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It wasn’t the worst night of sleep she’d had. Positively wonderful compared to just a few years ago.
There’d been no screaming tearing her throat to shreds, no retching on the floor while her stomach contracted around nothing. No horrid moments of perfect clarity illuminating her broken self, no need to stand on the edge all poised to leap off. Nothing frightful in the bed beside her, no flashbulb strobing brilliance of things she could, or would, do.
Just her mind a swirl of invented conversations, whole cloth fabrication that was as close to real as real could come. Telling Mio about something personal, something deep, listening back as Mio shoved her away. Like being awake was being asleep, memories of motions and movement that ranged far and wide. All of it so strong that it hurt her just to make sure they hadn’t happened.
Again, it wasn’t the worst. Just bad, and the sense of what had happened inside her head-
Zoe shot into active motion with a diagonal stretch across the bed, her hand poised over the cellphone on her bedside table. Afraid to look at it, to confirm; horrified that she might find out that the things she remembered were real.
Mio was still dozing quietly beside her. Serene with her hair spread out in a halo of darkness lit only by a dull light fumbling from the bathroom. Beautiful, peaceful. That made sense, had to. Mio wasn’t angry at her, wasn’t so frustrated that she’d gone off to sleep on the couch.
Good.
Good.
Zoe finally reached out to snap up her phone, hitting the wake button as her eyes scanned the notification icons.
Some texts, a few emails. Battery just below fifty percent.
Adrenaline shot through her. Unstoppable, irrational. Her heartbeat spiked to dangerous territory and it took all her willpower not to just start screaming. She’d been texting, or thought that she had. Thought she’d been lying on the opposite side of the bed too, talking with Mio late into the night.
These notifications were real, she wasn’t in the depth of a hallucination. Her sanity might be frayed, as thin as a skein of new ice, but these were real.
“Mio,” she said, voice wavering as she turned to face her lover. “Mio, please, Mio, wake up.”
Zoe laid a hand on Mio’s shoulder and shook until she was blinking up at her, face scrunched in confusion and sudden worry.
“Zee? Hey, what time is it?” Mio whispered. “What’s wrong?”
Oh.
Of course she was still sleepy. It was still dark out, Zoe realised. She couldn’t look at her phone to check the time, even though it would just take half a glance. Big, blocky lettering. But she’d have to see the notifications again, and that was bad. No clock in the room, but darkness meant before six, meant that she should’ve just gone right the fuck back to sleep.
She’d woken Mio up for nothing and now she wouldn’t be able to return to sleep and she had to go driving today, had to drop off their copies of the next manuscript in person and she needed her rest and Zoe had gone and fucked that right up with her broken mind and why couldn’t she just be normal like everyone else why was she so goddamned scared of looking at her text messages it wasn’t as if they’d bite her it was just a phone and she should’ve been past this by now the medications she was taking were supposed to help her supposed to fix this fix her and she was just a waste of air a waste of space a drain on Mio and freaking out over having done something that may or may not’ve even been real-
“Hey there, hey,” Mio’s fingers reached out to grace her cheeks and pulled Zoe down, down, close and closed off to where she couldn’t see a thing, not even inside her own mind. Just lying atop Mio’s chest as her breath hitched tight, voice locked up behind a nail inside her throat. “You’re safe, Zoe. You’re warm. You’re here. I’m here. Okay? Just breathe for me, Zoe. Just breathe, in and out.”
In and out were directions and she couldn’t tell directions now, not yet. But those were also feelings and she could do that, follow that. Inwards was in-between and in was air and in was the burn of her lungs opening up as she hauled it back, as it clawed down into her chest at the back of her throat like she was drowning. Out was a huff of air, a pulse, a race, a speedy exit of dry wind that parched her lips and left lightning on her tongue.
In again and faltering now, her tears staining Mio’s pretty shirt and Zoe knew how much her partner loved that shirt, it was their shirt, the one she’d worn when they’d first met, the one she’d almost gotten rid of, out, out, out, breath goes OUT-
Again.
Still.
Moving.
Again.
Still.
Moving.
Again.
Still.
Moving.
Steady.
“Good girl, you’ve got this, Zoe,” Mio whispered against her forehead, breath skittering on overheated skin like a cooling breeze. Just a kiss, soft, kindness in the very sense of it. “You can do it, you’re safe now. I’m alright, baby. We’re alright. In, out.”
Zoe shuddered as her muscles burned, unclenching slow and steady, precision in each release. She could do this, she could. Mio believed in her, and Zoe believed in Mio. In, out. Calming.
“I’m so sorry,” Zoe whispered, sniffling. “I just, I needed you to look at my phone, but it’s too early-”
“It’s not, love. Any time you need me, I told you that, right? Any time. I’ll look, if you want.”
Zoe nodded, her words spent and gone. She pulled backwards just enough to slip the phone into Mio’s warm hand, fingernails tapping erratically as she did so. Her eyes zeroed in as the screen came to life, then swapped to staring at the illuminated triangle on Mio’s chest, focused on that above all else.
“Got a reminder that your auto-pay went through for the phone plan, and an email advert for some sushi place. It’s okay, Zoe. Nothing else.”
Zoe nodded once more and let out a strangled whine, unable to ask Mio to check the rest. But her partner knew her inside and out, was already flipping through to the relevant screens.
“There’s nothing, Zoe. You’re alright. Whatever it was, it didn’t happen, okay?”
Fuck.
She could live with that. Would have to. She could trust Mio not to lie to her, she could. Mio wouldn’t, wouldn’t ever, made it clear each and every day that they were together because sometimes it was just so fucking hard to believe it.
“Can you check? Again? Just, just the once more. Please. And do you remember if we, uh, did we talk? About anything bad?”
Just to make sure, just to be safe.
“Nope,” Mio said as she thumbed through Zoe’s phone again, holding it just so that she could see the edge of the screen. “You managed to evade yet another retelling of Evangelion by passing out. Snored a lot ‘til I fell asleep.”
“Shut up,” Zoe said, her chest feeling lighter for the first time since she’d woken up. She pushed heavily on Mio’s shoulder, tried to wriggle her way closer as her partner put the phone down. “I don’t snore.”
“Yeah, you do,” Mio laughed, her voice airy and bright. “So fucking much, you dork. You go ‘Snork-mimimimi’ like some fucking cartoon character.”
“I’m going to smother you in your sleep.”
“No, you won’t. Who’d make you French toast?”
“I’d make it myself.”
“You hate touching soggy bread.”
“You really think this threat’ll work?”
“I know it would,” Mio answered as she pulled Zoe in close, tucking her head beneath her chin so Zoe could listen to her heartbeat. “You’re feral for it. Maybe, in an hour or two, I’ll even make you some.”
“You’re too good to me,” Zoe said softly as she settled in place. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes, you do, love. You deserve all the care and affection in the world. All of me, for all of you.”
“And French toast.”
“Yeah,” Mio laughed as she kissed Zoe’s hair. “Even that.”