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“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Lexa was walking in the halls toward the lunchroom to get a bag of Doritos.
She had a dollar in hand and was making a bee line to the vending machine when she heard crying.
She walked toward the noise. When she rounded the corner she stopped dead in her tracks.
There on the floor right in front of her was Clarke Griffin.
The Clarke Griffin, Arkadia School’s Heart Throb, and the most beautiful girl Lexa has ever laid eyes on, sitting on the floor crying.
Lexa simply starred for a minute or two until she turned around and headed back to the vending machine in the lunchroom.
When Lexa returned to the corner she weighed a dollar lighter and one chip bag heavier.
She carefully walked up to the crying girl and whispered "Clarke?"
The girl looked up with tear stained cheeks "Go away. Can't you see I'm busy?"
“Crying is not something worth being called busy” Lexa replied “Studying for our calculus finale is being busy, beating your little brother’s high score in Halo is being busy.” Lexa continued
Clarke looked at Lexa like she was an alien “Well what would you call it, I'm sad okay. What else am I supposed to do?” She questioned
“Being sad is fine Clarke, but crying is useless. It won't change the problem and in all truth neither will being sad.”
“Why are you even hear?!” Clarke snapped.
The response she was given surprised her.
“I don't really know you. And while I don't know why you’re sad, I do know that every person in a Doritos commercial looks happy. Experts will say it's because they are eating Doritos. And your pretty smart so I can tell that you know being sad is not being happy. So I thought I might change that.” Lexa said and then she tentatively pulled her hand from behind her back and held a Doritos chip bag in front of Clarke.
Clarke just starred at the bag and Lexa was about to leave when she heard Clarke sniffle a little bit.
She then sat down a few feet from Clarke and being emptying her bag
“What are you doing?” Clarke’s voice cracked slightly when she asked.
Lexa looked up but did not reply, instead she turned her head down and continued to dig through her bag till she found a small pack of tissues.
She opened them up, took one out, and skooched closer to Clarke until their faces were only a few feet away.
She brought her hands to Clarke’s face and gently grabbed the blonde girls chin than proceeded to delicately wipe the fallen tears away.
As she dried Clarkes cheeks, Lexa spoke again.
“I know that sometimes talking to a stranger about something that's bothering you is better than talking to someone you know. It’s easier.” She pulled her hand away but kept eye cotact as she continued “If you share the thoughts inside your head with your family it becomes their burden to bear along with yours, a stranger might never see you again resulting in your burden becoming theirs and then dissolving into thin air.”
“You’re not a stranger though” Clarke said as she looked away.
Lexa took out another tissue when Clarke started to cry again and spoke once more “I never said I was but who’s to say I’m not. Just know that I'd be more than happy to carry your burden.”
And with that Lexa handed the tissue pack over to Clarke, pocketed the used ones, stood up and started to walk away.
She was just about to turn the corner when the sound of Clarke’s quivering voice stopped her.
“Your name is Lexa woods.” Clark took a breath and Lexa stilled not turning around, but not leaving.
Clarke continued speaking “You’re a senior at Arkadia High School, you hated earth science with Mr. Pike ever since he gave you a failing grade on your science project because you’re the captain of the Grounders soccer team.” She closed her eyes and went on.
“You eat the same salad every day, you have Greene eyes and you moved here with your older sister in 8th grade because your” she paused for a moment “because your parents died and you needed to move in with your uncle Gustus” she quickly shot out.
Another pause, she stopped for a second gathering her thoughts as Lexa turned around.
“You’ve been here since 8th grade but I didn't talk to you till last year.” Clarke finished and looked up.
They starred at each other and Lexa understood the silent plea in Clarke’s eyes
You’re not a stranger but I treated you like one. Please act like a stranger one more time so I can tell you why I’m crying.
Lexa walked up to her and spoke as she closed in on Clarke.
“I'm not asking Clarke griffin or the all might pay wanheda from the school play, not even the girl who spent her entire summer painting the best mural our school has,” Lexa paused as she sat down next to Clarke.
“Right now I'm asking the girl whose crying in the middle of the hallway on a Friday afternoon. Right now I’m asking a stranger why she is crying because while I know your eyes are blue, and that you got an A+ on that science project, that you hate peanut butter but always eat Ravens extra PB & J sandwich at lunch, and that you have lived here your whole life, you only started talking to me last year and” Lexa paused and moved in front of Clarke once again and grabbed Clarkes face.
“I do not know why you’re crying. Therefore we are strangers in this moment.”
Clarke looked at her as if she was everything and didn’t know what to say. She then simply opened the bag of chips and held the bag up for Lexa to take one.
Lexa went back to sitting with her shoulders brushing Clarkes. They sat silently with a chips in their hands and they both waited. Lexa for Clarke to tell her why she was crying and Clarke for reasons even she was unsure of.
They waited and ate together in silence. It wasn’t until the bag was empty that Clarke spoke again “How did you deal with it? Did you go up to random strangers and just talk till your mouth was dry and your throat hurt?”
Lexa knew Clarke was not talking about her parents. She sighed then answered with a simple “No. I write letters”
“To who?” Clarke asked. The question was innocent and yet held a million different possibilities.
“Well that depends. I write to no one, anyone, and everyone and I send them nowhere, anywhere and everywhere.” She paused collecting her thoughts.
“When I write I never know who is going to be reading it so when I write it's to a stranger. I don't change my writing thinking that Anya will read it and laugh at me or that Miss. Harper is going to grade it and fail me.” Clarke chuckled at the thought of their English teacher.
“I just write my pure and raw emotions and I keep writing even if my finger ache and my wrists are sore. I keep writing even of tears cloud my eyes and make it hard to see which makes my hand writing come out sloppy.” Clarke rested her head upon Lexa’s shoulder and grabbed her hand lacing their fingers together.
“I write fast if the emotions are too much and slow if I can't feel anything at all. I write until I feel empty and my burdens are set in the stone that is ink and paper.” Clarke stroked Lexa’s hand with her thumb and listened.
“And when I’m done writing the letters I burn them. Making those burdens no longer mine or the papers. And while they are never forgotten, for a little while they are lost and in the moment when I can smell fire and ash has lightly stained my fingertips, for a moment I think they'll never be found.”
Lexa finished and Clarke picked up her head to look at her, then away at the lockers cascading the hallway walls.
They fell silent again, both content and both waited.
Clarke looked back at Lexa then said “My dad died.”
It was saying those simple three words that already had Clarke feel lighter.
“He committed tax fraud and all my mother had to do was say that he was innocent. But she didn’t, she testified against him and he went to jail. He was taken away before I could say goodbye. He had a heart attack and died in his cell. I never got to say goodbye and it’s because of her.”
Lexa let the knowledge marinate in her mind and then she stood up.
Clarke’s world stopped in the fear Lexa was leaving her just like everybody else had. Her mind raced a million miles an hour and only stopped when Lexa spoke again.
“Then this burden of sadness and pain is not yours to carry, Clarke. It is your mothers.”
Lexa put her hand out for Clarke to take and kept talking.
“Let's go and forget about it, forget this burden, and forget what then word death means for a second. Come with me and let's lose it.”
Clarke took her hand and pulled herself up and nodded looking at Lexa like she was everything. And in the moment, she was.
Lexa pulled off her leather jacket and put on Clarke. She then handed her a helmet and they got on the bike.
“Hold on”
Was all Lexa said as they sped off into the soon to be night leaving both their backpacks in Clarke's locker.
Clarke hold on Lexa’s was the only thing tethering them to reality.
They drove for what felt like hours. The sky was dark and the moon illuminated the night and the streets. No cars were on the road and aside from the sounds of Lexa’s bike no sounds could be heard.
They drove for what felt like hours until they reached a beach.
Lexa parked her bike and they both got off it. Both taking off their shoes and leaving them alongside the sand. Clarke intertwined hands and walked to the water.
Summer was approaching soon. Along with finales and graduation.
They walked with toes in the sand for ages in silence until Lexa finale spoke
“Costia” is all she said
Clarke looked at her, she already knew.
Lexa also knew that Clarke knew but continued anyway “She was the one I wrote about after it happened... And for a while I would write to her and only about her.”
“What happened?” Clarke asked, the words laced with want and hesitation for she might not like the answer she got.
“I found someone else to write about” Lexa answered
They stopped walking and it was dead silent the only sound was the crashing of the waves.
Lexa reached into the pocket of her jacket that Clarke was wearing and pulled out a letter. She then handed it to Clarke.
As Clarke read the letter she pulled out a lighter from her pants pocket
Dear Costia
People grow and I guess I changed
When she first spoke to me my heart suddenly rearranged.
The letter was simple, it was a poem. It was written to Costia, it was written for Clarke.
Lexa lit the light and brought it to the letter, about to set the words a flame when Clarke pulled it back slightly.
“You want these feelings lost forever?” Clare's asked feeling small all of the sudden.
Lexa saw the girl crying in the hallway a few hours ago all over again. Her eyes dared from Clarke’s, to the letter, to the lighter, then back to Clarke.
Her words heavy as she spoke “You read it” she stated.
“It is your burden now. Whether their lost or found it up to you”
The heavy words made Clarke feel light. As if she was on one end of a balance scale and the words were on the other. Lifting her up as they sunk once they were spoken. She no longer felt exposed.
They were in the middle of nowhere on an empty beach in the void between dusk and dawn.
Standing with their toes in the sand, frozen in time and away from reality when Clarke dipped the letter into the flame and watched as it burned
When it was nothing but ash she said “Finding your burdens might help me lose mine.”
And with that Lexa leaned wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist. Their lips met and everything fell into place.
Clarke’s fingers nipped at the baby hairs on the back of Lexa’s neck as for the first time in a long time she felt big. And in that moment she swears that they were infinite.
Dear Costia,
Today's the day. It's been years since I first saw her, years since the night I spoke about you out loud to someone other than my therapist. Years since I kissed her and years since my world changed forever. I think about the times I used to wonder whether or not you would have liked her and now it's finally clear... You would have loved her. And as she's walking down the aisle I see her and she is beautiful.
Love Lexa