Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s the third night.

The third night in a row that Gon woke up to awful retching coming from their bathroom. Like it was his job he padded in there and held back Killua’s hair, rubbed his back and whispered words of comfort. “You’re okay. It’s alright, let it out.”

It’s the third time that Killua flushes red and ducks his bands over his face to avoid Gon’s stare. The look of someone being very confused, but also worried. That look makes Killua’s gut clench, his skin too tight, and his lungs too small. He can’t tell Gon the real reason he’s been throwing up every morning for the last three consecutive days in a row. He would gaze at him with disgust, maybe even spit on his face before throwing him out because Gon could never be happy with that fact that Killua carries his young.

If only Gon knew what he was touching. He was touching someone who’s disgusting, who lies and deceives, someone who almost wishes every morning he would get sick, just so Gon could touch him again. Touch him with those callused but oh— so kind hands. Fingertips of sunlight, gazing over his skin and bringing warmth along with him, carefully cracking the exterior Killua has tried so hard to keep frozen solid.

“I don’t understand.” Gon would always say, “you never get sick. Maybe you should go to the doctor… I’ll take you in the morning.” That of course would never happen. Killua would fuss, he’d throw a tantrum until Gon would crack instead, saying. “Okay, but if it happens again…” And of course it would because the being inside of Killua won’t just go away. He doesn’t know if he really wants it to, he has spent days gazing down at this own stomach, skimming his fingertips along his still flat skin and imagining his make- believe future where everything works out like they do in books.

The days always start the same. Killua wakes up in a lazy stretch, a sunbeam peaks out from the wind blown curtains, the days morning, breezing in and caressing his body in something soft. Just then his nose would pick up a smell so delicious that he has to bleary blink open his eyes just to try and get a glimpse of it. Gon comes in the room, he’s holding the source of the smell, a plate full of chocolate pancakes and sausage. He’ll be kissed lazily, coaxed out of bed and into the kitchen where he enjoys his meal and watches lovingly as Gon feeds and plays with their baby. The little infant has dazzling blue eyes such as his own, but his hair is spiky and brown, skin on the tanner side. Gon will always say he has Killua’s smile though.

This fantasy dream plays out the rest of their day in a continuing, mundane fashion. Maybe they’ll visit Leorio and Kurapika, drop the baby off to spend some alone time together. Perhaps a date will insue, Gon will fed him chocolate strawberries, messy sandwiches and a single bar of real chocolate. They’ll gaze at the clouds overhead on their grassy mountain, joking about how one looks like Leorio with baby throw- up on him, and another looks like Leorio falling into a mud puddle. These of course would be supplied by Killua himself. Gon would always joke about more cheesy stuff, about how one cloud looks like a sleeping Killua, “you always sleep so adorably, Killua!” Another looks like Killua beating up people for chocolate, “you’re so funny, Killua!” Killua will blush of course, because that’s what he does.

But instead of taking a day for themselves maybe they stay home with their baby. They cuddle up on the couch, taking turns on who gets to hold the mini them, and of course holding one-another all so softly as well. They’ll play horrible movies, maybe some bad action where men dodge a hundred bullets and somehow manage to not get hit by a single one. Maybe they’ll play a romance, one where the relationship is so forced and weird. Maybe a comedy, one where they don’t laugh at all, only cringe.

After spending a lazy day on the couch they’ll have dinner. Gon, of course will cook because Mito has taught him way too many food recipes to go to waste. It will obviously always be absolutely delicious. When the night comes around and they all get a little too sleepy, Killua will head up into the baby room to put their baby down to sleep. He’ll read a sort story, one sort of like this. Then Gon will come in while he admiring the little now sleeping infant, gently holding it’s little fingers and caressing it’s soft baby skin. Arms will wrap around his torso from behind and his neck will be peppered with lovesick kisses. Gon will murmur about how much he loves him, and this little world they have.

They themselves will head to bed then, and with Gon’s arms wrapped securely around Killua’s waist, his chin resting in Killua’s messy white hair, they’ll both drift off into a dreamless slumber. Only to wake up the next day and everything be just as wonderful, beautiful, and mundane.

That of course, is just a fantasy. A stupid, hopeless dream like place that Killua can only visit when his reality becomes too painful for him to bear. When he wakes up in the dead of night trembling, gasping for breath and wanting to just sob until he dies. When it’s the middle of the day and he looks into the mirror to see his stomach protruding a bit more than what’s normal. Like a moment right now, when Gon has just gotten angry at him and now stands by the doorframe while he’s still trembling on the dirty, bathroom floor, his throat tight and his stomach still queasy, trying everything inside of him to not start crying and begging for Gon to hold him and listen to him while he tells a hopeless story.

“I can’t stand this anymore.”

“What?” Killua croaks, trying to not flinch at the harshness in Gon’s words.

“This.” His hands gesture to Killua on the floor hovering just above the toilet seat with a grimace lacing his face. “This is scaring me… I’m scared, Killua. What if something’s really wrong? You never get sick and now it’s the third morning in a row that you’ve thrown up.”

“I—“

“I’m taking you to the doctors— I don’t care if you don’t want to go!”

“Gon, wait—“ Killua reaches out to Gon just as he storms off into their bedroom, his hand falls flat on the bathroom titles with a slap, and his face pales. He can’t… He can’t go to the doctors.

They’ll see.

Gon will see…

Killua reluctantly heaves himself up from the cold floor, finding Gon again. “You’re being dramatic, Gon I’m fine.” He says but the man ignores him, throwing off his nightshirt and pulling a more appropriate piece of clothing over his spiky head.

“Yeah, because throwing up every day is normal.”

“It’s not everyday.” Killua rolls his eyes, putting up his familiar cold front.

It’s not much of a lie. He threw up two weeks ago when he in his eighth week of pregnancy, which was the first time, it began to be sporadic from there. And now it’s gotten even worse at ten weeks to where he’s finding himself in the bathroom floor nearly every morning now. He’s not sure how long Gon has been aware of his sickness, it was only two days ago that he started to take care of him.

“I don’t care, Killua. Get dressed we’re going.”

Dread settles in Killua’s gut. He thought maybe he could go a few more weeks, maybe even a couple of months pretending like everything is fine. That he isn’t carrying Gon’s child. That he could remain Gon’s best friend for just a little longer till Gon finds out and kicks him to the curb.

This isn’t right.

It’s not suppose to be so soon.

Killua grips his chest, it hurts. He almost feels like he can’t breathe. His throat feels tight again, his skin suffocating and his heart beat too fast. His world is crashing down around him and he can’t do anything to stop it. Everything is too heavy, suffocating, it feels like he’s being strangled by pressure.

“Killua!” The panicked boy snaps his head up. “We’re going, come on.” Gon grabs his arm, dragging Killua who’s still in his pajamas out and into the open world.

“G—Gon.” Killua chokes. “Wait, please…” But too consumed by his own worry and panic Gon continues to yank his friend along by his arm while Killua trips and stumbles behind him till they reach their car.

Oh—God.

He really can’t breathe. He’s chocking on air like a complete damn fool.

Killua feels himself slipping, literally and metaphorically by how his mind is whirling into a void of utter panic and madness, and by how his legs tremble till they buckle and he’s slipping down onto his knees and hands.

The world around him is muffled as if he’s trapped in a small, plastic bag thats smothering all of his senses. Sounds are far away, distant, he can hear Gon saying something but it’s dull and muted down to the last notch. His nose can’t smell anything other than a cold, dusty stench. His hands feel scratched raw, throat still tight, skin coated with grime and his stomach warped and knotted.

Everything only comes back to him when warm, solid arms embrace his broken form. His lungs suck in a massive breath of air so large and needed that it hurts his chest.

Sound comes back to him slowly, carefully as if his ears are scared to hear.

“S’ry— I’m sorry… I yelled at you, I’m so sorry, Killua.” Gon’s petting his head— thick, comforting fingers comb through his white tresses. Another hand trails down over his spine, over every single vertebrae, not a single one missed. It’s now that Killua realizes Gon is holding him, his forehead is pressed into the man’s chest and his arms are limp over his lap.

Oh, fuck…

Killua jerks back, latching his eyes onto Gon’s and willing him to forgive. He didn’t mean to invade his space. Gon must be disgusted, he had to hold him… touch him…

“Sorry…” he ducks his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean too— sorry” Killua stutters over his words, only interrupted by the one he’s pleading too.

“Stop apologizing.” Like a live wire Killua’s jaw snaps shut. “I was being a jerk, I’m the one who’s sorry.”

The younger male looks up into those honey swirled eyes once again with a look of desperation. “Gon, I really can’t go to the doctors.” He shakes his head, expression pinched.

Gon must really think he’s an idiot, a complete brat. Throwing a fit and having a meltdown simply over a doctor’s visit. It’s a miracle Gon hasn’t just decided to ditch him already, hit him on the face to knock some sense into him and then abandon him; for that’s what he deserves.

“No, I— I think I know what’s going on.”

“What?” Killua’s world wavers. He knows? There’s no way… How could he? He’s been painfully careful, hiding his sickness for the most part and avoiding physical touch with Gon, especially around his midsection. He even made a divider with pillows in the middle of their bed so he wouldn’t wake up in the morning with Gon’s arm wrapped around his waist— because that’s happened before. He wears baggy clothing all the damn time so much so that he misses his turtlenecks dearly. He avoids wincing while his breasts are tinder and sensitive, even that one time when Gon hit him on the chest when they were sparring. That hurt a lot.

Has all this stress been for nothing because Gon has known practically the whole time? Was he that fucking obvious? Is he just completely Incapable of keeping anything from Gon? He’s such a damn idiot… He deserves this, deserves whatever it is Gon decides to do with him for daring to bare his child. Daring to dream of a world where they’re together, happy and gleeful with their baby.

So Killua grits his teeth, clenches his eyes shut and braces himself.

“You’re scared of needles. It’s why you don’t want to go to the doctors…”

Huh?

Gon doesn’t know?

Gon believes he’s scared of needles— likely because of Illumi… Gon has no idea he’s pregnant.

Oh thank, fuck.

“Yes— I… I can’t go.”

“I get it, Killua. I get why you’re scared but you can’t ignore your health in favor of not facing your fear. Your health is more important, it’s always more important.”

“But, Gon.”

“No. I haven’t changed my mind we’re still going.”

He can’t— he really fucking can’t…

…But maybe this is good.

He hasn’t gone to the doctors once since he discovered his pregnancy, the baby could be in bad health. There could be something wrong with what he’s doing day- to day that’s affecting the baby negatively. He couldn’t deal with himself if something were to happen to this part of Gon.

He doesn’t want to go but he should.

The health of their baby is important, important to Killua at least. Gon might be absolutely disgusted and disgraced by him but isn’t the health of their baby more important than his own feelings getting hurt?

He’ll just—

He’ll go. He has to.

Killua just has to figure it out when they’re there, because there is no way he’s letting Gon find out this way.

Later, he’ll tell Gon later on.

—

“I’ll hold your hand so you won’t be scared.” Gon reaches out with a smiling face and takes Killua’s hand.

It’s warm.

Once again Killua is dumbstruck by his best friend’s kindness and warmth. Hold his hand? No one has ever wanted to do that. The last time someone held Killua’s hand was probably when Illumi led him out into their foggy backyard. It was gloomy that day— so, so gloomy and dark. It captured perfectly what Killua had felt because he knew where big brother was taking him.

Right down the path he’d sneak to everyday, where five baby birds rested in a nest that Killua had made himself. The baby’s had fallen from their home so Killua had taken it upon himself to find them shelter and feed them, as the mother was nowhere to be found.

Illumi made him kill those baby birds that day. It was the same day that Killua vowed he’d never take care of anything ever again.

Now he carries his and Gon’s baby. How ironic is that?

The papery hospital bed is cold beneath his thighs, it makes him want to shiver and shrivel up into something small and unimportant. It would represent how he feels. Gon holds his hand like he matters though. It’s weird— strange.

“You look scared.” Gon frowns at him. “I promise it’ll be okay.” Killua’s hand pulses with a tight squeeze.

“G—Gon,” Killua nearly blushes. “I’m fine. Honest.”

Just then someone knocks on their door and Gon calls out for them to come in. It’s Leorio, he’s clad in his doctor scrubs, classic glasses perched on his nose and that familiar scowl on his face.

“Now, what are you two doing here? It’s never good when you two show up.”

Before Killua manages to get a word out Gon pops up. “Killua’s just been sick lately! Nothing too bad, it’s just worrying me so I forced him to come see you.”

“Sick, eh.” Suddenly Leorio eyes latch onto
Killua’s own and he sweats nervously, instantaneously becoming incredibly aware and conscious of his body. He shifts his legs awkwardly on the bed, unsticking his thighs from the pesky, annoying paper. He pulls his loose t- shirt away from his stomach, making sure there’s plenty of air between the cloth and his belly. No way Leorio can just tell by looking at him… Right?

Okay, maybe. He is probably around pregnant women all the time. But he’s not a girl so Leorio shouldn’t be conscious about it around him.

Hopefully, at least.

“Can you tell me some of your symptoms then?”

“Umm…” Killua blanks. What should he say and what shouldn’t be say? What symptoms are exactly suspicious?

“Okay. Just tell me if your throat is sore, if you’re congested, if your body is achy, if your head hurts. Fever or headache? What’s going on?”

“Well… I’ve just been throwing up. That’s pretty much it.”

“That’s it?” Leorio quirks an eyebrow at him. “Your head doesn’t hurt? No stuffy nose or sore throat?”

Should he lie? It might be a good cover up if he were to simply lie about his symptoms and make his illness seem like the common cold. Although, Gon knows stuff like that doesn’t affect him, it’s why he’s been so annoying about all of this because he knows that the common sickness isn’t something that takes Killua out. Gon would know he’s lying… And Leorio will probably check him out and obviously see that he doesn’t have those symptoms.

“No, that’s it.” Killua decides.

“But Killua, you haven’t been eating much lately at all. Also you haven’t been very active lately, you’ve been sleeping in a ton and never want to spare or go for a run. You even turned down a hunt the other day!” Gon drops Killua’s hand, turning toward him with a resolute expression. “Don’t lie, I know you feel a lot worse than you’re letting on.”

Killua hadn’t known Gon had been that observant. He didn’t even realize that he actually has been more lazy and despondent till Gon said that. Has he really? Sure he’s been sleeping in a bit longer but his sleep schedule usually fluctuates depending on his nightmares. If they’re worse, which they are right now, then he stays up later in the night because of them, but then sleeps in longer in the morning to catch up on the sleep he lost in the night. When his nightmares aren’t so bad he usually matches up with Gon, sleeping all through the night and then waking up at a decent hour. Maybe Gon just hasn’t noticed that… Either way, it looks bad for him.

Speaking about his decreased appetite though, Killua has been eating less lately, Gon is right about that. The stress of his pregnancy has been affecting his will to eat, he simply hasn’t been in the mood for it lately. Besides, he throws everything up in the mornings anyways, so not a huge deal. This detail isn’t terrible for him though. It does warrant concern, but not for pregnancy, because based on what Killua has briefly read he knows that pregnant moms usually have an increased appetite during their pregnancy. He, in fact, does not. Perhaps if he weren’t so stressed he would be scarfing down any weird combinations in sight. Until Gon is aware of his pregnancy though, he indeed will not be stress free.

“Okay, about your nausea, when are you feeling sick? Is it at a specific time, like after you eat or is it sporadic?”

“He’s only sick in the mornings.”

“Gon!” Killua startles. Curse Gon and his big mouth! “It’s random, Gon is wrong.”

“Nu-uh! I’ve been watching you extra and I know that you only get sick in the mornings.”

Killua huffs, crossing his arms and turning his head away with a pointed nose. “Well, you’re wrong, idiot!”

“Gon,” Leorio turns to the island boy, “do you mind if I talk to Killua alone for a bit?”

Gon gazes at Killua for a minute, a slightly frustrated expression on his face, but with a lift of his brow he relents. “Okay… But he’ll probably lie.”

“Shut up, Gon!” Killua yells at him as Gon shuts the door behind him, his gaze unwavering as they remain locked on his blue eyes till the stark white door slides into view.

Alone with Leorio the air holds a thick tension. He looks at Killua like he knows something.

“Is there anything you want to tell me, Killua?”

He gulps unpleasantly, throat suddenly tight again. “No.” The words come out meekly.

Weak.

Illumi would disapprove of his behavior. He’s acting like a baby that’s never learned the assassin techniques of deception. It’s like all of that has gone down the drain. He isn’t that, will never be that. Big brother doesn’t matter anymore he needs to stop thinking about him, needs to get his voice out of his head. It’s already stuffed with plenty of hectic thoughts anyways, especially of late.

“Fine. I’m still checking you out though.”

Leorio checks his ears, down his throat, his blood pressure, his heart rate, his diaphragm. All of that is fine until he puts a small clear cup into Killua’s pale, lithe hands.

“You want me to pee in this?”

Ridiculous…

Can Leorio really tell he’s pregnant through his pee? He hasn’t read up enough on this stuff…

“No, Killua I want you to drink the invisible water inside of it. Haven’t you done this before?”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Can’t you just not be difficult for once? It’s the last thing alright, then you can leave.”

“Fine.” Killua hops up from the bed, grumbling all the while he slams the bathroom door behind him.

When he’s done and comes back out Leorio leaves to retrieve the cup Killua left on top of the toilet.

It’s not long until Killua hears hurried footsteps rushing back toward his door. He almost believes that it’s Gon for second but the slap of the shoes sound too much like Leorio’s lighter, more leathery ones rather than Gon’s heavier ones. The door opens with urgency and nearly slams into the wall but Leorio grabs it in time and shuts it firmly behind him.

Killua knows by the look in Leorio’s eyes that his secret is out. A pit of rocks drop into his stomach… Fuck.

“I’m very confused, Killua.”

“What?”

“I just need you to answer my questions alright?”

“Okay.” Killua deflates, visibly shrinking down in his seat.

“You’re biologically male, no?”

“Look, Leorio. I know that… That you know. Can you please just—“ he closes his eyes. “Can you please just make sure it’s okay? Please?”

Leorio’s face softens, his muscles relax and his eyes take on a gentle warmth. “Alright, lay on your back we’ll do an ultrasound.” Killua does as he’s told and soon Leorio is delicately pulling up his shirt, folding it over just below his chest. He flinches when some cold substance is rubbed onto his belly. “You’re already showing a bit, it’s because you’re so damn skinny.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Leorio places the transducer on his belly, skimming the device lightly over his pale skin. This is oddly vulnerable. Too vulnerable. It’s especially weird with Leorio, considering basically all he ever does with the man is bicker. Nothing between them is ever serious, but now it can’t not be.

“Please tell me how this happened.”

Killua swallows. “It’s because of a card on Greed Island…Gon gave me a pink rock and I didn’t think anything of it. I— I carried it in my bag for a few months and that was enough for it to work…. I’m such a damn idiot.”

“How old are you exactly? What, sixteen?”

“You don’t have to rub it in, Leorio, fuck.”

“I’m not! I’m not! Sorry I just— this is so crazy I don’t know how this is possible.”

“Is it… okay?”

“The baby looks healthy. Did you take a look?”

“Yeah, I just don’t really know what I’m looking at.”

“See this?” Leorio uses his finger to outline a specific staticky area. It’s vague but Killua can see a distant outline of something resembling arms and a head.

Suddenly a wave of emotion washes over Killua in an unpredicted attack. “Fuck,” he brings his hands to his face, pressing his palms harshly into his clenched eye lids to prevent the oncoming tears from swelling up.

“Killua.” Leorio puts the transducer down, wiping his stomach clean with such gentleness that it makes Killua want to cry even more. “Do you want to keep the baby? Because if you do then we need to talk about how to go forward.”

“I can’t— I can’t get rid of it… It’s apart of Gon I could never do that.”

“Okay… alright.” Leorio’s hand settles on his shoulder, softly rubbing his thumb into his thin t-shirt. “We need to talk about your eating habits. I know… because of your training you don’t eat much.”

“I don’t need to.”

“Okay, well we need to fix that.”

“Fine. So I need to eat three meals a day I’m guessing?”

He’s never eaten much. Starting assassin training so early has never allowed him to develop healthy habits. He knows Leorio, as his doctor, absolutely hates it. Most days he doesn’t even need to eat, so doing three meals a day will be very weird for him.

“That would definitely be ideal.”

“Okay… Fine, I can do that. Anything else?”

“Just make sure you’re drinking plenty of water, I can give you some vitamins to make sure you get plenty of what you need. Exercise is still good, and uh— make sure you’re not drinking too much caffeine. You can call me anytime if you have questions or just need support… And about Gon.”

“He doesn’t know and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But you’re going to tell him, Killua… Right?”

Killua lowers his eyes to the ground. He knew Leorio would be annoying about this.

“Of course… Just—“ he winces, “not right now, I’m not… I’m not ready.”

“Killua, it would be better if you just told him now, I mean fucks sake it’s Gon, he’ll be excited.”

“For a baby? With me? I mean, there’s no fucking way he’ll be happy.”

“Why do you think that?” Leorio places a hand on his knee and Killua almost wants to slap him away. He doesn’t deserve that, doesn’t deserve Leorio’s kindness.

“Because… Because it’s me. Gon probably wants a family with some pretty girl and I’m not that. Fuck… I don’t even think he’s, y’know? I don’t think he likes guys.”

“Killua, are you fucking kidding?”

“What?” He croaks.

“Have you seen the way Gon looks at you? Hell he’s dragged you out of the house and all the way here against your will just because he was worried about you.”

“That doesn’t mean anything, that’s just how Gon is.”

“That’s how he is with you, Killua no one else.”

“You’re wrong… Gon is— he’s nice to everyone. He… He loves everyone.”

“He loves you.”

“No.” He’s wrong, Leorio is wrong. A liar, a no good dirty liar.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it, Leorio.”

The doctor clicks his tongue in annoyance, he should know by now that Killua isn’t an easy person to persuade. Gon has been the only person ever capable of getting through that boys white, clouded head.

“Fine, but just know you’ll be a lot less stressed if you tell him already. Stress is not good for the baby.”

“Whatever.” Killua slaps Leorio’s hand away from him, hopping up from the sterile bed with an eye roll. “I’m going, Gon is probably tired of waiting.”

“Make sure to call me if you need anything!” The doctor’s yells at him just as Killua shuts the door behind him.

—

When Killua’s in his eleventh week of pregnancy his morning sickness dies down tremendously. He still gets nauseous occasionally but nothing very serve to where he’s throwing up.

That week he was still reeling from his doctor’s visit with Leorio. He couldn’t believe that someone other than him knew of his predicament. At first he was a bit concerned about Leorio blabbing his big mouth to other people, especially to Killua’s baby daddy. It feels really stupid to call him that but it’s what he is. Besides that, a few days after the visit when it was radio silent from the doctor he figured Leorio knew he’d wake up chocking on his own blood if he said anything.

Still, even though his sickness was gone Killua was getting increasingly worried about his belly. Because of his slimness the bulge was already a little prominent in his earlier weeks, but now that he was in his eleventh week it was just a bit bigger than the previous one, so he began to get worried about how much time he had before Gon noticed.

He started stressing about how to tell Gon. Because how do you exactly go about that? He’s a male, Gon might think he’s joking or just being stupid. It’ll be even harder to stay resilient, and make his best friend really understand.

The twelfth week comes fast. His belly now has developed a thorough bulge that he loves to cradle and palm. He might even whisper stupid stories and lullaby’s to it, just imagining the little baby that’s below his skin with his and Gon’s combined DNA. Of course he only does this when Gon isn’t around though, which isn’t often. He’d probably be pretty curious as to why Killua’s whispering soft words to his stomach.

He’s half way through the week when it happens… When Gon finds out Killua is carrying his baby and both of their worlds change forever.

It starts with an accident.

The morning begins like any other. Killua wakes up to Gon getting out of the shower, steam piles up around the door as it opens. He bleary blinks his eyes open, not even bothering to rub the sleep out of them as he watches Gon slip open the drawers and pick out some clothes. His back and shoulders are dripping with water, Killua almost feels like drooling as he watches one drip from Gon’s hair and down his strong trapezius, along his rippling back and dying on the towel just below his hips. If he weren’t so tired he probably would be drooling, so instead of doing that he instead stretches out his legs, toes curling and peeking out the side of his blanket. The shuffling seems to alert Gon of his presence, he turns and smiles at him. “Good morning, Lu.”

The nickname almost makes him blush. Almost. If he weren’t so used to the dumb things he probably would just like the first few times Gon said them.

“What time is it?” Finally Killua rubs his eyes, turning on his back and now stretching out his arms. He puts them behind his head, propping up his eyes enough to still gaze at Gon. The said male, bends down, holding onto the white towel while rummaging through his underwear drawer.

“Hmm,” he hums, “I think it’s about eight.”

“To fucking early.” Killua scrubs his hands down his face. Gon chuckles at him and then suddenly Killua hears a plop of something wet sounding hitting the floor. He makes the mistake of peeking out from behind his hands only to see a bunch of tan skin, too much skin. “Gon! What the fuck?!” Killua practically yells, face now flush a vibrant, fierce red, it even trickles down his neck.

“Sorry, Killua,” Gon laughs again.

“You could’ve asked me to leave!” Oh God he almost wants to sob. What the hell is wrong with the idiot?

“What? Don’t like what you see?”

“Gon,” Killua groans, scrunching up like a slinky on his side and burrowing himself away in the blankets. “Please, shut up.”

“It’s okay you can look again, I’m mostly covered.”

Mostly?

“No, I’m not looking until you’re fully covered.”

“M’kay Killua.” Gon nearly singsongs.

A moment of shuffling occurs, Gon hums an arrhythmic lullaby while he dresses, Killua isn’t sure what article of clothing he’s on but he for sure is not looking until he’s actually covered. It’d be hard to hide a hard-on and a swollen belly at the same time.

“I’m done, Lu.” Abruptly all of the blankets covering Killua’s body is torn off. He immediately grabs the bottom hem of his shirt, tugging it away from his waist and sitting up, leveling Gon with a glare.

“It’s too early, Gon.” He groans lowly.

“Get up and I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Fine.” Killua grumbles.

For breakfast Gon makes hash-browns and bacon, Killua couldn’t not eat even if he wanted to, the smell was just too good. He sits on the barstool while Gon slides a plate of crispy goodness over to him. “Wheres the ketchup?”

“I thought you don’t like ketchup with your potatoes.” Despite his words Gon slides the red bottle over to him.

“Well, I’m in the mood for it now.” Killua squirts some of the sauce in multiple curvy lines over the expanse of his hash-browns, not daring to get any on his bacon. He wouldn’t dare… Normally though, he would never put any ketchup on his food, let alone his potatoes. So this is very new for him.

It’s actually probably because of his predicament that he’s letting ketchup even near any of his food.

“Thanks for cooking.”

“It’s no problem, Lu.” Again the nickname, it’s the third time this morning he’s used it. That’s a lot even for him.

After they eat both of the boys busy themselves with their respective chores, Killua begins with cleaning their bathroom and Gon starts somewhere else, probably the tidying up the kitchen or doing the laundry. They both always take a day out of the week to clean up their space, both having decided areas that they take care of. For Killua it’s the living room, the bathrooms, dusting. For Gon it’s the kitchen, the bedrooms, laundry. They make it work, although it can be pretty annoying sometimes, like when Killua for example dirties the kitchen by making a meal and forgets to clean up the excess mess, Gon has to deal with it because he’s in charge of making sure that area is decently clean.

Right now it’s irritating for Killua because Gon just took a shower and forgot to put his clothes in the dirty basket. Killua does it for him of course, tossing the slightly damp clothing into the basket and moving it out of his way so he can get stared on cleaning the floor.

It’s when Killua is just about done with moping that he hears a distant bang in the house. He easily writes it off, dipping the shaggy head of the mop into the water and squeezing it out. He scrubs it along over the floor, making sure the dips and crevices of their pink tiled floor is paid attention to.

That’s when he hears it, an audible creak of the floor just behind him, footsteps too light and carefully hidden to be Gon’s. Killua doesn’t still though, he continues his movements as if he hadn’t noticed the sound, it would alert the intruder that he knows so instead he listens intently. Waiting for the absolute perfect time to act—

Just as something is about to hit him over the head all of the hair on Killua’s neck stands up, he whirls around, easily dodging the attack and pushing the attackers chest back into the wall where Killua grabs them by their neck, pinning them in place by a threading grip.

“What do you want?” Killua growls in their face. “How did you get in here?”

“Ki-llu-a Zold-yck.” The man drawls in a creepy, almost sing song tone. “The assassin that ruined my life.”

He’s ruined a lot of peoples life’s. This man wouldn’t be the first one to seek revenge on him.

“So what? Are you going to kill me?”

The man cackles, Killua can feel the vibrations in his throat. “I want to, but I know I can’t.”

Just then Gon slings the bedroom door open, Killua hears it hit the wall but his gaze remains focused on the intruder. “Killua,” Gon comes up beside him and suddenly grabs his face, tilting him so they’re forced to lock eyes. “Are you okay? Who is this guy?”

“I’m fine.” Killua twists his body, hurling the strange man onto the floor and leveling him with a hard glare. “I don’t know who this creepy fuck is, someone from my past probably. He said I ruined his life so I probably killed someone close to him.”

“It was my daughter you monster!” With a shrill cry he lunges at Killua, missing him by a great length because of Gon’s foot that comes down on chest, slamming him back down on the ground with a sick crunch.

“It’s not Killua’s fault. It wasn’t his actions it was his families. If you have a bone to pick go to them.”

“Not his,” he laughs, “I see those cold blooded eyes every time I close my eyes. He’s a monster, a horrible vile—“

The pressure of Gon’s foot increases and the man under it gasps in pain. “If you keep calling Killua names I’ll let you join your daughter early.”

Killua’s eyes snap to Gon’s. So rarely often does Gon get angry at people. It’s usually all sunshine’s and rainbows with him, smiles and compromises. He only gets like this when he’s very passionate about something, in this instance, Killua isn’t sure what that could be.

“You’re just like him, aren’t you? I felt a bit bad at first, taking something from you as well… But now I won’t feel a thing but happiness.”

Gon frowns, confusion obvious in his pinched expression. Killua is similarly like him as well, conflicted about what this random means by taking something.

“What are talking about?” Gon questions.

“Killua… Killua knows. He knows what I can take from him.”

Take from him?

He can’t possibly mean…?

Killua’s hands go to his belly, he’s become familiar with the bump, it feels right under his palms.

“It’s what you took from me.”

Suddenly an exploding pain brings Killua to his knees. He groans lowly, still holding his stomach as he brings his other arm to support his weight. It feels like all of his nerves are on fire, echoing a pain all throughout his body. “Fuck,” he groans, trembling lightly.

“Killua!” Gon immediately drops down next to him, taking his shoulders and trying to peer at his face through white tuffs of hair. “Killua, what’s wrong?” He grabs the hair obscuring Killua’s face, repetitively tucking the strands behind his ears to try and get a look good at him. “What did you do to him?!”

“Hospital,” like a baby Killua grabs at him, holding his pant leg in a vice grip. “Gon, you have to take me to the hospital.”

“W—what?” For a moment Gon seems flabbergasted, likely because of Killua’s quick compliance for help. “Okay, okay hospital.” He snaps out of it quickly.

“T—take me to Leorio, please, fast.”

“I got you.” At first Gon tries to support Killua to walk, but he’s simply shaking too much for it to be possible. “I’m going to carry you, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” Killua’s legs are sweep from underneath him and abruptly he’s in Gon’s arms. He would be a lot more conscious about this if he weren’t so worried about the baby, he can’t even bring himself to be concerned about Gon seeing.

Killua is rushed to the car, and as he’s sat in the passenger seat he curls up into a ball, still squeezing his abdomen. He suddenly feels very nauseous, his head pulsing with pain.

The door on his side slams shut as Gon hops into the driver seat and immediately reverses out of their driveway. As he’s driving Killua feels a hand settle on top of his knee, he can’t even bring himself to be confused as to why Gon is voluntarily touching him.

“What’s wrong, Killua? What are you feeling, please tell me?”

Killua groans, dropping his head on the head seat and heaving for a good breath of air without allowing bile to rush up his throat. “He ruptured my…. My appendix.”

“What?!”

“Just please hurry.” He wouldn’t be nearly as concerned if it weren’t for this baby. If he were all normal then he would have likely just pushed through it until they got rid of the intruder. He never, never likes to bother Gon with his problems. He isn’t worth the worry.

“Are you feeling sick?” Killua’s bangs are pushed away from his sweaty forehead, “You look so gray and you feel hot.” He isn’t sure how Gon is driving while simultaneously managing to access him, but it’s immensely comforting.

“I— I might throw up.” Killua drops his fevered head into his pale hands, fisting his fluffy bangs.

Fuck he is really hot, and so suddenly as well.

“Tell me if I need to pull over, okay?”

“Okay,” he breaths out steadily.

“We’re almost there, it’s not far.”

Throughout the entirety of the car ride Gon’s hands remained on his body, squeezing his bones with a rhythm balanced enough for Killua to focus on it. The comforting pulses keep his nausea at bay, skimming just beneath the surface in his painfully knotted stomach. About half way through his hold shifted from Killua’s knee to his hand, he held his smaller one in a soft grasp occasionally drifting his fingertips along Killua’s knuckles. The touch was so, so incredibly soft he felt like crying, throwing up, ripping his skin off and tearing all his limbs from his body all at the same time.

Right when they arrive at the hospital Killua throws open the door and heaves, acidic bile rushes up his throat and onto the hard pavement.

“Shit,” someone curses just beside him and Killua studies their feet while he tries to catch his breath and wills nothing else to come up. “What happened?” They ask in an incredulous tone.

Gon shuts his door and rushes over to comb the sick boys hair from his face again, although quite useless since theres already acid sticking to the ends of some of his pale hair. “Killua, we need to get you inside.” There’s hands on his shoulders, steading him from tipping out of the car and into his own throw up.

He feels so dizzy and sick. He just wants to let his body go limp and unresponsive, but he can’t— he can’t. The baby…

“Someone has to tell me what’s happening.”

“…Oreo?” Killua coughs, so fatigued that it feels like he can’t even talk.

“Leorio is here, Killua I called him on the way.” He called him? He was so out of it he hadn’t even noticed.

A stab of pain strikes Killua in the gut, he winces, curling up into himself again and nearly tips over if it weren’t for Gon’s hold. He can hear his friends talking but can’t really make what exactly they’re saying.

“I’m… pick..up.”

Warmth embraces him from all sides and things become a little clearer. “Ruptured…” Killua tries to tell Leorio but a dizzy spell forces his head to fall limp onto something hard.

“I told him, Lu. You’re alright, he’ll take care of you… I’ll take care of you.”

He briefly realizes that Gon is carrying him. He would be more embarrassed if he wasn’t so anxious and worried.

“What— what about the…” Killua reaches out and tries to grasp onto Leorio’s bright white coat.

His words either go unheard or ignored because suddenly they’re drowned in the hospitals atmosphere. The lights sting Killua’s eyes and make his head throb about ten times worse. “Mm’hg,” he groans lowly, closing them. It’s terrible for about a minutes until they all find a quieter room. Killua’s laid down on a familiar, cold bed and Leorio along with some other doctors immediately begin to access him. “Baby… The baby.”

“Killua, we’re going to remove your appendix, alright? Just a small surgery we’ll make sure the baby is okay.” A plastic mask is suddenly fit over his mouth and nose, then everything just gets more foggy and dreamlike.

Killua turns his head just barely as he feels someone squeeze his hand. It’s Gon. He looks like a dream, he’s bright, made of pure sunlight, and his smile… his smile is white and shinning. Like a beckon in the stormy night. He hardly manages to say Gon’s name as everything fizzles out, the pain, his anxiety, the fear… Gon.

——

He’s alone.

When consciousness graced Killua’s tired body about fifteen minutes ago he was hesitant to open his eyes. Scared that Gon would be there, eyes cold and filled with hatred, something sick and scarred. Or maybe he wouldn’t be there at all, half across town already and eager to leave Killua and his baby behind.

He did anyway for either outcome isn’t the best and he was concerned about the baby. His body ached as he sat into an upright position, slightly numb except for some spots where he could feel pain.

Pain.

It’s always pain.

Killua lifted his gown and felt his belly, sucking in a lungful of breath as he caressed that familiar swell of skin. He doesn’t think he’s ever loved a single part of himself this much. Or at all.

He found a bandage just to the right of his belly button, a white one with a plastic tube trailing from it. At the end there’s a pouch of sorts, holding some kind of fluid. Killua wasn’t really sure what it was, didn’t really care. It irked him a bit though, that there’s just a tube casually inside of him and he has no idea where it goes or what it’s exactly doing.

Instead he huffed and scouted back down the bed, resting his head on a bundle of surprisingly soft pillows. Now a few minutes has paused and Killua is still deciding on whether or not he wants to hit the button and call some doctor or hopefully Leorio down.

He doesn’t want to face anything. Every single of one his problems seem to great to bear.

Gon knows.

Leorio knows.

Soon probably everyone Killua knows will he aware of the presence in his body.

He’s sick, fatigued and still quite out of it. The baby could be in bad health, at risk… he couldn’t deal with the possibility of it. He’s already lost Gon he can’t bear to lose this part of him as well.

A knock, Killua flinches.

For a moment he juggles with the idea of laying down and pretending to be asleep, dead to the world and dead to himself. They’d probably know.

“Oh-! You’re awake.” A female nurse startles just before Killua’s bed and her face is pinched in shock. “You aren’t supposed to be up for a few more hours at least… I’ll get doctor Paradinight for you.” Before Killua can say otherwise she scurries off.

Then a weight of dread settles in his bruised gut. It feels like fifty pounds at least.

“Your body is absolutely insane.” Is the first thing Leorio says as he pops in the door like he wasn’t ever gone. Like this is his home of sorts.

Killua doesn’t respond, just eyes him wearily and tiredly as the doctor sits at his bedside. “You should go back to bed, Killua, you’re practically half asleep anyways… Your body sure needs it.”

“Shut up,” God his voice sounds horrible. Why does he sound like that?

“I’ll give you a run down of what happened, alright?”

“Okay.” He might just fall asleep before he’s able to.

“We removed your appendix, it ruptured and was endangering the baby as well as you.”

“That’s fine.”

“That tube, I’m sure you’ve noticed it, is draining all of the fluids, you’re lucky you don’t have sepsis.”

“And the baby… There’s nothing wrong with it?” He doesn’t care about himself he just needs to know this.

Leorio gives him a tired look, likely thinking the same thing and not liking it. “Your baby is fine.” He sighs. “Any later and it wouldn’t have been though. Good thing Gon was there.”

“Where is he…?”

“Well first off he’s been here nearly the whole time.” Killua’s heart does a fierce pang. Gon hadn’t left? He stayed? He cares…? “At some point he left, said he had to find the man that did this. He came back a few hours later and said that he was dead and it’s over.”

Dead.

Did Gon kill him?

“D-did he?”

“I’m not sure. He didn’t elaborate. But I don’t like it, he was acting like—“

“What?”

“Kind of how you describe in NGL. Angry, obsessive… Dangerous.”

Killua snaps his eyes to his feet abruptly away from Leorio’s vision. What exactly made Gon so angry? The man? Killua’s condition? The baby…?

He doesn’t realize his breathing has turned unsteady until Leorio begins to rub his shoulder, and tells him that he’s okay, that he’s alright. “It’s not at you. Gon isn’t angry at you, Killua.”

“Was he— was he mad when he… Y’know…?”

“When he found out? Well, he was actually strangely calm about it. I’m not sure if it’s because he was just worried about you and it didn’t really register, or if… I don’t know… He already knew?”

Already knew.

There’s no way, no possibly. Gon hasn’t acted much different lately, there’s been no indication. “That’s impossible.” Killua spits.

“Are you sure? Because—“

“Yes! Yes, I’m sure, Leorio!”

“Alright, alright.” Leorio rubs his shoulder again and Killua is only mildly irritated about it. “Calm down, kid, geez. Stress isn’t good for the—“

“The baby, yeah, yeah I get it.”

Leorio clicks his tongue. Someone’s very grumpy. Given the circumstances though he can’t really blame the kid. “Do you need any thing before I go and let you sleep?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“This,” Killua lifts his arm, scowling at the long needle in his skin. He was able to ignore it at first but know it’s making his skin itchy and because he can’t Ignore that, the tick in his head is getting faster and more constant. All it reminds him of is Illumi, like when he stuck one in his head. It’s making him go mad.

“Thats your IV, Killua you need it.”

Killua shivers. “I don’t care I want it out.”

“Look, I get it. It’s because of your brother, right?” Killua doesn’t respond he only stares at the doctor with a contemplative expression. “Just a few more hours, okay? Then I’ll take it out… You won’t even feel it when you’re sleeping.”

“…Fine.” Killua relents, but only because of the baby.

After Leorio leaves it takes Killua’s awhile to fall asleep, even though he’s so desperately tired. The needle in his arm combined with all of the wires force him to sleep on his back, a position that feels way too vulnerable for him.

Although eventually he does manage to drift off with worries hanging over his head, running along his scalp and tickling his brain. With wires wrapped around his body, strangling him like snacks.

——

When Killua wakes up again it’s barely a second until he begins to stress. He feels a hand in his hair, drifting along through his locks of snowy white hair and catching briefly on a knot or two. They are smoothed through oh so carefully and kindly that Killua almost wants to rip those hands away from him. Almost… It’s like he’s being caressed like a cat, fingertips just barely scratching his scalp as they pet him. It’s feels so good he doesn’t want it to stop.

There’s another hand on him, one thats madly soft and gently resting just so lightly on his belly that there’s almost no pressure at all.

It pains him because he can tell exactly who it is by the feeling of their bare hands on his bare skin. The callouses on their palms is rough but feels soft and kind. The length of their fingers are short but the width is wide and strong. The exact opposite of Killua’s.

It’s the hands that held back his hair and rubbed his back when he was hunched over the toilet with misery in his mouth. The hands that slap him high five and hold his hand when they’re walking in a crowded space. Those scars, those prints live inside of Killua’s skin, staining him, claiming him, loving him.

“I know you’re awake, Killua.”

The words nearly make Killua flinch, but he holds his muscles still and tense. Although, it’s futile because It’s probably the tenseness that gives him away.

Should he open his eyes? What is he suppose to do?

Against Killua’s will his eyes slip open, shifting lazily and sliding into Gon’s gaze headfirst.

“Leorio told me you were awake about two hours ago. I’m sorry I wasn’t here… I really wanted to be.”

Why is Gon pretending like everything is fine? This is fucking crazy, Killua has a tube inside of him for fucks sake and wires wrapped all around him, some he doesn’t even know what goes to. Gon’s hand is on his stomach, his swelled, pregnant belly. How can any of this be normal? The most normal part is actually that Killua can feel the heaps of drugs he took wearing off to expose pain.

After a seat of silence where Killua just stares at him, Gon smiles, “how are you feeling, though?”

“Okay,” Killua murmurs back.

Gon smiles again, “I’m glad. I was really worried because you were really out of it, so I’m glad you’re okay. And the um… The baby too.”

To hear Gon even mention it…

Killua’s eyes dart away and he can practically hear the man beside him frown. But his eyes remain glued to the floor on the very opposite side of his best friend. Holding eye contact is just too much to deal with right now.

“You’re not… mad?” He’s terrified. There’s too many factors at play right now. He has to focus to even breathe, carefully sucking in a delicate breath and letting it flow throughout his lungs and back out of his nose. His whole body is tense, muscles strung tight and enlightened with burning nerves. There was never a point where he’s been this weird with Gon, this awkward, this nervous and anxious. He’s probably making the man uncomfortable as well, with how completely idiotic he’s being but he finds that no matter how much he hates himself for acting this way with Gon, he can’t seem to shake anything loose.

So Killua remains tense, stagnant, still like a robot only doing what’s it ordered to perform.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

In…. And out.

His chest rises and falls like a machine held together by old, worn pieces.

“Of course I’m not mad at you. How could I be when you look like that?” Killua hears a shuffle of clothing, likely Gon gesturing to his defeated, broken form.

His body is really starting to ache. There’s an urge to ask for more medicine, it would have to be heaps of it to affect him any, but… Not now. Not when Gon has just clearly pointed out how weak he is.

He deserves this. Deserves this pain.

“Like what?”

“You look terrified, Killua. I’m not really sure why… I guess I’m just a little frustrated that you felt you couldn’t tell me. But I’m not angry, Lu. I knew you were hiding something I just wasn’t exactly sure what it was.”

Killua’s breath catches. “What? How?”

“At first I did really think you were sick, but after that visit with Leorio I knew there was something more. I… saw Leorio the day after he checked you out, we had breakfast when you were still sleeping and his eyes were too shifty for what he was saying to be true.”

“Did you suspect…?”

“No, I didn’t immediately think of that. But after thinking about your symptoms it did pop in my head. I didn’t believe it because, well you’re a male and it’s not a conclusion that made sense.” Gon rubs the back of his head sheepishly, “guess I was wrong.”

“Oh.” Killua blanks. His thoughts are running too fast for him to even grasp at a single one. “I still don’t understand how you’re not angry at me.”

“Why?”

“Because… well I’m not a.. I’m not a girl. Why would you want to have a baby with me? I mean— aren’t you upset that I even want to keep it?” The words flow from Killua’s mouth before he can really think about them, and the hard beats of silence that pass over them is almost agonizing. When nothing is said Killua dares to shift his eyes over to the silent male. He almost startles by the fierce expression on Gon’s face, and when their eyes meet again Killua feels a lump swell in his throat. It’s almost too intense.

“The only thing that makes me mad is that you think I’d be just like my dad.”

Killua’s eyes widen and he freezes, frozen limbs and eyes locked onto Gon’s. He hadn’t even thought of it like that. That Gon would be like his dad… He could never, never be like someone so cruel… Killua can’t believe he even thought that Gon could abandon his own kid. Yeah, maybe he wouldn’t want Killua to be apart of it, but he would never just up and leave his own child. Not like him…

“Sorry,” he squeezes his eyes shut, hands frantically finding purchase on his own cuticles and tearing into them. “God, I’m— I’m so sorry Gon, I didn’t think of it like that. You never, you could never be like him.” Despite the fact that his whole body is nearly numb with pain, the igniting sensation of tearing his skin off around his nails is somehow grounding him.

“Stop.” Gon grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together and bringing them to his lips. “You don’t have to apologize. I understand why you felt like that, you were just overthinking it s’all” His other hand brushes softly along Killua’s cheekbone, brushing away loose tresses.

He would be melting if it weren’t for the shocking situation Killua has found himself in. What is even happening? How did he get here, with a tube inside of him, a baby growing in his body, and Gon’s kind hands caressing his face like he’s someone worth caring for? It’s shocking he hasn’t had a seizure, a heart attack, just something along those lines.

“Do you understand what I want now?”

“You… You want—“ Killua stutters.

“Yes, Killua. I want to keep the baby, of course I do…. Just imagine, waking up everyday and taking care of our little one, cooking breakfast for them, giving them baths… Reading them bedtime stories.”

Little does Gon know just how much Killua has dreamt of that. Everyday, every night, caressing his belly and whispering his affliction… But despite knowing that Gon wants this too, Killua still feels hallow, like there’s a piece missing. One that fits right in the middle, holding it all together.

And he looks at Gon, sitting beside him, holding his hand to his lips and gazing at him… Just looking at him with the most loving expression.

Then everything just clicks.

In a brave action, one thats almost bigger than Killua himself, he lunges forward and captures Gon in a kiss. It doesn’t even take a second for those lips to reciprocate, melting into him like fine chocolate under sunlight.

It’s quick, clumsy and inexperienced, but so perfectly them.

When they break apart and glance into one another’s eyes they’re both quick to love again. The position is awkward, Killua’s incision throbs with pain, but the kiss is better, perfected just a little more. A kiss that is bound to improve with strength, passion, love and experience.

When they pull back once more they both embrace the silence, their heartbeats, their heavy breathing… Each other.

And the other little presence in the room.

“I love you.” They both whisper with their hearts pulsing in agreement