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Hugo was never really one for relationships.
Sure, he had a fling every now and then, but never actually built a real, deep-set emotional connection with them. Meet, do the business, leave.
It was like that for most of his affairs; sexually, and also in his work as a thief. He never “stayed” around for people.
So, why should this certain adorable freckled alchemist change that? He shouldn’t, after all. After Donella’s orders, the one phrase always repeating in the back of his head:
“Don’t get attached.”
He knows that by now. He fully understands. But, sometimes, it’s just so hard to stay away from him.
Though, it’s also pretty easy. Kid could be hella annoying if he put his heart into it.
They were travel partners. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But, sometimes, he found himself slipping up.
One time in particular, the star-speckled night sky and the dim light casting an ethereal glow onto Varian’s face…
He almost looked comparable to the moon. Hugo felt a bit entranced. He supposed the quietness, calmness, and just softness in general of the night forced it out of him.
He had accidentally called Varian his “friend”.
Which, obviously, wouldn’t be a problem for the average person, but, hey, we’re talking about Hugo here. He’s anything but “average”.
The smile that spread across Varian’s face after those words slipped out of his mouth made it worth it. He decided not to try to take them back, as it would ruin the moment.
Why did Hugo care about that, anyway? He’s gonna have betrayed Varian and the entire rest of the group by the end of the month.
…Which, was, a very scary thought.
He even found himself crying about his situation one night. Which was very unnerving.
Why did he care so much?
…Well, there is a little piece of information he forgot to mention.
Him and Hugo did have a… little thing, together.
It rarely ever happened. It didn’t get brought up in conversation.
Sometimes, they would get a little too heated up when they fought, and it led to… other things.
As he’s said, this is a normal occurrence for Hugo. It was just a little hookup every now and then, no feelings attached.
Until today.
Hugo was on the floor in Varian’s tent, said boy above, straddling him. Currently mid-kiss.
…
No, no, this wasn’t right.
He couldn’t lead on Varian any longer.
He had to tell the truth. Right now.
“Mmh- uh, Varian-“ Get it together, idiot.
Varian pulled away and looked down at him. “Yeah?”
…Shit.
He couldn’t do it. It’s too risky.
“I, uh… have to go use the restroom.”
Varian’s cheeks flushed a soft pink. “Oh, uh, sorry. Go ahead.” He climbed off of Hugo, and sat down on his bed.
Hugo quickly got up and ran outside.
Fuck, man. This was his only chance.
Okay, well, maybe it wasn’t. There were still a couple weeks left until they arrive in Ingvarr.
But, that was the closest he had gotten to telling Varian, and he fumbled insanely hard.
Coward. Such a fucking coward, Hugo.
Why did he think to get attached? Why did he start this thing with Varian? Questions he couldn’t answer.
It’s enough he’s going to have to betray Varian as a friend, but to have a romantic relationship to give up on, too? With the boy he’s been pining for, for the last… year?
No. God, just kill him now.
There’s a cliff over in the distance. He’s seriously considering ending it all now, so no one has to go through the pain that he’s been forced to put them through.
Not like anyone would care if he died, anyway.
Nuru still hates him (presumably, he hasn’t really ever talked to her one-on-one),
Yong only likes him because he’s still young and naive (that may be bad to say, but Hugo figured that Yong was the most oblivious of them all),
Donella would hardly care. She’d be mad Hugo failed her mission, and would find a new young, impressionable kid to work under her against their will. Or, maybe, that was just him. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He didn’t want to go through with this plan. Sadly, it’s too late to back out now. She would have his head cut off if he even thought about disobeying her.
Cyrus probably wouldn’t care, either. He’d go with whatever Donella did.
Varian. Would he care, after all they’ve been through together? Nope. Certainly not. He’s still aware that Hugo is not trustworthy in any way and will probably be happy Hugo’s not in his way of completing the Trials anymore. That’s all he was, anyway.
A thief. A trickster. An obstacle in the road.
A burden. An annoying, lying, conniving, egotistical dumbass who can’t man up enough to just tell his friends about what’s going on.
…But, did Varian really want him dead?
He didn’t know.
He doesn’t know anything. It’s too much. Too many thoughts swirling around his head.
Betrayal, guilt, love… love… for Varian.
…Fuck, he was in love with Varian.
Don’t let him near any guns, because he will not hesitate to shoot and kill himself.
Hugo ran all the way into the forest, breathing heavily.
He felt like puking. And so, he fell to his knees and did exactly that.
“I hate this… I hate me- why does this have to happen-“
He could feel the beginnings of a panic attack forming.
He sat back on the ground, pulled his knees to his chest, and broke.
Raw, unfiltered sobs shook his entire body. It felt like all the emotions he’s been repressing are all scrambling to get away from a fire, his eyes being used as an exit.
He’s finally getting that release that he both needed oh-so-badly and dreaded heavily. At one point, he couldn’t even see because of how hard he was crying. His glasses were fogged up. He had never cried this hard about anything in his life, since he was a little child on the streets during the winter.
He felt so helpless. Varian was probably getting worried by now. Pissing doesn’t take that long. He didn’t want Varian to come out searching for him.
After a bit more thinking, he decided that if any members of the group were to find him like this, he’d prefer it be Varian.
That doesn’t mean anything, right?
He’s resorted to trying to convince himself that he doesn’t feel anything. That nothing is wrong. Like he’s not terribly in love with the man he’s forced to betray.
There must be some way out of this, right? Some secret loophole that Hugo hasn’t thought of yet?
…There’s no use. He might as well accept his fate. He’s going to have to betray this group he has unwillingly grown so close with, and inevitably go on to do another mission as if he didn’t just break three pure, trusting hearts. Two of them being literal fucking children.
The other one… the one heart that matters the most. The one who he-
Footsteps.
Well, fuck him senseless. Someone’s coming. He felt like laughing. Are you kidding? He’s going to be seen in this state?
“Hugo…?”
Hugo could recognize the voice as soon as the first syllable of his name came out of his mouth.
Best case scenario: it’s Varian coming to comfort him.
Worst case scenario: the world is fucking with him by giving him some weird-ass illusion version of Varian. Highly unlikely, but, there’s still a chance.
He decided to not acknowledge the noise, still keeping his face pressed into his legs, which made his glasses push uncomfortably into his face, but he could give less of a shit at this moment.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, and flinched instinctively. He could tell Varian retracted his hand, going off of the loss of warmth. Hugo would apologize, but what he really wants is an apology from the world for leaving him with this outcome.
“Hugo, are you… okay?”
What a fucking stupid question. He decided to express his annoyance for this comment.
“I don’t know, does it look like it?” Hugo spits at him, not quite at yelling volume, but a little less. He made the terrible mistake of turning his head towards Varian, who looks taken aback by the sight.
Figures. No one had ever seen Hugo cry before. He didn’t intend for it.
Varian raises his arms in surrender. “Okay, um, sorry…” His eyes softened. “…Do you, uh, want to talk about what’s going on?”
No. No, he did not. Absolutely the fuck not. So, he did what he does best. Fuck things up.
“No. Hell no. Why would I talk to you, of all people? It’s not like you care.”
He could see Varian’s mouth open in protest, but Hugo didn’t let him say anything. “And don’t try to say you do. You don’t. You don’t even like me. And, if you think you do, you’re terribly mistaken. I’ve done so, so many bad things in the past, and I will continue to do them in the future- you shouldn’t trust me now-“
Brave of himself to admit that. “-and yet you do. Why? Why do you still put up with me? For all you know, I could still be planning to betray you. I don’t need your sympathy, or your comfort, because I know it isn’t real. You can’t convince me that it is. So- just- leave me alone.”
Varian blinked, taking it all in, then his expression shifted to something closer to… hurt.
“If you really believe so. I respect you and your privacy, so if you really want me to leave, I won’t pry.” Hugo greatly appreciated the sentiment, but, of course, wouldn’t admit that.
“…If you ever change your mind, and decide that you do actually want to talk, or- or just have my company… you know where to find me.”
Varian stood up, dusted himself off, and started to walk back towards the camp.
Hugo had this sudden urge to call him back and tell him everything.
The plan, the betrayal, maybe even declare his love… but, the cold, uncaring side of him decided:
No Way In Hell™ would he ever do that. He knew he was messing this up, big time, and the situation would become unsalvageable if he didn’t just get over it. He wiped his face, stood up, and looked at the sky…
It looked nearly the exact same as it did on the night that everything started.
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I smiled softly. This weird… tingly feeling overcame me for a second, and so, I let something slip…
“You know, I think I’m actually starting to see you as a friend, Varian.”
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The beginning of the end.