Archive of Our Own ^beta

The VHS tape whirs to life in the player, the screen flickering as it reads the tape. Trembling hands pull back as a familiar face comes into focus in front of the camera.

“How do I start this again?” The subject says, clearly nervous. “Shit being in front of the camera is way more difficult than I thought.” Presumably sweaty hands are wiped off onto well worn jeans before grabbing the open beer bottle to the right.

“Let’s just start with an introduction?” The soft voice behind the camera says before adjusting the angle just a bit, zooming out to get all of the subject's body fully into view.

“Right, makes sense,” a wry smile ghosts over a scarred face and the subject coughs before taking a heart swig of the beer. “My name is Van Palmer, I’m, uh, old enough to know better, I suppose. I run, ran, a small video store in bumfuck Ohio.”

That gets a sad sounding laugh from whoever is behind the camera before Van continues.

“I’m recording this to, I guess, give you the rest of me,” Van scrubs at her face with a free hand before looking earnestly into the camera. “I know I kept a lot from you and I’m taking the coward's way out by leaving this for you to find after I’m dead but…”

“But?” The recorder asks leadingly.

“Fuck, I love you so much and I just couldn’t add to everything in your life by dropping this on you while you still had to worry about me. You’re sleeping in the other room right now actually.” A self deprecating laugh comes out and Van sniffles.

“How about we start over?” The person behind the camera asks softly, clearly seeing that Van is overwhelmed.

“Yeah, okay. Are we good to go?” Van looks up past the camera and then nods once, looking back into the lens.

“My name is Van Palmer and I’m non-binary. I’ve gone by they/them for the better part of a decade now. I think I’ve always known something was different about me and I’m recording this so you can, hopefully, understand me a little better after I’m gone,” Van ends the speech with a sigh and another swig of their beer before the camera cuts.

Laura Lee is only 5 years old when she notices something different in her friend. Not in a bad way because God makes everyone in his image (she still doesn’t understand how God can look like every single person ever but she trusts him) and that means while her friend is different that doesn’t mean she’s bad.

“Vanessa- Van, sorry, you know Randy plays rough. Why do you keep trying to play with the boys?” Laura Lee feels bad about calling Van by the wrong name, it always seemed to hurt the other girl when someone said her full name but she hopes God will forgive her.

Van sniffles a little, trying hard not to cry while Laura Lee tries her best to use her school dress to wipe up some blood coming out of her scraped up knee.

“It shouldn’t matter if he’s a boy, I’m tougher than any stupid boy,” Van complains in a huff once she’s sure she won’t cry.

Laura Lee looks at her friend then. Blue eyes are still misty as they look out to the boys still playing rough with each other. She has the same face that she makes when cupcakes are passed out for a birthday. She wants something.

Laura Lee needs to put a stop to it before Vanessa- Van gets herself hurt again.

“My daddy says boys are like bricks and girls are like dolls. Boys can be thrown around and be fine but girls are supposed to sit and be pretty.” Laura Lee smiles, hoping Van cheers up. 

Laura Lee’s daddy had told her that after she had got upset over not being able to play outside with the trailer park boys. It had helped her make sense of why she couldn’t roughhouse with the boys. She liked being pretty after all. 

Her favourite day of the week was Sunday mornings when her mommy would let her put on pretty dresses and twirl them around before church.

But Van’s look sours even more for some reason. She stands up and crosses her arms, kicking rocks with her worn out sneakers.

“What if I don’ wanna be pretty. It's not fair boys can do whatever and girls just have to sit. Being a girl is stupid. Maybe I don’ wanna be a girl.” Her face is making a weird face that Laura Lee doesn’t know the word for. It’s like Van was mad but also sad at the same time.

“Well I like being a girl,” Laura Lee tries, not really knowing what Van wanted her to say. “And you like me so you must like being a girl.” It doesn’t even sound right in her head but she just wants Van to stop being so upset.

Van looks at her, huffing like Laura Lee was stupid before dropping her hands into tight fists.

“You just don’t get it.”

Laura Lee can feel birds flapping around in her tummy at the look that’s now at her. She doesn’t like when people are mean to her but Van is her best friend and she wants to make this right. 

She takes just a second before she knows what she needs to do. This never failed to cheer her up so it has to work on Van.

“Come to Sunday School with me,” Laura Lee says, maybe just a bit too loud because Van flinches just a little bit. “It’s really fun and we get snacks Miss Emma brings us,” she tries again, knowing Van doesn’t always have food at home and hoping that would be enough to get her friend to come with her.

“Snacks?” She sounds unsure so Laura Lee puts on the widest smile she can and nods a big nod.

“She makes us cupcakes and sometimes she passes out candy.”

“I’ll ask my mom,” Van says as the teacher whistles, telling them it’s the end of recess.

“My daddy can come pick you up early so we can get ready together!” Laura Lee says excitedly. “I have lots of pretty dresses you can pick from!”

Van stops walking all of a sudden, making Laura Lee almost bump into her.

“Wha-,” Laura Lee says before Van interrupts her.

“Do I have to wear a dress?” Her blue eyes are tearing up again and shoot! She said the wrong thing again! 

The teacher blows her whistle again and looks at the two of them and Laura Lee notices that they are the only two still outside so she grabs her friend's arm and starts walking quickly.

“Of course not, you can wear whatever you want, God loves everyone no matter what you wear.”

-

Laura Lee thinks about recess with Van later that night before bed. Her friend was hurt on the outside but she seemed to hurt on the inside even more. But why would Van be hurt by not playing with boys? And why would she be hurt by wearing a dress?

Laura Lee knows it has to be about wearing any dress and not just her own because he daddy always tells her she has the prettiest dresses and he never lies so it has to be any dress Van doesn’t like.

Thinking this hard always makes Laura Lee sleepy so she kneels beside her bed and brings her hands together.

“Dear God, please help my best friend. She seems sad.”

“I was 5 I think, the first time something clicked for me. I remember wanting to play with the boys at recess but they were rough. Way more rough than with the other boys. I guess they didn't want a ‘girl’ playing with them,” Van laughs a little before continuing. “I never wanted to play with the girls and their pretend house because I always got weird looks at wanting to be the dad every time.” 

“What did you realize?” The camera person prompts, getting Van back on track.

“Well,” Van scratches the back of their head, looking sheepish. “I wouldn’t say I realized anything, really. More like it was when I started to realize I was different from the other girls. Different from the boys too. I, uh, always felt out of place going back and forth between them but that day. Laura Lee was trying to cheer me up after I scraped my knees pretty bad after Randy fucking Walsh shoved me to the ground. She was talking about how boys and girls were different or some shit and how I just needed to stay in my lane.”

“I’m sure she said it a lot nicer but that’s what I got out of it,” Van laughs a little, finally relaxing into the sofa just a bit. “I remember the look she had on her face when I said I don’t want to be a girl, pure confusion, never seen anyone look that way since. Anyway, she ended up inviting me to Sunday school and the only thing I could think to ask was if I had to wear a dress. ‘Cause if I had to wear one, I was out,” Van makes a cutting gesture with their free hand before throwing their head back with laughter.

“What next?”

“I think the next time…” Van looks off in thought for a couple of seconds before looking directly into the camera, a wide grin on their face. “Oh, you’ll love this one.

Vicky stumbles through the hallway, grabbing onto a table to stabilize herself before she falls. She thinks maybe she drank too much this time, given the fact that she’s already thrown up on herself and it’s not even noon. Good thing she doesn’t have a job to go to later.

She laughs to herself at the thought as she slams open the bathroom door. 

“Mom!” Vanessa screams out, a look of pure terror in her eyes as Vicky stumbles into the bathroom. Why is she so scared, it’s not like Vicky didn’t change her fucking diapers. But then Vicky’s vision clears up just a bit and she looks down to her daughter.

And maybe she’s even drunker than she thought because Vanessa is standing to pee? Or at least trying, and getting piss all over the toilet seat and floor.

Before she can tell her kid to stop fucking around and use the bathroom like a normal girl she feels her last fifth of whiskey coming up, acrid and painful as it claws it’s way way up her already sore throat.

It makes a disgusting splash as it falls to the floor, splattering across the lower part of the wall and onto Van’s shitty shoes Vicky still needs to replace.

Everything is blissfully silent as Vicky gathers herself. She squeezes her eyes shut and wills all the patience the Lord can grant her in this moment. Slowly she opens her eyes and looks at her daughter.

“Clean this up, Vanessa, and piss like a girl for fucks sake you're like what? 7 now? You fuckin’ know better,” she leaves the room then, heading towards the sink in the kitchen to wash out her mouth. 

It’s bad enough her only kid is probably a dyke, but trying to piss like a fucking boy? She wonders why God decided to punish her.

Surely she hadn’t done something so awful that she deserves this.

“So I don’t know where this thought came from but I was convinced for about 2 weeks that if I wasn’t a girl I had to secretly be a boy. Except I didn’t know what the difference between me and boys were, I only knew they peed standing up,” Van gives a little grin as they take another swig of their beer.

“Well, one day I finally got up the courage to pee standing up, except I forgot Vicky was home. So I’m in the bathroom, pants around my ankles trying to piss in the toilet while standing and getting it everywhere. And then I hear a crash outside the door while I’m still peeing. And then the door slams open and Vicky stops dead in her tracks for a solid 3 seconds before barfing everywhere. And I mean everywhere, it was on the walls, on the floor, it got onto the side of the toilet and my clothes. And then she just looks at me before saying something like “For fucks sake Vanessa piss like a girl’ before she stumbled out of the bathroom.”

I think that whole experience helped me realize I wasn’t a boy but it also made me more confused because if I wasn’t a boy, why was I feeling all of these feelings? Very confusing for a 7 year old,” Van chuckles before saluting with their beer before standing up, “To a better piss this time!” And then they begin to walk out of frame before the camera cuts.

It’s right after Nat’s 9th birthday party in the classroom that she realizes maybe Van has something else going on. She’s trying to hide it but she seems really upset. Natalie doesn’t really know what’s wrong and she knows asking will just make Van mad so she just decides to sit next to her friend and wait it out.

It’s only after they are already on their walk home and after Laura Lee had disappeared into her house that Van says anything about why she’s been upset the whole day.

“It’s just stupid,” Van says, adjusting her torn up backpack on her shoulders as she kicks rocks ahead of her. Nat doesn’t know what she’s talking about so she stays quiet.

“It shouldn’t fucking matter if I'm not a fucking boy,” Van says, spitting out the curses into the air. They had both been trying out cursing and Nat thinks it makes them both sound super cool and mature. “I mean, I’m just as strong as any of the boys so why can’t I help pick up chairs. I hate being a fucking girl.”

Nat is kind of lost on why Van is so upset over this. Sure, Nat also likes when the teacher lets her move big things and all the girls talk about how strong she is but she’s never upset over not being allowed to.

Van stops walking and Nat does too. The brunette looks down to her chucks, scraping them across the gravel before looking up to Van. She seems to need some time to think about what she wants to say so Nat just waits again.

“Sometimes,” Van whispers out, looking around like she would get in trouble if anyone overheard, “sometimes I wish I wasn’t a girl.” Van starts crying, just a little, like when she’s watching the Land Before Time with Nat and the mom dies. She’s not loud about it, there's just tears quietly falling down her face.

“Do you wanna be a boy?” Nat doesn’t really understand but it seems to be really important to Van, and if it’s important to Van, it’s important to Nat. 

She knows Van doesn’t wanna be a boy, not really. She sees how Van doesn’t like being around them and how she always complains about them being gross and smelly. But if she doesn’t wanna be a girl, what else could she be?

“No!” Van yells out before looking around with wide eyes to make sure no one overheard. She starts walking again and Nat falls back into step just like she always does on their walk home. “I just… I hate people look at me and see ‘girl’. I just want people to see me, y’know?”

“Not really,” Natalie says before quickly adding on “but I get it? Like you don’t wanna just do girl stuff and you don’t wanna just do boy stuff?” 

Van tilts her head back and forth a little, like Nat is half right so she just tries again. “So you don’t wanna be a boy, and you don’t wanna be a girl? You just wanna be you?”

Van looks at Nat then. She looks like how Nat feels when she drops her heavy backpack at the door to her house and doesn’t have a million pounds weighing her down.

“Fuck yeah!” Van exclaims excitedly as they enter the trailer park. She flashes Nat a toothy grin that has Nat’s legs bracing to take off. “Race you to your house?” She’s already running before she even finishes asking.

“No fair Van!” Nat yells even as she laughs and starts running to catch up.

“Oh, this one is fun,” Van says as the camera focuses back on them. They wiggle in their seat just a bit, pulling at their jeans until they sit just right. “So it was right after Nat’s birthday party in class in fourth grade. Mrs. Stevenson asked for a couple of big strong boys to help put the chairs back into place against the wall. I, of course, being the dashing young lad,” Van attempts a terrible British accent at that, “that I was, tried to help. But Mrs. Stevenson said that only the boys were strong enough to help and I was in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. Nat always knows what you're feeling, even when she was young. So she knew I was upset. But she didn’t know why, hell I barely knew. But she still listened.”

We were walking back home and I think it was right after Laura Lee got home that I broke and told her I hated being a girl. Except I think this was around the time we had discovered swearing so I’m sure there were a lot more expletives.” Van flashes a smile before looking off camera, face falling just a bit.

“She asked me if I wanted to be a boy, and by then, even as young as I was I knew the answer was no. So I told her that, I told her I just wanted to be me. I think neither of us really knew what to do with that. But she asked if I just wanted to be me and I think that’s the first time anyone really saw me for me, y’know?”

Van looks for approval past the camera and they flash whoever was recording a small grateful smile. 

“And then of course I raced her back to her shitty trailer and the rest was history,” Van makes a confusing hand gesture before whoever is behind the camera snorts and laughs.

It’s only a month into her 7th grade education that Taissa knew she fucked up. Really, she knew she fucked up when she couldn’t stop staring at Van. She doesn’t know why she keeps looking at the other girl so much.

Well okay she does, but she knows it’s supposed to be wrong for some reason. But up until just now Tai was sure Van was the same way so she didn’t see the harm in looking.

“What the fuck do you want Turner?” Van says once the last bell for classes rang and everyone else had left the building.

And shit Taissa may have been really wrong about Van, it seems. The redhead is walking across the steps towards her now, confident in her strides, taking up space in a way that makes Tai feel weird inside. But a good type of weird.

“I said what the fuck do you want?” Van is standing in front of her now, face close to Taissa’s own.

Tai scrambles for literally anything to say other than something that would get her sent to one of those Jesus camps she always hears about on TV. “Why do you, uh, why are you always dressed like a boy?”

And that may have been just as bad as saying she thinks Van is really pretty, or cute, or handsome. She’s not sure if you could call a girl handsome but if you could, Van would definitely fit.

Tai’s stomach drops when Van leans away, suddenly looking scared. Her eyes dart away and she takes a step back like she had just been hit and Tai scrambles to do damage control.

“I mean, it’s not a bad thing!” Tai reaches out for Van’s arm and is shocked when she isn’t brushed away. “I think, I mean, well, you look really cool like that. I hate that everyone always tries to look like Jackie.”

Tai knows she sounds super lame but Van must like what she said because she deflates just a little bit.

“Sorry,” Van starts out, looking down at her ratty sneakers Tai is pretty sure are like 2 sizes too small. “I guess I’m just used to people… I don’t know, being mean about it I guess. Nat told me I should be mean back, but I guess I’m not too good at that.” 

Van looks up then and woah. If Tai had thought Van was pretty/cute/handsome from a distance… She can feel her heart start beating hard and she’s never been happier superpowers aren’t real because she thinks she would die on the spot if Van heard it.

“No, I get it. I don’t know why I said that. I’ve always thought you were really cool, just being able to be yourself,” Tai says, she doesn’t know when it happened but her hand is on Van’s bicep now and she suddenly understands why all the other girls are always talking about boys’ arms.

“Really?” Tai nods and Van seems to brighten up just a bit and Tai may be imagining it but she may have flexed just a little too. “I’ve always thought you were super cool too. I mean the way you always knock Randy Walsh down is super funny,” Van says, blue eyes looking into Tai’s own.

“Well he’s an ass so he deserves it,” Tai snorts out, unsure why her hand feels stuck to Van.

“Yo, Van! What’s the hold up?” Natalie Scatorccio’s voice yells out by the parking lot, startling Van and Tai apart. Taissa can feel her face burning and she wishes for just a moment that she was dark enough that Van couldn’t see her blush. She settles for pursing her lips and looks as far to the side as she could.

“Yeah I’ll be right down!” Van calls out before tapping lightly on Tai’s forearm. “Listen I gotta go, but do you wanna hang out sometime? Nat’s cool too or it could just be us if you want?” 

Tai finds herself nodding along before Van even finishes and is grateful that Van suggested just the two of them hang out cause she’s not too sure she can get along with Natalie for that long.

“Cool, that’s really cool,” Van says, nodding her head in a way that makes her red hair bounce up and down and Tai gets the strange urge to run her fingers through it. Van starts to step away before she looks back to Tai again, a determined glint in her blue eyes. “And I don’t dress like a boy, y’know? At least not on purpose, I’m just me? I guess?”

“Van come on I don’t wanna miss the reruns!” Nat yells up at them again, impatiently pacing back and forth.

Van opens her mouth to say something else to Tai but Tai beats her to it. “I get it, you’re just you? Right?”

And if Tai thought Van was pretty/cute/handsome before, it’s nothing compared to how she looks flashing a wide toothy smile. Van runs off before Natalie can yell again and Tai rushes out a “See you, Palmer!” before they are out of earshot. The redhead waves excitedly before starting to walk beside Natalie.

The brunette looks at Tai for a second, clearly distrustful and Tai just rolls her eyes before taking a seat on the steps. Her dad said it would take him a little longer to pick her up today.

-

Tai thinks about her and Van’s interaction later that night and she comes away with two and a half conclusions. The half a conclusion was that Van was cool/beautiful/whatever she wants to be called. That only counts as a half cause Tai already knew that from all the time she’s spent watching Van from afar.

Her first actual conclusion is that she always needs to have something to say. She plans on being successful like both her parents and she’s never heard them stumble over words like she had when Van came up to her. It won’t do having people think she’s stupid just because she was caught off guard.

The second conclusion is that Van is more like her and a lot less like her than previously thought. Tai has of course suspected that Van was… like her, for a while now, just based on how she walked and talked and looked and acted. Tai may not fit stereotypes but Van certainly did.

But Van also seems to be different from Tai in a way that’s deeper than just looks. 

Whenever anyone would ask her if she was a boy or girl Van would always say she wasn’t a boy and she always looked uncomfortable until Natalie came by to tell them to fuck off. It always strikes Tai as odd that Van didn’t just say she was a girl. Because she clearly wasn’t a boy so that had to mean she was a girl, right?

Except, earlier today, it seemed really important to Van that she tell Taissa she was just her. 

Tai doesn’t know what any of it means, it seems like she’s just missing a piece of the puzzle and she’s not entirely sure Van knows what piece is missing either.

Whatever, as long as Nat doesn’t spit in her food or something tomorrow as some weird revenge for talking to her girlfriend or whatever she’s golden.

Shit. Taissa’s eyes shoot open. What if Van and Natalie were secretly dating? Tai knew that was a thing and she was gonna have to figure that out asap.

“The first time I talked to you, I mean really talked to you, we were in what, 7th? 8th grade? Somewhere around there. You had been staring at me for a while at that point. And you weren’t you then, either. I remember how you were always quiet, just stuck to your books and never knew what to say,” Van chuckles a bit to themself. “God, I thought you were the prettiest girl in the whole school, even back then. And you were so quiet and I wanted to talk to you so bad but I never did. But then Nat told me I needed to start being meaner so people would stop calling me a dyke so much.”

So, for some unknown reason, I decided to try out my new tough guy persona on you first and I think I scared the shit out of you. You were all quiet and I was some trailer trash in shitty clothes coming up to you like I was about to sock you in the face. And then I really was when you asked why I dressed like a boy. But then you called me cool and I kind of just melted. No one had ever called me cool except for Nat, but she was my best friend so she had to because of best friend rule, you get it,” Van gestures to behind the camera before continuing.

“Well you called me cool and then we talked for a little bit and you touched me and I felt like I was about to faint from the prettiest girl ever touching me. And I think I may have blacked out but I remember it being really important to me that I tell you I don’t dress like a boy. And you said the same thing Nat said years ago at that point. ‘You’re just you’.”

I think I fell in love with you, just a little bit that day.”

Jackie is on a mission. She’s just started her first year of high school on a massive high. She has Jeff Sadecki wrapped around her finger since she let him kiss her at last year's school dance and going into high school with a boyfriend is a must.

She also got promised by her parents that she could join the soccer team if she kept at least a 3.5 GPA. And with her super smart best friend Shauna, she’s positive she can do it.

And with all of the great things going on in her life she’s decided she is going to spread it around to everyone else. She already gave the poor trailer park girl Natalie tips on how to make her makeup less goth. She befriended Tai and is secretly helping her be nicer. She even comforted Mari Ibarra when she got dumped by the same boy twice.

Which, that last one was kind of lame if Jackie was being honest, boys come and go and were basically interchangeable so there is no use in getting hung up on any of them. 

But Jackie has an even better idea on how to spread positivity. 

“Shauna, you and Tai are friends right?” Jackie asks one afternoon after school. She and Shauna were both doing homework on Jackie’s bed. Shauna looks up with those big pretty brown eyes that Jackie must be jealous of because every time she looks at them for too long she gets a fluttery feeling in her stomach.

“Kind of, I guess. Why do you ask?” And it takes Jackie a second longer than it should have taken for her to answer on account of her obvious jealousy over how pretty Shauna’s mouth is.

“Well her and Van are friends right?” Jackie asks, trying to be normal about looking at her best friend. It used to not be like this, she used to be normal about Shauna but over the past like year and a half things have been different. 

It just hit Jackie randomly one day how beautiful Shauna really was and it hadn’t left her mind since. Jackie thought that once she had a boyfriend (and therefore no reason to be jealous) the feelings would go away but if anything, they were stronger.

But Jackie was getting better about it every day. She’s sure any day now she will be able to focus on her new boyfriend and not her best friend. 

Jackie feels herself nodding along to whatever Shauna has been saying- and oh crap she should be paying attention to that.

“Sorry,” Jackie interrupts. “What were you saying? I was kind of totally spacing out there.” She gives what she hopes is a genuine looking smile as Shauna hunches over a little more.

“What were you thinking about?” she asks in that tone of voice Jackie recognizes as the one she uses when she wants Jackie to know she’s upset but doesn’t want to say it outright.

“Just, uh,” Jackie knows she can’t say ‘thinking about how pretty you are’ so she goes with the safest answer. “Thinking about Jeff, he asked me out on a date this Saturday, but anyway that’s not important. Tai and Van are friends, right?”

Shauna huffs and rolls her eyes but nods anyway, clearly annoyed but still willing to hear Jackie out. Which, what’s new?

“Perfect, I was thinking about inviting them to a sleepover Saturday.” Jackie says as she moves about her bed, shoving her homework into her backpack so she has more room to paint her nails.

“Didn’t you just say Jeff asked you out on a date this Saturday?” Shauna asks and crap, she’s totally right. She looks totally confused so Jackie scrambles for a good sounding excuse as to why she was supposedly thinking about Jeff but forgot about their date.

“I told him no, you have to keep boys waiting, otherwise they get bored.” And now Jackie was totally going to have to cancel on Jeff (she totally was going to anyway). Shauna seems to accept that answer with a nod.

She also starts to put away her own homework as Jackie stands to pick out a nail polish color that will go good with her outfit she picked out for tomorrow.

“Lilac or baby blue?” Jackie asks absentmindedly as she looks over her steadily growing collection.

“Baby blue,” Shauna answers so fast that Jackie whips her head around to look at her. She’s looking down at her crossed legs and if Jackie didn’t know any better she would say Shauna’s face was red. “They go good with your eyes.” Shauna mumbles out.

And there's that feeling in her stomach again, the one Jackie is resolutely calling jealousy. She wonders if Shauna feels the same?

“Baby blue it is,” Jackie says as she bounces onto her bed, causing Shauna to bounce as well. Obediently, Shauna takes the polish and starts on Jackie's left hand. “You know how everyone is always saying mean things about Van?”

Shauna makes a soft hum as she moves from Jackie’s left pinky to her ring finger.

“Well I was thinking maybe I could help her out? Like, show her how to be a girl? Maybe her mom just never lets her do girl things,” Jackie is more confident in her plan the more she thinks about it. Everyone knows Van is dirt poor so that has to be the reason why she’s like that.

“I don’t know Jackie,” Shauna says without looking up, concentrating on Jackie’s nails. “Maybe that’s just who she is?”

“Nonsense,” Jackie brushes her off with a wave of her right hand. “Why would anyone wanna be like that? That’s just asking for rumors to be started about you.”

“Do you believe them?” Shauna asks, eyes intense as she looks up to meet Jackie’s gaze.

“It doesn’t matter if they are true, it just matters that people are saying them,” Shauna looks like she wants to push back, wants to argue that what people think doesn’t matter so Jackie rushes on. “And besides, I don’t think she’s ever been invited to a sleepover before, it will be good for her.”

-

“Hello Taissa and Van. Can we sit here?” Jackie asks, not even waiting for an answer before plopping her lunch tray onto the empty spot on the table across from Van and Tai. 

“You know I was just about to invite you over here anyway,” Van says and Jackie starts to smile before Tai snorts and gives the redhead a smack to her shoulder.

“Where’s your,” Tai does a weird hand wavy thingy towards the empty seat next to Jackie.

“Oh, Shauna's just in the bathroom, she’ll be here soon,” Jackie makes sure to sound bright and happy, hoping her good mood would be infectious and catch on to Taissa and Vanessa. Only the Lord knows how hard it is to get them to do anything they don’t want to do.

The due just shares a loaded look between them and Van just laughs before pushing food around her plate.

“I actually meant your boyfriend, Jeff Sadecki? You remember him?” Tai says, and sounds weirdly pleased about the whole exchange.

Luckily Jackie is saved from responding by Shauna showing up and gently putting her lunch tray down and sitting with a small ‘hello’ aimed at Taissa.

Van is still not looking up and Tai looks suspicious so Jackie decides the best course of action is to be as up front about her motives as possible. Tai always seemed to have a sixth sense for ulterior motives.

“Well, I, we,” Jackie gestures between her and Shauna and catches her friend giving an eyeroll before nodding along. “Were wondering if you guys would be down to have a sleepover at my place this Saturday?”

Van looks up then, gaze scrutinizing as she eyes Jackie up and down like she has some ulterior nefarious motive. Which, Jackie does have an ulterior motive but it’s not like it's nefarious in nature.

“What for?” Van asks, apprehension clear in her voice. Tai looks between the two of them, ever ready to jump in if need be. 

“We never get to hang out,” Shauna surprises everyone by talking. “And Jackie’s room is really cool and her parents don’t care if we stay up late.”

“Why us?” Tai says, growing ever more suspicious and sometimes Jackie wishes she would go back to the creepy quiet girl that would just watch everyone from afar.

“Well you guys are planning on trying out for JV soccer, right?” Jackie asks. She knew her semi stalking of all potential teammates would pay off eventually.

They both nod so Jackie continues. “Well think of this as, like, a pre-team bonding sesh. Me and Shauna are also going to try out and we’ve already had a sleepover with Laura Lee and Lottie.”

Tai and Van share a look that Jackie can’t decipher and Jackie gives a questioning look to Shauna, who just shrugs, clearly not knowing what’s going on between the other two either.

“This Saturday? A sleepover?” Van asks, clearly still on the fence about the whole thing. 

“Yeah,” Jackie says brightly, “I can get us snacks and stuff and we can get some movies to watch.”

“Leave the movies to me,” Van says with a little bit of pride in her voice.

“So you guys will come?” Jackie asks, almost shocked at how easy this has been.

“Yeah, just don’t be lame about it,” Tai states before taking a bite of her carrot.

“Totally, this is going to be so fun!”

-

Jackie spends the entire rest of the week planning her sleepover. Shauna had been of minimal help, stating multiple times that she didn’t think it was a good idea but Jackie persisted. 

She knew this was going to help Van embrace her inner woman and she would be forever grateful to her for it.

She has all the snacks ready, sour gummies, ice cream, chips and pop corn. And sodas, Dr. Pepper, Coke and Mountain Dew for Van.

She was going to look into renting a couple of movies before she remembered that Van said she would take care of it so that only leaves one more thing on Jackie's list.

Makeover supplies.

She knows Van probably can’t afford everything herself so Jackie convinced her mom to go on a shopping spree so she can get everything she needed.

She’s got eyeliner, mascara, blush, and nail polish that all compliments Van’s naturally pale complexion. She wasn’t sure how bold Van would want for eye shadow so she just picked up a few different options in the hopes that she would like something.

“Jackie, I really don’t think this is going to go how you want it to go,” Shauna says once again even as she helps Jackie organize everything for when Tai and Van come in about an hour.

“She just needs a little push to come out of her shell,” Jackie looks up to Shauna and gives a bright smile. Shauna gives her a shy smile that gives Jackie that odd feeling of jealousy in her stomach and she has to look away.

-

“So ladies, what do you want to do first?” Jackie says as she claps her hands, rolling onto the balls of her feet in excitement. Shauna just picks at Jackie's comforter where she’s sitting as Tai and Van share a look.

“Do you like scary movies?” Van asks as she sets her backpack onto the floor. 

“Love them!” Jackie says and for once she isn’t lying. While Shauna may be a little squeamish around all the blood and guts, Jackie loves the thrill horror movies give her.

They all settle awkwardly onto Jackie's queen sized bed and eventually after some rearranging and Van laying across the foot of the bed they all manage to get comfortable.

Throughout the movie Shauna tenses up and in a few notable scenes, grabs onto Jackie’s arm for dear life. During the chest burster scene Jackie can feel calculating eyes on the two of them wrapped up together.

Looking over, Jackie sees Tai staring at them with a pensive gaze. Eyes flicking up, their eyes meet and Tai tilts her head just a bit, looking like she wants to say something before there's another scare on screen and Shauna jumps again. 

Jackie doesn’t know what that look was but something tells her Tai knows more about something she shouldn’t.

-

“So what did you think?” Van asks, chewing on some sour candy Jackie had given her.

“I don’t get why anyone would willingly watch that stuff, it’s so gory,” Shauna basically whines as she eats some popcorn.

“Too scary for you Shauna?” Taissa taunts from where she’s lounging to their side, chips in hand.

“Well I for one, thought it was awesome,” Jackie says quickly to keep Shauna from blowing up over nothing at Tai’s remark. Jackie doubts Tai can’t handle herself against her best friend but it’s always better safe than sorry.

“Really?” Van asks, incredulous, “never would have taken you for a horror buff, Jackie.” 

“Oh yeah, totally. But I never get to watch them because of this big wimp.” Jackie lightly shoves at Shauna who does her best to glare at Jackie until a big smile stretches across her face, matching Jackie's.

“So what’s next?” Tai asks, shuffling up to a sitting position. Shauna sighs at the look Jackie gives her but gets up off the bed and goes to the attached bathroom where all the supplies are.

“So I haven’t been totally honest with you girls,” Jackie starts off. Tai and Van share a quick look before Jackie continues. “I'm sure you guys have heard all the totally bogus rumours that have been spreading around about Vanessa, right?”

Van’s eyes narrow into near slits but Jackie pushes on.

“Well, Shauna and I, or really mainly me,” Jackie doesn’t mean to take all the credit but she just can’t help herself. “Decided that maybe a makeover would help stop some of those rumours.” Jackie finishes just as Shauna comes shuffling back into the room, basket of beauty products in hand.

“What the-” Van starts before Tai cuts her off.

“What the fuck, Jackie,” Tai is standing now, clearly very angry.

“I just… Well you know what people say about her. And I mean she’s not helping dispel anything with what she wears. And with how she acts. And just everything about her,” Jackie defends, suddenly on her back foot. She stands up as well, next to Shauna who is looking everywhere but the three other girls in the room.

“I’m not a fucking charity case, Jackie,” Van almost spits the words out as she furiously tries to get her tape out of the VCR machine while still keeping it in tact.

“No, I know that, it’s just. Well I know you don’t come from money and I thought this could be something nice I could do for you,” Jackie says in a rush and cringes internally over how everything’s gone downhill so fast. “And I mean, I’m the only one here with a boyfriend so I’m the only one qualified to help you get one an-”

“This was fucking stupid, let’s go, Tai,” Van says before zipping up her bag and storming out of the room in a huff. Tai takes one more look at Jackie and Shauna before shaking her head and following her friend out the door.

Jackie is left in shock, she doesn’t understand why Van had gotten so upset. Sure, she wasn’t the most feminine girl out there, but why did she get so upset over the prospect of a makeover? What kind of girl doesn’t love a makeover?

“What about the makeover you told me about?” The person behind the camera asks and Van visibly cringes.

“I know you remember this one,” Van points to the camera before finishing their beer. The person behind the camera holds out another one and Van pops the top off on the heel of their boot before taking another long sip.

“So Jackie Taylor, she was something else. You know how she was. She wasn’t the best at anything except when it came to convincing you of something. I’m sure Coach would have put you as captain if it hadn’t been for the way she was always able to get us to get our shit together…” Van trails off before looking down at the beer bottle held on their lap. “She really was something, alright.”

So I wanna say around freshman year, right? It was right around the time we just started to explore… whatever we had been at the time so it was around freshman year. Well, I don’t know where the fuck she got the idea that I,” Van gestures to themself with one hand. The camera shakes and then there's a slow pan across their outfit.

Well worn boots with grease stains dotting them led to ratty bottoms of blue jeans just on the worn side of well worn. The camera continues to pan up to a loose but well fit button up with an indistinct pattern. The camera pans up the rest of the way to Van’s face, gold chain barely catching the light of the camera from around their neck. Van purses their lips, clearly uncomfortable with so much attention being drawn to their looks.

“Alright dude, I’m not blind, I know I look good but put the camera back down,” Van says, just a little irritated. “Now where were we?”

The camera operator says something that can’t quite be made out and Van lets out a little ‘ah’.

“So, don’t ask me why Jackie Taylor of all people thought that someone like me,” they gesture to themself a little bit, “would want a makeover but she tried. Or she made an attempt to try.”

Shauna came out of that bathroom with a whole basket-thingy of makeup and shit and I remember my blood just running cold. Jackie started talking about how the rumours, that I was a raging dyke, weren’t true and how I needed to find my inner woman or some shit. It wasn’t the first time I noticed people saw girl before they saw me. But that moment stuck with me, even after all these decades since it happened.”

I remember feeling so out of control in the moment, out of control over what other people saw me as, out of control over what my own body was doing to me without my permission. I don’t think I talked to you for a solid week after. I just couldn’t bear the thought of what I looked like to other people. I didn’t know what I was feeling had a name, dysphoria. And that what I was feeling, a lot of other kids like me also felt.”

Out of all the shitty feelings that night gave me, it gave me some good ones too. I decided after that day that I was going to control what people saw of me as much as possible. I decided that if I could make them laugh, maybe they wouldn’t notice the parts of me I hated.”

“Fuck Van, we don’t have a lot of time,” Tai hisses even as she let’s Van keep kissing her. They had both just gotten up to Taissa’s room after her dad had picked them up from JV soccer practice. They were both supposed to be getting ready for dinner but Van clearly had better plans.

Tai has to bite her lip to keep from whimpering as Van sucks and licks across her sensitive neck. This whole thing between them, the kissing and sometimes other things, was relatively new. Tai knew she had a crush on Van since at least the 7th grade but she never in a million years thought Van would feel the same way.

Van was all strength and laughter and confidence and Tai was all awkward proportions and stubbornness that never really did her any good. She doesn’t know what Van sees in her, to be honest.

“Tai…” Van trails off as Taissa drags her short nails across Van’s covered back. Tai can feel the full body shiver that runs through the redhead at the action and it sends a fiery buzz throughout her whole body.

She never knew the power she could hold over another person until the two of them started… whatever this is.

Tai knows she should be stopping them, knows her dad is probably already wondering why they were taking so long upstairs but she loses all train of thought when Van’s warm hands sneak their way up her shirt to touch her over her bra.

They had done this only a couple of times before so the novelty is still there and Tai can already feel herself getting that uncomfortable heaviness low in her gut that only happens during times like these.

Tai delights in the gasp Van gives as Tai snakes her own hands underneath Van’s shirt and splays her hands across the ever broadening expanse of pale skin.

Van connects their lips together again in a needy kiss as she swipes a thumb over Tai’s nipples as best she can while still staying over the bra.

And Tai is never one to be outdone so with as many brain cells as she can muster in the middle of one of the most heated make out sessions she has ever partaken in in her entire life, Tai also reaches out for Van’s glorious boobs.

But not even a full boob grab later and Van is stiffening up and pulling away, taking her own hands off of Tai’s boobs and pulling soft brown hands out of her shirt.

“Um, maybe we should get ready for dinner,” Van says, avoiding eye contact.

Tai can’t really do anything but nod like a dumbass because all she can really hear is her own heart beating in her ears. She blindly follows Van into the bathroom and does her best to ignore the growing ache between her legs as they do their best to look like they weren’t about to eat each other's faces off.

Later that evening, before Van leaves for her own house Tai will ask about the abrupt tone shift. And Van’s answer will leave her perplexed until she forgets about the whole thing.

-

“Do you not want me to touch you?”

“No, I mean, yes. Kinda. I really like your hands on me. But like…” Van’s brows were furrowed as she tried to find the right words. “How do you get over the fact that some of your body doesn’t feel like you?”

“What do you mean?” Tai asked in confusion, trying to make sense of the absolute gibberish coming out of Van’s mouth.

“Like, when you touch my boo- my chest, it doesn’t feel like they are a part of me, I guess?” Van was clearly out of her depth but trying her best to explain even though Tai still didn’t really understand.

“You’re saying you can’t feel your tits?” Tai tried to joke but grabbed for Van’s hand in comfort as the other girl flinched at the word ‘tits’.

“No, I can feel it, them, but it’s just…” Van pulled her hands away to scrub at her face before sniffling and shuffling off of her perch on top of Taissa’s desk. “It’s stupid, just forget it,” she finished with a huff before grabbing her bookbag. “You ready to take me home?”

“Do you remember back when we finally started fooling around, and I would freak out on you any time you touched,” Van gestures wildly underneath their neck, “my, uh, chest? Like, I would stop us or switch us around whenever you would try to touch my chest?” Van’s face is visibly red even through the grainy quality of the VHS tape.

“And then we had that super awkward talk about how they don’t feel like a part of me?” Van swirls their beer a little bit, clearly pausing to collect their thoughts. They huff out a little laugh after a moment and a small smile plays across their lips. “I remember you asking me if I couldn’t feel my tits,” they snort then, smile growing wider. The person behind the camera laughs along with them.

“Even if you didn’t understand at all, hell I didn’t understand either, I think at least a small part of me was grateful you tried.”

Lottie has just gotten back from her summer vacation to Paris when she finds an unexpected ally in Van Palmer, in the locker room before P.E. of all places.

“Do you have a skunk growing under your arms or something Lottie?” Rachel Goldman says with her nose wrinkled in disgust.

It takes a few seconds for Lottie to fully process what was said thanks to her new meds she just started taking but thankfully Van is at her rescue in a flash.

“The fuck’s it to you?” She says, oddly offended on behalf of Lottie. “Wanna whiff?” she says before making to pull her own armpit out of her shirt.

“Ew, no, get away!” Rachel yells before running out of the locker room. Some of the other girls look at them before finishing up changing and heading out as well. Van lingers as Lottie takes her time, the slight haze of new meds still making her move slow.

“You don’t like shaving either?” Van asks and Lottie shakes her head to explain before Van trudges ahead. “That’s cool, y’know I thought I was the only one. Does it make you feel like too much of a girl too?” 

Van has a face that Lottie can’t really decipher at the moment and she can barely get out a “I just forgot to shave on vacation,” before the coach is blowing his whistle to let them know they were about to be late. The last thing Lottie sees is Van’s face falling a little before shaking her head and leaving the locker room.

The camera cuts and goes black for just a bit before turning back on, Van in a different shirt than before. “Sorry, my friend behind you there had to leave so we decided to continue a different day. Instead of a beer next to them there’s a six pack of Mountain Dew, a single can already open. “Do you remember where we were?” 

“I think you just started talking about the locker room.”

“Yeah that sounds right,” Van says before they take a sip of their soda, maneuvering themself back on the seat, legs spreading wide as they get comfortable. “There was an incident in the locker room that was particularly memorable for some reason. I think Lottie had just got back after one of her ‘health retreats’,” Van air quotes around health retreats and rolls their eyes. “In case you forgot, that was code for her dad sending her off to the loony bin to try out new meds. Not that we, anyone, knew that at the time.”

Well, Rachel Goldbloom, you remember her? One of the first ones to you know, in the, y’know. Well anyway, Rachel had a stick up her ass that day for some reason and asked why Lottie didn’t shave her pits. And you know me,” Van smirked to the camera and it shook as the operator picked it up and zoomed into Van showing off their unshaved armpits. Van made little gestures showing off the ginger hairs there before laughing and telling the camera person to put the camera back.

“Well, young Vanny thought they had maybe finally found a kindred spirit. An unshaved comrade of sorts. I got so excited, after telling Rachel to fuck off of course, and I asked her… I think I asked her if shaving also made her feel like too much of a girl.”

But Lottie had just spent a month away and you know how she was always out of it her first week or so back, and she just kind of looked at me and then said she forgot to shave on vacation.”

“What did that moment mean for you?”

Van puffs out their cheeks before blowing out a deep breath, palms wiping across their lap.

“That’s a loaded question, bud.”

“You don’t have to an-”

“No, no, no, it’s a good question, just loaded,” Van cuts their friend off while waving their hand at the person behind the camera. “I think that moment…” Van looks pensive for a moment, brows furrowed as they stare at their fidgeting hands on their lap. “I think that moment solidified to a young me that I was really alone. I had some other people, Nat never judged me. Jackie for all her faults always defended me when she was in earshot. You were… you. But no one really got what I was feeling. We all had insecurities, what teenager doesn’t? But to feel like your body isn’t your own? To feel like you were just someone watching a body grow in ways that disgusted you and made you want to die? No. I was alone in that feeling.”

There was plenty of times over the years, before and after that time in the locker room, little moments here and there that reminded me I was different in a way no one could explain. But that time in the locker room was when I never felt more wrong and alone and scared that I was somehow made wrong.”

Some would still say that I was made wrong,” Van snorts before taking a drink of their soda. “At least now I know enough to tell them to fuck right off.”

Mari was pissed. She had never been so pissed in her life. Well, maybe she had been more pissed when the plane came down, or, no. That was more despair and utter horror but now? Now she’s pissed. She stomps right up to Van, who has the audacity to fucking smile at her.

“Hey Mar,” Van says as she stands up from whatever the fuck she was doing with Tai. Probably some gay shit.

“Don’t ‘Hey Mar,’ me Van. I know you took them,” Mari says, she feels her anger coming off of her in waves. Normally something like this wouldn’t bother her, but that’s just it isn’t it? Nothing is normal out here so fuck her for wanting to keep at least something from before.

“Hey, don’t fucking talk to her like that,” Tai says, standing up like a lesbo knight in shining armour or something.

“Woah, woah, woah, ladies, no need to fight over lil ole me,” Van says, and her attempt at humor is very much not appreciated.

“Where’s the fucking razor,” Mari says, ready to step in close. She may not have strength but she’s sure she could get a solid swing in before Van could react. Maybe. Probably not, because Van was one hell of a goalie but Mari was still ready to try.

“Razors? Why would you think I have any?” Van looks completely puzzled, and Tai does to and fuck, she wasn’t lying was she?

Mari can already feel the tears welling in her eyes and she must be pmsing or some shit cause she’s not normally like this.

“You still shave, don’t you?” Mari states, trying to put up a strong front. She gestures to Van’s pale legs, for once only covered by shorts. Normally she wore pants and if it wasn’t for her wardrobe choices Mari may not have even suspected her, cause lesbians totally don’t shave. Or at least that's what Madison Freeley told her freshman year.

“No?” Van just looked even more confused and Tai looked like she was about to start laughing at any moment. “I don’t think I've ever shaved?” she points to her, oh wow, very hairy armpits. Well, maybe not totally super hair like her stupid ex boyfriend, or maybe it was? It was hard to tell with how light the hair was.

“But your legs!” Mari said, not willing to give this up for some reason. “Everyone else’s legs look like Travis’s and yours are totally normal!” 

“I’m just a ginger, Mar,” Van points out, then she raises her leg as high as she can. And Mari can see the fine blond hairs there all across her entire leg. She drops her leg with a huff, Tai still acting like she was hiding her amusement.

“But…” Mari can feel the dam behind her eyes burst and then a pair of arms is holding her as she cries out. “I just want to feel normal. Can’t anything be normal out here?” 

“It’s okay Mar, once we get out of here, I’ll buy you a razor okay?” Mari knows Van is just saying shit to calm her down but it's weirdly working. She finds herself nodding along as Tai pats her back from Van’s side.

She’ll be fine once she makes it out.

“When Mari accused me of shaving, of all the fuckin’ things she could have accused me of, of all the things I deserved to be accused of. That’s when it really sunk in for me that everyone else wasn’t just pretending to be,” Van makes a fluttering gesture with both hands, head tilting back and forth, “a girl, or boy, or whatever. People actually felt like they were a boy or girl. Before that point I just, I had come to recognize that maybe I was the only one feeling like I felt, but I guess I just assumed everyone was still like performing their gender because they… had to? Or they were performing their gender just to show other people what their gender was. Does that make sense?” 

There's some shuffling noise from behind the camera.

“Kinda? Not really?” Van asks before a contemplative look comes across their scarred features. “So before that point I had accepted that everyone felt like they were born in the right body, that everyone was cis. I didn’t know there was a word for it then but we are going with that. So I accepted everyone was cis by that point. But I guess it didn’t connect in my mind that all the little different things girls and boys did was because it was who they were. They didn’t do them just because that’s what their gender did. Make sense?”

More shuffling behind the camera and Van nods approvingly.

“So yeah, that moment really solidified to me that people weren't just putting on this gender costume to fit who they were supposed to be. They really were that.

Melissa was by the slowly dying fire, it was her and Van’s turn for night watch. Which was cool with her because she always thought Van was cool. It wasn’t until out here that she was ever really able to be herself, but Van always was, even before the plane went down. Melissa always admired that about the redhead.

“Ugh, fuck,” Van whines as she lays across the log, draping an arm over her forehead, the other slung low over her belly. “You got your period back yet?” She looks up to Melissa who just shakes her head. “Consider yourself lucky. Tai and I were just… you know when I got mine.”

“That really sucks, dude,” Melissa says as she stokes the slowly dying fire. She couldn’t imagine how mortifying it would be if she suddenly got her period while she and Shauna were about to do it. Melissa thinks that maybe if she can’t say the word she shouldn’t be doing it. But fuck that, there's no rules out here. 

“It’s crazy how much our bodies have changed out here,” she says, almost absentmindedly as she stares into the small flames. It’s warmish out tonight so it doesn’t need to be super big.

“Tell me about it,” Van grumbles, sitting up next to Melissa. They look at each other then, and Mel hopes the fire is dim enough that the redhead can’t see the blood rushing to her tanned cheeks. Was it normal for someone who is kind of in a situational relationship to want to kiss someone who is in an actual relationship. “-and I don’t even have boobs anymore. How fucking cool is that?” 

Shit, Van was talking and Melissa has been too busy staring at her lips to actually hear anything coming out of them. She scrambled to find anything to say. “I like boobs.” And holy fuck, totally not cool Melissa. 

“I mean, I like having boobs,” yeah that’s better. And truthful! “I mean, I like that I’m becoming a woman, you know? Like before everything we were just girls but we are all almost adults now I think and being a full grown woman is just-”

“If I’m being entirely honest, I tuned out of whatever she was saying pretty quick. Don’t get me wrong, she was a good kid, but I knew she had a bit of a crush on me. I’m sure if she hadn’t…” Van trails off, pursing their lips before looking away. After a couple of seconds staring into space they look back into the camera. “I’m sure we would have been really good friends if things had turned out different. I’m sure she would have had my back.”

Van stares off into space again until the camera person clears their throat, jolting Van’s attention back to the camera. 

“Right, so, that moment. I don’t know why it really stuck out to me. I guess it was because I thought I had finally found someone like me? She dressed like me, she had this aura about her, some would call it butch swag in today's day and age. But she reminded me of myself a lot. The way she was just too masculine to neatly fit into the ‘girl’ box. So I guess I assumed she didn’t see herself as a girl and I got ahead of myself. But alas, it t’was not meant to be.” Van sighs before standing up and stretching before the camera cuts to black.

“I think- yeah it’s on,” Van’s voice can be heard behind the camera. It shakes and the focus zooms in and out before the chair in front of it comes into clear view.

“Think that’s good?” Van asks whoever else was with them and a small ‘yeah’ can be heard. “And I just hit this button to stop the recording?” Some shuffling is heard and the camera shakes just a bit more before focusing again. “Alright, thanks dude. I don’t know if I’ll see you again, things are getting really bad but you have no clue how much this means to me. Take care.”

There’s a long pause before Van comes into view, a new button down and jeans combo worn. They sniffle a bit, wiping at their eyes with the back of their hand.

“That was… someone I’ve grown fond of. They are a good kid, well they are 25 so not a kid but still. They were one of the first people to help me come to terms with all this gender fuckery stuff. They were one of the first people I told I was dying. One of the only people…”

Van claps their hands together softly, rubbing their palms against each other before settling back onto the loveseat. One leg crossed over the other, arms slung across the back, they were a picture of relaxation.

Taissa blinks back the tears that have been present the entire tape, sniffingly pathetically as she remembers all the times Van would sit like that and she would snuggle into her- into their side.

“So this is the end, I guess,” Van starts. They wince and roll their head back before pulling a pill bottle out of their jeans and dry swallowing a couple of pills. “I’ve never told anyone this, mostly out of guilt but also because everyone would have looked at me like I was a fucking psycho. But I liked our time out there.” Van avoids looking into the camera as they talk. One hand comes down to pick at a frayed hole in the front of their jeans.

“Well, not really, not like what you think. You know I don’t mean the whole hunting each other for sport and consuming human flesh bits. But I liked the freedom of it all. The freedom to love you openly, without fear. The freedom to not have to worry about if I was good enough at acting like a girl. Hell, even after that first winter, when we were all skin and bones. No one had anything left to them but life gave me one thing to be grateful for. I didn’t grow my chest back until well after we were rescued.”

Van sighs before looking back into the camera and Tai can feel herself transfixed, even through the screen. Any last little bit of Van she can get, she’ll take. Greedy for any last semblance of the only person Tai thinks she ever truly loved.

“You may be thinking, ‘But Van! Why didn’t you get them removed once you were able to!’, and to that I say, I don’t know why. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I wanted to not be able to look at myself in the mirror after what I let happen out there. Maybe I felt like I didn’t deserve this body after what we did to the other’s bodies out there. Maybe I never really left the wilderness because I never loved myself and hated myself as much as I did out there.”

Van gets up and starts pacing behind the loveseat, arms crossed tightly over their chest. “Maybe I felt like I only got to live if I felt like my body wasn’t my own.” Van scoffs and comes to sit back down with a big huff. They scoff, self deprecating and their bottom lip trembles.

Tai wishes with her very soul that she could just reach past the screen to hold Van just one more time as they cried.

“Anyway,” Van says, clearly trying to deflect from their own inner turmoil. “I’ll be long dead of cancer, or god forbid because of ‘the wilderness’,” Van says with an exaggerated haunted house announcer voice, hands waving over their head, “by the time you find this. I know it’s selfish of me to drop this all on you when I can’t even be there to help you understand. But what’s one more selfish act in a lifetime of nothing but taking?”

Van stands up and makes their way slowly to the camera, hands in the back pockets of their jeans in a move that is just so Van that it makes tears finally spill down Taissa’s cheeks.

Van is right in front of the camera now, kneeled down so only their face is in frame. “I love you, Tai. I don’t think I ever stopped. Please don’t ever doubt that.” With one more glance to the camera, blue eyes watery, the recording stops.

Taissa just sits there, afterwards. She sits there so long the blue screen cuts to black. There’s nothing but Tai’s own reflection staring back.