Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was an awkward position.
More than awkward.
Shameful even.

Pitiful pitiful. The fates above knew that this was just rewards and Agni on high had stretched out his divine hand having patience no longer. Zuko just knew that being in this position was proof enough that there was some invisible force out there ready to balance the scales and recompense the wages owed- and Agni up above were the wages sour.

But it was what was Just.
It was what was True.
It was what was a given.

Zuko knew the risks inviting all his old friends back for a big reunion at the palace grounds and he couldn’t be mad at anyone but his own sorry self. As much as he tried to avoid it, avoid them, it was only a matter of time he was caught in that position he fought so hard to keep away from.

“This place sucks.”

Such simple and childish words with such a great impact. The Kyoshi Warrior guard that was present could only look sympathetically at the child before turning to her liege with a hesitant and confused expression. It was clear that she didn’t want to act on something so trivial and delicate especially since the young girl was quite under control despite being noticeably peeved.

Regardless, it was clear by the mound of rocks at her feet and the few scattered about near some shattered porcelain dishes that the little girl was doing something unruly.

“I’ve already had my partner send word to the child’s mother, sire.”
The Kyoshi guard reported to Zuko, “She just left not five minutes passed before you arrived. As for the girl… One of the servants caught her lining up the plates and throwing rocks at them but she stopped once I arrived.”

“Yeah, because you all will just raise a big stink. Bullies. Can’t even leave me alone.”
The young girl blew away the dark bangs that covered her eyes, “How about you do something better and find me something to do? I want to kick a dummy’s ass.”

Irately the girl spat on the ground, leaving the guard watching over her with a confounded and sheepish expression which she expressed to Zuko.

“You know what, you all suck too. This place sucks. This whole stupid thing sucks and is stupid!”

The young girl grabbed one of the rocks and poised to throw it before the Kyoshi guard grabbed her hand.

“LET GO OF ME! RARRRRR!!!!”
“Little Miss you need to stop!”
“SHUT UP!”
“I am so sorry, my lord. I guess we just can’t wait any longe-”

The Kyoshi guard paused when Zuko raised his hand and made his way towards them. For this whole time he had been silent and neutral, but suddenly there was a stern look on his face that not only stunned the child but left the warrior also stunned to speak.

“Leave us.”

“My lord.”

“Leave us. I won’t repeat myself again.”

With that the Kyoshi guard let go of the young girl and bowed, leaving before catching another command knowing it would be quite unsavory to receive. What she did receive, however, was another unsavory and obscene gesture by the part of the little girl she had just seized though the child was smart enough to do it when her back was turned.

Zuko couldn’t help but chuckle at the little tiff though he didn’t follow up with anything else until he was sure that the Kyoshi guard was well ways away.

“So…. Lin.”

“Yeah?”

What a snotty child. Abrasive. Rude. Zuko was at least thankful she had calmed down from being physically aggressive and only stared with him with no respect to his station.

“How are you doing, kid?”

Awkward. This hesitant attitude on the part of Zuko clearly didn’t come from a lack of experience speaking to children as he was a father to his own little girl, but from something else. It was readily apparent from the way he refused to look at her face for more than a few moments or from the way he fought hard to maintain his stately posture.

“Getting into trouble, are you?” the Fire Lord picked up one of the countless stones Lin had collected and tossed it into a nearby bush, gaining a smile from the young girl who followed suit.

“You’re a fine thrower. Can you earthbend yet?”

“Hrmh brmh urbmhm.”

“Was that a no?” Zuko looked genuinely unsure as he had was expecting a more certain answer from someone more blunt and direct instead of the begrudging grumbles that escaped her throat, “Really? Has… Has... Your mother hasn’t taught you yet? You know when she was your ag-”
The Fire Lord paused when the young girl’s face contorted in anger which was shortly followed by a more powerful throw that caused the rock to ricochet off a tree and into the wild green yonder of the palace garden.
“I see…”

Zuko really sympathized with Lin knowing the exact cause of the rage and anguish that solicited that reaction from her. It was clear to him that, just as he once suffered, Lin was also under the yoke of meeting the familial expectations of prodigious bending.

“Don’t sweat it, kid.”

Lin looked at Zuko very incredulously when he said those words.

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Huh?”

“You’re Mr. Fire Lord. Aren’t you supposed to be fancy?”

“Not all the time.” Zuko chuckled, “Sometimes I’m allowed to relax and throw rocks at random plants in my own garden. Hey… I don’t think I remember giving you permission to do the same.”
There was a sense of elation seeing a small smile peep out of the young girl’s once wrathful face and the Fire Lord decided to pursue his course by continuing to throw rocks at the green.
“I should have my guards come and take you away for damaging my stuff. Say… Where did you even get those plates anyways?”

Strike! One of the porcelain plates shattered into a pieces and left Lin with quite the competitive streak in her as her teal eyes now zeroed in on one of the other plates.

“From the kitchen, duh.”

“Oh really?”

“The old lady in the kitchen didn’t even see me come out with them.” Lin was so proud of herself when she said that, especially since it was paired with a direct strike on a plate."I was bored. There’s nothing to do here and it sucks.”

“Don’t you want to play with the other kids?”

“No.”
Lin was more abrasive than usual and even clenched her teeth after answering that question. It was clear that, just as the adult tending to her, she too was filled with hidden thoughts that she wanted to remain within her. Even her little eyes showed a darkening from whatever feelings were bubbling up inside her, something Zuko only remembered seeing in himself so long ago.

They were clearly feelings of anger, indignation, and pure unfiltered envy.
Feelings that were once not alien to Zuko.

It was such a smack in the face that this little girl acted just like him and it clearly had to be the karmic taunting of the universe directing itself upon him.

“What’s wrong, child?”
Zuko had to undo the guilt that was brewing up inside his chest and now geared himself to helping Lin no matter how out of logic it was. Even Lin found herself utterly perplexed as to why the Fire Lord himself was so attentive to her needs in such a genuinely tender way.

Almost like a f-

No. Lin gnashed her teeth and shook her head. There was no way under the wild blue heaven that this could possible be in any way similiar- not that she knew what to compare it to to begin with.

“I don’t want to tell you. You’re weird. And you’re ugly.”

Fair enough. Zuko merely sighed and did not dare counteract with discipline but instead continued to throw rocks to close the gap between them. It was really the only thing he could do. Lin was no Izumi after all. She was not calm and intellectual. She was not diplomatic and courteous. Just like her mother Lin was rough and tumble and completely salt-of-the-earth even when ceaselessly spoiled by her well-to-do grandparents.

What could Zuko even do to get through to her?

Would he even want to?

There was such great risk. Just being near her with the threat of Toph approaching was already a risk too far to begin with so Zuko was in no position to keep pushing his luck. In fact, he didn not even know why he was doing all this as it just came to him automatically.

It was almost biological.

Zuko grimaced harshly at that thought because he was immediately reminded of how his mother used to tell him about how even the most basic of creatures like turtleducks would do anything to protect and care for their offspring. This was why he was doing this. It was the innate nature of a father to protect his young and that realization shook the Fire Lord to no end.

“No one cares. They’re all stupid.” Lin continued bemoaning her situation which broke the Fire Lord away from his inner turmoil, “Everyone just wants me to be like mom. Mom wants me to be like mom. Popo wants me to be like mom. Gongon too. Everyone. They’re stupid stupid stupid.”

“Hmmm I see…” Zuko threw another rock as he tried his best to regain his bearings, “Do you really think that’s a bad thing to be like your mom? To the point you call everyone stupid?”

“Humphhrrrmmmbbleeehhh.”

“Use words, Lin.”

“I don’t want to.” Lin pouted with stern arms crossed. She had now stopped throwing rocks and fully turned her distasteful attention to the Fire Lord before making him see what she truly though of his words with that scowl on her face. For a moment Zuko became stunned seeing that somber image reflect back at him like a startling bout of deja vu.

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You’re just like them. You don’t like me either.”

“Lin, I’m certain you have many people who like you.” Zuko faced her fully, looking down at her not with the towering authority of a king but rather the compassionate gaze of a guardian, “Think of all the people that do. Think of your friends Kya and Tenzin and Bumi. Your ‘uncle’ Aang. Your ‘aunt’ Katara. You grandparents Lao and Poppy! And I am so, so certain that your mother really loves you from the bottom of her heart.”

“And my dad?”

Zuko dropped the rock in his hand when Lin spoke those words.

It was an awkward silence.
More than awkward.
Shameful even.

“I’m… Well… I’m certain that he would c-care.”

“Then why is he not here?”
The absolute devastation that ransacked Zuko when he saw those puffy jade eyes hesitate to look him back was palpable and made the once mighty monarch clear his throat to regain the words that suddenly sucked back down into his stomach.
“No one likes me! They bully me in school and Popo always gets mad at me when I hit thembecausetheysaysomanymeanthingstomeandithurtsIdon’twantto-”

“Lin! Lin! Calm down!” Zuko immediately knelt next to her when the young girl’s sentences became an incoherent collision of words being strained between quivering lips, “Lin it’s alright.”

“They’re so mean to me. They push me. They laugh at me. No one is my friend. They call me mean words.”

“Well they’re wrong, Lin. You’re a strong girl, there’s nothing they can do to hurt you and there’s nothing they call you that is true.”

“...how about Bastard?”

Zuko grimaced at the word. Hearing it come out of the mouth of a child was one thing, but knowing that what he just said to comfort her was an utter lie was doubly painful.
“Look, it doesn’t matter how you were born. Trust me. You have to trust me on this Lin. There are some people that …. Well- I-… Look. I know its hard being mocked for something like that. I- Oh, Agni… What I’m trying to say is that.”

The Fire Lord stood straight up and drew in a deep breath as he concentrated all his willpower into this conversation. It was not easy to speak with years upon years of guilt weighing down upon your chest like a millstone so Zuko was pressed hard into speaking without making this situation any worse.

“Lin…. Your father…. Well it doesn’t matter who he is really. Yeah! No! No he doesn’t matter at all! Not now at least. So let's forget about your father... Not that you should! I mean. He is your father. But- Oh goodness gracious- That’s a-a-a-another point entirely so look what matters is the people who love you now. All the wonderful people. People who truly love you and don’t care about the mistak- No no. Not a mistake. Well, it was a mistake but- Oh Agni. It’s complicated to explain to a child. Look. I made a mistake- Uh, not me. Not me. Not a mistake about… Oh son of a bitch.”

Lin watched the monarch pace around in place with that worried look on her face that almost made her forget her own strife had she not kept hearing Zuko speaking about it over and over. To say she was utterly perplexed at the adult’s behavior was an understatement, and considering the adult was the king of a whole nation doubly made her confused to the point that she thought she was being humiliated.

At that point she began to cry.

Not outright weeping but sniveling and fighting back the tears that slid down her rosy cheeks.

“What I want to tell you is-”
Zuko paused entirely paralyzed by the disheartening scene of the crying girl in front of him.
“Actually. I don’t know what to tell you. I won’t say anything…. I just want to hear you. I want to hear what’s wrong. Please...” he knelt back down in front of her and brought her in for a hug, feeling those tears stain and dampen his silk robes.

“...I want my dad…”

Lin wasn’t holding it back anymore. Bawling. Weeping. Snot nosed and teary eyed with nothing left to lose as the rough and tumble person was no longer worthy of being kept alive.
“Everyone has one… Why not me? Is it because he doesn’t like me? I want one. I want one. I want one! I want people to like me! I want one!”

“Lin! Look! You don't have to worry about a father! What matters is that you rise above despite the mistake!”

“A Mistake!?”

Zuko jolted away from the young girl and re-positioned himself so he was now looking at the newly arrived Toph whom merely stood in place arms crossed and dangerously tapping her foot. Clearly this day could not get any worse and all the chickens had come home to roost with no mercy. It was to be expected seeing how he so carelessly invited them to his palace where the risk they were all together would be so apparent.

“Let's not be rash here. No-No. I didn't mean it that way.”

“Lin. Here.”
Toph knelt down and offered a hug to her child.
“What’s wrong, honey? What are you upset about? Is it something the Fire Lord said?”
Despite now embracing Lin, Toph gyrated her head towards Zuko’s general position and fixated on him with uncanny precision. It was clear that the thoughts within her head were nothing pleasant towards the monarch and that the discussion he feared was to take place was just around the corner.

“What. Did. You. Tell. Her...?” such a grim voice. There was a rumbling in the earth as well.

“Nothing. Nothing that you are thinking of, Toph.”

“Oh! I think it is what I’m thinking of but you just don’t have the gall to admit it.”
By this point Toph had stood up and kept Lin close to her thigh, “It slips out of your mouth like it did just now calling her a mistake.”

“I didn’t call-”

“Yes you did. ‘Despite the mistake’? You take me for a fool, Zuko?” Toph continued, “Are you serious? Are you going to call her a bastard too just like all the other shit-mouthed kids at the academy? I can hardly get her to focus on her lessons just because she’s fighting all the time with those little jerks or just bawling her eyes out because of people like you!”

“I never called her a Bastard!” Zuko was now reasonably and defensively irate, “Why would I call her that? Why would you ever think that?! Do you really think I have so little care for her?”

“12 fucking years, Zuko!” Toph came face to face with the man, “12 fucking years you had to get this all sorted out and here she is crying again with the man who is the root of all this mess! Just tell her what you truly feel about her and get it over with. Come on, show her how much you ‘care’.”

Lin sat upon the bench too frightened to speak out or cry as the two adults glared at each other with such an awful look upon their faces. Had she the life experience she would have noted that they were both utterly defensive and not malicious towards each other; Something akin to a cornered animal lashing out at anything keeping it trapped.

“No answer, huh!?” Toph scoffed at Zuko’s complete inability to speak as well for he was completely dismantled by both the sight of devastated Lin and seething Toph, “It’s clear why. No need to exert so much effort on a … ‘Mistake’. Guess with enough money to the boohoo poor little single mother and ignoring the problem it will go away right? ”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Of course! Aha! Of course! The simple part was getting me into your bed. Everything else is ohhhhhhh so hard! Waa waa waa! Get real… one little ‘mistake’. Sure. To your eyes since you didn’t raise her, clean her, have her pop out of you-”

“Don’t talk that way around her.”

“Oh! So now you’re her father!”

Zuko would have continued the argument had it not been for the incoming wave of his friends and palace guards coming down the portico hearing the commotion. It was a sight that made him seize up and shut up out of sheer fear of being exposed for something that was meant to be hidden for life.

“Ah… You are such a fucking coward.”
Toph had by now noticed what made Zuko drop everything and merely put back on her typical demeanor of a strong and commanding woman (which she, by nature, was) all while feeling the vibrations of their mutual friends as well as the blessed Fire Consort herself arrive to investigate the matter. For a moment Toph was certain there was a falter to Mai’s step, like a cat trudging along a damp surface being ever so careful not to get wet which was enough to foster some concerns that the Fire Consort had existing suspicions.

For as much as she wanted Zuko to acknowledge the Truth, Toph knew that the best course of action was something reasonable and collected. Sure her boisterous attitude just wanted to scream to the rooftops and expose this coward but cooler heads had to prevail for the sake of Lin.

“Is something the matter?” ever pacifist Aang was diplomatic in his approach, which Zuko greatly appreciated as the other parties would have started off quite differently as seen by the way they were presenting themselves. Katara was noticeably concerned and would have jumped to conclusions especially with a child in the mix while her brother…

Good Agni.
If eyes were swords those eyes of Sokka would have been weapons worthy of Piandao. For the longest Zuko wondered if Sokka was privy to the truth, something that would not be out of the realm of possibilities as he and Toph were impeccably close friends.

Surely Sokka had to know. The way he glared at Zuko was anything but ignorant of the situation.

Now the double trouble came when his own wife was in the mix. Mai was perceptive. Immaculately so. If there was anything off about this situation she would have definitely picked up on it miles before she even arrived to the palace gardens and that is what scared him to death. For years Zuko had hidden this yet that looming paranoia of IF she knew always existed.

She was friends with the captain of the Kyoshi Palace Guard Ty Lee after all, and not at all a distant connection to the one person who could and would find such secrets about him in a heartbeat- the Princess Azula.

“It was nothing.”

Toph spoke. Assuredly. Simply. To the point. Her nonchalant and dismissive presentation completely believable to all but her most ardent supporter Sokka whom still stared foul at Zuko. “Lin here was messing around. Zuko scolded her a little too harshly for my liking. Life goes on.”

Lin could not believe how easily her mother lied to all the grown ups even when she had seen her become so angry at the Fire Lord the most strangest thing.

“I… Uh… I apologized to Toph.” Zuko continued, “I figured that since Lin is quite the headstrong girl I could be a little firmer with my correction than I would with Izumi. Right, dear?”

Mai was a little surprised she was thrown into the mix but let out a sigh.
“I wouldn’t want you to treat a child any differently even if they weren’t yours, Zuko.”

Ouch.
Zuko let out a fit of awkward laughter.

“I would have wanted you to treat Lin here just like you treat Izumi- Like if she was your own daughter.”

Oof.
The Fire Lord had to cough to hide the grimace that bubbled up on his face.

“My apologies.” for her part Mai was truthful and upfront with both Beifongs, bowing to Lin first before settling on Toph, whom she neared as part of her gesture:
“Sometimes my husband, my Zuko, prefers momentary flares of emotion to sense…. It’s oh so easy for him to make mistakes.”
That part was whispered. Silent. Even nearby Zuko could not catch it but by the look of Toph’s face after the unintelligeble murmur the Fire Consort it was enough to make his heart tremble.

Perhaps this reunion was something to regret.

Chapter Text

Mistakes.

13 Years Ago

Stressed kids just now found the time

To learn how bad it was to truly be alone.

Zuko slipped into the bedroom like a runaway spirit led by a firm but cautious tug at his wrist. It wasn’t often Toph was on her toes, preferring brash action to hesitation, but this time it was different. Why wouldn’t it be? This was all different. Down to the minute details of where they were and who they were with.

With each other that was.

In a private room that was about to have way more than two occupants because of the many coming guilts that were about to flood in. The more the merrier as it was commonly said, and with these two abysmally lonely individuals even bad company was welcome company.

Even the silence in the room was noise.

Even the darkness was light.

It really didn’t matter anymore. The Fire Lord was far in too deep to get out of it now being the diligent and tireless worker he was and he knew that Toph too shared the same qualities. This was now a battle of sticking to their guns. To their core values. Both being ceaseless workers always looking to drown out their problems in just one more minute of duty was once again not working towards their favor.

Perhaps Toph could see the folly in this, for Zuko knew good and well he couldn’t.

He had already poured out too much to not give her this. He had already lamented and spewed out all his regrets for her to hear to not giver her a consolation for her boundless patience.

Perhaps Zuko could smother the feelings, for Toph was already cracking at her shell.

She had already expressed too much to not commit to something. She had already spoken her compassionate words and sought solace within his closeness to deny him anything further.

All in all they were just two lonely people. Regretful people. People that had hit a point of no return with the incoming paths all being stupidity.

What their emotions couldn’t hide the darkness did. Inside this hazy little room where brick and mortar fought their hardest to contain the simmering desperate longing that Zuko spewed out from his mouth as his lips devoured Toph’s own. Sweat condensed upon the cool stony surface the moment Toph became pressed into it with robes eagerly removed so that all her bare skin could spur the goosebumps that reacted to change in temperature.

It was a tactile feeling. Something Toph knew all her life being blind.
Vibrations greater than those she used to sense the world around her.

There were waves coursing through her body with every motion the Fire Lord made.

“Toph….”

Perhaps Zuko shouldn’t have whispered her name because it showed something a little more than just a quick rendezvous. Now both his motions and his words betrayed him- he was always a little traitor after all. It didn’t matter if it was creed, nation, family, or now whatever he felt inside this chest of his Zuko always find a way to forsake what he stood for.

“Are you sure you want … to keep.. doing this?”

He had to reel back and recuperate. He had to appear as if he wasn’t completely bewitched by her. He had to appear as if he wasn’t so desperate as to just be consumed by his desire for her.

“It’s for all the right reasons.”

Agni above he shouldn’t have asked. Just hearing that response from between her labored breaths was enough to drive the Fire Lord wild even when he knew it was all a miserable lie. None of what they were doing inside this damp and heavy room was in the right. It was sudden. It was brazen. It was desperate. Obscene. Lecherous.

It was a mistake.

Zuko knew that but maybe if he just focused on the burning desire that masked the loneliness he could believe it was a good decision. Plus, it helped that those lustful words from Toph all but confirmed she was completely in tune with his sentiments.

So soft and warm.

Something he just couldn’t pull away from.

Not that Toph let him. She was always someone that saw things through to the end after all and her desperate longing for any form of affection, even if misguided, made her cling on to whatever the Fire Lord offered her.

Perhaps he offered her a little too much.

“It’s yours, Zuko.”

Now that was a confession that was to stay secret for the sake of the Throne.

A swollen belly meant to be hidden from the eyes of a nation.

"What do you mean, Toph? I... I... can't. This is... Mai is back and she- I just can't, ok?"

Now that was a rejection that was to be done for the sake of a haphazard betrothal.

A scathing dismissal that only left the seething resentment of a mother abandoned.