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He retches against the toilet seat once more, emptying his stomach from the first drink he had earlier that night. At one point, he began counting down the drinks that were leaving his body by the same place they entered. In the first five minutes, he was throwing up his last drink. Then the fourth. Then came the third and the second. Since his stomach has somehow become calmer, he's sure that was the first glass of wine leaving his body.
The man next to him is holding his hair. At some point, he tied it into a ponytail. Now, he was merely pulling aside the loose strands and his bangs, sometimes drying the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand. It doesn't feel as intimate as it does disgusting. Sharing the drinks and chatting was intimate. Being accompanied to the restroom to hurl them out was appalling.
The hand stroking his sweat-covered back feels wrong. How weird, it was the same hand that held his cheek earlier in the night. How could he change his opinions on it so quickly?
It wasn't that much of the physical feeling of it as it was the emotional one. He had been all sweaty and disgusting for days now, courtesy of Sumeru's most humid and hot season of the year. Even then, it felt nice to have Alhaitham's hand caressing him. So why didn't it feel that way now? What changed?
He can hear the man next to him ask if he's done. He nods absentmindedly as he's pulled back and his mouth is cleaned by a wet rag. Physically, he's cleaner than before, yet he can't stop that sickening feeling from giving him a shiver.
"If you're cold, I can get the bathtub ready. You'll feel better."
Kaveh doesn't remember the next ten minutes. He comes back once his clothes are off and his skin touches the water. His mind doesn't feel any clearer than it did before, even as he begins pouring water over his face and hair. He rests his head against Alhaitham's shoulder.
"Stay still, you're drenching my clothes."
Kaveh doesn't move; he hums and feels a hot sigh on his nose. Alhaitham doesn't move him either, keeps brushing the washcloth over his shoulders without any more complaints.
"This feels gross."
"Well, I told you you'd regret having another glass."
"I don't mean that."
What does he mean, then? From what he knows, actions like this should be described as intimate. Familiar. Close.
Yet every time Alhaitham takes care of his sickly, weak body, Kaveh can only wish he had more wine to puke out. Nothing will come out now even if he was nauseous. Maybe he just needs to burp. He can't tell the difference right now.
"You're too nice to me."
Alhaitham's response is immediate. "I'm always too nice to you."
Next time he opens his eyes, he's been moved to the bedroom. He lies on the mattress, wearing a robe, as Alhaitham lazily dries his hair with a towel.
"I don't get it."
Alhaitham stops. He sets the towel aside and moves to the wardrobe, already picking up some of his clothes for Kaveh to wear.
You could just get my clothes, he thinks, they're right there. Kaveh enjoys wearing Alhaitham's clothes the most. They're a size too big, and they always have the most comfortable texture due to his sensory issues. Being able to wear his smell is just a bonus.
Alhaitham always complains about having to do extra laundry if Kaveh dares to use even a single sock of his, so why would he go out of his way to give Kaveh his own set of clothes? He's doing him a favour. Alhaitham is always doing him favours.
Kaveh's stomach turns again.
He doesn't realise he's crying until he feels Alhaitham's thumb caressing his cheek.
"I don't get it." He repeats. "You didn't have to do all of that for me. I can pass out in the bathroom and go on with my life. You don't have to take care of me."
Alhaitham doesn't pay too much attention to his words while dressing him up. They've had this conversation way too many times. He's seen Kaveh crying for the same reason before; he knows his reaction won't change Kaveh's mind. Only time can fix him.
"Because you deserve to be taken care of." His response never changed. Kaveh has heard him say it over a hundred times already, and every time he growls in disappointment.
"You don't listen to me when I tell you to be careful, so the only thing I can do to fix it is care for you in your place."
Kaveh looks away. He can see some papers scattered on the nightstand. Judging by the messy drawings and wine stains, he can guess they're his own doing, some building he designed after the first two glasses.
He likes the bursts of inspiration he gets from alcohol. It doesn't feel that different to drawing flowers and animals as a child; it feels natural. Alhaitham isn't that much of an artist; he probably stopped drawing flowers when he began reading about them. Yet every time he picks out Kaveh's drunken designs from wherever he finds them and leaves them on his side table so Kaveh can look at them first thing in the morning.
His stomach turns once more at the realisation. Alhaitham was doing way too much for him. Crying can convey how much the thought of that hurts.
Alhaitham kisses him right under his eye as a new tear escapes him. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do anything at all. Kaveh would still love him even if he didn't love him back. He's that type of person, one who'd love everyone and anyone, no matter how much they walk over him.
Kaveh is too full of love for everyone. The ones who wronged him always have a reason behind it; those he doesn't like must not be conscious of their wrongdoings. There's always an excuse; if he can’t find it, that means he didn’t know enough about the person, and thus, he cannot judge them correctly.
Azar is a good example of that. He hurt so many people in Sumeru with his plans, ruined so many lives and caused so much suffering. In the end, he was doing what he believed was the right thing to do. Kaveh can’t hate him for being an idiot.
Kaveh refuses to believe someone isn't deserving of a second chance.
He remembers when Tighnari first took Collei in, how many times he escaped to the city and vented to Kaveh how hard it was to raise her. She was a stubborn child, and Tighnari didn’t know how to deal with her. Eventually, she calmed down, turned into a delightful and kind child, a wonderful apprentice according to her master. Tighnari never mentioned again the fights he had with the newly arrived Collei, or how she’d run away and pass out and still refuse to let him treat her.
Collei was a broken child when she first came to him. It almost turned Tighnari into a broken adult, but they managed to surpass the difficulties. Kaveh wishes everyone could learn and become a better person the same way she did.
Yet there are a few exceptions; he doesn’t believe everyone is innocent. Some crimes are too heavy to be forgiven and forgotten with some character development. The people who hurt Collei in the first place, he’d never understand or forgive. He didn’t want to understand the sick minds of the people who’d torture a sweet child like her.
Thinking of Collei and Tighnari makes him think of his dad. How he looked so happy the day he left home, not knowing that would be his last goodbye to his son and wife. Kaveh was responsible for that. He was one of those people who should never be forgiven.
"Stop thinking so much."
Alhaitham knows him so well. People who've known Kaveh for longer don't know him that well. Hell, his own mother probably doesn't know half about Kaveh as Alhaitham does. He can understand his silence means he's spiralling into his own self-deprecation, so he stops him before he gets a chance to start.
Because Alhaitham knows Kaveh's head is too full and too much for him. Kaveh has the sudden urge to tell him to stop it and leave him to suffer alone.
But Alhaitham wouldn't do that, and Kaveh still can't understand why.
Alhaitham is rational. He doesn't do anything that won't serve him. So why does he go out of his way to let Kaveh move in with him? Why did he let him stay when he could barely pay rent? Why did he buy him his favourite bottle of wine? Why did he tie up his hair and stay while Kaveh was throwing up after not listening to him and drinking too much again?
Why did Alhaitham like someone like Kaveh, who always let others walk over him? Why didn't he let him take care of himself?
"I said stop it."
He didn't deserve that. He didn't do enough for him. He forgot to wash the dishes last night. He came home later than usual when he had plans with Alhaitham for the evening, and he knew how much Alhaitham hated it when he didn't show up in time. He had another glass after Alhaitham told him not to. He never listened to him. Alhaitham should hate him.
"Kaveh."
He hates him. He has to hate him. That's why he's so nice to him. Alhaitham knows him better than anyone, so he knows Kaveh feels like his insides are burning when he takes care of him. He has to be doing this out of spite, of course. There's no way he's doing it out of kindness.
"Breathe."
Kaveh feels a hand pressed against his chest. His heart is beating so hard he wonders how his hand isn't shaking with it. He takes a deep breath.
"Remind me not to drink so much next time." Kaveh's voice comes back to him. When did it leave? He can't remember.
Alhaitham's words stab his heart again. "I will, but you won't listen." He's right. Kaveh can only hope next time he will finally use his brain cells and do as he's told.
"I'm sorry."
Alhaitham doesn't say anything back. Kaveh curls up on his side. It's too hot, he just had a bath, and he's all sweaty again. Alhaitham keeps a hand on the back of his head and scratches him as if he were a cat. That feels nice. Saying "sorry" helped a lot, it means he's not taking and taking without giving anything back. Saying sorry doesn't erase his sins, but it's a first step into being worthy of something again, it's accepting his mistakes and letting the other know he plans on changing them.
He wonders how many sorries he owes Alhaitham already. Way too many, he'll definitely never be able to pay him back for everything his done to him. Apologies alone won't change anything anyway. Alhaitham doesn't even like Kaveh's drunken sorries. But it calms Kaveh's heart, and he's able to close his eyes.
"Happy anniversary, Kaveh.”