Work Text:
Damnit!
Yoosung was looking forward to a big loot tonight with his guild! Sludging through boring lectures and the mundane everyday of a college student, this was the only thing that was keeping him going through all of that. And it's gone! Yoosung just groaned as the words of "SERVER CURRENTLY UNDER MAINTENANCE" flashed on his screen. What was he supposed to do now????
He turned away from the monitor and glanced around his room...damn, was it always this messy? Clothes were strewn around, dust was piling up and he's pretty sure that's an empty bag of Honey Butter Chips rotting in the corner. God! His whole room was a mess! He couldn't help but feel a little cluttered too. His mom flashed in his mind, flashbacks of back home, sternful scorns about cleanliness filled his mind. He abruptly got up. If LOLOL's servers were down, he might as well clean this garbage disposal of a room...well, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. A room that really looked like a garbage disposal would be Seven's. Eugh. Yoosung couldn't help but feel pity for Ms. Vanderwood the 3rd. How did she not go insane with all of that cleaning?
...anyhow, he brought out the broom and whatnot and started cleaning. First, dispose of that trash. He can't believe he left a chip bag of all things behind. Back then, he'd never have any food scraps left in his room. The bar of his morals really went down, huh? Yoosung cleared the room of any garbage and started dusting. It's better to dust first and then sweep, so you can collect the dust fallen. The difference was stark, even just a finger swipe made such a difference. Yoosung made sure to not miss even a spot. After that, he started sweeping. He couldn't help but feel the time pass by. When LOLOL wasn't there to distract him, cleaning was a nice way of passing the time that he really liked. After sweeping, he mopped the floor. In no time, the room was sparkling clean! Yoosung could practically see his reflection on the floors. Whew! Slumping back down on his gaming chair, Yoosung let out a breath of relief. The work was rewarding, but also exhausting. Looking over, he saw something sticking out of a drawer - what was that? Yoosung pulled out whatever was sticking out. It was a photo, but the side that was showing was blank white. He flipped the photo, and he saw her.
Rika.
...Rika. Noona. The dear cousin that showed him the wonders that life could bring. Yoosung could feel his face droop. It had been over a year since the announcement of her death. Yoosung still couldn't believe it, and he didn't. He's sure that there's more to the story, there has to be! But V keeps avoiding his questions, and everyone else just told him to accept what happened. But he couldn't...without thinking, he dropped the photo onto the floor. The photo depicted him in his high school days and Rika, smiling next to each other. You could feel warmth radiating off of her smile through the photo. It was a treasured photo, one he always looked at when he feels down. That smile would always warm him and his feelings. Yoosung picked it up again. He knew the warmth was still there, but he couldn't feel it anymore. His hands were still cold, even when touching it. He could never be able to look at it the same.
Yoosung put the photo down, blank white facing up. He didn't want to start another downward spiral into her death again. He got up. You know what he could need? A breath of fresh air. Yeah! Some outside time would help. Quickly pulling on a hoodie, he stepped out onto the balcony. The cool night air hit him. He could feel the breeze blow his bangs away. He had to touch up those roots of this sometime soon...Yoosung dangled his arms on the railing of the balcony. He stared into the abyss, which was just the busy night of Seoul. Cars bustling, people walking around, lights all over, it lit up the dark night sky. It was so lively, but Yoosung couldn't feel the same way. He looked to his side, empty. Of course, there's no one else but him out here. His mind reeled back to a flashback in this same location....
-
"Yoosung."
A sweet voice called out. It was a chilly night, the streets were lively as usual. Yoosung was zoning out when that voice brought him back to the present. He turned around, and his gaze met hers. All of a sudden, the wind didn't feel that cold anymore. She smiled warmly.
"Silly, what are you lost in your thoughts for?"
Yoosung heavily sighed. It was entrance exam season, so he'd been studying for weeks. To be honest, it was taking a toll on him. After that sigh, he felt like a plug to his emotions just released.
"Nothing you need to worry about, Noona. Just...my entrance exams."
She patted his back and brought him close to her. She took a deep breath as she gazed at the city scenery.
"Ah, Yoosung. Don't worry so much. It's nothing but a piece of paper. I know it might seem like the world right now, but really. It's just a piece of paper. Have you been eating and sleeping properly?"
Yoosung looked down. To tell the truth, he hadn't. Most of his time went to studying, he didn't even take care of his basic needs. He didn't want to admit that to her though, so he kept quiet. His gaze said it all, though. She, as perceptive as she always was, caught on and clicked her tongue. She frowned.
"Ay, Yoosung. Don't throw your whole body away for some exam. It's not worth it. Here."
She had went back in and pulled out a corndog. Two, who knows where she got that from. Takeout? Did she have it all along during her visit? Before Yoosung could ask, he felt his mouth stuffed with crispy batter as she shoved the corndog into his mouth.
"Don't say anything. Eat."
So he didn't. Yoosung slowly chewed on the corndog, she shortly did too. They ate in comfortable silence. The taste of crispy batter and tender sausage filled his mouth, and he couldn't help but savour it...was he really lacking food that bad? As he was pondering, she spoke up.
"What do you want to be when you're older?"
Yoosung paused mid bite. He turned to her.
"Where did this come fro-"
"Just answer."
...he looked down at his corndog.
"Well, something that makes me successful."
She rolled her eyes.
"That's what most people want to be when they're older. Young, rich and without a worry in the world. I'm asking, what do YOU want to be."
He blinked. He thought for a moment. His mind reeled back to all his memories. That's when it paused on a dog. A certain dog. A dog...that was no longer here. He thought of what happened when that dog was no longer here. The sorrow and pain everyone felt when she left...Yoosung tightly gripped onto the hem of his sleeve.
"...a vet."
She raised her brow. A veterinarian? She cocked her head.
"Why?"
"Because,"
He paused, and began again.
"Because, when she left...you felt so much pain. I felt so much pain. I don't want anyone to lose a loved one like that ever again...I don't want you to feel that pain ever again. So if I become a vet, I can prevent that pain. I can spread happiness to others, so they can avoid that pain. I want you to avoid that pain too."
She paused, before snorting. She knew exactly who he was talking about, it's only been a couple of months since it happened. She was still affected by her loss...she gazed down at the city again.
"How noble of you."
He gazed at her.
"I want to be like you."
...huh? She slowly looked up at him, her eyes slightly widening.
"Like...me?"
He nodded, before continuing.
"Yeah. You...you give people hope, a smile, something they can look forward to. I want to be like that too. A magician, like you say. A magician who spreads happiness, just like you."
She gazed at him softly, really gazed at him. His smile was so precious. She softly smiled and rubbed his back.
"Well, maybe you could take over my position once I retire."
He chuckled. She continued, her gaze lingering on him.
"Well, whatever you do, I'll always support you. I'll always stay by your side, through your best and worst. Noona will always have your back."
He softly smiled and his eyes filled with light.
"Thank you, Noona."
She nodded, before letting out a shiver by the cold. Goddamn, it was really chilly tonight. She turned towards the door.
"It's super chilly. How about we go back inside?"
He nodded in agreement, the chill was getting to him too.
"Yeah, let's."
They laughed along the way, clutching their corndogs as they headed towards the warmth of the apartment. The memory slowly fades....
-
Yoosung felt cold and bitter in the core of his body - it wasn't from the wind. Hell, he's been feeling cold and bitter ever since she was gone. Everyone could and did move on from that point, but he's still here. He still misses that warmth, he craves it. Another gust of cold wind to his face reminds him that warmth is long gone and he may never be able to feel it again. He'll never feel her warmth by his side, hear her voice, be affected by her kindness. All of that is gone.
Before he knew it, his eyes started stinging as his cheeks became wet. Was he crying? Who cares. He didn't bother wiping away. It was just him on this cold balcony, all alone. It'll never be him and her again. Everyone moved on - so what?! Everyone didn't have a bond with her like he did. She was his cousin, for god's sake! She was the one that made him see the world in a new light, a bright light. Made him feel the happiness the world could bring, what he could bring, and he could never get it back. Let him grieve. Let him miss her presence again. Let him remember her once more. Let him dream to wish to go back!
The tears dripped down his face. The feeling of it was uncomfortable, but she not being by his side was even more uncomfortable. He sat down right in front of the balcony doors and buried his face into his knees. He let out a small, shaky sob...and then more came right after. He was so overwhelmed by this emptiness, she was gone, and gone for good. It may never be filled up, it'll consume his mind again and again. He'll never be the same as before. He'll always feel cold and bitter inside.
...this wind was kind of getting to him. Opening the balcony door, Yoosung stepped inside of his apartment once again. His body felt warm, but not on the inside. He shut the door and made it to the couch. On the table, he spotted textbooks of different subjects. Math, biology...didn't he want to be something, like her? Like...
He couldn't bear to think of her name, lest he wants to end up in another breakdown. He eyed the textbooks with weary eyes. He did want to be something, he did. He remembers it clearly, but he doesn't find himself with the determination from before. He couldn't, not without her by his side, supporting him even from the shadows. Wasn't she supposed to always be there, to have his back? He bitterly chuckled to himself - that didn't end up being the case. Now, he didn't want to do anything anymore. Spread happiness, how could he ever live up to being like her? His standards for how he lives are so low now, he's barely scrapping by university. Everyday feels like a chore, a chore he doesn't want to bother with. All that talk from back then, wouldn't she be so disappointed in how he was faring without her? She probably thought he could persevere, even without her. No. He thought to himself. I could never. I'm in shambles without you, Noona...
...he sobs again. Fuck it. He grabs a pillow and hugs it tight against his chest. He let the sobs make noise in this empty house.
-
Sooner or later, Yoosung gets up. He tosses the pillow and heads to his room. He doesn't bother eating, or washing his face, hell, even brushing his teeth. He rips off his hoodie and tosses it in the laundry bin, or somewhere close. Whatever. He turns on the monitor again and opens up LOLOL...still under maintenance. Hah. He turns it off and turns off his lights. he plops onto his bed. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep. He can't, but he tries. He'll wake up to another boring day, one that is just as special as the next. He'll wake up without Rika.