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Jeonghan had been staring at his phone for the past 15 minutes. The sound of the music, the concerned voices of his members both far in the background. The ringing in his ear intensified with every like, with every new comment on that post.
His biggest fear had just become reality. The one thing he had always been so frantic about, had just been posted on twitter. There was no way this was happening, they always three-double checked if everything was safe, they always made sure his scars weren’t visible. But here was that tweet… his scars clearly visible. For all the fans and non-fans to see… the horrible truth.
Well that was a lie, for Jeonghan, for his members, even for the Pledis-staff this truth wasn’t horrible, it was who Jeonghan is. For them it had never been a problem that Jeonghan is transgender, for them it was never a problem that the blond male had been born with the body of a female. Hell, they were the biggest supporters Jeonghan had ever encountered. They helped him get through his periods, they made him cake every month for a full year to celebrate that he started testosterone. They showered him in teddy-bears and face-masks when he got his top-surgery. No, they were the best support Jeonghan could ever wish for. But Jeonghan also knew the korean-fans and the fact that they were never the biggest supporters of anything. With every mishap, with every little wrongdoing the fans would get busy, busy cancelling their idols, the ones they are so-called fans of.
Jeonghan felt his phone leaving his hand, with a soft bonk it fell on the hard wooden floor. Jeonghan could only stare at the floor, his mind racing at least forty marathons and two triathlons at the same time. It seemed like he couldn’t comprehend what just happened, while it was so clear to him at the same time. He got exposed, his biggest secret was out there on the internet, and there was nothing he could do about it anymore.
Wonwoo picked up Jeonghan’s phone. Eleven pairs of confused and worried eyes staring at him while he read through the article. “We’re fucked…” was the first thing that left his mouth “... they exposed Jeonghan. It’s already all over the internet. Not just text, there are… there are pictures too.”
Mingyu immediately went over to Jeonghan and crouched down in front of him. “Hey, hey Hannie Hyung. I’m here, we got you.’ He put his hands on Jeonghan’s knees. “Hey, look at me hyung.” Mingyu said, his voice soft yet firm. Jeonghan could only shake his head, tears finally streaming over his face. “I-I’m s-so sorry.” He choked out, truly feeling sorry.
Jeonghan wasn’t even scared of his own career. He had always known that he took a risky route by pursuing an idol career as a trans man. But he was scared of the career of his beloved members. His twelve brothers, he could only think about what this news would do to them, how this would affect them. “Hey, don’t be sorry, this is so not your fault.” Another voice chimed in, his beloved youngest, Chan. He crouched down beside Mingyu, while the other ten members left the room. They knew to give Jeonghan space, they knew that he would be in good hands with Mingyu and Chan.
“B-but w-what if I fucked up your careers… a-all because I wanted to be a fucking idol, b-because I wanted to-” “Bullshit,” Mingyu interrupted, “if my career is ruined by sticking by your side, than I’ll gladly let my career be ruined. You matter way more to me than this stupid career, okay? We all will be by your side, no matter what is going to happen now. Let us take care of you, okay? Let us be by your side.”
Jeonghan didn’t know what to answer. The kind words by Mingyu almost fell like they were too much, too kind and too soft for them to be true. He had heard these words so many times before, when he was stressing about his life, his career, when Jeonghan felt like he would never be on the same level as his members, all because of his past.
But what Jeonghan didn’t know is that the members saw how hard he worked, how much progress he had made throughout the years. How his voice became more stable, how he got less scared about showing some skin, how he dared to laugh out loud, without being scared this his laugh would be too feminine.
“Let’s go home yea? Eat some delicious food and then tomorrow we can talk with Pledis about what we will do?” Chan offered. “N-no, I want to talk to Pledis today… I want it to be done, I don’t want to think about it too long…” Jeonghan mumbled. He knew he had to talk about it soon enough. He knew that Pledis would absolutely want to deny it. It was one of the deals he made with them when he joined Seventeen. Rule one: Never talk about being transgender in the open. Rule two: Always deny any rumor about being trangender and rule three: a two year hiatus to mimic the military phase. Jeonghan couldn’t do anything else than agree at that point. He had been training with the Seventeen members for such a long time already, he dreamed about debuting and at that time it seemed easy to never talk about being transgender. He had felt like he wanted to hide that part of him forever, he had felt like he wanted it to be something he would want to keep a secret.
But through the years things changed. Jeonghan became more comfortable in his identity. He figured out that the kpop-community could use someone like him, someone to show that transgender people were also capable of pursuing their dreams, no matter what their dreams were. And now, with his scars out in the open, he felt like this was his chance. A chance to show the world his true self, the chance to be that idol people had yearned for for years.
“Okay if you want that, then go talk to them first. We’ll order your favorite dishes when you come home.” Chan said, a smile plastered on his face. He saw the determination in Jeonghan's face. “Goodluck and text us as soon as you are on your way home, yea?” Mingyu said, helping Jeonghan up. Jeonghan nodded. “I will keep you updated, go home to the others okay? It’ll be a long one.” Jeonghan spoke, as if he was confident about the upcoming hours. But in reality he was everything but confident.
Jeonghan didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He didn’t know how Pledis would react, not only on the fact that there are rumors, but also for the fact that Jeonghan wanted to acknowledge the rumors. Wanted to tell the truth, even though his contract prohibited him from doing so.
As Jeonghan stepped into the conference room, three pairs of eyes focussed on him. “You’re here.” His manager spoke. His tone was soft and filled with concern. “Sit down. Do you want something to drink? A coffee? Water? Tea? Anything you want.” His manager said as he stood up to grab some drinks. “Just water please.” Jeonghan sat down on the uncomfortable black, plastic chairs. In all those years Pledis somehow didn’t find it necessary to replace the old chairs.
The four of them sat there in silence for a few minutes. None of them knew how to start this conversation. So many different interests were on the table. “I want to confirm the rumors.” It was the first thing said. The first thing thrown into the discussion and it was something none of the three staff-members had expected. “Y-you what?” Jeonghan’s manager asked. “You want to confirm… you want to make a statement that the rumors are true? Is that what you want?” Another staff member asked. He was young, inexperienced and above all unfamiliar with Jeonghan's contract and the deals that were made. Jeonghan nodded “Yes I want to confirm that it is true, what is the point in denying? It’s not only lying to my fans, which I absolutely hate to do, but it is also no use since there are literally pictures out on the internet. My scars are clearly visible.. So even if we want to deny there is a change people will backfire.”
“You can’t confirm it Jeonghan,” The CEO of Pledis said, “it’s in your contract. I looked it up, because I felt like this topic would come up. Here.” Their CEO put the contract down, flipped open on page two. Where for all the other members this shit was about their dating ban, which lasted till last year, for Jeonghan page two looked completely different. A bunch of rules about his transition. Jeonghan had never owned his own transition. Every step taken was determined and precisely planned by Pledis. When he took his top-surgery, when to start with testosterone, when to legally change his first name and gender, and above all a bunch of rules about showing people that he was transgender, or better, about not showing that he is transgender.
“I know what is in my contract. I also know that I signed that contract. But that was six years ago. I have changed a lot since then. This is my second contract under you guys… and six years ago I never even thought about coming out. At that point I thought it was enough for me that you, as Pledis, and my members knew. But through the years things changed. The fan community even changed. I see people, I see fans yearning for someone different, yearning for someone who is open about being a part of the lgbtiq+ community, because there is no one… I know we agreed that I would never talk about this, that I would never tell my fans. But now I want to. It is already out there, all we have to do is not deny it. I could do something like a press conference to answer questions from the media… I could do interviews to explain everything… but just let me be free… please?”
All three staff members stayed silent for some time. “But this is you talking about the western fans. What about the Korean fans?” The newest staff member asked. Jeonghan nodded. “I know that my view is focussed on the western fans, since they tend to show more compassion when rumors get out. They tend to… to see that we are also human beings…” Jeonghan let his words sink down. “So… I want to confirm. I think it’s time that the Korean fans learn that we, lgbtiq+ people are also normal people, and that they are even fans of us. I think it is time to show them that transgender people are also normal human beings and that it is definitely not always possible to distinguish them from other cis-gender people. I know this is a large step to take, but it is one I want to take. I want to be there for my people, the transgender kids that are seeking a role model in this world.”
“I’m not sure about this Jeonghan. I could affect us, the company, badly. It could affect Seventeen as a group very badly.” Their CEO spoke with a thick voice. “I know, there definitely will be an effect. But whether the effect is good or bad, I want to take the step. And… and if the effect is bad then kick me out. If that is what needs to be done to keep the career of the other guys alive, then we must do that.” Jeonghan was determined. He knew he wanted to confirm the rumors, and if that meant putting his own career on the cuttingboard, then he was more than willing to do that. Because he rather lived like himself out of the spotlights, than living in the spotlights by lying to his fans. “I will think about it. You’ll hear from me tonight.” And with that Jeonghan was dismissed.
On the walk home, his heart felt heavy. He could feel the intense stares from the fans on the streets, he could feel the judgemental eyes burning in his back. It didn’t make him rethink his decisions, it only made him more and more sure about it. He knew it was time that the way the Korean fans thought would change.