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“Testing, testing… Ah, yes! The recording has started, then! Terrific!...
Hm… Let’s see here…
Ah, yes! Why, of course!
I used to be at the top of my class throughout the entirety of High School, you know. Simply adored by teachers—less so by other students, who surely envied me… I do completely understand how that must’ve felt, though! Simply imagine, being there and witnessing me performing in the arena of knowledge and wisdom! So close to the ideal, yet so far from it! Seeing everything you can dream of being possessed by someone in such visceral proximity, yet almost entirely out of reach… It’s—It has to be heart-breaking. Right?... That’s how they all must’ve felt! Gazing upon my illustriously scintillating visage!...
Ah, yes, those were indeed the best of times! A more civilized age, one might say, where I could feel my own worth! I would be able to look around and truly attune myself… or something… I really liked being able to walk up to the blackboard and shock everyone time and time again with how quickly and efficiently I would be able to solve nearly every equation and nearly any problem! It felt ever so exhilarating! There was no applause, of course, for the stage of science requires complete silence, as I had to enter my mind palace in order to truly optimize my own processing power!
…
Sometimes I do have to wonder, however… if anyone apart from Noelle actually, you know, cared about me. They should’ve! The future is in the hands of those whose minds are bright and clear—and it really is! Some of us just… don’t make it out, I guess. Survival of the fittest, undoubtedly. That, however, matters not at this moment!... I don’t think that stupid drake and his equally imbecilic friend ever paid me any attention—which was to be expected from someone with such low intelligence stats, of course! Jockington was close to Noelle, so me and him—and his friend, too—were acquaintances of sorts. We never really spoke, mind you, for sports is rather far from my area of expertise, as I preferred (and, ha, still prefer!) to stick to the cybernetic equivalent of that!... Same goes for the occult. No one remembers Temmie, of course. So why would I? I’m far better, most definitely! I wouldn’t need to remember someone so… forgettable… Right?
Noelle cared about me. I tried my best to truly do everything in my power to keep her safe from any and all dangers of this, frankly, horrible and upsetting world. I really did. I did my best. Sometimes one’s best may not prove enough, however… Of course! Some tasks may simply be qualified as sisyphean in their nature!...
Noelle also cared about… Susie. That one hated me. Ah, yet I escaped the maw of the dragon in one piece! Who knows what would’ve happened if I… if I stayed that time.
Ms. Boom used to say I would get to become something wonderful in the future! She—she used to say that quite a lot, too. Perceived me as one of the future greats, she did!... She wasn’t wrong, of course! She said that there exists a peculiar little kind of people. Late bloomers, she called them! Yes, perhaps I am one of those! Although, there may be quite a few years between what I used to consider my prime during High School and… and whatever is in store for me. Which is something good. Right? It has to be. Right?...
… Whatever it is, it’s hopefully better than spending days and weeks doing nothing of any value. I am simply unable to get… ugh, whatever.
Father keeps complaining. He says I used to be so much better, yet he is the one returning home late and not supporting his only child. ‘Get a job’, he says, as if leaving the house is as simple as he pretends it is. Hometown is a rather small place, after all. Everyone knows each other. Almost everyone. Some get forgotten, which is probably for the best, frankly! What is the use of some troglodyte protozoans being remembered, right?...
Yet I still cannot bring myself to show my face out there. I know they’re there. Some of them, at least.
It is simply dangerous to go out into a place where so many dangers may lurk. All the former admirers and… whoever else. Fueled by that ever-growing jealousy from days past! Ah, yes! Trying to cling on to… something. Despite there being nothing for them, of course! I shan’t share with those who are unworthy!...
Father also said my mom would be disappointed.
I couldn’t really argue, of course.
She would be.
… Lately my enrichment in the form of virtual achievements and other such engaging forms of interactive content hasn’t been affecting me in the way it used to. That’s rather upsetting, for I adore stability and constancy in all things! Alas, more often than not it seems that as of late the only consistent thing in my life have been horrendous teammates! As lousy and contemptible as they were forgettable!... Yet even when there are no teammates to sour what should be a pristine experience, it is still sullied for some reason. I cannot yet ascertain the exact causes, unfortunately. I’ve tried changing genres and franchises several times in an attempt to reignite that spark, but… alas, nowadays videogames hardly feel enjoyable. I still keep up with whatever news comes out, of course—and the tier lists, too! It is rather eerie, in all honesty. My main getting buffed used to get me more excited than anything, and yet now I cannot help but feel as if it is more meaningless than trying to enter a tournament with a joke character!...
I used to enter offline tournaments, you know! I used to be pretty decent, too. Not really anything to start a career over, sadly, but enough to get into winners’ top 8 sometimes!. I used to see a friend of mine a lot there… That doesn’t matter, forget that.
The point of my last soliloquy was that… Now even videogames feel like nothing more than a way to kill some time. They’re not enjoyable. Not a single one of them. Alas, younger me would probably have me staked and burnt for such asinine heresy!... He’s gone, though. He’s never coming back.
… Father says he doesn’t understand why I’ve ‘lost it’. Frankly, I struggle to comprehend what he could mean by ‘it’, and the more I hear about ‘it’, the more I think I don’t want ‘it’! Actually, the more I hear him mention ‘it’, the more I think that, maybe, I never actually had ‘it’! What would ‘it’ even give me, father?! It doesn’t exactly seem like you have ‘it’, either! So what makes you think you’re that much better than me, then?! All you do is complain I don’t have ‘it’, but you never bring up even a single idea of how I could get ‘it’! What even is ‘it’?! How would you even know what I did and didn’t have?! You were never there, father!...
It should’ve been him. It’s not fair.
…
Miss Boom used to say I was a good kid. I’m not a kid anymore, though. Far from it. I wasn’t exactly a kid when she used to say it to me, either. Can you even trust someone who says that to someone in their late teens? Can you even trust someone who said that to me?
Of course not. Being patronizing is the typical modus operandi of almost all adults when dealing with anyone younger than them. How devilish! Verily, how terrible do you have to be to deceive a teenager like that? It is almost like if in a tutorial you were told that you need to get your HP to zero to win! It is simply false! It was all false!
At least mom used to be decently honest. She was the only one who gave praise only when it truly felt deserved.
Father didn’t say anything. He never really had ‘it’. The ‘talent’ to be a decent person towards his son, that is. Alas! Not all of us are blessed with the divine gift of trying to be a good person every once in a while!... Some of us tried. At the very least.
Noelle was a really good person. The nicest one, probably. It’s pretty funny, actually… Well, no, it’s not. I used to think she loved me!... She was too nice to me, you see, but she wasn’t an adult! That didn’t really add up, of course, so her having a crush on me was… well, it was the most likely option!... I-I thought that’s what made her happy. It clearly wasn’t. It’s still rather difficult to really talk about it… I never would’ve—well, I would’ve if I tried to understand her more. I wasn’t smart, though. She was. So I didn’t figure it out, you see. She had to tell me, of course. I remember saying some inane gibberish to her in response. As was to be expected of someone like me. She was nice, though. She… loved tolerating me, I suppose. Yet I could feel that I would be pushing my luck if I… you know…
… Super Smashing Fighters got its final character added some time ago. Glad I lived to see that! Not sure I like the choice of… do I even need to say anything? I didn’t like it. That’s my take. You can probably watch someone far more skilled speak their mind. In fact, I would be willing to bet that that’s what most people want to do.
… What else can I even say? I hardly even remember any new titles that have come out in the last two years. I’ve heard they’re good. A few of them. I’ve heard the plot in some of them is deep. That’s cool, but also… what's the point, right?...
Mom was the one that cooked for the family, actually. I remember it being rather joyous every time I had to pause my gaming session to have some warm dinner. At times I could be irritated, of course, as I was a whiny little moron. Father seems to prefer eating out instead of being anywhere near our house nowadays. I, for one, am glad that that’s the case! I wish he could stay even further away for an even longer period of time! In fact, I thrive in loneliness! I require not the presence of our pointless little dialogues twice a day!... I don’t need him!...
He still gets seeds at some store, of course. I’ve been mostly eating that. If you wash it down with water it actually proves surprisingly nutritious! Or at least filling. Keeps the hunger at bay, you see! Discovered this little technique all by myself, too!... Ah…
I do sometimes forget all about it, truth be told. You see, I am something of a master of focus! I possess the uncanny ability to forget about everything that doesn’t matter… for a short while… then it comes flooding back, of course, because it’s not possible to overcome, obviously. I care little for that, though!
I really don’t care. Really.
… My teacher! That’s right, I had a teacher, believe it or not! She was… okay, I think. I don’t think she ever actually liked me. Although that goes for anyone, really. What’s the point, actually? What’s the point in all this pontification and… whatever else?
I don’t really do much with my time at this point, to be perfectly honest. More often than not all I do is… well, nothing of value or importance. Alas, such is the truth sometimes! She may be a truly malevolent mistress to some of us! That is simply how it has to go, I suppose. For the first half of your life she may seem honest and pure and loyal, yet then she turns on you. Ah, the act three betrayal, of course!... I never really liked that. The concept is quite boring, I think. Besides, I’ve yet to see the reunion part. Even though it’s been years.
I, uh… I remember I would spend a lot of my free time in the library, studying! I was marvelously diligent, you see! Probably the most diligent little bluebird this town has ever seen! I am no liar, of course, so I have to say it was actually rather enjoyable! There was value to be found in all the recurrent studying: I was bringing value to my life! Is that not what every single person in the world seeks to achieve with their humble lives? Yes! Yes, it is! Hence why so many people feel bad when they think there is little value to be found in what they’re doing!...
… Most of my time studying was spent with Noelle, of course. She was… the actual best student in my class. Well, I tried to keep up. I really did! I always tried my best—I always tried to give it my all!... Although sometimes what you think is your all just isn’t good enough, is it? Still! I was at the top of my class, even if only in second place. People don’t forget the top three, do they? That’s who they give all the medals to! Ah, forsooth!...
Her company, perhaps, was what made it that enjoyable, actually. Ah, yes, I remember we would be able to discuss Dragon Blazers lore and even theories! How wondrous that was! Verily, I would not even know some of the queerer theories she presented sometimes! And I, in turn, would try my very best to explain the mechanics and the lore of every single character in Super Smashing Fighters—I was no casual, you know, as I know how to play every single one of them at a rather decent level! It was a cultural exchange of sorts, you see! Ah, she would sometimes look so puzzled when I tried to explain to her what puppet characters were!...
…
And, uh, I in turn would be surprised when she listed all the different reasons for why the Mage could actually be hiding something from us! Magical, it was! Truly dreamlike!
Well, it was up until a certain point, at least. I’ve kept a somewhat rudimentary interest in Dragon Blazers lore and theories since then, yet to my dismay none of the theorizers seem to truly capture that passion—none of them have that sincere spark!
I really do wish it was possible to continue that! I do!... I, uh… Susie hated me, though. Still does, most likely!... Noelle would still invite me to hang out, of course, but who am I to interfere when I had already interfered more than anyone has any right to? Ah, but I knew she had to keep up the facade of being the mayor’s kind daughter. So I played my part as a stepping stone of sorts! Indeed, perchance it was I who helped her be more upfront and… honest with people. She wasn’t fully honest with me, of course—she did still try to pretend she actually valued me as a friend, which—let me be honest, that does now seem rather upsetting, for I would much prefer if she had told me she hated me, which was the truth, of course! Of course. I didn’t give anything to her! So why would she still think that pretending she considered me her friend would be in any way believable?! Some people have no knack for acting, I tell you. Thankfully, she stopped pretending at some point. Well, she still hasn’t confessed her hate to me, but at the very least she stopped pretending she wanted to hang out!... Which is good!... Really good. I would rather not… hamper her more than I already have. Especially considering Susie is right next to her at all times. At least that’s how it seemed to be at the time.
I hope they’re doing well. Noelle deserves it.
… I’m doing perfectly fine, myself! You may have a desire to call me ‘lonely’, but, aha… you would be wrong! The Internet exists, after all! Oh, the nigh infinite number of people it can connect me to! Not that I’ve managed to get that close with any of them, but—and this is very, very important to note—I do not fall into despair because of that notion! In fact, I spend a lot of time chatting with the people inside of my PC for hours on end!... They don’t really know me, of course, for deeper revelations about who I am are to be reserved for the future! I don’t want to be weird after all—I’ve had enough of being weird to last me a lifetime! I’m never going back to that!... I think.
So I’m in this one streamer’s community. I really like watching their content.
It’s probably one of the only things that actually makes me feel some modicum of passion. They’ve always been quite good at that, you see! They may not seem all that passionate a lot of the time, but if you’re a regular viewer like me, you’ll surely see the deep hidden passion that they have for the various hobbies they have! That, of course, includes videogames! Perhaps that is one of the reasons I respect them so much: they are incredibly good at videogames—even if they prefer to employ rather lame and unfun techniques in order to win… Alas, not all of us can be perfect on every front! I hope you can agree with me there. While honor is incredibly important for a truly great competitive fighter, it is not the sole determinant of winning, unfortunately! So, perhaps it is somewhat understandable they would… wavedash and whatnot. Their streams can be rather funny, too! I catch pretty much every single one of them, in fact! You can call me something of an expert when it comes to… this streamer! I, uh… know many things by now!... From watching their streams, of course.
They seem genuine! A rarity in social media these days!... Oftentimes I’ll see them doing something unique, too! Although very often it is them playing some sort of online game—sometimes even ones I couldn’t call anything more than children’s games—and, well, pranking other users with various voice-altering programs! It is quite a hilarious sight to behold, seeing a master of their craft at work like that!
I also participate, of course. I send chat messages! I’ve been very consistent… I’ve, aha—I’ve even made them laugh! Can you believe that? I knew I still had it. At least in one department! I am still masterful when it comes to matters of charm and being pleasant to listen to. Right?
It’s like we’re friends, really!
I know a lot about them, I can make them laugh every now and then… What more can you ask of a relationship, really? This is why I reject the idea that I ‘need real life friends’, even though I’ve had a person tell me that. Ah, but I’ve seen what happens when you do that! It is all fleeting! It is as stable as a gust of wind! For a few years you may think this is who you’ll spend the rest of your life with, yet they’re gone in the blink of an eye! Ah, but I’ve already talked at length about that, have I not?
All it really takes is for all of them to go to different colleges and universities for you to be left in the dust. Maybe I’ll become a part of the dust soon.
I used to be a pretty good student back in High School, you know. Straight As, many extracurricular activities, excelled in everything. Tried my best, you see. Was it worth it? Why, not at all! What was the point? To have ‘it’?! I never had ‘it’ to begin with! If the difference between me being successful and me being left in a broken home with broken dreams was having ‘it’ then maybe I can never have ‘it’! Maybe I was never meant to have ‘it’! Maybe I was never meant to have anything, actually! That would make so, so much sense, wouldn’t it?!… “
A slam.
“... I never really was one to hit my desk that often. Of course, I’d get heated once in a few months, but those were extreme cases. Now at the rate I’m going it feels like I’ll have to replace the desk soon. I don’t see any cracks or anything like that, of course, but I can feel it in my bones. Often I don’t care how hard I hit it as long as it relieves some of the frustrations. There’s no real point in feeling pain these days, anyway. I’m not doing anything important. I don’t need my wings. I don’t.
Because why would I need them at this point?
… I’ve taken a liking to energy drinks. Sleeping has become rather difficult. After all, with no background soundtrack to cheer me up and no stream recording to keep me company, all I’m left with is myself. Truly, a horrifying prospect. Susie was right for hating me.
I don’t like that it still hurts. It shouldn’t. Truth shouldn’t hurt this much. Everything she ever said about me has to be true, after all. I’m the liar of the group. I was, at least. No one likes liars. No one likes boasting. No one likes arrogance.
No one likes me.
Because that’s all I am. A boastful, arrogant, ugly and generally horrible liar. That’s what I’ve always been.
I remember when I was first called smart. It felt… nice. Maybe that was the only time I really had ‘it’, or at least some tiny amount of it.
That’s a lie. I am a liar, after all.
Unfortunately I can’t bear the solitary lifestyle, as much as I hate to admit it. I know I used to be exceptionally good at it, too. Back when I actually had some amount of talent and skill… and desire to go on.
For some reason my glasses get foggy a lot more often than they used to, I think. I also used to wash them every day before school. I’ve grown lazy, it seems. Does it matter, though? Ah… no, it does not. It’s not like anything’s ever changing, after all.
I’ve been stuck like this for three years now. I never planned to take any gap years, you know. I always wanted to get started as soon as possible. To really… prove myself, I guess.
I should’ve known that was never going to happen. Someone as fraudulent as me was never getting anywhere. Especially not with the meagre funding I was forced to take into account once father became… became the only provider.
I was supposed to get a scholarship, you see. I didn’t.
So what do I do now?
Father tells me to get it together. My Internet acquaintances tell me to ‘get help’. My thoughts spell out something entirely different.
I just don’t think there’s a path for me. I’ve never had charisma. I’ve never had kindness. I’ve never been athletic. Where am I supposed to go, then?... I failed to do the one thing I was literally raised to do.
What even am I, then?...
Ah, but that was rhetorical, of course. The answer is that I’m a failure. On all fronts, too.
They used to say I was funny. They liked messing with me. I…
It’s become much harder to remember the past without it hurting. Even when I don’t try to remember the horrid parts, it still… it hurts more, I think. It used to be better. It used to be so much better. Back when life actually felt tolerable. I wish I could go back.
…
I’ve been told looking back at the things you say and think can help, but… I don’t think I’ll listen to this. I can’t imagine how painfully irritating it would be to hear someone like me talk for an hour… I’ve also been told I should try contacting people… Why would I do that? To irritate and annoy them once again, after they’ve had so much peace and quiet. Happiness too, hopefully! Why would I disturb that? I heavily doubt I have the capacity to positively affect anyone.
I don’t even know why I thought this would be a good idea. I hate letting myself think. Hearing myself think is even worse! At least father isn’t home right now. He’s only here at night anyway.
This is why I prefer having a stream on in the background. It’s very distracting, which is very important. The recreational aspect is very important too, of course. But—ah… I… There’s just…
It’s, well… It’s highly unfortunate—although there was no luck involved. I just…
They were always… strangely reliable, I suppose. They never said anything really hurtful to me. I have no idea why, of course. Surely they just… kept quiet, as they tend to… They did invite me to their house to play games quite often, though. We even had fun. Then they would invite me again. Many times, in fact. Sometimes I would invite them. I particularly remember they would—they would often laugh when I failed to do something and… Why, truth be told I didn’t really hate it as much as I thought I would. It did cause them to laugh, after all, so maybe it wasn’t that bad?
I don’t know. Should I even care?
Watching them stream and be happy gives me this strange, unplaceable feeling. It’s a special kind of hurt, but I also… just enjoy seeing them smile. Sometimes they talk about how they’re doing. That’s always very interesting to tune in to. College life sounds very interesting. I’m really glad they’ve been doing well.
Of course, I would love to join in and somehow participate, but… It’s very clear they’ve forgotten about me. It’s not at all surprising. So instead, I limit myself to simply chatting with other viewers in their community spaces! I’ve become something of a prominent socialite there, in fact!... If you can consider that an achievement of any kind, of course. In truth, it’s hardly anything. Of course, some people there now know that I exist and that my name is Berdly, but… does that truly matter? No! Ugh…
I’ve been looking into other ways of finding someone to talk to, of course!... Particularly those artificial chat websites! I haven’t done much with them, though. The idea does seem rather intriguing. After all, having someone to really talk to without the fear of them being dishonest is… highly tantalizing, isn’t it?
When I mentioned that, for some reason some of the people in the… community space reacted with some form of shock or disgust. Rather hurtful, that was. Speaking of the community, I haven’t seen the star of the show as of yet. It’s… alright. Perfectly fine, really. I haven’t been there for that long, after all, even though I’ve been following the streams for a fairly long time now. My participation in the community proper has only started a few weeks ago. I… don’t have much else to do, though, so… I try to enlighten whoever I can there! Even if my monumental work isn’t actually enough to get the attention of anyone who is actually capable of valuing what I have to say…
It’s really—oh, hold on, someone pinged me.
… H-huh?…
… Kris?”