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It isn’t that Tony doesn’t like Bucky. If that was the case, then why would he tell Steve to invite him over to the tower? No. Tony doesn’t have a single issue with Bucky. He understands that Bucky needs help and a place to stay. He even asks his lawyers and Maria to help him get the government’s hands away from him.
It’s been hard. Months of meetings and accords signed to keep Bucky as a free man, months of working hard and long nights looking at variables and figuring out how to counter attack, in a legal way. Months where Steve spent all of his time with his childhood friend, ignoring Tony, not even caring about visiting him in the workshop. Months of only seeing Steve with Bucky and Steve ignoring Tony because of Bucky.
But it doesn’t matter because every time Tony looks at Steve, every time Steve doesn’t notice Tony looking, he is smiling. And every time Tony looks at that smile he avoids everyone and goes directly to the workshop. It was a routine. He gets up, grabs a cup of coffee, watches Steve smile, or laugh, goes down to work, gets banned by JARVIS, goes to the kitchen for more coffee, watches the team interact with Bucky, goes to his floor, sleeps. Repeat.
“Sir”, says JARVIS, once again, and makes all the screens go black “I’m afraid that…”
“Okay, okay. I get it”, says Tony, angry at his AI for having so much control over his things.
Grumbling about it, Tony arrives to the kitchen, where the team is gathered having dinner. His mind isn’t tired, he can hear the laughs and jokes their teammates are having, but he doesn’t notice Natasha looking worriedly at him. He is just pouring himself some water before going to bed when he hears Bucky.
“Steve? Are you okay?”, he says.
Tony can hear the distress in Bucky’s tone, even if they don’t really talk a lot. He leaves the glass of water on the counter and turns to see his team. Everyone is looking at Steve, who is glaring at his phone, all the color of his face gone.
“Steve?”, tries Bucky again, putting a hand over his shoulder.
“Excuse me”, says Steve and gets up, leaving the room really fast.
Tony and Bucky are about to go after him, both of them taking a step to the door…
“Sir?” says JARVIS, interrupting everyone’s thoughts and making Bucky freeze.
“What is it, J?”
“I must inform you that miss Peggy Carter has just passed away” says the AI.
And before Clint can even blink, Bucky is running through the door followed by Sam.They all know what Peggy means to him, and they are all worried, even Bruce. Natasha is the only one that stays in her place, looking at Tony and thinking about Steve, but more than anything worried about Tony.
Tony doesn’t move an inch, he doesn’t even blink. He just stands there, looking at nothing, completely lost in his mind… and Natasha knows that it isn’t a good thing. She gets even more worried when she moves to him and he doesn’t react.
“Tony?”, asks the spy putting her hand over his shoulder, making Tony jump a bit “are you okay?”
Tony blinks a few times before focusing on Natasha.
“Wha—what? Yeah, I’m—I’m okay…” says Tony with a rouge voice, like he is trying not to break in front of her.
“Are you sure?”, says Natasha, not giving away how concerned she is for him.
Tony just nods and mumbles a pathetic sound that tries to be an excuse, but Natasha can see the first tears and decides not to push. She just stands there and watches as Tony runs to his elevator. She wonders if the other supersoldiers would have listened to the same cry as the elevator’s door closes.
--
They take the Quinjet to fly to London. Most of the team wants to go and support Steve in this hard times, but it wouldn't be a smart decision. If something happened they would need to be near, so they split up. Also, Steve isn't in the mood to be surrounded by people, the only one that he may want to see is Tony, but no one knows the scientist’s whereabouts.
They arrive to London really early, Sam and Bucky the ones in charge of accompanying the Captain, and no one dares to say a thing about that decision. The church is huge and beautiful, perfect for someone as nice and loved as Peggy. Steve feels a heavy weight on his body, and he almost breaks apart when he sees the coffin.
He raises the coffin and, just like when he had woken up in the XXI century without Bucky, he feels miserable. The short walk through the aisle seems to take forever, and the vision of him dancing with Peggy, the one that Wanda had showed him, keeps playing in his head while he walks. He is so into his thoughts, trying so hard not to break in front of everyone that he doesn’t notice the man sitting in the last row.
He touches the coffin one more time, and with his hand over his heart he sits on the first row, decidedly not looking at anyone. Not paying attention to Sam’s nor Bucky’s presence behind him, the only thing that matters to him in that moment is Peggy, his only girl. Steve tries to ignore the glances that people keep giving him, sometimes he hates the fame that being Captain America gives him. He closes his hands into fists, he just wants to grieve his girl in peace...
He can feel eyes on him, but he is trying to ignore them so hard that he doesn’t bother to turn around and see the one that keeps looking to the coffin and to him over and over again.
~
He can’t take his eyes from the man, but he knows he needs to stop looking at him. It feels wrong to focus on him in that moment. It’s not fair to Aunt Peggy to be watching the man she loved in that moment.
That day is Aunt Peggy’s day. Nothing else matters anymore. Today is the day when he finally is left alone. He didn’t have someone to go and cry like when Howard was mean. He feels like a child again, keeps remembering those time when he was a child and he used to run and hide his tears in Aunt Peggy’s arms…
And then he can’t stop the tears anymore. He can’t believe she is gone, the one person, besides his mom, that was always there for him. She used to make him felt loved, and not like a waste of air and space that his dad used to tell him he was. He won't see her pretty smile again, he won't hear her laugh in the phone when he called her to tell her something, he won't see how proud her eyes glinted when he told her about MIT…
And he hates himself. He hates himself for being weak, for crying, for not calling one more time, for not visiting one more time, for not being strong enough to go visit her after her illness, and he hates himself for crying in front of Sharon Carter. He is so emotional, so destroyed that he doesn’t feel how someone sits next to him until that someone is holding his hand. He turns his head to see the stranger that dares to touch him, and he can’t stop the yelp of surprise that leaves his lips
“Tasha?” mumbles Tony, cleaning the tears from his cheeks with his free hand.
Natasha smiles at him, squeezes his hand and looks at the front, where Sharon keeps talking and looking directly at Steve. Tony feels his blood boil and he looks at Steve one last time, just to find the other man looking at the blonde woman with his lost puppy eyes.
~
At first it was pure surprise, to see the woman that he had been about to ask out, talking in Peggy’s service. But when he hears her saying that she was Peggy’s niece he can’t stop looking at her.
He starts to analyze her face, and he can’t believe how he didn’t notice before. How could he be so blind that he didn’t notice the resemblance that Sharon had with Peggy? Maybe that’s why he thought of asking her out… but then things happened and forgot about Sharon. He thinks about the things that happened and remembers all the time that he used to spend with Tony, and he feels sad again. He misses the billionaire. He misses going out with him; he misses those eyes and the smile that Tony hides from everyone but him, and he feels lucky to be one of the few persons to know how beautiful Tony’s smile is.
A smile that reminds him of Peggy from how pure and generous it is. Peggy. Bucky squeezes his shoulder from behind when he sees the sad smile that his friend has, and Steve just touches his hand as a thank you gesture. Tony sees that, but it doesn’t matter to him. He knows that Bucky came first and is always first to Steve. He knows that he would end up losing if Steve has to choose, and he fears that moment. That’s why he runs away from everyone since the arrival of Barnes.
But one thing is Barnes and another one is Sharon. Ridiculous Sharon Carter that always wants to be the center of attention, since they were kids. And now she is trying to flirt with Steve, but worse than that is the fact that she is doing so while at Aunt Peggy’s funeral! How dare she?! She is looking at Steve, at his Steve, as if he is some kind of prize. Tony closes his hands into fists, angry at her attitude. Couldn’t she at least wait until Peggy’s body is cold?!
Natasha frowns at Tony’s body language. She can feel the rage coming from him and knows that the woman talking has something to do with it. Next, she sees Steve looking directly at that woman, and then she looks at her and recognizes her as that SHIELD agent that was in charge of having an eye on Steve in DC. She remembers that Steve almost dated her, but she also knows that Steve has feelings for Tony. She has seen how Steve looks at Tony, and how Tony looks back at him.
She knows that around Steve, Tony is true to himself, and she knows that it is something hard to achieve.
She frowns. Something isn’t right. Tony hasn’t been around them for the last months, but Steve hasn’t said anything because he has been… Nathasa feels sorry for Tony and wants to hug him, but it isn’t her thing. She feels sorry for the genius and wants to punch Steve for ignoring everything but Bucky for the last couple of months
Everything is clear now. She understands and she wants to punch all the avengers for allowing Tony to drift apart. No one has cared because they all thought that Tony was just being Tony. She, at least, should have known better. And she is scared. She knows Tony. She was there when he almost died, and she knows how volatile the genius can be, and she knows that Tony is about to be in that place again.
She has to something. But Sharon’s speech is already over and people are starting to leave the church. Tony gets up and walks silently to see one of the church’s pictures. Natasha stands up too, and moves quickly when she sees that Sam and Bucky are about to pass them in their walk to the exit. Tony is avoiding them, but they don’t seem to notice, which Natasha finds strange, more from Bucky than from Sam, but still…
Are they too worried about Steve to notice their surroundings? Or has Tony become an expert in avoiding people…? That’s it. Tony is using all those years learning how to avoid the press to avoid the team and no one has noticed because they haven’t got the time to know the real Tony. No one has even tried to approach the genius. They are living at his house but sometimes they forget that...
Natasha sighs. There are a lot of things that need to change...
“Tony”, she says approaching him. “JARVIS told me that you haven’t slept. Let’s get back and put you to bed”.
Tony just nods. He doesn’t want to have contact with anyone. He is exhausted and he feels empty. He can feel a huge knot in his chest and tears coming down again, which is a surprise because he was sure he didn’t have any tears left. He spent the night crying in the workshop, in a corner, feeling miserable and alone. So alone and like a waste of space, just like Howard used to say.
He doesn’t deserve good things, he had the help of Aunt Peggy and he abandoned her. He doesn’t deserve anything. He has tried to sleep, but all the memories of him and Aunt Peggy won’t let him rest. He takes a deep breath and, with the last amounts of will, he forcee himself to stop crying.
He won’t let anyone see him cry. Howard would have punched him if he saw him looking so weak. It takes him a few tries to completely stop the tears and to regain control of his breath, but after a few minutes he is in total control of himself again. Sadly, he knows that it won’t last. If he can only get out and reach his car…
But Steve is still there. Maybe he can invite Steve to join them on the way back… He has no problem sharing the car with Sam, Bucky and Natasha if that means the he can spend some time with Steve. His heart needs some rest, some relief and with Steve he always feels a bit better.
“Tony”, comes Natasha’s voice too distant, too far away when he sees Steve and Sharon kissing.
He is an idiot. Why does he think, believe, that something good like Steve can happen to someone like him? No. What he deserves is what’s happening in front of him. He steps back, trying to run away from everything, from Aunt Peggy’s death, from the image of Steve kissing Sharon, from himself...
But he doesn’t see the fucking bench and he ends up hurting his knee accidentally. Sadly, the church is so empty that the noise reaches the front part, making Steve to break the kiss and look at the source of the noise…
“Tony? Natasha?” say Steve confused.
Steve looks at Tony, and then at Sharon and realizes what the genius saw. Tony watches the moment when Steve understands the situation. He is sure that someone, probably Howard, is laughing at him.
Tony curses his life, and curses even more when he sees the little smile in Sharon’s face. Why couldn't he be a woman? Just for one second, just to punch that smile out of Sharon’s face. But Natasha’s hand on his shoulder prevents him from doing something to Sharon.
So he does what he does best. He pretends. He starts his automatic mode and leaves his persona façade appear. And Steve curses internally when he sees that smile on Tony’s face.
“Well, hello there, Capsicle”, says Tony, ignoring how Steve flinches at the nickname. “And hello to you too, Sharon Carter”.
Natasha discreetly pinches Tony’s shoulder, but he just pushes her hand off.
“Hello, Tony.”, says Sharon, behind Steve. “Long time no see”.
Steve turns around and looks at Sharon directly in the eyes.
“You know each other?”, he says with disbelief. “What are you doing here, Tony?”
Steve is starting to feel at disadvantage. He can’t understand what is happening, nor why Tony is there in the first place.
“Of course we do, don’t we, Sharon dear?”, says Tony, ignoring Steve’s last question, with that sweet and fake voice that makes Steve’s arm hairs rise.
Steve sees Natasha move behind Tony, the gesture on her face telling Steve that things can go bad really quickly if they don’t do something, and fast.
“Aunt Peggy used to take me to the Stark’s when she had to meet with Howard”, says Sharon as if it was nothing and looking at Steve, ignoring Tony’s presence and making the billionaire even angrier.
“Tony”, mumbles Natasha, but he ignores her.
“You don’t waste time, don’t you Sharon?”, says Tony, taking a step forward with each word. “You are so quick, so eager to obtain what you want. To shine into the eyes of others…”
“Tony”, Natasha and Steve say at the same time, but none of them were getting to him.
“Couldn’t you at least wait a few days? What would Aunt Peggy feel if she knew that you were kissing Steve a few hours after her death, eh?”
Sharon frowns and looks at Tony. She steps aside, letting Steve out of the confrontation.
“Now you care about her?”, says Sharon, her voice cold as ice. “Tell me, Tony, when was the last time you visited her?”
It’s as if someone slapped Tony. He freezes in his place, looking directly at Sharon through his dark glasses.
“When was the last time you called her?”, continues the woman, knowing how much damage she was doing. “Did she called you Howard? You left her, just like him… All the Stark’s are the same”.
Everyone else remains quiet while tension fills the room. Steve can hear how the candles are burning, how a bird outside the door is singing… how Tony’s breath changes.
“I don’t have to explain myself to you”, says Tony, and turns around.
“Tony…”, says Steve, taking a step forward.
“Sorry to interrupt you, have a great time, Capsicle”, says Tony, not turning and raising a hand to let Steve know that he doesn’t want to be near him. “Enjoy love and all that bullshit”, he says while walking to the exit, followed by Natasha.
“Tell me, Tony”, shouts Sharon from the other side of the church. “Are you angry because of what Aunt Peggy would feel or because I kissed him first?”
Steve turns and sends a hard glare to Sharon. Tony takes Natasha’s wrist to stop the spy before she can slap Sharon.
“Sharon, with all due respect. Go and fuck yourself.”
“Tony!”, says Steve. “You can’t talk to a woman like that.”
“I see no woman here”.
“Tony! Wait!”
“Let him go”, says Sharon taking Steve by wrist and trying to get him closer to her, to obtain another kiss.
Steve can hear Tony and Tasha leaving, and another pair of footsteps approaching. He shakes Sharon off him, and runs to the door just in time to see Natasha saying something to Bucky.
“Tony!”, yells Steve, making the billionaire turn.
“What do you want, Steve?”, says Tony, so low that if it wasn’t for the serum Steve wouldn’t have listened.
“Tony, wait, please”, Steve’s voice is shaking. What is he supposed to do now?
“What?”, says Tony closing the door and waiting, after all he doesn’t have much left to lose that day.
“Let me explain”, says Steve, walking like a scared deer to Tony.
“Explain what, Rogers?”, says Tony, crossing his arms. “Explain that whatever there was between us was nothing? Explain that you just used me to get your friend clean? Explain that I’m a worthless piece of shit? Explain that my hands have too much blood for you? Explain why you keep ignoring me?”
Steve feels every word like a punch in the guts. How could he be so blind to ignore Tony, to not see that Tony was hurting so much?
“Explain that you prefer a curvy blond girl? Or are you going to ask me if she can go live with us, too?”, continues Tony, with the same tone he uses with the paparazzis.
“Look, Stark”, says Bucky trying to ease the things for him. “I can go and find a place if it bothers you so much.”
“You don’t bother me at all, Barnes. For fucks sake”, says Tony, exasperated. He just wants to go.
“It was just a kiss”, mumbles Steve. “I was hurt. Peggy died, Tony. You know what she meant to me.”
Tony laughs and looks at Steve. He takes the sunglasses off, letting everyone see his bloody eyes, the dark bag unders his eyes, just a little percentage of what he feels inside.
“And how do you think I feel?! Peggy was my aunt!”
Sam turns to Tony, an expression of horror in his face.
“She was my freaking aunt, damn it! But none of you knew that, did you?! None of you know anything!”
Natasha puts her hand over Tony’s shoulder, making the other man close his eyes and calm down a bit. Everyone remains quiet. Tony takes a deep breath and looks at Steve once again. There is just one more thing that he needs to say...
“Ok, Steve”, says Tony, making Steve go rigid for the tone and Tony’s body language. “I get it. For Christ’s sake, who better than me to understand that, right? After all, I’m always the one that is an asshole and cheats first. I understand.”
Tony takes a few steps forwards, closer to Bucky, who doesn’t understand what the other man is doing.
“It was just a kiss…”, says the engineer, putting a hand on the soldier’s shoulder. “Right?”
Tony takes Bucky and kisses him hard and deep. He knows that he is hurting Steve; he is sure that Steve is looking at him in disbelief. He enjoys the kiss, because Barnes knows for sure how to respond.
Bucky is confused, but it has been so long since the last time that someone had kissed him that before he knows his mouth and tongue is battling with Tony’s. And he enjoys it. And he hates him for that when he sees Steve’s face after they break apart. The hurt in Steve’s eyes that matched the hurt in Tony’s. Because Bucky knows that Tony is feeling miserable.
“It was just a kiss, right?”, says Tony, puts his sunglasses on again and walks to the car.
Tony knows that Steve is hurt and, judging by the way his fists are shaking, angry. And he needs to know…
“Tell me one thing, Rogers”, says Tony, with a foot on the car while Natasha takes her seat in the other side. “Are you angry because Bucky was kissing me, or because it wasn’t you?”
Steve remains silent. Tony doesn’t want to wait for an answer that he is not sure he can endure. So he closes the door and orders the driver to go.
“You alright?” asks Natasha after a few minutes of silence.
“Always”, he says, squeezing her hand.