchen, talking to Father Andrews.

“You know,” he said, sliding a glass of water to Father Andrews. “It’s important to let yourself take a break sometimes. Like yer doing here - yer more than Hornchurch Christianity, an’ that’s okay.”

“Yes, I agree.” Father Andrews caught the glass of water. “Thank you for affirming that for me. It has been many years since I let myself take a break.”

“Scottish Batman,” Juliet began. “I have told you not to slide drinks.”

“Sorry. I’m just really getting into character.”

Juliet frowned before looking across the room. “Xavier?”

“Oui?” Xavier looked up from his position on the sofa, sprawled out among the other housemates. “Do you need anything?”

“I need you to stop flirting with customers,” Juliet said.

“I am not flirting, I am merely getting to know them.”

“How is that helping the task?”

“What would you rather me do?”

Juliet made an exaggerated gesture back to the kitchen. “Perhaps help with the cooking?”

“Scottish Batman is not.”

“He is on the bar,” Juliet replied. “If you want to take over then you can negotiate that with him.”

11:29PM - KITCHEN

“How much do you think we need?” Andrew asked.

Tracy regarded the vegetables they had chopped. “You’re probably good on the carrots, babes. Maybe an onion or two?”

“Gotcha.” Andrew grabbed some carrots. “Shit.”

Bread rolled across the floor.

“Shit indeed. They should’ve put that shit in the breadbin when they swapped the food around,” Tracy commented as Andrew began to gather it up. “We’ve got enough food. Betcha Juliet won’t even notice it’s gone.”

“Won’t notice what’s gone?” Juliet asked, looking at the bread rolls on the floor from the doorway. “What happened?”

“Knocked one of the baskets as I was getting carrots.”

Juliet sighed frustratedly. “How clumsy do you have to be?”

“They’re fucking massive baskets,” Tracy justified. “I probably would’ve done the same. There’s more bread, anyway.”

“I seem to have been given the most incompetent staff possible.” Juliet watched as Andrew threw the bread away. “You go. We are clearly better off without you.”

“Sorry!” Andrew said defensively. “It’s just bread!”

“There’s sixteen people in this house,” Juliet stated. “Go do the bar, or something. Tell one of the others to come in here.”

2:39PM - BASEMENT

“I’ve didn’t know this part of the house existed,” Sally noted as she made her way down the steps behind Jemima and Michael.

“That makes two of us,” Jemima replied.

The basement was a dark room, lined with the same torches as before. Three rectangular metal boxes were positioned around, each with a grid of nine holes in them, while a transparent barrier sectioned off the left side of the room, though there was a door built into it.

“Hello, adventurers. Welcome to the basement.” Big Brother’s voice echoed around the plan walls. “You have been tasked with exterminating the magic hoard of rats that live here. Jemima will go into the control room beyond the glass to summon the rats, while Sally and Michael will use the weapons provided to attack the rats. Good luck.”

Sally and Michael took the foam hammers hanging on the wall beside them as Jemima went beyond the glass door.

“Right.” Jemima studied the buttons before her - red, yellow, green and blue, each with a symbol on it: a flame, a book, a leaf, a book and a music note. “I’ve got four buttons, anything on your side?”

Michael approached one of the three boxes. “There’s some drawings along the top. Looks like a dragon attacking two guys.”

“The dragon could be the fire button. Any colours or symbols on the other two?”

“The first one is wearing a lot of green,” Sally called. “The second one more yellow.”

“Alright, I’ll try red, green, yellow.” Jemima pressed the buttons in that order and looked up. A grey shape popped up from one of the holes and Sally stepped back in shock, while Michael tapped it with his hammer. More appeared and the pair of them kept hitting them until they were certain that no more would appear. A short note on the harmonica played and the box lit up.

“It’s like whack-a-mole,” Sally said as she moved to the next box. “Whack-a-rat.”

“Do you think we could do one each at the same time?” Michael asked. “We probably don’t need the two of us on one.”

“Okay,” Sally replied. “This one has someone singing, I think? Then the dragon is there, too. Then the yellow person casting a spell.”

“Music… fire… book…?”

While Sally began to deal with the rats appearing, Michael shouted out what was on his, “Green person first, looks like he’s kissing the yellow guy. Then there’s a guy on the end with a guitar, or something.”

“Green, yellow, blue?”

Sally’s box lit up as rats started popping up from Michael’s.

“Wasn’t very difficult,” Jemima remarked.

“Don’t jinx it,” Sally said.

Michael concluded his rat whacking. “All good. Maybe they get harder as they go along?”

Jemima stepped out from behind the glass and made for the stairs. “Lucky us.”

4:40PM - LIVING ROOM

“Falmouth has arrived,” Big Brother announced ominously. “Amanda, Father Andrews and Tina, please meet him in the garden.”

“Who’s Falmouth?” Amanda asked as she headed to the door.

Father Andrews met her there. “There’s a town called Falmouth. What a place.”

“There ain’t gonna be a town waitin’ for us outside, though.” Tina was the last to join them, looking through the glass door. “Looks like a squid.”

4:41PM - GARDEN

A hooded individual dressed as a squid waited outside for them, bobbing around enthusiastically. Tina walked over to him and he gave her a piece of paper.

“Sayin’ we need to take him to room 241, apparently,” she called. “I assume there’s a time limit, or somethin’.”

“Where’s room 241 supposed to be?” Amanda asked.

“I’ll go check.” Father Andrews disappeared before either could protest.

Tina put a hand on Falmouth’s back and guided him up to the deck. “Guess we’ll make a start, then.”

4:42PM - LIVING ROOM

As housemates stared at the strange squid man, Amanda slid the door shut behind them and Tina began to lead Falmouth towards to the corridor. Suddenly, Falmouth turned and sprinted to the kitchen, leaving Tina and Amanda behind. A yell sounded and Amanda ran after Falmouth.

4:43PM - KITCHEN

Grabbing a spatula, Juliet jumped back, away from the creature that had ran into the kitchen, which was currently grabbing bread rolls and splashing water in its face. “Get away!”

“Sorry!” Amanda took Falmouth’s arm - tentacle? - and pulled him away. “What are you doing?”

4:43PM - LIVING ROOM

“Everythin’ okay?” Tina asked as Amanda reappeared with Falmouth.

“He was splashing water on himself, for some reason,” Amanda replied. “Grab the other side, will you, please?”

Tina obliged and together they took him through the corridor.

4:44PM - CORRIDOR

Father Andrews met the other two as they entered the corridor.

“There’s a little 241 on the diary room door,” he reported.

“Let’s get him over there, then.” Amanda tugged him away from the storage cupboard door. “Not going in there.”

“I’ll go behind,” Father Andrews said.

“Sure.”

They continued onwards, until they reached the diary room. Amanda let go to press the entry button and-

4:45PM - BEDROOM

“Christ.” Titch jumped off the bed he was sat on and scrambled away as Falmouth dragged Tina into the bedroom. “What the hell is that thing?”

“That’s Mr Squid,” Julep joked, not moving from where she was. “Another friend of mine.”

“Is that your quest?” Sally asked Tina.

“Yup.”

Father Andrews caught up and tugged Falmouth away.

4:45PM - CORRIDOR

“Got him,” Father Andrews sighed, “Now just back the way we- really?”

4:45PM - BATHROOM

Immediately, Falmouth made for the showers. Tina lost her grip and Falmouth entered the cubicle and started turning every knob he could while Father Andrews desperately tried to pull him away.

“Be careful of your mic!” Amanda called as she joined them in the room.

“I’m trying!” Father Andrews replied, finally managing to wrench the now drenched Falmouth away. Amanda gripped Falmouth’s other arm as Tina went to switch off the shower.

4:45PM - CORRIDOR

Not making the same mistake again, Amanda slammed into the button with her elbow and at last Falmouth cooperated, entering without needing to be forced in.

4:46PM - DIARY ROOM

“Is this what you wanted, Big Brother?” Amanda panted as they followed Falmouth inside.

“Thank you, heroes.”

9:12PM - LIVING ROOM

Arthur strummed his guitar one last time to check the tuning, looking out in front at the fifteen people gathered below him at the table, dishing out food and turning their chairs to face him. Satisfied with the tuning and seeing that his audience was ready, he said, “I don’t want to be doing this anymore than you want to watch, but it is part of the task.”

He strummed the first chord and sang out in a low, bassy growl.

“I used to be just a man in the sea
But now I believe I am found
I applied for a show and I got to go
To a house where there’s people all around

“And perhaps it is strange
But I believe this change
Has done and will do me good

“We’re in the house with Big Brother
Our entertainment is each other
As we entertain the nation
Broadcast from a TV station
What a world we live in
Where we’re living it up
It’s a gift that keeps on giving
So my friend, fill up your cup

“I can’t say how long I’ll stay
It isn’t my choice
But being here brings me cheer
So listen to my voice

“We’re in the house with Big Brother
Our entertainment is each other
As we entertain the nation
Broadcast from a TV station
What a world we live in
Where we’re living it up
It’s a gift that keeps on giving
So my friend, fill up your cup.”

The other housemates applauded politely. A few cheered.

“Encore! Encore!” Andrew chanted. Juliet side-eyed him but Ethel and Lots joined him, though mostly because they enjoyed chanting. Soon, Scottish Batman, Tina, Julep, Father Andrews and Sally also began to chant, though whether it was because they enjoyed chanting or actually wanted an encore was less clear.

“Really? I don’t really have anything else,” Arthur protested, but the chant continued. “ Let’s see…”

‘Once upon a time
In nineteen sixty-nine
There was a man
He had a plan
To thwart the communists
And the fascists~’

9:30PM - LIVING ROOM

‘~With the woman from the bus
They took down Magnus O’Puss
And that was the end
The End.’

There was much less enthusiasm for this other song, much to Arthur’s relief. He took his seat at the table as Big Brother’s voice sounded.

“Thank you for your performance, Arthur. There is only one more task for the adventurers tonight, for it is rumoured a dragon will be flying down from the mountains tonight. Head barkeep Juliet has requested that Ethel, Lots, Titch and Julep stay up through the night to defend the house of pub from this dangerous monster. Please come to the diary room after the meal has concluded.”

Titch glanced over at Juliet, his expression completely neutral. Juliet looked away sheepishly, uncertain about how to respond.

TUESDAY 29TH JULY, 2:27AM - LIVING ROOM

“Sorry,” Juliet whispered. “It was a process of elimination. It was not targeted, I promise.”

“Could you have put them anywhere else?” Titch asked. “I don’t mind the task, it’s the night with those two I’m worried about.”

“Maybe you will become close friends,” Juliet said. “Good luck.”

The other housemates filed out, leaving him alone with Ethel, Lots and Julep. He looked at the ‘weapon’ Big Brother had given him - a glorified laser pointer, basically. Julep had one too, only it was a little longer, more of a staff than a wand. Meanwhile, Ethel was armed with a foam hammer, Lots a foam dagger.

“How’re we feeling?” Julep asked, trying to make conversation.

Titch shrugged. Lots stared at his fake dagger.

“The balance on this is all wrong,” Ethel muttered, swinging her hammer around. “I should know.”

“You familiar with hammers?” Julep enquired.

Ethel threw the hammer up in the air, intending to catch it, and hit Lots on the head instead. “I once got in a fight with some other woman who was trying to take me to her basement and trap me in salt. I was like, ‘nope!’ and bonked her with me hammer.”

Lots returned her weapon. “I think I met her. Almost took my brother.”

“She sounds absolutely terrifying,” Julep said.

After a few moments, Titch spoke up, “How long until this dragon gets here?”

As if on cue, a loud roar played through the speakers and a tail dropped down from ceiling, making Titch jump. The others seemed unfazed, however, and Ethel smacked it with her hammer, causing it to rise back up to the ceiling and disappear. An eye appeared on the far side of the room, and Julep shone a light on it. It blinked shut and disappeared. Then, a red light began to drift along the floor towards the corridor. Julep grabbed Lots and followed the light, leaving Titch alone with Ethel.

“Stay there!”

“Got it,” Titch called back, shining his light at something that had appeared on the ceiling.

2:34AM - CORRIDOR

“This is a pretty strange task, isn’t it?” Julep said as she pointed a laser at a claw swinging from the diary room door.

Lots jabbed at a silhouette behind her. “There’s stranger. My brother once summoned a demon.”

“What happened?”

“I was the demon. Great times.”

Julep waited for some kind of explanation that she quickly realised was not coming.

“To be fair, I know a talking polar bear,” she said.

“Mm, yes, you’ve said. What’s he like?”

“Well…” Julep didn’t know where to begin. She’d been anxious about talking in detail about him - even her closest friends in the house knew little beyond his existence - but given the things Lots had said, she doubted he would have much difficulty believing her.

4:01AM - LIVING ROOM

“Do you think they’ll be coming back any time soon?” Titch asked, when he had decided he was certain that no more targets would be appearing for a while.

“Hm?” Ethel turned around to face him. “Probably not, no. Maybe. I don’t know. You ever fought a dragon before?”

Titch was caught off-guard by the sudden change of subject. “Can’t say I have, no.”

“You’ll get the chance.” Ethel grinned at him through the dim light. “If you want to. Or perhaps even if you don’t.”

“Have you?”

“Twice.”

“Really?”

“There’s a shit ton in Germany, if you know where to look,” Ethel said. “First time I fought one off was decades ago. They made a statue of me. There’s a few of those around.”

“How would you even find out about that kind of thing?”

Ethel threw her hammer up again. It landed on the sofa behind her. “Word of mouth. Just like now. You never had any kind of magic in your life?”

“I have, actually.” Titch sat down. “Made a deal with a witch. Apparently that kind of thing’s been going on in the family for generations.”

“What was the witch called?”

“Margaery.”

“Ooh. I’ve had a couple of run-ins with her, funnily enough.”

5:47AM - CORRIDOR

After hitting the same target for what felt like the hundredth time, Lots spotted something white fall to the floor.

“I found something!” he exclaimed, stooping to collect it.

“What is it?”

He squinted at the piece of paper in the dark. “Says ‘Find the claw at the bottom of the garden if you want to meet Friaren’.”

“You go, take Titch,” Julep decided. “Ethel and I can hopefully fend it off while you figure out what that means.”

5:48AM - GARDEN

“Where are you taking me?” Titch yelled as Lots dragged him outside.

“Find the claw at the bottom of the garden if you want to meet Friaren!” Lots recited, pushing the note towards Titch. “Help me find it.”

Titch decided not to argue with him and searched the left-hand side while Lots looked on the right. It took a short while, but Lots felt his finger brush something in the grass. He prodded it.

*CLICK*

Something slid open. To Lots’ right, a stairway downwards had opened up.

“Found it,” Lots called. “I wonder if it’s all a message from my brother.”

“I thought this was relevant to the task?”

“Oh, yes, right.” Lots began to descend the stairs. Titch followed at a distance.

5:51AM - SECRET ROOM

The first thing Titch noticed was the giant dragon-shaped piñata hanging from the ceiling. It was clearly the first thing Lots noticed, too, as he immediately started smacking it with his dagger.

“Is that Friaren?” Titch asked. “I’ll go let the others know.”

5:54AM - SECRET ROOM

Ethel descended the stairs behind Titch and Julep and readied her hammer to attack the dragon. She stood before it and… nothing. She dropped the hammer and punched it. That felt more effective.

“Hold it still, will you?” She requested. Titch took hold of it and Ethel whacked it again. And again, and again.

Another white slip of paper fell to the floor and Titch picked it up. “You killed the dragon. This means it can’t attack the house of pub. The task is finished and you may go to sleep, from Big Brother.”

10:36AM - LIVING ROOM

“This is Big Brother. Would all housemates please gather at the sofas.”

Julep awoke with a start on the sofa to find the other housemates appearing around her, chattering. She rubbed her eyes and glanced at Titch, Lots and Ethel, who all seemed to be just as tired. At least they had gotten some sleep.

“As you all know, yesterday, you participated in your first shopping task: Big Brother’s House of Pub. Having reviewed the results, Big Brother can now say that you have passed this task and earned the luxury shopping budget for this week.”

The housemates cheered.

“You are now free to go.”

11:58AM - BEDROOM

Sally glanced around anxiously and took a pill from the container.

“What are you doing?” Andrew practically materialised beside her.

She quickly swallowed the pill and put the bottle away, glancing up at Andrew. “Nothing.”

“You looked like you were doing something,” Andrew said, sitting down on the bed. “Is it drugs?”

“No?”

“What is it, then?”

Reluctantly, Sally took out the container and showed Andrew, who read the label, looked at her and stuck out his hand. Sally shook it confusedly.

“Would you mind keeping it a secret?” She asked quietly. “I know it’s publicly broadcasted - I’m not worried about that. I just don’t really know how to tell the rest of the house.”

She wasn’t entirely sure that Andrew could keep secrets, but he nodded. “Of course. I haven’t properly anyone either.”

“About what… you’re also…?”

“I thought it was obvious!”

“Not really.”

“I’m basically the shortest person in the house, my voice is super high-pitched, I look like a fourteen year-old…” Andrew listed. “Do I need to continue? I’m pretty sure I’ve literally worn my binder around the house.”

“I didn’t notice.”

“I think half the house know, at least,” Andrew continued. “I just never really felt like I needed to announce it.”

“I think I’m the same.”

“I don’t think anybody knows about you.”

“I just meant about announcing it.” Sally glanced at her reflection in the panelling, then back at Andrew. “But… are you sure?”

“Well, yeah!” Andrew said. “I’m basically the certified expert and I didn’t notice! How do you do it?”

“Rich parents? Genetics? I don’t know.”

“You’re just lucky,” Andrew remarked. “I can’t even get HRT yet.”

“Are the waiting lists that long?” Sally asked.

“Yeah. Been waiting for like a year and a half already.”

“I never knew. That’s awful. You pass without it anyway.”

Andrew scoffed. “I think about four people had clocked it the moment I walked past that curtain.”

“You pass to me!” Sally said.

“Thanks, Sally.”

Sally smiled awkwardly. “It’s good to find another trans person. I don’t know too many.”

Andrew smiled back. “Same here.”

3:31PM - LIVING ROOM

“Housemates, please gather at the sofas immediately.”

“What is it this time?” Xavier dropped down beside Tracy.

“Didn’t he say nominations were today?” Tracy whispered.

Xavier sighed. “Shit.”

“One by one, I will call you to the diary room. There, you will nominate one person for eviction. May I remind you that discussion nominations is strictly forbidden and will punished. Andrew, please come to diary room.”

3:33PM - DIARY ROOM

(ANDREW)

“I don’t know! I’ll nominate Juliet. She was kind of unpleasant to me yesterday and I just don’t like how she treats people sometimes.”

(TINA)

“I feel like I’m gonna regret this, but I think I’m gonna nominate Juliet. Of everyone, she’s the one I’ve spoken to least and I don’t really see her makin’ an effort to change that.”

(TRACY)

“Jemima. Day one, the vibes were off - she was just needlessly rude to me and I’m still not really sure why. Then obviously she picked me as one of the worst guests even though I’d done literally nothing? Not on, babes.”

(XAVIER)

“I would like to nominate Juliet. She seems to be taking this way too seriously. Just have some fun with it, non?”

(SCOTTISH BATMAN)

“I don’t really have any problems with anyone in here, but I’m going to nominate Xavier. He sometimes seems like he’s hiding behind his attractiveness so that he can get away with any kind of game-playing. I might be wrong, though.”

(FATHER ANDREWS)

“I would like to nominate Juliet. She seems like she is plotting something, however I can’t tell what it is yet.”

(JULEP)

“I’m really not sure, but I think I’m going to nominate Xavier. He seems incredibly suspicious. I can sense a desire to create drama, too - I’ve seen him flirting around the other housemates.”

(ETHEL)

“I’m nominating Jemima. She looks at me like she disapproves of me but she never says anything. I didn’t want to pull the revenge move, but it was her mistake for putting me up.”

(LOTS)

“I am too often reminded of Amanda and her apparent frustration at me missing my brother, so I will nominate her. How dare she believe she knows whether my brother would become cereal?”

(ARTHUR)

“I’m going to nominate Juliet. She seems hungry for fame and power, but she becomes rude towards you quite suddenly.”

(AMANDA)

“I would like to nominate Juliet. I don’t know much about her yet, but I’ve seen the way she behaves towards people sometimes and I’m not sure I really want to know much more.”

(SALLY)

“I don’t really know for certain, but I’ll choose Arthur. I just don’t understand why he talks about his books so much - admittedly he doesn’t say much to me specifically, but whenever I’ve tried to join an ongoing conversation where he’s the one speaking, it’s always been about his books. They’re from almost sixty years ago. Is it really necessary?”

(TITCH)

“I think I’ll go with Juliet. Not for the task last night, just because she seems unnecessarily rude sometimes. This show is basically a popularity contest, so that really isn’t what you want to be doing.”

(JULIET)

“I would like to nominate Xavier. He is not taking this seriously and he seems to be flirting with everyone. Not to mention how close he is with Tracy, who I find particularly annoying.”

(MICHAEL)

“It’s difficult, but I’m choosing Xavier. I don’t really get him, to be honest. He just comes across as vain and a bit of a shit-stirrer.”

(JEMIMA)

“I hate that I have to do this again… I would like to nominate Tina. It’s not that I dislike her, I just can’t really figure out what she’s doing. She’s just there.”

***

In the end, Juliet received seven nominations, Xavier received four, Jemima two, while Amanda and Tina both received one nomination each.

5:06PM - LIVING ROOM

“This is Big Brother. I can now announce that the housemates up for eviction this week are: Ethel, Lots, Tracy, Juliet and Xavier.”

WEDNESDAY 30TH JULY - 9:58PM

“Woah!” André exclaims. “Ladies and gentlemen, the power is in your hands. Vote now for the housemate you want to see evicted! That’s all for tonight, but be sure to join us next time for the first ever eviction. See you there!”

Chapter Text

FRIDAY 1ST AUGUST, 9:00PM - BIG BROTHER COMPOUND

Someone in the audience almost hits André Beetroot with their sign, pledging support to Ethel, as he walks onstage to deafening, increasingly more opinionated cheers. The crowd waves their arms, placards and anything else they can to show support for their favourite housemates. Tonight is an important night.

“Hey, ladies and gentlemen! How are we doing?” André yells at the hollering crowd. “Are we ready for eviction night?”

Unusually, the crowd starts chanting. André could pick up ‘Get … out!’, but they seem to disagree on who it is they want gone. Some want Ethel, some want Tracy, some want Juliet, someone even wants Scottish Batman out, trying their best to keep up with the general rhythm of the crowd despite the four syllable name. One could probably pick up every housemate’s name, up for eviction or otherwise, if they listen closely.

André holds out a hand for silence. “Well, it’s that time again, everyone. Before the inevitable removal of one of our beloved housemates, let’s take a look at what they’ve been up to since we last saw them…”

WEDNESDAY 30TH JULY, 11:01PM - DIARY ROOM

“Good morning, Michael. What brings you to the diary room?”

Michael sank into his seat. “I’m just bored, I suppose. I haven’t come here much, either, and I probably should.”

“Understood, Michael. Do you have anything to share with Big Brother?”

“I don’t know. I’m conflicted. I’m starting to feel like this isn’t the way to go. There are enemies everywhere. Daggers in men’s smiles. I think that’s Shakespeare. Not sure why I remembered that.”

“I see. Michael, would you be interested in a secret task?”

“Sure?”

“Michael, I would like you to spread a juicy rumour about Julep to your fellow housemates. If you can convince at least one other housemate without them realising, you will win a takeaway meal of your choice for you and several other housemates. How many depends on how juicy the rumour is.”

“Right, okay,” Michael agreed reluctantly. “I’m not particularly gossipy, though.”

11:28 - BEDROOM

Michael found the bedroom empty besides Xavier, who was styling his hair at the table in the centre of the room, oblivious to Michael’s entrance. Pausing in the doorway, he exhaled in a kind of whistle, raising his eyebrows, before making for his bed and sitting down in silence. Though he didn’t look up, it seemed to catch Xavier’s attention.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Michael replied. “I just… wow.”

Xavier’s gaze flicked up at him briefly before returning to the mirror. “What do you mean?”

“I just found out something crazy.” Unfortunately, Michael seemed to have forgotten what it was, despite having spent nearly half an hour deciding on it. He’d just have to improvise.

“Something crazy, hm?” Xavier said sceptically. “Tell me.”

“I’m not sure I should. It’s Julep’s story to tell.”

“Should I go ask her, then?”

“No, no, no,” Michael protested. “Then she’ll think someone told.”

“A secret, hm?”

“Yeah.”

“I won’t tell.” Xavier met his eye. “Go on. Just a hint.”

Michael fought to keep eye-contact. “I just found out she stole something. Something big.”

“She confessed to that on TV?”

“Well, either that or Titch lied to me.”

Xavier raised his eyebrows. “You say Titch told you? Per’aps I should ask him, seeing as you are giving me nothing to work with.”

“What are you workin’ with?” Titch could not have chosen a worse moment to enter the room. Xavier smiled at him, before returning to his hair.

“Michael was just telling me something about Julep,” Xavier informed him.

“Oh, really?” Titch shot a confused glance at Michael.

“Oui. Something you told him, apparently.”

“I don’t remember tellin’ him anything about Julep.”

“Might not have been Titch, actually,” Michael corrected. “He and Andrew look quite similar.”

“We’re not that similar,” Titch said. “He’s shorter, wears glasses, sounds completely different…”

“Face blindness,” Michael bluffed.

Xavier ran a hand through his hair one final time before looking up from the mirror again. “How would you forget whether it was one of your closest friends in the house or someone who looks a bit like him that told you something that was clearly so recent and so shocking to you?”

Michael shrugged. “I was so shocked by the news that I didn’t take anything else in.”

“What did she steal?” Xavier asked.

“Uh… dough.”

“Like, money?” Titch sat down on a chair close to Xavier. “Or literal dough?”

“Both.”

Xavier shook his head and laughed quietly. “What is the purpose of this?”

Was Xavier onto him? “What do you mean?”

“Are you just bored?”

“Always a little boring in the house,” Michael said.

“So you’re just making up ridiculous rumours?” Titch enquired. “Or did someone else put you up to this?”

“Big Brother?” Xavier suggested.

With no way to salvage the situation, Michael nodded in defeat. Xavier chuckled.

“You cannot gossip to save your life, my friend.”

2:18PM - GARDEN

Amanda sat down beside Julep silently. Julep glanced over to her, suddenly aware of the silence.

“Hello.”

“Hello,” Amanda replied. “What brings you out here?”

“I’m not sure. I’m just here.”

“I just heard Michael tried to make up a rumour about you,” Amanda told her. “Said you stole dough - both literal dough and money dough. It was for a secret task, I think.”

“What use would I have for dough?” Julep asked incredulously. “I did almost steal a pair of sunglasses when I was twelve, maybe thirteen, but I got too scared.”

“Why sunglasses?”

“We were on holiday somewhere in Spain and my younger brother liked the look of them, but we didn’t have any euros,” Julep explained. “They were a bit funny-looking anyway. Probably for the best.”

“You have a brother?” Amanda asked. “What’s he like?”

“Haven’t seen him in a while, actually. Lives down in East Anglia, though, so I suppose it makes sense,” Julep said. “He’s shorter than me, blond, very practical. Used to be a city planner for Los Angeles. Hope he’s alright.”

Amanda nodded pensively. “I don’t have any siblings. Perhaps for the best - my mother’s a bitch.”

Julep raised her eyebrows at her, but said nothing.

“Sorry,” Amanda muttered. “Well, was good to get to know you a little more.”

7:44PM - KITCHEN

“What are you doing?”

Arthur looked up from the stove to see Ethel peering over him.

“Cooking pasta.”

“Yes, I see that,” she said. “That’s a lot of pasta, don’t you think?”

“It has to be enough for twelve people.” Arthur moved to the pot of sauce and added some extra seasoning.

“Who?”

“Myself, Scottish Batman, Father Andrews, Julep, Titch, Amanda… everyone except you, Lots, Tracy and Xavier, I suppose.”

“How’d you go about organising that?”

“Well, a few days in, we realised that maybe it would be easier if not everyone was cooking for just themselves,” Arthur said. “Started out with Jemima cooking something for a group of six, I think, just whoever was around when Jemima asked, and it evolved from there. I offered to tonight, a few people went and asked around and so it’s twelve people tonight. I’m sure there’s enough for you as well, if you want any.”

Ethel shook her head and wandered off to one of the cupboards. “No need. I’m cooking something for myself, tonight.”

Arthur nodded in acknowledgement. “What are you cooking?”

“Ethel’s surprise.”

“Right.” That didn’t surprise Arthur in the slightest. “What’s the surprise?”

“You’ll see.”

As Arthur’s pasta cooking reached its conclusion, Ethel placed her own concoction on the stove. At first, Arthur only glanced at it, before suddenly double-taking. The supposed ‘Ethel’s Surprise’ seemed to be some form of multicoloured soup, containing ingredients ranging from mushrooms to cherries.

“You like what you see?” Ethel asked, smirking. “The bacon’s pre-used.”

Arthur stared as Ethel prodded a piece of bacon with a spoon, not paying attention to the pasta he was straining. “I’m sure it’s great.”

“Ethel’s surprise, Ethel’s surprise - you’ll know what it means when everybody dies,” she sang.

Arthur hoped the death part didn’t involve poison, but he wasn’t sure at this point. He awkwardly picked up the pot of pasta with one hand and went to leave.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Ethel enquired, making Arthur stop in the doorway. “You leaving me alone like that?”

“Just taking the pasta to the table. I’ll be back to get the sauce.”

“You better.”

Arthur did in fact return for the sauce, moments later.

“Good to see you again, Arthur.”

“Good to see you too, Ethel,” Arthur replied, slightly confused.

“If you ever want some good soup,” she called after him, as he took the sauce and began to leave again. “You know where to get it.”

“Okay?”

THURSDAY 31ST JULY, 10:36AM - BEDROOM

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~’

Juliet blinked at the bright white light and looked around the room, trying to conceal any reaction. They wouldn’t know if she didn’t give anything away.

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIET~’

Never mind.

“I did not ask for this, Big Brother,” Juliet said, trying her best to ignore it. “Everybody is up now. You can stop the music.”

“Happy birthday, Juliet!” Andrew called, before breaking into song. “For she’s a jolly good fellow, she’s a jolly good fellow, she’s a jolly good fellow…”

“And so say all of us,” the other British housemates chimed half-heartedly, while Tina confusedly mumbled something about denial and Xavier hummed the tune.

Juliet winced. “Thank you all.”

“We gotta celebrate.” Andrew sprung out of bed. “Do you think we have anything to make a cake with? I’m gonna go check.”

Michael watched Andrew run off and sighed. “I’ll go make sure he doesn’t destroy anything.”

“I know what we can use for balloons,” Arthur said.

“We are not going to do that,” Jemima scolded. “If you mean what I think you mean.”

“I think it’s an excellent idea,” Ethel chipped in.

“Do as you wish,” Juliet informed them, approaching the corridor. “I appreciate it but do not feel the need to inconvenience yourselves for me.”

10:40AM - KITCHEN

“You found anything useful?” Michael asked, entering the room.

Andrew looked up from the cupboard he was crouched next to. “There’s no cake tins. We do have flour and sugar, though. Not much.”

“Do you know any recipes?”

“Oh, that’s a good point.” Andrew moved to the next cupboard. “Baking is quite precise, isn’t it?”

“Yup.”

“Someone’s gotta know the ratios, right?” Andrew mused. “I think there’s ratios. It’s just flour, eggs, sugar and butter, isn’t it?”

“And some kind of flavouring,” Michael added. “Otherwise it’s just plain sponge.”

Andrew glanced up at the spice rack. “Paprika?”

“...What?”

“Okay, okay.” Andrew took down some tubes. “Cinnamon? Nutmeg?”

“Is there no vanilla extract?” Michael asked.

“No. We have carrots?”

“I think that changes the ratio.”

“Really? Since when was baking a cake so difficult?”

“Since we were prevented from having access to a written recipe,” Michael said. “Look. Let’s put this aside for now, get ready and ask around for a recipe.”

“Alright.”

12:03PM - DIARY ROOM

“Hello, Tina. How are you today?”

“Hey, Big Brother,” Tina replied. “It’s been interestin’, today. Andrew seems more set on celebratin’ Juliet’s birthday than she does, which is funny - I didn’t think they were that close. I can’t blame him, though. Party’s a party.”

“What do you think of Juliet?”

“I don’t mind her. ‘Course, I nominated her, so she ain’t my favourite, but I had to pick someone. She clearly ain’t the most popular in the house, seein’ that she’s up. Might be her last full day in the house on her birthday. Funny, that.”

“Have you heard anything interesting recently?”

Tina raised her eyebrows. “Why’s everyone thinkin’ I got gossip? I don’t do nothing. Guess I do hear some stuff, sometimes. You know Amanda once sailed to the canary islands on a cursed ship to find her husband? Then she got injured real bad, like, should-be-dead kinda bad. But she’s here, now, so I dunno what happened. I think Arthur and Scottish Batman had injuries like that… maybe I should’ve had a near-death experience before comin’ on here.”

She laughed to herself briefly.

“As for stuff in the house,” she continued. “I guess I heard Jemima and Juliet talkin’ about Tracy, but they do that a lot, so probably nothin’ new.”

“Thank you, Tina.”

2:27PM - GYM

The room was practically empty, save for Father Andrews, who was lifting weights in the corner. Scottish Batman stepped inside tentatively.

“I didn’t know this even existed,” he muttered. “How long have you known this was here?”

“Day one,” Father Andrews grunted, putting the weights down. “I got lost on my way in and ended up here.”

“Oh, yeah.” Scottish Batman nodded. “I remember.”

Father Andrews returned to lifting weights. Scottish Batman joined him.

“You don’t really strike me as someone to be hitting the gym,” Scottish Batman mentioned. “Not you specifically, it’s just you don’t really see reverends doing that kinda thing.”

“It’s important to be strong if you want to fight off the phantoms.”

“I don’t think we’re so different, Father,” Scottish Batman said. “You fight off phantoms, I fight off rich twats.”

“Is Batman not a rich man himself?”

Scottish Batman scowled beneath his mask. “American Batman, maybe. Hate that guy. English Batman is pretty posh, too.”

“Is there a Batman for every nation?” Father Andrews asked.

“Pretty much, yeah. There’s a meetin’ every year with the Batman from every nation an’ we all have to report to the Batman council. American Batman’s in charge, then he’s with French Batman, Indian Batman, Japanese Batman, focken’ English Batman… all the big countries, really. But there’re Batmans from smaller countries too, ‘cause they’re just good at what they do.”

“Are you on the Batman council?”

“No.” Scottish Batman paused and dropped his arms to his sides. “They barely see me as a Batman.”

“How come?”

“Apparently I’m just some guy an’ I’m not cut out to be Batman,” Scottish Batman said. “I had all the main Batman events happen an’ everything, but they don’t think I’m good enough. Not even invited to the Batman parties.”

“I understand how that feels.” Father Andrews put his weights down and patted Scottish Batman on the back. “It’s important not to base your value on what others think of you.”

Scottish Batman smiled and resumed lifting. “I don’t focken’ care. I’m used to their deal by now. Thanks for listening to me, Father.”

“Not a problem at all, Scottish Batman. Just a few days ago, you were hearing my struggles at the bar in the house of pub.” Father Andrews made to leave, before turning back around. “You could’ve called yourself Scottish Barman.”

3:59PM - KITCHEN

Andrew had gathered Michael, Titch and Jemima in the kitchen, having insisted to Michael that there were no better bakers than a farmer (“He knows about wheat and stuff!”) and a parent (“She’s probably made cakes for her son’s birthday!”). Now Michael was sitting on a stool, watching the other three argue their way through their improvised recipe.

“There’s almost always more flour than anything else in baked goods, I think,” Titch mused. “I’d say two parts flour, then one part everythin’ else.”

“There’s milk in a cake, isn’t there?” Jemima added.

“Is there?”

“I swear I saw that on a recipe once,” Andrew agreed. “But that was years ago.”

“There’s definitely somethin’ missing,” Titch said. “Have we got butter?”

Jemima checked the ingredients. “Yes. Of course we have sugar. You checked that earlier. Twice.”

“Alright, alright. Is there yeast in a cake?” Titch pondered.

Andrew shook his head. “That’s bread.”

“No, I know that. But I’ve seen it in other things.”

“What are we actually baking this in?” Jemima interrupted. “Are there cake tins in here?”

Andrew took a cooking pot out of the cupboard. “I was thinking of using this.”

Titch took the pot from him and shook his head. “There’s some weird material on the handles and I’m not sure if that’s metal or plastic.”

“We could do a traybake?” Jemima suggested.

“Hey, wait, hang on.” Titch started to examine the ingredients. “A three-two-one-one thing is jumpin’ out at me. Maybe the ratio is three parts flour, two parts butter, one part sugar and one part eggs?”

“How much is a part of eggs?” Andrew asked. “Is it like one egg per part?”

“One egg for a hundred grams of anything else?” Jemima picked up and egg and tried to weigh it in her hand.

“I’d say fifty,” Titch argued.

“Look, I’m sorry, but have any of you actually made a cake before?”

The trio looked to the doorway to see Sally gazing at them, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards as she tried to restrain her laughter.

“I usually just go to Tesco,” Jemima admitted. The rest of the group nodded in agreement.

“Or Aldi,” Andrew added.

Titch shook his head judgementally. “Lidl is better.”

“Have you been in an Aldi recently?” Andrew protested. “They sell TNT now!”

“It doesn’t matter which supermarket is better.” Sally weaved past them to inspect their ingredients. “And for legal reasons, let’s say that no supermarket is better and it is your choice which you go to. Now then...”

Everyone else in the room watched silently as Sally looked through the collection sitting on the counter.

“Do you have baking powder?” she asked, turning back to them inquisitively. “Or bicarbonate of soda?”

“No,” Andrew said bashfully.

“That was what we were missing,” Titch muttered.

Sally leant back on the counter and smiled at them in amusement.

“So, does that mean we can’t make a cake?” Andrew looked at Sally dejectedly.

“There is one way,” she said. “It’s just more difficult.”

“I’m willing to try!” Andrew exclaimed. “I’m not risking going another nine weeks without cake.”

Jemima raised an eyebrow at him.

“I mean,” he corrected. “I’m not risking Juliet not having cake on her birthday.”

Laughing, Sally began to sort through the ingredients. “If you separate the eggs and whisk enough air into the whites, you might be able to get away with not using a raising agent.”

“Am I still needed?” Titch asked. “I heard Arthur is goin’ ahead with the balloon thing in the store room and I’d quite like to go and watch.”

“What?” Jemima looked at Titch incredulously, before heading for the door. “I’m going to go stop him.”

“Why are you so bothered by it?” Titch followed her out. “It’s not like anyone’s usin’ them.”

“For your information, it’s a one-one-one-one ratio for cakes!” Sally called after him. “I don’t know where he got his ratio from.”

“Can I go, too?” Michael began to make his way out. “Seems quite interesting.”

Andrew reached back and grabbed his shoulder. “Nope. You’re gonna help us bake a cake for Juliet.”

“Didn’t she kick you out of the kitchen a few days ago for dropping the bread?”

“This is how we’re making things even,” Andrew informed him. “So, what do we do first?”

7:32PM - LIVING ROOM

Jemima looked distastefully at the ‘balloon’ on the floor and kicked it aside. Standing up from the sofa, she turned towards the corridor and met the eye of someone emerging from it: Tracy.

“Alright?” Jemima asked, approaching with caution.

“Alright,” Tracy replied. “What do you want, babes?”

“I just wanted to talk to you, really.”

Tracy’s expression softened into neutrality. “Mhm?”

“Actually,” Jemima said. “Could we go somewhere more private?”

“Good luck finding that, with sixteen people around.”

Reluctantly, Tracy followed Jemima up the steps onto the platform and behind the curtain.

7:33PM - BACKSTAGE

“Look,” Jemima began, once she was certain no one was around. “I just wanted to apologise. It’s my fault that you’re up now and I regret it. I based my judgement of you on what I can only describe as vibes and I don’t really know why. So I’m sorry.”

Tracy regarded her with the same indifference as before. “Why are you doing this now?”

“I don’t know who’s leaving today, but I don’t want their last full day to be clouded by our stupid dislike for each other,” Jemima answered. “Particularly not if it’s you.”

“Are you trying to save face?”

“I’m trying to create an environment where there isn’t this rift between us. Where we can just accept that we’re not going to be close friends without ending up enemies. It’s stupid.”

“You saying I’m stupid?”

“No!” Jemima protested “But we’re both in the wrong for letting this stew for so long.”

“Don’t shift the blame to me, babes.”

“I’ve admitted that I was the one to set all this all off!”

“You just said I’m in the wrong.”

“So am I!” Jemima exclaimed exasperatedly. “Please, can we just start over with a blank slate?”

“Alright.”

“...Really?”

“Yeah.” Tracy forced a smile. “We don’t need this hanging over us.”

9:44PM - LIVING ROOM

“We don’t have candles, I’m afraid,” Sally informed the house as she sat the rectangular cake down on the centre of the table.

“That is okay,” Juliet said. “You did not have to make a cake at all.”

Juliet went to pick up the knife when Andrew spoke up.

“Are we not gonna sing the song?”

“Does anyone actually like the song?” Amanda asked.

“What do they sing in Italy?” Michael enquired.

“Tanti Auguri a Te,” Juliet replied. “It is the exact same melody.”

“Happy birthday to you~” Andrew started spontaneously, as the others began to reluctantly join in.

They concluded the song, stopping Andrew before he could break into another not-so-great rendition of ‘She’s a Jolly Good Fellow’. Juliet cut the plain cake into sixteen squares and divided it among the housemates as they gathered around the sofas.

“This is actually my first birthday in the UK,” Juliet mentioned. “It is a good birthday.”

“Does that mean we need to introduce you to British birthday traditions?” Andrew gasped.

“Do we have any?” Amanda asked.

Ethel leaned forward and gazed at Juliet, grinning. “Would you like to enter the self-discovery party maze?”

Juliet shuffled away. “No thank you.”

“The offer’s always there.”

After a few moments, Michael held up an imaginary glass. “To Juliet.”

Juliet shook her head and repeated his mime. “To Big Brother.”

Jemima held up her own imaginary glass. “To both.”

“To both,” Tracy echoed, as the rest of the house followed.

FRIDAY 1ST AUGUST, 10:00PM - BIG BROTHER COMPOUND

“It’s finally that time…” André says ominously. “For the first eviction. It’s time to go live to the Big Brother House for the first time since the launch... are we ready?”

The audience hollers and chants ambiguously as the screens show the housemates nervously gathered around the sofas, dressed more formally than usual.

“Big Brother House, this is André Beetroot,” he announces. The housemates smile and nod. A few cheer. “You are now live on Beetroot Broadcasting. Please do not swear.”

André pauses for a moment, allowing the tension to build.

“Ethel.”

Ethel grins deviously, clasping her hands together as the crowd reacts: a fairly even mixture of cheers and boos.

“Lots.”

Lots cocks his head, listening to a small minority of very enthusiastic crowd members make their appreciation for him known.

“Tracy.”

Tracy shrugs off any booing she hears among the cheering, though Xavier rubs her shoulder comfortingly.

“Juliet.”

Juliet takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the crowd.

“Xavier.”

Xavier winks at no one in particular and leans back on the sofa, despite the mixed reaction.

“The viewers have spoken… I can now reveal that the first housemate to be evicted from the Big Brother House,” André continues. “...is…”

The only sound is the drone of a synth, playing the same note over and over through the speakers.

The cameras cut to Ethel. She barely takes notice.

The cameras cut to Lots. He grins, but he’s fidgeting.

The cameras cut to Tracy. She puts her arm around Xavier and leans her head on his shoulder.

The cameras cut to Juliet. Her eyes dart around the room as Jemima takes her hand supportively.

The cameras cut to Xavier. He pulls Tracy in tighter, his expression unreadable.

Finally, the cameras show the whole house, all looking between the five nominees nervously.

“...Tracy.”

Andrew gasps.

“You have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother House immediately.”

Tracy smiles bittersweetly as she stands up, the other housemates gathering around her, hugging her, shaking her hand, offering their goodbyes.

“See you, Tracy.” “We’ll miss you!” “Good to have you here.”

Jemima looks at her sheepishly, unsure of what to do. Tracy sighs and hugs her.

“Maybe in another universe, we’d be pals, babes.”

“Maybe.”

“Tracy,” André’s voice echoes through the room. “Please leave immediately.”

“Alright, alright! Calm down, babes, I’m on my way.”

Just as she’s about to step onto the platform, she feels a large hand on her shoulder.

“You trying to leave without saying goodbye to me?”

Tracy turns around and hugs Xavier. “Sorry, Xav. I’ll miss you, babes.”

“I will miss you, too.”

“You better win this show, babes,” she says as she reaches up to kiss his cheek. “See you on the outside.”

She steps up on the platform and waves, before disappearing behind the curtain.

***

“I’M GONNA POP SOME TAGS~”

Tracy struts out on stage, music blaring and lights flashing. The crowd cheers, mostly, despite the booing from earlier. André meets her as she reaches the front.

“Tracy, ladies and gentlemen!”

Tracy strikes a pose. The audience reacts.

“Woah! Tracy, you’ve been an excellent housemate. We’ll give you a few moments to get ready, then we’ll see you in the studio for your interview! See you after the break, everyone!”

10:08PM - DRESSING ROOM

Tracy finds herself being pulled into a hug before she realises who it is.

“Tracy!”

“Susan?”

They pull apart and Tracy’s face lights up.

“Good to see you, Tracy.”

“Good to see you too, babes. Thanks for coming here.”

“Not a problem! Figured you’d rather deal with me than Derek, right?”

“Yeah,” Tracy laughs. “How’d I do?”

“Amazing. The viewers clearly didn’t know what they’d be missing.”

“Thanks, babes.”

10:15PM - STUDIO

“Good evening, everybody! How’s it going?” André exclaims from his seat in front of a much smaller audience than before. “What a crazy episode! Most prominent in all our minds, though, is the latest evictee. Please give a warm welcome to Tracy!”

The camera moves to face the door and Tracy steps out, grinning at the cameras. She turns to face the audience and waves enthusiastically, before taking a seat opposite André.

“Hey, babes.”

“Hey, babes, to you too, Tracy!” André greets. “Your friend Susan is here tonight-”

Tracy makes a heart with her hands towards the audience. “Love you babes!”

“I bet it was a-maz-ing to catch up back there. How are you feeling right now - that was a lot out there!”

“Wasn’t too bad. Not feeling great about being evicted, but you know how it is, innit?”

“Of course, of course. Now, you were only in there for one week, tragically, but what do think it was that made the public decide that one week was enough for you?”

Tracy considers the question for a second, before responding, “I definitely think my conflict with Jemima had some influence, about whose side you take with that. I did start some drama, but I live for it, so I’m just doing what I do. Like, I had that whole thing with Titch. We both got over it, was just a bit of fun, I think, but maybe some people took it kind of seriously? I’m not gonna take it personally, though. You got five people to pick from, innit, so you gotta pick someone. Ethel and Lots are probably really entertaining, Xavier’s hot as hell, so it’s between me and Juliet, really.”

“Interesting take!” André comments. “Now, it’s funny that you mention that, because we’ve seen a lot of people asking one particular question when it comes to you and Xavier: was there anything going on between the two of you?”

“We’re just friends,” Tracy laughs. “Though I will admit, I would absolutely date him if given the chance. That’s just how Xav is, though. A lot of people feel like that, I think. No, we just really bonded a lot quicker than most of the other housemates, so we could be a lot more affectionate, I guess, but the downside was we were very much in our own bubble a lot of the time.”

“Do you think that maybe helped to get you evicted so early on?”

“That’s a good point, actually. It might’ve done.”

“So, Tracy, as someone who has been up and close with the other housemates for a week, who would you say is your winner?”

“Like you don’t know who I’m gonna say!” Tracy says. “Look, it’s gotta be Xav for me - so charming, so funny, all that stuff. If he wants something, he goes after it and he almost always succeeds. Like, he has torn marriages apart because he found them hot - one of them or both. However, if I were to think about it from an audience perspective, I might say Sally or Julep. Sally because she’s such a lovely person, but not so much that it pisses you off, you know? Julep because she seems to find a balance between being interesting and being weird. Like, Lots and Ethel are fun but they’re also really fucking scary, innit. But, like, I dunno what you guys have seen, so maybe the editors have literally only shown Sally and Julep in the worst ways and they’re the most hated housemates.”

“Ooh, okay.” André nods. “Let’s talk gossip in the house. You definitely butted heads with one housemate in particular, but there seemed to be an improvement just before you left. What was the deal with your conflict with Jemima?”

“Well, it started day one, when I tried to join her conversation and she just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. I dunno if that was because she took it as me interrupting, but when she tried to apologise yesterday she said something about vibes. Like, what the hell? Then everyone seemed to make out like I was in the wrong for not trying to fix things when she’s just constantly been a bitch to me and I’ve done literally nothing.”

“Woah! So, do you think that apology was genuine?”

“Nuh-uh.” Tracy punctuates both words by shaking her head slightly. “Like, maybe some of that was coming from a truthful place, but of all the days you could’ve chosen to apologise you choose the day before I could be going? Babes, I’ve been here the whole time. It’s not exactly like I’ve been busy with anything.”

“So great to get your perspective, there,” André remarks. “I’ve got one last question for you, but it is a broad one! Tell me, what were your favourite parts about being in the house?”

“Like, moments or just things?” Tracy asks, to which André responds with a shrug. “Xav has gotta be up there - definitely gonna hang out on the outside. It was very funny to see everyone dressed up like wizards and shit in the ‘House of Pub’ task, whatever that meant. I guess, also, looking back, Ethel and Lots were a lot of fun. Very scary up close, but I’m gonna remember listening in to the whole bird fiasco in the smoking room with Xavier for a long time. Best thing about it was not having to get involved - bet they still don’t know we heard half of it! Other than that, I’m just grateful for the experience. It’s not something everyone gets to do, so I’m feeling blessed that I got picked, babes.”

“Crazy!” André exclaims. “Well, Tracy, it’s been a pleasure to watch you on our TV screens. Now you can finally go reunite with Susan and get some rest! I’m sure we’ll be seeing you again!”

“Thank you so much for having me, babes.”