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Spending months of your life in Green Dolphin State Prison was far from ideal. And these past few months were dreadful at worst, repetitive and exhausting at best. Figuring out how to deal with the other prisoners wasn’t too bad, it was mainly minding your own business, even if you had to bite your tongue a couple times. Avoiding this place entirely would’ve been better, but your next best option was choosing the plea deal that let you get a misdemeanor rather than a felony. With the evidence against you, and the felony charge, you didn’t want to risk ruining your life more.
But the one good thing about this place was the man that made you swoon. The man that soothed all of your worries with his presence alone, who was just as intelligent as he was handsome. He made your days here worth it, made you look forward to more than just your release day.
Walking down the halls of the prison, you were so excited to see him again. You almost ran, but knew better than to do that.
Facing the door, you gave it a few gentle knocks before opening the chapel doors. There he was, the sunlight from the windows shining on him, as perfect as ever.
Father Pucci, the man you are.
“Ah, good morning, my child.” His voice was as soothing as ever as he looked up at you. Closing the door, you made your way to him quickly, noticing you were the only one in the chapel other than him.
“Good morning.” You smiled, a little too much. You couldn’t help it, he always brightened your day.
As you approached him, you stood right in front of him, taking note of the passages his Bible was opened to.
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? - Psalms 13:1
“Is there something you seek, or are you here for mere words?” Father Pucci faintly smiled as he shut the Bible, with you looking up at him. Even if he was teasing you, you wouldn’t mind at all.
“I just. . .enjoy it there.” Keeping it vague, you brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. A part of you was eager to confess, even if it would go nowhere. But he made you so happy, and much more comfortable.
“I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s session as well,” he continued. “You’re attentive, I deeply appreciate it. Attentive in many ways, my child.”
You couldn’t tell if he was toying with you, but you leaned against the table a bit.
“T—Thank you, Father.” Feeling yourself get more and more flustered, it was hard to look at his face. Why today?
A moment of silence fell before he spoke up again.
“Are you alright?” He asked, his gaze never faltering. Showing so much concern without so much panic. “You seem more distant, you’re not like this. What troubles you, hm? You were perfectly content yesterday.”
“Nothing! I’m alright!” You quickly replied, admittedly defensively. Far from fine, your emotions were catching up.
Father Pucci held back a chuckle, and placed his hand over his mouth.
“My child, you’re aware that you can come to me for anything.” He spoke, voice smooth as silk. “Me as well as our Heavenly Father.”
“I—I know.”
“You’ve gotten more comfortable regarding prayer and comprehending scripture, I praise your efforts.” he continues. “Out of all my years as a priest here, you’ve been my most devoted.”
“You’re flattering me, Father.” What was with all of his compliments? Was he trying to make you flustered?
As flustered as you felt, there were creeping feelings of guilt in the back of your mind. It’s not like you didn’t believe in God, it’s how you met Father Pucci in the first place. You first came to the chapel to pray after your first week at Green Dolphin, admittedly after a long time of not saying a word to God. However, you stayed for Father Pucci, not for God.
Blasphemous.
“I am simply telling the truth.” Father Pucci flatly yet warmly stated. “Other than that, I can tell you are distressed. Your demeanor shows more than you may realize. So, please, tell me what’s wrong, unless you would rather pray about it.”
“You really can tell.” You muttered to yourself while looking at him, taking a nervous and shaky breath.
“Of course, I’ve gotten to know you over the course of a few months. Not to mention, you’re here daily. It’s only right of me to have insight on you.”
You nodded, feeling the butterflies in your stomach worsen. Fuck, he really does know you. You hated how your emotions were stirring up today, how you were getting increasingly flustered despite seeing him daily for the past few months.
“It’s nothing horrible. . .” You tried phrasing it. Was it a sin to crush on a Priest? It’s not the worst thing in the world, but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t feel wrong.
When you paused, Father Pucci kept his gaze on you. He didn’t speak up, didn’t dare interrupt, he was ever-so-patient.
Might as well speak up, and dare not to lie.
“I just have feelings for a guy, that’s all. . .” Keeping it vague, you hoped he didn’t pry, although you knew he might.
“Feelings, huh? Well, that’s nowhere near horrible.” He spoke, his tone mostly the same. However, there was a hint of something else. Was it sarcasm? Knowing? Skepticism? It was so specific but so unknowing. “Tell me, what makes you so shy regarding this man?”
The moment he asked that, you looked down for a second to compose your breath. What makes you so shy about this man? Thinking about him, how he’s always been there for you, his demeanor so wise and calming, all while having such a charming face. Oh, God, why call the perfect man to priesthood?
“A lot.” You clammed up again. No, you can’t do it. No sharing your feelings about him to him. Not like it would do you any good, no way he would quit priesthood to be with you. And even if he did, the guilt would be crushing. “Sorry, Father, I’d rather not get into the little details.” You waved your hand a bit.
“No pressure, my child, it’s your comfort level. I would just like you to know you can come to me for anything, or even pray for anything.”
“Again, thank you.” You couldn’t help but let out a smile of relief and fluster.
Pray for anything, he says. What would you even pray to God for? The one man you’ve fallen in love with will never be into you, and changing that would not leave you feeling satisfied. Some of you wished to pray to God to rid you of your feelings, but Father Pucci brought you so much joy, you wanted to retain those feelings, even if they will forever be unreciprocated.
“But do tell, are you unable to be with this man? Is that why this seems to burden your heart?” Father Pucci asked as you quickly noted his tone changed to a tinge of intrigue, with the edge of his lip slightly raised.
Your eyes raised, it caught you off guard. It wasn’t the most far-fetched observation, nor the most difficult to note. And were you really expecting less from Father Pucci? He may be the most intelligent and insightful man you know.
“You know me all too well.” You let out a nervous chuckle as you nodded. “It’s a little embarrassing, isn’t it?”
“Feelings aren’t embarrassing, my child, it’s natural.” Father Pucci calmly said, but you noticed a subtle shift of expression in his eyes. “But it’s essential to not let those feelings get the best of your mind, and don’t lose your sense either.” he briefly paused. “Now, you’re unable to be with this man, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Why, if you don’t mind me posing the question?”
You froze up a bit.
“I won’t judge, I’m just gaining insight. It would be a bit easier to help you this way, you know.” His voice was comforting, and eerily. . .knowing? “Is he in a committed relationship? Would your family not approve? Is he of a different religion than you, if that matters to you.”
He leaned a bit closer.
“Or is he in a position that forbids him from a romantic endeavor?”
You knew he got your ass when he said that, and you couldn’t help it as your face turned beet red.
“Am I that obvious?” Your voice softened up as you asked, being far too embarrassed to speak up. Your mind was racing, how did he know? Perhaps you underestimated Father Pucci’s insightfulness, but this felt like a blow to the chest.
“Yes, my child. I will not sugarcoat things, you are far from subtle.” As Father Pucci spoke, you finally realized he had a hint of condescension in his voice. How could a voice be so warm, so gentle, and oh so all knowing? “Still, as I stand, it’s nothing to be embarrassed by. Feelings are only human, it’s how God created us. And even if I cannot reciprocate or give you the relationship you may desire, it flatters me.”
“F—Flatters?” Shocked. That was the only word for this, shocked. You couldn’t even hide your blushing expression from him if you wanted to, but you didn’t expect him to be flattered. But what’s there to be flattered by? You were in prison with a plain, almost dirty appearance, and no shining qualities. He was quite literally the perfect example of man; handsome, intelligent, insightful, calming, and faithful, even if your relationship with religion was complicated.
“Yes, flatters.” He repeated a bit firmly. “Does that shock you, my child?”
“I—It does.” You admitted. You avoided speaking so you wouldn’t sound like a complete pity party, but realistically speaking, he was better than you in every way.
“Do not sell yourself short.” He spoke up, watching your expression as his eyes didn’t waver. “Give yourself more credit, you’re making an effort, are you not?”
He briefly paused, and your mind began to race.
It’s not like you didn’t enjoy the teachings of the gospel, but you wouldn’t even be in the chapel if you didn’t like him. Was your effort to spend more time with Father Pucci, or because of your love for God.
You didn’t want God thinking you didn’t love him, because that felt false.
“Besides, it’s flattering to know you see me in a positive light.” He spoke up again. “Even if you cannot be with me, you know what to look for in any future romantic endeavors you wish to pursue. At the risk of sounding arrogant, you have a good eye.”
You didn’t expect his words at all, but nodded as you listened. It felt good that he was so kind about the crush, since it was partially embarrassing on your behalf.
“A word of advice, pick a man with a good heart and a man of good faith.” He continued to speak. “You should be past the stage where you pick what they call ‘bad boys’ because of adolescent hormonal thrill.”
Did he sound. . .annoyed?
“Y—You’re a man of good heart and faith.” You muttered by accident, as if it slipped from your tongue, before you put your hand over your mouth. Looking down in embarrassment, there was a lull of a few awkward moments of silence.
“With all due respect, Father Pucci, I value what you’re saying to me.” You composed yourself, and began to speak. “I just don’t think many men of good heart and faith would want a girl with my record.” you made a hand gesture to your prison uniform, and the surroundings.
“You never know what fate holds for you, that is something only God can know.” He simply spoke, and you couldn’t tell his reaction too much. “I am simply saying to not lose hope, whether you wish for a romantic relationship in the future or not.”
“It’s just. . .you’re probably the only man of good heart and faith that would accept me.” You softly admitted, even if you knew you shouldn’t. Not like he would abandon the priesthood for you.
“As much as I appreciate the kind words, do not let your romantic feelings delude you.” His voice was an odd mixture of warmth and coldness.
“I know. . .” You bit your tongue, wanting to say more. Not expecting him to reciprocate, and you knew you weren’t getting the happy ending you wanted. Just maybe you can get to know his reasoning.
It’s as if Father Pucci took note of your demeanor, his face was a bit analytical as he took a breath. He studied your expression, and he was a man that balanced warm and icy behavior.
“My words may sound blunt, and I’m aware they’re not what you wish to hear.” He didn’t soften up exactly, his tone remained the same. “I only wish to guard your heart, and avoid you from strolling on the wrong path. You understand that, do you?”
Oddly enough, his words warmed your heart. It was so kind, so sweet of him. He wasn’t a man of deep sentimentality, but he was a man of deep emotional intelligence.
“I appreciate it, Father Pucci, please trust me.”
“I do, and the human heart can often be irrational.” He continued to speak. “You may wish that I was not a priest, but I am confident that you have the sense to know I would not abandon the priesthood. My calling is this, my calling is to God, and one of the tradeoffs for a priest is no romantic endeavors.”
“Doesn’t that ever make you sad?” You softly asked, the question hitting your mind. Most people desire romantic relationships, no doubt some religious personnel might have those feelings even if they are happy with their choice in life.
“No, not in the slightest.” He bluntly yet somehow softly answered. “I do not wish for romance or marriage, it’s beyond me. God calls some individuals to singleness, and it’s often a gift. Think of the apostle Paul and our savior Jesus, both unmarried and without relations.”
You nodded, his answer was intriguing. Not like you imagined Father Pucci to be the romantic type anyway, but it was a different feeling hearing his words.
“Your heart may ache now, but I am not who fate destined you to be with, even if you may think otherwise.” Father Pucci spoke up again, his gaze never leaving your eyes.
“Fate. . .” Whispering to yourself, the idea floated in your mind. Truthfully, his words were comforting, even if they weren’t reciprocations of your heart.
“What is fate to you, Father Pucci?” It dawned on you.
“Fate. . .” He replied, a hint of a smile in his mouth. “Fate is our inevitable path, pre-determined for every single soul, being, and even object in this universe. Fate is what God has carved out, for he knows the beginning and the end, and all in between.”
“Is it truly unavoidable? What if I wanted to change the course of my fate?”
“You cannot alter the course of your fate, for it is written for you preemptively. You are where you’re meant to end up, no matter how many times you wish to alter the course of fate. We as humans are helpless to God’s will.”
“What’s the logic behind that, then? The logic behind fate, and God’s will?”
Father Pucci seemed pleased that you shifted the topic, and your eyes sparkled with a mix of curiosity and affection once again.
“Do you remember how I mentioned everything in this universe is intertwined?” He spoke, gesturing to the area around him. “How are we all alive right now? How the cells in our bodies work to keep us alive, how the ecosystem balances itself out, how so many things go further than simple coincidences. Do you simply think it’s a mere coincidence that we are all alive right now?”
You nodded as he kept speaking, as the questions pondered in your mind.
“As everything is intertwined, so is our fate and the plan God has for us.” He continued to speak. “People would be much happier if they simply accepted their fate with zero resistance. It’s unavoidable as the air we breathe, so we must surrender and trust God’s plan for the universe.”
“But how would we know our fate, Father Pucci?”
At that moment he was about to speak, he paused. He didn’t look confused, but rather, it was a look of hesitation. Biting his tongue back, as his eyes looked analytical rather than lost.
“Simply accept what you cannot change, embrace what God gives you, and submit.” His answer sounded oddly condensed, you got the small feeling he was hiding more. “Of course, this goes hand in hand with your prayer and understanding the word of God.”
“You make it sound so easy.” You lightly joked.
He softened up a bit once again.
“Funny one, and while it may not be as easy as walking, it’s easier than you may assume.” He replied, as he shifted his topic. “Going back to what you’ve said, my child, your fate is carved out for you, and I am not in your fate as a romantic partner. Surrender and accept this, you will be happier this way, I assure you.”
“I—I will, thank you.” His words stung yet were comforting, the poison and the antidote at once.
Why couldn’t you alter the course of fate? Is there another universe where you can be with Father Pucci? Granted, he wouldn’t be a priest in that universe, but your selfish desire to have him crept in your mind. But does another universe even exist? Is there a million chances, everything, and everywhere, or is this the only shot?
Father Pucci then glanced outside the window as the sun shone through, and then at the clock.
“My apologies, but today is a busy day for me.” He spoke gently once again. “I wish this could be like the other days where we could speak for hours, but I must attend to my duties.”
“That’s no worries, I remember you telling me. I’m grateful that we got to talk today.”
You both waved as he began walking off, and you spoke up,
“Can we continue this topic in depth?”
The moment you said that, his eyes lightened up. Not in an overt way, but a sight knowing smile on his face crept up, and you knew him well enough to spot his happiness.
“Of course, I’d be delighted.” Father Pucci replied as he did a final wave. “Until then, take care of yourself.”
“Bye!” You smiled and waved as he walked off, and you did as well.
Walking back, your mind was flooded with emotions. Not only about your romantic feelings for Father Pucci, but fate. How much in depth can he get? Knowing Father Pucci, a lot. His words were always soothing to hear, he can talk about anything and it would entrance you.
Not like your feelings for him could vanish in a day. Yes, there is realism in knowing nothing could blossom between you both. It’s not the path God carved for you, it’s not where fate leads you, even if fate has allowed your paths to cross.
Unfortunately, the human heart is a lot more complicated than that.