Chapter Text
It wasn’t Donna’s intention to end up at Harvey’s apartment at 3 p.m. on a random Sunday. So, when he opened the door, brown eyes blown wide in surprise, she didn’t have a solid explanation for her presence. In true Harvey fashion, he didn’t ask any questions. Instead, he ushered her inside as if she were meant to be there.
“Sorry to show up like this,” came her earnest apology.
Harvey’s deadpan was quick, “Since when do you apologize for barging in?” Things had changed between them since they slept together, but neither dared to acknowledge those changes. Acknowledging the changes would mean communication. Sweeping things under the rug was more their style.
“I’m glad you’re here, actually.” His apartment wasn’t large. It only took a few steps to make it to the combination living room/dining room. He pointed to the small round table that was covered in paperwork. “My realtor just sent over some options and I need your thoughts on them.”
Donna rested her hands on the table and tried to ignore the way her stomach rolled. Apartments were the last thing on her mind, but she feigned interest anyway as he showed them all to her. Eventually, she had no choice but to speak up.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Once she was sure that her nausea was under control, she straightened her spine and looked around the mostly beige room. “This place isn’t so bad and you’re just an associate. Don’t you think you should settle in first?”
“This place is crap,” came Harvey’s incredulous response. “Donna, I’ll make junior partner in no time.” His chest puffed slightly, but without his suit, he lacked his usual bravado. “Are you forgetting the goal? Name on the wall, remember?”
“I just don’t want you to get in over your head,” she insisted, although there wasn’t much conviction in it. It was hard to argue with him while his cocky grin was on full display.
“You know damn well that I never get in over my —”
“Harvey,” she interrupted.
At her tense tone, his warm eyes studied hers for a second too long. Feeling suddenly exposed, she pulled her jacket around her tightly closed and crossed her arms.
Harvey’s own hands moved to the pockets of his jeans. “Pearson Hardman is gonna be great. For both of us. You’ll be able to get a new place too, you know.”
Donna scoffed, “I don’t need a new place.”
“Yours is too far from work.”
“I like the commute.”.
He rolled his eyes. “Nobody likes their commute.”
“I do,” she lied.
Harvey’s brows rose in amusement. “But imagine having a doorman to bring in all your shopping bags.”
“A doorman? Really?” Donna couldn’t take the banter anymore. It all seemed so silly, given what she had to tell him. As if her body was plotting against her, her nausea picked back up with a vengeance. Suddenly hot, she quickly removed her jacket, not caring that she was dressed in unflattering leggings and an old college t-shirt.
His eyes drifted over her casual appearance. His mouth opened to tease her about it, but he thought better of it when he noticed her pallor. “Hey, are you okay?” Her response was an uncharacteristic shake of her head that made his face fall. “Okay, just hold on. I’ll get you some water.”
“I don’t need water.” Her bangs flew into the air as she drew in some deep breaths.
Flustered, Harvey pulled out a chair. “Then here, sit down. I can’t have you passing out on me.”
“I don’t need to sit down, it’s not like that…”
“Donna,” her name fell from his lips in a soft half whisper, one simple word saying so much.
Finally her wide eyes met his, “Harvey.”
Alarmed at the warning in her tone, he swallowed hard. “What is it?”
“I don’t know how to say this —”
With pursed lips, he balled his trembling hands into fists. “Just say it.”
Donna took a deep breath as she attempted to build up all the confidence she could muster. Her voice didn’t get the memo though. It broke when she finally uttered the news that had been weighing her down for the past few hours. “I’m pregnant.”
He was unable to hide the complete and utter panic that slid across his features. She couldn’t blame him, as she was sure that her face revealed the same thing. Letting out a low sigh, he slumped down into the closest chair as his legs gave out.
“That’s not at all what I thought you were going to say,” came his bewildered response a few seconds later. “And it’s —”
She didn’t let him finish asking. She had already been prepared for his question. “Yes.”
Silently observing his every move, Donna wondered what he was thinking. “I know that it’s a lot to take in. I was going to wait to tell you until I could wrap my head around it…” There was no trace of her usual ‘Donna’ confidence as she sat down beside him and continued, "But I went for a walk to clear my head and somehow I just ended up here.”
Harvey didn’t respond at first. The only noise in the room was the sound of his fingertips beating out an unsteady rhythm against the table. Two agonizingly slow minutes passed by before he finally muttered, “I uh, I thought you were on the pill.”
“I am,” she shook her head, “At least, I was until today I guess.” The reality of her condition was starting to sink in and with it came a fresh wave of anxiety. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
Harvey shook his head and looked down to study his hands. Despite his internal freefall, his eyes were full of compassion when he glanced up at her. “It’s not your fault.” Then, with a sigh, he suddenly stood up. “I’m gonna get us a drink.” He disappeared to the galley kitchen and came back with two glasses and an expensive looking bottle of scotch.
“Jessica gave me this as a welcome back present.” His right hand was unsteady as he poured the amber liquid into the glasses. “I doubt this is what she had in mind,” Harvey muttered as he handed her a half filled glass.
Donna’s lips curled into a shy smile as she accepted the glass, but didn’t bring it to her lips. “I shouldn’t…” her words trailed off as she sat the glass down. “Drinking probably isn’t a good idea.”
Harvey’s ears and neck turned red as he realized his mistake. “Fuck. I’m an idiot.” He drained his glass in one gulp and then quickly did the same to hers. “You’re really pregnant.”
Donna let out a gruff chuckle at that. “I really am.” Getting pregnant from a quasi one night stand wasn’t at all what she had planned for her life. A heavy silence rolled over the table again, but she refused to let it consume them.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she started, sounding more like herself. “And I know it, because I’ve already thought about it. I started thinking about it as soon as I bought the test, but I don’t know if I can do it.”
His jaw tensed until she clarified, “I always thought I could…but now, I just don’t know. I don’t know if I can have an abortion.” The last word was nearly whispered, as if she would be overheard. Saying it out loud made her feel a peculiar sense of shame that she didn’t understand and didn’t want to try and figure out.
After her heavy statement, Donna studied his face, desperate for any sign of disappointment or relief, or even anger, but his impassive expression revealed nothing.
“Harvey, say something,” she practically pleaded.
“Donna, you’re usually the one telling me what to say in situations like this.” His tone was flippant, but raw. For such a good lawyer, he was an awful communicator. “What do I know about being a father?”
Slightly startled by his honesty, she cleared her throat. “I don’t know anything about being a mom, so I get that.”
Harvey swallowed hard. “You’d be a great mom,” he insisted. “You’re amazing at everything you do.”
Donna’s cheeks tinged pink at the unexpected compliment and she quickly avoided his penetrating gaze. She had yet to cry, and she didn’t want to start in front of him. It was clear that she would have to take charge. It was what she was good at. It was how they worked so well together.
“I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment once the office opens tomorrow morning. I’m not sure when they can see me, but maybe things will be clearer after that.”
Harvey scratched at his neck, leaving harsh red lines where his nails had been. “Do you uh…do want me to come with you?”
Donna was quick to say no. The appointment would likely be uncomfortable enough on her own, having him there would only make it worse. Still, she appreciated the gesture, and rested her hand on top of his in reassurance. She ignored the tingling sensation that spread from her hand straight to her heart. He shivered, and she wondered if he felt it too.
After a few beats of silence, Donna pulled her hand away and put her jacket back on. “I’m gonna go home now and drown myself in Ben and Jerry’s.”
In another life, Harvey would have offered to call her a cab, or walk her home, or at least buy her the ice cream, but in this life, he stayed glued to his chair, lost in his own spiraling mind. Donna wasn’t offended. Relationships weren’t his specialty, and she didn’t expect the news to suddenly change that fact. She made her way to the door, but called his name before opening it.
When he turned to face her she added, “For what it’s worth, I know you’d be a great dad, too.” His eyes welled with tears then, and so did hers, so she hurried out the door before the flood gates opened.
Dressed in a new black suit the following evening, Harvey looked battle ready. As it turned out, Donna had been able to get a doctor’s appointment right away. It was great for her, but not for him and his anxious mind. Working while distracted was hard. Pretending to work while distracted was even harder.
He was behind his desk, scanning the same deposition transcript for the 10th time, when she strolled over. A bright yellow note was stuck to her finger and she dangled it in the air to make her point known, “A post-it? Really?”
Harvey sat back in his chair as she moved towards him. “I thought it was professional,” he deadpanned as he pulled at his loud patterned tie. Donna let the note go and it floated down to his desk in a graceful motion. It landed face up, his scribbled, ‘Let’s talk when you get back’ was barely legible.
Her incredulous response held a bit of an edge, “Speaking of professional, do you really wanna do this here ?”
“Why not?” He spun his chair back and forth to glance at the empty bullpen. “Nobody’s around. They all left for that stupid charity gala.” Waiting to have the much needed conversation would only prolong his anxious suffering.
Donna held her wrist up to glance at her watch, “The gala that you’re already late to?”
Harvey fiddled with the edges of his suit jacket. “I like to make an entrance.” The law firm was like a fortress, shielding him from his own unstable emotions. He was confident at the office. Calm. Controlled. He could keep his mask up there without question and he knew that Donna could too. “Let’s talk.”
She straightened her gray skirt and then sat down, crossing her legs in a smooth, well practiced motion. He wasn’t the only one who felt more confident in his work attire. With a defeated sigh she said, “Okay.”
Donna wasn’t a mystery to him like other women were, but he couldn’t tell what she was thinking and it unnerved him. His pulse quickened as she added, “I’m about 8 weeks along, which…is what I figured.”
Memories of strawberries, whip cream, and her naked body whipped through his head like a slow motion movie. It took all of his effort to remain focused.
“I heard the heartbeat.”
“Really? I didn’t realize —” his voice trailed off as words failed him.
Effortlessly, she continued his train of thought, “I didn’t either. It was kind of amazing.”
A tinge of regret crept into his chest, but he buried it down deep before it could grow into something bigger. “So…” he motioned towards her with his right hand before continuing, “Everything was good?”
Donna’s hazel gaze studied him for what felt like an eternity. Her scrutiny had him shifting in his chair to relieve some of the pressure that was building up his spine.
Eventually, she must have found what she was searching for as she nodded. Her eyes were wet when she spoke again. “Harvey, I’m so sorry. I know you’re not ready for this. I’m not ready either, but I don’t think I can get rid of it. It’s just too real.”
A single tear slipped down her left cheek. He clasped his hands together as he fought down the urge to reach over and wipe it away. Her words weren’t a total surprise, but they were still hard to hear.
“Donna,” he insisted. “You don’t have to be sorry, okay?”
More tears followed the first until her cheeks were fully covered. She cleared her throat as she wiped them away with her hands. “I know. But I also know that you don’t want this.”
Harvey avoided her gaze as a sad sigh left his lips. With anyone else, he would have denied it, but she always knew the truth, so he didn’t bother. “I really don’t know what I want,” he admitted, in an almost whisper.
Eventually he found the courage to look at her again. Where he expected to see disappointment or anger reflected back at him, all he saw was tenderness. It shattered his mask. Tears instantly sprung to his eyes as reality caught up with him. “What are we gonna do, Donna?” It wasn’t a question, but a desperate plea. He needed her. He needed her to be his guide, because he felt completely blind on his own.
As if his neediness had given her a new boost of determination, Donna straightened up and held her head high. “Well, for right now, I’m gonna keep being your secretary. We have some time to figure out the rest.”
Harvey swallowed down what felt like a ball stuck in his throat. He didn’t trust himself to speak just yet, so he nodded in acceptance and even managed a small curve of his lips in appreciation.
“I should get back to work,” she finally said, as she stood up. “I’ve got a million things to finish up.” Falling back into work mode was easy and familiar.
Harvey watched her go in silence. Her desk was just across the aisle from his (a concession that Jessica had hesitantly agreed to) but in that moment, it felt much further. Without her at his side, his chest tightened. She was no longer just his secretary and friend, she was the woman carrying his child, and that fact propelled him forward. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t let her leave without speaking his truth. She was just back at her desk by the time he ungracefully sprinted to her side.
As he stood watching her gather paperwork, the swirling storm of emotions clouding his brain cleared and suddenly, everything made sense. He blurted out the first thing that popped into his head, realizing too late that it wasn’t the wisest choice. “Donna, I’m gonna need you to call the realtor tomorrow and get some new listings sent over.”
At her incredulous glare, he held up a hand to stop whatever tirade she was about to unleash. “Just hear me out, okay?” Harvey insisted, knowing that he had about 30 seconds to get to the point. “I was only looking at one bedroom places before, but now I want to think bigger. I’m gonna need at least two bedrooms.” Donna opened her mouth to interrupt, but he spoke quickly before she could. “I can’t have the kid sleeping in my room. You know how I feel about roommates.”
His heavy words hung there for a long time. Like a fish out of water, she opened and closed her mouth several times. For once, she was completely speechless and he enjoyed it a little too much. The enormity of the situation melted away as a smile took over his face. With Donna, everything always just felt right. Everything always worked out with her by his side. “Listen, I don’t know how the hell to be a parent. Odds are I’ll probably suck at it, but I’m a gambler and this is my kid, so if you’re sure about keeping it, then I’m all in.”
The tears were back in her eyes, but they didn’t fall. When she tilted her head, strands of copper hair framed her face at the perfect angle. His fingers twitched with the urge to touch them.
“I’m not sure of anything, Harvey.”
“Well, the one thing I am sure of is that we’re a team. A damn good one at that, and a baby isn’t gonna change it.”
Donna blinked a few times to clear her eyes. “Who are you?” She wondered out loud, as her left hand made nervous circles around her right wrist.
Harvey allowed her time to compose herself before he gently took her arm. His body sparked at the touch. He felt lighter, more in control. He could do this. They could do this. “Just imagine Louis’ face when he finds out.”
“Okay, you seem way too giddy about that mister,” she insisted.
“This will end him,” Harvey smirked. He dropped his arm so that he could shove both of his hands into his suit pockets. “I beat him, yet again.”
Donna rolled her eyes. “What, he who has the best sperm wins?”
Now that the shock was starting to wear off, his ego was taking over and he wasn’t about to stop the proud smile that crept across his lips. “Damn straight. Is it too soon to say that I closed the shit out of your uterus?”
“Jesus,” scoffed Donna. She glanced around the empty office before narrowing her eyes. “What is wrong with you ?”
Harvey ignored her. He was having too much fun. The past 24 hours had worn them both down emotionally, so it was nice to get back to some semblance of normal. “This confirms it. Best closer in the city.”
“Oh my god.” Donna fanned her blushing cheeks. “You need to go!” With a stern look, she pointed a perfectly manicured fingernail towards the exit. “Fashionably late was about an hour ago. Get going. Jessica will kill you if you miss the gala.”
Harvey shot her one last smirk before buttoning his jacket and heading out. He had to gear up for his next battle and he was certain that he would win.