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The first time Sae had met Shidou Ryuusei, it had been three months ago, when a fight broke out. Normally, Sae would either ignore it or intervene himself if he deemed it necessary, but things were looking bad and he wasn’t much up to fight after he’d hurt his leg earlier that week. He narrowed his eyes and pulled out his phone, quickly dialing a number.
“Uh— yeah, there’s a student getting beat up behind the southeastern school building,” Sae began, wincing as his leg began to act up. He leaned himself up against the wall of the building, trying to take some weight off the injury. “Do I really have to wait— Fine, just hurry up—”
He glanced at the scene again with a grimace. Things were looking bad… His first bodily reaction was to try to get a better look, but a hand pressed up against his chest. He startled, immediately thrown off — most people didn’t touch him much, considering his reputation, and he wasn’t much of a fan of touch in general. His eyes snapped up to find a boy with wild blond hair that was dipped in pink at the ends. The stranger wore his uniform all sorts of unruly, and his eyes (an exact color match to the tips of his hair) were framed with a shape of eyeliner that made him appear almost draconic.
“Hey, lashes,” he said, looking down at Sae. “I’mma break ‘em up. Hold this for me?”
“What—” Before Sae could even get a full question out, he found a broom pushed into his chest. “Hey, wait, who—”
The man shoved past him without bothering to answer his question, rushing head-first into the fight.
It wasn’t hard to begin to look up to that upperclassman, after that day, not that Sae would ever admit it. He’d take that to his grave.
“Iiiiiitooooooshiiiii Saeeeeee, mornin’~!”
Sae grit his teeth as an arm made its way around his shoulders. He didn’t even have to look up to know who it belonged to — only one person did that, and it had become a daily occurrence. He sighed, his eyes closing in what he hoped looked like nothing but absolute frustration. (He was generally good at keeping his emotions off his face, but it was a bit harder when Shidou decided to get touchy like that.)
“Shidou-senpai…” Sae said, his hand going to knock away Shidou’s grip. He was hoping that Shidou wouldn’t notice how his bag was weighed down by the manga he had bought that morning. Yaoi, every single one of them. He may have lost soccer after his injury three months ago, but he wasn’t losing his reputation to his reading habits being found out as well.
“You lookin’ as cute as ever, Sae-chan,” Shidou teased, flashing a sharp-toothed grin at Sae.
Sae grit his teeth, narrowing his eyes. “I believe I already told you to stop calling me cute.”
“Adorable, then,” Shidou corrected.
“Changing to a synonym doesn’t… God, never mind…” Sae sighed, shaking his head.
Ever since that day, Sae had been stuck wondering how this had ever happened. Shidou seemed like an entirely different person when they first met — cool, nonchalant, tough — but he was quickly learning that his entire being was… loud, to say the least. Such a fucking nuisance.
(Yet, he never told Shidou to go away, some of his group would point out. He would glare in response and the line of inquiry would usually cease from there.)
“Sae-chaaaaan~!”
Sae didn’t even have the chance to look over his shoulder if he wanted to before a larger body wrapped around him. He let out a small grunt, grimacing at the sudden weight up against him. “Fu—”
“Mornin’!” Shidou greeted brightly, his arms tightening around Sae’s shoulders. “You lookin’ pretty, as always!”
Sae scoffed and bumped his elbow into Shidou’s jaw, making him get off. “Cut it out. Or I’ll…” He hesitated for a moment, not knowing what he could threaten. He wasn’t exactly physically well enough to threaten violence anymore with his bad leg, and Shidou never responded too negatively to that sort of thing anyways. “…draw a doujinshi of you,” he said, the words popping out of his mouth before he could consider they were a bad idea. He grimaced immediately. Why the fuck would you say that, Sae?
“Dunno what that is!” Shidou said happily, rendering Sae’s embarrassing threat (likely for better) completely useless. “If ya drawin’ me, though, you gonna make me look hot?”
Sae’s eye twitched. “I— Don’t say that,” he muttered, heat rushing to his cheeks without his permission. “Idiot.”
Shidou grinned widely, leaning on the shoe cubby next to Sae’s. “Aw, is Sae-chan shy?”
“Quit calling me that, Shidou-senpai,” Sae hissed at the second-year. Though it was tempting to drop the honorific to be disrespectful, he figured that the distance that formality provided was worth the politeness. Not that said distance seemed to be understood very well by Shidou.
“Sorry, Sae-chan!”
“Are you actually stupid, you demon?” Sae asked bluntly.
Shidou’s smile never faltered, utterly unashamed. “That what people say, so maybe!”
Sae opened his mouth and closed it, finding himself unable to argue against that response. He just sighed and shook his head, turning to make his way to class.
“Itoshi Sae here?” Shidou called into the classroom. He seemed to magically materialize just as Sae finished packing his bag, a bit behind everyone else per usual.
“Do you need something?” Sae asked with a small frown, unsure why Shidou had chased him down to his classroom. Usually, his upperclassman would wait by his shoe locker to pester him. (Sae knew that Shidou could get out much quicker without waiting for him to limp over there and he doubted he’d ever be quite sure why Shidou would take the time to wait.) “Or are you here proudly to pester me, fucking Devil?”
“Wanted to ask ya somethin’,” Shidou said, deciding to sit up on Sae’s desk.
“That isn’t a chair.”
Shidou ignored the interruption entirely. “‘Bout what ya said this mornin’. Ya said somethin’ ‘bout doujinshi, was wonderin’ what it meant. Asked ‘round an—”
Sae felt embarrassment settle in his stomach. There wasn’t much that could fluster him, but mentions of his secret hobby were firmly in that category. He kept his face as vacant as possible, not giving anything away. “Don’t ask around about that sort of thing… and don’t worry about it.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and began on his way out of the room. Shidou quickly pushed himself off his desk and followed.
“What ‘bout those other things ya say sometimes? Like, uh, seme? Uke? Moe?” Shidou began listing off, only increasing Sae’s mortification.
“Just shut up,” Sae hissed, increasing his pace of his hobble. Shidou snickered and easily matched his gait, his shoulders ever so slightly slouched so that their size difference was less pronounced.
“Cute,” Shidou said.
“Stop calling me that,” Sae told Shidou for the umpteenth time, only earning him a noncommittal shrug. Insect.
Shidou leaned up against the lockers as Sae began trading in his indoor shoes for his outdoor pair, tilting his head. “Oh, are they from manga, maybe? Manga got all sorts of weird words.”
Sae paused, his hand hovering inside his locker. He considered his options before nodding. “Yes, manga,” he agreed half-heartedly. That was a broad category. It wasn’t too embarrassing to say aloud. “Will you leave me alone now, Shidou-senpai?”
Shidou didn’t seem inclined to leave the first year’s side, however. “You got any rec’s?”
“Recommendations…” Sae hesitated. Though most of what he read was yaoi, he did have some shounen titles that he was familiar with that he could recommend. “What do you usually read?”
“My big sis’s friend gave me a shoujo that was kinda nice… would rather see what Sae-chan reads, though,” Shidou replied with a warm grin. Sae’s chest did a weird sort of flip that he didn’t quite understand. It reminded him of some of the scenes in his manga, when an uke first began falling for the seme and—
Sae grit his teeth and grabbed the shopping bag containing a single volume from his locker. He shoved it into Shidou’s chest, refusing to make eye-contact. “Dammit, just— just take this and go.”
“Ooh, I’mma get to read Sae-chan’s book? I’mma explode just thinkin’ ‘bout i—”
Sae grimaced at the wording, shoving the volume harder against the older boy’s chest. He was already regretting this. “Don’t call me that. And don’t read that in public. Keep it in your room,” he instructed, narrowing his eyes.
“Yes, Sae-chan!”
“Moooornin’, lashes!” Shidou said pleasantly, seeming to pop behind him from nowhere. Sae startled, leaning a bit too heavily on his bad leg in his panic and almost falling. He swore quietly, glaring at Shidou.
“Senpai,” he replied, his voice laced with enough ice to freeze over Hell itself. At least Shidou wasn’t being handsy that day.
“I read that manga last night!” he said happily, leaning closer to Sae. For once, Sae didn’t try to get him out of his personal space, his attention stolen by the matter at hand: Shidou had read one of his yaoi manga and he was still talking to him.
“How did you like it?” Sae asked, apprehensive. This could still turn bad, after all. Shidou was known as something of a delinquent around school; It certainly wouldn’t be above his reputation to be something of a bully over something like that.
“Ya know at the end, how the two guys go to the love ho—”
Oh fuck no. Sae’s hands reached out before his brain could catch up, clasping Shidou’s mouth to shut him up. “Do not talk about that scene.”
Shidou pressed his tongue against the palm of Sae’s hand, drawing it in the shape of a heart. Sae immediately jerked away, that same weird feeling from the day before pressing its way into his chest. He tried to ignore the heat building in his cheeks, glaring at the floor. Shidou was such a freak.
In the process of stepping back, too much pressure was placed on his bad leg, landing Sae on the ground. He quickly caught himself into a crouch to make it look intentional, and Shidou followed suit. The delinquent grinned happily, as though eager to share a secret.
“‘Kay, I’mma talk ‘bout the rest, then, okay?”
“I guess… if you want…”
“Never read anythin’ like that,” Shidou said. “So I wasn’t expectin’ it.”
Anything like that likely referring to any queer media. Sae cast his eyes off to the side, swallowing.
“It was good, though!”
Sae’s eyes rushed back up to Shidou’s face, the genuine smile that pulled at his features.
“Thought it was just a normal action thing at first, but the romance stuff was really good! Stuck wit’ me,” Shidou continued, completely unabashed. Most could only dream to lack shame to that level. “Really liked it.”
Sae swallowed, a fluttering feeling building in his stomach that was a mix of uncomfortable and intensely pleasant. “R… Right.” His lips twitched upward before he could stop it, his eyes crinkling slightly. He began talking about the uke and seme’s dynamic without a thought, finding himself indulgent now that he had someone to truly discuss his interests with. He hid it from everyone — He used to talk with it a bit with his brother Rin, but the younger Itoshi was in a sort of teenage funk and refused to speak to him anymore.
Shidou nodded along with each of Sae’s points, for once quiet and just taking in what he said. There was a faint pinkness to his cheeks that Sae wouldn’t place on someone so confident. Sae was in the middle of talking about the author herself when Shidou finally interrupted what was an almost ten minute long rant (the time had passed before Sae could realize how much he had spoken):
“Lend me another?”
Sae paused, his mouth opening wide. He tried a few times to formulate a proper response, not having expected the request. Eventually, all he could manage was a short reply in a dumbstruck tone. “Excuse me?”
It became a bit of a ritual — every few days, Sae would lend Shidou a manga from his collection secretly at school. When he finished, Shidou would bring it back and hand it back to Sae in secret. (He had tried to give it back in public the first time, but Sae had quickly set him straight.) They would hide out behind the staircases during break and would discuss the manga after in hushed tones that Sae enforced. Shidou would sometimes be a more eager participant of conversations, but sometimes he was uncharacteristically quiet, just listening to Sae talk on and on. A few times, Sae had caught himself and stopped, feeling embarrassed, but Shidou would end up getting him to talk again with a bit of effort.
“Saaaaeee-chaaaan, you ready to go home?” Shidou sang from the door of Sae’s classroom.
“Shidou-senpai?” Sae said, looking up. The frequency at which Shidou came by his class had only increased lately, much to Sae’s dismay. Just a few weeks ago, Shidou had brought some cookies he made in Home Ec by, leading to some misconceptions by his classmates that had been an absolute pain to deny. People had been convinced that Sae was in a relationship with Shidou! Which was ridiculous, because even if Sae enjoyed yaoi, he’d never been attracted to men — hell, he’d been interested in a girl just before high school. There was no way he would get into a same-sex relationship, right?
“C’mooooon, class ended thirty seconds ago, finna go wit’out ya if ya don’t hurry up,” Shidou complained.
“Then go, you fucking demon,” Sae replied, knowing full well that Shidou wouldn’t bother. He had dropped most of his polite speech around the older boy, though the senpai bit stuck.
Shidou pouted. “And leave my favorite kouhai? No chance!”
Sae’s seatmate cleared his throat, glancing at him. “Are you okay? Isn’t that guy a bad boy or something?”
Sae scoffed, glaring down his nose at his classmate. Though shorter than Shidou and considered a bit dainty in the face, he wasn’t small by any means, his body still toned despite him no longer being in sports and taller than average. It was easy to tower over his seatmate. “Did anyone ask you for help?”
The other boy startled and began rapidly shaking his head, quickly running out of the room. Shidou whistled, leaning against the doorframe. “Damn, lashes, you tryna give a guy a heart attack?”
“You’re not any better with that reputation of yours,” Sae drawled, hoisting his bag over his shoulder before beginning to limp to the door.
“You thought about getting a cane or somethin’?” Shidou asked curiously. Sae immediately glared, making Shidou put up his hands in surrender. “Fuck, sorry I asked.”
Sae rolled his eyes. “I’m not weak enough to need that. I can walk just fine like this,” he hissed.
“I mean, yeah, but it be… never mind.” Shidou sighed, wrapping his arm around Sae’s shoulders. Sae initially struggled, but he eventually gave up. (If he leaned into Shidou slightly, it was purely because he made an easy support that Sae wasn’t going to waste. Even if he didn’t need one, he wasn’t so illogical as to pass one up when it was so desperate to be used.)
“I’m not going straight home today,” Sae said. They usually walked right to the train station together and parted ways along their route, but that wouldn’t be how it was today.
“Eh?” Shidou looked down at Sae, his pink eyes flashing in confusion. “Why not?”
“A new volume of that series I lent you came out. I figured I’d buy a copy fresh off the shelf.”
Shidou hummed, a fond smile crossing his face. It was softer than the demonic grins Sae had seen him flash when fighting (that delinquent reputation wasn’t for nothing) or teasing other students, one that Sae hadn’t seen him give anyone but him. Something about it was similar to a manga he had once read—
No, he wasn’t comparing Shidou to a yaoi love interest. That simply wouldn’t make any sense at all.
“I’mma come!” Shidou said eagerly.
“What?”
“I’mma come wit’ ya!”
Sae weighed his options and eventually decided that just allowing Shidou to tag along would be less effort than trying to fight him on this. He sighed reluctantly, elbowing Shidou in the waist. “Just don’t be a pain.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,” Shidou replied flippantly. Sae was doubtful that the guy would keep to his promise, but he decided to drop it.
“Wow, they’s got an entire shelf just for yaoi?” Shidou asked, whistling.
“Quit saying it so loud,” Sae hissed, yanking Shidou’s absurdly tall frame down so that his face didn’t peek over the shelves. “This isn’t something you can just go around talking about, okay?”
“Why not, Sae-chan?” Shidou asked, though he lowered his voice as asked. He even crouched down a bit, making himself level with Sae. Their faces ended up a bit close for comfort, making that persistent feeling in Sae’s heart surface once more.
Sae didn’t bother scolding him for the manner of address this time around. It seemed to be a losing battle. “Because it’s humiliating,” he said bluntly. “The word fudanshi comes from the kanji for rotten for a reason, you know.”
Shidou pouted a bit. “What, ‘cause ya like readin’ ‘bout dudes together? Don’t seem like that big o’ a deal to me,” he whined quietly.
“It is,” Sae insisted. That was always what he was taught, anyhow. He turned to the shelf, beginning to weed through different volumes. Those ones were all older, which meant the new ones should be stored…
“I mean, who ain’t thought ‘bout kissin’ a guy once or twice, at least?” Shidou asked with a small pout.
Sae dropped the fresh copy of his favorite yaoi series’s latest volume on the floor in shock. “Excuse me?”
“Ain’t everyone thought ‘bout that? Gotta be curious, yeah?” Shidou shrugged, crouching down to pick it up as so Sae didn’t have to strain his leg. Sae felt a small tinge of self-loathing come from the assistance — he wasn’t that useless, was he? — but he didn’t say anything about it.
“I mean…” When Shidou phrased it like that, he supposed it wasn’t that odd of an experimental thought. There were plenty of what if’s in the average mind that people never acted on. “I… suppose. I have never considered it before, personally.”
“Ya haven’t?” Shidou stood up, though he didn’t straighten all the way. Their noses almost touched, his odd eyes settled on Sae’s own. “Not even once? C’mon, really?” His warm breath fanned across Sae’s mouth with each word, and Sae almost wanted to open his mouth to taste it.
Right then, he could almost see it. Shidou closing that gap and pressing their lips together, him opening his mouth and letting the older boy in. It was more natural to imagine than anything before, making his skin heat up as though a fire had been lit under it, and—
Sae snatched the book out of Shidou’s hands, face turning red. He shoved Shidou away, nearly knocking him into the display of the series he’d been purchasing from. “Never,” he insisted.
Shidou raised a brow at Sae’s sudden mood swing, but he didn’t press. “If ya insist.” He reached behind him to grab the newest volume himself — it had been a series they’d both been pretty interested in.
“What are you doing?” Sae asked.
“Buyin’ one for myself,” Shidou said with a shrug.
“Why? You can just borrow mine.”
“You’s tryna not get caught, yeah? Havin’ my own mean I don’t gotta grab it off ya at school,” he pointed out, oddly considerate.
Sae swallowed. “I, yeah, I guess so…” He found himself not wanting that, though, despite the clear logic. Why was that? “It’s a bit of a waste of money if you only have one volume, though, don’t you think?”
Shidou considered that for a moment before shrugging and putting it back. “I guess. Maybe when I’s got more cash on me.”
“Maybe,” Sae echoed, the word hollow. So much of their friendship was built on these books now. Would Shidou still hang around if he just started getting his own manga to read?
Why did Sae dislike the thought of him disappearing?
After the first time Sae thought of kissing Shidou, the thought didn’t stop haunting him.
It seemed to follow him everywhere — During class, when he tried to sleep, when he read manga. It was like some sort of parasite, chewing at his brain without his consent. It infested every nook and cranny slowly, taking on different forms, inserting itself on yaoi that Sae tried to read peacefully until he felt like he was going insane. Hell, his brain was focusing on the thought now, the idea of the warmth of Shidou’s mouth against his and—
“Saeee-chaaaaan.”
Sae startled, looking up at the man he had just been fantasizing about. “Eh?”
Shidou tilted his head with a small frown. “I said male pregnancy three times in a row wit’out ya bustin’ your balls over it, somethin’ wrong?”
“No, it’s… no.” Sae shook his head, color crawling into his cheeks. What was he supposed to say? Oh, I’m doing terribly, I keep thinking about making out with you on any given surface. God, he was an embarrassment. Why was he even considering it? It wasn’t as though he like Shidou, was it? That wasn’t possible at all. And even if it was the case (it wasn’t, but allow one to play Devil’s advocate for a moment), there would be no way that Shidou was interested in him in return, so the thoughts had no right to spawn. “And I do not bust my balls over you being an embarrassment. I’m just looking to save what little remains of your reputation.”
Shidou snickered, leaning closer. “Ya so cute, lashes.”
Sae jumped, his heart skipping a beat. He could see this scene clearly from one of his mangas, knew just where that chapter had gone, and… well, it wasn’t something that belonged near a school. He glanced away, the fire in his face burning hotter. “I thought I told you to stop calling me cute.”
“It ain’t a bad thing. I like that ya cute.”
“I’m a guy, I’m not cute,” Sae insisted.
Shidou smirked, tapping Sae’s chin. “How ‘bout sexy, then?”
Sae’s next snappy retort died on his lips as he processed the words. “What?”
Shidou pulled away, putting his hands up. “Ya look like I broke ya or somethin’. Too far?”
“Everything you do is too far,” Sae muttered. “Your existence is too far.”
“Ouch.” Shidou laughed it off, but Sae could sense a genuine sort of hurt behind it that made guilt spread in his chest. (Since when did Itoshi Sae get guilty over something he said? This was ridiculous.)
“You’re… you could be worse,” Sae allowed begrudgingly. It easily removed the pain from Shidou’s face, replacing it with a grin.
“A regular song of praise from ya, lashes.”
“…why do you call me things like that, anyways?” Sae asked.
“What, lashes? ‘Cause you’s got—”
“Not that, stupid Devil,” he hissed, scowling at the confusion. “Cute, and… you know…”
Shidou tilted his head. “Just callin’ it like I see it.”
“You’re going to give someone the wrong idea,” Sae pointed out.
“What kinda idea?” Shidou inquired, seeming genuinely confused. Right then, Sae was fully convinced that Shidou was indeed stupid.
Sae rubbed the back of his neck, scowling. “Someone’s going to think you like me or something.”
“What wrong ‘bout that?” Shidou asked. “Sound right to me.”
Sae narrowed his eyes at Shidou’s sheer foolishness. “…not like a friend,” he clarified.
“I don’t be seein’ no problem.”
Sae gaped. “What do you mean?”
“Shit, lashes, ya think I just cling like that to everyone?” Shidou asked with small laugh, for once seeming sheepish. “Thought you knew…”
Sae blinked slowly. Well, perhaps in retrospect, it should have been obvious. Shidou followed him practically everywhere, touched him whenever he could, called him all sorts of nicknames, constantly complimented his appearance…
“Ya okay? Ya don’t gotta say nothin’ ‘bout it—” Shidou started.
Sae found his body acting before his brain did, reaching out and grabbing Shidou by the back of the neck. He pressed their lips together, starting a kiss just like his thoughts had been infested with. He kept the kiss chaste and pulled away quickly, the logical part of his brain soon catching up to him. What was he doing? Was he seriously kissing Shidou? Why would he—
Shidou pulled Sae in by the back of the head for another, deeper kiss, and the doubt melted away a bit.
Well, yeah, he was kissing Shidou. Maybe Shidou’s flippancy was rubbing off on him, because he wasn’t seeing what was wrong with that.