Chapter Text
Jason is dead.
Jason is dead.
Never coming back.
Timmy will never see him again. Never hear his voice. His laugh. See his eyes narrow when he concentrates. See him frown when he thinks he’s being treated unfairly. See him.
It’s…
It’s a horrible feeling. Nagging. Clawing. Shredding. It’s so much worse than anything Timmy has ever felt. It’s like he’s screaming, and no one can hear. It’s like he can’t breathe. It’s like he’s on fire and it’s like he’s being held down in ice water. It’s like half of him died with Jason, and he’s never getting that half back.
He’s never getting Jason back.
He can’t eat. He can’t sleep. Everything he does just reminds him that Jason will never do it again. Dick has tried. Selina has tried. Stephanie and Cass have tried. None of them get it. Sure, they’re sad. They’re horrified. But they don’t understand.
Timmy loved Jason.
Loves him.
And Jason, despite all the run-arounds and aversions and brush-offs. All the snarks and jibes and general aloofness. Jason loved him too. Timmy knows it.
Hopes it.
Miss Harleen doesn’t know what to do. How to treat him. She loves Mr. J. The Joker. She loves Timmy too. They’re her family like she’s Timmy’s family. Him too. He killed Jason. He murdered him and hurt him and took him away from Timmy, but he’s still family. Timmy can’t change that.
(The Joker is back in Arkham thanks to Batman. Timmy doesn’t care. He doesn’t ever want to see the Joker again.)
But Jason is dead.
Not coming back.
Jason is….somewhere. Heaven, probably. And Timmy is never going to see him again. Because Timmy is bad. He isn’t going to Heaven.
He isn’t sure he even believes in it.
But for Jason, he has to. Jason has to be in Heaven. An angel.
Timmy doesn’t think he can take it, though. The feeling. The missing. The loss. It’s too much. He’s cried and screamed and thrown his tantrums, and now he’s static. Blank. Like a doll. He can’t eat. He can’t think. Everything is on repeat. Horrible, terrible repeat.
The news report announcing Jason’s death.
The Joker getting back to Gotham, bragging about it to Harley.
The fight.
(Timmy doesn’t remember much of it. As soon as the Joker confessed, his mind shut off and he tackled the Joker. He knows he beat him pretty good before Harley pulled him off, but after that, nothing.)
And Jason.
Jason staying with him the whole night. Waiting for him to come around on his own. Not pushing. Not demanding. Not expectant. Just waiting.
And leaving.
And dying.
Batman isn’t doing anything. He put the Joker in jail. Again.
Timmy hates him all the more for it.
Jason is dead.
Timmy misses him.
Selina runs her fingers through his hair and calls him kitten.
Dick sits by the bed and hopes he’ll eat.
Stephanie asks if he needs anything.
Cass offers silent support.
Timmy wants to answer. He does need something. He needs Jason.
He’ll settle for the Batman’s corpse and the Joker never able to hurt anyone again, for now.
He heard Batgirl got hurt too. Dick said. Wheelchair bound.
Because of the Joker.
Timmy liked Batgirl. She wasn’t always around, but she was nice. She never scared him or tried to arrest him. Sometimes she told him things about Jason.
Timmy misses Jason.
It hurts to think. It hurts to breathe. It’s like there’s a weight on his chest, pressing on his lungs and cutting off his air supply. It’s like he’s slowly suffocating. It’s like he’s having a panic attack.
Selina, and Dick, and Steph. They all tell him that Jason is in better place (he knows). The Jason isn’t in pain (he knows). That even if Jason is gone, he’ll live on in Timmy’s heart.
It’s a lie.
A dirty, rotten lie.
If Jason was living in his heart, he’d rip it out so Jason could have it. Nothing lives in his heart. Certainly not Jason.
Jason doesn’t liveanywhere.
Jason is dead.
Timmy can’t change that. God can’t change that. No one can change that.
Jason is dead. Forever.
Timmy can’t stay here. Not without Jason. Not with Harleen. Not with Selina. Not with Dick.
He has to leave. He has to run and…
He’ll leave a note. Tell them not to look for him. They won’t find him anyway. He’s good at hiding.
He needs…he needs space. He needs Batman’s head on a platter. He needs the Joker bleeding out on the floor.
He needs Jason.
But he can’t have Jason.
So he’ll have to have Jason’s revenge instead.