Chapter Text
T/W:Cancer
October 3rd
I am starting this diary, because I might be dying. I might be dying, and I don’t want to miss a word of this time. Not one moment. On my sister’s birthday, I am thinking of death.
Not to say that this day has been all bad. Today we got to eat cake and give Cass presents.
One week ago, I passed out at work while I was mopping aisle 9. Fortunately, I am still under my parent’s insurance and I was able to go to the doctor. Unfortunately, I have cancer and may or may not survive. 50/50 chance the doctors said.
So today, after work, I returned home to my parents, and they walked around eggshells around me, and didn’t even bug me about watching YouTube straight after work, instead of cleaning my messy room. Yes, I am 25, and still live with my parents. I pay a bit of rent and I don’t do anything stupid with my money. Cut me some slack.
Cass walked into my room, and jumped on the bed. “Mom wants to know what pizza toppings you want.” Her eyes were sad. She was clearly still upset about my cancer diagnosis. Not that I can blame her, but it’s hard for me to be comforting when I am a walking time bomb.
“Pineapple, spinach, cherry tomatoes, and pineapples.” She rolled her eyes at me.
“Ok, I get it.”
“And pineapples.”
“oh my god, you are so lame. Lame..” She stuck her tongue at me, but also hugged me.
“I’ll tell her. Afterwards, want to watch a vid together?” No, I didn’t. I wanted to be alone. Even despite the fact that I might have a limited time left with my family, I wanted to stay in my room and watch people that I have never met, but inspired me so much, that I felt like I had known them my whole life.
“Sure, whatever you want to watch. “ I smiled at her. At least I hope I smiled. I may have grimaced.
Cass ran upstairs and returned and we watched Part one of Jacksepticeye’s Undertale playthrough. It was my bizillionth time watching it, but I still loved it. Cass and I quoted it often. Finally, after dinner, Cass blew out the candles on her cake, and she opened her presents. Mom and dad got her clothes and some books that she wanted. I eagerly waited for her to open my presents. Finally, she opened the first one. “Tiny box Tim.” The other one was much bigger than the other one, and was clearly something very soft. Finally she opened it. “Septic Sam!”
My mom looked concerned at the green monstrosity. Cass loved plushies. She has been collecting them since she was 6 and went to Build-A-Bear for the first time. I had no problem adding to her collection.
“How much was that?” My mom asked me. I just shrugged at her and didn’t answer. She let that go. She knew I was not having the best week of my life.
Cass hugged my enthusiastically. “Thank you so much.”
She also hugged my parents.
I’m glad that Cass had a good birthday, but I’m still reeling from the fact that I might miss the rest of her birthdays.
I’m not going to say the type of cancer. Does it even matter? Maybe when I get past how scary this all is, I will be able to, but not now.
I haven’t started my life yet, and I haven’t gotten to the good part of my story. I want to travel. I want to go to conventions and meet my idols. I want to go out and change the world, and make a difference. I want to create something that people will love. I have never been able to do anything yet. I want that to happen. What if I never get a chance to now?
October 4th:
For months, I had been eyeing a convention that Jacksepticeye was going to attend. It’s next weekend. As broke as I am, I still have enough money for tickets for two days. I am sure that I can make it in a day’s drive. I am an adult(though I sometimes act like a teenager). My car is crappy, but it’s functional enough to go a few states over. It is irresponsible to waste money on things when you are broke, but I might be dead by next year. Any of us could be, so maybe tickets to this convention is worth it, for the two minutes of happiness that I will get by meeting Jack and getting his autograph.
I want to live my life knowing that I had a chance to meet someone that I admired, and that I didn’t die wasting opportunities. He never comes this close to me. Never.
I won’t go to any other conventions that he will be at this year, because chemo is going to make me so tired, I don’t know if I will be able to enjoy it.
The biggest reason of all that I want to go is that I want to take Cass. I have told her that I would take her to see Jack someday, and I don’t know if that day will ever happen. Mom keeps telling me that I shouldn’t think like that, but it’s true. I don’t know. Cass is the best person in the world, and I want her to meet JackSepticEye. More selfishly than that, I want to be there when she meets him for those few moments with him. I need to make that happen.
I bought the tickets.
October 5th:
Mom is letting Cass go with me. She was so angry at me for wasting my money on the tickets, but when I convinced her that I had been saving my money so well, that it wasn’t that bad, and that this trip will be a good thing to do before I start my treatment, She caved pretty easily. We leave October 9th. The convention starts October 10th. Jack will be there October 11th.
Cass bounced up and down when I told her I bought the tickets. Neither of us have ever been to a convention before.
Cass and I are a lot closer than most of my friend’s siblings. We are 12 years apart in age, yet we love the same things. Then again, I am old enough where I look out for her and can be very protective.
“He is so signing my plushie.”
“Is that a good idea?”
“It’s not my fault that you didn’t buy me a shirt instead of a plushie.”
“Well, now I know not to get you anything for Christmas, if this is the thanks I am going to get from you.” I teased my sister.
“Ugh, you’re the worst.” Cass and I sat and talked in my room, as she put on some of her crappy music that I didn’t really understand, but tolerated, because I loved her.
I used to recommend videos to Cass. Then when she got older, she had friends that influenced her tastes, and I didn’t help her find new things as nearly as much as I once did. Fortunately, that was a good thing, because she ended up recommending to me Jack and Markiplier’s videos. We talk about them a lot. We watch them and quote them on a regular basis.
I know I’m in my 20s. I shouldn’t be wasting my time watching videos online, right? But, I do. It makes me so happy. I don’t know why. I am sure there is a reason. Maybe it’s because two men around the same age of me have found something they love to do, and that watching them share their humor and their joy with me gives me hope that I will find the same thing someday. I don’t know. Or maybe I just think they’re funny and there is no hidden meaning behind any of it.
But we didn’t talk about any of this earlier as we sat in my room and hung out. We just laughed at each other and made stupid jokes. And it means everything to me.
October 6th
I can’t sleep. All I am thinking of is my life. I am so scared. Not just of dying, but of dying before I accomplish anything.
I graduated from college a few years ago, and ever since then, I have just been floating around from place to place and from job to job. Cafes. Grocery stores. Movie theaters. I have been doing what I can to make money, but not necessarily anything that makes money that I can live on in the long term. This nonprofit job I have been doing part time with my grocery store job has been great, but one, I don’t feel like I am helping enough people, and two, I don’t love doing this either.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t think I’m talented or good enough at anything. When is my life going to start? After chemotherapy? After the surgery that I will get if it shrinks my tumor down enough? I don’t know anything.
October 8th
A few days until I leave to see Jack. Cass has been jumping up and down with the excitement. My mom is still pretty sour over me spending money on the tickets, but when I reminded her that I had enough money to handle it, she seemed to get over it. I made a promise to my sister to take her to Jacksepticeye, and now that my future is uncertain, I wanted to make that happen now. I’m lucky I am able to do that. Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s luck. I have no idea, but I am fortunate.
I try not to accept too many things for my mom, but I did accept money for gas and food. She would have been even more worried sick if she hadn’t given me those things just in case.
October 11th
This morning, Mom made sure Cass and I remembered everything for the trip. I tried really hard not to get annoyed. I know she means well, but once again, I am an adult. Yes, I live with my parents, but I still take care of my responsibilities, and try my best to be an adult. I didn’t argue though. It would be a long three days if I were to leave arguing with my well-meaning mom. Cass and I hit the road at around 9am. I avoided stopping too much, and I promised her we could stop more on the way back. I reminded her that we have been on this route before anyway. There wasn’t much to see. After only stopping to eat at diners and get gas, we got to the hotel in six hours.
I ordered pizza to the room for the two of us. Half pepperoni. Half mushrooms. Cass looked at the mushrooms in disgust, but didn’t comment on the fungus infected pizza.
I decided to take a walk around the hotel, and made sure Cass locked the door. The hotel is actually not that bad I should add. It could have been really crappy. But when I booked it, I made sure that it was far enough from the convention that it would be cheaper, but close enough that the drive wouldn’t be that bad. In my opinion, a 30 minute drive each day isn’t that bad. I stepped outside to the indoor pool area and went for a small swim, and when I got out, I walked past a man in a Jacksepticeye T-shirt.
Before my socially anxious brain could stop me, I blurted out. “Screw you Billy!” He stopped in his tracks and laughed. “Wow, finally someone who recognized the shirt.”
“I am surprised you’re wearing it today. I was sure that you would wait until Saturday so you can get it signed.”
“I meant to, but I kind of forgot all of my clothing. And the shirt I had when I drove over here is now covered in coffee. So it’s this shirt. Good thing the hotel has a washer, right?”
“I assume. You are here for the convention.”
“Yeah, I am. My name is Seth btw.”
“I’m Tessa.”
We talked for 30 minutes. We agreed to definitely trade stories about our convention experiences together and to talk to each other on Facebook or something.
When I returned, I showered and laid in our bed. Cass was already droopy eyed and lying down.
“I am so excited for tomorrow.”
I almost didn’t respond. I was so excited for tomorrow as well.
But it was obvious.
“I am too. Whatever happens, happens.