Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(We start things off on an island during a cloudy day. No, not the island Total Drama typically takes place in, but instead a completely different island. This island is circular and features beaches, forested hills, plains, and a dormant volcano at its centre. The entire island features trees all over, except the coastal beaches and a small clearing on the western side of the island. Two men are standing at a pier on the Western Beach. They are the familiar hosts, Chris McLean & Chef Hatchet. There's also the interns and the camera crew, but they're not important)

Hatchet: Hey, Chris! When do we start?

Chris: (looking at his watch) Not yet… (the clock strikes one) There we go! Cameras, ACTION! (clears his throat as the cameras turn on) Welcome everybody, to a very special edition of Total Drama Island!

(cheering from the cameramen)

Chris: I may have lost access to Camp Wawanakwa, but as they say, the show MUST go on! After some clever bargaining and negotiation to buy this island off the coast of Southern England…

Hatchet: Don’t sugarcoat it! You scammed that poor dude!

Chris: (dismissively) Details, details, details! No one needs to know that! Anyway, now that we have a new venue, we're free to host again! In this special competition, four teams of twenty-four fresh competitors will be spending the next month or two participating in all sorts of challenges every three days, intending to win, of course! The winning team gets to win a reward, while the losing team must pick one of their members to leave the island forever.

Hatchet: That means they have to take the boat of shame! I missed that!

Chris: (grins) Actually… I've thought of something different this time.

(Chris snaps his fingers. A purple wormhole appears above one of the interns and sucks him in)

Hatchet: WHOA! What was that?

Chris: I just sent him to the Dark Nebula.

Hatchet: The dank what?

Chris: (raises voice for emphasis) THE DARK NEBULA! It's quicker, cheaper, and a hell of a lot cooler than just a plain boat.

Hatchet: Yuck! That sounds nasty!

Chris: Relax! It'll be fine! (clears his throat) Anyway, if a contestant wins the competition, they'll win a grand prize of £10 billion! (as Chef opens his mouth) The last guy left his cash in the vault. The winner will probably blow it in a year anyway. 

Hatchet: Speaking of the contestants, how did you get them?

Chris: That’s the problem. Most of the chosen few come from… varying walks of life, for a lack of a better word. I had to hire some local gangsters to help me bring them here, and I had to pay them a lot of money, but it was worth it!

Hatchet: So you kidnapped them.

Chris: (waves his hands in front of himself) No! I intimately persuaded them to sign up! No violence involved whatsoever!

Hatchet: And what's with all the moaning about you paying those hoodlums? They only asked for $10!

Chris: Hey! Every penny lost is a fortune wasted. Anyway, let's introduce the contestants! I believe one of them is arriving by boat right now!

(We see a black speedboat on the horizon. It is being piloted by a man who looks like he belongs in a biker gang. His passenger, a fat British boy with square brown hair, a yellow shirt and a blue cardigan, is lying unconscious inside)

Chris: (as the boat docks) Ah! Our first victim! (prods the unconscious boy) Hey! Are you with us?

(No answer from the fat boy)

Hatchet: (yelling) HEY YOU! WAKE UP YOU LAZY FILTH!!!

Fat Boy : (wakes up with a jolt) Huh? What? Where?

Chris: Welcome to the show, kid! I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m getting a bit rusty. What’s your name?

Fat Boy: (shrugs) I dunno.

Chris: That’s strange, because according to your file, your name is ‘Beefy Bert’. Is your first name Beefy, or is it Bert?

Beefy Bert: It’s Bert. Beefy is my nickname.

Chris: And is there anything else you can tell me about yourself?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Chris: (whispers to Chef Hatchet) Not a very bright one, isn’t he? (to Bert) Just go over to the opposite side of the pier and wait for your fellow campers, alright? (points to that other end)

Beefy Bert: Okay. (walks over to that end)

AUDITION TAPE 1 (Beefy Bert)

Beefy Bert: (walking across the street in England) I’m not into reality shows or game shows or anything. They kinda confuse me. I ain’t sure what I’m gonna do here, to be honest. Other than winning! How am I gonna do that? I dunno!

(End of audition)

Chris: Now to introduce our next camper!

(Another speedboat docks, this one being driven by another biker. The passenger is a young Kalosian female who is fully awake. She has short honey-blonde hair just above her shoulders, a black turtleneck tank top with a red and white plaid skirt, a pair of red bow earrings, a pink bracelet on her left wrist, black stockings, long brown & black boots and a grey felt hat. Her blue eyes shine in the sunlight)

Kalosian Female: (steps off the boat) Good morning! Nice to meet ya! I’m Serena! (smiles and shakes Chris’s hand)

Chris: Serena, welcome to the show, and a VERY good morning to you! (scratches his head) Your files say you’re both a Pokémon Performer and a Pokémon Coordinator. I’m confused. Could you please explain what both of them are?

Serena: (eagerly) ‘Course I can! (clears her throat) Pokémon Performers go onstage to demonstrate their bond with their Pokémon! Dance routines, movement sequences, anything to demonstrate their characteristics and skills in the best way possible! It’s the same for Pokémon Coordinators, except trainers don’t need to join in!

Chris: I’ll just put that in as ‘One involves full involvement, the other doesn’t.’ Go join your fellow competitors on the other side. That’s where everyone else will meet.

Serena: Okie dokie! (walks over to Bert) Hi! I’m Serena! Who are you?

Beefy Bert: Beefy Bert.

Serena: (peers at the island) This is gonna be a good time, I can tell! Don’t you agree?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

AUDITION TAPE 2 (Serena)

Serena: (sitting on her bed at her home in Vaniville Town) I mean, even with the weird way they convinced me to sign up, I’m still excited about the idea! An island with beaches, clean water, coconut trees, exciting campers… A Pokémon Coordinator’s life is a busy one, so I could use a much-needed vacation! Get ready, cos’ I’m gonna showcase why I’m the cutest!

(End of audition)

Chris: Our third camper is almost here, so pay attention when she arrives! Her name is… (looks at his files) Wendy Oldbag? So she’s an old fart, then?

(Another speedboat arrives, this one driven by a mafia member. The passenger is an old Japanese woman with short grey hair and a security guard uniform. She is tied, bound and gagged to a chair)

Chris: (confused) Why is this grandma tied to a chair?

Mafia Member: (while dumping the old woman on the deck) You ought to see the audition we had filmed for her. She put up quite the fight!

Chris: I see. (removes the old woman’s mouth gag) Wendy Oldbag, welcome to the show! Do you have anything you’d like to say?

Oldbag : (furious) YOU MEAN OLD WHIPPERSNAPPER! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF SHAME AT ALL? HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP AN OLD WOMAN IN SUCH A MANNER!

Chris: Whoa whoa! Don’t shoot the messenger!

Hatchet: Well, you’re the one who ordered the kidnappings, so no. You’re not the messenger here.

Oldbag: (still ranting) WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, PEOPLE HAD MANNERS! THEY HAD ETIQUETTE! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THEY KNEW HOW TO BEHAVE AROUND THEIR ELDERS! I miss those good old days. NOW ALL THEY DO IS RUN THEIR MOUTHS CONSTANTLY, ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW I’VE SOMEHOW FAILED AS A GENERATION! STUPID, ENTITLED MOTHERFUCKERS! AS I HAVE EVER ASKED FOR A PAYRISE EVERY DAY!

Hatchet: Actually, your generation did ruin the economy of hundreds of countries with your gratuitous spending…

Oldbag: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! YOU’RE ALL ROTTEN! ROTTEN WHIPPERSNAPPERS, I SAY! I OUGHT TO SUE YOU FOR…

(Chef Hatchet grabs Oldbag and tosses her to the other side of the docks, where the two other campers are waiting. Bert & Serena flinch)

Bert: That’s gotta hurt. (looks at Oldbag) Hello.

Oldbag: What are you looking at?

AUDITION TAPE 3 (Oldbag)

Oldbag: (standing in front of Global Studio’s main entrance) You want me to do WHAT?! NO NO NO! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THAT! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME SO STUFF I DON’T WANT TO DO! I HAVE MY RIGHTS!

(The mafia surrounds her)

Oldbag: Hey, what are you… STOP! HELP! (gets hit on the head) Oh!

(End of audition)

Chris: Yeah… I can see why she was a bit of a hassle. (as Oldbag complains in the background) Typical. Anyway, now onto our next lucky camper!

(A speedboat arrives at the dock. It’s being driven by a mischievous-looking man with a goatee, red bandana, black fingerless gloves and padded leather armour. A dagger is strapped to his leg)

Chris: Sly, welcome to the show! (Sly gets on the docks) I gotta say, naming your son after an adjective is a bizarre choice for naming conventions.

Sly: Well, it’s my name.

Chris: And why were you driving the boat?

(Sly shrugs. Chris, feeling suspicious, walks over to the speedboat. A man has been tied to the back of the boat, completely naked. Chris winces at the sight)

Chris: He’s fine. (notices something off) My wallet! My phone! Where are they? (turns around and sees Sly holding them) HEY!

Sly: (grins slyly) Thanks for the treasures! (runs off)

Serena: (whispering to Bert & Oldbag) Not a nice fellow, isn’t he?

Oldbag: You think?

Chris: STOP HIM, CHEF!

(Chef Hatchet runs after Sly. He catches up to him as they near the forest, tackling him before they reach the trees. Chris and the others watch as they fight)

Chris: GET HIM, CHEF!

(Chef Hatchet returns with Sly lying unconscious around his shoulder)

Beefy Bert: Whoa…

Chris: Tie him up and place him with the others.

(Hatchet does just that. Meanwhile, Chris turns to face the cameramen)

Chris: Hey! What happened to his audition tapes?

Camerman: We lost it! He took the reel after filming and threw it into the deep sea! We had to make the extraction immediately to avoid pirates!

Chris: (sighs) Where else would I find such a cowardly crew? (pauses) Anyway, time to introduce our fifth… (pauses again) Wait… is that rap music I hear?

(Chris, Chef Hatchet and everyone else turn around to find another speedboat closing in on them. It has no driver, just a Japanese boy with orange hair, orange t-shirt, headphones and rollerblades pulling off some sick moves at the front of the boat. He frontflips onto the docks as the boat crashes in front of him. Everyone else winces at the sight of the crash)

Sk8ter Boi: (while disco dancing) YO YO YO! It’s ya boy Beat here, ready to tear up the tarmac and the competition in an all-in-one deal! Take one look at those sweet moves and you know you’ll be in for a treat! This turf is mine! So stay back and watch as I make this place my own! (does a quick breakdance)

Chris: Well… that’s some enthusiasm you’ve got here. Just try not to get carried away, or you might be first boot!

Beat: Right back at ya, man!

(Beat gives Chris a fist bump. He then skates his way to the other side of the docks)

Sly: (still tied up) Sweet moves!

Serena: Yeah! You were really great!

Beat: (shrugs) Don’t sweat it, kid. It’s just the tools of the trade!

AUDITION TAPE 4 (Beat)

Beat: (standing at a skatepark) Check out those sick sunglasses and awesome headphones! They’re both custom-made by the GG’s (my gang) for maximum sound and total coolness! I think you ought to pay attention, cos’ I’m gonna rule this show and make everyone look so foolish! I’ll be skating circles around them!

(End of audition)

Chris: Compared to that dirty rotten thief, that guy was a BLAST! Onto the next one! In fact, I think I hear them coming right now!

(Another speedboat comes in. This one is being driven by a redneck. Out steps a dark-blue-haired boy with wide circular brown eyes, a blue & black varsity jacket on top of an orange t-shirt, white jeans and red trainers with black highlights)

Blue Boy: Thanks for the ride, sir!

Redneck: Jest doin' mah job, partner! Fry mah hide!

Chris: Ah! There he is - our hero of the hour! Welcome to the show, Oozora Hiro! The greatest hero of all!

(Chef Hatchet and the campers already present groan and roll their eyes over the bad puns)

Hiro: (cheesy manner) What is this place? Where have you taken us, villain?

Chris: Villain? No, no, no! Sure, I may have coerced everyone into coming here, but everything came out of their own volition! I’m not evil. Honest!

Hiro: Then why did your henchman threaten me with a gun?

Beefy Bert: (whispering to his fellow campers) They did what?

Beat: Threaten him with a gun. Pretty commonplace where I come from.

Chris: (to Hiro) Once I find the guy responsible, I’ll dock his pay and fire him. (thinking) If only to save face, but still…

Hatchet: Why is your name Hiro, and what’s with the two ‘O’s at the start of your surname?

Chris: It’s what they do in Japan. They like to add extra vowels to their names! Pay attention to your geography next time! (to Hiro) Don’t mind us. Go join your fellow campers on the other side!

(Hiro walks over to the other campers)

Beefy Bert: Dude, we should totally hang out sometime!

Beat: We should! I’ll teach ya how to spray graffiti and pull off awesome tricks on roller skates!

Hiro: Uhh… Thanks! I suppose…

AUDITION TAPE 5 - (Hiro)

Hiro: It’s just like all those superhero movies and TV shows I used to watch as a kid! You know, those episodes at the beginning where the wise old guy gathers all the heroes together for one big quest! But I've had my fair share of action over the past few months, so I'm gonna sit this one out.

???: Wrong! (points a gun at Hiro) You’re coming with us, and you're gonna like it!

Hiro: (shocked) Hey, what are you… You can't do that!

???: Oh, yes we can! NOW MOVE IT!

(End of audition)

Hatchet: That’s what happened? (storms over to the redneck) YOU! Were you the one holding that gun?

Redneck: Of course not! All I did was drive the camper here. I haven't done anything wrong!

Chris: Relax, Chef! I already promised to sack the man responsible for that conduct! (clears his throat) Now on to the next camper!

(A biker driving yet another speedboat arrives. This one has two passengers. One of them is a boy in a purple suit jacket and blond hair in a ponytail. The other passenger looks scruffy in his messy, long seaweed hair and torn brown cape that covers most of his torso. Both seem to be of Asian descent)

Scruffy Guy: (to the beat of ‘It’s Everyday Bro’) It’s crabby crab crab on the crabby crab crab! Five crabby crabs in crab crab, never done before! Passed all the crabby crabs, man, Pegasus is next. Man, I’m crabbin all these checks…

Biker & Rich Boy: SHUT UP!

Scruffy Guy: No thanks! I like crabbing you in hot angry messes! It’s so fun, crabby crab!

Biker & Rich Boy: Not for us, it isn’t!

Chris: Hey! Why are there two of them?

Biker: I caught them participating in a multiversal Beyblade tournament! They were both on the list, so I figured I’d bring them both in!

Chris: They faced off against each other? Who won?

Biker: I didn’t ask that, but…

Rich Boy: I did. I, Wakiya Murasaki, and my Tempest Wyvron! (brandishes his Burst Beyblade, Tempest Wyvron 4Glaive Atomic)

Scruffy Guy: (under his breath) Uhhh! That fiend! I’ll never forgive him for what he did! To defeat me so thoroughly and embarrassingly… And in 5 seconds too! I’ll get him if it's the last thing I do!

Hatchet: Do you have something to say?

Scruffy Guy: What? I… (pause) I was just saying my name! Tetsuya Watarigani! That’s me!

Hatchet: (eyes Tetsuya suspiciously) If you say so, you piece of rotten fish.

Biker: (to Wakiya) Did you hear that? He called him a piece of rotten fish! 

(The biker & Wakiya laugh like mad. He and Tetsuya proceed to join the other campers at the other side of the docks)

Serena: (to Wakiya) Hey! You’re Wakiya Murasaki, right? Nice to meet you!

Wakiya: And what do YOU want, girl?

Serena: (grumbling under her breath) Well, thank you for the silent treatment, you meanie! (turns to Tetsuya) I’m Serena, what’s your… (gets jumpscared) AAAAHHH!

Tetsuya: (too close to Serena) Crabby! (moves his fingers like crab claws) Heh heh heh! (leaves to annoy everyone else)

Serena: What a weird guy… (moves in to talk to Hiro)

AUDITION TAPE 6 - Wakiya Murasaki

Wakiya: (sitting in a locker room) I don’t come to competitions to play games. I certainly don’t come to them to make friends either. I’m here to win. It doesn’t matter who my opponents are - that makes no difference. I’ll win any competition I come across, and that’s a fact!

AUDITION TAPE 7 - Tetsuya Watarigani

Tetsuya: (while in the same locker room) Crabby! (moves his fingers like crab claws) What’s your favourite crab, crabby crab? Mine’s the Giant Spider Crab! You know, the ones from Japan that have those crabulously long legs and arms? They’re absolutely CRABTASTIC! Crab crab!

(End of auditions)

Hatchet: (groans) And I thought Chris’s hero puns were bad…

Chris: (brushes Chef Hatchet aside) Moving on, we have another contestant to worry about introducing! I think the eighth speedboat is arriving right now!

(The eighth speedboat and its Toad driver dock at the pier. He steps out)

Chris: Hey! Where’s the passenger?

Toad: WHAT PASSENGER? (turns around and sees the passenger sleeping by the side of the boat) AAHHHH! I FORGOT!

(Chris runs over to the boat. The sleeping passenger is a young, fair-skinned British female with short blonde hair similar in length to Serena’s, a black dress beneath a white long top, a sky-blue hoodie with white sleeves, and boots of the same colour. She is holding a teddy bear in both hands)

Toad: NO WAY! WAKE UP!

(The sleeper continues, well… sleeping)

Chris: Let me handle this. (clears his throat) WAAAAKE UUUUPPPP!!!!

(The sleeper wakes up with a jump, screaming. She falls off the boat and splashes into the sea below. Everyone reacts with surprise and worry)

Wakiya: (monotone yet still caring) Oh, man!

Oldbag: Poor kid!

Hiro: Will she be okay?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Serena: I sure hope so. That looked nasty!

Ex-Sleeper: (emerges from the water) I’m okay!

(The other campers breathe a huge sigh of relief. One minute later, we see the Ex-Sleeper on the pier, drying herself off with a towel. Chef Hatchet is standing in front of her, blocking her from view)

Chris: (impatiently) Hey, man! How long are you gonna keep up this unpleasant charade! It’s eating up my patience and my time!

Hatchet: Not until she’s dry and fully dressed! What are you, a pervert?

Chris: No, but…

Hatchet: THEN LEAVE HER TO IT!

(Chef Hatchet continues to stand guard. We focus towards one of the many coconut palm trees littered across the beach. A little boy with spherical hair and a purple superhero costume is hidden with the leaves, spying on the Ex-Sleeper with a camera)

Little Pervert: (quietly) Hah hah hah! This is paradise! I knew coming all this way to this secluded island was the perfect idea! No hot girls in bikinis, but this is a better gift than I could’ve hoped for! Come to papa!

(The Little Pervert’s camera glints in the sunlight. This catches Chef Hatchet’s attention)

Hatchet: Hmm? (sees the Little Pervert) HEY YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?

Little Pervert: OH NO! I’VE BEEN CAUGHT!

(Chef Hatchet pulls out a rocket launcher, aims it at the coconut palm tree, and fires. The leaves of the tree burst into flame as the Little Pervert falls out. He lands in the sand headfirst)

Little Pervert: OUCH!!!

Hatchet: (runs to the Little Pervert and points his rocket launcher at him) HOLD IT, DEVIL! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Little Pervert: (nervously) Uhh… nobody?

Hatchet: DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU CREEP! YOU CAN’T BE NOBODY, OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE! NOW TELL ME YOUR NAME!

Little Pervert: Errr…

Chris: Hey! I know that guy! That’s Minoru Minerta, the Pop Off hero! They say he’s a bit of a weirdo.

Mineta: (annoyed) OI! For starters, I’m the Fresh-Picked Hero, not the Pop Off Hero! Pop Off is just the name of my quirk!

Beat: What? So your special power is beheading yourself?

Mineta: NO! What are you, a pervert! Of course that isn’t my power! All I do is shoot sticky balls from my head! Why would I choose something as stupid as this?

Tetsuya: You’re right about one thing, crabby crab! That IS a stupid power!

Wakiya: That is much worse than I thought.

Sly: Yeah! It’s ALL bad!

(Beat, Tetsuya, Sly & Wakiya start laughing at Mineta)

Serena: Stop laughing! This isn’t funny at all!

(The four boys continue to laugh)

Hatchet: STOP LAUGHING, YOU FUCKS!!! SHUT UP!

(The four boys shut up)

Hatchet: Now, we have one more question we should ask. (glares at Mineta) What are we to do with this dwarf-sized intruder?

Mineta: What? I’m not…

Chris: We’ll let him in.

Hatchet & Everyone Else: WHAT?!

Chris: As I said, we’ll let him in as a contestant! He’s already here and I’ve already invited him, so we might as well bring in more faces! Having a superhero in this show is bound to boost the ratings, regardless of his actual popularity! All we need to do is say we have a superhero, and they’ll eat it up like Rice Krispies!

Hatchet: But…

Chris: (shrugs) What could possibly go wrong?

Ex-Sleeper: (waves her arms like mad) Hello? Anyone here? I’m fully dressed now! No need to keep me from view anymore! And the name’s Bridget, by the way!

Chris: Bridget & Minoru Mineta! Perfect! Go join the others! (as the two new campers turn) Mineta? Two minutes of your time, if you don’t mind?

Mineta: (confused) For what?

(Chris & Chef Hatchet glare deviously at the nervous Mineta. Two minutes later, we now see a bound & gagged Mineta lying next to Sly in the camper crowd)

Sly: (to Mineta) Hey there! In a tight squeeze, aren’t ya?

(Mineta tries to respond, but can’t because of the gag around his mouth. Meanwhile, Bridget is busy conversing with Serena)

Serena: (blushing with awe) Aww! That’s one cute teddy bear you’ve got! What’s his name?

Bridget: Oh, him? That’s Roger! (to Roger) Say hello to my new friend, Roger!

Roger the Teddy Bear: HER? (clears his throat) Bonjour, señorita! Care for a friendly hola?

Serena: (amazed) It talks?! This is AMAZING!

AUDITION TAPE 8 - Bridget

Bridget: (leaning next to a forest tree) I hunt things. That’s kinda my thing - hunting bad people down for money! Thieves, murderers, gangsters, racists… anyone’s fair game to me! And now… (pauses as she pinches her chin) I guess I’m hunting reality TV victories now! I don’t know how prevalent the myth around twins is back home, but I’d quite like to reduce that to zero!

AUDITION TAPE 9 - Mineru Mineta

Mineta: (inside the confessional booth) I like girls. I like being popular. But most of all, I like a girl’s most fabulous titties! They’re like paradise to me! I wish I could see them all day long!

(End of auditions)

Chris: (to Chef Hatchet) You were right! That kid IS a pervert!

Intern: Does that mean you regret picking him?

Chris: NO! (raises his arm to snap his fingers, then decides against it) Anyway, we’ve still got so much time, and lots of campers to introduce! Next up is… (scratches his head) Who’s arriving next?

Hatchet: I don’t know! I ain’t a fortune teller! (squints) Hey look! Another speedboat!

(Another speedboat arrives at the island, with a hipster behind the wheel. This one has two passengers yet again: an old American man with tanned skin and azure blue wrestling pants with personal branding. The other is a middle-aged Swede with short blond hair, glasses and a light grey suit. They converse with one another as the boat makes its stop)

Swede: And then I transferred all the money to my account. Just like that, I was now $100,000,000 richer! And the best bit? No one knew it was me who stole all of their money!

Old Surfer: Pretty rad, dude! What a way to steal money under their noses! Makes me almost feel bad for those commoners. Almost. Who cares about them?

(The Swede and the Old Surfer share a good laugh)

Hipster: Do you mind, dudes? We’ve arrived at our destination. Get off the boat already!

Old Surfer: Out of the way! (pushes the hipster into the sea) It’s SHOWTIME!!! (walks onto the docks while flexing his muscles)

Chris: (annoyed) HEY YOU! This pier ain’t your personal bodyflexing space! Stop this strange behaviour at once, old man!

Old Surfer: Oh yeah? And who’s gonna make me?

Hatchet: (steps towards and glares at the old surfer) I will.

(The old surfer punches Chef Hatchet in the crotch, to which the latter has no reaction. He then grabs the misbehaving surfer and tosses him into the sea)

Old Surfer: Super Macho (splashes in) OUCH!

Hatchet: That takes care of things. (to the Hipster) Where did you find these two?

Hipster: They were on the same commercial multiversal Spacecraft en route to the Mega Man universe! I had to pull off a hijacking just to get them!

Chris: Thank you. Now onto proceedings! (approaches the Swede) Claus Strandberg, I take it?

Swede: Yes.

Chris: Ah! I recognise that name! You’re the bloke who stole $7 billion from the great Moroccan public! You were all over the news!

Everyone but Chris: He did WHAT??!!

Strandberg: Now, now, don’t get the wrong idea. All the transactions I made were done under full compliance of the law. Everything I did was completely legal. To say that I’ve done something wrong just because I imported a large amount of money into my bank account is simply preposterous!

Oldbag: (whispering to Beat) These two sound like terrible people.

Beat: Yep. (to Bert) What do you think of them?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Sly: You know what? I kinda dig these two!

(Standberg joins the other campers on the opposite side of the docks. Meanwhile, the Old Surfer climbs up onto the beach and approaches Chris)

Old Surfer: Listen up, man! I am NOT going to stand and endure this abusive behaviour towards a great specimen such as me - the great Super! Macho! MAN!!!

Chris: (unfazed) Oh? And what do you plan on doing about it?

Super Macho Man: I’m going to call my lawyers! They’re gonna come here and beat you up!

Chris: Do that, and I’ll call your probation officers on you!

Super Macho Man: (stunned) What?

Chris: (whispers in SMM’s ear) I know about the whole cheating scandal between you and your wife last month. If you lay a finger on me, Chef or anyone else on the show, I’ll have them haul you to  your probation officers. They won't be happy to learn you've breached the terms of your bail! (as SMM cringes from intimidation) That’s what I like to see! Now join the others on the other side - and behave!

(Super Macho Man makes his way to the other side. He shows off his pecs to everyone else like nothing just happened)

AUDITION TAPE 10 - Claus Hugo Strandberg

Standberg: (sitting in a fancy lounge chair) I’m rich, you know? Fancy rich! We’re talking tens of hundreds of billions of dollars rich! If I wanted to, I could turn the entire world into millionaires! The big word is ‘If I wanted to.’ Money is something you earn through hard work. Just look at me! It’s not my fault that those beneath can’t be bothered to do an honest day's work! This competition will make me richer than before, and I love money!

AUDITION TAPE 11 - Super Macho Man

Super Macho Man: (wearing gold sunglasses while flexing his biceps) Oh, these sunglasses? You can’t afford THESE sunglasses! It’ll take you hundreds of years before you can even think of buying them!

??? How did you get so rich?

Super Macho Man: Easy! By knocking out a bunch of fools foolish enough to challenge me in the ring! Fighting hurts my beautiful body, but beating up wimps makes it all worthwhile. Everyone will be so in awe of me, they’ll be begging to let me win!

(End of auditions)

Chris: (whispering to Chef Hatchet) You know what? I think these two will make for some wonderful entertainment! (out loud) How about we look for more campers?

(As if on cue, another speedboat arrives. The three passengers are both female and of similar age. One of them resembles a young Japanese teenager, with wide maroon eyes, red hair that reaches just past the shoulders and wearing a black vest over a white t-shirt, pink checkered skirt, and black boots over some black tights. The second passenger is also Japanese, albeit slightly older. She has greyish blue eyes, long dark blue hair flowing past the waist, as well as a sailor uniform for attire. The final passenger is not Japanese, but instead an American in her late teens. She has brown eyes & long hair, and is wearing a blue denim jacket over a white t-shirt with small patterned holes of numerous shapes, as well as a pink skirt and brown boots)

Chris: Three of them?

Speedboat Driver: Yep! I found them competing in a multiversal version of the X-Factor! (points at the American) This girl here won the whole thing!

Chris: Her?

Speedboat Driver: Yes! Ms Emma Goodall!

(Emma waves at Chris and smiles)

Chris: And what about the other two?

Speedboat Driver: Oh, them? (points at the redhead) That’s Aira Harune. (points at the black-haired girl) And that’s Sayaka Maizono. Both of them were semifinalists in the same singing contest Emma won!

Chris: Oh, really? (approaches Emma) I take it you’re a singer, then?

Emma: Not exactly. I mean, singing is one of my talents, but I dabble in a bunch of other things too. (takes out her camera) Like photography! Say cheese! (takes a picture of a confused Chris)

Chris: Oh! How do I look? (leans in to see the photo) Oh! Absolutely fabulous!

Sayaka: As fresh as a mint, I’d say! (stops herself and bows) Excuse me. (walks past Chris and heads to where the other campers are at)

Chris: Not the most sociable, aren’t you? (to Aira) What about you? Welcome to the show!

Aira: (scratches her head) Well… I’m happy to be here.

Emma & Chris: Good to hear!

Chris: The file I have on you says you’re a ‘Prism Show Performer’. From what I could gather, that’s a mix of ice skating, dancing and singing. Gotta say, it’s physically impossible to do both at the same t…

Aira: That’s not all! I’ve learned that in order to be a great Prism Star, you gotta have a pretty good fashion sense! You need to be able to find the perfect outfit that fits before you go onstage. If you can hear the voices of your clothes speaking to you, then you’ll know you’ve got the perfect combination! Treat them well, and they’ll be as Happy Lucky as you!

(Everyone stares at Aira, confused)

Super Macho Man: What a bunch of looney baloney!

Bridget: Does anyone know what she’s on about?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Serena: I’m not too sure… but I think she’s saying we should take care of our clothes! We wear them for a reason!

Bridget: You know what? That makes a lot more sense!

(Mineta tries to speak, but can’t because of his gag in his mouth)

(Aira joins Emma & Sayaka at the camper group)

Emma: (to Aira & Sayaka) I haven’t had the chance to say it, but I loved your performances during the semis! I could feel the love and passion behind your voices as you sang! Honestly, I kinda wish you two won instead of me.

Sayaka: (shy) Thanks, I guess… (turns away)

Aira: (to Emma) Aww, there’s no need to be so humble. Your voice was amazing too! I think the song you chose complimented your voice pretty well!

Emma: (blushes) Aww… Thank you!

AUDITION TAPE 12 - Emma Goodall

Emma: (standing in a locker room) I do photography because I adore nature. I can’t help but take lovely pictures of the flowers, trees and sky every time I pass this route! Nature is beautiful, and I won’t forgive anyone who ruins it!

???: Where’d you learn how to sing?

Emma: When I was a little girl, my mum used to take me to this very place and sing the same song. Whenever she sang, all the leaves and petals would crowd around her like confetti. Then she’d teach me that song once I grew old enough. That’s how I learnt how to sing!

AUDITION TAPE 13 - Sayaka Maizono

Sayaka: (in the same locker room) I… I don’t feel like talking. Could you please leave me alone?

AUDITION TAPE 14 - Aira Harune

Aira: (in the same locker room) Yeah! Not only am I a Prism Star, but I’m also the Prism Queen, too! Before I got into the whole Prims Show thing, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I mean, I had my mum’s bakery and the thought of becoming a model did cross my mind, but other than that, I had no idea.

???: So… what happened? How did you get here?

Aira: That’s a rather long story, so I’ll explain everything later. All you need to know is that I was forcibly introduced to the concept of Prism Shows one day, and since then, I haven't been any happier! I feel so Happy Lucky when I’m on the rink, and I like to share my happiness with the rest of the world!

(End of auditions)

Chris: That’s fifteen campers down, nine more to go! Who’s up next?

Hatchet: I think we’ve got a returning camper coming up!

Chris: What?

(As Chris says this, a speedboat arrives, carrying a cartoon girl with blonde hair and a red cheerleading uniform. She has no beauty spot on her face)

Chris: I know you! You’re one of the twins!

Past Camper: And you’re the dipshit host that ruined my life!

Chris: (waves his hands) Whoa, whoa! Don’t shoot the messenger! (pauses, then scratches his head) Which twin are you again?

Past Camper: I… (pauses, scratches her head, pauses again as if to remember something, then clears her throat) Amy! I’m Amy!

Chris: Amy? (thinking) What an idiot! How stupid does she think I am? Did she think I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between twins? I know it’s you, Samey! Oh well. I might as well play along with this charade. It could boost up the ratings and make great entertainment once the other campers find the truth! (out loud) Amy! Welcome back to the show! Finally managed to shake off your annoying sister, huh?

Amy: What? (pauses, then replies with no enthusiasm) Uhhh… yeah! Thank goodness.

Chris: Good for you. You see the other campers over there? Go and say hi!

(Amy nods before making her way to the camper group)

Wakiya: So, I take it you’re a reality show veteran?

(Amy nods)

Tetsuya: How was it, crab?

Amy: Terrible!

AUDITION TAPE 15 - Amy

Amy: (standing in the stadium stands) Last time I was on Total Drama, I had the worst experience of my life! Awful food, life-threatening challenges, evil hosts… and you know the worst thing? I had to share this shitty show with my sister! MY SISTER, of all people! But now that she’s gone, I’m gonna have the best time of my life! 

???: What are your hopes for this season?

Amy: I didn’t get as far into my debut season as I’d hoped, but this is a new year, new season, new me! Anything can happen this year. Here’s hoping that winning Total Drama will be one of the highlights of this eventful year!

(End of audition)

Chris: Ah! It’s good to be reunited with some old friends! (Chef Hatchet grins at Chris) Not you! I mean, past campers!

Hatchet: (disappointed) Oh… (sees something on the horizon) Here comes another speedboat!

(Chris turns, just as the aforementioned speedboat arrives at the docks. Out steps a delinquent-looking man in a pompadour. Chef Hatchet flexes while Chris freezes, having traumatic Duncan flashbacks)

Super Macho Man: Who’s this showoff?

Beat: Looks like a fellow rudie!

Delinquent: ああ！ここが今年の私の新しい家に違いない！

Chris: (confused) What the hell is this guy saying?

(Chef Hatchet shrugs)

Delinquent: 名前は Kitsaragi Gentaro. 私の一番の目標は、コンテストに参加している全員と友達になることです。

Chris: (turns to everyone else behind him) Does anyone here know what language he’s speaking? Interns, cameramen?

(All the interns and cameramen shake their heads)

Chris: (turns to the campers) Campers? How about you lot?

(Hiro, Oldbag, Beat, Sly, Mineta, Aira, Wakiya, Tetsuya and Sayaka nod their heads)

Chris: (aside) That’s too many people for my liking. (points at Hiro) You there! Help me translate what he’s saying!

(Hiro nods before making his way to the three men)

Delinquent: どうして日本語で話せないの？私の英語はひどいのに！

Hiro: (raises his hand) 私は日本語を話します！ (approaches the Delinquent) 私の名前は Oozora Hiro. あなたのは何ですか？

Delinquent: 前にも言ったように、Kitsaragi Gentaro. 喜んで！

Hiro: ありがとう。 (turns to Chris and the others) He says his name is Gentaro Kitsaragi, and his number one goal is to befriend everyone in the competition!

(We hear a wide range of murmurs, gasps, and other reactions from everyone else)

Strandberg: (smugly) Befriend everyone in the competition? That’s a low-IQ man if I’ve ever seen one.

Sly: It’s physically impossible! Do you think he even hears what he’s saying?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

(Mineta tries to speak, but again, nothing comes out)

Emma: (passionately) I don’t think it’s impossible! I think it’s admirable to have such a goal!

Serena: (unsure) I don’t know… We’ve already got quite a lot of people here.

Aira: Not to worry! I’m sure he can do it!

Chris: (to Hiro) Tell him to join the other campers over there.

Hiro: I will. (to Gentaro) Gentaro-san, あなたにはあそこにいる他のキャンプ参加者たちと一緒に来てほしいんです。

(Hiro points at where the other campers are. Gentaro nods to show his thanks before joining the other campers. The other Japanese campers start talking to him inaudibly)

Serena: Hey! One day, could any of you teach me Japanese someday?

(All the Japanese campers nod)

Chris: So… based on the fact that Gentaro speaks exclusively in a foreign language that most of us don’t know about, I’m assuming there’s no audition tape for him?

Hatchet: Nope.

(Chris sighs. Just then, another speedboat arrives. It is carrying an anthropomorphic nutria with cyan fur, buck teeth and braces, as well as a 2D woman with half of her face coloured yellow and the other half coloured blue)

Nutria: This is lame! No burger restaurants, evil lairs or even sacred temples? What a total drag!

Chris: Not to worry, animal!  There’ll be plenty of these later down the line! You’ll just need to hope you get far enough!

Two-Faced Woman: I’m interested! I’ve seen plenty of weird stuff in my time, but my world ain’t weird enough for burger restaurants! (pauses) What’s a burger?

Nutria: You’ll find out when Dave the Intern here cooks one up for you!

Two-Faced Woman: Oh, goody!

Hatchet: (to the two-faced woman) YOU! ENA! I know you! You’re that animated sprite from the Jason Derulo music video!

ENA: (confused) Huh?

Hatchet: That shit was TERRIBLE! 0/10! I hated every single second of listening to that trash song! It deserves to rot in hell just like its singer!

ENA: I have no idea what you’re talking about. For starters, I can’t even sing! Just look at my performance on the Electric Elimination Game Show! And besides, my homeland doesn’t do singing competitions!

Hatchet: (dismissively) If you say so, man…

ENA: HEY! I’m not a man! I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I’m a woman!

Chris: That’s enough, both of you! Dave, ENA, unfortunately, I don’t have any space for additional interns, but I do have plenty of room for campers! Go join your future rivals on the other side!

(ENA & Dave make their way towards the other campers)

Beat: Dave the Intern! I’m acquainted with that blue hedgehog friend of yours.

Dave: We’re not friends!

Beat: (ignoring what Dave said) Say, how fast can you run?

Dave: (annoyed) Isn’t it obvious? I’m at average speed! Why did you feel the need to ask?

AUDITION TAPE 16 - Dave the Intern

Dave: (serving at a counter in a burger restaurant) Welcome to Meh Burger! We serve the best hamburgers in town, because we serve the only hamburgers in town! How can I help you? If you’re eating in, may I take your order?

???: I’m not here for your food! I’m here to ask you some questions!

Dave: About what?

???: (furious) WEREN’T YOU LISTENING! WE NEED YOU TO TELL US HOW YOU’RE FEELING ABOUT BEING DRAFTED TO TOTAL DRAMA!

Dave: (bored) Oh, that. (clears his throat) Eh. It’s fine, I guess. Not the worst thing I’ve participated in since my ill-fated internship as Eggman. Could be worse.

AUDITION TAPE 17 - ENA

ENA: (standing at a pixelated area) Once I sign up, this won’t be the first time I’ve done this kind of thing before. I’ve participated in shows such as the Electric Elimination Game Show, amongst other things. So… yeah. I think I’m the most likely to win around here. My experience will shine over everyone else’s aggressive recklessness!

(End of auditions)

Gentaro: (on ENA) あの子に何が起こったの？顔にペンキが飛び散ったみたい！

Beat: 彼女はただの漫画のキャラクターだと思うよ。漫画を見たことがないのか？

Wakiya: 誰かがあなたに必要な英語のレッスンを教えるべきです！こんな状態は続けられません！

Oldbag: しかし、まだ数分しか経っていません!

Wakiya: (annoyed) 黙れ！誰があなたの意見を求めたんだ、おばあさん？

Oldbag: (growls) Kids these days are so entitled!

Wakiya: (angry) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ENTITLED?

Strandberg: Could you please keep your volume at a minimum? I’m trying to listen to what Chris is saying.

Amy: Yeah! Shut up and… (scratches her head) leave my ears in peace!

(We focus back on Chris and Chef Hatchet as they await the next camper)

Chris: So, what did you eat for breakfast today?

Hatchet: The usual - just a normal English Breakfast! I might be Canadian, but there’s no better way to start the day than mushrooms, scrambled eggs, bread and hash browns!

Chris: (unseriously) How unpatriotic of you. (hears a woosh in the distance) Wait. Did you hear that?

Hatchet: Hear what?

Chris: A wooshing sound right behind us!

Hatchet: I didn’t hear anything!

(Another woosh is heard. Chris and Chef Hatchet turn around, only to find nothing there. Another woosh is heard as a blur dashes behind a rather large palm tree)

Hatchet: WHO’S THERE? SHOW YOURSELF! YOU BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER DAMN PERVERT! 

(Silence)

Bridget: Hey, hey! There’s no need for such aggression! All you need to do is show a kind heart, and they’ll love you back! Right, Serena?

Serena: (nods) Mm-Hm! I wonder who that is? The one hiding over there, I mean.

(Bridget & Serena trod towards the tree that the blur ran behind, with smiles on their faces. They find a pale-skinned female with long brown hair and a dark green jacket, hiding her face from everybody)

Shy Female: Keep away… Please… I don’t wanna cause any trouble…

Serena: (crouches) Hey, hey! Don’t panic! There’s nothing to worry about! You’re safe here!

Shy Female: N-n-n-not them! You!

Bridget: Huh?

Shy Female: I wanna join the competition, but I’m scared… Scared I might lash out somehow. Scared I might lose control and hurt someone… I… just can’t!

Serena: (smiles) No need to worry! If that ever happens, we’ll be more than ready to handle it! I won’t judge or get angry, I’ll just let you vent all your problems towards me! You can trust me, okay?

Shy Female: Are you sure?

Bridget: Sure! I used to be an outcast, but now I’m the most famous person in my hometown! Whatever caused you to act like this, I’m sure we can get to the root of it in no time!

(The shy female turns around to show her face, further revealing herself to be a teenage girl with unnaturally red eyes)

Serena: (amazed) Wow! These are some beautiful red eyes! What kind of makeup did you use to make them look this way?

Shy Teen: They’re natural! If I could, I’d change them, along with the rest of my body!

(Serena & Bridget look at each other, confused)

Shy Teen: (assertively) I’m a vampire, okay?

(Serena gasps, nearly falling over with shock. She nervously backs away)

Bridget: (curiously) A vampire, you say? How interesting! (bends down towards the Shy Teen) What’s your name, little vampire?

Serena: No! Don’t! She’ll turn you into… (stutters)

Shy Teen: (nervously) B-b-b-b-Bree Tanner.

Bridget: (to Serena) See? Nothing to worry about after all! (to Bree) Hey there, Bree! I’m Bridget, and this is Serena! Pleased to meet you! (offers Bree her hand) C’mon! I’ll take you to where all the other campers are waiting!

(Bree hesitates for a brief moment before gradually reaching out towards Bridget’s hand, visibly resisting the urge to feed. She grabs Bridget’s hand, allowing her to pull her up. Next, they and Serena head back to the docks)

Serena: Tah-dah! Here she is! Everyone, meet Bree Tanner!

(Everyone turns to look at the new camper)

Chris: I remember her name being on the invitation list. Why couldn’t we get her the normal way?

Intern: We tried, but she bit a few of us and then ran away! We didn’t even have time to film an audition!

Chris: Why didn’t you tell us we’d be having a vampire in our ranks?

Intern: We couldn’t! There was a blackout!

Chris: All is forgiven… for now! (to Bridget, Bree & Serena) You three! Please head back to where the other campers are!

(Serena, Bridget & Bree regroup with the other campers. The sun comes out, causing Bree’s skin to sparkle like diamonds)

Gentaro: 何？

Beat: Check out those sparkles, dude!

(Minerta tries in vain to speak. No words are heard, but his tone implies approval)

Super Macho Man: Does anyone know what’s with this kid?

Tetsuya: (shrugs) I dunno.

Super Macho Man: HEY! I wasn’t asking you!

Amy: I remember now! It’s because, from where she comes from, vampires have skin that sparkles in direct contact with the sun! (as everyone stares at her) What? Twilight’s a good series!

Oldbag & ENA: Oh no it’s not!

Wakiya: (sees Bree) UGH! Get this disgusting little beast away from the stage! Vampires have no place in the world!

(We return to Chris & Chef Hatchet as Bridget chews out Wakiya for hurting Bree’s feelings)

Chris: I’ve got a feeling they’ll get along well with our resident vampire!

Hatchet: Think so?

Chris: Definitely! As a matter of fact, I’m confident that our next camper will be just as welcoming, because here she comes! (pauses) Wait. Where’s the speedboat carrying the next camper?

Hatchet: (points ahead) You mean the one sinking on the horizon?

(Chris looks at where Chef Hatchet is pointing. There is indeed a speedboat capsizing in the distance. Watching the sinking sea vessel is an unidentified female hovering just above the water. She has black hair tied in an updo, as well as flowing, regal red robes. Hot flames are being emitted from her hands. Chris and Chef Hatchet’s jaws drop as she turns towards them in anger)

Hatchet: No way! It’s… it’s…

Chris: AZULA!!!

Azula: Participate in your silly varsity show, you say? HAH! Don’t make me laugh! How about I destroy you instead? That would be far more entertaining!

(Chris & Chef Hatchet duck for cover just as Azula hurls a stream of fire at them. She lands on the pier, kicking them into the water. The interns open fire with their pistols, but she counters with her fireballs, eventually overwhelming them. She then leaps into the air before releasing two fire pinwheels across the pier, burning several interns into a crisp)

Chris: SHIT! SOMEONE STOP HER!

Hatchet: Then why did you try to invite her?

Chris: I didn’t think she’d react so dramatically!

Dave: Do you want me to untie Mineta?

Chris: NO!

(Serena reaches into her bag, only to stop as she realises her PokéBalls aren’t inside. Meanwhile, Dave & Oldbag draw their pistols and prepare to fire. A white gloved hand stops them)

Dave: (sees the white masked figure) Kamen Rider Fourze… GENTARO?!

Gentaro: 撃つのを止めろ！早く終わらせる。

(Oldbag nods, puts her gun away and gestures to Dave to do the same. As they do, Gentaro inserts an AstroSwitch into his Fourze Driver)

Fourze Driver: Winch ON! Water ON!

(Meanwhile, Azula is ducking and weaving about, dodging fire from intern guns and evading swipes from intern batons. She grabs onto the upper end of a tree trunk, using her free hand to lash at her enemies with a fire whip. She jumps off the tree to deliver a fiery dropkick on an unfortunate intern, sending him blasting off again)

Azula: Too easy! And they said this was prestigious! (conjures fireballs from both hands) Who else feels like walking to their doom?

(A rope with a silver hook shoots out behind Azula. She turns around just as the rope surrounds her and effectively ties her up. She ignites her hands, but the ropes remain firm)

Azula: (shocked) What the hell is this? Let me go! (sees Gentaro binding her with the Winch Module on his left arm) Who are YOU?

Gentaro: (apparently understanding what Azula said) Kamen Rider Fourze! タイマン張らせてもらうぜ！

(Azula breathes fire towards Gentaro, who responds by pointing the Water Module on his left leg forward. The high-pressure water jet it fires easily overpowers Azula’s fire breath, giving her an impromptu bath. Azula growls with frustration)

Gentaro: だからね！テストでは一桁点しか取れないかもしれないけど、水は必ず火に勝つって知ってる！

Hiro: Hooray! That’s what you call a superhero! He reminds me so much of Cosmic Hero Senshiman!

(Azula tries to breathe fire again, but fails because of her wet body. Gentaro shortens the winch, dragging her towards Chris)

Chris: (smiles) Thank you for your help, Fourze! (Gentaro bows his head) Now, I have another question to ask. WHAT THE FUCK!  I SAID NOT TO USE VIOLENCE!

Intern: We didn’t have a choice! She attacked us the minute we said our piece! I know you told us and the gangsters not to resort to criminal means, but there’s nothing wrong with self-defence when you’re being pitted against a monster! Right?

Azula: (furiously) SAY THAT TO MY FACE! I DARE YOU!!!

Chris: Point taken. Interns, tie her up, gag her mouth and put her next to Sly and Mineta.

(The interns wrap Azula in fireproof chains, letting Gentaro deactivate the Winch module. They put some duct tape around her mouth before putting her with the other campers)

Beefy Bert: Not cool, dude! That’s no way to treat a girl!

Beat: So what? She deserved it for being an aggressive little bitch!

(Mineta makes several grunts of fear)

Sly: (to Azula) Well, well, look what we have here! Another captive camper to keep me and the little boy company! 

Azula: (thinking while staring at Gentaro) Kamen Rider Fourze, you say? I’ll have my eye on you from now on!

Emma: Gentaro, that’s a cool outfit! Does that mean you’re a ranger too?

Hiro: (to Gentaro) Gentaro-san! 彼女はあなたのスーパーヒーローのコスチュームを褒めて、あなたもパワーレンジャーなのかと尋ねました。

Gentaro: いや、いや！わたしは仮面ライダーだ！仮面ライダーフォーゼ！

Hiro: (to Emma) He insists he’s a Kamen Rider, or Kamen Rider Fourze, to be precise. I’m not quite sure what that means, but I like it!

Emma: Thank you.

Hatchet: (to Chris) Will the next camper be as chaotic as the last one?

Chris: She shouldn’t be. I mean, she has a sword & shield, but that shouldn’t be much of a problem! She should be coming in ten seconds. Nine, eight, seven, six…

(Right on cue, another speedboat arrives, this one being driven by a Los Santos Vagos member. The passenger appears to be a young woman with two red pigtails, a silver circlet around her forehead, bright orange eyes and a fabulously regal dress resembling feminine legionnaire armour. She is holding a fiery orange broadsword in her right hand and a small shield shaped like a ram’s head in her left hand. The woman steps onto the docks as Chris takes out some papers)

Vagos Member: There she is, homie! When do I get the dough?

Chris: I’ll wire the money to your account, amigo! (to the woman) Welcome to the show, Poppy! Do you have a surname I can write down, or is it just ‘Poppy’?

Poppy: Just ‘Poppy’.

Chris: Very good! (looks at the papers again) When we had you do the registration papers, I couldn’t help but notice that you put down ‘Goddess’ on the part where you reveal your species, as well as ‘Royal Court of Aries’ on the part where you list your occupation. What’s up with these? Were you feeling arrogant or something?

Poppy: No! They’re all true! I was saved by the gods when I was a little girl, and now I’m one of them!

Chris: (unsure) If you say so, madam! (thinking) Goddess or not, this is a surefire way to raise the ratings! There’s no such thing as gods; that’s a proven fact! But if I play along, the campers and the audience might do as well! (out loud) Go join the other campers on the other side of the docks! They won’t bite!

Poppy: Uh… Thank you! (joins the other campers)

Sly: I told you gods were real!

Super Macho Man: Shut up! You never said such a thing! There’s only one god around town, and that’s ME! (flexes)

(Mineta & Azula make disgruntled noises)

AUDITION TAPE 18 - Poppy

Poppy: (sitting in an ancient Roman bathhouse) You wanna know about my shield? Okay, sure! (presents her shield) This shield used to belong to my brother. When he fell in battle, I inherited it and I’ve had it with me ever since. Did you know that everyone who serves under the Court of Aries has a replica of the shield I’m using? After I joined my brother on the battlefield, I used to have one of those replicas. I only received the real deal once it was time to inherit his position…

(Lightning strikes the bathhouse, causing a blackout. The cameramen turn on their flashlights to find Poppy nowhere to be seen. They turn the corner to find a frightened Poppy hiding behind a pillar)

Cameraman: Oh my…

Poppy: (nervously) Is… Is it over?

(End of audition)

Chris: (confused) That’s… it? I read that she was a bit timid, but I didn’t think that would be enough to scare her! (thunder sounds) AAAAHHH!!!

(Chris falls backwards onto the planks. We pan over to an intern with a boombox, playing thunderstorm sounds from the loud speakers. Chef Hatchet, the other interns and most of the campers laugh)

Chris: (gets up) Why is everyone laughing? (sees the intern with the boombox) HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME! TAKE THIS!

(Chris snaps his fingers. A purple wormhole appears above the mischievous intern, sending him AND his boombox into the Dark Nebula)

Hatchet: (disapproving) Chris! That was overexcessive!

Chris: He got what was coming for him. Anyone who plays a nasty trick on me deserves an equally nasty punishment! (clears his throat) Where were we? Oh yes! Introducing the final few campers! And speaking of them… (points towards the horizon) Here comes one of them now!

(A speedboat being driven by a Ballas member comes into view. The passenger is a young Sheikah woman with long white hair, a caramel white kimono with red & blue highlights that reach down to the ankles, a comically large straw hat with four small Sheikah keychains dangling off it, and wooden sandals)

Ballas Member: Got ‘er into your crib, man. You better pay me for this shit, or I’m complaining to the OGs, motherfucker.

Chris: Don’t worry! You’ll be paid! (approaches the speedboat) Welcome to the show, Ms… (looks more closely) Where is she?

Ballas: What do you mean? She’s right… (sees the passenger is missing) Whoops!

Hatchet: Hiding, huh?

Chris: Shit! Our camper has vanished, and I’ve no idea where she could’ve gone! This is a disaster!

Hatchet: Why not check in the back compartment?

Chris: (confused) The back compartment? What do you… (sees it) Ah! The back compartment! Let’s open it up! (clears his throat) Chef?

(Chef Hatchet steps onto the boat and opens the back compartment. The Sheikah Woman is hiding inside, shivering, quivering and trying her best to keep her face hidden)

Sheikah Woman: EEEKKK! (hides her head under her knees) Don’t look at me! I… I’ve got a bad hair day!

Chris: Bad hair day? I hate it when that happens. No matter what you do, your hair never seems to stay in place and…

Hatchet: ENOUGH TALK! It can’t be THAT bad! Quit whining and come out!

Sheikah Woman: But…

(Chef Hatchet grabs the Sheikah Woman’s legs, drags her out of the boat and drops her onto the docks)

Ballas Member: Consider my job done, ni**a! (drives off)

(The Sheikah Woman gets up. She is indeed having a bad hair day, but only on the back and the tips of her hair. Chris & Chef Hatchet stare at her)

Chris: I recognise her! That’s Paya, chief of the Sheikah Tribe! What’s she doing all the way on my island?

Hatchet: You invited that kid, remember?

Chris: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Paya: Oh! (hides behind Chris & Chef Hatchet) Please don’t look at me! Don’t let anything see me! I’m hideous! I feel so embarrassed!

Hatchet: (sticks Paya’s hat to her back) Oh, look! It attaches! (drops his excitement in favour of seriousness) This should fix things. You'd better not complain!

(Paya squeezes her hat against her head as she reluctantly makes her way towards the other campers)

Strandberg: Just what is with that big hat you’ve got? Are you sure you’re not trying to overcompensate for something?

Dave: So what? My mum wears her hat like that all the time!

AUDITION TAPE 19 - Paya

Paya: (standing somewhere in Kakariko Village) Do I really need to talk to you guys? I get so much stage fright whenever I have an audience!

???: Just a few words, Chief. That’s all we need from you!

Paya: Just… a few?

???: Yes!

Paya: Uhh… okay. (clears her throat) As chieftain of the Sheikah and representative of Kakariko Village, I know the immense pressure facing me as I take on this daunting task. I won’t let them down!

???: Well… that went a lot better than I anticipated.

(End of audition)

Chris: Last camper! Who’s it gonna be this time? (Chef Hatchet whispers something in his ear) God hater? I told you, there’s no such thing as gods!

Hatchet: There ain’t no proof to prove that!

Chris: But there’s also no proof to prove they do exist, so I win! (as Chef Hatchet opens his mouth to object) And here it is! The final speedboat!

(The speedboat arrives, with its driver doing a handstand on the steering wheel. The passenger, a  handsome muscular tanned young man with sandy blond hair, blue eyes, a sneaky appearance and a thick, deep scar running from the end of his right eye to his chin. The pretty boy steps onto the docks)

Chris: (to Hatchet) I have a good feeling about this camper.

Hatchet: Why?

Chris: He looks sketchy to me. He looks like the kind of person who’d steal your socks in your sleep. The kind who’d spread nasty rumours about you behind your back. The one who’d… (scratches his head) Break into your safe at night!

Pretty Boy: So, you’re Chris McLean, right?

Chris: Yours truly! Are you a fan?

Pretty Boy: I certainly am! (thinking) In reality shows like these, the first course of action is to make a good impression on the hosts. That will give you some favouritism from them.

Chris: Did you hear that, interns? He’s a fan! A fan of me! How wonderful is that? (to the Pretty Boy) Luke Castellan, I take it? Are you Greek or…

Luke: No. I’m American. I just know a lot of Greek.

Chris: I see. Go join your fellow campers. (to Chef Hatchet) I sense some drama coming!

Luke: (while walking towards the other campers) Και έτσι ξεκινάει. Αυτό το νησί δεν φαίνεται πολύ διαφορετικό από το Camp Half-Blood, αλλά δεν ξέρω τι επιφυλάσσει ο Κρις. Αν αγωνιζόμαστε σε ένα παιχνίδι χωρίς αποκλεισμούς, καλύτερα να μείνω μακριά από τα φώτα της δημοσιότητας. Αν όχι...

Poppy: Συγγνώμη? Τι είναι ένας Ημίαιμος Στρατοπέδου?

Luke: Είναι μια θερινή κατασκήνωση για ημίθεους σαν εμένα. Δεν θα την συνιστούσα να την επισκεφτείτε.

AUDITION TAPE 20 - Luke Castellan

Luke: (standing in a forest) You know, I really hate Gods. Just the idea alone is enough to grind my gears. Just imagine a bunch of people up above, manipulating us to do their bidding, tormenting us at every opportunity, sending us on pointless quests just to satisfy their own egos, and generally treating us like disposable, political pawns… The fact that I’m a demigod makes it all the more sickening!

(End of auditions)

Chris: (to the cameras) And that’s all the campers, folks! Now that we’ve got everyone here, there is now only one thing left to do: distribute teams! (turns around) Interns, distribute the campers into four teams of equal gender numbers!

(The interns move in to distribute the campers. We soon have four groups of campers spaced out across the beach. Strandberg, Tetsuya, Poppy, Aira, Super Macho Man and Oldbag are one group. Hiro, Emma, Beefy Bert, Bree, Gentaro and Amy are another. The third group has Azula, Beat, Wakiya, ENA, Bridget and Dave, while the fourth group consists of Sly, Mineta, Serena, Luke, Paya & Sayaka. Chef Hatchet makes sure to untie Mineta, Sly & Azula)

Azula: (thinking) Seems like I have no choice other than to compete in this farce. Oh well. I might as well show them how superior I am.

Chef Hatchet: (points at Super Macho Man’s group) You are one team. (points at Gentaro’s group) You are another team. (points at Azula’s group) You are the third team. (points at Luke’s group) And you are team No. 4. You four will compete in challenges across the coming few months every couple of days. The winning team gets to enjoy themselves with fresh prizes…

Chris: And the losing team must choose who is the worst of the worst! The loser with the most votes will be eliminated and sent off the island forever!

Wakiya: Hmph. Typical. Good thing I’m not going anywhere. I’m headed straight for the top!

Azula: (smiles) We’ll see about that.

Beat: You’re both wrong. The one dancing at the top will be me!

Aira: We’re gonna be teammates together! HAPPY LUCKY!!!

Poppy: Uhh… happy lucky too, I guess. (gives Aira a fist bump)

Super Macho Man: What are you doing? You ain’t gonna steal my thunder! (pushes Aira & Poppy aside)

Aira: OW! Hey! That wasn’t very nice!

(Oldbag helps Aira & Poppy up)

Hiro: Gentaro-san! 信じられない！私たち同じチームだ！楽しいことが始まるのが待ちきれない！

Gentaro: 同じ気持ちです、Hiro! 今日から僕たちは仲間だよ！まずは君、次は番組の残りのメンバー！ (does a special friendship handshake with Hiro)

Amy: Does anyone know what these two jokers are talking about?

Emma: Beats me. I never studied Japanese at school.

Bree: Me neither. I ran away before I could finish school!

Luke: Mineta and Sly.

Mineta: Huh? Me?

Sly: Why are you singling me out?

Luke: You two have quite the reputation for being troublemakers. My advice? Stay out of trouble and don't do anything stupid, lest you want an early end.

Sly & Mineta: Since when have we done anything stupid?

Luke: Just saying.

Serena: This is gonna be fun! (to her teammates) Don’t you agree?

(Paya & Luke nod)

Sayaka: Uhh… if you say so…

Luke: (whispers to Serena) She’s not the most talkative person out there, isn’t she?

Serena: Relax! She’s just a bit shy, that’s all. I’m sure that after a while, she’ll start opening up to us!

Chris: I hope you’re satisfied with the campers you’ve been paired with, cos’ you’ll be staying with them for a long time! The first challenge begins at sunset, and when that happens, I expect you to have determined your team names and leader! For the time being, go get some relaxation at your dormitories! Interns? Lead the teams to their homes!

(Four interns meet up with each of the newly formed teams before leading them away from the beach and towards the forests, in slightly different directions)

Chris: (faces the camera) And that’s all for now, fellas! Join next time when the campers get themselves acquainted with their new homes and do the next challenge. So stay tuned for when the next Episode comes up! This is Total! Drama! PANEL CHANNELRAMA!!!

Chapter Text

(We start things off shortly after teams have formed. All the campers and four of the interns have already left the Western Beach, with the remaining interns doing cleaning duty across the beach. Chris & Chef Hatchet are standing on the docks, staring at a tablet)

Hatchet: Hey! Could you please give me a heads-up on what I’m supposed to be watching?

Chris: No can do! What I’m about to show you is meant to be a surprise!

Hatchet: Why are you keeping a surprise like this from your friend?

Chris: Because I felt like it. (presses the screen) Here goes!

(We zoom in to see what Chris & Chef Hatchet are seeing. It is an amateurishly made video meant to serve as some title sequence to Panel ChannelRama. Chef closes the video just as it ends)

Hatchet: What? Did I just watch?

Chris: (proudly) A little something I made all by myself! You can thank me later.

Hatchet: (aside) That explains plenty of things… Like the reason why not all the campers show up! Or those bold predictions of the main characters.

Chris: Relax, Chef! Viewers get a peek at them all in the middle! It’s not like they’re missing out on anything! Trust me, I’ve got great intuition! The three mains I predicted will make it far on their own!

(Why don’t we get a look at the opening Chris & Chef were talking about? Here it is!)

(After the intro ends, we shift our focus towards Gentaro’s team, who have just arrived at their home for the next month or two: a three-story dormitory resembling a modern-day house. The intern who’d led them there takes out some keys and unlocks the door)

Intern: And voila! Welcome to your new home!

(The six campers enter the house, into the hallway)

Hiro: Whoa! It looks awesome! It’s like a full hero’s base here!

Intern: I'm glad you like it, Hiro-kun! The previous owners put in a lot of effort into decoration. 

Bree: Excuse me? I don’t mean to be rude, but how do you know his name?

Intern: I'm an intern, remember? As an employee of the Total Drama team, I get the same amount of confidential information as the hosts do!

Gentaro: (raises his hand) もう一つあります！どうしてそんなに日本語が上手なのですか？ [One more question! Why are you so good at Japanese?]

Intern: Kisaragi、私を知ってるんじゃないの？[Kisaragi, don't you remember me?] 

(Gentaro shakes his head) 

Intern: Campers, follow me! I’ll take you to the most interesting bit of the house!

(The intern takes Gentaro’s team to a door underneath the stairs. He opens it to reveal a portal on the other side. Everyone steps through)

Emma: It’s all so mysterious, if you ask me. I wonder what’s gonna be on the other side?

Hiro: (pumped up) Mysterious? Don’t you mean cool! The anticipation is killing me! It’s like I’m a solo Power Ranger discovering my soon-to-be comrade’s base for the first time!

Emma: I guess it is like that. (sighs) I remember that feeling…

Hiro: Oh? Was it a bad experience?

Emma: No, no! Not at all! Best thing that ever happened to me!

Amy: (rudely) HEY! I totally mean to interrupt, but wouldn’t you like to know where we’re going? This is creeping me out! (taps Bert on the shoulder) Wouldn’t you like to know?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Amy: Someone better tell us, OR ELSE!

(The campers and the intern step out of the portal. They emerge into a white, futuristic corridor with many doors)

Bree: Just where are we?

CONFESSIONAL - Bree Tanner

Bree: I felt so relieved when I emerged from the other side of the portal. Before that, I thought I was being sent back to the Volturi! I was scared for my life, honestly!

(End of confessional)

Emma: Looks like we’re in a spaceship!

(The intern goes towards one of the doors. He opens it, gesturing to the campers to come in. They enter into a large, modern-day school laboratory with test tubes, Bunsen burners and other science-related stuff galore. There is a separate chamber on the far side of the room)

Intern: Welcome… to ALCHEWORLD! (puts on a blue lab coat) Kisaragi-san、今私を認識できましたか？[Kisaragi-san, do you recognize me now?]

Gentaro: (confused) どうして私の名前を知っているんですか？私たちは一度も… [How do you know my name? We've never…] (looks more closely) KENGO-KUN???

(We get a closer look at Kengo Utahoshi the intern. He is a young male at approximately Gentaro’s age, with dark brown eyes and a dark brown bowl haircut. Underneath the blue lab coat is a simple white button-up shirt)

Kengo: 実際にお会いできて嬉しいです！またお会いできて、嬉しいと同時に驚きました。[I'm so happy to meet you in person! I was both happy and surprised to meet you again.] (gives Gentaro a high-five)

Gentaro: 怪しいホストのために働いてるなんて何してるの？大学行くのかと思ってたけど！[What are you doing working for a shady host? I thought you were going to uni!]

Kengo: どうにかしてあの高い授業料を払わなきゃ。クリスは嫌な奴だけど、払いはいいんだ。[I have to pay those expensive tuition fees somehow. Chris is a jerk, but he's willing to pay handsomely to his proper employees.]

Bree: (raises her hand) Hey! I hope I’m not interrupting anything, but… do you know each other?

Kengo: As a matter of fact, yes we do! Kisaragi & I used to be classmates back in secondary school. I was his handler and maintenance man during our days in the Kamen Rider Club!

Hiro: (excited) You mean it? That’s AWESOME!!

(Emma, Bree, Beefy Bert and a reluctant Amy nod in agreement)

Hiro: I mean, just think about it! Two former partners from a disbanded superhero team are reuniting and teaming up for one last tango! This is like those legacy tributes they make for old superhero movies, years after they first aired!

Emma: He sure is passionate, isn’t he?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Amy: (struggling to maintain an angry face) Well, this passion is getting on my nerves!

Kengo: (clears his throat) If everyone is finished geeking out about Kisaragi and I, I’d like to continue with the tour! (leads everyone into the chamber) And this is the testing chamber! Kitsaragi and I used to test all sorts of new equipment in a room similar to this. (whispers in Gentaro’s ear) この場所はラビットハッチにとても似ているので、大々的なツアーは必要ありません。静かにしていてください。私がお話します。[This place is so similar to Rabbit Hutch that it doesn't need a big tour. Just be quiet and I'll tell you the story.]

Gentaro: わかった。[Understood.] (heads outside)

Kengo: ありがとう。[Thanks.] (resumes his tour) As part of its role in weapon experimentation, this chamber is designed to be nigh-indestructible! You can do anything in there: light fires, shoot rockets, blow up bombs, and it wouldn’t receive even a small scratch! (takes out a remote detonator) See those spherical red lights on the ceiling?

Amy: (rudely) Yeah, what about them?

Kengo: They’re actually rounds of C4, used by my employers as demolition devices. One of them is enough to cause an avalanche on a snowy mountain! (gestures the campers to leave) Stand back and cover your ears! (leaves the chamber and closes the door behind him as everyone covers their ears) These things reach more than 150 decibels - more than enough to cause permanent hearing loss!

(Kengo presses the detonator. Everyone winces as explosions rock the chamber. Emma is the only one who squeals in pain & fright, prompting Bert to give her ear defenders. The explosions eventually stop, allowing everyone to uncover their ears. Emma breathes a huge sigh of relief)

CONFESSIONAL - Hiro Oozora

Hiro: Honestly, that was the best experience EVER! Meeting two former superheroes, getting a sneak peek at their base, and that illustrious Alcheworld that just screams superhero HQ! I feel like my heart could leap out of my chest from all this excitement!

(End of confessional)

Amy: What the hell was that performance about?

Emma: (embarrassed) Sorry… That was just really loud…

Kengo: (thinking) But that was loud for everyone in the room! Could she have more sensitive hearing than the average human?

(Amy continues scolding Emma inaudibly while Gentaro eyes the former with suspicion. Meanwhile, at another house, Luke’s team are following an intern with a green leather jacket and a female intern up a flight of stairs)

Mineta: (panting, while staring at the female intern) When are we… gonna… get there… I feel like… my legs… will… fall off… 

Luke: Show some discipline! We’ve only gone up two and a half floors!

Green Jacket Intern: Yeah! You’re supposed to be a hero! Set the example and quit complaining!

Mineta: But…

Paya: And could you please stop staring at that intern? It’s making me feel uncomfortable!

Mineta: Aww!

Sly, Luke & Green Jacket Intern: JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP WALKING!

(The two interns lead the campers up towards a metal door at the top of the stairs. They open it to reveal a large terrace up on the roof. It is a large plank deck with lights under the steps, various potted plants by the corners and parts of the guardrails, a pool at the far end of the terrace, as well as a sitting area in the middle, with sofas to get everyone comfortable. The campers look in awe at the sight)

Serena: WOW! It’s so beautiful!!

Sayaka: (quietly) How lovely…

Mineta: (excitedly) BEST GIFT EVER! IT’S LIKE I’VE BEEN BLESSED BY THE HEAVENS! (runs over to the guardrails) Look at this! You can see the entire show area from here! You can watch as all the hot girls go to and fro, throwing their sweet hips about! I wonder if I’d be able to see through their rooms if I had a pair of…

(Sly & Luke simultaneously slap Mineta unconscious, causing him to hit the deck. They grab him and place him on the sofa)

CONFESSIONAL - Luke Castallan

Luke: (arms crossed) Mineru Mineta. Why did I have the misfortune of babysitting a baby-sized (air quotes) hero like him? If his current behaviour is anything to go by, he’s worse than Sly! If we ever lose a challenge, I’ll target him!

CONFESSIONAL - Sly

Sly: I admit, I’m not a nice guy. I’ve stolen from countless people, profited from numerous wars, and I’ve scammed hundreds of gullible fools out of their money! I don’t regret a single minute of it. But hey, even thieves have standards! And being a total pervert is a big no-no for even the most cold-hearted among us! I’d probably get the death penalty for doing anything Mineta gets up to in his spare time!

(End of confessionals)

Serena: (sits down on one of the sofas) You know, I can really imagine myself coming here quite often. Sitting here and relaxing… (sits back on the cushions)  I’m gonna enjoy myself around here! (turns to Sayaka) What about you?

Sayaka: Yeah. Guess so. (sighs)

Luke: (stands up) This is no time to lounge around! We've still got a large amount of the house we're yet to see! (to the interns) Ain’t that right?

Mineta: (awakens with a jolt) No! This is a bluff, right? You can’t be making us walk all the way down after making us go the way up!

Green Jacket Intern: Yes I can! (opens the terrace door) We're yet to see the armoury in the basement!

Luke: (intrigued) Weapons armoury? This is getting interesting! Lead the way!

(Luke and the others follow the interns downstairs. At another house is Azula’s team, checking out the bedrooms. Azula is in an oriental Japanese-style bedroom, complete with several Japanese paintings on the wall, a potted bamboo plant on the windowsill, a pair of katanas hanging on the wall, wooden flooring and a futon with a white pillow & duvet. She grabs one of the katanas and brandishes it, rubbing her fingers on the blade)

Azula: (thinking) Truly a fascinating weapon! (puts the katana in the drawer) This room could use a bit of a regal refurbishment, but other than that, it's perfect for me! Judging by its appearance, the previous owner must have been from the Fire Nation too. (grins) This is all I need!

CONFESSIONAL - Azula

Azula: Is anyone listening in? (quickly searches the confessional booth) No? Perfect! Now that everything is nearly underway, here's my game plan: First, assert my dominance towards this team as its undisputed leader. Next, lead the team to flawless victories with ruthless precision. With my powers and my people skills, this should be an easy task. Finally, once teams are merged and we start competing for ourselves, I'll subtly get the opposition to vote each other out while I'll slide to victory! I can do it in many ways, from staying out of the radar, framing or blackmail. And I won't let anyone get in my way, especially that so-called Fourze!

(End of confessional. Next door is Bridget, who is looking into a very girlish bedroom. It has grey mat flooring, a white ceiling and white furniture, but everything else is pink, from the walls to the bedding. The camper stares at her surroundings, confused, disappointed and slightly embarrassed. She is fidgeting with her yo-yo as she looks around her room)

Bridget: (slightly lost for words) Well… that’s one heck of a room! The last person who was there must have been one heck of a girly girl! (sits on the bed) At least the bed’s comfortable! (lies down and nearly falls asleep before shaking herself awake) Brrrr!! Not the right time, Bridget!

CONFESSIONAL - Bridget

Bridget: (still playing with her yoyo) I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not a big fan of the room the housekeeper gave me. I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it - I just think that it’s way too girlish for my liking, you know what I mean? No offence to whoever used to live in that room, by the way. I mean, I’m proud to be a girl, but overly girlish stuff just ain’t for me, okay? (pauses) Alright, any positives? Well, the bed feels like a cloud, and I’ve got a good view of the forest from the window… Guess I’ve got no reason to complain!

(End of confessional)

Bridget: (places Roger the teddy bear on the pillow and her yoyo on the bedside table) There you go, boys! I hope this is comfortable!

Roger: (offended) Comfortable! This is a bloody outrage! I am a noble man. I have NO RIGHT to be forced into an overly feminine room like this!

Bridget: Please give it a rest, Roger! I don’t like this room either, yet you don’t see me complaining, do you?

(Roger groans in frustration. Downstairs, Wakiya & Beat are complaining to a British intern with good looks and brown hair)

Wakiya: (annoyed) This is OUTRAGEOUS! A DISGRACE! AN ATROCITY! I demand ACTION!

Beat: Yeah! We must have compensation!

British Intern: (groans with annoyance) Wotcher two mad about now?

Wakiya: (pokes the British intern on the forehead) Think, INTERN! You dropped us off in an all-girls' dormitory, complete with girlish rooms and nothing for us! I will not tolerate such a disrespectful attack on my manhood!

Beat: Me neither!

British Intern: Quit winin', spoiled brats!! The chuffin' femininity ain't that bad - it's just a few rooms. Besides, yer 'ave a girlish ponytail! Yer 'ave no right ter lecture me on gender!

Wakiya: (furious) NOW you’re in for it!

(Wakiya tackles the British Intern. As they fight, Beat walks to the kitchen. Dave is inside cooking up some burgers)

Beat: Hamburgers for lunch?

Dave: (bored) Yep.

Beat: What’s inside?

Dave: The usual. (flips a burger bap) Sawdust in the buns, newspaper clippings and library paste for the patties, and painted solidified mud for cheese.

Beat: (disgusted) Dude, what the fuck? You’re gonna kill us! (spits at the floor)

Dave: (apathetically) Eh. You get what you get. Wait for your lunch like a good customer.

(Dave continues to cook while Beat leaves the kitchen in a sulk. ENA enters the kitchen)

ENA: What’s cooking?

Dave: (bored) My signature Meh Burger. It has the worst things you could expect in a hamburger.

ENA: Hit me with it! I’ve never had a hamburger before, so what’s the worst it could have?

Dave: Sawdust, newspaper clippings, library paste, mud. Sometimes we add rat poison into the baps. Within the legal limit, of course.

ENA: I can eat anything! Give me a Meh Burger and I’ll wolf it all down before you can take a picture!

Dave: (sarcastic) I like your enthusiasm.

CONFESSIONAL - Beat

Beat: Bro, did you hear what Dave puts in his burgers? RAT POISON! On top of the disgusting paper and the superglue he puts in the burgers! EURGH! I would rather die than be force-fed one of these food atrocities! Then again, it's not like he can catch me with the skates I’ve got on!

CONFESSIONAL - ENA

ENA: I like the idea of trying one of Dave’s Meh Burgers! I’ve never heard of newspaper clippings, library paste or rat poison, but I’m sure they’ll taste nice somehow! I can’t wait for lunchtime!

(End of confessionals. Meanwhile, the British Intern kicks Wakiya out of the house and into the garden)

British Intern: AND STAY OUT, MATE!

(Wakiya grumbles to himself as he gets up and steps further into the garden)

Wakiya: Hmph! How rude! No one manhandles the great Wakiya like a… (trips over something) WHOA! (hits his head on the floor) OUCH!

(Wakiya gets up. A black pit made of resin, metal and plastic surrounded by a metal frame base greats him. Two neon blue lines hit each right angle, meeting at the centre. A small neon red line surrounds the centre as an inner ring, while a bigger line is much further away, serving as an outer ring)

Wakiya: (grins) A Beystadium? This is perfect for me! (takes out his Beyblade, Tempest Wyvron, and his launcher) I might begin to like this place after all. (prepares to launch) Let it… RIP!!!

(Wakiya launches Wyvron into the stadium. It bounces onto the outer ring, circles around the inner ring for a bit before settling in the stadium center)

Wakiya: (thinking) Perfect! Just as it’s meant to be. No Bey can withstand Wyvron’s power!

Dave: (walks towards Wakiya holding a Beyblade and a launcher) You look like you need a partner, bro!

Wakiya: Hmph! What do you want, nobody? And where did you get that Bey from?

Dave: I got it in the storage cupboard in the living room. They store a ton of toys and video games in there! (gets ready to launch) I’m ready! Reset your Bey or something!

Wakiya: (haughtily) No need! Wyvron is fine as it is!

Dave: If you say so. Let it RIP! 

(Dave launches his Beyblade into the stadium. It charges towards Wyvron and makes contact - only to Burst into its individual parts almost immediately. Dave gasps with shock and disbelief as his Bey’s parts land on the grass)

Wakiya: See? You’re just a hopeless amateur compared to me. Now beat it!

CONFESSIONAL - Wakiya

Wakiya: This team needs a smart leader who can pick up the track even after every failure. I’m a natural leader who led a worldwide blading team to the semi-finals of the World League. If anything, I’m perfect for the job!

(The confessional ends as Dave runs off. At a fourth dormitory, Super Macho Man’s team are watching him flex his muscles in the living room)

Super Macho Man: (finishes flexing) Thank you for coming to listen to me at this gracious hour! See those pecs? I obtained them from beating up weaklings!

Oldbag: What did you bring us in for?

Strandberg: Mind your manners! The Macho Man is speaking.  

Tetsuya: Yes. Speaking, CRAB!

Super Macho Man: Thank you, Mr Banker. (clears his throat) Anyway, thank you for coming to my ‘Team Leader pitch’!

Poppy: (confused) What is that supposed to mean?

Super Macho Man: (slaps Poppy) What else do you think? It’s my bid to be the team leader! THINK! (pokes Poppy in the forehead)

Poppy: OW! 

Aira: That’s not very nice! Say that you’re sorry!

Super Macho Man: (glares at Poppy) And what are YOU gonna do about it, huh? (Poppy & Aira back down) Good, good! Here’s a girl who knows her place! (clears his throat) Where was I? Ah YES! Making my speech! Make sure you take note of my good points. Oh wait, I ONLY HAVE good points!

CONFESSIONAL - Super Macho Man

Super Macho Man: (flexes his biceps) See this amazing specimen of a masculine man? I'm the strongest, fastest, smartest, richest, most handsome man in the universe! In fact, everyone I meet bows down to me at mere sight! There's no better pick for team leader than me!

(End of confessional)

Super Macho Man: (finishing his speech) And that’s why you must, without hyperbole, elect me as leader of… (notices something) HEY!

(We focus on what Super Macho Man is seeing. Nobody else is paying attention to what he's been saying. Strandberg is standing by the doorway, taking a phone call. Tetsuya & Oldbag are in the hallway, with Tetsuya harassing an intern while Oldbag is angrily ranting about the ‘good old days’ to another. Poppy & Aira are still in the living room, gossiping. Super Macho Man's face turns red with anger)

Super Macho Man: PAY ATTENTION!!! 

(Everyone else falls over out of being completely startled. They run back to the living room)

Oldbag: How rude! Back in my day…

Super Macho Man: SHUT UP!

Tetsuya: Hey, crab? Why did you have to yell, crabby crab? You hurt my ears, crab crab!

Super Macho Man: Do I look like I care? (to the others) What the fuck was so important as to leave mid-speech?

Strandberg: Something came up with my business ventures, so I had to take the call. You wouldn’t interfere in a businessman’s business, wouldn’t you?

Super Macho Man: (reluctantly) Not at all.

CONFESSIONAL - Strandberg

Strandberg: Super Macho Man is a fool. He’s a grandiose, self-conceited dunce who spends his time stroking his hubris instead of doing any work. While the rest of us were getting down to business, he was writing political speeches nobody would listen to anyway. I can’t beat him in a fair fight, but I can rule this team through him. If that doesn’t work, I can always rig the votes.

(End of confessional)

Poppy: (to Super Macho Man) Come on, please! Could you please give us some free time? We’ve been at this ever since we came here, and…

Super Macho Man: NO! 

(Super Macho Man’s shout knocks everyone but Strandberg to the floor. He glares at a nervous Poppy)

Super Macho Man: Everyone is staying to listen to my speech, and THAT’S FINAL!

(Back at the docks, Chris is talking to Chef Hatchet and a producer)

Producer: The ratings are in, and we’re in for yet another fabulous day of work! (points at Chris & Chef Hatchet) And it’s thanks to you two!

Chris: (trying to act cool) No need to thank me, fellas! Just doing a job that I get a kick out of! 

(Hatchet grins and nods in agreement)

Producer: Keep up the good work! (glares at Chris & Chef Hatchet) You’d better do, or I’ll send you both to the Dark Nebula! Am I clear?

Chris: (nervously) Uhh… Sir, yes sir!

Chef: We’ll do our best, sir!

Producer: You’d better do! (jumps into this jeep and drives off) I WANT RESULTS!!!

Chef: Chris, I have a question to ask.

Chris: What could it be?

Chef: We’ve brought in some incredibly strong campers for this season. I’m talking about firebenders, transforming heroes, boxers, gods, vampires, and everything in between! How do you plan on keeping them in check?

Chris: I’m glad you asked! (turns around and whistles) Guys! Get over here!

(Chef Hatchet turns to face the same direction as Chris. Standing in front of them are four individuals. The first is a man in a grey & purple armoured battlesuit with a beetle motif. The second individual is a Perfect-level Demon Man Digimon resembling an assassin wrapped in white, wielding a serrated blood-red tanto. Person No.3 is a female witch in black lightning-themed garb and yellow shoulder-length hair, holding a spear. The last one can only be described as a giant red Chinese puppet with a cape, a viper-shaped torso with fangs, and no head. He is holding a pair of swords)

Chef: (confused) Who are they?

Chris: Chef Hatchet, I’d like you to meet… (gestures at the new arrivals) The SUPERHUMAN CONTROL SQUAD! (points at the assassin Digimon) Baalmon, the deadly assassin. (points at the witch) Zan Partizanne, the lightning wizard! (points at the giant puppet) Hong Yue, the killer puppet! And finally, the team captain… (points at the armoured man) the legendary mercenary known only as THE BEETLE!

(The Superhuman Control Squad stand tall, farming all the aura they can get for a first appearance. Meanwhile, the campers have already finished their home tours and are now exploring the island. Emma is taking a slow walk across the garden, singing a quiet song to herself while admiring the flowers, having a feel for the tree bark, etc. Her singing resembles something out of Take That, with an Adagio tempo, a sweet & melodic tune, as well as a general calm vibe similar to Pocahontas)

Emma: So bloom, bloom and share your sweet perfume… (stops singing as she senses someone behind her) Huh? (turns around) Oh! Hey, Hiro…

Hiro: (laughs nervously) Heh heh heh! Hi, Emma! What were you singing?

Emma: The song that Mum used to teach me since I was a toddler. Singing it to the flowering plants helps remind me of her.

Hiro: (pinches his chin) Reminds me of… (takes a deep breath as he realises something) Does that mean she’s…

Emma: (nods sadly) Yeah. (picks up a tulip from the ground)

Hiro: What is that?

Emma: The sight of these beautiful flowers warms my heart, but this is my personal favourite. (shows Hiro the tulip) Meet the tulip!

Hiro: Well… it certainly is quite the sight. Do you know where the others are? I left early, so I didn’t catch up with them.

Emma: Gentaro’s still at home discussing some things with Kengo. I don’t know what they are, but I’m sure they’re talking about something good. Bree is taking a hike in the forest, Amy went to the mall, and I believe Bert is at the park as well!

Hiro: Thanks! I’ll go look for him!

(Hiro runs off in the opposite direction of Emma, going further through the park. He passes a fountain, a series of trees and a playground before making his way to an outdoor skate park to his right. He goes through the gate to find Beefy Bert, Beat, and Oldbag enjoying themselves. Beat is attempting to teach the other two how to use roller skates as the other two have their shaky lessons)

Beat: Now remember, keeping your balance is the most important thing when it comes to all forms of skating! You have to strike a middle ground with your grip to the floor, otherwise you’ll slip and fall! Did any of you catch what I said?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno! (slips and falls)

Oldbag: You could have said this a while ago! (falls on her face) OUCH!

CONFESSIONAL - Beat

Beat: I admit, learning how to roller skate isn’t easy. I had some shaky starts myself when I started doing it for the first time. But these two are so amateurish that they make it seem like the most impossible task in the world! How dare they sully and slander the good name of skating!

(End of confessional)

Beat: (to himself) How are these two clowns still struggling? I’ve gone over the basics with them more times than I can count, and they still can’t grasp it! (to his inept students) Don’t try to speed up more than necessary! You’ll only get injured if you do!

Oldbag: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks!

Beat: (sees Hiro) Hey, Hiro! Glad you came! Care to try some roller skating?

Hiro: Actually, I came here to look for Bert…

Beat: Never mind that! (thrusts some roller skates onto Hiro) Why don’t you go out there and show these fools how it's done?

Hiro: (scratches his head) I don’t actually know how to…

Beat: Never mind that! (forces a cycling helmet on Hiro's head) You look like a natural compared to these two. Come on! It won't hurt to give it a try!

Hiro: (reluctantly) Uhhh… Sure!

(We fast-forward two minutes to find Hiro in the middle of the restaurant, wearing the same pair of roller skates Beat forced on him not too long ago. He is trying his best to maintain his balance)

Beat: Steady, easy does it… (as Hiro continues to struggle) Getting your balance while standing is the tricky part! Keep it together! (thinking) If I see another failed skater…

Hiro: (while trying to balance) Don’t worry about me! I’ll get used to this! I’m a fast learner! (stands upright) Ain’t I?

(Beat stares at Hiro, completely shocked)

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Oldbag: (awkwardly) Well, we’ve only known each other for a few hours, so I don’t know if I can back your outlandish claim…

Beat: (to Hiro) You’re an instant expert! Try using one of the ramps!

Hiro: Okay!

(Hiro steadily and shakily skates his way towards one of the half-pipe ramps in the middle of the skate park. He goes up one end… and immediately falls backwards upon reaching the top, hitting his head on the concrete)

Hiro: OUCH!

Beat, Beefy Bert & Oldbag: (winces) Ow… Oh man… That’s gotta hurt…

Hiro: (gets up, removes his helmet and rubs his head) Sorry… 

Beat: (shrugs) Eh! No need! Should’ve figured this was way above your pay grade. (thinking) Could be worse. He could’ve tripped and fallen like these two before he even got going.

(Hiro groans. We make our way further to the East, where we see a huge shopping complex amidst some paths in a meadow. Don’t question why there’s a shopping mall on a distant island, just roll with it like you’ve been doing with the modern houses and the park. Inside is Serena, having a look at everything that’s on offer. She is geeking out inside a Pokémon merchandise store)

Serena: (admiring all the Poké Balls, action figures & plushies behind the window) OH MY GOSH! SO COOL!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL THE STUFF THEY’VE GOT IN STORE! (runs over to an aisle and grabs a Braixen action figure) WOW!! They even have figures of MY POKEMON! AMAZING! I wonder how famous I am in this world? (sees a big Panchum plushie hanging by the counter) Huh? (runs over to the counter) It looks like HEAVEN! I wonder how much it is?

Shopkeeper: That’ll be $40, please.

Serena: (shocked) EHH?? THAT MUCH?! (sighs) Guess I do kinda want it… (gives the shopkeeper the money) Here you go.

(The shopkeeper places the money in the cashier. A few minutes later, we see Serena walking across the mall, hugging the Panchum plushie as she does so)

Serena: Aww! So cute! (nuzzles her cheek against the Pancham plushie’s cheek) I knew I was right in buying you!

CONFESSIONAL - Serena

Serena: (holding the Pancham pushing on her lap) I… I'm still lost for words to describe how excited I was at the time! If this is all part of a good dream, please don't wake me up!

(The confessional ends as we return our focus to Serena joyfully skipping across the mall. She notices, from the upper tip of her eye, a familiar face walking on the floor above)

Serena: Huh? (looks up at where she saw the familiar face) Was that… Aira?

(Serena makes her way to the stairs leading to the first floor. Up there, we see Aira at a clothes shop, looking a bit… deflated. She is looking at some poorly decorated mannequins)

Aira: (disappointed) Well, these mannequins look cute, but something feels off about them. (inspects a mannequin) This skirt doesn’t go well with this t-shirt. (goes to another mannequin) And this one is completely unbalanced… (smiles) I GOT IT! 

(Aira grabs some clothes from the aisles. She starts using them to redecorate the mannequins, just as Serena arrives)

Serena: (thinking) Hmm? What is she…

Aira: (places a brown leather jacket on Mannequin 1) This jacket would go much better with this skirt… (replaces the clothes on Mannequin 2 with a white cardigan and a red polka-dot skirt) And these two have MUCH better chemistry! (puts red boots on Mannequin 2) These boots look super lovely! (puts a frilly dress on Mannequin 3 and a pink crop top & green jeans on Mannequin 4) And just a few changes there, there, and THERE! (jumps for joy) WOOHOO! THEY’RE PERFECT!!!

(We get a closer look at the newly redecorated mannequins. They are now sparkling with absolute beauty, or in Aira’s eyes, joy. Overall, a much-needed improvement compared to before. Serena is just outside the clothes shop, staring in disbelief at what she’s just witnessed)

Serena: Oh my gosh!!

Aira: (proudly) And my Pretty Remake is all done!

Serena: Erm, excuse me?

Aira: (panics while her upper face turns blue) AAHHH! SORRY! I’m SORRY! (sees the one who spoke to her and calms down) Phew! It’s just you. Hey, Serena! I don’t know if you know, but I’m Aira.

Serena: (smiles) A pleasure to meet you! Properly, I mean.

CONFESSIONAL - Aira

Aira: I love clothes, you know? Like, I really do! I can’t help but get all warm & fuzzy inside whenever I’m around them or when they get brought up in conversation! Oh, that brings me back to before I became a Prism Star! One time, I was in a clothes store admiring everything they had to offer, but the mannequins looked so off-putting! So I did the natural thing in redecorating them! You should’ve been there; they were sparkling with joy! But then that mean old shopkeeper told me off and chased me away! It was so scary! I thought the same thing was gonna happen again today! Thank goodness it was just Serena…

(End of confessional)

Serena: So, do you mind explaining what you were doing just now?

Aira: (nervously) Uhh, nothing much, really! Just changing the clothes around the mannequins, that’s all! I thought they’d look better with a new look!

Serena: What are you getting worried about? You were right! They DO look better! (she and Aira look at the mannequins) They’re so good, they’re shining!

(The aforementioned mannequins are shining brightly. Not metaphorically. They literally ARE shining)

Aira: (beaming) Aww! Thank you! That means a lot! Last time I did this, they chased me off! (glances at Serena) Hey, I know! Why don’t we give each other Pretty Remakes too?

Serena: (confused) Huh? Me? 

Aira: Yeah! C’mon, it’ll be fun! Just think about it: you and me, trying on clothes and seeing whose sense of style is better! (takes Serena’s hand) Let’s go!

Serena: (slightly befuddled) I don’t think that’s… (as Aira drags her to the changing room) HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! AIIIIRAAAA!!!!

(Aira grabs some clothes as she takes Serena into one of the changing rooms. Hiding inside a pair of jeans, unbeknownst to everybody, is Mineta. He pops out of his hiding place and makes his way to the changing room)

Mineta: (thinking) Two cute hotties are gonna strip naked in the name of changing clothes, and I’ve got front row tickets! I must be in paradise! (lies down in front of the changing room, with full view of the girls’ legs) Come to papa!

Aira: (notices Mineta’s shadow) Huh? (sees Mineta spying on them) AAAAHHHHHH!!! 

Serena: (sees Mineta) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Aira: (opens the door with anger) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, YOU PERVERT? LEAVE US ALONE!!! (kicks Mineta into the stratosphere)

Mineta: I’M BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!

(Mineta disappears into the sky as a shining star. Ten minutes later, we see Aira & Serena exiting the changing room. Serena has changed to her initial appearance at the start of the XY Anime, including her hair. Yes, you can swap hairstyles in this shop. I’ll go over the basics in a future Episode. Aira, on the other hand, is wearing a black ribbon-knit hat, a black leather punk jacket over a purple vest, a pink skirt with star patterns, and black stockings with matching boots. Both girls go to a mirror to admire themselves as well as each other)

Aira: OH WOW! We both look SO GOOD! (gushes over Serena’s outfit) That hat complements your skirt very well! And those stockings look so cute with those boots! And that hair… OH MY! You’re a real fashionista!

Serena: And you’re not too bad yourself! You look incredibly cute in that hat!

Aira: (blushes) Thank you!

Serena: What can I say? I’m a bit of a fashionista myself! (notices a heart-shaped pendant around Aira’s neck) Hey, uh… could I ask you a question?

(Aira smiles and tilts her head out of curiosity)

Serena: What’s with the pendant? Is there something interesting inside?

Aira: Huh? You mean that? (takes off her pendant) That’s a special necklace I received from MARs!

Serena: (confused) Mars?

Aira: Yes, MARs! Mion-sama, me, and Rizumu-chan! That’s us, the premier Prism Show girl group! 

(Aira opens the pendant and shows it to Serena. Inside is a small photo of three girls posing onstage for a picture, with Aira in the middle. To the left of her is a girl with short yellow hair and a red dress, and to her right is another girl with chest-length orange hair and a blue sailor uniform)

Serena: You two seem very close.

Aira: (happily) Hell yeah, we are! Even after we went our separate ways, we’re still the best of friends! This pendant helps remind me of them when I’m down!

(Serena smiles at the thought of Aira having such wonderful friends back home. Just then, Poppy enters the clothes shop)

Poppy: (astonished) OH MY! You two look like completely different people!

Aira: (turns around and sees Poppy) Oh! Hi, Poppy! How lucky of us to have you stop by! (hands Poppy some sunglasses) Hey, hey, why don’t you change as well? We can judge our differing outfits together!

Poppy: (with uncertainty) Uhh… sure thing!

CONFESSIONAL - Serena

Serena: I think Aira, Poppy and I are gonna get along incredibly well! Next up is my teammate, Sayaka!

(The confessional ends as Poppy grabs some clothes and rushes to the changing rooms. Meanwhile, Sayaka walks by the store)

Serena: (sees Sayaka) Hey! Sayaka! Come join us!

(Sayaka reluctantly shakes her head before continuing her way. Back downstairs, close to the entrance, is a wide gym filled with weight machines, weightlifting stations, treadmills, indoor bike/elliptical/rowing machines, and a boxing ring in the centre. Sly, Wakiya, Dave, Amy, Tetsuya & Luke are using various machines to exceed the limits of their muscles. Super Macho Man is in the ring, preparing to give Paya the KO treatment)

Super Macho Man: Release the BEEAST!!! (hits Paya with a spinning left uppercut)

Paya: OUCH! (falls to the canvas)

Super Macho Man: One, two, ten! The winner is me! (flexes his butt and his chest muscles) I’m splendid! I’m wonderful! I’m Super! Macho!! MAN!!! (hears boos from the others) WHAT?

Wakiya: (lifting a dumbbell) BOO! You call this a boxing match? I’ve seen grandfathers do harder punches than you!

Sly: (on the treadmill) That was barely even a fight! BOO!

Luke: (sitting on a bench) You should be ashamed of your dishonour! This is no way to treat an old lady!

Paya: I AM NOT AN OLD LADY! (falls unconscious)

Amy: (standing by the wall) Yeah, what he said! YOU SUCK!

Tetsuya: (standing by ring) Crabby! That was so lame, crab! I could do better with those two pincers, crabby crab! BOO, CRAB!

Dave: You’re the worst boxer ever!

(All the other contestants but Paya laugh at Super Macho Man. The Hollywood Trump’s face turns red with fury)

Super Macho Man: (screams with rage) HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE GREAT SUPER MACHO MAN! NOBODY MOCKS THE STRONGEST BOXER OF ALL TIME! NOBODY!! (bangs the ropes) If you’re so smart and tough, you WILL fight me in the ring RIGHT NOW!!!

Wakiya: I’ll be more than happy to humour you!

(We move a few minutes later to see Wakiya, Luke, Dave, Tetsuya, Amy & Sly in the ring, wearing purple, red, green, pink & black boxing gloves, respectively. Super Macho Man is facing them on the opposite side of the ring)

Super Macho Man: Are you ready? Cos’ I’m gonna put on a show! (moves his nipple muscles around)

Sly: This will be as easy as stealing candy from a baby!

Dave: Once I beat you, I’ll be the most villainous boxer ever!

(Super Macho Man, growls, unnerving Sly. We next move to the gym entrance, where we see Dave, Sly, Amy & Tetsuya flying out of the gym, in that order. They crash into a pillar, falling into a pileup. Azula passes by, shaking her head as she does so)

Sly: Fuck! This guy’s tough!

Tetsuya: Tough as a crab’s shell, crabby crab!

Amy: (rudely) What an understatement! He’s invincible!

Azula: (thinking) What a bunch of idiots.

(Back inside the gym are Wakiya & Luke, the only two left standing against Super Macho Man. The two campers nod at each other and throw a jab at their opponent simultaneously. The latter catches their punches with a single hand before pushing both of their arms back. He then grabs Wakiya before tossing him out of the gym. Finally, he flexes for the nonexistent audience before hitting Luke with a clothesline, knocking him down for the count)

Super Macho Man: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! KNOCKOUT! HAH HAH HAH!!!

(The intercoms bleep to life as Chris chimes in)

Chris: (via intercom) ATTENTION ALL CAMPERS! I don’t know what you’re up to at this hour, but please come to the beach this instant! The first challenge is about to begin, so get your butts there pretty quick! And be sure to grab your swimwear! This is Chris McLean, signing out!

(Super Macho Man groans. Meanwhile, Chris & Chef Hatchet are soaking in the afternoon sun at the beach, waiting for the campers to come. Chris has a miniature microphone attached to his shirt collar)

Chris: That’s one way to get everyone’s attention! (taps the microphone) This microphone is attached to all the intercoms on this island, so everybody can hear my beautiful voice for miles! (kisses the microphone)

Hatchet: You do realise it’s still on?

Chris: What? (says some gibberish into the microphone, hears his speech on the intercom, and turns off the microphone) Ooops! Don’t let anyone else find out!

Hatchet: The producers asked me to ask this for them, but why didn’t you demolish all the buildings already present? They’re too damn luxurious for the campers!

Chris: I couldn’t! It was part of the small text in the contract I had Fez sign when I had him give the island to me! I didn’t even notice he added it in there until the day after I signed it! That just means any torment we put on the campers will be exclusive to the challenges!

(Chef Hatchet grins to himself)

Chris: HERE THEY COME! 

(Chris points to the campers arriving at the beach. Everyone but Super Macho Man are in swimwear)

ENA: It’s almost ready! I’m kinda excited!

Oldbag: すべてが謎すぎる。あの若造どもは私たちに何をさせるんだろう？[It's all so mysterious. What are those whippersnappers going to have us do?]

Hiro: わからないよ！でも、すごく楽しみだよ！[I don't know! But I'm really looking forward to it!]

Gentaro: 心を込めて頑張ります！[I’ll put more than my heart into it!] (pumps his chest) ここです！[Right here!]

Mineta: (thinking) Everyone is in swimsuits! Oh, I couldn’t ask for better fan service! I feel like licking one of those pretty girls and… (trips over a crab) WHOAH!!! (falls facefirst in the sand) OUCH!

Chris: Welcome back to the beach, campers! In a few minutes, you’ll be taking on your first challenge!

Dave: What kind of challenge?

Chris: In the first-ever Episode of Total Drama, we had campers cliffdive from a thousand meters into a lake. Today, we’re doing something slightly different.

Mineta: (nervously) Something… different?

(Chris nods. Just then, loud sounds can be heard from up above. Everyone looks up to find five helicopters over their heads. The first is TD’s signature red round chopper, but the other four are military-grade transport choppers similar to the Chinooks in Pahkitew Island. They land in a circle, not too far from the campers. One housekeeper and one member of the SCS can be inside each chopper)

Hatchet: (whispering to Chris) You hired pilots?

Chris: (whispering to Chef Hatchet) Nope! I hired local gangsters! They’re cheaper than real pilots, and I need the interns for testing challenges!

Beat: Dudes! What are we up to today?

Chris: (out loud) Oh! I nearly forgot about that! In this challenge, you’ll be transported one thousand meters above sea level by these helicopters. They will then take you to the ocean. Once they’re in position, you will dive all the way down to a goal post in the water. You should be able to see it since it’s a ring made of lifebuoys. For each camper who jumps, their team receives a point. The team that has the most campers jump is the winner!

Hatchet: But before we do that, it’s time to decide team names! Get into your teams and confer over what to call yourselves!

(The campers get into their teams and discuss amongst themselves. First, we focus on Serena’s team)

Luke: Listen up, everyone! Before I tell you what I’ve got in mind, I’d like to know your ideas. Please share them! Mineta?

Mineta: (nervously) I don’t have anything, to be honest…

(Everyone else on the team groan)

Luke: (under his breath) Worst wingman ever. (to Sayaka) Do you have anything?

Sayaka: (nervously) W-w-w-what if w-w-we used our first name i-i-i-initials?

Serena: (pinches her chin as she mulls over it) L M P S S S? (realises) LAMPS! I love that idea!

Luke: (nods in approval) I’ll keep that in mind. Next!

Sly: How about we name ourselves something that’ll make the enemy tremble in fear? Like the ‘Pilfering Pirates’?

(Everyone else shakes their heads since they’re all law-abiding citizens)

Paya: (raises her hand) Uhh…how about we go for ‘Island Ninjas’?

Serena: (excited) I KNOW! I KNOW! How about we name ourselves after a dessert? Everyone LOVES dessert! Something like… (snaps her fingers) TA-DAH! The ‘Perfect Parfaits’! Wouldn’t that be perfect?

Luke: And here’s my idea: The Fifth Cohort! Ever since I was young, I’ve been raised the Greek way. I even spent time in Ancient Greek-themed summer camps! As such, I’d be the perfect person to run the team. Anyone else wanna make their leader pitches?

(Silence)

Luke: Okay then. Now that we’ve figured out the final nominations for team names, let’s vote! Hands up for LMPSSS? (one person raises their hand) The Fifth Cohort? (two people raise their hands) Perfect Parfaits? (one person raises their hand) It’s decided! The Fifth Cohort it is!

(Over at Aira’s team, Super Macho Man is dominating the conversation)

Tetsuya: Now, I suggest…

Super Macho Man: (demeaningly) I don’t want to hear your suggestion! Don't tell me your suggestions! I want you to sit down, shut up and stop driving me crazy!

Aira: But we need other people's opinions for…

Super Macho Man: (assertively, scares Aira) NO WE DON'T! Me, I'm the only one that matters! And I propose we call ourselves ‘Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men!’

Oldbag: Actually, calling ourselves ‘The Hollywood Heroes’ would get your point across just as well while not being as tough on the tongue…

Super Macho Man: Hey! Who asked for your opinion?

Oldbag: But…

Strandberg: I'm with the old man. (thinking) If only to get in his good graces.

Super Macho Man: This team will be called ‘Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men’ and that's final! Anyone who objects will answer to my boxing gloves!

(Aira, Tetsuya, Poppy & Oldbag nervously nod. We focus on Azula’s team as they debate on what to call themselves)

Dave: We should totally call ourselves ‘The New Lightning Bolt Society’!

Beat: No! Our name is ‘The GGs’!

Bridget: I think a much better name would be…

Wakiya: (abruptly) This pointless conversation is over! As the most senior member of the team, I propose we call ourselves ‘The Deviant Dragons'! It's a bold name, a bright name, a… (notices Azula behind him with a fireball close to his head) GAH!

Azula: (smugly) Everyone knows that dragons always die at the end of their stories. If you name us after a dragon, you might as well call us Team Suicide. (glares at Wakiya) You wouldn’t a ‘suicide’ to happen to this team, wouldn’t you?

Wakiya: If you’re so damn high and mighty, think of a name yourself!

Azula: (gives Wakiya a slight electric shock) Gladly! I hereby christen this alliance as ‘Azula’s Wrath!’ (ignites both palms as she stares at her teammates) Now, those who object to my proposal, please raise your hands! Does anyone have any objections?

(No one raises their hand out of fear of Azula killing them. Not even Wakiya has the guts)

Azula: Nobody? (grins as she extinguishes her hands) Then I declared our team name to be ‘Azula’s Wrath’ by a unanimous vote!

ENA: NOOOO!!!! (gets jolted for her troubles)

CONFESSIONAL - Azula

Azula: I’ve said it before, but there is no better way of keeping everyone in line than fear. Fear is what makes the world go round. Fear is everything. Those who believe in this so-called power of friendship can die on the same hill as their half-baked ideology! Did you not see how easily I control Azula’s Wrath!

CONFESSIONAL - Bridget

Bridget: Okay… I admit… Azula’s kinda scary. I can’t believe I thought we’d be friends!

CONFESSIONAL - Wakiya

Wakiya: I should be the leader of this team! Not some wannabe dictator with fake royal robes! Monarchies are SO old school! And no, the Japanese Emperor doesn’t count! If Azula thinks she can act like a control freak, she’s got another thing coming! Once I figure out a way not to get killed.

(The confessionals end as we shift focus to Gentaro’s team)

Amy: (annoyed) I don’t believe it! We’ve only just formed, and you made Gentaro the leader without asking or informing any of us? He can’t even speak English!

Emma: I’ve got issues with the wording, but Amy does raise a point. The obvious language barrier will be a major detriment to any future teamwork, and we can’t rely on a translator forever. It’s too tedious.

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno Japanese.

Gentaro: (to Hiro) 彼らは何について話しているのですか? [What are they talking about?]

Hiro: (to Gentaro) 心配しないでください！私が対応します。[Don’t worry! Lemme handle this.] (to the others) Gentaro-san’s one of the few people on this team who speaks Japanese. Yes, that is a detriment, but that means better communication with our genius housekeeper! They were already acquainted before today, so we’ve got a better chance of getting him to give us strategies for each challenge!

(Kengo, who is standing by one of the helicopters, puts his thumb up)

Amy: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Bree: He’s saying that with Gentaro as our negotiator, we can get Kengo on our side more easily and frequently.

Amy: But what does that have to do with…

Hiro: (passionately) It’s a winning strategy! Alright, who’s with me? Raise your hand if you are!

(Bree, Beefy Bert & Emma raise their hands)

Amy: (confidently) HAH! It’s an even score! Your proposal won’t come to fruition after all!

Hatchet: Actually, it’s 3 to 1!

Amy: (shocked) WHAT? Where did YOU come from?

Hatchet: Gentaro isn’t part of the vote because it’s about him. Hiro isn’t included because everyone knows those who propose a vote don’t participate in them!

Amy: But wouldn’t that mean… (realises) FUCK!!!

Hatchet: And there we have it! Multiversal Kamen Rider Club it is!

Amy: Huh? When did we…

Hatchet: Hiro told me his team name idea while you were still discussing. Now that he's won the vote, it's official!

(Gentaro grins)

Hatchet: CHRIS! The team names are decided!

Chris: Good, good! What are they?

Hatchet: We have… (points at Azula’s team) Azula’s Wrath. (points at Luke’s team) The Fifth Cohort. (points at Super Macho Man’s team) Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men! And finally… (points at Gentaro’s team) The Multiversal Kamen Rider Club!

Chris: Thank you! And now, we can begin the first challenge!

Wakiya: Hold it! You didn't say what we were going to do for the challenge!

Chris: Yes I did! I said we'd be jumping from a helicopter a thousand meters above sea level, into a floating ring of buoys!

Wakiya: Hah! This would be easy. (eyes widen with fright as he realises something) DID YOU SAY A THOUSAND METERS???!!!

(We zoom out away from the island as Wakiya freaks out. We next see the four teams high in the air inside the transport helicopters, which are hovering 1Km above the ocean. Chris and Chef Hatchet are in their orange chopper. Beetle is with Luke’s team. Zan Partizanne is with Azula’s team. Baalmon is with Super Macho Man’s team, and Hong Yue is with Gentaro’s team. Wakiya is strapped tightly to his seat, shivering harder than a naked man in the Arctic)

Wakiya: N-n-n-n-n-n-NO WAY! I AM NOT DOING THIS! NOT A CHANCE I’M GOING!

CONFESSIONAL - Beat

Beat: Who would’ve thought that my man Wakiya would be so scared of heights!

CONFESSIONAL - Bridget

Bridget: Guess I can’t invite him for skydiving anymore.

(The confessionals end. Zan Partizanne sighs. Meanwhile, Mineta is in another chopper, jumping up and down. His teammates are watching with disappointment. The Beetle is also watching)

Mineta: NOWAYNOWAYNOWAY! THIS IS TOO MUCH! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THIS KIND OF THING!

(Beetle shakes his head before pointing outside)

Mineta: NO YOU CAN’T! COS’ IF YOU DO… I’LL USE MY GRAPE RUSH!!!

(Mineta tosses his Pop Off Spheres at Beetle. The latter simply shoots them apart with energy beams from his gauntlets before downing Mineta with a crotch punch. Mineta rolls around on the floor, crying in pain. Beetle glares at the others, forcing them to back away)

Chris: (via megaphone) Thank you! (clears his throat) Campers, it’s almost time for the first challenge! (points below) You see that ring of buoys in the distance? That’s the safespot you’re meant to be aiming for! Everything else? Not so safe! You wanna know why?

Paya: (nervously) Uhh… why?

Chris: Because I added in a few sharks and crocodiles to spice things up! Man-eating sharks and crocodiles, I might add!

Every Camper: WHAAAATTT??!!

Tetsuya: CrabbaWHAT?!

Hatchet: Was adding predators necessary?

Chris: Look at you, being a killjoy! It’s called popularity! (clears his throat) Alright, who’s up first? (nobody raises their hands) No one? In that case, I’ll decide! (points at the helicopter transporting Azula’s Wrath) You’re first!

(Azula grins confidently) 

Zan Partizanne: You heard the man! Get going and show us a dive! 

Azula: Does anyone mind if I go first?

Wakiya: (still frightened, hiding behind Bridget) Go ahead! I’ll be waiting for you at ground level!

Azula: (faux playful tone) Go do you, Wakiya!

(Azula steps towards the edge of the helicopter. She frontflips several times in the air before elegantly diving towards the water, landing without much of a splash. She emerges as everyone else claps, cheers and gives her all sorts of praise)

Hatchet: (pleased) Now THAT’S what I call a dive! Let this be an example we can all follow! (applauds)

Azula: (steps onto a buoy and bows) Too easy! Let’s see if any of you can match perfection! (climbs into an awaiting boat)

Chris: Azula is the first camper to complete the challenge! Who’s next?

(We get a quick montage of the rest of Azula’s teammates taking the plunge. Bridget removes her hood as she emerges from the big blue. Dave accidentally hits his crotch against the water while diving, but still manages to land in the safe zone)

Beat: (emerges after his dive) Aw man! Dude! I’ve got saltwater in my rollerskates!

Hatchet: Then why did you go diving in them?

(Beat does not answer, as he is too busy getting into the boat that serves to pick up divers. Back inside the helicopter, Wakiya is still shivering in fear as he hides behind ENA, just behind the edge of the chopper)

British Intern: (whisperings to Zan Partizanne) Can yer believe it, right, mate? This rich fuck's scared of a few 'eights! Blimey! This is way too fun! It must be me birffday or sumfink!

Zan Partizanne: (whispering to the intern) I know, huh? This puts all comedy shows to shame!

Wakiya: (still scared) What are you two talking about? You better not be laughing at my expense!

British Intern: As a matter of fact, right, yes we are! Yor cowardice is bloody comical!

Wakiya: (furious) HOW DARE YOU! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS ONCE WE’RE DONE!

ENA: Don’t listen to them! Just remember not to look down and not worry about the sharks!

Wakiya: (back to being scared) THANKS FOR NOTHING! NOW THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA BE WORRYING ABOUT!!!

Chris: Hey! Wakiya! Here’s a heads up I forgot to say, but anyone who refuses to jump must wear a chicken hat for the rest of the day! Get it? Because you’re chicken!

Wakiya: I’LL TAKE A SILLY HAT OVER THIS MONSTROSITY OF A CHALLENGE ANY DAY!!!

British Intern: Glad we can finally agree on sumfink! Oi!

ENA: (to Wakiya) Don’t worry about it! This challenge is safe! It has to be! The show has interns they use to test each challenge, remember?

(We get a flashback to half an hour ago. A singular chopper is hovering 1Km above the ocean, with Chris and an intern looking down through the passenger side)

Chris: Listen here, intern! I know you're new around here, but the rest of my interns are either in the hospital or busy with non-intern business. All you need to do is jump into the buoy ring to prove this challenge is safe. Got it?

(We go down to sea level. A shark and a crocodile emerge from the surface. The shark uses its pectoral fin to gesture towards its mouth, while the crocodile grins a toothy grin)

Chris: What are you waiting for? JUMP!

(The intern reluctantly jumps from the chopper. Chris winces as splashing sounds are heard, followed by sounds of screaming and chomping)

Chris: (shrugs) Eh. It's safe enough.

(The flashback ends as Wakiya and ENA continue to overlook the sea)

ENA: You'll be fine! Just remember to be the sea!

Wakiya: EEEYAAAHHH! I DON’T EVEN WANNA TOUCH THE SEA! THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA BE THE SEA!

Zan Partizanne: (sighs) This is getting boring. Let's get this over with! 

(Zan Partizanne pokes Wakiya in the butt with her spear, causing him to lose balance and fall off the helicopter)

Wakiya: (screams like a little girl as he falls) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! I'LL COME UP THERE AND GET YOU, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO! I CAN ALREADY SEE THE HEADLINES: HANDSOME RICH BOY DIES AT SEA. LOVESTRUCK GIRLS EVERYWHERE DIE FROM HEARTBREAK!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH! I CAN ALREADY SEE MY LIFE FLASHING BEFORE MY… (splashes into the safe zone)

Chris: Finally! I didn’t think you had it in you!

Wakiya: (floats to the surface) I'm tapping out! This is my limit!

(The intern operating the boat grabs Wakiya and drags him onto the boat, just as ENA makes a splashdown. He reaches out and grabs her too before returning to shore)

Chris: With all members down and an impressive dive from their leader, Azula’s Wrath is the first team to complete the challenge! Here’s hoping the others will follow their example!

Hatchet: (points at another chopper) Fifth Cohort! You’re up next!

(Beetle aims his gauntlet at the team, perhaps threatening to shoot them if they don’t jump)

Sayaka: (nervously) Do we really need to?

Luke: (disgusted at Beetle) Pfft. We don’t have a choice thanks to him. Here I go!

(Luke roars out a Greek battle cry as he jumps from the chopper. Serena & Sly quickly follow suit. The three contestants land in the safe zone, just within reach of the boat. Back up the chopper, Paya, Mineta & Sayaka remain hesitant)

Mineta: NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! I AM NOT DOING THIS!

Paya: I-I-I-I-It’s so h-h-h-h-high! I’ve never been up this high b-b-b-before! I’m not sure if I can…

Emma: (shouting from her team's chopper) HEY! Don’t think about it! Just take a deep breath, close your eyes, and it’ll be over! You can do this!

Paya: (hands her hat to the Green Jacket Intern) Hold on to this, could you?

Green Jacket Intern: (grabs the hat) Do what you want.

(Paya closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and jumps. She hits her head on one of the buoys, but still manages to get into the safe zone. Mineta & Sayaka watch as the boat picks her up)

Mineta: If only I had courage like Paya…

(Sayaka continues to stare into the deep blue. Dark flashbacks begin flooding her mind as she recalls the moment of her death during Hope's Peak Academy's Killing Game. She staggers back towards the opposite side of the chopper, terrified)

Sayaka: No! NO! I’M NOT GOING BACK THERE! NO!!!!

Green Jacket Intern: Fear of death, I take it?

(Sayaka nods)

Mineta: ME TOO! I’M NOT DOING IT! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!!!

(Beetle & the Green Jacket Intern stare at Mineta & Sayaka. Minutes later, the helicopter returns to the island. Sayaka & Mineta step onto the beach wearing chicken hats, looking absolutely humiliated)

Beetle: Cowards.

Chris: (from his chopper) Sayaka and Mineta refused to jump, and they’ll be wearing chicken hats for the entire day! This will happen to you if you choose to be cowards! Who’s next? (points at Super Macho Man’s chopper) It’s your turn, Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men! God, that is the worst team name ever!

(Super Macho Man’s team prepares to jump. Super Macho Man takes to the very edge of the passenger area)

Super Macho Man: (showboating) Are you ready? Cos’ I’m gonna put on a show!

(Super Macho Man flexes his biceps, leg muscles and his nipples as he jumps off the chopper. He continues to flex his muscles as he falls towards the sea - only to fall straight through and get stuck in one of the buoys)

Hatchet: (shouts through the megaphone) Get out of my life buoy, and return to the beach!

(Super Macho Man swims back to the island, with the sharks and crocs in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, Oldbag, Strandberg & Poppy take their turns taking the plunge, in that order. All three land in the safe zone. This leaves Aira & Tetsuya left)

Tetsuya: No, crab! I’m not diving down! This crabby crab belongs on the land, crab! Not in the sea!

Aira: (nervously) I’m not sure… It’s so high…

Baalmon: (calmly) Anyone who refuses to jump must wear a chicken hat. And the more stubborn ones can meet their end on my blade.

Aira: EEEEKKK!!! (reluctantly walks to the edge and peers down) We’re… we’re so high up… I don’t know if… (as she suddenly loses her balance) WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!!

(Aira flails her arms side to side in a desperate attempt to maintain her balance. Eventually, she falls, resulting in a frightened Aira screaming all the way down. Said screaming doesn’t stop until she splashes into the water, right in the middle of the safe zone)

Baalmon: (under his breath) Clumsy twit.

Aira: (emerges from the surface) I’m safe. I’M SAFE!!!

Tetsuya: GAAAHHH!!! This is too much, crab! I’ll take the chicken hat!

(The chopper returns to the island, with Tetsuya wearing the chicken. His teammates, who have already arrived ashore, glare at him with disappointment)

Tetsuya: What?

Strandberg: An idiot!

(We return to the sea, where Gentaro & Chris’s choppers are the only ones remaining)

Chris: Multiversal Kamen Rider Club! You’re the only team left! If all of you can find the courage to jump, you’ll force the game into a tie! Doesn’t that sound prosperous?

Hatchet: It’s either that or let Azula’s Wrath win! Which one would you prefer?

(The team stare downwards, with everyone looking reluctant. All but Gentaro back away)

Hong Yue: (chuckles like mad) You need not to be afraid, I've got some very sharp blades! Hesitate for one second and you'll lose your neck! BWAHAHA!

Amy: That ain't gonna be me! (to the others) Who’s first?

Beefy Bert: He is. 

(Beefy Bert points towards Gentaro, who is preparing to jump. He places the Fourze Driver around his waist and flicks on the four Astroswitches in the driver)

Fourze Driver: Three, two, one!

Gentaro: Henshin! (reaches for the sky as he transforms into Kamen Rider Fourze: Basestates) 宇宙, キター!!!! [It's… SPACE TIME!!!]

(Gentaro leaps off the chopper with full bravado. He continues to scream the last word of what he just said, even while plunging towards the sea at hundreds of miles per hour. He lands in the water with a splash so big, it creates a tidal wave that sends the sharks and crocodiles blasting off again)

Chris: (pleased) That’s one hell of a dive if I've ever seen one! This takes Azula’s jump to shame!

(Gentaro climbs onto the boat, where Kengo is waiting for him)

Kengo: Gentaro、あんな無駄にフォーゼドライバー使わなくてもよかったのに。そのままダイブすればよかったのに. [Gentaro, you did not need to use the Fourze Driver so pointlessly. Just diving as yourself would’ve been fine.]

Gentaro: それって面白くないじゃん? [Where’s the fun in that?]

(Kengo casually shrugs, as if to concede that Gentaro might have a point. Meanwhile, Emma, Bree & Amy each make their jumps, leaving just Hiro & Beefy Bert left. Hong Yue eagerly and impatiently grinds his swords)

Hiro: (trying to pump himself up) Come on Hiro, you’ve got this! You’ve been to outer space before. You’ve been in much more dangerous situations than this! It’s just a few hundred meters! Just jump and you’ll be fine! (takes a deep breath) Okay, I can do it! (turns to Bert) What about you?

Beefy Bert: (nervously) I dunno!

Hong Yue: There’s always saying hello to my blades! HAHHAHHAH!!!

Hiro: If we don’t jump, we’ll be forced to wear chicken hats for the rest of the day! Either that, or face certain death.

Beefy Bert: Hey, I dunno if I can do it!

Hiro: Oh, sure you can, Bert! Listen, just take my hand and we’ll be fine! I’ll be with you the whole way!

Beefy Bert: All the way down?

Hiro: All the way down!

(Bert nods and takes Hiro’s hand, just as they jump off the helicopter. They plunge through the air before landing in the safe zone. Kengo brings down a ladder to let them climb aboard the boat)

Kengo: (as Hiro & Bert get on) Welcome aboard! With you two done, that’s the challenge finished as well! 

Hiro: (pumps his fist) YES! This is like one of those Episodes where the heroes help their companions face their fears! You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

(Kengo nods as he lifts the anchor. Just a dozen minutes later, the boat returns to the docks. Kengo, Bert & Hiro hop off and return to the beach, where they see Chris, Chef Hatchet and the other campers are waiting)

Emma: Hey, they're back! (waves) Welcome back! How was it?

Beefy Bert: It was scary, but he (points to Hiro) helped me through it! My hero!

(Hiro proudly places his hands on his hips like Superman)

Gentaro: すごい! [Awesome!]

Chris: Congratulations on completing the challenge! With the last campers having made the plunge, I declare the first (non-elimination) challenge a success! Now to declare the winner! The winning team is…

(Drum roll. Azula grins arrogantly while Gentaro, Hiro, Serena & Emma tense themselves)

Chris: (as the drum roll ends) NO ONE! It's a tie between the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club and Azula’s Wrath! Even the acknowledgement for best dive is tied between Gentaro & Azula!

(The Multiversal Kamen Rider Club cheerfully celebrates their victory while Azula’s Wrath hang their heads down, dejected. Azula resentfully glares at the team that stole her flawless victory)

Hatchet: On the other hand, we have to address the elephant in the room: the losers! Fifth Cohort, two of your members refused to jump, as you can tell from their chicken hats. (as Luke's team exchanges dirty looks with Mineta) That makes you the losers!

Serena: Awww!

Hatchet: Azula, Gentaro! Your team will stay here for a tiebreaker! (while Kengo inaudibly translates everything for Gentaro) The rest of you are free to enjoy the rest of your day!

Chris: (puts up his hand) Hold it, Chef! Gonna have to overrule you there, I'm afraid! There will be NO tiebreaker! Everyone but Luke’s team is free to enjoy their day!

Hatchet: Why?

Chris: I can't be bothered to set up a second challenge on the first day. (points at the setting sun up ahead) And look at how late it's getting! 

Paya: But then… What are you gonna do with us?

Chris: Simple! I'm going to punish them!

Hatchet: Come on, Chris! It's only the first day! Give these guys a break! You can do whatever you like with them later! If any of the campers die on the first day, the producers will come for your head! (gasps) THEY MIGHT COME FOR MY HEAD!!! WE COULD BOTH LOSE OUR JOBS!

Chris: (reluctantly sighs) Fine. I'll put it off for another time. No punishments today. Now we better prepare for low ratings. Happy now?

Hatchet: I'd rather we keep our jobs than suffer one bad episode. (to the Fifth Cohort) Please return to your dorms. This is a private conversation!

(The Fifth Cohort make like a tree and quickly exit the beach, leaving Chef Hatchet and Chris alone)

Chris: (sarcastically) Thanks for ruining my fun, Chef!

Hatchet: Stop overreacting, Chris! It’s only one episode! Even if we tank at the ratings tonight, we can always make it up with subsequent episodes!

Chris: I know! I’m just mad that you ruined my fun!

(Chef Hatchet sighs)

Chris: Anyway, that’s all for today! Next time, we’ll have our first Elimination challenge! But what kind of challenge will it be? Who will be eliminated? Find out next time on Total! Drama! PANEL CHANNELRAMA!!!

Chapter Text

(We start things off with Chris McLean, accompanied by cameramen and several interns, on the pier as the sun rises upon the early morning horizon. Chris is reading from a piece of paper)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama… our contestants were introduced to the many wonders of this wonderful island! First, the middle-class dwellings! Second, the pollution-free park! And let's not forget about that random mall in the middle of the island! Where on Earth did the original owner get the money to build that? I don’t know, and I don’t care! During the challenge, we had our campers jump 1000 feet off helicopters into the English Channel! While Mineta and Tetsuya chickened out (literally), everyone else plucked up the courage to become the world's greatest diving champions! Special mention goes to Azula and Gentaro, who did some of the best jumps I've ever seen! This Episode features the first elimination challenge, but who will be kicked? Stay tuned, my ni… (stops reading and stares at the script) HANG ON! I can’t say racial slurs on live television! I'll lose my job if I do! I'll get review bombed everywhere!

(The cameramen recording Chris look as equally horrified as he is)

Chris: (furious) WHO PUT THAT SLUR IN THE SCRIPT? WHO? FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO ME!!!

(The Green Jacket Intern leaves to find the pesky scriptwriter)

Chris: (to the others) Can we do a second take? (The cameramen shake their heads) Oh, bummer. This is gonna be a long day…

(Shortly after, we return to Chris and the cameramen waiting by the pier. Chris is looking rather impatient. Enter Chef Hatchet, looking very confused about what is going on)

Hatchet: Hey! Who are you waiting for?

Chris: Someone put a racial slur in the script! I can’t say a racial slur on air! I’m just waiting for my employees to find the man responsible! (taps his foot impatiently) Any minute now…

Green Jacket Intern: (voiceover) Found him, sir!

(Chris turns around in the direction of the voice. The Green Jacket Intern is approaching the beach, bringing along a fellow intern with him. This intern is short, slouches and is wearing a stereotypical cowboy hat)

Lazy Intern: What do you want with me, boss? (yawns)

Chris: So you’re the one who wrote the script for today’s introductory recap?

Lazy Intern: You bet I did! I did it seconds, with absolutely no help from AI whatsoever!

Chris: So you’re the one who put the racial slur on there?

Lazy Intern: (confused) What slur?

Hatchet: Yeah, what slur? (snatches the script and sees the n-word on there) Dude, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Lazy Intern: Dude, what’s your problem?

Chris: (cross but still smiling) What’s my problem? My problem is the racial slur you put on there! I was almost about to read it out loud on national television!

Lazy Intern: What does that have to do with me?

Chris: There are quintillions of people across the multiverse that tune in to this show! They expect the best from us at all times - professionalism, perfection, and… (scratches his head) that’s it. I don’t have anything to help me complete the rule of three, but my point still stands. If we make any mistake on air, this show is toast, and I’ll be out of a job!

Lazy Intern: (sighs) Just get to the point, boss!

Chris: Can you please remove the racial slur from the script?

Lazy Intern: No. It’s the audience’s fault for being too sensitive. Nothing wrong with practising my right to freedom of speech. Besides, I can't be bothered! I just wanna sleep all day!

Chris: Please? I won’t tell anyone if you remove it, not even the authorities.

Lazy Intern: No!

Chris: Please?

Lazy Intern: NO!

Chris: Say hello to the Dark Nebula.

Lazy Intern: (confused) Wait, what?

(Chris snaps his fingers. At once, a portal appears above the lazy intern’s head, sucking him into the Dark Nebula. The portal closes as he is pulled through)

Chris: That takes care of that! Now, let’s take it to the top again, this time without the damn slur! (clears his throat) Previously on Total Drama…

Cue the Intro

(At around the same time Chris is punishing the lazy intern, we focus on the Fifth Cohort’s dormitory, where Paya is fast asleep in her quiet, lightless bedroom. The maroon duvet of her futon wraps around her body like gift paper, keeping her nice and warm. Mineta climbs into the open window, a camera in his hands)

Mineta: (thinking) Heh heh heh! I managed to get in without her noticing me. Perfect! Now I can get all the photos of all the beautiful girls I need! I wanna kiss Chris’s hands so badly! If this is a dream, it's the best one ever!

(Mineta aims the camera at Paya's face before taking a picture. A bright light flashes from the camera right before the picture is taken. Paya wakes up and sees Mineta sitting on her windowsill)

Mineta: (panicking) OH NO! I FORGOT TO TURN OFF FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY!!!

Paya: (frightened) AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Mineta: AAAAAHHHH!!!

(Paya punches Mineta with all her might, sending the dwarf hero blasting through the sky. Mineta eventually crashes through the window of another house - Azula’s room)

Mineta: Ow ow ouch! (hears showering noises coming from the en-suite bathroom) Oh! Some little chick is having a lovely shower! This is even better than someone who's sleeping!

(Mineta grins to himself as he creeps into the bathroom. The silhouette of someone taking a shower behind the shower curtain can be seen. Mineta creeps towards the bathtub, grabs hold of the shower curtain and pulls it open)

Mineta: GOTCHA! (raises his camera) Say cheese!

Azula: (shocked) WHAT THE? (gets mildly angry) Oh no you don’t!

(Azula blasts Mineta with a fireball, tossing him out of the bathroom and out of the building. He flies hundreds of feet in the air before landing in another house’s garden. He gets up to find that he’s accidentally fallen on a bunch of sunflowers)

Mineta: (gets up, standing next to the dead sunflowers) Oh no! Those poor sunflowers! (uproots and hides the sunflowers under some dirt) I’m sure no one will notice. (notices a shadow looming over him) Huh?

(Mineta turns around to find one angry Emma Goodall glaring at him)

Mineta: (nervously) Uhh… hello!

Emma: (furious) HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY FLOWERS! NOW, I'LL DESTROY YOU!!!

Mineta: Whoops?

(Various crashing, punching and all sorts of violent sounds are heard across the garden as Emma's beatdown of Mineta is obscured by a cloud of smoke. Everyone else rushes into the garden, eager to see what's going on)

Kengo: What on Earth is all that commotion?

Gentaro: この男は誰？ここで何をしているの？

Amy: Wait… that’s… MINETA?!

(Shortly afterwards, we see the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club and Azula calling into the Fifth Cohort’s dormitory’s living room. Kengo, Paya, Azula & Hiro are having a firm talk with team leader Luke Castallan. Mineta has been tied to a chair in the background. The rest of the Fifth Cohort are also in the living room, listening to the conversation)

Azula: (crosses her arms) So now, as you’ve just heard, your teammate is posing major troubles for all of us. He has no sense of privacy or personal boundaries.

Paya: He snuck into my private room! He’s a total creep!

Serena: Last night, he hacked into my phone and posted all of my private photos!

Sayaka: He stole all my concert DVDs and replaced them with pornography! (spits in disgust)

Emma: And he destroyed my flowers! I spent half a day trying to grow these!

Mineta: Look! I said I was sorry, okay?

Luke: (waves his hands nervously) Now, now! No need for any rash behaviour! I can assure you that we’re doing everything under our power to control Mineta’s perverted tendencies. I know it doesn’t seem like we’re doing anything right now, but that’s the trouble with superpowered humans! They’re very hard to control.

Hiro: What measures are you pulling off right now?

Luke: For example, whenever we catch him getting up to no good, we tie him up to a dining chair and leave him to think about how unacceptable his actions are. We can keep him tied up for however long we want to keep him tied up - ten minutes, one hour, a whole day… anything goes depending on the severity of the crime!

Bree: (thinking) Okay, that’s harsh.

(Luke continues to talk about how the team deals with Mineta. Meanwhile, Azula takes a closer look at one of the campers on Gentaro’s team)

Azula: (thinking hard as she glances at Bree) That girl with the blood red eyes… Bree Tanner, wasn’t it? These aren’t the eyes of a normal human. She must be some sort of monster, maybe like a vampire! (takes another look at Bree trying her hardest to control her instincts) Looks like an interesting little thing. I wonder what would happen if I tried to help her out a little?

(Azula looks around the living room, searching for an opportunity to cause some mischief among rival Gentaro’s team. She spies Sly sitting on the sofa, fiddling with a paper clip)

Azula: Hmm… (walks over to Sly and lightly touches the paperclip, making it drastically increase in temperature)

Sly: OUCH!!!!

(Sly drops the red hot paperclip onto the ground. At the same time, his index finger begins to bleed from the sudden exposure to a sharp, hot object. He tries hiding his hand under his trouser pocket. Bree sniffs the air)

Beefy Bert: (notices Bree acting strange) Hmm? What is it?

Bree: (continues sniffing the air) I smell… I smell… (her eyes dilate wide as she loses control of herself) FRESH BLOOD!

Beefy Bert: Wait, what?

Serena: (freaked out) That sounds scary!

(Bree suddenly lunges at Sly, knocking him off the sofa and exposing his bleeding hand for all to see. She sinks her sharp upper canine teeth into the hand, using the wound to extract blood)

Sly: AHHH! HELP!! SHE’S FEEDING ON MY BLOOD!

Gentaro: (understandably disgusted) 彼女から離れろ、変態野郎！

(The rest of the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club rushes in to keep Bree away from Sly. The crazed vampire struggles against her instincts and her teammates as she tries to feed)

Hiro: This is getting crazy!

Amy: You were the one who wanted her on the team, genius!

Hiro: No I didn’t! Chris assigned her there!

Amy: Well, then… SCREW CHRIS!!!

Kengo: We can’t hold her forever! Someone knock her out!

Emma: I’ll do it! (quietly, to Bree) Sorry, girl! This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it’s gonna hurt me!

(Emma hits Bree square in the head with her free hand. Bree falls limp, now unconscious)

Luke: Well, that was a disaster. (looks at Sly) Care to explain any of it?

Sly: Don’t look at me! The paperclip just caught fire! I didn’t have anything to do with it!

(Luke and the rest of the Fifth Cohort take a suspicious glance at Sly. Outside, Azula has just slinked out of the building, smiling confidently from the success)

Azula: This is going a lot better than I thought.

CONFESSIONAL - AZULA

Azula: Objective accomplished! With our little vampire friend’s true colours exposed for her teammates to see, I think it won’t be long before infighting arrives on their doorstep. It should be a matter of time before the team implodes upon itself as they frantically debate what to do! This is gonna be fun!

(End of confessional)

Azula: (watching the chaos unfold from outside) While they tear themselves apart, I think I'm gonna assert my control over Azula’s Wrath! There’s a problem child I need to take care of!

(Azula makes her leave. Meanwhile, the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club and the Fifth Cohort sort themselves out)

Hiro: Sorry about the mess. We'll sort things out, I swear!

Luke: (sternly) And you’d better do it! Your teammate is out of control, and I don’t mean it lightly! If you don’t deal with her before the next challenge, you might end up getting yourself or everyone else hurt at her hands!

Mineta: Mmmph! MMMPH!!

Hiro: (as Luke and the Fifth Cohort leave) What’s his problem?

Amy: He does raise an excellent point, though. (points at the unconscious Bree) What are we to do with the problem child?

(Kengo, Hiro and the rest of the team find themselves lost in thought, thinking hard about what to do. Meanwhile, Azula has just returned to her team’s dormitory. Inside the messy kitchen, Wakiya is being his usual bossy self, giving countless orders to everyone)

Wakiya: (to Dave) You! Rat man! Stop dilly-dallying and focus on the frying pan! Your laziness will end up burning the whole kitchen! (to Bridget) You, put that teddy bear off the countertop! It’s for his own good! (to Beat) You, get those headphones off and put on a cooking hat! You wouldn’t want the sauce to ruin such good-looking headphones, wouldn’t you? (to ENA) And you! Try to act like you want to be here!

ENA: If you stopped acting like a controlling dick all the time, I’d be more eager to be here!

Wakiya: (offended) C-c-c-CONTROLLING?! I’M GONNA…

???: HOLD IT!

(Everyone turns around to find Azula standing by the kitchen doorway. They freeze upon seeing her)

Dave: Azula?

Azula: (faux anger) What in the name of Sozin’s Comet is going on here? I leave you to your own devices for just twenty minutes and you’re already causing chaos?!

Bridget: (waves her arms up and down like mad) This isn’t our fault! Wakiya suddenly barged into my room, demanding that I pitch in with cooking lunch! When I refused, he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me all the way to the kitchen!

Dave: And then he did the same with the rest of us! He’s a monster!

Beat: (shrugs) Ignore them, they’re just exaggerating! Wakiya simply asked them to assist him the best way he knew how. As far as I’m concerned, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong!

Azula: (boldly) I’ll be the judge of that. (walks into the kitchen with false sympathy) Wakiya! Why are you overworking these poor souls?

Wakiya: (annoyed) No! These lazy old socks need some discipline in their lives! You should be thanking me for finally giving them some!

Azula: Oh, I'm thankful, alright… (Wakiya grins) For trying to usurp my throne! (blasts Wakiya with fire)

Wakiya: (gets blasted into a wall) OUCH! 

Dave: (heartwarmed) Oh, Azula! My hero!

Azula: (sweeps her hair back like a cool shonen hero) No need to thank me! Just doing what’s expected for a team leader!

Bridget: Yay! We’re finally free from this bossy boots!

Azula: You bet I did!

(Azula forces a perfect grin as Bridget, Dave and the other campers flee from the kitchen)

CONFESSIONAL - AZULA

Azula: What I did was the perfect plan! Not only did I permanently take care of the power struggle, but my loyal subjects will remember my so-called heroic act for a long time! From now on, all I need to do is remind them what I did for them, and they’ll come flocking to me!

(End of confessional. Wakiya regains his consciousness)

Wakiya: (groans while rubbing his head) Oh, my head… What ha… (realises) AZULA!!!!

Azula: Oh, hey there, dragon boy! Did I not blast you hard enough? I am so sorry… (turns away) Now excuse me. I think I’ll mess with Gentaro’s team a little bit.

Wakiya: I'll make you regret this one day, monster! Mark my words!

(Pause. Then, Azula’s rage erupts as fiery as the blue fireballs in her hands)

Azula: (furious) YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, YOU SON OF A…

(We cut away just when Azula finishes her sentence. Super Macho Man's Super Macho Men are in the park, doing some harsh exercise regimes courtesy of SMM himself)

Super Macho Man: (barking like a general) MY GRANDMA CAN DO PLANKS BETTER THAN YOU WEAK, INCOMPETENT FOOLS AND SHE’S ONLY 84! MOVE IT, YOU LOT! I WANT TO SEE YOU PUSH YOURSELF TO DEATH, AND I WANT NO EXCUSES! MOVE IT!

(We take a better look at the rest of the team, that being Oldbag, Aira, Tetsuya, Strandberg and Poppy. They are all sweating buckets, feeling utterly and completely exhausted. None of them can manage another pushup)

Aira: (exhausted) Can’t… hold it… anymore…

Poppy: (between heavy breaths) Me… neither…

Tetsuya: Crabby… I feel like a dead crab, Crab… (collapses)

Oldbag: Me too… I’m too old for such intense activity… (collapses)

Super Macho Man: (marches up to Tetsuya & Oldbag) OI YOU! What do you fools think you're doing? Pick up the damn slack!

(Strandberg is quietly working his plank in the background. Tetsuya is too tired to say anything)

Oldbag: I can't… This is too much…

Aira: Please… give us a rest! We're not as… big or strong as you! Let us… Take a break!

Super Macho Man: NO! This is my team, and I make the rules! Move it!

(Super Macho Man’s teammates continue to do planks at their own expense. Back at the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club’s home, Kengo is holding an emergency meeting with the rest of the team in the living room. Bree is still tied up in the corner. Mineta is spying on them through a nearby tree)

Mineta: (quietly) Tee-hee! This is perfect! Free, live action bondage right in front of my very eyes! This is the best day I’ve ever had! (grins) Come to papa!

(Someone taps Minerta’s shoulder. Mineta turns around to find the Beetle behind him with a gauntlet-mounted missile aimed at his head)

Mineta: (gasps) OH NO!!!

(An explosion is seen. Mineta is sent blasting off into the stratosphere, screaming for his mother as he disappears into the sky. Back inside the house, Kengo starts the emergency meeting)

Kengo: (clears his throat) Thank you for coming here, ladies and gentlemen. Today we have gathered to discuss a recent yet very important problem in our hands.

Gentaro: What… Is it?

(Everyone but Kengo stare at Gentaro in shock)

Emma: Did my ears hear it right?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Amy: No, you dumbass! She heard it right! Gentaro just spoke English!

Kengo: (nods) Yes. Thanks to the slowing of time granted by Alcheworld, I’ve been able to give Gentaro some much-needed English lessons. Granted, he only knows basic words, but it’s still an improvement compared to before.

Gentaro: Thank you!

Kengo: You’re welcome! Anyway, the reason I called this emergency meeting was to discuss the big elephant in the room: (points at the tied up Bree) Her.

Hiro: Bree Tanner-san?

Kengo: Yes. The young vampire. After today’s incident with Sly, I did some research on the camper, and I found some interesting stuff.

Gentaro: (to Emma) What is… fampire?

Emma: A vampire is a human-like monster that feasts on other people’s blood. You can tell them apart from normal people by their paler skin and their sharper incisor teeth.

Gentaro: What is… incisors?

Hiro: They’re the triangular teeth at the front of your mouth.

Gentaro: Oh.

Amy: What information do you have for us?

Kengo: Some interesting things I thought you’d want to read. (takes out a dossier) Here you go.

(The other campers crowd around the table to read the dossier. Hiro flicks through the pages and reads)

Hiro: Let’s see… (reads the opening pages) Bree Tanner. Fifteen-year-old vampire. Forcibly transformed when she turned fifteen. Formerly a member of a makeshift vampire army created to kill its leader’s enemies. (flicks through some pages) Ran away from home to escape an abusive, murderous father… (pauses) Man, that’s rough! I’m sorry to hear that, Bree!

(Bree breathes a sigh of relief, glad that someone has sympathy for her plight)

Beefy Bert: Lemme have a read! (looks at the dossier) During her time in the vampire army, Bree, like many of the others, was tricked into believing the traditional vampire tales. Befriended a boy called Diego, who found out that these myths were lies and relayed them back to Bree. He was then killed to keep him quiet. (looks more closely) Wait, what?

Bree: (despairingly) NO! PLEASE STOP! I DON’T WANT TO RELIVE IT!

Beefy Bert: Bree did not realise the cause of Diego’s death. (pauses) After the vampire army was defeated, Bree was the last one remaining. She was killed by the vampire authority group Volturi. (looks more closely) Huh?

Gentaro: Let me! (looks at the pages) Killed? She should be dead!

Amy: (points at Bree holding back tears in the background) Yeah! How is she still here?

Kengo: I don’t know! My best guess is that someone in the staff, likely Chris, the SCS or one of his other interns, resurrected her for the sake of letting her compete. (notices everyone staring at him in confusion) Well, it’s the only theory that makes the most logical sense. Can you think of anything else that might be better?

(Pause as everyone else stops to think. They then shake their heads in unison)

Hiro: (raises his hand) I know! How about we ask the girl herself! She should know much better than we do! (turns to face Bree) Hey Bree! Why don’t you tell us about… (realises something) SHE’S GONE!

Kengo: Gone? (he and the others notice Bree to be missing)

Everyone: GONE!!!

(The team and Kengo stand up, fretting endlessly as they assess the situation)

Amy: DAMMIT! Where did she go?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Kengo: Quick! We need to find Bree before it's too late! Not only is her vampire biology a major hazard to island security, but she’s your teammate!

Emma: Not to worry! We’ll find her before Chris does!

Gentaro: I will make her my bud!

(Kengo grins to himself as the team leaves the house. While all this is happening, Serena has taken her team and Aira back to the clothes shop)

Serena: Tah dah! Welcome to the clothing store! This is where I met Aira!

Aira: (beams) That’s me!

Luke: Say, you’ve got some good friends, Serena! I only have the rest of the team! How did you make a fast one like this?

Paya: Yes! Please tell me! I wanna know!

Sly: Me too!

Serena: (smiles) Sure! Why don’t I tell you as we exchange clothes!

Aira: I’ll be sure to give all of you Pretty Remakes! (turns to Sayaka) Sayaka! You wanna join in too?

Sayaka: (quietly) Sure! I guess…

(Aira and Serena laugh joyously as they and the rest of the Fifth Cohort take some clothes to try on. We next see a montage of the Fifth Cohort and Aira trying on all sorts of different clothes, with even Mineta getting involved in the fun. They get in all sorts of costumes, from suits, jackets, cowboy costumes, Wellington boots and even dressing gowns. We end the montage as the Fifth Cohort emerges from the fitting rooms with fresh outfits. Serena and Aira are the only ones not in fresh clothes)

Serena: Tah dah! Fresh as a pair of mints! What do you think?

Luke: (wearing a black tuxedo) Do you have anything to cover that scar on my face? Like a headscarf or something?

Serena: Sorry! Head scarfs don’t go well with that tuxedo of yours! Besides, I think you look cool with that scar!

(Luke scratches his head)

Mineta: (wearing a hipster t-shirt and shorts) WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT ME?

Aira: Don’t worry! You still look fine! (turns to Sly, who is dressed like a football player) And you look like you’re ready to hit the field!

Paya: (wearing a red kimono with flower patterns) Uh… what about me?

Serena: You’re not too shabby either! Kimonos fit you perfectly! (turns to Sayaka, who is wearing a Versailles dress) And Sayaka…

Sayaka: (nervously) Yes?

Serena: (excitedly) WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD SUCH A CUTE FASHION SENSE? You look beautiful in this dress that’s fit for a queen!

Sayaka: R-r-r-really?

Serena: Yes, really! You’re just too cute! Simply too good!

(Sayaka blushes as Serena compliments her, lost for words on how to respond)

CONFESSIONAL - SAYAKA

Sayaka: Uhh… How should I put this? When I first came here, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was scared, you know? Scared that if I tried to make any friends, they’d end up dead like the rest of my friends! I really wanted to get along with Serena and the team… I mean, she was so kind, and she touched my heart sometimes! It’s just that… (rubs her eye) I thought it was for their own good. But after what happened at the clothes store today, you know something? It didn’t feel too bad. I enjoyed trying on clothes with the others! You know what? I think I’ll try spending more time with them from now on!

(End of confessional)

Aira: See? I told you my Pretty Remakes would be great for everyone! Look at how brightly you shine! Even your clothes are glimmering with happiness! (giggles)

Sayaka: (blushes) T-t-thank you!

CONFESSIONAL- SERENA

Serena: (smiling at the camera) You wanna know something? I think I've finally managed to get Sayaka out of her shell! From now on, she and I are gonna be the best of friends! I just know it!

(End of confessional)

Mineta: (slyly) Enough messing around! If we’re going to keep things fair, the two girls who arranged everything should try on some new clothes too! Only this time, we’ll choose the clothes!

Aira: Huh?

Sly: Yeah, that’s a good idea! Let’s try it!

Serena: But…

(But it’s too late. The rest of the Fifth Cohort grabs random clothes before forcing Serena & Aira into the changing rooms. Meanwhile, Hiro & Gentaro are in the park, reading a digital version of Kengo’s dossier on their phones)

Gentaro: Hmm… let’s see… (studies the dossier more closely) Characteristics. Bree Tanner is a curious, nervous kind of person. Had no self-confidence when she was human. Likes reading books, and can tell when other people are lying. Surprisingly strong sense of self-control.

Hiro: (doubtful) Strong sense of self-control? We saw her attack Sly not too long ago! That barely screams of self-control!

Gentaro: (scratches his head as he struggles for words) Uhh… Sly hurt his finger, and it bled. So.. Bree… attacked!

Hiro: Okay, that makes a lot more sense! (looks around his surroundings) This park is ginormous! Bree could be anywhere!

Gentaro: We should split up!

Hiro: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea! I’ll continue looking around the park, and you can head to the forest! Okay?

Gentaro: Okay! (runs off)

Hiro: (as he continues walking down the park) Is there anything else I need to know? (scrolls through more pages of the dossier) Ah! Twilight Vampire biology! (pauses before resuming his reading) Vampires look like regular humans, except with paler skin that sparkles in the sunlight, and either blood red or golden eyes, depending on their diet. Superhuman speed, strength, and durability, plus enhanced senses. Contrary to typical myths, Twilight Vampires are immune to sunlight and are unaffected by garlic, holy water, silver and wooden stakes. The only way to kill them is by decapitating them before setting their corpse on fire. Unfortunately, most humans don’t have the physical strength to carry out such a feat. It takes a vampire to kill another vampire. (turns off his phone and places it in his pocket) Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

(Hiro resumes his search for Bree across the park. He searches every nook and cranny, from the fountain to the skate park and even in some bushes, but can’t find anything yet)

Hiro: (sighs as he pokes his head out of some bushes) Just where could she be? (looks up to the midday sunny sky)

CONFESSIONAL - HIRO

Hiro: And that’s when I remembered: Twilight Vampires hate the sun! Even though it doesn’t hurt them, it exposes their shiny skin for human hunters to see! That’s when I realised I was looking in the completely wrong place: I shouldn’t be looking in the park. I should be looking in the forest where Gentaro is, where there’s plenty of shade from the sun!

(End of confessional)

Hiro: (dials Kengo while turning towards the forest) Come on, Kengo! Pick up! I don’t know how much I have until Bree loses control again!

Kengo: (VO via Hiro’s phone) こんにちは、ケンゴです.

Hiro: Kengo, it’s me! This is urgent. I need you to go and contact the other members of this team once this call is over.

Kengo: What are you planning?

Hiro: I think I know where Bree Tanner might be: the forest! I’m heading there right now!

Kengo: Wait, what are you… That’s crazy! You’re gonna get yourself…

(Hiro ends the call as he runs closer to the forest. He grabs onto a tree trunk as he stops to catch his breath - he’s been running all morning. Running is exhausting work)

Hiro: (panting) I… should’ve… exercised… a bit… more! (pauses) If… Laura-kun… was here… she… would’ve… (takes a deep breath) ACED IT!

(Hiro continues further into the forest, this time walking through it instead of running, as to preserve energy on his already dying legs. He passes by trees, tall grass, boulders and several small water holes. The large trees, with their ginormous leaves, give him shade from the harsh noon sunlight. Eventually, he comes across a deer’s corpse, bled completely dry)

Hiro: (sees the bloodless deer) OH MY GOD!!! (immediately goes on his phone to tell his teammates via voice messaging) Guys, I found something gruesome! A dead deer with all of its blood gone! I think it might be Bree’s handiwork! (pockets his phone) Why do I get the feeling I’m not gonna enjoy what I see?

(Hiro slowly and nervously follows the trail of blood coming from the deer’s corpse. It takes him towards a medium-sized forest clearing, with very few trees, tons of grass, flowers and other pretty plants that Emma would love. Bree Tanner is sitting on a sloped boulder, her skin sparkling in the sunlight as she looks up into the clouds)

Hiro: (thinking) She looks so stunning under the sun! I read about how much her skin would sparkle, but nothing could prepare me for this! (swallows) Okay, Hiro! Focus! There’s no room for error. All you need to do is restrain the vampire before she can do any more harm. Time to be a hero!

(Hiro takes his phone back out, texts his teammates to report where he’s found Bree and then puts his phone back in his pocket before sneaking towards Bree)

Hiro: (thinking) Easy does it, Hiro.

Bree: (turns around and sees Hiro) Are… are you here to kill me?

Hiro: WHAT THE?! (stumbles back in disbelief) Bree? How did you…

Bree: I’ve got super senses. I could even hear your footsteps against the grass. (as Hiro gets back up and walks closer) In general, I can hear things much better than you can.

Hiro: I remember reading about that. (sits down next to Bree) I mean, how can I do anything bad to you? It’s not the kind of thing a hero does.

(The two campers sigh)

Bree: (after a brief pause) My mum left me when I was little, so all I had for much of my life was my father.

Hiro: (curiously) Was he a good man?

Bree: Oh, FUCK NO! (spits on the ground with disdain) He was a murderous, abusive piece of shit! He’s the reason Mum left before I got a chance to know her! He’s the reason I never had any friends at school! He’s why I’m like… (looks at her hands) THIS! (sighs) If he had treated me better, I never would’ve run away from home! I wouldn’t be a monster!

(Hiro stops, taking it all in. His face has a look of shock, disbelief and sympathy in it, as if he wants to say something to comfort Bree but can’t find the right words. He takes another sympathetic look at his vampiric teammate)

Hiro: So… after you left home, you got turned into a vampire, joined the makeshift vampire army and got yourself killed. (Bree nods) Why didn't you leave?

Bree: I COULDN’T! (briefly pauses to calm herself down) The leader… (pauses again) He was the one who made me be like this! I just couldn't bring myself to betray him. When Diego and I found out the truth about us vampires, he sent Diego on a recon mission. I just couldn't leave without him! (swallows) I loved him!

Hiro: (thinking) It’s as Professor Yamano said: The things people do for love can be crazy! The Hiyama siblings, for example. I wasn’t into LBX when it happened last year, but Lex died trying to kill all of the world leaders using a rocket. Then his sister Mami tried to take over the world with an orbital superlaser in the name of avenging him! If Ban-kun, Laura-kun and I hadn’t been there, God knows what would’ve happened next! (to Bree) Bree-san!

Bree: Huh?

Hiro: I understand, Bree-san. I think I get everything now! I… (pauses to clear his throat) I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. But that just begs the questions: How are you still alive? You died along with the rest of the vampire army!

Bree: I don’t know! One minute, I’m being decapitated by a muscular vampire in a snowy forest, the next minute, I’m waking up in a dark alleyway in the middle of nowhere! I’m just in the dark as you are!

Hiro: (thinking) So Bree-san doesn’t know either! This is something worth reporting to Kengo-kun once all this is over. (stands up as his mind wanders elsewhere) And that deer… the one that was completely bled out… was that you?

Bree: (solemnly) Animal blood doesn't taste as nice as human blood. (pauses) W-why did you come looking for me?

Hiro: Why? Because you’re our teammate, fair and simple! I just wanna be able to compete in this competition with you by our side, Bree-san!

Bree: (stunned) Me? Your t-t-teammate? But why me? I'm a… I'm a monster!

Hiro: That doesn't mean I don't trust you, Bree-san. I wanna be friends, you and me! And to prove it… (eyes a holly bush in the vicinity)

Bree: (face falls as she realises what Hiro is about to do) Wait! Don't!

Hiro: (to himself as he nears the holly bush) Okay, Hiro. This is the moment of truth! If Bree really can control herself, this should be an easy feat! Trust her, just like she trusts you!

(Up in a tree near the end of the clearing, Mineta, who somehow made it out of the mall, is hiding in the leaves, spying on Hiro & Bree with binoculars)

Mineta: (thinking) Ooh boy, what have we here? If I’m not mistaken, I’m about to see… VAMPIRE TITTIES!!!! This is even better than all the photos I have stored in my phone!

(Something pokes the back of Mineta’s head. He looks behind him to find Zan Partizanne in the tree, staring angrily at him with her spear pointed at his head. Lightning shoots out from the tip of the spear, giving Mineta some much-needed shock therapy. Mineta falls to the ground, unconscious)

Zan Partizanne: (drops to the ground next to Mineta) That’ll teach you not to be a pervert!

(Zan Partizanne slings Mineta’s unconscious body over her shoulder and flies off. As she does, the rest of the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club and Kengo crash through the forest)

Emma: (as she and her teammates run) We’re getting close! (looks at her phone) Hiro said he found Bree at this location. I sure hope he knows what he’s doing!

Amy: If he doesn’t, then we’ve got an easy one to vote off!

Gentaro: Don’t say that! Hiro’s our bud! 

Kengo: (thinking) He better not have gotten himself into any trouble…

(The team runs through a layer of trees, into the clearing where Hiro said he found Bree. They soon find Hiro and Bree in a staring contest in a grassy area)

Gentaro: There! (points at Hiro) He is! I told you we could… trust him!

Kengo: Wait! Something's not right. (sees Hiro holding a holly leaf in his right and his bleeding left finger) SHIT! What the hell is he doing?

Hiro: (notices Kengo and his teammates approaching from behind) Oh! Hey! You guys made it!

Kengo: (annoyed) HIRO! Are you bloody stupid? Just what do you think you're up to?

(Everyone but Amy looks at Hiro & Bree with concern)

Hiro: Guys, relax! I've got this!

(Kengo and Hiro’s teammates take a closer look at Bree. She is, to their surprise, not looking aggressive or hostile. Instead, she seems perfectly normal, save for some visible tension in her face and upper body)

Bree: (to herself as she struggles to control herself) Come on, Bree! Control yourself! You can’t feast on that boy the same way you did to that man. He’s been friendly with you all the way! (as she forces herself to stay still) Must… resist… Must… not… eat!

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno what’s going on! Why isn’t the vampire attacking?

Amy: (impatiently) Something, please happen already! I can’t stand standing by the sidelines for so long!

(Emma is speechless, too busy being in shock over what is going on)

Gentaro: Wait a minute… (turns to face Kengo) Kengo-kun! 彼が何を企んでいるかわかる気がするよ!

Kengo: 何?

Gentaro: これは信頼のテストだよ! Hiro-san 彼女が彼の血に抵抗できるかどうかを見て, 彼女を信頼できるかどうかを確かめようとしています. 彼がこんなに自信満々に見えるってことは, 最初からこんなことするくらい彼女を本当に信頼してるんだろうね！これぞ本当の友達ってやつだね!

Kengo: 彼が成功する唯一のことは出血して死ぬことだ! (to the others) Guys, Hiro’s doing something stupid!

Emma: Say what?

Amy: Thanks for stating the obvious!

Kengo: He’s using blood from his own finger to test Bree-san’s character! He thinks that he can bargain his own life to see whether or not she’ll drink from a trusted teammate! (to himself) If he dies from blood loss, I am SO NOT taking responsibility!

(Meanwhile, Hiro & Bree are still in their standoff. Blood is dripping bit by bit off the tip of Hiro’s left index finger)

Hiro: (reassuringly) I know you can do this, Bree-san! I believe in you! Just remember to be yourself! Don’t let your vampiric instincts rule over you! We’ve been doing this for four minutes! Keep it up!

(Hiro’s teammates react with shock)

Emma: (in disbelief) Wha… what did he say? F-f-four minutes! He’s gonna die if we don’t do anything!

Kengo: That’s what I’m worried about. C’mon!

(Kengo and the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club rush towards Hiro & Bree. Beefy Bert grabs Hiro and lays him down on the floor while Kengo quickly applies bandages around Hiro’s left index finger) 

Hiro: OW! Hey, don’t squeeze too hard!

Kengo: It’s your fault for being so reckless with your life! You’d already been haemorrhaging for four minutes, and the average person dies from blood loss in five minutes!

Hiro: Is that true?

Kengo: Of course it is! You’d be bleeding dry if you hadn’t told us where you’d be!

Amy: You'd better survive! There’s no fun in trying to vote to eliminate the deceased!

(Meanwhile, Emma and Gentaro crowd around Bree)

Bree: (nervously) Am… Am I in trouble?

Emma: In trouble? That, I'm not at liberty to say.

(Gentaro has no reaction, not knowing the correct English words to say)

Emma: Well, we’re just happy to see that you and Hiro are okay.

(Bree makes a huge sigh of relief. Chris’s voice suddenly pipes up on the intercom)

Chris: (via loudspeakers) GOOD AFTERNOON, ALL CAMPERS!!! It is now time for the second challenge! By the end of the day, one of you will be saying bye-bye to this wonderful island! This is the first elimination-based challenge, so if you don’t want that unfortunate person to be you, you’d better make it to the park, PRONTO!

(Kengo and the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club stop what they’re doing instantly the minute they hear this announcement)

Kengo: (to Hiro) Good thing we had enough time to save your life. Now get up! You have a challenge to win. (to Emma & Gentaro) You two, bring Bree along.

(The Multiversal Kamen Rider Club follow Kengo out of the forest clearing. Gentaro briefly jogs to catch up, then slows down to stay with Hiro as they go through the greengrowth)

Gentaro: Hiro-san! さっきあそこで何が起こっていたんだ？

Hiro: 公園に行く途中で全部話すよ!

(Gentaro & Hiro continue to walk through the forest. Meanwhile, Chris, Chef Hatchet, the Green Jacket Intern and the British Intern are waiting at the park fountain. Zan Partizanne is also there. All teams except the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club are also present)

Chris: Nice job showing up, everyone! Just one more team left to go and we can get started on the challenge! (to Chef Hatchet) Where are these Kamen Rider bozos?

Hatchet: Their trackers say they're still in the middle of the forest!

Chris: What do you mean by ‘still’?

(Chef Hatchet shrugs. In the distance, out of sight of the others, are the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club, walking their way to the fountain. Hiro & Gentaro are having a conversation in Japanese, regarding the events that occurred in the forest clearing)

Gentaro: それで, そういうことだったんですか？

Hiro: はい! それって, コズミックヒーロー・センシマンだったら, 誰かの忠誠心が怪しいときにやることだよね!

Gentaro: で, 彼女のことを完全に信頼してるの? (Hiro nods) それなら, あなたの友達は私の友達でもあります! (glances at Bree with a grin)

Amy: (whispers to Bert) Do you have any idea what these clowns are talking about?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno.

Emma: Guys, please stop with the nasty words! Now’s not the right time for that kind of behaviour!

(Amy grumbles to herself as she and her teammates approach the fountain)

Chris: (sees them arrive) Ah! Glad to see you make it, Multiversal Kamen Rider Club! Now that everyone’s here, I can finally get started with introducing the challenge?

Tetsuya: What is today’s crabulous challenge, crabby crab?

Wakiya: It better not be as deathly as the last one!

Chris: Don’t worry! No one will be dying in this challenge! (as everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief) But once I’m done with you, you’ll be feeling like wanting to die!

Wakiya: That’s good! (face falls as he realises what Chris said) Wait, WHAT?!

Chris: That’s right! Welcome to… THE STOMACHTHON!

(Chris turns and points behind him. The campers and everyone else can spy a row of four tables and chairs, with massive plates of hotdog-shaped cream ‘donuts’ on them. The British Intern walks up to the tables with a stopwatch in his hands)

Chris: (whispers to the Green Jacket Intern) I don’t like the way some of these campers are staring at me. Where are the rest of the SCS?

Green Jacket Intern: They’re here - don’t you worry! You just can’t see them!

Chris: Okay, okay. That makes a lot more sense.

Beat: Hey! What are we meant to do?

Hatchet: (scoldingly) It’s as it sounds, doofuses! An eating competition! (clears his throat) One of you from each will be sitting by the tables, trying to eat as many donuts as fast as you can. The last camper still eating wins for their team! There is no time limit, so just eat as much as you can, as fast as you can!

Super Macho Man: Heh. Sounds easy.

Mineta: MEMEME! LEMME HAVE A GO! I LOVE DONUTS!

Chris: Teams, discuss amongst yourselves to decide who will be participating in the challenge. I expect an answer within one minute!

Hatchet: One minute? That’s insane!

Chris: Relax, Chef! That’s plenty of time!

(The teams huddle in their own separate groups as they discuss who to send out. We focus on the Fifth Cohort as they come to a unanimous decision)

Sayaka: Mineta.

Sly: Yeah, let’s choose him.

Mineta: Huh? Why me?

Luke: You were the one jumping up and down, talking about how you wanted to have a go due to your love of donuts. It wouldn’t seem fair to leave you out after you showed all that excitement.

Mineta: (blushing) Thank you! I won’t forget this!

(Next, we focus on Azula’s Wrath as Azula & Wakiya try to charm their teammates into choosing them)

Wakiya: Choose me if you want a victory for the ages! Eating competitions are easy - all you do is eat, eat and eat! And with the fact that all we're eating are donuts, this shall be no contest! I shall win the challenge and make us look cool while doing it!

Azula: (puts on a charming smile) But don’t forget - in order to win, you must be perfect! We're in it to win it, remember? And to do that, first we must make a statement! And what better way to do it than a flawless victory? (snaps her fingers) So put me up and I'll show everyone how it's done! You wouldn’t want to disappoint… (grins slyly) Wouldn’t you?

(The other campers, to Azula’s surprise, nod their heads)

Bridget: I disagree! I mean, wouldn’t it be better for the entire team to make the winning statements instead of just you?

Azula: (composes herself) Well, of course! Why did I forget this sooner? Thanks for reminding me! I guess Azula’s Wrath can't possibly be the greatest if none of you can show off your perfection in the spotlight!

Bridget: Thanks, Azula! I won't forget this!

CONFESSIONAL - AZULA

Azula: (puffing her cheeks in annoyance) Pfft - all the things I have to do to keep my subordinates happy and obedient! (sighs as she calms down) Oh well. It’ll still work out for me in the end. If Bridget wins, I’m more popular than ever. If she loses, that’s more ammunition to prove that only I can bring Azula’s Wrath to salvation. Either way, I win!

(End of confessional. Meanwhile, Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men also discuss among themselves)

Super Macho Man: (angry) WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME?

Strandberg: (calmly, with a flat facial expression) I said what I said, Super Macho Man. The problem is, with all the donuts you’ll be stuffing into your mouth, you’ll no longer be the perfect specimen of a man you claim to be. Just imagine how fat you’ll be.

Super Macho Man: (while being held back by Tetsuya & Oldbag) HEY! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME FAT!!!

Strandberg: That’s the truth, I’m sorry to report. If you want to win, you need to pick someone with an unlimited appetite. (as everyone stares at him) NOT ME!

Oldbag: I’ll do it.

Super Macho Man: No! You’re too old!

Tetsuya: What about me, crab?

Super Macho Man: No! Too weird!

Poppy: (plucking up all her courage to volunteer) Then… pick me!

Super Macho Man: And why should I?

Poppy: (with growing confidence) Because I’m a Goddess, that’s why! (briefly pauses) Gods like me don’t need to consume human food. Pick me, and I’ll eat all the donuts before you can say ‘cheese’!

(Super Macho Man hesitates to do anything) 

Strandberg: I would do it if I were you. None of us has what it takes to eat donuts for hours on end. Not me, nor Tetsuya, nor Aira, nor any of us. If what she says is true, Poppy is our way towards victory.

Super Macho Man: Fine by me. Poppy, you’re up!

Poppy: Thank you! You can leave this to me!

(Finally, we focus on the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club as they try to decide who to send out)

Beefy Bert: Put me in!

Amy: No, me!

Kengo: No, I’m not recommending any of you! Bert, you’re fat, but we already know that looks aren’t everything. Amy, I looked up how well you did during your last stay at Total Drama: Fourth camper eliminated! That's a bad stat to trust you with such a hard challenge!

Amy: (offended) GRAH!!! You take back that insult right now! And who are you to make the orders? You’re just a simple intern! You’re not even part of the team!

Kengo: I’m a stand-in for the role of team strategist and negotiator until Kisaragi-kun can get perfect English.

Hiro: Let Bree have a go!

(Everyone turns to see Hiro, Gentaro & Bree standing to one side)

Bree: Huh? Why me?

Emma: Yeah, why do you want her? I don’t get it!

Hiro: Just hear me out, guys! Give her a chance! I know things have gotten off to a rocky start with her, but I feel like we’ve got a good chance with her! With her superhuman superhero powers, we’ll get through this just fine!

Bree: But… haven’t you forgotten? I’m nothing like you or Gentaro or Emma or the rest of you! I’m a… I’m a freaky, horrible monster!

Hiro: Eh? Don’t say those kinds of things about yourself! You’re still you, aren’t you?

Emma: Yeah! I mean, even if you look different or look different, at the end of the day, you’re still yourself on the inside! You haven’t lost yourself to your new form, haven’t you?

(Bree pauses, then reluctantly nods)

Emma: (smiles) Have some confidence in yourself! There’s got to be some benefits to being a vampire! Like… being able to run super fast or not needing to eat or drink, or maybe… (pauses) the fact that your skin sparkles so beautifully under the sun!

Bree: You really think that?

(Emma & Hiro continue to try and convince Bree. Meanwhile, Gentaro has been silently stuttering, trying to find the right words to say amidst his limited English vocabulary)

Gentaro: (quietly) Uhh… I… Err… (pauses) わかった! (clears his throat, then points at Bree with a smile) Bree-chan! Time to stand tall! Stop thinking yourself as Bree the Monster and start thinking yourself as just Bree!

(Everyone in the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club stops for a brief moment, in complete awe of Gentaro’s motivational speech. Bree & Kengo most of all. Beefy Bert & Amy are lost for words)

Kengo: (thinking) Kisaragi-san, you never change… Always trying to befriend everybody, even at the expense of yourself. (grins slightly) That’s why I like you, Kisaragi-san.

Hiro: (to an awestruck Bree) Broken English aside, I don’t think Emma and I could've said it better ourselves! Don’t let your new life as a vampire or your hatred for it define who you are! Think of it as something that’s simply a part of you.

Emma: (lightly strokes Bree’s forehead) From the way I see it, you’re just a cute little girl who just so happens to be a vampire and our teammate! Nothing wrong with that!

Gentaro: I don’t care… (stutters) neither do us, and… (pauses as he stutters again neither should you! 

(Kengo and the other members of the club give a round of applause)

Kengo: That was one wonderful motivational speech! I’d expect nothing less from Kamen Rider Fourze! Now, since the team leader is vouching for her, and if everyone is okay with it, I’m picking Bree Tanner to represent our team in this challenge!

(Bree blushes as Gentaro, Hiro and Emma congratulate her)

CONFESSIONAL - BREE

Bree: (in high spirits) I’ve never come across anyone willing to accept me for who I am until today. Everyone else I’ve met across the multiverse have either ran away from me or tried to kill me! It feels so refreshing to have people like Hiro, Gentaro and Emma. People I can trust! And… you know something? From now on, I’m gonna stop feeding on human blood! I’ll find other ways to get my weekly blood supply!

(End of confessional)

Chris: (blows a klaxon) TIME’S UP!

Green Jacket Intern: Those representing their teams, step forward!

(Mineta, Poppy, Bridget, and Bree step towards the four tables)

Chris: Excellent! Now, sit down at the tables and get ready to get all those cream donuts! They would’ve been chocolate ring donuts if the shopper hadn’t messed up! (glares at the British Intern as the four campers sit down) YOU! Why didn’t you get the Chocolate Donuts I asked for? These dong-shaped monstrosities aren’t real donuts!

Wakiya: Yeah! Why do you seem incapable of following basic instructions?

British Intern: Ain't me fault, mate! None of the stores in the mainland were sellin' the chocolate ring donuts yer wanted! Oi! They only 'ad pipe-shaped cream donuts! Honest, guv! I don’t get the craze behind them either!

Chris: We have a lot to talk about during the next paycheck discussion. (clears his throat as he turns to the campers) Campers! Chef and I will be watching from the sidelines. Newt here (points at the British Intern) has a stopwatch with a lap function that will help you know how long you’ve been eating for. Zan Partizanne & this guy (points at the Green Jacket Intern) will be judging, monitoring your condition and making sure you don’t get up to mischief. Ready?

Hatchet: (puts a plate containing lots of cream donuts on each table) I’ll be back to restock every now and then. Are you ready?

(Mineta, Poppy, Bridget and Bree ready themselves for an epic clash of wills as their teammates cheer for them in the background)

Chris: Ready? And… EAT!

(Chris blows his whistle while Next starts the stopwatch at the same time. And with that, The Stomachthon begins. Poppy, Bridget and Bree begin chowing through their first cream donut as fast as they can, like any normal human would, with the support of their respective teammates behind them. Mineta, on the other hand, being a dwarf-sized midget, can only take pint-sized bites of the first donut with his tiny teeth. The rest of the Fifth Cohort can only watch on with disappointment)

Sly: That’s the so-called donut loving superhero we chose to represent us?

Sayaka: (whispers quietly to Serena) If you ask me, it’s like… (hesitates) Like he doesn’t wanna eat them!

Serena: (uncharacteristically deadpan) I agree.

Sly: And guess who's responsible for this mess? (glares at Luke) No prices for guessing correctly!

Luke: (defensively) What? What kind of tyrannical autocrat would I be if I didn't adhere to other people's wishes?

(Sly shrugs. Meanwhile, Newt is staring at the stopwatch)

Newt: One minute dahn! Keep it comin'!

Zan Partizanne: They’re doing good.

(We fast forward to five minutes into the Stomachthon. Bree & Poppy are in the lead, eating through their third donut as fast as humanly possible. Bridget is lagging behind a little, nearly done with her second donut. Mineta, on the other hand, is still on the first donut, clearly struggling)

Mineta: (exhausted) Gotta… keep… eating…

Emma: (concerned) What’s up with Mineta?

Oldbag: Sounds like he's struggling. Could he be allergic?

Beat: That can't be true, peeps! He was going up and down like a roller coaster about how much he loved donuts!

Oldbag: In that case, he might be at his limit. He is a tiny man, after all.

(Right on cue, Mineta gurgles. His mouth foams up and he faints, falling off his chair as he does so)

Newt: (clicks the stopwatch) FIVE MINUTES FIFTEEN SECONDS! Minoru Mineta is first out! Oi!

Chris: And there you have it! (as Zan Partizanne & the Green Jacket Intern drag Mineta off his chair) First camper down, three to go!

Luke: Dammit! I'm such an idiot.

Sly: That’s correct, motherfucker.

Azula: (grins) Just two campers left before we secure our perfect victory.

(Bridget, Bree and Poppy take no notice as they are too busy eating)

Poppy: (thinking) I could do this all day without getting sick… I hope. As a goddess, I don’t need to eat human food - why would I when we have our own food? With this, I can keep on scoffing on these without suffering any bad effects!

Bridget: (with her mouth full) These donuts are delicious! Just what I'd expect from Southern England! YUM-MEE!

Bree: (to herself, as she goes through the donuts) I’m almost through my third donut! If I can keep it up, I’ll overtake Poppy in no time! (as she puts the last of the 3rd donut in her mouth) Even though I’m a miserable, self-hating bloodsucker, these donuts are delicious! I wonder… does that mean I can still eat and drink human food and drinks too?

(Bree finishes the 3rd donut, going to the 4th one almost immediately. We fast-forward a couple more minutes later. Bridget, Bree and Poppy are still going strong. The latter two are at their 6th donut, while Bridget is almost done with her 5th)

Newt: Ten minutes dahn! 'oo wants ter win?

Wakiya: Hey! Bridget ain’t doing half bad! Just some extra motivation, and we’ll be in the lead!

Aira: WOO!!! GO POPPY!!!

Emma: You’re doing great out there, Bree! (turns to Beefy Bert) Isn’t she?

Beefy Bert: (shrugs) I dunno. She’s not in first!

(We fast-forward another five minutes. Bree & Poppy are on their 8th donut, showing no sign of slowing down. Bridget, on the other hand, is starting to slow down. All those donuts are giving her a rather bloated belly. She is currently on her 6th donut)

Wakiya: Hurry up and finish this, Bridget! You can’t afford to lose! You wouldn’t be able to live it down if you did!

Bridget: (mouth full) I’m trying! (almost chokes)

Beat: Pace yourselves, dude!

ENA: Yeah! What he said!

Oldbag: You’re doing great out there, Poppy! Keep it up!

Strandberg: Win to keep Super Macho Man’s sanity in check!

Super Macho Man: HEY!

Gentaro: GO BREE-SAN!

Hiro: You can do it!

Bridget: (rubs her large belly) I’m so full. I wanna stop.

Chris: (gleefully runs over to Bridget’s table) Oh ho! Do we have a quitter?

Bridget: Yes please! I can’t eat anymore!

Chris: Thank you. Newt, we have a quitter! Gimme the time!

Newt: (presses the stopwatch) Fifteen minutes, seventeen seconds! Bridget is out!

Dave: Aw man! She was doing very well!

Wakiya: She’s never gonna live this down, I swear!

(Azula groans with disappointment… but then quickly smirks to herself. Win or lose, the plan is working)

Chris: Two campers left! Let's make this a golden competition!

(Bree & Poppy try to speed up their eating, amidst the roaring crowds. We fast-forward another fifteen minutes, where they are both struggling, but otherwise fine. Both are at their 15th donut)

Newt: Thirty minutes dahn’! If some bloke wants ter quit, right, now's the bloody time!

Amy: Don’t quit, Bree! We're so close!

(Gentaro briefly glances at Amy, having taken note of her uncharacteristically supportive outburst)

Beefy Bert: I dunno how well we're doing, but I know we're doing great!

Super Macho Man: Make your Super Macho leader proud!

Tetsuya: Errr… what he said, crab!

Poppy: (to herself as she finishes the 15th donut) Why… won’t she… give up?

Bree: (to herself as she finishes the 15th donut) Gotta… keep… going! I will… make… Gentaro, Hiro and Emma… the only ones who believed in me… (starts the 16th donut) PROUD!!

Emma: (to Bree) That’s the way! Keep going!

(We fast-forward ten minutes later, where Poppy has just started on the 19th donut. Bree, however, is almost done with donut No. 19)

Newt: Forty minutes dahn! Could some bloke just give over already?

Hiro: Almost an hour! We’re almost there! 

Strandberg: Don’t you dare let those superhero fanatics win!

(Poppy tries to speed up her eating, but simply cannot catch up with Bree, who is surging ahead)

Poppy: (thinking) Dammit! Not now! (as she struggles to chew) Why couldn’t… I hold my… appetite? I thought I could!

Bree: (thinking) I feel like I could continue eating forever! I’m nearly at twenty donuts and I don’t even have a tummy ache! Could this be something from my vampire biology? Could it be that I can eat as much as I want and suffer no conseque…

(As if on cue, Bree suddenly stops eating. She clutches her head with her right arm as if she was suffering from nausea and dizziness. Her entire world suddenly starts spinning. Her cheeks puff up as if she were trying to hold something back. Finally, she takes a deep breath… and retches out all the food she’d ate out of her mouth and onto the plate. Everyone watches in disgust)

Hatchet: Ew! That is nasty!

Zan Partizanne: I don’t like this disgusting vomit one bit!

Newt: I do! It means that the bloomin' challenge is over!

(Even the campers are watching in disgust)

Azula: URGH! How undignified!

Luke: So many donuts eaten in forty minutes! That’s a lot of barf!

Serena: (sympathetically) Poor Bree…

Emma: Bree! Bree! Are you okay?

(Bree does not respond, as she is too busy vomiting. Poppy is still eating)

Oldbag: Look at that! Poppy’s going strong! Victory is ours!

Chris: Not quite! Even if Bree is vomiting out, she still has the lead. As long as Poppy has enough room for a twentieth donut, your team can win!

Aira: Really? (gets pumped up) YOU CAN DO IT, POPPY-SAN! BEAT BREE-SAN’S RECORD!

(Poppy begins her 20th donut as Bree continues to vomit. Slowly but surely, she manages to eat her way through the winning snack. Finally, after swallowing the last of the rip-off, sugar coated hot dog, she burps. Chris runs towards the table just as Bree finishes vomiting)

Poppy: I’m done! (sighs)

Chris: Ladies and gents, we have a winner! (raises Poppy’s hand) Newt, gimme the times!

Newt: (clears his throat) Bree Tanner, yer vomited out at the bloomin' forty minute, ffirty-one second mark. Poppy, since yer managed ter eat one more donut than 'er, yor the chuffin' official winner of The bloody Stomachffon. That also makes yor team today's winners!

Chris: (cuts in front of Newt) You heard that right, viewers! The winner of today’s challenge is none other than… (points to Poppy’s team) SUPER MACHO MAN’S SUPER MACHO MEN!!!

(Super Macho Man flexes his muscles while hurling all sorts of cuss words at the other teams. Meanwhile, the rest of his team celebrates like normal. Poppy runs over to her teammates)

Strandberg: Hmm. I could say that you did a job well done… and I will! (thinking) Never mind the fact that Poppy got lucky.

Aira: (excitedly) POPPY-SAN! YOU DID IT! (gives Poppy a big hug) YOU’VE MADE US ALL FEEL HAPPY LUCKY!!!

Poppy: Urk! You’re hugging me too tight!

(Serena & Luke walk up to Aira & Poppy)

Serena: You did great out there. Great job!

Poppy: Thanks! That means a lot!

Luke: Με εξέπληξες εκεί έξω. Δεν πίστευα ότι θα μπορούσες να κρατήσεις το μεσημεριανό σου για τόσο πολύ!

Poppy: Well… (remembers what Luke said about gods at the start of the show) Ας πούμε ότι είμαι μοναδικός στο είδος μου!

(Luke & Poppy laugh as Serena stands there, confused. Meanwhile, Azula is talking to her team)

Azula: (continuing from a previous sentence) …And that is why you should leave most of the stuff to me. I gave you a chance, and yet you failed. You know what that means, don’t you? (casts a glare at Bridget)

Bridget: (feeling intimidated) Sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll do better next time!

Azula: Don’t bother. Next time, leave the individual challenges in my perfect hands!

(Meanwhile, a miserable Bree returns to her teammates)

Bree: (sighs) I’m sorry, guys. I thought I could hold it in…

Hiro: (puts his arms around his head) Eh, don’t worry about it. Not all of us can eat lots of food in one sitting! All that matters is that you did your best, and your best brought us to second place!

(Everyone else in the team nods. Gentaro and Hiro walk over to give Bree Gentaro’s signature friendship handshake. This gives a smile on her face)

Bree: Thanks, guys! You made my day! (to herself) But why did I vomit all of that food? I should've been able to digest it like a normal person!

Kengo: I'll look into what happened tonight. For now, let’s go home and celebrate a solid result!

CONFESSIONAL - BREE

Bree: (beaming from ear to ear) You know what? I think I’ve found a place where I finally belong!

(End of confessional)

Chris: Alright! Super Macho Man’s Super Macho Men, you get to enjoy free unrestricted access to the beach for the rest of the day!

Kengo: (to his teammates, as Super Macho Man’s team cheer) Or we can join their beach party instead.

Hatchet: (skids in front of Kengo) OH NO YOU DON’T! That reward is for the winning team ONLY!

Multiversal Kamen Rider Club: (disappointed) Aw!

Chris: As for the losing team… (points at the Fifth Cohort) You will follow me to the confessional booth, where you will individually cast votes to determine who among your team will be eliminated from the competition. And then later tonight, we will hold a campfire ceremony by the beach to see who is that unlucky camper.

(Everyone in the Fifth Cohort glares at Mineta)

Chris: And be off!

(The teams leave to do their own thing. Later that night, the Fifth Cohort walk through the darkness towards the beach. Everyone is in a bad mood because of Mineta, with the exception of the nervous Mineta and a curious Serena)

Sayaka: (to Serena) Uhh… excuse me?

Serena: (turns her head to face Sayaka) Hmm?

Sayaka: (quietly, with some uncertainty) I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you so happy? You could be the first to leave!

Serena: I’m just curious to see how these things work!

(Sayaka nods to herself as she, Serena and the rest of their team make their way towards the torch-lit beach. There are six log benches circling a campfire, with Chris & Chef Hatchet standing opposite the benches. A banner with the words ‘Elimination Ceremony’ is hung between two coconut palm trees)

Luke: We’re here.

Sly: (grins deviously) This is where the fun begins.

(The Fifth Cohort sit down at the benches)

Chris: Welcome, campers, to the Elimination Ceremony! Very shortly, we’ll be finding out the identity of the first unlucky camper to leave this island! But first, hand over your vote slips to the Chef!

(Chef Hatchet walks across the benches, carrying a metal bucket. Each campers drops their vote slip into the bucket. Once the last camper drops his, Chef makes his way to the front)

Hatchet: Thank you. (clears his throat) Luke Castallan. You chose Mineta to participate in the challenge. As team leader, you should bear some responsibility. Good intentions or not, your decision cost your team the victory. (glares at Mineta) Minoru Mineta. I’ve been getting unflattering reports on your perverted tendencies. On top of that, you were TERRIBLE at The Stomachthon! I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire team voted for you to go!

Mineta: Why me? I’m a wonderful superhero!

Luke: What kind of terrible tyrant would I be if I did everything by myself? I…

Chris: (interjecting) That’s enough! (clears his throat) It is time to find out who will be the first to leave the competition! With a unanimous vote of 5-1, the first camper out of Total Drama is…

(We hear a drum roll as the Fifth Cohort tense themselves in anticipation)

Chris: MINORU MINETA!

(No gasps or anything else come from the Fifth Cohort. It was as if they were expecting it)

Hatchet: HAH! I KNEW IT!

Mineta: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Luke & Sly: YES!

Chris: Mineta, your time on the island is over. Do you have anything to say before we send you away?

Mineta: (jumping up and down) NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! THIS VOTE WAS RIGGED AGAINST MY…

(Chris snaps his fingers. A purple portal opens above Mineta’s head, sucking him through into the Dark Nebula)

Chris: And that’s one camper gone!

Paya: (nervously) Uhh… where did you send him?

Chris: (shrugs) I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s just a faster way to transport eliminated campers back where they belong.

Sly: Who did Mineta vote for? (Chris points at him specifially) Oh. Should’ve figured it out!

Chris: Anyway, that’s all for today! Viewers, you just saw the elimination of the first camper in this wonderful show! I wouldn’t say it was a surprise, because it wasn’t! Who will be the second to join him? Find out only on Total… Drama… PANEL CHANNELRAMA!!!!

(It’s midnight. The full moon shines upon the Multiversal Kamen Rider Club’s house. Inside, Bree is lying awake in her bedroom)

Bree: (sighs) Why can’t I fall asleep?

(A knock comes on the door. Kengo enters immediately after)

Bree: (sits up) I didn’t say you could come in.

Kengo: Can’t sleep? Don’t worry, that’s part of your vampire biology - you don’t need any. Although I’m sure you could if you tried hard enough.

Bree: What about the vomiting earlier?

Kengo: Also part of your biology. Since your diet now consists of blood, you have no need for human food and drinks. You can still take them in, but your body’s inability to digest them means you have to vomit them out shortly after consumption.

Bree: (disappointed) Oh…

Kengo: So if I were you, I’d find an alternate blood source. We can’t have you biting the necks of humans all the time. It’s a major security risk.

Bree: Don’t worry! I’ve already got an alternate source! Also… (pauses) I think I’ll continue eating normal food.

Kengo: Why? Your body will reject it every time!

Bree: I just wanna feel the taste of it in my tongue.

Kengo: Fair point. I’ll leave you alone for now. Goodnight!

(Kengo leaves the bedroom and shuts the door behind him. Bree, feeling relieved thanks to the disclosure, lies back down on her bed, pulling the duvet up to her shoulders. She stares at the curtains. Her eyelids, through no fault of her own, start feeling heavy and before she knows it, she’s somehow fallen asleep. At the same time, Luke is in the living room of his team’s home, sharpening a spear on his lap)

Luke: (thinking) One of a kind… what did she mean?

Serena: (unexpectedly enters the room) Luke? Do you have time?

Luke: Sure do. (as Serena plops down on the sofa next to him) Something you wanna talk about.

Serena: (sadly) Yeah. It’s Sayaka.

Luke: (curious) Hmm? Is something up with her? 

Serena: Guess you could say that. (takes out her phone) I was browsing videos of Sayaka’s performances until I found this.

(Serena shows Luke the picture on her phone. It is an image of Sayaka’s corpse lying in a bathroom with a stab wound and blood everywhere, from the original Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc game. Luke’s eyes widen with disbelief)

Luke: Dude, what the hell?! How old is this picture?

Serena: I think it’s fifteen years old, give or take.

Luke: That old? (puts his spear down) So Sayaka Maizono died once in the past… but here she is, alive and kicking. How is that possible?

(Serena doesn’t reply, owing to not having an answer)

Luke: (in deep thought) If the photo is correct, Sayaka died sometime in 2010. The Sayaka with us seems to be the same age as the one in the picture. If she was magically resurrected, she must have been brought back to life very recently; otherwise, she’d be fifteen years older than the girl in the team with us. The only conclusion I can make is that Chris and the producers must have revived her for the sake of this show.

Serena: I don’t think so! I remember Emma and Aira saying that she participated in a multiversal singing contest earlier in the year. She can’t have been revived right before this show if that were the case!

Luke: That rings true as well. (leans back on the sofa) But that just begs the question: If Chris didn’t resurrect Sayaka, who did?

(Luke and Serena glance at each other, unable to find an answer. Upstairs in her bedroom, Sayaka is lying in her bed, looking at photos of Makoto Naegi and her old idol group. Tears run down her face as she reflects on the fatal mistakes she made in the past)

Sayaka: (quietly) Oh, Makoto… I wish I could meet you again, say that I’m sorry for what I did to you… (sniffles) Girls… if only I knew what happened to you…

(Sayaka puts the photos on the bedside table as the midnight moon shines upon the house)