Chapter Text
Laplace Public Forum: Cryptology
February 19th
09:15 F3lix: What’s the passcode to the cryptology lab?
09:34 Atom.09: Ask Ulrich.
09:36 F3lix: Can’t you tell me? It’s not like anyone outside us employees can see this.
09:36 Atom.09: Rules are rules man.
09:37 F3lix: Damn okay, fine.
——————
February 26th
22:24 Enigma: What’s the new password to the cryptology lab.
February 27th
08:56 Atom.09: Read up.
08:59 Enigma: He won’t tell me.
09:02 Atom.09: ?? Guess he’s doing something secret important, then.
09:03 Enigma: All he’s doing is hindering me. I’m going to get access.
09:05 Atom.09: How? I think everyone would appreciate that, actually…
10:23 Atom.09: Hello??
——————
Adler makes his way to the door- his dearest enemy for the past 2 hours besides the actual villain who controls said door- and knocks very loudly on it. The sheer force of his frustration channels into the knock, shaking the very foundation of the Foundation’s Laplace building.
“ULRICH?!”
He hears nothing for a moment, as if the person behind the door is pausing to count to 10 and seeing whether Adler will leave by the end of it. Unfortunately, he won’t, so he knocks again to break them out of their naive make-believe.
“Ulrich, open the damn door!”
He hears some shuffling and the blurry image of a figure approaching behind the frosted glass, before it opens very quickly and very forcefully. Really, if Adler were any closer, the force of the door swinging out would probably kill the man instantly.
“What is it, Adler?” says Ulrich, not bothering to hide his supreme annoyance.
Adler looks though his messy ass hair at the condescending pint of ferrofluid before him. “I need to use the lab.”
“Well,” says Ulrich, crossing his arms in a bid to appear more intimidating, “too bad. I’m using it so you’ll have to wait, Adler.”
“You’re been using it, constantly, for the past 2 weeks!”
“Well, I’m afraid that is how science works! I suppose you wouldn’t know, since you’re so used to giving up.”
Adler takes a deep breath, which he also knows pisses off Ulrich for some unknown reason, and puts his hands up in his most placating, demeaning gesture. “How about you take one half of the lab, and I can use the other?”
“No.” says Ulrich immediately, before slamming the door in Adler’s face.
——————
Laplace Public Forum: Cryptology
March 2nd
13:10 3pointPi: Hey, does anyone know what the new passcode to the cryptology lab is??
14:12 Aaalexia: No one knows, except Ulrich. If you want to use it, he’ll open it for you.
15:08 3pointPi: What? Why doesn’t he just tell the team??
17:22 Aaalexia: No one knows.
19:43 KJkay: its probably Adler
March 3rd
00:07 3pointPi: That actually explains everything.
——————
Ulrich felt good. It was a good day, in fact. No ridiculous failed experiments, no accidental fires, no disturbing confessions downloaded to his computer and most importantly, no unexpected Adler. After he changed the passcode to the lab and didn’t tell anyone in the entirety of the building the new code, he was alone at last… Doing nothing in particular besides the usual maintenance, write ups and fund management. He had finished his experiments about 9 days ago but he refused to let Adler use the lab regardless.
Why?
Well, he deserves it.
Anyway, as he was happily wasting his time and daydreaming about how irritated Adler was, he all of a sudden felt a foreboding feeling. Actually, it was more a foreboding sound. Which was in fact, the sound of someone trying to open the door. Didn’t everyone understand by now that if a door is locked, it means you are being told not to go in?
No matter, it was probably some random person who hadn’t yet gotten the message that the passcode had been changed and will soon give up and go away.
So Ulrich continued to do fuck all as he pretended to read a report when he was actually just listening out for when the sound would stop.
But of course, just like that foreboding feeling, it didn’t stop. It continued for the next few minutes, and just when Ulrich considered getting up and telling this dense idiot to stop trying to come in because it’s locked for a reason, the click of the door resounds, announcing the arrival of both the only and last person Ulrich wanted to see: Adler.
The nuisance immediately opened the door and pointed his finger at the flipping out living gum ball machine and smirked with that dastardly frustrated yet self-satisfied smile of his.
“It’s my turn to use the lab now, Ulrich.”
Ulrich recovers and immediately walks up to Adler and tries to block his view of the room with his transparent head as if that would make him believe it no longer exists and cause him to leave. “Adler. Didn’t I tell you before? I’m using it. You can wait your turn.”
Adler sighs, opens his mouth like a very-much-alive fish, for every dead fish on the market tended to have their mouths be closed, before choosing not to say anything and simply deciding to walk around Ulrich.
“What do you think you’re doing?!”
“My job?”
“Can’t you do your job without impeding on mine?”
Adler looks around the room filled with no apparatus or data sheets and turns back to Ulrich with a remarkably judgemental blink. “What are you doing? I don’t see why I can’t work here.”
“None of your business.”
“Alright, well, what I’m going to do is none of your business, so you- get out.” says Adler, before neatly and carefully gathering all of Ulrich’s piles of work- so like two A4 sheets of paper and his pen- and dumping it in his arms before shoving Ulrich out of the room and locking the door.
Ulrich reboots for a moment and then swears to unleash a revenge so vengeful on Adler that he would wish he never even thought about carrying out an experiment in a shared space before realising that he is the only person in the building who knows the code and can just reenter the room.
Ulrich reenters the room.
“I’m using this room, whether you like it or not..!” he sneers.
Adler hadn’t even put his notes down, the inefficient buffoon, before slightly turning his head to Ulrich as if he was an unimportant but highly annoying fly that needed to be acknowledged purely for the reason of being looked down upon.
He sighs, before turning around fully.
“Okay, what do I need to do to get you to let me use the lab?”
Ulrich’s ferrofluid makes all sorts of shapes that represent his racing mind, for that is an extremely lucrative opportunity.
Really, what should he choose? Fix the power outlet that’s been broken for 3 months; iron your goddamn clothes; get me a coffee right now; sort out my folders; kiss me; help me decrypt an annoying case- frankly, the possibilities were endless.
But actually, Ulrich knew just what to say.
“Never show your face here ever again.”
——————
Mr. Adler Hofmann
Senior Advisor of the Information Security Division of Laplace Scientific Computing Center
Written warning
Dear Mr Hofmann,
At Laplace, we recognise the importance of maintaining a consistent and experienced workforce, maintaining workplace standards, and retaining our people wherever possible. Laplace wants to retain you as a team member. However, some reports about your behaviour at work have been sent to us.
On February 12th, 13th, 15th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 26th, 27th, 28th and 29th, March 1st, and March 2nd, we received a complaint for your behaviour. Specifically, it was reported that you were repeatedly interrupting the work of others and infringing on their personal space.
This warning will not be added to your employment record because we believe that these reports were unfair and character assassination. We will be speaking with the person who has made these reports and will be reminding them on the importance of professionalism in the workplace. This is a necessary letter so that we fulfil guideline requirements.
Thank you for your understanding and please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Director Lucy
March 4th, 19XX
——————
Adler knew Ulrich’s schedule like the colours of the rainbow- it’s really simple and he could not fathom how people were confused by it. Seriously, Ulrich’s schedule was really rather reliable.
For one, he didn’t sleep, or if he did, it was for so little time Adler never saw him do it. Additionally, Ulrich basically never left the Laplace building, except for some freak times where the Timekeeper kidnapped him and Lucy to do whatever she needed them to do. So that meant you could always find Ulrich somewhere in Laplace. That’s about 98% of the job done!
And to be more specific about that 98%, every 8am and 12pm, Ulrich would get coffee. Adler also never saw Ulrich drinking it, but it was always somehow gone the next time he looked. Anyway, literally every other time Adler went to look for him, he was around the cryptology department, working. To be fair, it wasn’t just one room, but it maybe took around 10 minutes max to walk around all of them and see whether an enthusiastic glass bowl on an astronaut suit was there. And if he wasn’t there, he was in Adler’s office, bothering him/shouting at him.
Considering they did all they could to avoid each other, Adler always knew where he was because he always appeared before him. Always. Even when going to the bathroom, which Ulrich (probably?) did not need to use, he would somehow run into him there. So if ‘CRYPTOLOGY DEPARTMENT’ failed to house the mysterious Ulrich, then ‘ADLER HOFMANN’S LOCATION’ would guarantee it.
Now, Adler’s location changed a bit more than Ulrich’s, but that wasn’t important, because it’s easy for Adler to remember Ulrich’s location. So, what’s the problem? Adler doesn’t think there’s any.
Anyway, Adler knew where the hell Ulrich was at this moment: not with him and not in the cryptology lab because Lucy needed him to explain why he submitted 13 performance/behaviour reports about Adler in the past month.
So Adler walks up to the door and inputs his hard-earned cracked code, only to find that it’s been changed, again. He swears under his breath, wishes Ulrich a cold cup of coffee and more random errors in his experiments than usual, before hunkering down on the floor of the hallway like a fervent rat and begins to crack the new code.
It’s been 12 minutes, and Adler has finally cracked it after wracking his brain for an offhanded remark Ulrich said on the twenty-first of September two years ago about an encryption method he thought was much more sophisticated than Adler’s office space.
He opens the door with the franticness of a man drowning before slamming it shut and immediately getting to work on making a more complicated, time consuming passcode for the lab before he unsuspiciously leaves the room, completely forgetting that he could have done his experiments in this time.
As he’s leaving to go back to his office, he runs into the cause of his time-wasting.
“Ulrich-“
“Do not talk to me, Adler. Didn’t I tell you to never show your face here again?” says Ulrich impatiently as he waits patiently for Adler to respond.
Adler blinks like he’s waking up. “That was the stupidest request I ever heard. I think you forget the fact that I work here and that we are, you know…” he says, rubbing his neck.
Ulrich crosses his arms and scoffs. “You asked me for my request, and that was my request. It’s simple, really.”
“Well my request was to use the lab, which would not be possible if I were to never show up again. Therefore, your request lacks logic and would be impossible.”
“You again with your ‘logic’. Then, your request is fundamentally flawed.”
Adler wonders why he puts up with Ulrich. It’s time to pull out the big guns. “I’m sure Lucy would agree with me.”
Ulrich shakes with rage, the shimmering goop in his head going cray cray as he processes Adler’s words. “Are you appealing to authority, Adler?” he says, “You can’t even stand upon your own two feet in a debate. Pathetic.”
“Well!” says Adler, quickly losing all sense of logical argumentation as was typical when talking to Ulrich, “You can’t even stand without a glass bowl supporting you!”
Ulrich looks as usual to the average pleb, but to Adler, he sees that he has kissed goodbye to a day without violence.
“You close-minded, pompous and idiotic fool..!” he whisper-screams menacingly, as he encroaches upon Adler’s personal space, “Did you know that humans also cannot stand without legs?!"
Adler attempts to hit a desk for effect before realising there are no desks in a corridor. “Humans come with legs; ferrofluid does not!”
“If we are talking about the inherent abilities of our make-up, then can you lose yourself down a drain?”
“…” Adler thinks very hard. “-Yes!”
“What?”
“If it’s a very large drain, then of course!”
Ulrich’s goop shimmies judgementally. “That is a ridiculous scenario- okay, fine, can you fit down an average sized drain? I think not!”
Damn it, he was right. But then again- “Who cares?”
“Excuse me?” Ulrich snarls with his sexy smooth voice.
Adler flicks his hair out of his eyes for the 56th time that hour. “I didn’t ask about dissolving into a drain, I was just saying that you can’t stand.”
“And you can’t win a debate without Lucy!”
“But your request to never see my face lacks logic.”
“What’s illogical about that? You asked for my request so there it is.”
“However, that is with the precondition of letting me use the lab, where you would have to see my face!”
“Then I’LL leave the lab, Adler! How about that?!” says Ulrich with his hands spread wide like Mr Beast.
“NO! What are you saying?!” shouts Adler, an offended expression on his face, “That is the exact kind of senseless thing you’d say!”
“Then I shall not leave the lab, and you may suffer.” says Ulrich smugly.
Adler opens his mouth to reply, before realising that Ulrich’s fate has already been sealed. “Let’s see whether you can get there, Ulrich.”
Ulrich’s stance changes to suspicious pondering at those dangerous words, mulling over the true meaning behind them. Then, he realises.
“Did you change the passcode, Adler?!”
The human shrugs cooly and tries to leave cooly, but Ulrich is not having it and bodily drags him back to the lab with him. Adler tries to escape but eventually gives up and settles on trying to avoid the stares of people watching the Senior Advisor of the Information Security Division of Laplace Scientific Computing Center being dragged by the Head of Cryptology like a plushie on a lead being led by a child. Little did he know that all Laplace employees simply weren’t that surprised anymore upon seeing these sorts of scenes between the two.
Anyway, Adler is unceremoniously dropped as Ulrich reaches the lab door and begins to mess around with it.
“What’s the password?” he says as he fiddles with the lock as if he would, by chance, figure it out.
Adler stands with effort. “Why do you think I would tell you?”
Ulrich shakes his head. “Unhelpful as always.”
Adler stands there with Ulrich for another 15 minutes before getting bored and leaving the angered Ulrich muttering under his breath, furiously scribbling down calculations on the back of his reports as he decrypts the code.
——————
Ulrich
Head of Cryptology
Written warning
Dear Mr Ulrich,
At Laplace, we recognise the importance of maintaining a consistent and experienced workforce, maintaining workplace standards, and retaining our people wherever possible. However, some changes to your behaviour at work are needed to ensure your continued employment.
Specifically, numerous, excessive reports on other members of staff from February 12th to March 2nd. I believe that the complaints are not appropriate for the workplace and are a dishonest representation of the subject. This written warning marks an opportunity for you to correct your behaviour.
This warning will not be added to your employment record yet as I believe that you are not being genuinely malicious towards the other member of staff. However, these repeated and unjustified reports take up valuable time; please reconsider the necessity of the complaints you send in future.
Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Director Lucy
March 4th, 19XX
——————
Ulrich is unsurprised but still disappointed to see Adler, once again, unlock the door of the lab and waltz in with his stuff as if he’s actually going to work and not just bother Ulrich with his existence.
He was definitely surprised, however, to see him wearing a balaclava and sunglasses. His usual messy hair was now squashed underneath the mask and poking out of the holes, the sunglasses were obviously old as shit and scratched heavily, hiding his depressed-ass eyes. Ulrich could not have been more disgusted.
“What the hell are you wearing?” he says with as much contempt as he can, but it fails to mask his sheer confusion at that man’s antics.
“I’m not showing my face in this lab.” he says smoothly with the usual gloom, like he’s been waiting to say that all day.
Ulrich would put his hands on his head but that would dirty the glass. He instead sits there and stares.
“You look like a criminal.”
Adler shrugs and Ulrich wants to punch him. “This is the consequence of your own actions.”
Then, like enlightenment, Ulrich momentarily gets over his irrational need to argue with Adler, and for once, realises that the best option is to not deign that terrifically ludicrous statement with an answer.
He nods slightly before silently turning back to what he was doing and avoiding the absolutely flabbergasted face of Adler as he is ignored.
Adler stands there, frozen, for 3 minutes or so- it’s honestly both the most uncomfortable and rewarding situation that Ulrich has ever been in- before finally breaking out of his stupor. He walks over and swivels Ulrich’s chair around so they can face each other like real men.
Now, Ulrich was really not the sort of person to laugh easily. The most you could usually get from him was a sarcastic puff of laughter or polite and fake-as-fuck chuckle. Adler was perhaps the only person who could derive an actual laugh out of him (at his own expense), but it was still rather rare.
And this was one of the rarest moments of them all, because it was not a laugh that came out of Ulrich, no… it was a giggle.
He couldn’t help it; his field of view was Adler, his greatest and dearest enemy and etcetera wearing an abhorrently ridiculous get-up frowning down at him.
Adler, even through the mask, is obviously taken aback before deciding that he’d rather start an argument. “Why are you… giggling?”
Ulrich takes a few moments to take in the view and compose himself. “Hah, Adler, you look so goddamn stupid I can’t even be bothered to argue with you.”
As Adler thinks of something witty to reply with Ulrich pulls off his sunglasses and chuckles harder upon seeing his eyes full of defeat.
“Stop laughing.”
Ulrich does not stop laughing and Adler finally takes that awful mask off.
“There, back to normal, where my face makes you angry instead.” says Adler with probably too much pride.
Ulrich gets over his moment of madness where he felt joy and shakes his head. “But seeing your face makes my day, Adler.”
“Shut the fuck up.” says Adler, before storming out.
——————
Adler has had enough of this ridiculous lab debacle and decides to see his experiments be finished once and for all.
He wakes up and does all the morning stuff, heads straight to the coffee machine then straight to the lab. He crouches down and spends 48 minutes figuring out the code. He realises the coffee is cold and gets another one. He returns, enters, slams the door and sits at the desk farthest from where Ulrich is after giving him the coffee.
As he’s setting up his equipment and filling in his risk assessment, Ulrich looks up from what he’s doing and crosses his arms, his ferrofluidy form twisting into a perfectly shaped question mark.
“Good morning, Adler. I see you’re impeding once again. What are you doing?”
Adler struggles to use a ruler and doesn’t look up. “I am finally carrying out my experiment, no thanks to you.”
Ulrich shakes his head and scoffs. “Right. Well, it’s not my fault you can’t carry them out in literally any other lab in the building.”
“Yes, you’re right.” grumbles Adler, “And so why couldn’t you move instead?”
Ulrich leans forward across his desk. The threat factor is lessened by the fact he’s 6 meters or so away. “Because this one is mine.”
Adler raises an eyebrow. It is unconfirmed whether Ulrich saw it through his thick and disheveled hair. “Just because you’re the head it doesn’t mean you’re the owner.”
“I am the only one with access. I control who enters.”
Adler squints at the brainless man and Ulrich definitely saw this one. “This is my lab too, then.”
“No.” Ulrich says, waving his hand dismissively like Adler is a particularly stupid child.
“Again with this ‘no’ business.” groans Adler, as he fails to figure out how wires work, “I just don’t see how this lab is not also mine if making it yours means being able to control the code and who enters. If anything, neither of us can control who enters because I keep breaking in when you’re using it and you-“
Ulrich moves over to Adler’s desk and looks at his stuff “That red wire connects to the red port.”
“-oh, thanks- and you break into it when I’m using it, so really-“
“Wait that’s the wrong way around. Give it to me.”
“-alright, danke- really none of us own it and we should just say that we both own it.”
“What a preposterous proposition.” says Ulrich with all the conviction of the flimsy wire he holds in his hand. “Alright, there, see if that works.”
“It’s not preposterous; it makes sense. I know you hate the word, but it’s logical. And yes it does. Thanks.”
“No problem. Anyway, shut up, I need to concentrate.” says Ulrich before returning to his desk.
“Fine, whatever, just know that this isn’t over.”
And so, it was indeed never over. They never figured out who the heck owned the rights to the lab, for Adler’s logic was too strong yet Ulrich’s stubbornness was no laughing matter. It was actually Laplace’s, but that didn’t matter because no one in the building could figure out how to get in.
That was until the rest of the cryptology team really did need to use it and they had to get security to break the door open. Inside, they saw something unforgettable… and what was it?
Adler and Ulrich actually working peacefully alongside one another.
It stopped as soon as they entered, but it was still something.