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Sand. Golden, pale and glimmering sand that reminded Rey of abandoned homes and unpaid debts, an eternity ago. But there was no reason for that bunch of sand right there, by the hidden pond of Ach-To, where she often went to bathe after training with Luke or when she wanted to enjoy the solitude. Around the pond, polished walls of stone reflected the light over the swaying water like natural mirrors, even sending Rey her own image back when the angle was right.
But that fistful of sand at her feet had no place in there, among the moss and grass. And way less common was the huge basket on top of it, barely a few steps away from the dancing water. Rey frowned as she walked closer to the closed basket, about as tall as her waist and wide as Unkar Plutt’s evacuating seat. Would it be some surprise test by Luke? Rey started feeling dizzy, the kind of half-pleasurable unease that comes before witnessing something beautiful. An otherworldly sense of eeriness took hold of her as the basket started… vibrating. Was this the Force within her? Was this her newly discovered power warning her to be alert, or to be thrilled? Both, perhaps?
Out of nowhere, a drumming buzz floated to her ears, inviting, not unlike the music she heard sometimes back in Jakku. Maybe the sand had awoken memories of what she’d called home, though she’d tried hard to keep them away. But no matter how many walls she tried building around her mind, the images of deserts, lonely nights and that pale, dark-haired boy still haunted her. Specially him.
Before she could find an answer for such nonsensical, unnecessary foreshadowing intro thoughts, the basket cover popped up like a flying potato chip and disappeared towards the sky.
“Wha…?”
The drumming intensified and a faint scent of body oil and parfum disarmed her senses. Tearing a gasp from Rey, a tall, pale figure emerged from the basket, his hands together over his head in a prayer-like pose, ripped abs shimmering beneath the lightest lilac veil. For a moment, the hundreds of tiny tassels and coins covering the silk captured the sunrays and blinded Rey, just in case this phenomenon wasn’t enough to melt her retinas and part of her brain along with them.
Sometimes a girl sees strange things. Things that haunt you for a lifetime, assaulting you in lonely nights and juggling with your whoremones, and you never guess if it was a pleasing experience or not, until you grow old and wrinkled and in your deathbed you’re still wondering, stiff and eyes wide open, as if a lemur had bred with a raisin.
This was one of them.
Her undergarments started weighing a little bit more as Kylo Ren, sith apprentice, dark raven-haired lord clapped and every single bird in the island started singing at once. Out of the basket came the rest of his body, and Rey’s pupils seemed pinball marbles over those oiled hips, speeding from beauty mark to mole as Kylo proved her that, definitely, hips don’t lie.
And these hips wanted to bone her into oblivion.
“Behold the true power of the Dark Side”, he murmured as he took a horse-like step to come out of the basket. When his serpent of love thumped over the edge, Rey jumped backwards, screaming. For Kylo Ren was dancing the dessert dance of passion, and the veils surrounding his legs were thin, unlike what was between them.
“There are so many things that you don’t know, my scavenger dove”, he said with a deadpan face, focused as he was in wiggling his chest to liven the tassels tangled in the triangular bush of hair on his chest. The curls embraced them, trying to suffocate their golden light with unmeasurable gluttony. The chestmane was so thick it had its own gravitational pull, as Rey soon checked when her head started bending towards him, following the rhythm.
“I… I can’t”, she stuttered. “Master Luke warned me about the dangers of bellydance and I will not fall into this sinful pit you’re trying to draw me in!”
She grabbed her staff, ready to defend her purity, but a quick hipshake from Kylo sent it flying to the other side of the walls around the pond. And it wasn’t a veil or a leg what he’d used to throw it away.
“Of course he warned you, my sweet little cucumber”. Kylo approached her, and with each one of his steps, his hips painted mesmerizing circles in the air. It was obscene. It was what hormonal dreams and edgy tampon commercials were made of.
He came so close in his dance, Rey could sight the deep, black eyeliner surrounding his lustful eyes. Suddenly she knew where that unceasing, musical drumming came from: Kylo himself, particularly his buttocks clashing beneath the see-through silk. Such was the power of the dark side, a power desired by every wicked soul in the galaxy, the might to make your armies march to the rhythm of your clapping ass.
“Did he never tell you what caused the fall of his academy? It wasn’t a sith attack, my piece of sugary heaven. It was a fateful Saturday night”, Kylo panted as he side-humped his way all around Rey.
“Lies! Lies and nothing more! I know it was your bloody lightsaber what caused so much death among innocent padawans”. She walked away, but the dark apprentice threw one of the veils around her waist and drew her back to his arms of steel.
“No, Rey. It was passion what brought them down. For beating hearts hold the truth, and not the false peace the Light preaches so much. Luke Skywalker knew this, and so one night he gathered us all in the hall and told us that we were about to witness the true power of the Force in all its glory.”
“No…” she murmured, only a layer of cloth separating her body from those shimming abs that could grate cheese.
“Yes, my lustbringer squirrel, so it was. And he disrobed and we all saw that he was covered in silks and twinkling metal jewels, and there was glee and rejoicing. And he told us that ‘this was an ancient dancing ritual that celebrated the joy of life and bonding feelings’, and he’d brought a dusty old grimoire explaining the subtleties of its moves and the philosophy within. But it was such an old volume that as soon as he opened it, it turned into ashes. So Luke Skywalker shrugged and said ‘Alright, since we have no clue what this was all about, we shall make it sexy at least’. And thus he started dancing.”
Rey’s eyes looked like boiled eggs struggling to pop out as she tried to visualize such preposterous image. “No way! You surely don’t expect me to believe this!”
“Have I ever lied to you?” As she couldn’t find a positive answer, he smirked, his cheeks covered in glitter and sweat. “I’m telling you this as I witnessed it. And Rey, my dearest fluffy flower, how passionately the master danced! All our padawany jaws dropped as if an invisible mechanic had loosened the screws that kept them stuck to our skulls. The veils covering his body had every color in the rainbow, precious gems adorned his hair and manly waist, and his jeweled feet moved so swiftly that one of the padawans fainted, unable to process such agility. But as he danced across the hall like a tornado of shimmys, bodywaves and camel passes, I endured it all and understood that this was a whole another level of might and magic, and if I was to learn this, I’d become the most powerful fighter in the galaxy.”
“That’s why you killed them all. To absorb their power after they'd learnt that technique”, she gasped.
Kylo Ren’s arms clenched around a bewildered Rey, whose attempts to struggle waned away as words slid into her ears like some poison of knowledge. It was also worthy of mention that Kylo had wrapped one leg around her waist possessively, thus hardening the task of breaking free of this serpent’s embrace.
He continued whispering his wicked truth by her cheek.
“I killed no one. You know who did?”
No. She didn’t. By the power of their still green force-bond, she was already grasping the thoughts inside Kylo’s mind, pouring in her own. But the dark knight’s tongue was merciless, as unstoppable as the wiggle of his thighs.
“The vault upon us was held by strong columns and the night mist sneaked in from the outdoors, but Luke’s spinning brushed it away in blueish spirals. He pounced, balanced, and a few minutes into his dance he started singing. An otherworldly sound spurted out of his jedi throat as his tongue flicked and smashed inside his mouth, his adam’s apple hitting the bottom of his chin repeatedly, like begging his owner to be put out of its misery.”
“No! Stop it, you steel-nippled scoundrel! Master Luke would never, ever sing. He’s forbidden me to do so, even! He warns me repeatedly about the evils of singing.”
“Of course he does, the coward old man. Ask yourself, ‘why did he ever exile himself? Why does he still look burdened by unfathomable regret and shame, why does he break into tears whenever he hears anything that resembles a beating drum or a catchy chorus?’. Deep inside you know the answer, Rey.”
For the first time since she’d stepped into the secret pond, the scavenger padawan was out of words. Kylo’s pearly smirk widened, as his glutei widened as well before clapping again. The birds were still singing their mesmerizing music, and the stone walls delivered back the images of him holding her against his not-entirely-but-to-be-honest-quite-super-naked body.
“Oh, how he lost himself in the dance as we stared. He was like the liveliest flower that ever stepped in a desert farm, the veils spreading around his shining body like wings of an acid-imbued dragonfly. The Force rippled around him, and the le-le-le-le-lehs echoing out of his mouth were like metal drums beating against our brains. He tingled, shimmered, his golden hair was by now a puffed glittery pompom about to break free from his head. And with deep amazement we saw our master clap his asscheeks as no hands could ever clap, so fast and loud the columns started grumbling.”
Rey’s lips parted in disbelief, only inches away from Kylo’s cushiony, ever-talking mouth.
“It could have stopped there. But though the rest of the padawans were so afraid, I was hungry to learn this new aspect of the Force. Luke Skywalker ass-clapped his way around the hall, cleaning his unmentionable parts with the laws of physics and good writing, and when the first chorus ended, not only his buttocks clapped, but now his pectorals were clapping as well, and my feet were dancing to the beat, possessed by the demons of bellydancing might. And the walls creaked, the columns started yielding beneath the shockwaves coming out of Luke Skywalker’s self-spanking muscles, and a rain of dust and gravel threw its first grains upon our unaware heads.”
“No…” she gasped, out of her breath.
“Yes. He was the one who destroyed the academy that night. The vault gave in just as he hollered the last verse of this ancient song with silver-shining eyes. At this point he was levitating, the tassels on his bra exploding one by one like racketing fireworks.”
“Only I survived thanks to my reflexes. A last clap from his asscheeks and the whole academy blew into dust and glitter. And guess who carried the blame after such display of forbidden power.”
“Oh, Kylo, that can’t be! I-I can’t believe such…!”
“Of course you can’t. I tried to explain, to tell what had really happened, but no one believed me. So I had to become an exiled prince of the darkness, and by the grace of Snoke’s training and Hux’s gingerly, effective evilness, I could spend these last years gathering as much lost knowledge as I could about the bellydancing depths of the Force. And now I’ve returned here to complete my rightful vengeance against the man who framed me, and take with me the woman whose legs are meant to frame my oiled, shredded body.”
Rey gasped for a thousandth time that afternoon. Without noticing, her arms were now around Kylo’s broad shoulders and her breathing was now superficial, fast, aching for forbidden learning.
“He lied to me?”
“He did. And he’s been keeping you from your true potential because of his own mistakes. You’re stronger than he ever was, and the Force waves between us with the strength of a thousand dancing suns. I could teach you so much, Rey, my sighmonger, three-bunned chinchilla of lust. Come to me, and let us dance the dance of unstrained power.”
There had been so much falseness in her world, so much distrust. Rey was tip-toeing at the edge of a bottomless cliff, and Kylo’s dark promises lulled her in with purring, half-singing tones. His bejeweled arms and legs were like boas around her. Wait, both her legs? How was he still managing to stand taller than her? Oh true… it was another of the misteries of the Force. Misteries that Kylo Ren was offering to open for her, like a smutty Pandora’s box.
With a faint whisper, she laid lax against his silk-covered chest.
“Teach me then, you monster of the dancefloor.”