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Jason was extremely annoyed every time he had seen his reflection in the mirror. He felt wrong, as if he was looking at some strange, disfigured monster. Maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but he still felt wrong.
He was ironically lucky that the only clothes in his wardrobe were oversized shirts and baggy pants that his father had gotten from the donation bins. It felt nice drowning in clothes that made him fit in with the rest of the boys in the neighborhood. The euphoria he felt would soon quickly vanish when someone would refer to him as a girl or use a name he wasn't particularly fond of. He knew it was unfair to get mad; he didn’t tell anyone how he felt about being seen as a girl. They didn’t know, and he was too afraid to say the words “I’m a boy” out loud. Especially when he looked so painfully feminine.
Jason couldn’t take it anymore, fueled by his jealousy and wanting to look like every other boy he knew. Jason decided to cut his hair. He didn’t have the cash to pay someone for a decent haircut, so the scissors were his only option.
He had waited until both of his parents were out before giving himself a haircut. He knew his mother would be pissed, but he was willing to face her insults and abuse because he wanted this so badly. His dad wouldn’t care, so he didn’t see why it should matter to her or anyone else. It was his hair.
After getting his hair to a length he liked, he stepped back and fully looked at himself in the mirror. He felt this electrifying spark in his chest. A shock, as if he had been drowning all his life and had finally gotten his head above the water. Jason couldn’t take these feelings all at once.
He cried and cried, messing up his face with tears and snot. He felt so happy seeing the real him in the mirror. Not some stupid girl that everyone around him had convinced themselves existed. Jason had finally looked like the boy he had always envisioned himself as.
The reaction from his mother could not be described as a happy one. Not even in the slightest—it was filled with rage. She yelled and tried to corner Jason, demanding to know who had influenced him to cut his hair. Saying he looked disgusted and that his haircut was ugly. It hurt—Jason wished she could just be happy for him for once. He wasn’t a little doll that she could dress up. He was his own person—he wanted this himself.
“You look like a boy!” his mother yelled.
All her cruel words she had previously shouted didn’t matter to Jason anymore. While she didn’t say she thought of Jason as a boy, he still felt happy. His mind wandered off as she continued to yell… maybe other people would finally see him as the boy he really is.
The next few days after the fight with his mom, the apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence. Jason spent most of the days out playing with friends. They had teased him a bit about looking like a boy, but it was all lighthearted and made him feel relieved. He’d only start to make his way back home after it had gotten dark. Even then, he took a few minutes in the front apartment complex stairs to collect himself.
-
His family would usually only rely on food from the food bank, not being financially stable enough to get groceries on the regular. So it was a bit of a surprise when his dad shook him awake and told him to get dressed to head out.
The grocery haul wasn’t much, but he was happy to spend time with his dad. He rarely got to anymore. He was even allowed to get himself a treat, a frozen chimichanga that was reduced in price. Apparently his dad knew the cashier who was checking them out. Catching up with her until she looked over at Jason.
“Is this your son?” she asked.
“No, my daughter.” his dad replied.
She quickly apologized, “I’m so sorry, dear. The haircut confused me a bit.”
Jason couldn’t help but smile to himself—someone, even though it was for only a couple of minutes, had seen him for who he was. A boy, not a girl. Jason felt as if he was walking on clouds on the way home. Basking in the warm sunlight, facing forward and smiling to himself. He’ll remember this day fondly for the rest of his life.