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When I was a bright-eyed, naive freshman, I used to daydream about my high school graduation. I pictured myself older, as the popular jock that was a starter on the varsity basketball team, preparing to move on to college ball. I thought I'd sit on the football field, surrounded by my many friends, laughing and cracking jokes as the valedictorian stirred the audience with a rousing speech. I imagined walking proudly up to the podium as the district admin handed me my diploma. I'd have finally made it, swam through thirteen grueling years of school. In my mind, I had detailed the faces of my parents, brimming with pride, and my little brother, with a wide smile, staring at me in awe. Afterward, I knew my friends and I would attend our all night senior lock in party. I'd probably win some awesome prizes. We would graduate, and then we would be free from the public school system, from annoying teachers and cafeteria lunches. We could do whatever we wished to.
I didn't exactly imagine this.
I was sitting near the front of the student body, with the honor roll students. I had graduated as number 6 in my class of over a thousand, and I was wearing a sash that indicated my academic achievement.
Elest 154 was fuming, rattling off the reasons why this three hour long ceremony was a massive waste of his valuable time.
<Damn human traditions> he muttered. <What's even the function of these humiliating robes?>
I didn't answer him. I did the same thing I usually did- I stayed silent, curled in a metaphorical corner of my mind, and tried not to attract his attention. At least if he was complaining about something worthless he had to participate in to pass as human, he wasn't harming me.
<Is that right? You know, I am feeling dangerously bored at the moment. Perhaps I should try to find some entertainment. Horror movies sound good to you, slave?> He laughed.
I cursed myself as nausea slid up my throat. I should never have brought it up, should never have thought about it, who knew what he would summon this time?
The yeerk pulled up memories of my former years as a Controller. For the rest of the ceremony, he played them on repeat. The first time my head had been shoved in the Kandrona, the first time I'd been manhandled into a cage. I hadn't gone quietly, the Hork-Bajir guards had gotten rough, and by the time Temrash 252 had returned, I had been covered with blood, slashed up by the guards. He'd had a difficult time explaining that to my parents, but in the end they'd accepted his explanation of crashing through a glass window on a dare from a classmate, and had rushed me to the emergency room to get stitches. The yeerks punished me, and I had never tried to pull something similar again.
It went on like this, for the rest of the speeches. I couldn't escape the images assaulting my mind, but this had happened to me countless times before. All I had to do was numb myself to feeling anything. I had gotten quite skilled at that.
Finally, when the admin started to call out names to come receive their diplomas, he shut off the slideshow and listened for my name to be called. I suppose he should be eager. After all, Elest's the one who earned that certificate. I'd simply sat as a puppet at the back of the classroom, watching helplessly as he mined my brain for the necessary information. It didn't hurt that yeerks knew volumes more about science and mathematics than humanity. The yeerk had made sure to inform me how stupid I was at least once a class period, and what imbeciles my entire species were several times a day, good for nothing but as meat sacks to his much more capable race.
After a while, I guess I started to believe him. After all, the only way any human had figured out that aliens were on the planet was when they took over our bodies and minds. You'd think someone would have figured out that the Sharing wasn't normal when all the signs were right there. But they hadn't.
Instead we'd been forced to rely on the aid of the Andalite Bandits.
“Thomas Steve Berenson,” the principal boomed.
Elset grinned, and my body rose from its seat and sauntered up to the podium, halting to smile at a camera before being stopped. The balding principal handed me the certificate and shook my hand before turning his attention to the next student. I heard my family cheering loudly, chanting my name.
Nice that they're so proud of something my abuser did.
No, that wasn't fair of me. They didn't know. They didn't know. Elest seized on my distress, and summoned a memory.
It was a few months after I'd been infested. My report card had just come in, and my parents and I were sitting at the kitchen table, discussing my grades.
“Wow, Tom!” my mother exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. “An A in biology? An A- in English?”
“Shaight A's across the board,” my father said, shaking his head. “Good job, kiddo. What can we do to get your brother on board with this new program?”
I'd railed and fought with all my might as Temrash excitedly suggested, “Have him join the Sharing.”
My body walked over to sit in the chairs with the other teenagers who'd already received their diplomas. Slowly we watched as my friends and classmates graduated high school. Many of them, those who weren't already infested, were free now, to go forth and do amazing things with their lives. I hadn't heard much of the speech, but our valediction had mentioned that. She'd told us all that we were in a new chapter of our lives, free to leave, stay, travel, go to college, join the military, marry, have families, have great careers, change the world. It was a nice platitude, but if the Yeerks got their way, it wouldn't be true for long. It already wasn't true for a large portion of us. I could individually pick out which of my classmates were controllers.
When everyone had received their diplomas, the principal stood up. “Congratulations to the class of 1998!” Everyone cheered.
We sang the Alma Mater- I had to listen to Elset moan about how much my singing voice sucked- and then we gathered in a circle on the field and threw our caps up into the air and cheered, clapped, hollered. Everyone's excited faces, slightly flushed from the heat. Our parents, up in the stands, engaging in thunderous applause. The lights from the field, like a spotlight glaring down on us. The rush of emotion, of freedom, of new beginnings. This was our moment. This might have been a joyous moment, under different circumstances.
If I was anything more than a rambling mind trapped inside a body controlled by a sadist.
Elset laughed inside my head, then walked off to where my friends were gathered, a little away from everyone else. Elset greeted them, and we all exchanged congratulations.
Bill, who'd moved into our school in the third grade and instantly became my best friend. Matt, whose parents ran a dog shelter and had found Homer for us. Matt's twin sister, Kate, who'd been my middle school crush and could throw a three pointer almost as well as I could. Jennifer, Kate's best friend, and the only reason I passed 8th grade English. Jonathan, who I'd once made a dare with to lick the floor of the boys bathroom. Lila, who'd been my crush for years, and who had unintentionally led me into the Sharing. Before I'd been infested, I'd had a lot of friends. I was popular, well-liked and respected. I was an extrovert, and a party animal. I loved people. But these guys were my best friends. The kind of people that were with me through thick and thin, that I could laugh and cry with. I was lucky to have them. I felt a lump forming in my throat, and I wanted to scream.
Every last one of us were Controllers.
It didn't happen all at once. Lila and Bill had been the first, and their yeerks had forced me into the Sharing. After that, between the three of us, or rather, our masters, all of our closest friends had been taken. Jennifer had “accedicalty” stumbled into a full members meeting the same way I had, after being manipulated by Elest. Jonathan had started out on the more traditional trajectory to becoming a full member, had rightly freaked out upon having his head strapped into a neck brace, and had tried to run. The Controllers had promptly shoved his head under the Kandrona regardless. Matt had gone voluntarily, in exchange for keeping Kate free. Then those heartless bastards had taken her anyway. Bill, on the other hand, had gone completely voluntarily.
As long as I lived, (hopefully not much longer), I would never forgive him.
Sometimes I saw my friends in the cages. I remembered the day only last week when I spotted Kate curled up in the corner of the cage, rocking back and forth, her whole body shaking. I'd run to her, and gently pulled her arms from where they'd been in a vice grip around her legs.
“Kate?” I'd said weakly, my voice trembling.
She'd glanced up at me, her gaze unfocused.
“They took them,” she whispered harshly, shaking.
My stomach dropped. “No,” I mumbled in disbelief. “They…they couldn't have.”
Matt and Kate's parents, their ten year old sister Chelsea… “All of them?” I muttered softly in her ear.
She nodded weakly. I pulled her against my body, feeling her tears soak softly into my shirt.
Other times I'd seen Jennifer, or Jonathan. We would hold each other until the guards came back, or sit beside each other weakly and chat idly about nothing, trying to pretend that we were free, that everything was normal.
Those minutes or hours together was the only thing that was keeping me from completely losing my mind. That and trying to keep my family free.
Gradually, I registered a body wrapping its arms tightly against my own, and my mom pulled back beaming. Elest gave her my broad, cocky grin.
“Congratulations, honey! I'm so proud!”
My dad tapped my shoulder, and Elest turned around in time for him to pull me into a huge bear hug. My father held me tightly, and I felt my body relax the slightest amount. Even now, after all the horrible abuse and torture I'd been subjected to, even something as simple as a warm embrace could comfort me. I felt a tear leak down onto my cheek.
I missed my parents.
“Are you okay, kiddo?” my dad whispered into my ear. “You looked a bit upset earlier."
I had?
Huh. I guess sometimes my true emotions did come through.
Elest pulled back a little bit. “I'm fine, Dad. I was just thinking about how much I'll miss all the people here.” He wiped the tear off my face.
My dad smiled uncertainly and hugged me again. “I get that, but you can think about that tomorrow. Enjoy the party, kiddo. This is your moment.”
He walked back a little bit to allow Jake to come in.
Jake stared at me appraisedly, staying at least two paces back. He held out his hand, and Elest shook it lightly.
“Congratulations, Tom.” he said, sounding slightly dead. It was subtle, but I noticed he had dark circles under his eyes. He must not be sleeping well.
“Oh, give your brother a hug, Jake!” My mother scolded.
Jake suddenly grabbed my arm and yanked my body close to him, throwing his arms around me forcefully.
He rocked us back and forth a little bit. I felt him breathing rapidly, and I could have sworn he was holding back sobs.
Then he pulled back as quickly as he'd grabbed me.
“Congratulations, Tom.” He said again. “I love you,” he added quietly, his gaze too intense for the situation.
“Oh, don't get all gross on me now, Midget!” Elest moaned, burying my face in my hands.
“There are people here!” He waved my hand toward my friends.
I fully expected him to retort by asking me to not call him Midget in front of everyone, but he didn't even comment on that.
Instead he just turned away and whispered something to my dad, who nodded. Then Jake walked off into the crowd.
Bill and Elest exchanged a look that clearly said That nutjob.
My aunts and uncles surrounded me, giving me hugs and congratulations and graduation gifts.
“So, Tom, what are your plans for after high school?” Aunt Ellen asked, looking at me curiously.
Trying to kill myself, I thought miserably.
<Good luck with that> Elest laughed.
“The Sharing gave me a scholarship to the community college here, so I'll go for my generals next year,” he answered instead.
I noticed my parents exchanging a look. Given my grades the past two years, I think they expected me to shoot for an Ivy League School. But of course Elest couldn't leave the city, so community college was the only real option. Not that we would actually be attending anyway.
“Where's Grandma and Grandpa?” my mouth asked suddenly. Not that Elest actually gave a damn, we both knew he was asking to keep up appearances.
“Your grandpa got held up by some last minute repairs on the cabin,” Mom said, tucking her hair behind her ear. “He said to tell you congratulations and that they love you.”
Aw that's nice, I guess.
As far as my other grandparents, no one knew where they were. They weren't Controllers, as far as I knew.
Bill tapped my shoulder. “You ready to go, dude? We need to get underway soon and report to the Visser” That last part was unspoken.
“Okay, okay.” My mom said, laughing. “Let's just get some pictures first, then you can go to the lock-in party.”
So that's what we did. The people that were once my best friends and I stood there and let our clueless parents flash cameras at us, then we stumbled over to the parking lot and piled into Bill's car, where the yeerks could finally drop their covers.
“Well, that was completely pointless,” Kate's voice complained, as she stripped off her robe and cap.
“Complete waste of time,” Elest agreed. “But did any of you even attempt to recruit new members?”
A chorus of “yeah”, and “well, I tried, but…” met my ears.
“It doesn't matter,” Jennifer's yeerk said. “We don't tell the Visser.”
I knew all of my real friends were with me too. They were as helpless, broken, and defeated as I was, or they would be with time. I… I never wanted this to happen. The yeerks had stolen everything from us. If there was one thing I was still holding onto, it's that my family was still free.
But how long would it be until I didn't have that anymore? What would I hold onto then?
My body had ended up in the passenger seat, my head turned towards the window. I watched the tall buildings and skyscrapers zoom by from out my window. There was almost a beauty to it all. I guess you look for any good moment when your life isn't yours.
Suddenly, I glimpsed a bird whip right in front of the car. Bill slammed on the brakes, cursing and sending all of us pitching forward.
“Did anyone catch what that was?” he growled.
“A peregrine falcon, I believe,” Elest 154 announced.
We all stayed silent for a second as Bill started driving again.
“We don't have to tell the Visser,” Jennifer's yeerk said again. “He'll be upset enough over the graduation.”
Everyone agreed.
My head was still turned towards the window, so I caught a glimpse of that same falcon shooting up higher into the night sky, and thought hard about that damn bird. It must be nice to be able to fly, to be able to hunt, to be able to live without worries or stress, to be able to be completely free.
I wonder what that's like.