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Of course there is definitely some trauma involved from your dad, one of the most important people in your life, being there all the time to suddenly not being there at all. And you're too young to understand why he can't come home and why he's not around anymore and why you can only see him if you go to this big scary place once a week if your mom allows it for years.
And when all the kids in your class have their parents with them for special kindergarten and first grade events and whatnot, you have your mom whom you love very very much, but you hate how your dad can't be there and it hurts.
And then your mom starts seeing someone else. And this nice guy starts showing up to everything now. And then is living in your house. And sitting where your dad would sit at the table or in the living room. He's nice though, and he makes your mom happy so you go along with it. Because you've heard your mom crying when she thought you weren't around. And his hugs are nice, and his voice is soft, and he reads you bedtime stories too.
But his hugs aren't your dad's hugs. His voice isn't your dad's voice, the voice you really want to hear especially when you get scared, and your dad does the voices better when reading bedtime stories.
And no matter how much you beg and plead and cry, your dad says he can't come home yet. He tells you he'll be home before you know it, and it'll be okay, and he'll see you again very soon. And you nod, believing him because he's your dad. You trust him completely. But as soon as you leave the scary place where he is, you start to wonder and question.
Especially since you feel like he's been replaced at home. He doesn't have a place there anymore. Your mom and future stepdad seemed to have made sure of that. They don't know how you've heard them say mean things about your dad when they thought you weren't around, things out of anger and hurt and ignorance. You want to tell them to stop and that none of that is true! Daddy's the best! But you don't know how to tell grownups that, so you don't.
Not to mention all the rude people who tell you mean, untrue things about your dad to your face. Your mom tells them to stop it and to not say those things in front of you, but they do it anyway.
And then your dad finally does get out of the scary place, but just like you thought, he's not home. Nobody will let him come see you. Even though you want him to. Even though you tell everyone you want him to. No one seems to listen. They apologize but do nothing about it. It’s up to Daddy apparently.
But he does it. Once again, he’s your hero.
After all the Ant-Man stuff, things seem to get better. Finally, there's some good balance between being with your mom and with your dad. Now you have them and a stepdad who love you very much. Life is good now.
Then Germany happens. Your dad ran off with Captain America with only a brief heads up before he was gone in a flash. You were staying at your mom's anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. But then your dad comes back and instead of going to another scary place - prison, you now know - he stays home. And can't come out. For anything. At all.
You can still see him and spend time with him, and this is definitely a lot better than the first time around, but there are still a lot of drawbacks. He can’t be there for all the fun things like your soccer games or birthday parties or holidays, unless those are held at your dad's place. You still have your dad, but at the same time, you don't.
But he does his best for you, and he was doing what he thought was right which is why he went to Germany. That’s what heroes do. You can’t really blame him for that, right? Besides, working with the Captain America is a pretty big deal.
No sooner does your dad finally get allowed by the FBI to go outside does the unthinkable, unimaginable horror occur. Everyone you love except your stepdad disappear. For whatever reason, everyone else turned to dust.
And you're abandoned again. Logically, that's not the case. Logically, you know you were never technically abandoned, but your heart has labeled it all as abandonment. And now the ultimate abandonment. And you're that little girl again, screaming and begging and crying for your loved ones to come back home.
But they don't. Not even the hero you cry for the most.
For five years, you work to cope with this. You somehow manage to. You think so anyway...you're doing your best. Your stepdad knows you're struggling, but he's struggling too. He not only has to take care of you, but he has to help a society that's crumbling, trying not to slip into madness. And you know it because you feel it too.
Your dad had been the advocate for the little guy for as long as you can remember. It's his extreme good deed of looking out for the little guy that ironically made you feel like you were a little one who wasn't looked out for. But you've rationalized it and molded it and painted it all in your head to look better than it was. To help you forget how much it hurt. Your dad is a hero. The best of the best.
And you picked up his legacy and would look after the little guy too. After all, you wanted to be his partner for as long as you could remember. You think you'll never get that chance now, but carrying on his legacy is still something you can do. Something that gives you purpose even with all of this pain. And that's what you do.
And even after that fateful day where you hear panicked knocking at your door and see a ghost standing on your porch, only to reach out and feel flesh and bone hugging you back, do you still look out for the little guy. Because you're the only one who will. Sometimes it feels that way anyway. Because your dad, your rockstar hero who could do anything and everything…is human.
And the pedestal you set him on and painted in your mind to be something more is starting to crumble. And you don’t know how to cope with seeing your hero as less than superhuman. Even after your adventure in the Quantum Realm, you’re having trouble. You know you’re being unfair, but you don’t know how to be fair in this case.
Your dad's insisting on therapy. So has everyone else. And you're trying, but you don't think they understand just how far this hurt goes. Maybe you don't even quite understand yourself. But your therapist has said there's strength in pushing on and strength in letting yourself break. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have the strength to push on. But you're not sure if you're strong enough to let yourself break.
That is until your dad holds you tight one day and whispers, "I'm so sorry, Peanut. For everything." And in that moment, you completely break, and somehow you find your strength.
And despite everything you’re struggling with, you still recognize part of that came from the arms that hold you. Your dad. Your hero.