Chapter Text
The Silence is So Loud
-Once Tom finished cleaning off Shadow’s hands and paws, Tom dug under the sink for the gauze; Shadow’s paws were badly cracked and needed to be taken care of. Shadow didn’t so much as flinch when Tom wrapped up his paws; and that was when he noticed the sole of Shadow’s feet needed the gauze as well. Just what exactly happened to this kid? As Tom worked, Shadow remained silent; it was a bit disconcerting, but Tom couldn’t force Shadow to communicate. It had to be his choice to talk.
-Which kindaaa resulted in Shadow saying nothing until Tom finished with the gauze. And there was a slightttt chance Tom was concerned about that; but not too much, just ever so slightly.
-He really needed to get better at being mentally sarcastic.
-After Tom finished with all the scratches and cracks, Tom gave Shadow a once-over; his arms and feet were wrapped up, his paws were semi-wrapped in gauze(working around the fingers had been tricky), but he looked better. The one thing Tom was worried about was Shadow’s ear. His bent one hadn’t so much as twitched in the entirety of the time he’d been here, and his good one now laid flat against his head. Should he be concerned? Couldn’t hurt to ask; oh wait. It could. Great.
“Hey Shadow? How’s the ear feeling?”
-Shadow didn’t so much as blink in response to Tom’s question. He just sat there, staring at the floor. Did he not hear him? Odd. Tom waved a hand right where Shadow was looking, which caused to the hedgehog to startle and look at him. His good ear twitched, but remained pinned against his head.
“I asked how’s the ear feeling?”
-Shadow furrowed his brow, though it didn’t seem out of confusion regarding the question. Tom made the ‘okay’ symbol and gestured to his own ear, hoping that helped. Shadow looked away.
-Something was wrong.
-Tom shifted on the floor, kneeling in-front of Shadow so the hedgehog would look at him.
“Shadow, what’s going on?”
-Shadow’s brow furrowed even deeper, not seeming to understand. Tom saw the exact moment Shadow seemed to come to some realization, because a spark of horror lit his eyes before he shut them tight, turning away. Tom was tempted to ask again, but bit his tongue, instead focusing on what he was missing; it was right in-front of him, but he couldn’t quiet catch it. He was so close to the answer he was missing the bigger picture; he had to back up. So he did.
-And then it struck him too.
-Pulling out his phone, he wrote out a message and held out the phone to Shadow. The hedgehog opened his eyes and read the message:
-Can you hear me?
-Shadow tensed once he read it, not looking Tom in the eye.
-But that was answer enough.
- -*-
-Once Shadow had pinned his good ear against his head, he had dully noted it was more quiet. Assuming it was just Tom not talking, he hadn’t thought about it, letting himself retreat into planning, pondering what to do after all of this. Tom’s question poked into a part of him Shadow hadn’t realized was still whole; until he felt it break. He wasn’t sure how many more pieces of himself he could handle falling apart before he completely broke; but he felt he was getting close. He felt his good ear twitch again, lifting from his head. Once it did, Tom’s voice wafted in, blurred but audible.
“….new. Don’t worry, I’ll…..dow.”
-Shadow didn’t need to think about why this had happened. He knew. He glanced down, staring at the claws he bore. He could still feel them dig into his ears and break through, piercing the skin and fur; he still remembered the muscle he’d felt moving, squirming like a living thing in his palm before Tom had grabbed his wrists, keeping him from further tearing his ear apart. Despite the intervention, the damage had already been done; he now could close his eyes and see himself causing the injury that had bent the ear to begin with; now he had torn into it until he couldn’t use it for anything.
-This was his own fault. And the voices in his head seemed to revel in the fact.
-You know you’re right; how do you expect them to take this? How can you think them to be willing to help when you caused this to yourself?
-Shadow bit his lip, turning his head away so Tom wouldn’t the tears starting to form. His time in the cave had scarred him in more than just the physical; it made him emotional. Vulnerable. Pathetic. His mind no longer felt like a safe place to retreat to, but a living hell he couldn’t escape from. Nothing he did kept the voices at bay except ripping at the seams or tearing himself to pieces.
-So why did a part of him want to keep going? To rip himself open until the guilt and voices finally left him alone?
-Monster; you can’t even keep yourself under control; no wonder the scientists didn’t want you with her . They knew you would cause her demise, but you didn’t listen; she saw you as harmless, and you just played along; and whose fault is that ?
-Shadow clenched his hands into loose fists; the gauze wrapped around his hands kept him from doing the damage he wanted for the time being. He would have to wait for a while; the realization of just what he was thinking caused his heart to sink, his stomach aching as if the understanding made him sick.
-Tom’s hand waving right in-front of his eyes caused his head to lift, worry seeping in at Tom’s concerned expression. Tom pointed to Shadow’s good ear, which Shadow then realized had re-pinned itself to his head. Tom placed his own hand, palm down, on top of his own head, then slowly lifted his head up. Shadow blinked a couple times before it hit him; Tom wanted him to lift his good ear from his head.
-You really are an idiot.
-Shadow flinched at the thought as he tentatively lifted his ear. Tom sat there, his expression shifting to one Shadow couldn’t decipher. He knew exactly when his ear fully lifted because he could hear his shaking foot tapping the floor. How long had he been doing that? Tom gestured to the door.
“You want to head out? I’m thinking maybe we can find something small for you to eat; when did you last have anything?”
-Shadow furrowed his brow. His sleep pattern had been erratic during the blizzard, though he knew he hadn’t had anything for three days when it started. Given the amount of times he saw the sun…or moon…that was, what, five days or so? Six? Sensing his confusion, Tom held up his phone, which showed a report on the blizzard. Tom had written something underneath:
-The blizzard started a week ago. Do you know how many days it’s been?
-Shadow felt his stomach twist as he realized he had been out there, in the blizzard, for a week. That was ten days that he’d spent alone without food or water. Ten whole days that had stolen his strength and broken his spirit as surely as it had weakened his bones.
-There was no way he could say that. No way he could bring himself to admit he’d been too weak to take care of himself for ten days. The memory of himself, alone and crying in the cave, was too crushing a reality he’d suffered for him to relive in order to appease Tom. He turned his head away, dropping his gaze. He clenched his eyes shut to avoid Tom’s gaze, but doing so only forced him to face his mind, the hell that was within himself that nothing he did could help to ease the pain it brought. The memories were clear and loud, reminding him of each and every moment he’d spent during the blizzard for a whole week.
-Worse, he was reminded of the last time he’d ventured out for food before the blizzard started.
-One of the worst moments of his life.
- -*-
-Shadow stumbled into the cave, barely making it to his little spot before the strength in his legs gave out, sending him crumbling to the cave floor. His breathing was sporadic, his body shaking as his mind didn’t let go of what he’d seen.
-A woman with a ink-black ponytail, interrogating an old man regarding recent alien intrusions. The man hadn’t known anything, but the woman had sent Shadow reeling. He’d recognized her.
-Director Rockwell.
-As she’d left the town, he’d heard her, yelling to G.U.N. agents that Project Shadow was a monstrous animal that they had to subdue for humanity’s sake. Shadow had watched the entire thing, hiding behind a building on the other side of the road. G.U.N. had come all the way over to find him, and if they did, stasis would be a mercy . He’d temporarily lost control over his body as he sat there, and before he knew it, he’d teleported to the forest, not too far from where the cave was. He’d scrambled to reach it, but his body didn’t entirely listen to his brain’s commands, causing him to fall over more than once as his trembling body wouldn’t obey.
-He’d hoped reaching the cave would help, but it didn’t. His body still shook from terror, his breaths still came erratically, and his head began to ache from the lack of air entering his system. He grabbed at his chest with his right hand as he gasped for air. His left hand fingers curled around the floor of the cave, hoping for it to provide an anchor, a remainder he wasn’t in a lab or a tube or in a hallway with a man he’d murdered it was his fault his fault-
-Shadow released the cave floor as the headache pounded his skull, leaving him reeling and feeling hypoxic. His surroundings began to blur as he felt his right hand slide from his chest, his struggle to breathe the only sound in his ears. The blurry world around started spinning around, moving faster than the carousels Maria loved to talk about.
-He saw his right hand shaking even harder than the rest of his body as it somehow lifted and grabbed at the fur on his chest like a lifeline. Despite the minimal action, the contact did something, as his surroundings stopped spinning around. He clung tighter, shutting his eyes tight as he screamed at his brain to breathe.
-But it didn’t work.
-He felt his fists start to crackle with chaos energy, sparking and causing his body to convulse when a spark hit his chest. His hand dropped from his chest, falling on the cave floor as the convulsions subsided. He kept his eyes screwed shut as no rush of air entered his lungs. Despite not wanting it, he got to his feet, wobbling and leaning against the wall as he panting for breath; and then, even in his lowest point, the voices never left. They simply waited until he had nothing left, then pounced.
- You know that you deserve whatever Rockwell has planned for you; in fact, why don’t you just turn yourself in? Spare them the trouble of hunting down a beast like you and just face what you got coming for you. After everything you did, you know it’s the least that you-
“ I KNOW!”
-Shadow’s scream caused the energy sparking in his fists to increase in intensity. The voices still lingered, waiting to whisper the cruel truth in his ear. Wait.
-His ear.
-Without a moment’s waste, Shadow lifted his right hand and struck his ear, the chaos energy striking his ear with a strength he didn’t know he possessed. An intense pain struck as a result, causing him to slump to the ground. He clenched his eyes tighter against the pain as he sat there, taking a deep breath now that he could; then he did it again, and again, until the fog in his brain cleared and the tightness in his chest loosened. His ear was still in agony, but it was small price to pay now that air flowed into his lungs.
-Shadow opened his eyes and looked down at himself, wincing at the still-present headache as he took in his trembling body. He lifted his shaking legs to his chest, shutting his eyes to keep from crying as he hugged his trembling body to his chest.
-He lifted his head to watch the sun slowly set, casting the blue sky in red, yellow, and pink hues. All the noise from the town didn’t reach him, but he now knew G.U.N. was out there. Shadow watched the sky’s colors fade to black in grim determination, vowing to himself to not venture out for food until he knew it was safe.
-Though he knew it was a death sentence.
-He would never be safe.
- -*-
“…w! Shadow!”
-Shadow’s eyes snapped open at the voice that was somehow both in and outside his head. Once he opened his eyes, however, he found that it was simply outside. Tom was staring at him, worry etched on his face. It wasn’t until then that Shadow realized Tom was holding Shadow’s left hand, no doubt to try to get his attention. Shadow felt his face heat up; he couldn’t go even ten minutes without messing up now; what was he even good for?
“You good there, Shadow? You weren’t responding; what’s wrong?”
-Shadow glanced down, shame mixing with the embarrassment he felt. Tom gently squeezed Shadow’s wrapped hand.
“Hey, no shame, alright? Everyone needs help from time to time, that’s nothing to feel bad about.” Tom gave him a small smile, and, for a moment, Shadow wanted to believe him; wanted to believe that he wasn’t this broken mess that couldn’t handle himself; but to think like that was dangerous; it just opened the door to more pain that would leave him even worse off than before. He couldn’t entertain the notion; it hurt too much to know it couldn’t come true.
“I won’t make you talk if you don’t want to, okay? You don’t have to say; but can I assume it’s been a couple days?” Tom’s smile shifted to a curious expression; he wanted to know if it was okay. Huh. Shadow looked away as he nodded.
“Alright then; what do you say we go look for something for you then? We have plenty of soft stuff you can start off with.” Tom squeezed Shadow’s hand again. Shadow hesitantly lifted his head, unable to process Tom’s reaction; why wasn’t he mad? Everything he knew led to the conclusion that Tom should be mad, but the man still smiled; still cared for how he was doing, wanting to make sure he was okay.
-It was invigorating and overwhelming all at once, leaving Shadow torn between bolting or embracing it.
-Tom got to his feet, sweeping his free hand under Shadow’s leg and scooping him up. Once he had the hedgehog in his arms, Tom then shifted him so Shadow’s head rested on his shoulder, leaving Shadow feeling like a child, his muzzle heating up in embarrassment again. Still, he couldn’t deny it was cozy. He felt his eyes droop shut, the effort to keep them open not worth it.
-Just a couple minutes.
…..
“…adow, wake up.”
-Shadow opened his eyes slightly, not willing to wake up yet. He just felt. So. Tired. Still, he forced the exhaustion away(at least for now) to look at Tom. The man had a fridge opened and was looking through a shelf while trying to wake him. Shadow tried to clear his voice to indicate he wasn’t asleep, but it instead came out as a soft whine. Tom turned to look at him with a smile.
“Afternoon, kiddo. We’ve got some things here, though there is one thing I’m looking for….” Tom’s voice trailed off as he used one hand to keep looking through a shelf. After a few moments, Tom pulled out a small pouch.
“Aha!” Tom held the pouch in the air as if it were a priceless treasure before lowering his arm so the pouch was at Shadow’s level. Shadow still stared at Tom, hoping for an explanation.
“Figured yogurt was a good place to start; hope you like vanilla, kiddo.”
-Shadow reached over and took the pouch; the cap wasn’t something he was used to, but it was easy to figure out and take off. Once he removed the cap, he felt his stomach twist up, causing him to wince. He stared down at the pouch, shame causing his muzzle to flush green; this was ridiculous. He’d been starved for ten days, but his gut left him feeling sick the instant he could fix it. What is wrong with me?!
-Shadow’s hands tightened around the small pouch, his claws starting to dig in, but not tearing anything. Not yet at least. He shut his eyes, unable to keep them open. The guilt at his inability to do anything felt heavier than the snow outside, leaving him feeling….feeling…why don’t I know how I feel?!
-WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
“Hey, Shadow, what’s going on? What’s wrong with-”
-Shadow felt the world fall out from under him at the voice, the word he knew was coming, it always came he was always a mess he couldn’t do anything right. He felt a hand tighten its hold on his back, causing his body to tense; he knew what was coming, the tests, the operations it was never over never enough why wasn’t it enough?!
-The specimen is ready for operation.
-What is wrong with it? It’s not even trying.
-I thought it was powerful; this thing is nothing but a mess.
-Shadow felt his chest tighten, his hands growing clammy, his body starting to shake again everything was blurring and spinning around he couldn’t stop it he couldn’t make it stop he couldn’t control it nothing he did worked he was going to die why wasn’t it staying still nononononono not again-
- -*-
-Sonic flung the attic hatch open, half-tempted to storm down the steps, but instead keeping his noise minimal as he made his way downstairs. Why couldn’t Knuckles just understand? Helping Shadow was the right thing to do! He wasn’t some hate-filled monster or something; he was like them; he’d been hurt, mistreated, and left alone, but whereas Sonic, Tails and Knuckles all found Tom and Maddie, Shadow hadn’t had anyone but a madman. Even worse, Tails seemed to agree with him! He shook his head. He couldn’t let this get under his skin. Since Tom hadn’t returned, Shadow must have woken up at some point; if it had to do with Knuckles so help him.
-Sonic pivoted to the door, but stopped when erratic breathing reached his ears, but not from inside the room. He frowned; where was it coming from? His ear twitched a couple times before he realized the location: The kitchen?
-Sonic rushed over to the kitchen, stopping when he found Tom kneeling on the floor, Shadow backing away. Shadow’s eyes were wide and his body was shaking as he backed away from Tom; at the rate he was going, he was going to smack into the oven door. Sonic looked from Tom to Shadow and back again before he noticed the unfocused look in Shadow’s eyes; in that moment, he understood.
-Without a single word, Sonic slowly approached Tom, resting a hand on his shoulder while keeping his eyes on Shadow, who didn’t seem to have noticed him yet. Once Tom looked up at him, Sonic jerked his thumb over to the hall, hoping his message was clear. Thankfully, it was, as Tom nodded and, with slow movements, slipped away, leaving Sonic to help. Sonic knelt down to Shadow’s level, keeping his hands visible and at his sides. Shadow then seemed to notice him, his breath hitching as he scrambled away. Sonic opened his mouth to try to warn him, but by then, it was too late.
Clang!
-The instant Shadow smacked the oven door, he gave a panic-ridden scream, his left hand grabbing at the white fluff of fur on his chest for dear life. His body shook even harder as he squeezed his eyes shut. Sonic suddenly felt a wave of helplessness wash over him; what could he do? He looked away as he thought back to the first nights after moving in with Tom and Maddie, when the memory of Robotnik became as real as the gloves on his hands and left him screaming in the night. Despite the weeks it took, they always had been there, never not showing up no matter the hour, always willing to help him come back from the nightmares that night. Bingo!
“Hey, Shadow, can you hear me?” Sonic didn’t move closer, just stretched out his arm and laid his hand down on the floor, fingers spread out. Upon Sonic speaking up, Shadow’s eyes snapped open, though they were still unfocused and brimming with terror. Sonic lifted his arm up and put it back down, relief coursing through him when Shadow’s eyes followed the movement.
“Shadow, I need you to breathe for me, okay? I’m not going to touch you, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen; just try to match your breathing to mine.” Sonic took in a deep breath, lifting each finger one by one as he took it in. Once he reached his pinky, he let it out, repeating the pattern. Sonic lifted his hand up next to his head so Shadow could simultaneously see both, keeping his attention on Shadow as he repeated it. With each repetition he did, Shadow’s breathing began to even out, his death grip on his chest loosening up a bit. The haze in Shadow’s eyes began to lift; it didn’t leave completely, but it was starting to. Sonic spread out his hand again.
“What are five things you can see?”
-Shadow blinked at the question, his eyes darting around for a few moments before resting on Sonic again.
“T-t-the l-light. Y-you-u. M-m-me. F-floor-r. D-door.” Shadow’s voice shook, fear overriding his tone. Sonic gave a nod and smiled, lowering his thumb so only four fingers stuck up.
“Great; what are four things you can hear?”
-Shadow seemed to take a moment to think, biting his lip; were his eyes playing tricks on him, or was that green on Shadow’s fang? Must be the lighting.
“Y-you; m-m-me.” His eyes darted around again, no doubt searching for something else; well, Sonic was willing to provide. He slowly tapped his fingers against the floor, shifting his foot so his sneaker gave a little squeaking noise. Shadow looked down at both, and Sonic grinned. He would take it. He lowered another finger.
“You’re doing great; now, three things you can feel?”
-Shadow glanced down at his hands.
“G-gauze; floor-r.” His breath hitched when he stopped, as if not having the third would send him spiraling. Once again, Sonic was willing to help; he extended his hand out for Shadow to touch, only instead of just touching it, Shadow grabbed at it look a lifeline.
“Y-y-your h-hand.”
-Now that Shadow was holding his hand, Sonic could feel just how bad Shadow was shaking. He felt his heart ache as he realized just how terrified Shadow felt. He gave Shadow’s hand a gentle squeeze.
“That’s right, I’m right here; I’m not leaving, okay?”
-The haze in Shadow’s eyes lifted a bit more, disbelief filling the space. Shadow glanced down at their interlocked hands before looking back at him.
“Y-you…w-won’t-t?” Sonic gave a little grin.
“Nope; I’m staying right here. Now, we’re almost there, you’re doing fantastic, honestly. Now, two things you can smell?”
-Shadow gave a confused blink before his eyes darted around. His brow furrowed slightly.
“L-lemon.” Shadow looked around again, his brow furrowing deeper. He turned his head slightly behind him.
“Eggs-s?”
-Sonic glanced up at the counter; sure enough, there was an untouched plate from breakfast still there.
“Yea, it was left behind. One more, you’re doing great; one thing you can taste?”
-Shadow turned to face him, the disbelief fading to concern. Oh. Elaborate, Sonic.
“Just whatever you’re touching with your tongue.” Sonic kept his voice light, hoping that did the trick. Shadow seemed to think for a moment.
“T-the roof of-f my m-mouth?” Shadow looked confused, but his voice was clear of the fear that had choked him just minutes earlier. Sonic gave him a big smile.
“Yep! You feeling any better?”
-Shadow seemed to then realize what all the questions had been for, as after a moment of looking around, shame coated his face as he looked away, eyes shut. Sonic bit his lip before squeezing Shadow’s hand.
“Hey, hey, hey, nothing to be ashamed about, okay? Trust me, I’ve been there dozens of times. Everyone needs help sometimes.”
-Shadow opened his eyes slightly, glancing in Sonic’s direction before closing them again. Sonic reached out with his free hand, placing it on the fluff of Shadow’s chest. The touch caused him to look up, eyes wide but holding no fear. Sonic squeezed Shadow’s hand again.
“I don’t think less of you for needing help, Shadow.”
-Shadow’s eyes widened slightly, tears filling his eyes, but he seemed to try to keep from crying. Sonic gave a little smile.
“Are you alright if I give you a hug?”
-Shadow’s eyes widened a bit more, but after a moment, he closed them shut and nodded. Sonic slowly scooted next to Shadow and wrapped his arms around him, holding Shadow close as he leaned to Shadow’s good ear to whisper
“I’m not leaving.”
-Shadow’s arm, once limp at his sides, now held onto Sonic tightly as he started crying, only now letting himself be open. Sonic moved one of his hands to Shadow’s back, gently rubbing a small circle as he occasionally whispered “I’m right here.”
-And he was. Sonic hugged him until the crying subsided, until Shadow’s hold went limp and his arms dropped, and until Shadow’s eyes drooped shut, breathing deeply as exhaustion caught up to him.
-And Sonic still held Shadow close.