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Kris glared at Susie across the diner table. Not with hostility or any sort of intent, it's simply how they look. Staring without eyes, from behind a messy fringe, in the way that a face can be seen in the front of a car. Susie understood this, but it didn't make her any less uncomfortable. Kris could tell.
"Say it."
Susie spat out a fry, a basket of which she'd been consuming voraciously in a clear attempt to keep her mouth occupied. Kris had barely touched them—not out of disinterest, but because they could tell she was using them to delay the subject. Her eyes darting back and forth between the seat and a B+ Health Rating certificate on the wall betrayed what little nonchalance she had to begin with. The fry stuck against the opposite booth right over Kris's shoulder. Susie reached over and popped it back into her mouth without hesitating.
"What makes you think I've got something to say?" Susie said while chewing.
Kris ran down the list: avoiding eye contact, stress eating, fidgeting, feigning interest in federal health ratings. Rookie maneuvers.
"You make a face when you're thinking of something." If Susie ever found out how easy she was to read they'd be finished.
"The hell I do! You're just weird. And being weird doesn't grant you psychic powers or something." Susie had to seriously consider if this was true. Instead she loaded another fistful of fries into her maw.
"So. Out with it."
"Fine! I hate that you know me so well." (Swallow.)
Susie inspected the wall a few more times, and blew a raspberry launching spittle all over what were now certainly her fries. Then she spoke like she was about to run out of the room. "I... want to take Noelle out on a date tonight."
"...We're literally dating her."
"I know dickhead! I just..." she swallowed another fry whole. "Need some ideas."
"You asked me the same question last week."
"Doesn't make me feel any less stupid askin'," Susie barked, folding her arms and trying to divert eye contact with Kris's headlight stare.
Over the course of the last two months, the far left corner booth at QC's had become an impromptu help desk for Kris to field relationship questions from their two partners. How they'd qualified for the position as the resident guru was a mystery, as they were just as inexperienced as either Susie or Noelle were. Kris recalled their mad scramble through Dess's closet—maybe Noelle took the suggestion that they were "weirdly good at flirting" as seriously as Susie did. They flushed a little. Thankfully Susie was too busy trying not to be noticed to notice.
Kris ate their first of the fries that Toriel's borrowed money had paid for. Ideas percolated to the front of their mind. They could afford to be deliberate. Susie was familiar with their tendency to go silent, especially when they had something on their mind. She was probably just as adept at reading Kris as they were her, even if she didn't realize it. It came naturally to her. Everything between them felt so effortless, you'd think they'd been seeing each other for longer than two months. Susie noticed this time when they turned red.
She smirked. "Cooking up something good, Casanova?" Kris wasn't sure how she knew who that was.
"Thinking on it." A characteristic grin grew across their face.
Susie's requests for advice were often sort of juvenile:
Q. When should I hold her hand?
A. When you're walking with her.
Q. Do cute girls like fake blood?
A. Of course.
Q. Do I stick my tongue out when I kiss her?
This one took some significant explaining and a bit of practice.
But Noelle's turns at the Dreemurr Information Booth were... embarrassing. For both of them.
Q. If Susie pushes me to the ground do you think I should pull her down on top of me? Do I even have the upper body strength for that? I'm not even sure how to get her to push me to the ground to be honest I just really wish she would! Not in a bullying way just like a playful way! Like she does with you! (I suppose a bullying way wouldn't be that bad though...) Kris what's the best way to encourage her to push me to the ground and (fa ha) maybe get on top of me??
A. What.
Q. So if Susie tries to bite me,
Q. Is Susie's tail sensitive,
Q. Should I stick my tongue out when,
The first time Kris deployed the "Out to Lunch" sign, they confidentially strode to another booth and got as far as flagging down a waitress before Noelle dragged them back to the table by their shirt collar.
Noelle usually said goodbye with a little peck on the cheek. It was private, sweet, and less conspicuous than a kiss on the lips. If Kris kept letting thoughts like this intrude on their mind they were never going to finish assembling their proposal. And Susie would start to notice that they were cooking alive.
As delightful as it was to see these two fly-by-wire into each others affection, it was hardly the way they would flirt with Kris. They would not easily forget the dog collar. Keeping that in mind, they choked back a chuckle and forced their grin down into their casual deadpan. It was too late for the warmth to leave their cheeks.
"You should take her out to the woods at midnight and chase her around."
Delivered without a hint of irony.
Kris waited a beat. Maybe this time she'd notice. Maybe this time the jig would be up, and Susie and Noelle would realize their decreasingly subtle attempts at retribution for the incessant teasing that was a substitute for the doting they showed each other. Maybe this time one of Kris's childish tactics for scaring Noelle when they were kids would raise some flags. Maybe they'd gotten sloppy.
Susie beamed.
"That's perfect! I knew I could count on you, Kris!"
Susie shot up, rocking the whole table. She upended the remaining fries into her mouth like a reverse dump truck, paper basket and all, and was out of the building before they could even express any disbelief. Kris glared into their reflection where their cup of juice had been knocked over.
Noelle and Kris walked over from the counter, each with a hot chocolate—Noelle's decadent with whipped cream and sprinkles, and a candy cane she brought from home. Kris's with a glass straw. This was a remarkably bad way to consume a hot drink, and they were waiting for someone to notice. This was the fifth order.
"Come into my office."
Noelle stuck her tongue out at Kris, as if that joke hadn't gotten incredibly stale. They both sat in their usual positions, and Kris resisted the urge to insist she lay down across the diner bench so they could wield the menu and crayons like a clipboard. Some days the booth functioned as an advice panel, and some days as a confessional. Receiving gossip from their partners was more fun, but often no less embarrassing. At least like this Noelle's fantasies were restrained to actual events. Kris kept their sign handy regardless.
They tried to resist the urge to push up imaginary glasses and failed. Noelle grinned and rolled her eyes, but not in any attempt to avoid eye contact. In fact, she always had an uncanny sense for where Kris was looking. They had to seriously consider if she was some kind of psychic. Instead they took a painful sip from their glass straw.
No sooner had Noelle's mug hit the table that her facade dropped completely.
"Kris you are not going to believe the night I had!" She exclaimed with inscrutable excitement. A few droplets sprayed from her mug. Kris assumed their matching inscrutable grin for what they were surely about to hear. She took a breath before speaking in a gallop.
"It was incredible! Susie helped me sneak out past curfew and she took me to this special spot in the woods (that you showed her) and when we got there she tore off her shirt and pounded her chest and roared and I screamed and she chased me through the woods and it was exhilirating and when she caught me she knocked me to the ground so I grabbed her and took her down with me and she landed on top of me and stuck out her and tongue and—Kris? Are you alright?"
Kris was about halfway through eating the laminated QC's menu.
"If you're hungry we could order food... My mom gave me some money for-"
"Mm mff mfkng mmf mm."
"Huh?" Noelle blurted out with a bewildered smile. Kris lowered their chewtoy from their mouth.
"I was fucking with you."
Susie threw her arm over the top of the adjoining diner bench from the booth behind Kris.
"Dude, you were fucking with us?"
"SUSIE? What are you doing here?" Noelle's bewilderment raised by one notch, ranking her at a solid four on their Bewilderment Index.
"Uh. I was hungry? People leave out free food scraps here all the time if you eat it before the waiters do. Also I was waiting my turn."
"You get advice from Kris too!?" Three notches.
"Yeah? And I wanted to know how it went."
"This is a breach of confidentiality," Kris noted.
"But—I—Kris your advice was perfect? It was the best date I've ever been on!?" Noelle protested, eliciting a quiet "nice" from Susie, still in the other booth.
"That's because there's something fundamentally wrong with both of you."
"I dunno Kris, you're dating both of us."
"Yeah, Kris, I think you must have pretty terrible taste in women!" Noelle snickered.
"Dude maybe you're the one who needs relationship advice."
Kris took a seat at the corner booth opposite Noelle and Susie, facing the rest of the diner. It felt wrong. Maybe they shouldn't have agreed to this.
Noelle pretended to skim the menu like a clipboard and Susie adjusted an imaginary pair of glasses while pouting contemplatively.
"Ah, step into my office Mucks Dreemurr," Susie said, attempting the unenviable task of pronouncing "Mx." out loud.
"Yes, we're very excited for your first session, it should be quite enlightening!" Noelle said in a faux haughty accent.
They definitely shouldn't've agreed to this.
"Now, where would you like to begin, Kris?" Noelle asked from behind her "clipboard".
Kris tossed the dog collar unceremoniously onto the table. The bone-shaped metal tag clattered against the countertop. It read "Kris," and below that,"If found, return to Noelle Holiday."
"HEY WE APOLOGIZED FOR THAT!" Noelle screeched, which startled Susie more than the reveal itself. Susie regained her composure quickly; Nolle's hair stood on its ends until she yanked the collar off the table and hid it beside her.
"Yeah, this one super isn't on me. Noelle's the one who ordered it."
"Susie! You were the one making all the dog jokes!"
"Kris was the one howling and pawing at doors, how was I s'posed to know this was a skink."
"DO YOU MEAN A KINK!?" Noelle threw her hands out in front of her in disbelief then quickly snapped them over her mouth, drawing the attention of the whole diner patronage in the process.
"You're the one with the computer, maybe you should've looked it up," Susie retorted.
Kris finally interjected: "She did."
"KRIS DID YOU LOOK THROUGH MY SEARCH HISTORY?"
Susie and Noelle traded blame back and forth while Kris delicately scooped the collar back from Noelle's side with their foot without adjusting their above-table posture. Maybe they were right to come. Maybe they would do this again even, but perhaps without the Accusation Court proceedings. Susie and Noelle's bickering faded into background noise as they slumped into the booth and cupped their chin in their palm, a tint of red and an authentic smile spreading across their cheeks. Eventually their food arrives (courtesy of Carol Holiday) and the squabble truly slowed to a trickle as Noelle was too bashful to continue in front of Catti, and Susie had to shovel pancakes into her mouth like it was a contest. (It was. Kris won.)
Conversation returned sporadically. Susie fidgeted a bit before plainly asking if Kris wanted her and Noelle to stop messing with them. They didn't; the jokes were funny, it was just—
"Fa haha, so what Kris, do you want to chase me around in the woods too?"
"Yes."
Noelle jumped like a deer in Kris's headlights, looking like she might get a nosebleed. Susie was wide-eyed too, but paired with an elated smile. It's a face Noelle makes often.
"Damn dude, maybe you do have good taste in women!"