Chapter Text
Sometimes… sometimes you don’t tell something to your members immediately. Sometimes, telling them takes years. Sometimes, it just becomes too much and you have to tell that one member, that one leader of your group. Sometimes you are Dino, sometimes that leader is Scoups.
Seungcheol had been worrying about the youngest of their group for a long time. The way Chan always wore big hoodies, oversized t-shirts, always walking away to another room when changing shirts. But Seungcheol ignored it, thinking it was just some sort of insecurity from Chan showing, something he would talk about when he was ready.
But Seungcheol was wrong. When it took Chan one year, he thought Chan just wasn’t ready yet, when it took two years, Seungcheol thought it would happen soon. Chan became more comfortable with them. When the three year mark was there, Chan became more insecure again. Seungcheol talked to him a lot, but never did Chan tell him anything. Not a single thing, always saying that he was alright or that Seungcheol shouldn’t worry too much.
Chan was insecure, more insecure than you could think of. It wasn’t the type of insecurity where you didn’t like to show skin, it was worse. Chan was frightened, frightened to show any form of skin. Chan didn’t like to show his body, not at all.
Because you know… Chan wasn’t like the other members. He didn’t have muscles like Jihoon or Seungcheol, he wasn't as tall as Mingyu, he was different. But nobody knew, because he hid. He always did.
But lately things changed and Seungcheol noticed.
Chan had been wearing oversized hoodies again, more oversized than he normally did. Chan had been shutting himself off, barely talking to anyone, anyone but himself. Seungcheol heard Chan talking at night, heard him mumbling whole stories to himself. Sometimes it sounded like Chan was writing a story, other times it sounded like he was trying to calm himself down. But every time Seungcheol asked Chan about it, Chan wouldn’t say a word. He never denied what Seungcheol said, but never said that Seungcheol was right either.
It was a dark, rainy Sunday evening when Seungcheol and Chan got paired up in a hotel room. Normally Chan would’ve been paired up with either Soonyoung or Jihoon. Normally Seungcheol would’ve been paired up with Jeonghan, but this particular night… this night the leader and the youngest got assigned a room together.
For Chan it felt like the world was doing it on purpose, on that one day in the whole year that he felt like his mind was exploding, like he needed to talk about everything that ever happened to him, on that one particular night he got paired up with Seungcheol.
So Chan did what he was the best at, he made himself keep quiet.
As soon as they walked into the room, Chan claimed the bed by the window. He wanted to be able to look outside, wanted to look at the dark world when his mind would get too much again.
Seungcheol wasn’t questioning it, he always had the bed in the middle of the room. To protect his Jeonghan when needed, he had always felt that need to protect. He just shrugged it away, leader instinct as he would call it.
When Chan changed into his sleeping clothes and he walked back into the big room wearing the biggest hoodie Seungcheol had ever seen, he could only worry more.
“Make sure you don’t sweat or heat up too much.” Seungcheol said to Chan. Chan just shrugged “I won’t, and don’t worry.” Was what the youngest responded. Seungcheol sighed, he always worried, and mostly about the youngest of the twelve members he had.
The only thing left was to encourage Chan to go to sleep soon, because the next day would’ve been an early day again. Chan didn’t respond, he just turned around on the bed, hugged his legs and sighed to himself, as he looked outside the window, into the dark world that hopefully would calm him and his mind down.
Seungcheols mind didn’t shut up, he couldn’t stop worrying about the boy on the bed next to him.
Scoups: You still up? 11:23 pm
He texted Jeonghan, the only person he trusted with his worries, the only person that (so far Seungcheol knew) also worried as much as he did about Chan.
Jeonghan: I am <3 Everything okay on your side? 11:27 pm
Jeonghan responded with worry, as Seungcheol would never text him like that.
Scoups: Yeah I think, I’m sensing that there’s something bothering Chan lately, things are different 11:27 pm
Jeonghan: I’m sensing that too, want to meet up at the lobby to talk about it? You could also come to my room, Junhui is already asleep. 11:28 pm
Scoups: Let’s do the lobby, I don’t want to wake Junhui up, let alone make him worried about Chan. 11:29 pm
Jeonghan: okay, I get that, I’ll meet you there in 5 <3 11:30 pm
Seungcheol sighed softly as he put a sweater over his t-shirt. It seemed to him that Chan was asleep, so it also seemed like a safe option to leave the room.
The two oldest out of the thirteen members met up within five minutes from their texts. “So… Chan huh?” Jeonghan asked as soon as the two sat down on the comfiest sofa they could find. Seungcheol nodded shortly. “Yea… It’s just… I don’t know, something is bothering him lately.”
Jeonghan nodded, but still asked Seungcheol what he meant with it. “It’s his clothes, they became baggier again, especially his tops and hoodies… it’s something he doesn't want to tell, something that he is bottling up in himself.” Seungcheol explained, his hands in the air moving along to his voice.
“I also figured,” Jeonghan started, taking Seungcheols hands into his own to calm the leader down “his tops were always baggier, but lately… they are big, too big.” They both sighed and nodded, after which a calm silence settled in between them.
“You should talk to him Cheol,” was how Jeonghan broke the silence after three minutes “and if you don’t, I will do it.” Seungcheol nodded shortly at Jeonghan. “I will try” it’s all he said, because there wasn’t a need to add more words to it. They both knew that it would almost be an impossible mission, they tried so many times before. But they also both knew that they should keep trying, if it just was to show Chan that they cared about him.
Jeonghan was happy to hear that Seungcheol would try, because he knew how hard it was to keep trying. “Do that… and if he doesn’t talk I always can try.” He told Seungcheol, as he let out a long yawn. Seungcheol chuckled softly, “it’s more likely for Chan to talk to dad than to mom.” Seungcheol joked about their title, as they did way more often between the two of them. “Daddy’s boy,” both Seungcheol and Jeonghan chuckled for a second, “let me know how it went. Text me if you need me.” Jeonghan smiled at Seungcheol, then gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before he left to his hotel room, leaving Seungcheol alone in the dark lobby of the hotel.
It took Seungcheol a few minutes before getting up from the sofa. Drowned in thoughts, drowned in questions floating through his head. Questions about his love for Jeonghan, questions about Chan and a lot more questions about their future as a group.
Once Seungcheol was back in their room, he stole a glance at Chan. To him it appeared that Chan was still asleep. He took that as a good sign, a sign that the younger boy was resting before the filming the next day, a sign that the younger one’s mind wasn’t bothering him as much as Seungcheol thought.
But it was too much to be true. In the corner of his eye Seungcheol saw the younger man slowly turn around. Chan's eyes fixed on him. Chan didn’t say anything, he just looked at Seungcheol with those same tired eyes as before.
“Can’t sleep?” Seungcheols voice was soft and calm, like honey. Chan shook his head “Not really” he mumbled as an answer. “Is there something? You can always talk to me if you want to.” Seungcheol put his phone on the nightstand next to him, after which he fully turned to Chan.
Chan sighed “My mind just won’t keep quiet.” Seungcheol nodded “Maybe… maybe you need to speak some things out? Talk about what is going around in your mind?” He knew he could expect a joke-like answer. “Like I’m in the mood for some ice-cream? Forest fruit yogurt to be exact?” Chan replied. Seungcheol chuckled lightly “That's very much a mood yes, but I’m sensing that there is also something else going on.”
Chan denied it again, telling Seungcheol to not worry about him too much, that it was something that Seungcheol didn’t have to worry about. Chan almost turned around again.
“I get it, but I’m trying to help Chan. Sometimes speaking out can really help, and especially if it’s a heavier topic or something that has been going on for a long time. I’m not just speaking here as a leader, but also as your friend. I can assure you that you can trust me, that you can tell me anything and that if you want me to not tell anyone else, then I won’t, because I care about you.”
It didn’t keep Chan from turning around. Chan still listened to every word Seungcheol spoke to him though. “But will it really? I’m scared to talk about it, so I would rather keep it a secret. Keeping it a secret is so much easier than talking about it hyung.” Seungcheol knew he was making progress, as this was the first time since they knew each other that Chan admitted to having a secret.
“Will it really be Chan? Look I’m not trying to push you and I truly want you to be comfortable to tell me, but please don’t be scared to talk to me. I won’t judge you, no one from Seventeen will judge you, no matter what it is that is bothering you. I promise you.” Seungcheol moved to sit on the side of the bed, still looking at the back of Chan. “You can’t say that hyung.” Chan’s tone hardened. He was fighting the voices in his head, the voices that told him to talk, the voices that told him to keep it quiet. The little angels and little devils in his mind, Chan was fighting them all at once. All he wanted was for them to keep quiet and let him alone, let him and his secret alone.
“Are we… do you think that we will judge you?” Seungcheol tried to keep his soft tone up, but he was scared too. Scared that instead of making progress he did the opposite. He saw Chan nod and something inside him broke at that moment. “Goodnight Hyung.” Chan said, before the room fell silent.
Seungcheol turned around, feeling like a failure, to himself and to his best friend, to his youngest member. From the other bed he heard soft sniffles, getting to know that Chan was crying broke him even more.
Scoups: There’s definitely something going on… and I don’t know what to do anymore. That’s a first, I’m truly clueless. I don’t want to push him, but he needs comfort… I’m sorry, I know you’re asleep 12:07 am
Seungcheol texted Jeonghan, knowing that Jeonghan wouldn’t read his text till the morning. He just had to get it off his mind, let someone know that he was struggling. He felt like he was failing as a leader, he felt he was letting down his members. He didn’t know what to do anymore, while Chan kept crying, not even two meters away from him.
Seungcheol couldn’t stay like that, he couldn’t bear hearing Chan cry like that. As clueless he was, he knew he had to do something, to show comfort to his friend.
As he placed a hand on Chan's shoulder, Chan started to cry more. Chan was in need of comfort, comfort from his favorite hyung, comfort from his leader, the man that was in the bed next to him. And here that man was giving him the comfort he needed, that single hand on his shoulder did it for him. “Chan… please talk to me… it hurts so much to see you like this.” Seungcheols voice was like a warm blanket that spread over you. “Please… please hyung go away…” Chan couldn’t stand it, the angels in his mind telling him that he could let Seungcheol comfort him, that it was safe to tell. The devils in his mind tell him to send Seungcheol away, to keep quiet like the past years, because that was the easy way, to Chan that was the easy way.
But Seungcheol didn’t go away, he did quite the opposite. Seungcheol said down on Chan's bed, his hand not leaving Chan's shoulder. “Please…” Chan begged him again.
“I-i, I just w-want to be like you” Chan stuttered out, followed by a hiccup. Seungcheols heart broke even more. “What do you mean… like me?” Chan just responded with a nod. “H-how do you mean sweetie? Are you talking about talents? Appearance? Manners? Attitude? How do you want to be like me sweetie?” Seungcheol looked closely at Chan.
Chan was scared, scared for what Seungcheol would say, yet he still nodded. He answered with a nod when Seungcheol asked him how he wanted to be like Seungcheol. He wanted to be like Seungcheol, like his appearance… he wanted to be a boy like Seungcheol, like any other member of Seventeen.
Those words of wanting to be a boy, he didn’t say them, he just kept nodding. It left Seungcheol guessing, guessing things he was too scared to guess. “Is it…. is it the whole boy being? Is that what you mean by wanting to be like me?” Seungcheol asked with a lot of care in his voice. “Y-yea” Chan spoke up… the big words were out… and instead of feeling relief, all he could feel was regret.
“That’s fine, it’s okay Chan, your secret is safe with me.” Seungcheol tried his best to comfort the broken boy in front of him. For the first time ever he saw the true Chan, he saw how tired the boy was.
“It’s not fine hyung. It’s not fine and I knew it. I knew you would act like it is okay, like it is normal. I knew you would act like this won’t change anything while it will, because it always changed things.” There was a switch in Chan's voice, from the broken comforted boy, he switched. The broken, scared version of him was back, the version that refused to talk about his secret, that secret that wasn’t truly a secret anymore.
Seungcheol didn’t understand it, he wanted to understand Chan so badly, wanted to understand why the boy was reacting this way, he wanted to understand what happened before to understand Chan, because he cared for him.
"B-but!" “I’m here to support you Chan. Why would this change things? You’re still the same Chan to me, the same Chan that I’ve known for years and I’m willing to do everything for you to help you, to comfort you. Please Chan, let me help you.”
“Because it always changes things. Always Hyung.” Chan looked at Seungcheol with tears in his eyes “And it will never not change things…” He turns his eyes away from Seungcheol “I don’t want to talk about it, ever again. Okay?”
There was nothing left for Seungcheol to do, so the thing that he could do was what he did. He grabbed his phone, looked once again at Chan and then left the room. He wished that this was the right choice, to give Chan some space.
Seungcheol sank down on the same sofa he was two hours earlier, the lobby as dark as before. He just sat there and stared at the floor, feeling lost, feeling like he let Chan down.
Jeonghan: I get it sweetie, is Chan doing a bit better now? Do you want me to try to talk to him tomorrow? Nevertheless you are doing amazing, please don’t worry about that. Always our best leader <3 12:53 am
Seungcheol didn’t know what to tell Jeonghan. The truth, he would always tell the truth to his Jeonghan, but the truth would hurt too much this time.
Scoups: Absolutely not… but I know more. The thing is that he really doesn’t want to talk about it and for the first time it feels like I'm letting a member down… is this what they talked about when they said that being a leader can be hard? 12:55 am
Jeonghan: You’re not letting him down cheol, you’re doing your best and he appreciates that, even if he doesn't show you right now. It’s harsh for him being the youngest… I’m there for you if you need me, I can come down to wherever you are now. To help or to just give you a hug. 12:56 am
Scoups: For now I’ll just let him. I’ll try to fix another room to give Chan some space to sort things out. I love you, thank you for being there for me at all times 12:56 am
Jeonghan: I love you too darling, remember that <3 12:57 am
Seungcheol smiles for a few seconds at his phone. Jeonghan was always there for him and he knew that Jeonghan was his… his safe space. Even a leader sometimes needs that.
When he was at his new room, alone in the dark, without a second person in the bed by the window, he couldn’t sleep. Normally he would’ve written things down, by hand, to calm down. But he didn’t have a paper or a pen, he didn’t have anything. So he talked to himself, for hours on end he talked to himself about everything that came to his mind. He talked about his worries about Chan, about his love for Jeonghan and how he really had to tell Jeonghan about it, he talked about the forest-fruit yogurt ice cream he would bring Chan tomorrow night… he talked to distract his mind.
Dino: I’m sorry 4:01 am
Seungcheol looked up from the window when he saw the reflection of his phone lighting up. As he picked up his phone he hoped that it would be a stupid notification, something like a new YouTube video… but it wasn’t. It was Chan and he was saying sorry. Sorry for something that wasn’t his fault, for something that he couldn’t do anything about.
Scoups: it’s fine 4:02 am
He didn’t know what else he could say, because this was what he truly felt.
Dino: Can you… please come back? I really need a hug… from you 4:04 am
Seungcheol smiled lightly at the message Chan had sent him.
Scoups: ofcourse, i’m coming 4:04 am
Without wasting any more time Seongcheol went over to his room, his shared room with Chan.
Chan was laying in bed by the window, still that big hoodie around his small body, still the same way of laying down.
Seungcheol laid down beside Chan and carefully hugged him. His arms around Chan's waist, letting Chan feel warm and cozy.
Chan couldn’t resist and turned around, fully accepting the hug from Seungcheol.
“Thank you” Chan sighed as he calmed down in Seungcheols arms. Seungcheol couldn't help but smell the scent of smoke in Chan's hair. He mentally made a note about talking to Jeonghan about Chan's smoking.
“No problem” Seungcheol held Chan close. “I’m really sorry for the way I reacted… I just wanted to keep it a secret. I…” Chan could feel the tears rise up again “I don’t want you guys to throw me out of the group… or to look different at me than you did before, so I wanted to be safe. And that meant keeping it secret” he whispered against Seungcheols chest.
Seungcheol didn’t understand it, didn’t understand why Chan would think that he or any other member would look different at Chan, when the only thing that changed was more freedom for Chan.
“But like I said, you’re still the Chan I know… why would we kick you out of the group sweetie? Because you weren’t always a boy? That shouldn't even be a thing, you’re our beloved maknae who we love very much no matter what happens.”
“Everyone else did?”
“And we won’t, I promise.”