Chapter Text
May 2nd 2016
I saw you yesterday.
I was passing through the park and you were there, sitting on the bench near the lake. You had your blue jacket and black scarf. It wasn't that cold but you've always liked to be warm and cozy.
You couldn’t see me.
Thank God.
I just stood there. Across the street. Watching you.
It felt like time stopped and all that existed was you on that bench. Your golden curls and red nose.
You were reading a book. It was the one I gave to you. I recognized the covers, yellow and crumpled, holding so much memories.
You tucked your hair behind your ear and I could see half of your face.
You smiled and my heart broke.
I miss your smile.
May 4th 2016
I saw you again.
You were sitting in that caffe near your apartment. Some girl I don't know was with you.
I could tell you were ranting about something. Your hands were all over the place and you had that look in your eyes. The one you had when you were angry.
You are so cute when you rant.
I never told you that. I would get lost in your eyes. They would light up and I couldn't force myself to look anywhere else. All I wanted to do was kiss you.
May 10th 2016
I didn’t see you yesterday.
I wanted to call. Or text.
I even started one. But then I remembered you don’t want to hear from me.
I hope you were okay.
May 23rd 2016
I saw Raven today.
I almost successfully avoided her. Almost.
She saw me. She smiled.
I thought I was going to die when I saw her coming towards me.
I thought she was going to kill me.
But she hugged me.
We are having coffee tomorrow.
I almost asked her about you.
May 24th 2016
Today I had coffee with Raven.
She talked about her job. About everyone. Except you.
She asked me how I was.
I didn’t know what to tell her.
I tried to smile.
She said everyone misses me.
I miss you.
June 2nd 2016
I saw you yesterday.
You were smiling.
June 10th 2016
I had coffee with Raven and Octavia.
I asked them about you.
Octavia was quiet.
Raven told me you are okay. That you are smiling.
I wanted to ask if you are happy but that would be inappropriate.
I hope you are.
June 21st 2016
I miss you.
I really miss you.
I miss your hair on my pillow.
I miss your eyes and sleepy mumblings.
I miss your lips and soft kisses.
I miss your hands in my hair.
I miss your smile.
I miss your voice.
I really miss you.
I’m sorry.
July 5th 2016
I saw you last night.
You were kissing someone.
I don’t want to be alive.
July 10th 2016
I love you.
August 15th 2016
I think this will be the last time I write to you.
You have someone new in your life. Octavia was happy to tell me.
You are happy.
I cried last night, for the first time in forever.
I think I’ll cry a lot in the days to come.
You gave up on us. On me.
No. That’s wrong.
I gave up on me, you were just too tired to keep fighting on your own.
-Hey.
I must be going crazy. I just heard you say hey to me.
-Hello, Earth to Lexa.
-Hi.
As Lexa looks up she is met by a pair of blue eyes and a smile. She smiles back because that's the only thing she can do.
-You mind if I sit?
-No.
First thing she notices is the shy smile on Clarke's lips. Second is the perfume. It's strong and unfamiliar and nothing like Clarke.
When Lexa averts her eyes to the ground between her legs she realizes where they are. They are sitting on their bench. A bench. It feels like there are miles between them, between now and the last time they both sat there.
She wants to cry.
- Writing?
- Just stupid stuff.
The silence between them is cold. Uncomfortable. It's as if they are just two strangers sharing a bench, trying to make the time pass faster.
- How have you been? – Lexa asks just to fill it with meaningless words.
- I’m okay.
She recognizes that okay. It's the you-are-not-worth-it type of okay. Lexa is still trying to dig a hole in the ground with her eyes, wishing the earth could swallow her.
- Raven tells me you might move away – this time it's Clarke who speaks – I mean, she mentioned it, I didn’t pry.
- It’s okay. Yeah, I’m thinking about it.
- Why?
- There’s no reason for me to stay here.
Lexa can see with the corner of her eye that Clarke is not looking at her anymore so she finds her courage and turns her head. Clarke's eyes are locked to the lake. Sparkly and bluer than ever.
- Last time I was here was 3 months ago. I was sitting here reading your book. I cried my eyes out.
- Why are you here today?
- What?
Clarke snaps her eyes at Lexa and she looks away. Again.
- Why did you come today?
- Why did you?
Clarke's voice is soft and Lexa's heart breaks with every word.
- Octavia told me you have someone.
Clarke chuckles and a thousand butterflies bubble up in the other girls' stomach.
- That’s why you came?
- No.
Clarke lets out a long sigh before speaking again.
- Yeah, I have someone.
- I’m happy for you.
- Are you?
- Of course I am. I want you to be happy.
Clarke's eyes are again on the lake.
- Do you remember it? The first time?
- Yeah.
- You were wearing that green shirt and black jeans. It was 600 degrees and you wore black jeans.
- And you were in white shorts and black tank top. And you smelled like flowers.
Clarke smiles. Lexa blinks and it's gone.
- Yes, because it was hot.
- Yes it was.
There's a grin on the blonde's face. A full, wholehearted grin and for the first time Lexa looks her in the eyes. For a couple of seconds her heart stops beating. Clarke is the most beautiful person she ever saw.
But then, Clarke's smile drops.
- For the longest time I thought you hated me.
- What?
- Yeah, at the beginning. You never looked at me. You always seemed annoyed. You didn’t talk much. All we did was have sex.
- I never hated you. I l-… - she stops herself on time - I never looked at you because I was scared. I was not annoyed, I was frustrated because all I wanted to do is be with you.
- Do you know when was the first time you said you love me? – Clarke asks.
- You didn’t say it back.
Clarke looks at her confused so Lexa continues.
- I knew you were awake.
- You knew?
- Yeah.
- How?
- Your heartbeats.
There’s a small smile. Anyone else would have missed it. But not Lexa.
-I thought you would run away if I said something.
- Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t say anything. I still hoped you would.
- You are such an idiot.
- I know.
Lexa hates herself for knowing and not knowing. For being and not being.
- I saw you kissing someone.
- What?
- Some time ago, in a club. I saw you kissing someone.
- Oh.
Now Clarke looks down.
- Is that a someone?
- Yeah.
- She’s pretty.
- Yeah. Do you have a someone?
- No.
- Why?
- Wouldn’t be fair.
- To who?
- A someone.
- Where are you planning to go?
- I don’t know. Someplace far.
- So you don’t see me anymore? – Clarke asks with a fake smile playing on her lips.
- So I don’t see you kissing someone else again.
Silence.
Everything became too much too fast. Lexa feels she has to go or she won't be able to stop herself from crying.
- I should go.
- So this is a goodbye then?
- I guess so.
Lexa stands up and Clarke is now in front of her. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears and taste blood in her mouth.
She will cry.
- I wish you all the best. – Clarke says and offers her arm to Lexa.
She reaches for it and drops it as soon as they touch.
- You too.
- Goodbye Lexa.
- Goodbye.
She doesn't say her name because Clarke doesn't want to hear it. She made it perfectly clear that day. Lexa should never again say her name out loud.
Clarke turns around and leaves.
Now she can cry.