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seungmin was good at looking after himself.
his parents praised him for it when he was a child; never waking them with loud, fitful sobs after a nightmare or begging them to check under his bed for the monsters his siblings spoke fearfully of. seungmin had always been stubbornly independent since the moment he took his first breath. it was often to a fault - he’d suffered countless injuries in an effort to do things for himself when his parents were too busy for him. but even then, seungmin patched up his own grazed knees and wiped the tears from his cheeks because he could look after himself.
seungmin didn't need anyone else, because he’d always looked after himself.
the statement had become fact at an early stage in his life, so seungmin naturally brushed off the way his chest began to ache every time he bared witness to his members’ caring natures. the others in the dorm accepted affection so easily, and it only pushed seungmin further into believing he really was designed to rely only on himself, as he’d always done.
however, it became increasingly hard to ignore; flames of jealousy licked painfully at his skin as he’d watch jisung curl up at hyunjin’s side whenever the elder’s smile was a little dimmer than usual, or when chan would address their maknae with an expression of gentle concern reserved just for him. it would burn through his flesh and settle deep within his bones, the desperate craving to just be held grinding them to dust until seungmin felt nothing but a void of emptiness. it sickened him, to want something he just wasn’t meant to have.
it was why he was currently pushing the boiled vegetables around his bowl with his chopsticks, trying to disguise his expression of disgust. he kept his eyes firmly down as changbin wrapped an arm around felix in the seat opposite him. everyone knew meal times were much harder for felix, which only made the nausea turning seungmin’s stomach in on itself worse.
he was selfish. selfish for wanting the same kind of attentive comfort when, realistically, he didn't deserve it, because what problem did seungmin have that was comparable to felix?
seungmin was fine, so there was no excuse why he couldn't just force the food down his throat, even when it felt like chalk in his mouth that he could barely swallow. he’d eaten a total of three bites, which had still required his full attention to not immediately regurgitate, and had therefore remained completely withdrawn from the light conversation around the table.
“yah! seungmin.”
seungmin blinked himself out of his silent efforts to psych himself up for a fourth bite, meeting eyes with jisung who was looking at him with dramatised exasperation.
“i said your name like five times, how did you not hear me?”
seungmin was sure his skin must be green by now as he swallowed thickly to choke out a reply. perhaps his tactless envy of the casual skinship that ensued around him was making him feverish, as his body was beginning to feel akin to a fire itself.
“oh- i just, zoned out, sorry”
before he could look back down at the meal growing cold in front of him, another voice addressed him, their tone notably more serious. the conversations between the other members at the table quietened into silence, and seungmin shifted uncomfortably under their collective stares.
“you’ve barely touched your food, seungmin-ah”
minho’s eyes were slightly narrowed as he studied seungmin carefully, though his expression wasn't hardened and he wasn't accusing the younger. it felt a little too close to concern, and seungmin’s chest suffered a stabbing pain that left him resisting the urge to keel over in his chair. he had to get away from them, minho especially.
“it was nice, hyung, really, im just- not feeling good. im gonna go lay down-”
“seungmin-”
seungmin’s chair scraped against the hardwood as he pushed it back a little too quickly, keeping his gaze firmly pinned to the ground as he stood and turned. he made a beeline for his bedroom, not sparing the kitchen another glance despite the voices that called after him.
the door shut behind seungmin and his legs immediately gave out under him. he all but crawled towards his bed, pressing his back firmly against it and drawing his knees close to his chest. his heels dug into the carpet, trying to keep himself grounded as his breath got caught in his throat with a small sob - he wasn’t even crying, everything just hurt.
seungmin’s skin was ablaze, an agonising mix of shame, self loathing and a distinct lack of touch. the touch of another person, soft, gentle, comforting touch. he’d lived his whole life without it, but seungmin was now rapidly weakening under the crushing weight of not wanting to look after himself anymore. he ached to pass the heaviness of his suppressed emotions onto someone else, even for a moment. they were like hands wrapping unforgivingly around his throat, restricting the airflow to his lungs and making his chest heave. seungmin clawed at his arms, the harsh scraping of nails against skin replacing the tender caresses he wanted to relish in as he was embraced.
it was all seungmin seemed to do recently; want, want, want.
but it didn’t make sense. why he was cruel enough to develop a resentment towards his members simply because they weren't destined to live alone like seungmin was? he'd grown up fine. happy, even. but suddenly he’s twenty-one and resorting to imaging someone taking his hand in theirs, gently cupping his face as they say his name with such care and concern-
“-min-ah…seungminnie?”
seungmin’s spiral slowed to a stop as his eyes focused on the face in front of him, their eyebrows furrowed softly with worry. a very real face, and a very real hand intertwined with his.
seungmin’s hand pulled away from minho’s, faster than a reflex from an accidental touch against a hot stove.
“seungminnie. breathe.”
minho’s voice remained calm and hushed as he brought his hand back towards himself. the elder was squatting beside seungmin, who was still curled in on himself beside his bed. he cast his eyes away from minho’s and, upon remembering how nice it felt to actually have air in his lungs, took in a shaky deep breath, ignoring the way it hitched in his throat. minho watched seungmin quietly for a few minutes, and the younger appreciated the silence. it lasted until the pain in his arms registered with the adrenaline slowly fading from his bloodstream, and his accidental wince triggered minho into action again.
the elder took seungmin’s arm with careful hands, studying the scratches while watching the younger’s expression for any signs of the aversion to touch seungmin had displayed earlier. minho’s fingertips were light enough that his skin didn't burn under them, but the contact was enough to make seungmin want again, and a lump formed in his throat subsequently. minho, being overly observant as usual, detected his inner turmoil immediately and resolved not to bring up the self-inflicted marks temporarily.
“what’s wrong, seungminnie?”
minho’s voice was so soft. seungmin had heard it like that when jeongin had passed out in an extensive dance rehearsal, and when jisung had had a panic attack before a concert, but never towards him.
seungmin was good at looking after himself, so he’d never needed it. until he did.
“i- i don’t know”
seungmin’s voice wavered and broke. tears pricked at his eyes, threatening to spill over as they blurred his vision. he’d thought his skin had burned when he silently craved affection across the room from his members. if it did, then this was hell.
minho’s arms wrapped around him, cautious, like seungmin was a fragile antique that could break under his touch. it was agony, but he couldn't pull away.
seungmin’s lips parted with a harsh sob against the elders chest, who only held the other closer as he gently lifted the two of them from the floor to sit on the edge of seungmin’s bed. a dam had broken inside the younger, who leaned into the searing touch like minho was his lifeline, and sobbed because in that moment, he was.
seungmin felt minho’s hand rubbing slow circles into his back, the fingers of his other cupping the back of his head as the material of his shirt served to soak up seungmin’s tears. minho was practically cradling him, as if he were a child, and the younger felt utterly pathetic. he knew should be embarrassed, breaking down with no real reason to explain why, but minho didn't ask why again, so seungmin allowed himself to be held.
the dorm was silent when seungmin’s tears finally lessened into small sniffles, the sound of plates being cleared away and washed from the kitchen having long since faded. minho didn't let go of him when he fell quiet, so seungmin allowed his head to remain resting against the elder’s chest, listening to his steady heartbeat thudding beneath his ribs.
“better now, aegi?”
minho murmured softly into the silence that settled around them, and seungmin found himself nodding, an action rooted in honesty.
“i think i just… needed a hug”
the younger’s voice was bordering on a whisper, hoarse from crying and small from the discomfort of actually addressing his feelings instead of suffocating in them. minho just hummed quietly.
“i think you deserved one, too”
the elder’s fingers began to gently run through seungmin’s hair, soothing the headache that was beginning to form in his temples from crying. the sentence threatened to make his eyes well up again, so seungmin closed them, pressing his head against minho's chest with a quiet sigh.
“thank you, hyung”
and seungmin meant it. the arms around him warmed him from the inside out, thawing the icy emptiness that had lingered within the younger for as long as he could remember. the touch no longer burned his skin, and seungmin thought he might now understand why his members were so fond of skinship. it was comforting, and he felt looked after in the safety of minho’s embrace. the relief made his body slack against the elder.
“sleep, aegi.”
was all minho replied with, and seungmin was happy to oblige, his eyelids having already grown far too heavy to be opened again. the elder shifted to rest his back against the wall, his hold on seungmin never faltering.
rest came to him easily, a single word falling from his lips as his emotional fatigue relished in the comfort that was minho.
“stay.”
minho did.