Chapter Text
Chan is seventeen. It’s the middle of the night, his parents are asleep. Changbin is snoring in the bunk above him. His eyes faintly make out Hyunjin draped dramatically across the bottom bed of the other bunk, half on and half not, while Jisung must be curled neatly against the wall where he can’t see, leaving space for another person to crawl in should they need it. It’s achingly quiet. Hours earlier, Chan had cooked dinner while Jeongin, Seungmin, and Felix had a three-way Mario Kart match, Minho supervising from his perch on the arm of the couch and Jisung causing as much chaos as he could. Changbin was helping put away the last of the groceries from Chan’s most recent shopping trip. Appa had been upstairs, asleep. The house was full of light, laughter, and love.
Something always shifted in the air when their parents were home at the same time. When Eomma had come home, Changbin’s fists clenched tighter around the milk he’d been holding. The laughter in the living room quieted. Jisung fled the room, quiet as a mouse. Mario Kart was turned off, Grand Prix left unfinished. Seungmin and Jeongin quickly picked up their mess, pillows righted and half-empty glasses washed in the kitchen sink. “Hi, Eomma. How are you today?” Felix asked, even though Chan knew the tension in the house was almost certainly suffocating him.
“Fine,” she had answered, her face impassive. A bad day, then.
“Felix, can you stir this for me?” Chan asked.
The house remained resolutely quiet and respectful through dinner. Eomma, Appa, himself, and all of his siblings sitting at the same table. There was minimal talking, enough to keep the peace, not enough for normalcy. Afterwards, dishes were washed and dried, leftovers were put away. The whole house was lethargic, cautious. Chan didn’t know what would set Eomma off. Everyone went to bed early, but Chan couldn’t sleep. He was planning, loosely, at one in the morning. Just in case.
They’d visit the library if things got bad during the day. It wasn’t too far away, had heating to brave the Seoul winter, and it didn’t cost anything to get into. If it got too late, they’d get snacks from the convenience store. If they couldn’t get out at all, they’d hide in Chan’s room. Chan would keep them safe. He’d take whatever hits he needed to, talk down whoever he needed to, buy time whenever he needed to. Chan would always, always protect his dongsaengs.
They were his. Nothing would change that.
At some point during the night, Felix slips under his covers and curls into his side. He doesn’t say anything, neither does Chan. Felix’s fingers thread into the fabric of his shirt, sniffling quietly. That’s the only sound he makes while a wet patch grows on Chan’s shirt. Chan hates it. Pulls Felix closer and pets his hair about it, because there’s not much else he can do.
Maybe half an hour later, Jeongin brings in a blanket and curls his legs up on the end of his bed, laying his head on Chan’s thigh. It can’t be particularly comfortable, but Jeongin falls asleep almost instantly after that, lightly resting his hand on Chan’s. Chan is getting far too hot, but he will not be doing anything about it.
Seungmin comes in shortly thereafter, whispering Chan’s name in the dark. “Channie, are we gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, Mongmong-ah. We’re alright.”
Seungmin sleeps on the floor in front of his bunk the rest of the night. Minho is the last to come in, hovering near the bed but never actually laying down due to the lack of space. He takes the open space that Jisung left in his bunk after reassuring himself that everything is okay. Eomma coming home had put them all on edge, but together in the same room, Chan finally relaxes. His alarm is set for school in the morning, his mental to-do list checked, plans in place to keep everyone safe. Slowly, Chan drifts off to the sounds of his family sleeping.
Three days later, Chan puts his plans in action. A twisted sense of relief flows through his body as Eomma yells. He isn’t processing what she’s saying. Thoughts race through his head so fast they sound like static. Glass shatters against the wall, the untimely demise of a stray bowl forgotten from lunch. Carefully and quietly, Chan slips away to Felix’s room.
“Oi, Felix. Can you go find Minho-yah, Hannie, and Seungminnie for me? We’re going to the library.” Chan requests. Felix always does better with a task, a way he can help. The last thing Chan needs is for Felix to attempt to talk down their Eomma. Felix slowly uncurls from his position on his bed, a wary curve in his shoulders.
“Yeah, are we meeting at the corner?” Felix replies.
“Same as usual.”
Neither of them comment on the loud crash that echoes from downstairs. Slowly, Chan slinks through the house. Changbin is calming Hyunjin down in their shared room. Chan sends them outside when he sees them. The only member missing is Jeongin. Chan checks all the hiding spots he can think of, under beds, behind couches, in corners. Everywhere he knew he would’ve felt the safest.
Chan cannot find him. Softly, avoiding the kitchen where Eomma is angrily washing the dishes, Chan wanders through the house. Every few steps, careful not to be too loud, Chan calls Jeongin’s name. The longer it takes to find him, the more Chan’s nervous system lights itself up. Chan checks the backyard next.
He finds Jeongin hiding underneath the locust tree, hands tangled in his hair and tears in his eyes. “Oh, Innie...” Chan wraps him up in a hug. It’s telling that there’s no protests about being too old for it.
“I-I didn’t mean it. She-- I set her off. I didn’t mean it.”
“It’s okay, it’s alright. Hey, we’re gonna go to the library for a while, yeah? The others are waiting at the corner.”
“I can’t, she’ll just get more mad if I leave, she said she’d beat me with the spoon again and--”
“And I’ll keep you safe. No matter what, hyung will protect you.”
Jeongin whimpers against his chest, shoulders shaking with the force of trying to cry quietly. Chan helps Jeongin up and pulls him into a piggyback ride. Ordinarily, he’d calm Jeongin down first, but they really don’t have time for that. His dongsaengs are out in the cold and Jeongin is damp from sitting in the snow. They slip out the sideyard, unnoticed. The sight of everyone shivering at the corner, Jeongin still sniffling into his hoodie, makes Chan’s heart drop to his shoes.
“Is everyone okay?” Chan asks. Upon receiving shaky reassurances from everyone, the group heads out. Chan counts heads as they walk. They’ll need dinner, so Chan resolves to ask about tteokbokki when they’re settled. They greet the librarian as they walk through the door, heading straight for their favorite place to hide between the shelves. Chan counts heads again. As his siblings settle in, the tension in Chan’s shoulders relaxes. He breathes consciously for the first time in the last hour. The static in his head quiets enough to hear himself think.
Felix and Jisung settle in on the floor against each other, Hyunjin laying his head in Felix’s lap. Minho is sitting in the small reading nook between the shelves. Seungmin positions himself along the back of the nook with one leg against Changbin and an arm against Minho. Jisung rests his head against Minho’s thigh. Changbin curls his legs to his chest on the side of the nook opposite Minho, leaving plenty of space for Chan and Jeongin to sit. Jeongin climbs down from his back to cuddle against Changbin’s side.
Chan takes a deep breath. Annoyance burns in his stomach, smoking up into his lungs. His body feels heavier than it should, exhausted. They shouldn’t have to be afraid in their own home.
“Is everyone warm enough?” Is where he channels his annoyance instead of marching back home to fight their parents. Chan hands his hoodie to Changbin wordlessly, rubbing a hand across his shoulders. “Tteokbokki for dinner?”
He receives nods and shrugs. God, they’re all too quiet. He hates it.
They stay at the library, huddled together like strays, for a couple hours. Just until the world feels less big and hostile, until sensation returns to their fingertips, until they can feel anything other than numbed dread and emptiness. And then they visit their favorite tteokbokki place on their way home from the library.
The warm tteokbokki brings life back to their faces. Chan watches in horrified awe as his brothers fight over the last bite. Minho has threatened to fry Hyunjin at least twice, and that’s just the threat Chan caught. Changbin is loudly arguing why he should have it as the third oldest. Jeongin is objecting from his position in Changbin’s headlock, ranting about how he “needs the energy to grow! You’re already big and strong, hyung, you don’t need it!” Felix is doubled over laughing. Hyunjin is whining about being starved, even though he had eaten off of Felix, Jisung, and Chan’s plates. While all this chaos is going on, Chan catches Seungmin sneakily pop the last bite in his mouth.
Miraculously, they do not get banned from the establishment. Chan apologizes to the owner for good measure.
Both Eomma and Appa are gone when they get home. The air changes, too, when neither of their parents are home. The house stays lively late into the night. Living room sleepovers are common, especially after a day like today. Piles of blankets and pillows are set up on the floor. When they were younger, it was a fort that spanned the whole living room. Chan always makes snacks, the anxious beast in him settling when he sees his siblings eating.
They argue over what movie to watch for forty-five minutes, then everyone falls asleep barely fifteen minutes in. The light of the TV illuminates their sleeping faces, the sound of the movie mingles with their breaths into a comforting cocktail of safety.
Chan wouldn’t change a thing.