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Papa wasn’t around much. He was busy, Mama said, because he’s very very important. He’s training Jedi. He has to be at the temple to make them skilled and strong, and he could only take breaks every once in a while.
Every time Rey would ask why it had to be Papa, why someone else couldn’t fill in for the day, like Aunt LeiLei or Uncle or Lan (she always mixed up Uncle’s name with Lan so she just called him Uncle), Mama would say that they couldn’t. LeiLei isn’t a Jedi, and Uncle and Lan don’t have the Force. Papa is the only one who can do his job so he has to be gone a lot.
I have the Force, Rey would counter. Papa taught me Jedi things.
You are so very strong in the Force, Rey, Mama would reply, but becoming a Jedi takes a long long time and lots and lots of training and Papa is the only one who has it.
Rey wanted to be a Jedi one day like Papa. Mama said she will. Someday. When she was big.
And not a day before, Mama would sometimes add. Rey didn’t know what she meant.
Rey and Mama spoke to Papa when he appeared as the little blue light on the funny table. Rey always told Papa he was tiny, tinier than her! He always looked at his body in surprise and acted all worried, and asked Rey how he got so little. Rey liked it when that happened. Papa was so funny.
But Mama sometimes sent her off to bed, and she’d hear them talk in rushed whispers. Sometimes Mama sounded happy and laughed softly. Sometimes she got angry and would say Rey’s name, and Papa would try to talk but she was still mad.
Rey never liked it when that happened. She would go back to bed and tried to close her ears.
Sometimes when they were fighting, Mama or Papa mentioned Ben. He was Aunt LeiLei and Uncle’s son. Rey didn’t remember him much. Mama didn’t seem to like him. Papa just seemed worried.
Even if she got mad sometimes, Mama was always up and about when Papa was coming home. Rey watched her clean and care for her ship and smile at the sky. Rey knew it was because she missed him, because Rey missed him too.
Then his spaceship would land and Rey would bounce up and down because she couldn’t help it, because she was already thinking of their games and his stories and presents and hugs. How long will he be home this time, Rey would ask Mama, a week, or maybe even two?
Mama would laugh and smile and tell her how long it would be, but she always looked kind of sad too.
When he did come home Mama never as acted pleased as when she was waiting. She would roll her eyes and cross her arms like she did when she was mad. Call him Farmboy and tell him he has a lot of nerve showing his face around here.
But Papa never looked scared (Rey was scared when Mama acted like that to her. Papa was very brave), he just smiled and laughed and pulled Mama close and kissed her (and Rey always looked away with a BLECH), and then Mama was smiling too. Then he’d pull Rey into his arms and lift her into the air, and Rey screamed in happiness because it felt like flying and her Papa was home.
Her favorite part was when they’d take walks. Papa would hold her hand and buy her sweets and sometimes play tag with her and Mama when they reached a big field. Rey wanted those walks to last forever, but then she’d get tired and Papa would lift her on his shoulders and she’d doze off holding onto his soft yellow hair.
It was strange, though, when someone would look at Papa with surprise, and they would talk to him or just stare at him. Either way they would always whisper something about Luke Skywalker.
Papa always talked to them if they came up to him. Rey asked who they were. Mama said they were a stranger. Well then why is Papa talking to them, Rey asked. Because he’s too polite for his own good, Mama said. Rey never asked who Luke Skywalker was.
Sometimes she wanted to but she was afraid Mama and Papa would laugh.
Rey’s eyes always got heavy when she lay on Papa’s knee in front of the fire. Papa would pet Rey’s hair and hum. As she fell asleep, she could see a blurry image of Mama leaning on his shoulder.
Papa always had a glove on his right hand. Rey asked him why he wore it, because it was warm outside. He frowned and said he’d explain when she was older.
Then he’d distract her by making her toys float in the air and she forgot her question.
But there was always a day when Papa had to leave. Rey would scream and cry and hold onto his robes and beg Mama not to let him. She was crying a bit too but she would hold Rey’s shoulders and quietly said that he had to, he had students to get back to. Papa was crying more than Mama and he hugged Rey tight tight, telling her that he’d come back as soon as he could, that maybe one day she could visit him at–
And Mama would say not this year. Not yet. Papa nodded and didn’t finish. But he hugged her again and swung her back and forth a little and called her his baby girl. She liked it when he did that.
Rey always ran after his ship when it took off. She was only waving, but sometimes she pretended that if she ran fast enough and jumped high enough, she could catch it and go with him.
One day Rey wouldn’t stop crying after Papa left. She couldn’t help it. She tried and tried and tried, but it wouldn’t stop.
Later that night Mama told her she was maybe big enough to go to the temple.
Papa rocked her back and forth as she cried. She didn’t know what Ben did with the red saber or when he held out his hand in front of her forehead. She kept seeing it over and over again and she didn’t know why. She wanted it to go away. Her eyes hurt because of her crying and she was so thirsty, but she didn’t know how to stop.
My baby girl, my precious baby girl, Papa was saying, but she couldn’t feel happy like she usually did when he said that. She couldn’t always see him, just a blur and then Ben…so she held onto his robes. Papa, she called to him, even though her voice hurt. He held her tighter.
Then she heard Mama’s voice. She sounded mad, madder than she’d ever heard her. Papa just sounded sad.
We’re going to Papa’s other temple, Mama said, and we’ll be safe there.
Where’s Papa, Rey asked and the tears started again, Papa is in trouble he’s gonna get Papa what about Papa–
Ben could never hurt Papa, Mama said, Ben isn’t strong enough. Papa will stop Ben and then we’ll all be safe at the temple. I promise.
Mama held her close and told her to close her eyes. Rey squeezed her eyes tight and put her hands over her face just to be extra closed. When she thought Mama wasn’t looking, she opened her fingers just a crack and looked out the window.
There were big black ships coming nearer. Rey closed her eyes again.
Mama said she’d be back soon.
COME BACK, Rey shouted. The big ugly man wouldn’t let go of her arm. But Mama flew off.
Mama wasn’t back soon, but she’d be back.
She knew it. She tied her three buns just like they were yesterday, so Mama would know her extra fast when she came to get her.
She couldn’t really remember what happened before Mama left her on Jakku. She wished she could. But every time she thought about it, she just got scared and she didn’t know why.
She’d ask Mama when she got back. She tied her buns again, and scratched another line on the wall.
Rey wasn’t sure what she expected when she climbed those steps. She’d heard the name Luke Skywalker since her youth, though she wasn’t exactly sure when. Over the years, the stories accumulated, from passing travelers and vague words written in journals that she’d scavenged from ships. The small ships talked of him like a miracle. The big ships cursed his name. He always seemed too wonderful to be true; a young wizard with mystical, mysterious, ancient powers that was as good hearted and kind as he was a force to be reckoned with.
Her life before Jakku was a foggy dream. She remembered images of Mama and Papa, but not much else. She remembered Papa’s laugh and Mama’s smile, and how warm it felt when she fell asleep next to the fire. But whenever she tried to remember more, a feeling of dread overcame her, and she’d have to stop with a shudder. In some of her lonely nights on Jakku, she would wonder if Papa and Mama told her fairytales of Luke Skywalker, and that’s why his name was known to her. Perhaps they would lay her down and whisk her away to the life of a valiant Jedi prince who always saved the day and brought light to the universe.She liked to think that. It made sense, so in her mind it became fact.
But Han Solo said he was real, and suddenly those memories didn’t make sense anymore. And then his lightsaber called to her, and nothing really did.
She didn’t know what to think when she climbed those steps. Didn’t know what she’d see. But part of her, deep down, was not wholly shocked when the man in the cloak turned around, lifted his hood, and looked at her tearfully with Papa’s eyes.