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The sear of fire against his skin tore a groan from his throat as he struggled to stay conscious. When he pulled his hand back from the ugly gash across his side, his hand was drenched in blood, his glove hanging off his wrist at the cuff in torn shreds. He could smell burnt flesh.
“You are persistent, I’ll give you that,” the Herald spoke, right outside the range of Dawn’s flames. A hundred translucent spears of water floated behind him, glimmering with the dim light of torches in the century-forgotten ruins. “You have killed many in our order, Diluc Ragnvindr of Mondstadt. But this is where your transgression ends. Our war with destiny cannot be stopped.”
Diluc lost the tail end of his words to the ringing in his ears as what little was left of his strength trembled out of his arms. He fell face down onto a pool of his own blood.
Get up.
Get the fuck up, you pathetic, miserable excuse. You must warn him. You cannot die here.
Flames erupted in his palms, creating sizzling bubbles in the pool of blood, and casting frantic shadows on the walls that surged around the motionless silhouette of the Abyss Herald before the light was snuffed out once more. Diluc could hear himself grunting like a shot animal, trying not to choke in his own blood. The flames did not return.
What a joke.
What a failure.
The only time your protection truly matters, you fail. First, with your father. And now him.
Diluc’s fury became a black hole. Flameless and lightless, it tore a void in his chest, and he shouted with a rage that blinded and emptied him, still trying to will his useless limbs to hold his weight.
“As dramatic as ever, Master Diluc.”
The volcanic rage that swelled inside him abruptly fell into a bottomless pit of absolute panic. He blinked rapidly to chase away the darkness that tunnelled his vision to no avail. The blood on the ground started to freeze over as slow footsteps approached from behind him.
“Oh?” The Herald’s voice was distant and distorted. “Another foolish human who dares defy the Abyss.”
“K-“ A mouthful of blood nearly choked Diluc as he tried to speak. Fear was a discordant hum vibrating along every nerve, so loud he could not think.
No, no no no no no. Get out of here! You can’t be here! GET OUT!
“Stay where you are, Master Diluc.” The voice was soft and melodious, almost amused, echoing across the underground cavern. Diluc felt the blood he was lying in rise to cling to his clothes; an embrace of ice, pinning him in place.
“No-… Kae-… leave-“
Get out! Listen to me just once, you bastard, get out of here!
A pair of white soled boots stopped near his face just before darkness took him. The last thing he heard was the swish of a sword being drawn and a voice full of promise.
“I’ll show you the real abyss.”
***
The knock on the door at three in the morning could only mean three things.
The first was that the Knights of Favonius needed him urgently, and he had to be dispatched at once to respond to a group of scheming Fatui or stray hilichurls camping too near a settlement. Unless something more sinister was astir, these abrupt missives were typically delivered by fresh-faced knight recruits who shifted excitably on their feet at his door or lifted their torches too high, casting shadows through his windows. They often made a point of announcing themselves and the purpose of their visit.
The second possibility was that the Acting Grand Master had a request of a more discreet kind that necessitated far more secrecy than the bright, shiny marble halls of the Favonius Tower. However, Kaeya would always know to expect these visits thanks to hurricane seed butterflies that would perch on windowsills just at the edge of his peripheral vision during the day.
So, Kaeya knew before he opened the door that the visit tonight at three AM was of the third kind.
The bloody, angry, unruly kind.
“There should be at least four nuns looking for you all over the church right about now, Master Diluc.”
Diluc’s thick coat was flung over his shoulders, exposing a partially buttoned shirt and layers and layers of bandages beneath. He looked paler than the moon hovering over his shoulder.
“It was Rosaria’s shift.” His voice was strained, gravelly.
“Ah, of course,” Kaeya nodded. “She wouldn’t care if you have a death wish or not.”
Diluc closed his eyes and breathed out. Kaeya pretended he didn’t notice him sway on his feet.
“I need to talk to you.”
Kaeya lifted an eyebrow.
“Now? Couldn’t wait till the morning? Or, you know,” he gestured towards his recently gauged stomach, “till making a sentence longer than four words won’t risk killing you?”
“I’m fine.”
Kaeya raised both his hands and stepped back into his apartment. “Come be fine inside then, Master Diluc. You wouldn’t want to cause a scandal knocking on the door of a respectable young man in the middle of the night while barely dressed.”
Although Diluc’s face remained expressionless, his hand did hesitate on the door handle before closing it behind him. Kaeya pretended he didn’t notice that either.
He led him back to the kitchen and kicked a chair out from under the table for him to sit. While Diluc stared down at the chair with a hand in his coat over his wound, Kaeya busied himself with getting a fire going in the stove.
He heard a quiet gasp behind him and the rustle of Diluc’s coat against wood. Allowing him another moment to school his expression into his usual stoic indifference, Kaeya turned to face him.
“I am listening.”
Diluc stared at his gloved hand on Kaeya’s kitchen table for a long moment. Then, very deliberately, as if he was afraid of doing it too fast, he met his eyes. Kaeya felt an old pang at the sight of black shadows under his eyelids, pronounced darkly over pallid skin in the dim firelight.
“They are looking for you,” Diluc said at last, his voice lower than he expected. Almost a whisper.
Kaeya held his gaze without talking. For the millionth time, he tried to decipher the enigma that was Diluc Ragnvindr; the man whom he knew best, the man who knew him best, and yet the one man he could not understand. A long time ago, the end of his gaze reached unobstructed into the naked fire of his heart. It thrilled him to know that when he looked, he was allowed to see. See all of him to the marrow of his bones and the haphazard pile of his innocent dreams. Somewhere along the way, those fiery eyes as red as the Vision Kaeya used to carry with him wherever he went had become impenetrable walls, and he had to learn to read him in a million other ways. Find meaning in his reigned expressions and chronic avoidance, the length in his silences, the stray looks, his orphaned gestures of kindness.
Sometimes, he felt exhausted with it all.
Kaeya went to a cabinet near the kitchen door and grabbed a bottle from the top shelf, along with a pair of thick, stocky glasses. Aware of the eyes watching him, he placed both glasses on the table in front of Diluc and filled them with amber gold from the bottle before pulling the second chair from under the table and dropping himself on it unceremoniously. As he took his first sip from the glass, he pointed at Diluc with his little finger.
“Drink.”
Diluc made no attempt to reach for the glass. “I don’t drink.”
Kaeya hummed around the warmth that spread down his chest and nodded at him. “Tonight, you do. It’s either that or you are going straight back to Barbara.”
Diluc continued to stare at him, his left hand still on his wound. The stove fire sparked in his eyes, and he blinked. Kaeya knew he had won.
Diluc reached for the glass and took a small sip before putting the glass back down with more expression than he had shown all night.
“It can’t be that bad.”
“It’s awful.”
“Such a prince. Here, let me make it a bit better,” Kaeya leaned forward and flicked his glass lightly. The liquid cooled immediately, leaving the glass perspiring in the warmth of the kitchen.
Diluc wrapped his hand around the now cold glass but did not drink from it. Instead, he found his gaze again and waited for him to stop stalling.
Kaeya sighed.
“I know they are looking for me.”
“For how long?”
“How long, what?”
“How long have you known?”
“A few months.”
Something like rage moved in Diluc’s throat as he swallowed around it, his jaw straining.
“Is that why you have been disappearing recently? For days on end?”
“Aw, you noticed that I was gone,” Kaeya smiled, lowering his head. “Contrary to your prior claims of indifference.”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Are you following me then, Master Diluc? Is that why you were guts deep in those ruins fighting half a dozen Abyss rankers like some death-seeking hero?” Aim and shoot. He knew where the holes in that wall were.
Diluc physically reeled at the question, letting go of his glass and leaning back on the chair. He stared at Kaeya with the same impassive eyes that haunted his nightmares. The same impassive eyes that still haunted his dreams. When he spoke, his voice was dispassionate, almost disappointed that he had gotten exactly what he had expected.
“I have been following some rumours from Liyue. After the Traveller left the Chasm, there has been some activity coming from there. My contacts informed me that a group of high-ranking Abyss Heralds and Lectors were dispatched quietly and sent to Mondstadt. It seemed like they were looking for someone, and I wanted to know who it was they were looking for.”
Kaeya swirled his glass, feeling a prickle of unease climbing up his spine. “And how did you find out they are looking for me?”
“I asked.”
For a moment, the only sound in the kitchen was the soft crackle of fire. Kaeya felt his right eye throb. He wondered how much of the blood Diluc was lying in when he found him was his.
“Something happened in the Chasm,” Kaeya finally said, placing his hand over his eyepatch.
“It seems they used some kind of machine,” Diluc replied, leaning forward again, eyes on Kaeya’s hand over his eye. Kaeya didn’t pretend not to notice his grimace of pain.
“Drink your booze.”
“I’m fine.”
“You cauterized a stab wound while bleeding internally. You are not fine. Drink your damn booze.”
Diluc ignored him.
“Their Prince was able to feel those connected to Khaenri’ah.”
The name of his homeland on Diluc’s lips stirred something nameless in the sunless depths of his very core.
“When they used the machine, it somehow affected everyone connected to Khaenri’ah,” Diluc continued without looking away. He was all but leaning over the table now, his hand resting flat on the surface next to his almost untouched glass. Kaeya wondered if he could sense how hearing him say that name affected him.
“He knows there is someone from Khaenri’ah here. In Mondstadt. Whatever that machine did, it gave you away.”
Kaeya chugged the rest of the glass down in one go before placing it back on the table and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“It could just be one mindless hilichurl.”
“They know it is not,” Diluc tapped his finger on the table. “You know that. That’s why you have been going out on your own.”
Kaeya held his gaze but did not answer.
“You are hunting them down,” Diluc said with finality, leaning back in his chair. Surprisingly, he lifted his glass and took a larger sip than the one before. Kaeya pretended not to notice that watching that made him warm in a way the booze hadn’t.
Why had he come here? Why had he come to him? Barely able to stand on his feet, a night after he had almost bled to death in a cave even the Seven had forsaken, why had he dragged himself across town to come and tell him that he was in danger? Why was he here, sitting in his kitchen at three in the morning and drinking his booze, warning him that his secret might be out? The same secret that had nearly cost him his life at his very hands.
“What happened to you?” Diluc asked, gloved fingers flexing around the glass.
“Wow, Master Diluc. You don’t go around asking people what happened to them.”
Diluc stared.
Kaeya stared back.
Diluc sighed, closing his eyes.
“The machine in the Chasm. What did it do to you?”
Kaeya suppressed the urge to touch his right eye again as he remembered the searing pain of being unmade. A bite of decay that went deeper than his flesh and bones, eroding away the very seams of his soul. The mere memory of it filled his throat with bile.
“Mostly made me curse a lot,” Kaeya said lightly. From the way Diluc raised his eyebrows, he wasn’t even remotely interested in buying his bullshit.
“I don’t know,” Kaeya leaned back as well, stretching his legs under the table and onto the empty chair next to Diluc. “I didn’t even know what was going on. I was tailing a Cicin mage around Stone Gate, and it hit me out of nowhere. I am no stranger to pain,” Kaeya shrugged, pretending not to notice the way the words made Diluc flinch. “But this was something else.”
Diluc remained quiet, looking down at his glass. Kaeya noticed he had a tuft of hair out of his usual ponytail. He probably had difficulty raising his left arm.
“How did you know where I was?” Diluc asked after a long bout of silence, still not looking at him.
Kaeya wished he hadn’t finished off his glass.
“You kind of leave a trail behind,” he answered, raising his shoulders. “I followed one of the mages to the cavern and found a bunch of them freshly roasted.” Diluc met his gaze as he spoke. “I knew you had to be there.”
“So, you followed.”
“You are not the only one with secret intel. I knew there was a larger group looking for me. I didn’t want anyone getting themselves killed because of me.” Kaeya pulled his legs back, “Even you.”
A long moment passed before Diluc muttered, “Even me.”
Kaeya leaned forward, unable to help his smile. “You almost sound upset that I came.”
“Why did you save me?”
Ah. So this was why he had come.
“What do you mean?”
“Why. Did you. Save me?
Kaeya stared at the man he spent his childhood with. The once-boy who had shared his life with him, taught him how to catch crystalflies and play games among the grapevines. The man who had taught him the meaning of words like safety and home. The man who had made him question his entire existence and his purpose. The man who had almost killed him.
“Why are you surprised that I did?” he couldn’t help the anger taint his voice.
Diluc clenched his jaw, his hand closing into a fist. “It didn’t matter before. Why does it matter now?”
“When has it not mattered?”
“When my father died.”
Kaeya felt his anger rise, heard its approach in a low hum in his ears like a distant avalanche. Somewhere near his bed in the upstairs bedroom, he knew his vision glowed in response.
“You know why,” he spat out, rising from his chair. He took his empty glass, as well as Diluc’s half-drunk one, and dropped them in the wash basin. Behind him, he heard Diluc stand up as well, the creak of the chair and sharp intake of breath. A step towards him. A voice as angry as his.
“No, I don’t.” His rage burned. It always burned whatever bridge lay between them.
Kaeya stared at the silhouette of Celestia suspended in the night sky like smudged paint through the window above the sink.
“I am not having this conversation with you,” he muttered at last, flexing his fingers around the edge of the sink to chase away the chill. “Go back to the church, Diluc.”
And then he was spun around, a gloved hand on his arm, deep crimson eyes inches away from his face.
“You avoided it then; you avoid it now. Tell me why.”
“What about you then?” Kaeya jerked his head, his voice cold as ice. “I know you were trying to make me leave that cave because you knew I was in danger.” Diluc did not look away, hands clenched on either side. “You told me numerous times in no uncertain terms that you couldn’t care less whether I died or not. So, why is it then, Master Diluc,” he emphasized the last two words with rimy derision, “Why is it that the last thing you are trying to do as you are bleeding to death with a hole in your gut is to ask me to leave?”
Diluc’s mouth was a line, his hands shaking.
“You know, I carried you,” Kaeya said with a scoff, pressing a finger to his chest. “I carried your sorry ass back to Mondstadt.”
“Do you want a thank you?” Diluc returned, every inch of him bristling with rage.
“No, I want you to be fucking honest for once in your goddamn life.”
“You are the one refusing to answer my question!”
Kaeya couldn’t help the laughter that burst through him. He shook his head incredulously.
“You are the only person I have ever been honest to,” he said, holding his gaze. He raised his hands on either side of him, “Look where it got us.”
Breath was punched out of Diluc as if he had just been stabbed again. Kaeya hoped it hurt more than the actual hole in his gut. He hoped it hurt as badly as it had hurt him back then. At least as bad as it still hurt him.
“Don’t-“ Diluc breathed, taking a step back.
“What if I told you that you were delirious on our way back to Mondstadt?” Kaeya continued, taking a step forward for the step he took back. Diluc went paler than he already was, what little colour he had draining from him in the soft firelight.
“Stop.”
“'Kaeya, don’t go'", he repeated his words back to him, watching how each one cut deep into Diluc. As if he knew what Kaeya was talking about.
“Stop.”
“'Please, Kaeya, don’t go.’”
“Stop it.”
“'I’m sorry, Kaeya.’”
The words fell into the small kitchen like a bomb. For a long moment, they just stared at each other with barely any space between them, neither of them breathing as the aftershock dissipated.
“What are you sorry for, Diluc?” Kaeya asked, his voice hollowed out, expecting no reply. Diluc would leave again, and they would continue to live around each other the way they had done for years now. No answer would be given. No truth would be offered. They would continue to pretend not to know the answer to why. Maybe learn to never ask it again until the urge completely disappeared. He knew better than to expect anything more.
“I hate-“ Diluc’s voice came out barely more than a whisper, trembling at the edge of his breath. He slowly shook his head, as firelight glistened in his eyes, and Kaeya felt the floor being pulled out from under him at realizing he was crying, his lips parting before Diluc surged forward, right hand curving around the nape of his neck, and his gasp dissolved into his lips.
All at once, he felt something in himself break open, the flood of every feeling held back suffusing him to the brim. Rage twisted into grief twisted into fear twisted into desire, and he pushed Diluc back against the wall, swallowing his quiet groan and hissing through his teeth at the feel of his fingers curling into his hair. He tasted the metallic taste of blood and alcohol on his tongue and chased his gasps to the edge of his lips until he could feel them vibrate at the tip of his fingers against his throat. For a decade, he had wanted this, for a decade, he had no hope of having this, and yet Diluc was right there, fire warm and maddeningly demanding with his vice grip wherever he had a hold of him and teeth on his lips, taking him apart as he took him apart.
“Say it,” Kaeya muttered the words against his lips, following the line of his jaw to the side of his neck as he tugged on that fire-red hair, coarse and matted between his fingers, and Diluc let out a tight-lipped groan. Into his ear, Kaeya whispered again.
“Say it. Say that you hate me.”
Diluc tried to reach with his left hand for him but gasped with pain, throwing his head back and breathing hard. Kaeya placed his own hand against his side and felt him tremble against him as the cold soothed his pain. Diluc stared into his eyes, all of him flush and burning before he reached with his right hand instead, red eyes following his touch as he traced along his cheek, across his lips, and up over his eye where his eyepatch rested against his forehead.
“I don’t,” he admitted, his voice shot in a way that nearly made Kaeya’s knees buckle with desire. Diluc held his hair in his gloved hand, bringing it close to his face as he drew a tremulous breath, closing his eyes. “I don’t hate you, Kaeya,” he whispered, then opened his eyes again, red into abyss blue and shimmering. “I don’t hate… you.”
Kaeya understood, feeling his chest crumble as he reached for his lips, trying not to break down, “You fucking idiot.”
“Yeah,” Diluc sighed. A shaken sound between a sob and laughter.
Kaeya pressed his nose into his hair, holding him tightly in his arms.
“I’m taking you to bed.”
Diluc sighed again. Quieter.
“Yeah.”