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He dreams of Baku. There were entire months, he could get by without a single thought. Then his sleeping mind would betray him. Baku would fizzle into being at the edges of a scene, a reminder that they weren't done with each other. But he was always too far away to touch. His smile blurring in the sunlight. His voice bleeding away into the shadows. Sometimes Baekjin woke with a smile, sometimes with blood in his mouth. The days after, his mind would fizzle.
Who is he without the boy that made him?
But whether Baku loved him or hated him, it didn't matter anymore. The path he was on was irreversible. The monsters he'd pledged himself to would haunt him until he died. One of his childhood monsters had been being an orphan. That was until Baku reshaped it with smiles and acceptance in the way only a friend could. Until the orphanage became a refuge for them on the worst nights, a place he could offer as sanctuary.
Every punch belongs to Baku. Every choice was meant to bring them refuge. A way out of their poverty, their desperation. The world pushed them down relentlessly. Why couldn't they push back?
The world was never fair. He was born with something vicious curled inside him, sitting right next to his genius. They were the entwined trees of his heart. When he was young, when Baku was teaching him how to use his fists, he'd hoped Baku could look at his calculations and smile, just like he had before. He'd been a fool. He'd taken Baku's kindness for granted. And it had broken them.
Grief didn't leave him softly, and unfilled desire was its close friend. He wanted his parents back. He wanted a home with someone that loved him. He wanted the Union under his heel and not to be someone's lackey.
All of the things he couldn't have swirled in him like a poison.
He wanted Baku's eyes on his. Baku's shadow in his periphery. Baku's approval. Baku's understanding. Baku Baku Baku. All of him, as Na Baekjin's. For now and forever, from the Union until they owned the whole world. Desire burned through his veins, no matter what he did to squash it. It was the one thing he couldn't smother into perfection.
Na Baek-jin needed Baku by his side. What could he do to get Baku to understand what they could be? If he gave it enough time, Baku would have to understand. This wasn't something they were doing to the innocent. These weren't good people. The world didn't treat them morally. Did they really need to be kind in turn?
Baku didn't seem to care. Not about the money. Not about how good he was at the work Baekjin asked him to do. Not about the fact that he had no other prospects for his future. His eyes faded, and there was only hate left.
It exhausted him. He was so tired of being so far away. And they couldn't seem to get closer. What was his worth if Baku wouldn't stay?