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“We’re seriously letting her come with us again?”
“She needs something to do,” Natalie murmurs, watching as Jackie layers furs over her letterman. Most of the girls don’t bother with their appearance once they’ve figured out the warmest configuration, but Jackie changes her style up every so often. Once a queen bee, always one, Nat supposes. “Away from all this.”
“She could barely carry a water bucket when we first crashed,” Travis says. “She pointed a gun at you.”
“Because she’s an awful shot. Not because she hates me.”
“You know I trust your judgment, Nat, but—”
“Are the two of you gonna stop gossiping about me?” Jackie speaks up, glaring at them from the porch. “Because I’m coming with you either way. You just have to decide how uncomfortable it’s gonna be.”
Travis sighs and takes a few steps forward. “Jackie, I know you want to prove yourself. But you don’t have—”
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m doing this for you to shut up?” she interrupts. “I’m not hung up over our night together, Travis. You shouldn’t be either.”
Natalie blinks. She’s still not used to Jackie being like this, to the sharper edges she usually shaves down—or that soften around Shauna, rather. But no one can deny the shift after Doomcoming.
Everyone knows what happened. Misty spiked the booze. Jackie and Travis had sex. Shauna and Lottie and half the other girls went on a hallucinogen-fueled hunt with Travis as their prey. Shauna is having Jeff’s baby.
Everyone knows, they just ignore it. Because unfortunately, if they’re going to survive a wilderness winter wonderland, they have to work together. So more often than not, Nat bites her tongue for the good of the group.
But they assaulted Travis. They nearly killed him. She’s less angry at Jackie for fucking him, because at least they were technically broken up. But Nat doesn’t know how she can ever forgive the rest of her teammates. Every time she tries to comfort Travis, tries to help him, he recoils like she slapped him.
He mumbles more than he talks. He can’t make eye contact with Lottie. He’s withdrawn even more into himself than ever. It doesn’t help that Javi is still missing—that Natalie knows Travis will search for his brother until he finds his bones or becomes them himself.
Maybe her teammates were so fucking high out of their minds that they truly had no idea what was happening, that it didn’t feel real, but it didn’t matter—it was very real to Travis. He might want to ignore it as much as they do, but his body holds the score that his mind threw off.
Things are so incredibly, unbelievably fucked up right now—but at least Jackie is trying to make things right. At least she’s helping search for Javi, even if it might be out of her own clawing desire to get away from the friends that exiled her to a night in the cold.
Even if she hasn’t apologized for what she did with Travis.
But Natalie isn’t stupid, and she knows the warning signs, and Jackie might be an asshole but she is not going to let another one of her teammates die out here.
Natalie and Travis glance at each other. He gives her a look.
Seriously?
She gives one back.
Yes.
He sighs and nods, walking back to let Nat take the lead.
“We’re just… surprised, is all,” she attempts. “You’ve never been one for all this.”
“I don’t have much choice, do I?” She pushes the clasps of the seatbelt together, tugging on the furs to confirm that they’re secured. “Only other option is cabin fever with all my biggest fans.”
“You’ve been out with us for the past two weeks,” Natalie says. “You’re out searching for game in hip deep snow—no one else is doing that. You’ve more than proven your worth.”
She huffs bitterly. “You try telling that to Shauna.”
“Shauna doesn’t hate you.”
“Well, I hate her.” She tightens the straps then looks up at the two of them. “Are we going or not? Because I didn’t wake up this early to chat.”
“We still have to get Lottie’s blessing,” Travis says.
Jackie scoffs. “We’re drinking blood tea. You seriously believe it does anything?”
He shrugs, a bit uncomfortable. “We’re still alive. Maybe it’s helping Javi too.”
She shakes her head in disbelief but Natalie holds up her free hand before she can start. “It makes them all feel better. Lot’s definitely awake by now, so let’s just… do it, and get it over with.”
Travis nods, Jackie groans.
They enter the cabin as quietly as possible so as to not wake the rest of their sleeping teammates. Lottie is sitting by the window as usual, her eyes darting over to them as they file in.
“I thought you might’ve already left,” she says.
Natalie forces a quick smile. “Not without your good luck.”
Lottie looks at her with those dark, quiet eyes—she doesn’t believe in her wilderness Wicca bullshit, but she still feels like Lottie can see right into her soul.
She doesn’t believe, but she understands why the others do. They need a light to latch onto in the darkness.
Maybe that’s why it’s different for her. Natalie knows the darkness all too well.
Her gaze lands on Jackie. “Has anything changed?”
She scoffs, crossing her arms as she looks away. “What do you think?”
Lottie just nods and starts going through the motions. Dirt on the palms, smoke in the air, blood in their tea. Natalie always keeps an eye on Travis through it all, trying to be as subtle as possible so he doesn’t feel smothered, but it reminds her why she goes through this every morning.
He really does believe it. That his brother is alive, that Lottie’s ritual is doing something for them—for Javi. It gives him hope.
At this point, Nat would be a fool to take that away from him. Or very, very cruel.
Jackie is less convinced, and she doesn’t even try to hide it with her clenched jaw and hardened gaze. It’s useless trying to fight Lottie, though, especially with the support she’s garnered—at least Jackie has learned that.
“It saved you, you know,” Lottie murmurs as Jackie reluctantly takes her sip of tea. She nearly spits it out.
“Don’t start, Lottie,” she bites.
“It was meant to snow that night.” Her voice is calm as ever, still as the cabin air. She’s always above it all—the arguments, the bitterness, their mortal plights. “It didn’t.”
“And how do you know that?” she questions, taking a step towards her. Travis holds his breath. “Did you want me to die, Lottie? Is that the only appropriate punishment for taking what wasn’t mine?”
Well. Jackie has kind of learned that.
She meets Jackie’s scorned gaze with quiet reverence. “The wilderness saved you for a reason. I don’t know what it is.”
“Fuck you, Lottie,” Jackie spits, throwing the cup to the ground. Water spills all over the wooden planks and some of the lighter sleepers begin to stir. “Fuck you, and your blood tea, and your wilderness—”
Okay. Maybe she hasn’t learned it at all.
“Come on, Jackie,” Nat intercedes. She grabs her hand and drags her out the door before she gets the chance to piss off the team once again.
Travis shuts the door behind them as Jackie pulls away, whirling around to face Nat with fire in her eyes.
“Whose side are you on, Natalie?” she demands.
She laughs in disbelief. “I’m not on anyone’s side—”
“Don’t give me that,” she says. “Everyone’s on someone’s side here, and it’s pretty obvious that side isn’t mine. Why else do you think I ended up outside after everyone fucked me over?”
“I’m on our side,” Nat insists, “the Yellowjackets side.”
“Real utilitarian of you,” Jackie mocks. “Did you lose your backbone out in the snow?”
“Stop it, Jackie,” Travis speaks up. “If you wanna be a part of the hunting group, you can’t pull this shit.”
“Well, you’re just as crazy as the rest of them.” She crosses her arms as she glares at Travis. “Do you believe in the wilderness, Travis? Do you think it’ll save us all?”
“Stop it!” Natalie finally yells, hoping that it doesn’t wake up the rest of the team. It works, at least, in getting Jackie to be quiet.
“We’re doing you a favor by letting you come out every day with us,” Nat continues, trying her best to keep her voice steady. She admires that about Lottie, if nothing else. “You can’t shoot, you can’t hunt, and you complain about the cold most of the time. But we let you, because we know how bad it is in there for you. So why don’t you treat this like the favor it is, instead of a burden you’ve selflessly assumed?”
Jackie stares at her, jaw clenched—Natalie doesn’t waver. Eventually, she huffs and lets her arms fall back to her side.
“Fine,” she grumbles. “We’re burning daylight anyways.”
Jackie pulls her cowl over her nose and marches off. Nat closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, then follows after her, Travis close on her heels.
Forgiveness is a thankless job.
-
It’s been four weeks since Shauna disowned Jackie as a friend in front of their entire soccer team and forced her out into the cold.
It’s been three weeks since Jackie started sleeping in the attic when she decided the corner farthest from Shauna was no longer good enough.
It’s been two weeks since Jackie joined Natalie and Travis on their searches for Javi thinly disguised as hunting expeditions.
(One and a half since Jackie got too close to the edge of a cliff and Natalie had to pull her back.)
The rest is all hazy. The days blend together, the weeks even more so, especially since the snow started. When all you can see is white grounds and frosty trees and starvation is slowly ripping you apart, there’s not really a demand for calendar making.
Jackie doesn’t know if the team still hates her. She does know that they hold some form of disdain for her—that they think she’s weak. They have since the plane crashed and they all decided they could just stop listening to her.
She can’t shoot a gun. She can’t pop deer joints. She can’t pass cleanly enough or run fast enough and game-winning headers don’t matter as much when nationals are a forgotten dream.
Coach Martinez told Jackie she was a leader. But Coach Martinez is dead—and as Jackie trudges through the snow, she thinks she’s meant to be, too.
“We’ve been getting nowhere,” Travis says. “Javi could be anywhere, and we’re never going to find him if we’re only going in one direction every day.”
It’s been a little over an hour of searching, the sun having finally risen. Jackie remembers when she used to wake up early to see them before school—remembers her slumber parties with Shauna, where she would always force her to get up so they could watch it together. Shauna grumbled on and on about how pointless it was, how once you’d seen one sunrise you’d seen them all, and I’m fucking tired, Jackie, but she always fell silent when she saw the sky.
They continued it for a while out here. They slept beside each other, so every time one of them woke up, the other did. It became some sort of routine for them, to sneak out and sit on the porch together and watch the sunrise—to share a quiet moment together and pretend that their lives were normal for one measly second.
Now, Jackie still wakes up early, but for the sake of getting away from a team that hates her and a best friend that betrayed her. Now, they’re stuck in a single cabin and Jackie doesn’t even sleep on the same floor as Shauna. The attic is fucking creepy, and Tai and Van sleeping with their wrists tied together is almost as creepy, but Jackie doesn’t mention any of it. She thinks it’s the only reason they let her stay up there.
Jackie forces it all out of her mind. Forces Shauna out of her mind, even though she knows she’ll come waltzing back in within the hour. She always does, because she’s irritating like that.
She hates sunrises and she hates Shauna. She repeats it in her head like a mantra.
“We’re trying our best,” Nat insists. “There’s only so much we can do.”
“Well, Javi has done the same, and he’s all alone,” he says sharply. “We need to cover more ground—we need to split up.”
“This isn’t one of Van’s horror movies,” Jackie scoffs. “We can’t split up out here. We have no idea where we are.”
“Maybe you don’t,” Travis says, “but we do. Nat and I have scoured every inch of this place during the spring—we know seven miles out in each direction. We won’t get lost.”
“Is that really what you want to do, Trav?” Nat asks.
They look at each other in silence for a good, long while, and Jackie bites back a bitter remark. She never noticed how much they did their telepathy thing until she started going off into the woods with them every day, but it bothers her.
It excludes her, sure. But she and Shauna used to be like that.
God, Jackie hates how often her mind goes to Shauna.
She wakes up thinking of Shauna. She goes to bed thinking of Shauna. When she’s thinking of how much she hates Shauna, she’s thinking of Shauna.
It’s a prison, truly. Or maybe a curse.
Shauna Shipman is the one thing Jackie can’t quit. And god, is she trying.
There’s a reason she’s out here trudging through a million feet of snow—because every time she and Shauna meet eyes across the cabin, Jackie wants to cry and scream and run out so she never has to see her again and grab her and kiss her.
She didn’t mean what she said that night. She was just so fucking angry—everything had been spiraling out of control, and no matter how much she scrambled, it always darted out of her grasp.
Shauna was supposed to be the one thing she had left firmly on her side, and now she didn’t even have her.
She didn’t want her.
“Jackie, what do you think?”
She blinks and looks between the two of them. “I get to hear the conversation now?”
“Jackie,” Travis sighs.
“Don’t worry,” she says breezily, “I get it. Your couple telepathy. You’ve probably spent so much time freezing out here together that your brains have fused together.”
He frowns. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
She frowns harder and turns away. “Shut up.”
“Travis was gonna go off on his own,” Natalie speaks up, looking at Jackie, “and we were gonna stick together. Is that okay?”
Jackie is shocked at first. A part of her thinks Nat hates her like everyone else—like Shauna. Tolerates her, if nothing else, because Nat seems intent on being the bigger person for some reason. Unlike Shauna.
She resists the urge to hit the side of her head. Stupid, stupid Shauna Shipman. The alliteration worked so well it had to be true.
“There’s only one gun,” she says instead.
Travis holds up a hand axe. “I’ll be fine like this. Not like there’s a lot of game out there to worry about anyways.”
“Travis,” Natalie chides.
“You’re sure we won’t get lost?” she asks. “All of this looks the same to me.”
“We know the woods,” Nat assures. “You’ll be safe with me. Hunter’s honor.”
She looks between the two of them, going over her options.
1. Go with Nat. (Ugh.) 2. Go with Travis. (Ugh.) 3. Go out on her own and probably die alone. (More appealing than Travis, less appealing than Natalie.)
“Fine,” she mumbles. “Lead the way, Nat.”
Natalie and Travis hug each other, and she pushes up on her toes to kiss him. He tilts his head so she gets his cheek rather than his lips. Natalie’s throat bobs and he murmurs something too soft for Jackie to hear. Nat nods, they hug again, and then they part ways.
“Come on,” Nat says, her voice stilted as she gestures with her head. “We’re going north for a while.”
Jackie knows exactly how to hit where it hurts. She already has, honestly, because she antagonized Natalie constantly for no reason after the crash, and then she screwed her kind of ex boyfriend for a reason she’s not even sure of.
But Nat didn’t lie—she’s doing her a favor. A huge one, at that. She’s seen what the team does to those they ostracize, and Natalie is going out on a limb for her when everyone else hates her.
So for once, Jackie bites her tongue and follows after Nat.
And that’s how Jackie ends up traversing the wilderness with the girl whose boyfriend she lost her virginity to.
Maybe that’s why Nat doesn’t hate her. Not because she’s too good to, but because she knows how Jackie feels in the face of Shauna’s betrayal.
-
They make it a surprising two and a half hours before Jackie trips over an obscured tree root and falls to the ground like a rag doll.
“Shit, Jax—”
“I’m fine,” she insists, ignoring Natalie’s outstretched hand as she wrestles to her feet. When she takes another step, though, she falls right back down.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. “What hurts?”
“It’s my ankle, Mother Theresa,” Jackie says bitterly, “and it’s fine.”
“You just fell again. It’s not fine.”
“Well, it will be fine—”
“No,” Nat shakes. “We’re stopping. We’ve been going for a while, anyways.”
“We don’t have the time to stop.”
“Why do you think we wake up so early?” she asks. “So we have time for breaks. Travis and I are never just hunting for 10 hours straight, even during the spring.”
“Fine,” Jackie relents, only because her ankle really hurts.
Nat helps her go a little further until they find some rocks suitable enough for sitting. They clear the snow off and settle in—Natalie takes the gun off her back, Jackie sets her bag beside her. Nat is not subtle with her intent gaze.
“I can look at it, if you want.”
“It’s fine,” Jackie repeats. “Probably just twisted. Being out here is icing it, so…” she shakes her head and glances away. “We can go in twenty minutes or whatever.”
Nat nods, but it takes a little longer for her to look away.
“I bet you’re regretting not pawning me off to Travis,” she says dryly.
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re not bad company, Jackie.”
She huffs. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me since Doomcoming.”
Natalie goes silent at that. She pulls a rag out of her pocket and starts cleaning the rifle. Not that it’s accomplishing much, but at least it gives her something to do. Jackie just digs at the snow with her boot.
Eventually, she blurts out:
“Do you think Lottie’s right?”
“I already told you, no—”
“Not about her being able to hear the wilderness,” Jackie says. “That I’m supposed to be dead.”
“No,” Nat says immediately, her brows furrowing, “Jackie— no. Of course not.”
She shrugs. “It did snow the next day. She’s right on that.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” she says. “I don’t believe her wilderness bullshit, and neither do you. Come on, Jackie.”
“I just feel like I’ve fucked everything up,” she mutters. “The team hates me. Shauna hates me. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just—”
“Don’t you fucking say it,” Natalie interrupts. “Don’t you even think it, Jackie, because the second you do, the spiral starts.”
“It already has,” Jackie bites. “For me, for everyone; they locked me in a fucking closet— they tried to kill Travis, Natalie!”
“I know!” she exclaims. “You think it doesn’t eat me up inside? What they did to him is horrible, and there’s something in him that’s irrevocably changed now. But we have no choice but to move forward, because otherwise we’ll all fucking die!”
“I just don’t get it.” Jackie kicks some snow away, shaking her head as she crosses her arms. “They don’t like Travis like you do. I don’t even like Travis.”
Nat frowns. “Then why’d you sleep with him?”
“Because my life was spiraling out of control?” Jackie marvels. “Because we’re stuck in the wilderness and we’re going to die and I didn’t want to die a virgin?”
Natalie is still looking at her in that stupid way and Jackie throws her hands up in the air. “Why do you sleep with him?”
“Because I like him,” she says wryly. “Because we made a genuine connection while we were out hunting after the crash and decided to take it further.”
Jackie scoffs. “Well, the person I thought I had a genuine connection with betrayed me.”
Nat’s eyes soften. “Jackie, have you talked to Shauna lately?”
“How do you know I’m talking about Shauna?”
“Because you’re always talking about Shauna.”
“Because I hate her!” she exclaims. “I mean, come on, Nat! She’s my best friend and she slept with my boyfriend for no fucking reason! I— I don’t even care about Jeff, I care about her, and she just threw all of that away!”
Silence lingers in the air between them as Jackie realizes what she’s said—from Natalie’s all too knowing look, she hasn’t exactly been subtle during any of it.
“I don’t mean it like that,” she mutters. Again, she feels her life spiraling out of her grasp—her image, rather. But even Jackie knows she lost hold of that a long time ago. “I’m not gay.”
Nat shrugs. “Would it be so bad if you were?”
Jackie’s head snaps towards her so quickly it’s a surprise she doesn’t break her neck. “What?”
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” she continues. “Honestly, it might even be better, because boy drama is… not easy.”
Girls aren’t any different than boys, Jackie immediately thinks, because she has Shauna and she is nowhere close to easy—
She blinks and shakes her head in an effort to clear it. Natalie brought up boyfriend problems and Jackie thought of Shauna.
“No,” she says, shaking her head even stronger because get the fuck out of there Shauna, “no, I’m not gay, Natalie. And I’m very flattered that you think about me that way—”
“Don’t even try to spin it that way,” she interrupts, but she’s smiling. “If I’m going for a girl, it’s not you. It’s Tai.”
“Tai?” she marvels. “You know you’d have to beat Van in like, gladiator battle to even get a chance.”
Natalie laughs. “I’d be up to the challenge. Besides, Tai’s smart, strong, pretty—I’m into it.”
“Just don’t let Van hear you say that,” Jackie says with a wry smile. “Or else you will have that gladiator battle on your hands.”
Nat smiles and her attention falls back to the rifle. Jackie, however, has too much time to think.
This is the most she’s smiled since Doomcoming. Since she read Shauna’s journal, actually, and she’s almost forgotten what it felt like.
Nat has tried to be a good friend to her since the plane crashed, and Jackie paid her back with peanuts—annoying, argumentative peanuts. Even now, when the team is icing her out, Nat is risking her valued position to extend a helping hand in her direction.
Truly, it’s a wonder Natalie hasn’t left her to freeze on any of their expeditions the past few weeks.
“I’m really sorry, Nat.” Jackie doesn’t fully expect the murmured words to come out, but they do. She doesn’t stop them. “For how I’ve treated you. How I’ve treated Travis.”
“Jackie—”
“Let me finish,” she says. “This is all stuff I should’ve said a really long time ago.”
Nat nods.
“I honestly don’t even know why I went after Travis. I was so fucking mad at Shauna, and I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me, but I couldn’t.” Her hands clench into fists as she stares at the snow. “She doesn’t even like Jeff. I don’t even like Jeff. But the thought that she chose him over me, and didn’t even apologize for it?”
Jackie shakes her head, letting out a mirthless laugh. “You know what the craziest part is? I think I would have forgiven her. Like— like that,” she snaps, “even with the Jeff of it all. I would’ve forgiven her if she just swallowed her stupid pride for one goddamn second and came outside for me. But she didn’t. And if I was really meant to die that night, it means she would've let me die.”
She exhales slow and loose, finally able to look over at the girl she thinks she can officially call a friend.
“You and Travis were just collateral in a fight that should’ve stayed between us. I don’t know if an apology can ever make it better, but…” she exhales. “But I’m so fucking sorry, Natalie. I’m sorry for being a total prick after we crashed, and for putting you down, and refusing to see who you truly are. Because you’re a good person, Natalie, better than most of us.” She huffs another sad laugh. “Better than me, for sure. But I’m finally gonna stop leaving you hanging with that olive branch you’re trying to extend.”
Natalie nods, taking in her words. Jackie usually isn’t this vulnerable with anyone but Shauna, which might be why she’s holding her breath.
She wants Nat to accept her, she realizes. She wants Nat to be her friend. (Needs it, a voice in her head says, to prove that she exists outside of Shauna. That she can live outside of her.)
“Thanks, Jackie,” she says softly. It’s more genuine than she deserves. “It means a lot. I mean, you’ve already done a lot more than you think, coming out with us every day. I know how much you hate the snow.”
“God, it’s the worst,” Jackie groans, and it gets a laugh out of Nat.
“We’re cool,” she says with an affirmative nod, and she reaches a hand out. “Truce?”
It feels like a lifeline. She takes her hand. “I was thinking more of friends.”
Nat pauses, and for a terrible second Jackie thinks she’s pushed too far. Then she nods.
“Friends.”
Jackie can’t fully bite back her grin as they let go, so she turns away instead—grabs her backpack and stands up.
“My ankle’s feeling better,” she says. “We should probably get back on the road.”
Natalie nods again. She shoves her cleaning rag back in her pocket and slings the rifle over her shoulder, then stands as well.
“Just let me know if it starts hurting again,” Nat says. “Even if it’s just a ten minute break. We can’t risk any more injuries out here.”
“Got it,” Jackie says. Natalie starts walking and she falls into step beside her soon after.
The silence between them is less stifling than all their trips together. Nat and Travis usually talked the whole time while Jackie third wheeled behind them, too angry at the world and the team and Shauna to even care that much about it.
Who knew all she had to do was go solo with Natalie for things to get better?
A few minutes pass. Jackie clears her throat.
“…I think I’m gonna try and talk to Shauna when we get back.”
Jackie sees Natalie’s smile out of her peripherals. She understands what Travis sees in her. “I think that’s a really good idea, Jackie.”