Work Text:
Vernon knew it would be a bad day the second he woke up. Red spots painted his sheets, cramps shooting through his body every few seconds.
His first mental breakdown came barely ten minutes into his morning. He had made his way to the bathroom, a pad clenched in his hand, away from the sight of his members. In the bathroom he changed out of his blood drenched boxers into a fresh, clean pair. The pad did not stick down to it, mocking his efforts for trying even though he knew it wouldn’t stick. He struggled, tears pricking behind his eyes. He wanted to cry, wanted to yell, but he couldn’t, because he didn’t want to seem weak. A few seconds later, tears streamed down his face. When he opened the cabinet to grab his painkillers, he was met with an empty package. He cursed himself for not getting new ones on time, a new cramp shooting through his body.
Vernon let the tears trickle down his face, eyes locked through the mirror. Words of hatred spread through his head. It didn’t feel like he was looking at himself, at the man he was. His big, round eyes stared at his reflection, pointing out every single flaw of his body.
His thoughts were interrupted when Seungcheol called out for him. “Vernon,” he spoke through the door, “we have to get going in ten minutes.” Seungcheol immediately left after that, leaving Vernon once again alone with his thoughts. “Come on… be strong like the man you want to be.” Vernon whispered harshly to himself in an attempt to ignore the pain shooting through his body.
Slowly he managed to change out of his huge hoodie and pyjama pants. With a struggle he put on his binder, fit snug around his chest. His airways suffocated as always. He topped his outfit off with a hoodie, comfortably around his feminine shoulders. A sight left his mouth as he looked back in the mirror. His thoughts wondering why he couldn't be like the others. Like anyone else… normal and not so complicated.
His second mental breakdown, although this time without tears, came halfway through practice. The pain in his stomach had intensified, while normally it would subside through moving. The doctors always told him that it was good to move around when his period-pain was pestering him, when his stomach clenched together every few minutes. But today… today it wasn’t his day. Sweat plastered on his forehead, throat dry, breathing rigid and vision blurred. “One more time before the break!” Hoshi called out. Vernon stood up, once again pushing through the immaculate pain he was experiencing.
The intro of the song barely made it to Vernons brain, his ears blocking every sound, his breath getting faster and faster while it felt like he couldn’t breath. His vision blurring, black spots painting his sight. His chest tightening, like his binder suddenly got tighter. He pushed harder, fought more against his own body.
And suddenly he felt the ground under him, the cold floor a relief to his burning skin. A voice called out for him, somewhere far in the back of his mind. He recognized the voice and at the same time he didn’t. A pair of hands found their way to his shoulders. “Vernon, can you hear me?” Vernon looked up, his vision still blurred but not enough to blind him. Seungkwan's blonde hair made it easy to distinguish him. He tried to nod, his breathing growing even more rigid. “Okay, good. Follow my hand. We’re going to breathe slowly. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” Vernon tried to follow him, slowly breathing in and out. “Good, you’re doing so good nono” Seungkwan spoke to him in a calm tone. His tone felt like coming home, after a long day. It made Vernon smile, made him feel like he was safe.
Once he got his breathing under control, his vision returned to normal and his binder felt the same as always, he looked at Seungkwan and smiled softly. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to…” Seungkwan shook his head. “Don’t worry, are you feeling better now? Do you want something to drink?” Which made Vernon aware of his dry throat. He nodded. Seungkwan reached for a water bottle and handed it over to Vernon. It was the first moment Vernon realized they were the only two in the room.
“I told the others to leave us alone for a few minutes, told them I would get them when you were okay again.” Vernon smiled at Seungkwan, silently thanking him for the care. “I feel okay again… we can continue practicing again, I’ll tell Hoshi that I'm sorry for interrupting. I won’t do it again, I promise.” Vernon blurted out, the feeling of guilt gnawing on him. “Don’t apologize, your health is a lot more important.” Seungkwan called out, a bit harsher than he expected to do. "Yeah… sorry.” Vernon mumbled, another cramp shooting through his body again.
“Here take these before continuing.” Seungkwan held out the painkillers Vernon always used when he was on his period, the ones specially made for this type of pain. “How do you…” Vernon spoke as he took over the package. “I know the signs Nono, there is no need to be ashamed. And before you ask, yes you're safe, no leaking for what I can see. Also are you wearing your binder?” Vernon nodded, eyes avoiding every form of contact with Seungkwan. “Okay… you know I don’t support that, but I get your decision. So I want you to take it easy for today.” Seungkwan spoke, his voice soft but firm. All Vernon could do was nod, accepting the words from his best friend.
Vernons third mental breakdown happened at the very end of the day. The cramps had gotten worse and on top of that he caught a fever. The few bites of dinner he had been able to eat ended up in the toilet, his stomach turning at the thought of more food. It was the second time of the day that tears trickled down his face. He clenched the heatpacket against his stomach, legs curled up, everything in the hope to find some release from the pain he was experiencing.
A knock on the door distracted him from his thoughts. “Yes..?” Vernon called out, voice weak and soft. The door creaked open and Jeonghan's head peeked through. “I brought you soup,” Jeonghan said as he walked further into the room. “I’ll put it on your nightstand, please eat it.” Vernon nodded weakly, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep the soup down.
Jeonghan sat down on the side of his bed, his eyes fixated on Vernon. “Again huh..?” Jeonghan asked, as his hand stroked Vernons hand. Vernon just responded with a nod, he knew what Jeonghan ment. Every single month he would feel like ripping out his stomach, would feel like everything was the worst his life ever could be… yet every month he somehow managed to survive without his members noticing anything.
Or so he thought. Of course did his member notice that there was something going on, because why else would he disappear into his room for a week straight, would only wear black pants and oversized shirts and why else would the only member he really talked to during that week be Seungkwan? Seungkwan, the only one who seemed to know every single detail about the American boy.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I do want to.” Jeonghan spoke, his voice soft yet firm. Vernon averted his gaze, eyes fixated on the weighted polar bear at the end of his bed. “We’re worried about you Vernon. Not just me, or just Seungcheol hyung. No, even Woozi and Dino are worried about you. The pain comes back every month, always lasts around a week and you seem to struggle more in those weeks than in any other week. It…” Jeonghan fell silent. “It what…?” Vernon finally looked at Jeonghan.
The silence between them felt suffocating. Vernon was too scared to say anything, too scared that he might say things that would reveal secrets that Jeonghan didn’t know. Jeonghan was too scared that the thing he was going to say would hurt Vernons feelings or that he would be completely wrong… it was a big thing to accuse someone of. It was even bigger to accuse one of his best friends, who he had known for several years, of. Not that the thing was wrong, or that he would find Vernon disgusting for it. Hell no, for Jeonghan it wouldn’t change a thing, but it would clear up some things.
“It almost seems like you’re experiencing periods… are you?” The silence returned. Vernon stayed still and silent like a statue. He knew he could tell Jeonghan that it wasn’t the case, but then again what would he tell Jeonghan? He knew Jeonghan wouldn’t just let it go like this, that if he said that it wasn’t true that it would be that, no more questions, no other guesses. But what if he did say that Jeonghan was stating the truth? Would he be mad? Would he be disappointed? Or would he be supportive, like Seungkwan had always been. Was he ready for more people to know? Was he ready to tell the rest of seventeen? No, no he definitely wasn’t, because he still felt like suffocating when even thinking about telling his members. Would it hurt to just nod right now? To tell Jeonghan that he is right, that he is indeed experiencing periods every month, that he is indeed struggling every month a week long. Struggling with cramps, with a weak body and mostly with his own mind? Would it hurt..?
Vernon didn’t know the answers to all his questions, but still he took the leap. “Yes…” He said, voice soft and insecure. Jeonghan nodded too, a relief washing over him. It was nothing bad, it was something they could deal with. “Thank you for telling me Vernon.” Jeonghans smile was genuine, caring and above all soothing. Vernon felt his worries fall away for a second. He wondered for a few seconds why he always doubted telling his members, but that doubt was taken away a second later when he heard Dokyeom screaming something through the house, something he had rather not heard. Something that fed his insecurities like they were hungry for more food, like they had been starving for months. “Ignore him… he doesn’t know what he is talking about.” Jeonghan said as he rubbed Vernons back. A soothing silence collecting both of them.
“Have you always been hiding this… for all of us?” Jeonghan asked after Vernon finished the soup he brought. Vernon shook his head. “Seungkwan has known for a long time, he found out after he walked in on me in like week three? Just after our debut, it was traumatic.” Jeonghan smiled, the knowledge that Vernon hadn’t been dealing with this burden alone made him feel a bit better. “Why was it traumatic? If you want to tell me, of course.” Vernon laughed softly. “He just… he walked in on me while I was showering and I swear, the scream that left his mouth was worse than you ever heard. Luckily nobody else was home, otherwise I think everyone would already have known by now I think.” Jeonghan softly laughed at the thought of this happening. “Did he react well? After that scream of course.” Vernon nodded “The best I could wish for. He reacted so much better than I ever dared to dream. He has been taking care of me ever since, bringing me the foods I like, taking painkillers with him because I always forget them and checking whether I’m leaking through or not even when I’m not asking for it. He has been my pillar, someone I can rely on with everything. He even was there for me when I went to fight the government because they refused to change my name officially.”
Jeonghan softly gasped “Oh my god I didn’t even think about that. Was that difficult?” Vernon nodded. “It was very difficult. Usually the state only accepts those changes when someone transitioned, you know… when you are on testosterone and did top-surgery. But for me that was different, I had to explain to them that I couldn’t take those steps due to my situation. It took like four times as long as it normally would, but now… I’m finally Hansol Vernon Chwe for the state, it feels good to see that in my passport.” Vernon smiled, his whole body feeling light. A strange, but happy feeling filling his body now he is able to share his story with someone else than just Seungkwan. “Damn… I can’t even imagine how shit it must be to look in your passport and not see your own name… and about those things… Are you planning to take them? I mean the surgery and the testosterone? Do you want them?” Jeonghan was careful with asking questions, not wanting to hurt Vernon by asking too personal questions, but also curious about his situation and what he could expect.
“Yes… someday I would love to have both. But taking testosterone also means that my voice will get deeper, and it might affect my ability to rap and sing. But it also would stop my periods… It has so many pros and cons. But surgery, oh absolutely. As soon as I have told everyone I will have that surgery… I just need to tell everyone… and that is a huge obstacle for me.”
Jeonghan held Vernons hand and looked him in the eyes. “I’ll be with you every step you will take, I’ll be by your side when you tell the rest of the members. I will be by your side when you are getting surgery. I will always be by your side, because what else could I do for my dearest brother.” Jeonghan then stood up and smiled, “Take your time, we will always support you.” and then left the room.
Those words were the words Vernon needed that evening, the words of encouragement, words that would make him feel stronger than he had ever felt. The second Jeonghan closed the door behind him Vernon knew one thing for sure. A fourth mental breakdown would stay away that day.