Work Text:
When Orm left Bangkok after her most heartbreaking failure, Orm was finally able to breathe.
So much hurt still but breathing in the air of Chiang Mai filled her lungs just a little bit more, cleared the fog in her head just a little bit more. She didn’t think she would feel somewhat more grounded than she had in a long time.
But as she sat in her new apartment in this new city with only two bags and one suitcase of all that she would need, Orm thought of what was ahead. Every thought of the past sat messily in the back of her head. It had no place in this new environment. It had no place for this new Orm she was trying to become.
The only thing that Orm brought with her was her job. The company she worked for was opening a new branch and she immediately jumped at the chance to move. Her boss had only looked at her to know that this was exactly what she needed. He gave her the job, no questions asked.
Orm didn’t even bring her mom. She couldn’t. She loved her mom with everything in her but her mom held her past and she couldn’t handle that. Not now. Not yet. Her mom didn’t let her go without a fight but she did ultimately understand why. There were no tears, just more heartbreak.
Crying was something Orm wasn’t going to do anymore. She did too much of that already. Her body ached still with how she sobbed and heaved and shook. No more crying. No more letting her failure consume her. No more.
So she opened her windows and sat on the only pillow she brought and looked out at the twinkling lights of the city. It was a cool night, the breeze easing the heat of her heart, and she breathed .
This was it. This was her new beginning.
///
Opening a new branch was harder than Orm thought. There were so many logistics and plans and people with differing opinions and ideas and it all overwhelmed Orm.
But in the midst of all the chaos, Orm thrived. It kept her busy and distracted and she had no time to do much but her job. She didn’t even have time or energy to go furniture shopping.
All her clothes sat in piles lining her walls. She had a blowup bed, one pillow, and one blanket. She had a small fridge. She had a hot plate and two dishes, two forks, two spoons, two knives. She had a small stereo. She had her laptop. She had all that she needed.
She wasn’t just surviving, she was living. She’s always had things, an organized clutter her mom once told her. Every inch of her room had something - dolls, plushies, posters, books, pillows and blankets and… things that didn’t belong to her. Things that held her heart, her love, her…
Now though? The thought of having things overwhelmed her. She could never go back to how she lived before. There was too much. She couldn’t get lost again.
So Orm focused on work.
She barely touched her phone during the day. She was too busy. She was making friends. She was going out - going on walks, to the movies, to restaurants. She was doing things for herself.
So Orm focused on herself too.
There were moments where the heaviness of her past seeped through fractures that haven’t healed yet. Moments, usually in the middle of the night, that squeezed her lungs and pounded in her chest and all she could do was open the windows and gasp for air.
There were moments where she needed her mom. And she always hesitated as her finger hovered over the call button. Which she hated because her mom did absolutely nothing wrong.
And when her mom would answer, Orm’s name rounded in quiet sorrow, breathlessly asking if she was okay, the urge to hang up pulled at Orm. Because she didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to talk about that. All she wanted was to hear her mom.
Eventually her mom caught on. She stopped asking about Orm and started talking about her days. How she was, how her dad and brother were, how work was going. She never strayed from those topics even if it was all redundant.
Her mom tried once. She had gone quiet, Orm could hear the slight hitch in her breath, and as soon as her mom said Have you heard fr- Orm stopped her and said goodnight. Her hands shook and her lungs burned and she turned her phone off completely.
When Orm woke up the next morning and turned on her phone, there was one text from her mom. Orm didn’t read it.
Instead she got up, got dressed, and went to work on her day off.
///
It took seven months for them to officially open the new branch.
The first day was frantic and exciting and slightly stressful. Orm sat in her office for most of the day. She didn’t work much. She just stared out her glass walls and watched employees walk, chat, laugh. She smiled and meant it.
Seven months.
It didn’t seem long but it also felt like an eternity.
Seven months and Orm could finally start being again. She could finally start building her life there. She was finally able to go shopping.
Orm invited a coworker, Kate. They were close in age and worked in the same department. They got along well with each other. Orm really liked her.
So they went shopping and they splurged.
A new comfy couch. Two dressers and a bookcase. A bed frame for a new queen sized mattress. A tv console for a new tv. A small dining table. A rug. Wall art.
Seven months and Orm finally had a home.
///
It took another few months for Orm to go on a date. She didn’t want to but Kate insisted, he’s a nice guy, Orm, and he’s handsome. You’ll like him. Orm didn’t have it in her to tell Kate she preferred women.
So Kate came over and helped Orm pick out an outfit. Orm sighed and watched from her bed as Kate went through her closet. Kate rejected almost everything she saw until she got to the very end, to something zipped up in a protective bag.
And when Kate pulled it out with a curious flourish, everything in Orm seized. Orm lunged off her bed and grabbed it from Kate before she could even open her mouth.
Orm shook her head, willing Kate to not ask any questions, trying her best to swallow her thudding heart. That was one piece of her past she couldn’t get rid of.
Breathing deeply, albeit shakily, Orm slowly hung the bag and slid the closet door shut. She ignored Kate’s gaze and went to her dresser, pulled out a pair of slacks and a plain white shirt. No one said anything.
Not until the doorbell rang. Not until Orm opened the door and her date smiled, offering his hand. Orm shook it and smiled herself, knew it lacked any warmth or excitement.
Kate left first, excusing herself with veiled concern. Orm just told her she’d call later.
Her date, Mak, was nice. Handsome too. Just like Kate said. He was funny and charming and had an easy smile. Orm was having a good time despite not feeling a thing toward him. She knew he could tell.
He asked her if he was doing something wrong, if he was coming on too strong. Orm shook her head with a sad smile, telling him it was her. When she told him she preferred women, he laughed.
Me too, he replied with a small smile, winking with both eyes. Orm had to swallow the bile that threatened to come out, seeing a familiar face doing the same wink.
The date ended with him walking Orm to her door and hugging her tightly. It was almost welcomed. It made her eyes sting.
Thank you for tonight and for understanding, Orm told him after stepping back. He shrugged, his easy smile never leaving his face.
Can’t change the heart , he said, sticking his hands in his pockets. Call me if you ever want to hang out , and with that he left.
Orm closed her door and leaned against it. His words ringing in her ears, the protective bag squeezing her heart.
She went straight to bed.
///
It took another six months for Orm to pull out her old laptop. Her palms burned and her hands shook.
Orm was never going to use it again but ever since Kate made the protective bag known, Orm swore she could hear the laptop whirring from the box she hid under her bed. It was calling to her. It was saying her name in a voice she would never forget.
As the laptop charged, Orm called her mom. Her past was at her feet and Orm needed her mom’s voice to calm her down.
“Orm, my dear, I was thinking of you,” Mae Koy said as soon as she answered. Her voice was warm and Orm could feel it like a hug.
“I missed you,” Orm murmured, her voice shaking. She cleared her throat, continued, “I’ve been thinking of home.”
“Oh?” Mae breathed. Orm knew exactly what she was thinking. “Is everything okay?” Orm nodded. “Orm? Are you there?”
It was getting hard to breathe. “I’m here,” Orm whispered. The laptop kept saying her name. “Did you know I went on a date? With a guy.
Her mom took the change of topic. “A guy? Why?” And there was amusement in her mom’s voice.
Orm laughed softly as she rubbed her eyes. “Kate set it up and I never told her I liked women.”
“Does she know now?” Mae asked. There was a rustling sound before Mae added, “how was it?”
“She does and she gave me a nice bruise for letting her set me up with him,” Orm said, smiling at the memory. “It was nice. He was nice. We’re friends now.”
Mae hummed, the sound crackling over the line. “I’m glad, Orm.” She got quiet and Orm prepared herself for her next question. “So you miss… home?”
“I miss you ,” Orm replied a little too quickly. “But how is… ? ”
“Do you really want to know?" Mae asked and there was wariness in her voice.
Orm shook her head. “No. No, I don’t.” She wondered if her mom could hear the bile bubbling up her throat.
“I miss you too, my dear,” Mae said after a moment. “Your dad and brother do too. We would love to visit you at some point.”
“Soon,” Orm said. She smiled at the thought of her family seeing her new life. “I promise.”
They hung up shortly after, Orm’s promise echoed back to her in her mom’s excited voice. She really did miss her mom, her family. She always was a momma’s girl.
Setting her phone down, Orm walked to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. The water did nothing to coat her dry throat. If anything it made her thirstier.
Her name kept ringing in the quiet room, noticeable despite her loud gulps. It was probably time to do what she swore she’d never do. But she also swore to throw everything of her past away.
There was no beating the now.
Orm sat on the floor, in front of the laptop that made her tremble. She wanted to cry, to throw up, to throw the laptop out of her sixth story floor window. She wanted to see it shatter.
But no. Not now. Not yet.
Even though Orm had a new life and she was doing well, those moments she had in the middle of the night kept creeping through fractures that hadn’t healed. And Orm knew they would never heal if she didn’t do this, get the closure she needed by clearing her past.
So with a deep breath, Orm opened the laptop and powered it on. She held her breath as it loaded, held it until the login screen showed. The background image made her choke on her exhale, how could she forget?
Orm entered the password that made her hands ache. She closed her eyes at the different background image. She wanted to slam the laptop shut.
But she didn’t. She couldn’t. She needed to…
Opening her eyes slowly and biting on her tongue, Orm sighed sharply. Two happy, smiling faces, heads leaned against each other’s, sun shining behind them. Candid. Two years.
If Orm was going to do this, she was going to have to detach… or dissociate. None of this was ideal. All of it was necessary.
Pictures is where she was going to start.
As soon as Orm opened the first folder, her heart immediately broke. Month One was the folder name. There were 31 folders total. She had a feeling she wasn’t going to come out of this unscathed. Not that she thought she would.
Orm scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and she hated that she had to capture every moment. She hated that everything needed to be immortalized. She hated that her heart ached. Almost yearned. Just short of 3 years.
She didn’t have it in her to click the delete button.
So she didn’t. Instead she clicked out of the pictures folder and opened the videos folder but that was even worse. One video saved outside of her organized folders.
One video with a thumbnail of Orm’s full face and a pair of lips pressed against her cheek. It was saved as soon.forever.mov - Orm threw up in her mouth, swallowing acid.
No . Immediately after closing the folder, Orm stood up and walked to the bathroom. She cupped her hands and filled them with water and drank it. She rinsed her mouth and spit it out, gasping and spluttering.
Orm thought about her failures, of everything that knocked her down and pushed her away. Of all of them, this was the one that almost killed her. Dramatic as that sounded, it was the most honest thing she’s ever admitted.
When Orm told her mom that, as she was crumpled on the floor of her bathroom, sobbing and shaking and drowning and gasping for air, Orm swore she could hear her mom’s heart break. Through all the noise in Orm’s head, the cracking sound of her mom’s heart rang the loudest.
It was at that moment, despite wanting to die, Orm would pick herself up and go on. Even if it was just for her mom. That doing that, it would lead Orm to living for herself.
It was dramatic, beyond so, but she has never had her heartbroken in such a suffocating way. It was her greatest loss.
Maybe it was not the time to do this.
///
“You’ve been quiet lately,” Kate said around the straw of her drink.
Orm was waiting for Kate to ask. She was surprised it took Kate this long. “Have I?”
“ Orm ,” Kate sighed. She pushed her drink aside and grabbed Orm’s, pushing it aside as well. “What’s going on?”
Pulling at the loose skin on her thumb, Orm shrugged. “Nothing.”
“ Bullshit ,” Kate immediately responded. “Try again.”
“ Something ,” Orm muttered, her heart racing in her chest. She wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to say anything more.
Kate looked at Orm, her soft brown eyes burning a hole in Orm’s head. Orm couldn’t bring herself to look at her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kate asked softly. Orm hissed as she pulled skin off, blood pooling at her thumb. Kate covered it with a clean napkin. “Is it about why you left home?”
Orm nodded, her throat tight with a growing knot. “Yeah. I thought I left it all behind but…”
“That bag I pulled out of your closet, does that have to do with anything?” Kate asked, ever the knower. She was looking at Orm like she might break apart. Orm just might.
“Unfortunately,” Orm nodded. She reached for her drink, wrapping her heated hands around the cool condensation. “Seeing that… it kinda just opened wounds I thought were closed.”
“I’m sorry.” Kate covered Orm’s trembling hand.
Orm gave her a thin smile. “You didn’t know.”
She didn’t know how or why but this little conversation gave Orm just an ounce of courage to open that laptop again.
///
The clock read 10:23 pm and Orm was still sitting in front of her old laptop. She has been there for almost 2 hours.
The courage she found after talking with Kate earlier has almost fizzled out. It was barely a flicker now. Kate had texted Orm, checking in, making sure she was okay. Orm replied with a thumbs up, nothing else. That was a lie enough.
Now she was sitting there with trembling hands and a stuttering heart, and a mocking laptop.
Orm covered her face and let out a loud groan. This was dumb. It has been two years since she left home, three months since her heart broke and her life fell apart. This shouldn’t be such a big deal, not anymore, but Orm was still fractured in places that mattered.
Now or never , Orm thought.
With a shaky hand, Orm opened the laptop and powered it on. It loaded slower this time, or so it felt. She went through the motions of entering her password and clicking on the internet browser with squinted eyes. The less she could see, the better.
It was when she was sitting there, trying to light that stupid flicker of courage, that she thought she would do this time. Looking at pictures and videos hurt too much. Memories and love were all there, staring at her in the face, stabbing her in the heart. She couldn’t deal with that.
So Orm thought that looking at an old email would be best. An email that first connected her to a life that was so easily built with someone she so easily loved. An email that kept her connected through distance. An email that held it all.
Orm hadn’t looked at it in almost two and a half years.
As soon as she signed in, emails and emails and emails populated. Orm sat and watched as her screen got longer and longer, watched through blurred eyes and trembling breaths.
Over 100 emails loaded, dated back to two years and three months ago. Dated back to when it all fell apart. Seeing that name, seeing her could have been hurt more than she ever thought it would. Unscathed , she laughed.
Orm scrolled to the very first one, the mouse cursor hovering over the email, her finger trembling as she forced herself to click on it.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Orm, I’m sorry.
Orm, please, please answer your phone. Or your texts. Anything. Please . I just need to know you’re there.
- Lingling
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm, I’m sorry.
I understand you’re mad. I know I messed up. God , I know that but please, I didn’t mean any of it. I didn’t, I swear I didn’t. I miss you. Please answer your phone.
- Lingling
Orm cried. It felt fresh reading these words from Lingling. She remembered the countless phone calls and texts and home visits and work visits. She remembered the tears and regrets and pleads and begs. She remembered throwing up, not eating, not sleeping.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: please
Orm, my love, I’m so unbelievably sorry. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from you. It’s been a week and I can’t breathe. I just need to hear you. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry, Orm. I’m so sorry .
Please? Please answer me…
- Lingling
When Orm tried clicking to the next email, a pop up blocked her.
Lingling Kwong requested a read receipt to be sent when “please” is read. Do you want to send a receipt?
Yes. No.
Orm didn’t think twice before clicking No . She wasn’t sure if Lingling still kept track of this email but Orm wasn’t going to let her know that she had finally opened these and read them. Lingling didn’t deserve to know.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: I saw you today
I saw you walk into your work building. I yelled your name. Did you hear me? I followed you, but I was stopped at the door. I was told I was not permitted in. Really, Orm?
I just want to talk. I want to apologize to you in person. I want us to work things out.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: I saw you today
I know you asked for space but it’s been two weeks. How much more space do you need? I’m willing to wait but I need to talk to you. I need to make things right. Please, Orm… please .
Another pop up asking for a read receipt showed. Orm declined it once again.
She remembered telling the front desk that Lingling wasn’t allowed in the building. She remembered how much it hurt to say those words, how much she wanted to disappear as the receptionist looked at her with so much… It hurt .
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: I saw your mom
I saw Mae Koy at the market. We talked for a moment and she apologized that she couldn’t talk to me more. I cried, did she tell you that? Did she tell you how much I cried and how much I begged her to let me see you? Right in the middle of the market. She gave me a hug and walked away.
There was no request for a read receipt for this email.
Orm remembered that day. Her mom came home with red eyes. She pulled Orm into a tight hug. Orm panicked, thought something happened, thought something was horribly wrong. But then Mae pulled back and held Orm’s face between trembling hands and told her she saw Ling at the market.
Orm froze for a moment before pulling back. She looked at her mom with fear, with worry, breathless and dizzy. She questioned her mom, hoping to god she didn’t tell Ling anything. Her mom swore and Orm went to her room. She did not come back out until the next day.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Is this it?
It’s been over a month, Orm. Is this how long breaks last?
Are you ever going to talk to me?
Is this it?
No request for a read receipt.
Orm remembered meeting Ling. The sun was high in the sky, gold and hot. The sky was bright and blue. It was the complete opposite of how Orm was feeling. Ling looked pale, too skinny, dark bags under her eyes. She shook. Her lips were pulled in a small, hopeful smile.
Ling reached out, for a hug or a hand hold or some sort of touch, but Orm didn’t let her.
Instead, Orm kept distance. She didn’t let Ling get too close. Kept enough space that she could be heard but not felt.
“It’s nice to see you,” Ling said, her voice weak. “How have you been?”
And Orm thought that maybe she should make small talk, maybe ask how Ling was too. She thought that maybe she owed Ling that, especially after keeping her away for so long. But as time went on and Orm let everything Ling did settle deep in her bones that no, she didn’t owe Ling anything.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ling,” Orm said, tears already streaming down her cheeks.
Ling stood still for a long while. Orm saw how she worked her throat, how her hands fidgeted, how her eyes turned red and glassy. Orm watched as Ling opened and closed her mouth, nothing but gasps coming out.
“Just like that?” Ling finally managed. “Can’t we talk about this?”
Orm shook her head, “no, there’s nothing to talk about.”
“There’s everything to talk about, Orm,” Ling muttered loudly. She wiped roughly at her eyes. “I’m sorry , Orm. I didn’t mean what I said. I didn’t mean what I did. I didn’t mean any of it .”
“There’s always a little truth in things not meant to be said, isn’t there,” Orm murmured, using her sleeve to wipe her tears. “I’m sorry, Ling, but I’m breaking up with you.”
Ling took a step closer, Orm took one back. “Almost three years together, Orm. We were together for almost three years and you’re just going to let that go over this?”
Anger bubbled up in Orm, mixing grossly with the heartbreak that almost consumed her. She couldn’t hold it back.
“You all but told me to fuck off , Ling!” Orm spat, hands clenched into tight fists. “I know you were busy, I know you were stressed, I knew all of that and I understood and I respected that. But I missed you and I just wanted to spend time with you but you couldn’t even bother to give me the time of day.”
“Did you though? Did you understand and respect that? Because I remember being nagged and nagged . I remember needing space and quiet. I remember you pushing me.” Ling responded, tightness and heat in her voice. “I was so stressed, Orm. I was buckling under the pressure at work and then I had to come home to more stress.”
Orm laughed in disbelief. “Yeah, I know , you told me as much. Well, not so much as tell but yelled . You have never raised your voice, Ling, especially not at me. But you kept pushing me away. You kept yelling at me to leave you alone. You , Ling…”
“Then why couldn’t you listen!” Ling said loudly, voice cracking with emotion.
“Why couldn’t you listen,” Orm cried. She could feel eyes on them but she didn’t care. “I was right there, Ling. I didn’t want much from you. All I wanted…” Orm closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had to calm herself down. “All I wanted, Ling, was you . I didn’t want much, just you to spend time with me. I wanted your arms around me, holding me. I wanted to talk to you and eat with you and go on walks with you. I wanted to hear you say you love me…”
“I do love you, Orm. I love you so much and I’m sorry . I let my temper get the best of me,” Ling sighed. She rubbed her eyes, massaged her temples. “I was exhausted and overwhelmed. You know how I get when things get hard, when things get too much.”
Orm walked over to a bench that was a few feet away. She sat down and covered her face, her body shaking with sobs that wanted to get out. She didn’t want this conversation to get this far. She just wanted to break things off and go their separate ways but just hearing Ling made her heart twist. Everything hurt.
“You’re right, Ling,” Orm said when she felt Ling sit next to her. “I do know that but you also know how I am. You know I’m not high-maintenance. You know I like quality time, skinship. That’s all I wanted. That doesn’t take much to give.”
“But to me, it does,” Ling sighed. “Couldn’t you have just waited until this project was done?”
It took everything in Orm not to scoff. She didn’t quite succeed. “Really, Ling? This went on for three months! I was just supposed to let you treat me like I was an inconvenience? Like I was another headache you had to take pain killers to deal with? Really? ”
“It wasn’t like that, Orm,” Ling groaned. She gripped her hair and pulled, jaw tensing.
“Right, it wasn’t,” Orm said sarcastically. She swallowed down bile and stood up, looking down at Ling with nothing but loss and heartbreak. “We’re no more, Ling. I’m done.”
And with that, Orm walked away. She ignored Ling yelling her name. She ignored the way everything inside her was breaking apart. She focused on each step, counting them until she got back to her car. It took 523 steps.
///
Orm skipped a bunch of emails. She stopped on one with the subject You’re moving?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: You’re moving?
I heard you’re moving to Chiang Mai. I hope it treats you well.
The next email wasn’t sent until a month later. Orm had been in Chiang Mai for a few weeks.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Are you well?
How is it out there? I heard Chiang Mai is a beautiful city. Much quieter and less busy than Bangkok. I always wanted to visit that city but I guess now I can’t… can I?
I hope you’re well, Orm. I miss you.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Are you well?
I was thinking about you - let’s be honest, I’m always thinking about you…
But I was imagining you out there, living a new life.
How’s work? Have you made friends? What does your new place look like? I have so many questions. Will I ever hear from you again?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: I saw your mom again
I saw Mae again. I almost cried when she smiled at me. There was sadness in it, pity too. I didn’t care because she is connected to you. I asked her how you were. She said you were good. Are you? Good?
Do you miss home?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: 6 months
You’ve been out of my life for 6 months. Will I ever get over you?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: 6 months
Have you gone on any dates? I know I have no right to ask but the thought of you with someone else… it makes me… Have you?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: RE: 6 months
It’s been 6 months, Orm. Are you over me?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Work
I saw an article that the new branch your company is opening is almost complete. Your name was in the article. I’m so proud of you.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Work
Do you keep tabs on me?
Orm read that line again. Do you keep tabs on me?
She really tried not to. She didn’t want to know how Ling was doing. She didn’t want to know anything about her. Her mom knew better than to bring her up. Her friends back home did too.
Sometimes when Orm was on social media, she’d see a post about Ling. She got promoted at work; the project that she was working on while they were together was a huge success. It received so many bids. Orm hated that pride tingled just under her skin.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Memories
Sometimes I still feel your hands on me. I know it’s been a long time since we were together but I think I’ll always feel phantom touches. You always left a trail of fire. With your fingers, breath, lips. I’m afraid you’ll disappear.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Memories
Do you remember when we went to the zoo early on in our relationship? You were so excited to see the capybaras. You ran to their exhibit and all I could do was watch you. It was then that I knew you were it for me. I knew I wanted to marry you.
When I finally made it to you, you grabbed my hand and held it to your chest. You looked at me with eyes that rivaled the sun. You said, do I look like him? and made the same expression as the capybara. I almost dropped to one knee.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: RE: Memories
Do you ever wonder why I haven't asked you to marry me? I wonder that too.
It was always in the back of my mind. Always on the tip of my tongue. A plan already planned out. A ring sitting heavily in a pair of running shoes I knew you would never touch.
Why didn’t I ever ask you?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Memories
Would you have said yes?
The sob that choked out of Orm couldn’t be stopped. It made her jolt, made her gasp, made her clutch her chest like it was collapsing in on itself.
Would you have said yes?
Orm would’ve exhausted her voice with yes, yes, god yes, I’ll marry the heck out of you .
She always dreamt about it.
The way Ling asked always changed. Orm imagined something grandeur - roses in the shape of a heart on the beach, an arch made of twinkle lights and sheer drapes. Soft music playing from a hidden speaker. Ling standing in the middle of it all in clean white slacks, a white button up, sleeves rolled up to her elbows.
Orm imagined something lowkey - the two of them sitting in a diner they loved, sharing a plate of pancakes (and then another because Ling loved pancakes), some song playing from a jukebox. Orm would be drinking hot chocolate, Ling a black coffee, and as Ling leaned forward to wipe whip cream away, she would pull out a ring…
So many different ways. None of it mattered as long as Ling asked her.
All Orm wanted was to be asked.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: RE: Work
The new branch finally opened. I saw you got a promotion. I always knew you were meant for big things. I can’t say enough how proud I am of you.
How does it feel?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: One year
Is it pathetic of me to still send you emails? Do you even check this? I used to request read receipts but then I thought, if I were in your position, would I send a read receipt?
Pathetic or not, know that I still think about you. I still miss you.
I hope one day I’ll hear from you.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: One year
Do you see the date? This would’ve been our fourth anniversary.
If only things were different , Orm thought.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Date
I went on a date last night. The first one since you broke up with me. I didn’t want to go but Junji insisted. I don’t regret it, I had a good time, but I think partially it was because she reminded me of you.
She was tall, fair skinned, dirty blonde hair, and had a wide smile. She didn’t sound like you though. Didn’t have the same touch as you. Didn’t have the same energy. I won’t be going out with her again.
The thought of Ling going on a date shouldn’t have affected Orm this much. She shouldn’t have cared. It has been so long that none of this should’ve mattered. But it did.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Date
Have you gone on a date yet?
Yes , Orm wanted to reply.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Thought
I’ve been thinking about quitting my job, or taking a really long leave. Someone suggested a sabbatical. But really, I think I need a change of scenery. New air to breathe, new people to see. Maybe a different city. Maybe a different country.
Will you let me visit Chiang Mai?
No… Maybe? No… maybe… Orm wasn’t sure. She didn’t own Chiang Mai and it was a big enough city that they wouldn’t crash into each other. But what if they did? Ling knew where she worked, knew all about the branch she opened.
Would Orm be okay with that? What would she do?
A read receipt pop up stopped her from moving onto the next email. Her finger trembled as the cursor hovered yes . She clicked no .
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: RE: Date
I went on another date.
Is it pathetic that all I see is you? All I want is you… still. Always, I think. You were - are the love of my life. I feel crazy. Do I just settle if you’re not coming back?
If we saw each other, what would you do?
What would I do is the question of the moment. I have no clue. Orm stood up and went to pour herself a glass of wine. She didn’t feel like drinking but she felt it was needed. Too many heavy things were sitting on her chest, her heart thudding hard.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Thought
I sent in a request for a two week leave toward the end of the year. There’s still a couple of months for me to plan and choose a place to go. Every time I look at flights and it asks me to enter a destination, I want to type in you .
Wherever you are, Orm, my destination will always be you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth.
Have you forgiven me? I haven’t.
Orm just hurts . She didn’t know what kind of hurt it was. Maybe it was still from how Ling hurt her, maybe it was the way it ended, maybe the distance, maybe memories. Maybe all of it.
She didn’t give herself the time to really sit and feel, process, come to terms with. She left and went straight into work, went straight into distraction. She gave herself no room.
The real question was: Can she forgive Ling?
A quiet, distant yes floated in the back of her head.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Two years
You’ve been out there for almost two years now. How has it been? I hope it’s been everything you needed. I hope your heart has healed. I hope you’re happy.
I still think about you, if these emails were any indication. Do you think about me? Has my name ever left those pretty lips of yours? Does anyone know about me?
No, no one knows about you. It felt like death just thinking about you, saying your name and telling people about you would’ve killed me. Dramatic, I know, but you were the love of my life too.
Orm downed the rest of her wine in one long gulp.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: The end?
Junji has hit me so many times for sending these emails for so long that I’m pretty sure I’ll have this bruise forever. I told her it was worth it, she told me I’m an idiot and I should leave you alone.
Does it matter if these were never read? If anything, this is an outlet. Things she wouldn’t have to hear. Things she doesn’t hear.
But maybe she’s right. Maybe two years is long enough. I haven’t heard from you yet, maybe I never will.
Is this the ultimate end?
It was the last email Ling sent. Orm looked at the date, just under a week ago. Something hot and heavy twisted her heart. Her lungs burned with each shallow breath.
Reading these emails, these thoughts, from Ling shook her foundation… and also somehow grounded her. She always thought about Ling, thought about the what ifs and the maybes and the if onlys .
Over two years worth of emails. Over two years worth of Ling still thinking about Orm, still wanting her, still loving her.
Yes, Ling hurt Orm so much. She broke Orm’s heart, made her feel like she was a nuisance she wanted out of her life. Orm didn’t deserve that. All she wanted was Ling, to be with her in any way.
It was months of Ling treating her like that, and sure, maybe it was a temporary thing. Maybe if Orm stuck it out, things would’ve gone back to normal. They would’ve been happy .
Orm had more self-respect than to put up with that though.
She thought a break would help. That if they just separated for a bit, gave each other space and time to settle down, they would come back to each other. But something shifted in that time they weren’t together.
Ling became insistent and Orm could breathe. Yes, she hurt and hurt and hurt and life was so hard and broken, but breaths came easier. Her anxiety lessened. Her hands only shook sometimes. Her heart still beat behind cracked walls.
Ending things made the most sense.
But now? After all these emails, after all this time, could Orm move on without that full closure?
She needed a moment to think so she tried clicking on the junk folder only to see a read receipt pop up.
Lingling Kwong requested a read receipt to be sent when “The end?” is read. Do you want to send a receipt?
Yes. No.
If Orm clicked yes , would Lingling see it?
The email was sent a few days ago; is she hoping Orm would see it? Is she even still keeping track, if Orm hasn’t responded to any?
Before she could talk herself out of it, Orm clicked yes .
It would only be a matter of time if Lingling saw the receipt or not. If she did though, would she respond? Should Orm respond? She wasn’t sure how read receipts worked.
Orm sat there for who knows how long, watching the screen, refreshing every so often, scared that a response would come through… scared that nothing would.
She was just about to close the laptop with a sigh when a notification sound rang. She froze as a new email sat at the very top, Lingling’s name staring at her. She responded .
With a trembling hand, Orm clicked on it.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: Orm?
Orm, hi. I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating or not, but you’re there, right? You read my emails? I’m not going crazy?
A shaky chuckle bubbled up Orm’s throat, tickling the inside of her mouth. She got suddenly nauseous. This was the first communication she had with Lingling. She wanted to throw up.
She replied,
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Hi Lingling. If you’re going crazy then so am I. But yes, I’m here.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I don’t know what to say. I’m speechless; it’s been over two years. I guess I should start with, how are you?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Yeah, it’s been a minute, huh? But I’m good, Lingling. I'm really good. How are you?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
A really long minute. My hands are shaking. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe you’re here . You’re here…
And you’re good? Chiang Mai has been treating you well?
I’m good too. Things have been good.
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m weirdly impressed by the amount of emails you sent. You did it for over two years. Commitment.
I’m glad you’re well, Lingling. You deserve to be. How’s work? One of your emails said you got a promotion? And that you were taking a short leave.
Chiang Mai has been amazing. Not once did I feel out of place here. It was scary at first and hard but I made a home for myself. Everything’s good.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
You have no idea how many more I wanted to send. I wanted to send every thought I had and share things that were happening. Then I remembered I had no right…
I’m so glad it’s been good for you out there. I know what it’s like to start brand new. I know how hard it could be. But you’re you and you’ve always been good at making space for yourself.
Work’s good. I got promoted again. I have my own department and people working for me. I have a really good team. Not without its hiccups, of course, but overall really good.
Yeah, two weeks leave. I’m looking forward to it, even though I still don’t know where I’m going. Got any suggestions?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m glad you stopped yourself. A hundred emails was a little more than enough.
That’s what my mom said. As much as she was worried for me, she knew that I would eventually be fine. I knew too. I needed this. I can breathe here.
Congrats on another promotion. You always did have that boss energy to you. I’m sure your team is happy to have you lead them.
Where’s calling you?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I only barely stopped myself. Did you read all of them?
Mae raised you well. How is she?
I’m proud of you, Orm.
I’ve been told once or twice that I’m pretty cool. They do know that I can put my foot down if I need to.
I think you know the answer to that.
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’ll be honest, I read about half. I only have so much energy and seeing your name took a lot out of me. Reading what you had to say… idk, it hurt.
Mom’s good. I talk to her a few times a week. I miss her a lot.
I’m proud of you too, Ling.
I think I do too. I don’t know what to say.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m so sorry, Orm. I regret everything I did that hurt you. I still haven’t forgiven myself. I don’t know how to. Have you forgiven me?
Has she gone to visit you?
In that email where I mentioned taking a leave, I wrote that while looking at flights, it said to enter a destination… no matter what I tried to type, it was always your name that filled the box. I swear the letters O R M have been wiped off my keyboard.
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I don’t really want to talk about that right now. Maybe another time? When I have the energy.
She hasn’t yet, no. I didn’t let her. But I finally did invite her and dad and brother. She’s looking at their schedule to see when they can come. I’m really excited about it.
Ling… I can’t forbid you from coming to Chiang Mai, I don’t own it. What I can say is that I can’t promise to see you, if that’s what you’re really asking for. What I can say is that if you do choose to come to Chiang Mai, I hope you don’t come around my job. Unless I give permission.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Of course. Whenever you want, Orm. I’m here… for as long as you want me.
Why didn’t you let her visit before? You two have always been so close. But regardless, that makes me happy that they’ll be visiting you. It’ll be great.
I know but it’s your home now and I don’t want to cross a line that you might’ve set. I don’t want to go and see you on every corner, or in coffee shops, or through window reflections. If you’re there, then I would only want to see you. How could I not?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Even now, even through everything, you… just have a way of making me feel things, and I hate it. I know I said I didn’t want to talk about it, and I don’t, but… god , Ling. Please don’t respond to this. I just needed to let it out.
She reminded me of home, which I know is silly because she is my home, but in this new space, new place, I wanted to make it my own. I wanted a clean slate, nothing of home to taint it. Fresh start, you know?
I really do appreciate you saying that and that you’re respecting my space. When does your leave start?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
You have no idea how badly I want to respond to that. My heart is overflowing.
It’s not silly. It makes complete sense. If I were in your position I would want the same thing. I applaud you for being able to do that.
Three weeks; the end of the month. How’s the weather out there?
I know I shouldn’t ask this, and I mentioned it a couple times in previous emails, but have you gone on any dates?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Don’t drown.
The weather is perfect right now. Sunny and warm, sometimes there’s a cool breeze. Some humidity. Nothing like Bangkok. I’ve been spoiled out here with this weather.
I’ll humor you, Ling. Yes, I have gone on a date. Just one.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
For you, I would.
I’m really jealous. You know Bangkok weather but it’s been especially bad lately. So much humid rain, such sticky heat. It’s rough out here.
That’s all you’re going to give me? No other details? Why only one?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Keep saying things like that and see what happens.
Yeah, no. I do not miss that weather at all. Not that it can’t get like that out here but nowhere near that. I don’t think my hair would survive it anymore.
Fine, I’ll humor you again. Only one because I don’t feel the need or urge to date. I’m content with how my life is right now. I don’t need anything more than my friends.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Say things like what? That I would trek mountains and valleys for you? That I would risk hail and fire for you? Things like that?
Your frizzy hair was always one of my favorite things about you. Always wearing a hat to keep it down.
I’m glad to hear that. But what was she like? What did you two do?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I swear to god, Ling. I’m not in the mood for that.
I had a great hat collection. I’m kinda sad I didn’t bring any with me.
Okay , I’ll humor you once more because you’re going to laugh. It wasn’t a she . I went on a date with a guy, and he took me to dinner. It was really nice. We became friends.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
…what kind of mood are you in?
You really did. I still have a few. But why didn’t you take any with you?
A guy? Are you into guys now? Orm, I’m almost speechless. I need to know more, please.
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
…Ling. I swear to god.
Just like mom, they reminded me of home. Didn’t want them around my new space but I have bought some more! Building that collection back up.
No , I’m not into guys. My friend set me up and at the time I didn’t tell her I liked girls. I just went with it to make her happy and to get out of my comfort zone. I ended up with a new friend.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Please don’t stop talking to me.
When you say home, I get the feeling you mean something else with it. Am I right about that?
Wow. That’s really funny. What did your friend say when you told her you’re into girls?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I won’t but you’re on thin ice, pal!
Yeah, I do mean something else when I say that.
She hit me, gave me a nice bruise. She’s been trying to set me up with a few girls but I keep telling her no.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Good thing I’m a good swimmer then!
Is it about me?
As much as I hate to say this but maybe you should say yes to one of her set ups. Maybe then she’ll back off a little bit?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m going to say this, sometimes I miss your dumb sense of humor.
It is about you. Everything I owned had you in it in some way.
You may be right about that. Love her but she’s persistent. But what if I do go on a date and things work out?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
So you miss me? (kidding unless you do)
I’m sorry, Orm. Truly. You had a lot of cool stuff. So I’m assuming you didn’t take much?
As much as I hate to say this, or think it, but would that be a bad thing?
Orm sighed and shook out her hands. It has been nice talking to Ling again as much as it did make her dizzy. She told Ling some things that maybe she shouldn’t have but it had always been easy with her. Ling always let Orm talk, always listened, always responded in her specific ways.
Looking at the time on the laptop, Orm groaned. It was almost 1 am and she had an early meeting in the morning. She didn’t really want to stop talking to Ling but she had to sleep. And if she was being honest, she needed to recuperate. Needed to gather her thoughts and feelings.
Unconsciously, she smiled at Ling’s email. So you miss me? After talking with Ling for a while now, Orm knew she did. She really did, as much as her heart ached.
She replied,
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Unfortunately.
I only brought two things with me: this laptop and the shirt you made me for our one year anniversary.
I honestly don’t know.
But… I do have to go now. I have an early meeting.
It was really nice talking with you again, Ling. Maybe 2 years is what I needed. Maybe we can keep talking.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
“Unfortunately”. That’s the best answer I could’ve gotten.
That was a good shirt, wasn’t it? One of the best things I’ve ever created. I’m glad to know you still have that.
I have an early meeting too, I just didn’t want to stop talking to you. I would love nothing more to keep this going. Do you still want to email? Or can we take this to Line?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I’m fine with Line. Do you still have the same user? If so, I’ll unblock you.
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
I still can’t believe you blocked me… but yes, I still have the same user. Send me a message when you do?
From: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
To: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
You really should’ve expected that. You were a little persistent in trying to contact me. Don’t you remember?
From: Lingling Kwong <[email protected]>
To: Orm Kornnaphat <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: Orm?
Orm… don’t make me say it…
Orm laughed as she read Ling’s response. There was still hurt, still things she hasn’t been able to heal from yet. But this was a good start, she thought. This was needed.
Opening up the Line app and going to her blocked contacts, Orm looked at Ling’s user. She remembered the day she blocked her, after receiving almost 10 texts in a row. Ling was never one to send multiple texts and Orm couldn’t deal with it. Her pleads and begs and apologies. Not then. Not at that time when all Orm wanted was to sleep for a very long time.
Orm unblocked Ling and opened a new chat with her.
0rmk0rn02
I really do want to make you say it but I don’t think I can handle that.
llk_00k95
Good because I don’t think I can handle it either.
Hi Orm
0rmk0rn92
Hi Ling… goodnight Ling.
We’ll talk later?
llk_00k95
Whenever you want. I’m here.
Goodnight Orm.
Orm stared at the screen until it went black. Her heart thudded in her chest with a mix of emotions. She didn’t know what to make of any of them, just knew that maybe there was something there. Something that could grow. Something old that can be watered and flourish.
Maybe she was getting ahead of herself. There was still hurt that needed to be addressed. Still serious talks and open honesty. Still so much, and it scared Orm a little bit, but she felt like maybe it was worth the possibility. If that was something she could end up wanting again.
But that’s for another day.
What needed to be done was to get ready for bed. She showered and did her nighttime routine. She slipped into soft shorts and an even softer shirt. She climbed into bed and sighed at the way her bed and blanket enveloped her.
Just before putting her phone to charge, Orm opened Line again and the new text thread with Lingling.
“ Whenever you want. I’m here. ” Orm read aloud. “ I’m here .”
In a faint dream, Orm could see Lingling walking towards her, wearing Orm’s favorite smile. She would stop just a few inches in front of Orm and say, “ I’m here .”