Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes, Tsukishima regrets ever joining the volleyball club. And by sometimes, he means whenever someone (usually Hinata, Kageyama, Tanaka, or Nishinoya) is being an irremediably loud, noisy, annoying idiot. Which, of course, means that Tsukishima has regrets nearly every day.

And at other times, just like this one, his regret is caused by the sheer idea of yet another training camp. Only this one would be worse than the previous one, for several reasons that Tsukishima lists as such:

1. This camp is in Tokyo. Well, Saitama, mostly. But anyway, it is far from home, and Tsukishima Kei doesn’t do well with such big changes, thank you very much.
2. This camp will have several other teams. Meaning a bunch of wild, rowdy, smelly, sweaty teenage boys packed in just one place, and he shivers at that very idea. Plus, Tsukishima knows there won’t be any boy cute or hot enough to make up for it (or to make out with).
3. He knows already he’ll be constantly surrounded by people. At all times. Mealtimes? People. Training? People. Matches? People. Showers? People. Sleeping time? PEOPLE. It will get too noisy and too people-y, and he hates it already.
4. Is. SUMMER! Tsukishima doesn’t want to train and sweat all day with his equally sweaty (or worse, sweatier) teammates, opponents, and be yelled at and reprimanded by various coaches. It’s going to be hot, and not in the way he would have liked it. And he’s missing his A.C. already.
5. It’s the evening, and they have to leave. Why? At this time, usually, he would be in his bedroom, minding his own business, perhaps rewatching Jurassic Park (as much for the dinosaurs as for Jeff Goldblum), listening to music, just overall being happy in his own little peopleless bubble.

Instead, they are about to be stuck on a tiny bus for more than five hours, not counting the various stops at disgusting public restrooms… Yeah. Tsukishima really wasn’t looking forward to that. In fact, when he sits down on the bus, he already has that annoying tug in his chest, restricting his breathing. He needs to calm down. The last thing he wanted was to have a full-blown panic attack in front of the whole team, in such a constricted space. He’d been humiliated enough the few times the team saw him having a meltdown.

He rests his head against the window as Yamaguchi sits down next to him. The chatter from the other teens doesn’t waver at all as the bus starts, after biding goodbye to Hinata and Kageyama, who are stuck at school for at least one more day because they have to retake the exams they failed. He hopes that, at least without the two biggest idiots, the travel would be quieter, but it is without factoring in Tanaka and Nishinoya’s equally loud presences. He sighs as both older boys hollered about some inane things about Kioyko’s beauty and other heterosexual things that Tsukishima has no care for at all.

Tsukishima feels his stomach tightening at the first turn. He wanted to embark on the bus on an empty stomach, but his mom had managed to force him to eat some light meal, and he could already feel a fight to keep it inside his stomach and not… everywhere on the bus, his clothes, and his best friend. He tries to calm himself down. He is going to be alright. He is not going to be like Hinata and get sick on the bus. Nope, he refuses it. He wants to sleep. He knows he needs it. They all would, eventually. They weren’t supposed to arrive at Tokyo until the early hours of the morning, due to the various breaks their two drivers would need to take. But he always had trouble sleeping in unfamiliar places. Hell, he barely slept when they were doing the training camp during Golden Week, and they had to stay at school.

An hour into the ride, Tsukishima tries to remember if he took medicine for motion sickness. He reviews his evening before leaving the comfort of his home. He had forced a light dinner down his throat, took his usual medicine, gagged a bit in the bathroom, and finally left after checking his bag for the fourth time. When he arrived, he gave all his medications to Takeda. They weren’t allowed to have their meds with them. They had to leave them with the teachers and the nurses, who would then give them their medicine when it was time for it. Something he found deeply intrusive and infantilizing, but he had no other choice, did he? Still. Even if Takeda had been kind and considerate enough to try not to look at his meds, Tsukishima didn’t like the idea that his teacher, and potentially other people, would find out what medicine he needed.

It was just… Deeply personal. Intimate. He doesn’t care that everyone knows about his autism. He has no problem with that. Because he isn’t ashamed of this word anymore. But that doesn’t mean he is okay with people knowing about his severe depression. Oh, right, Major Depressive Disorder, as it is the official diagnosis placed upon him a couple of years ago. Which was odd, because he had felt the same way for much longer. Low energy. Loss of interest in previous passions or hobbies. Low mood. Sleep issues, either too little or too much. Loss of appetite. Weight loss. Self-harming habits not linked to the involuntary ones did during his meltdowns. Not to mention the occasional but never too far-gone suicidal thoughts. Some of his symptoms had gotten a tad better over the years of therapy and a nice little drug called Aripiprazole. It’s not that he is ashamed of his mental health problems, okay? He isn’t. He just… Well, he would just rather they stayed private. Didn’t mean he was ashamed. Because, again, he isn’t. Not at all. Alright, fine. Is he afraid of being perceived as weak if people know about his depression? Yes. No. Maybe. Oh, God, can’t his brain ever shut up? Look at how peaceful and happy Tanaka and Nishinoya are! So, it is true after all, ignorance is bliss. He envies them. His legs start bobbing up and down.

Another thing he wants to keep hidden from everyone, but would be difficult if people put two and two together after seeing his other medication, his anxiety. As far as he remembers, it had always been there. An invisible life companion, always hanging by his side. Sometimes quiet, sometimes loud. Sometimes resting, sometimes looming, sometimes exploding. His father had mercilessly ridiculed him for that, calling him an even bigger freak when they all thought he ‘only’ had autism. Dick. His mom had been nicer. But as well-meaning as she was, she made some mistakes. Telling him everybody felt like that was one. Because no, mom, not everyone is hyperventilating every day at the idea of going to school. Nor are they shaking, stuttering because they had to interact with people. Not everyone feared failure so much that it plagued them with daily nightmares, paralyzing them during the day, making them unable to make a decision or take action. It feels like watching a train coming at you at full speed, but you’re so terrified that you just can’t move, and instead, you’re simply waiting for the impact, barely bracing for it. Eventually, his anxiety became too much, and coupled with his depression, his mother finally agreed for him to be put on medication for both disorders. He was thirteen when he was put on both Aripiprazole and Prozac. A bit young for it, his mother feared it would be dangerous, but his doctors told her it would be more dangerous if he were left in that state any longer. It had taken some weeks, but eventually, Tsukishima did start to feel a bit better. Not enough to be healed. But enough to be almost functional again.

The rising bile in his throat interrupts his reflection on his prescriptions. Huh. Alright, so, clearly, he had taken his usual treatment, but nothing for motion sickness. When he was a kid, he used to get car sick (and bus sick, and boat sick and even plane sick) all the time. Akiteru and his clothes sure remember all the disastrous family trips that inevitably ended in a rushed but too-late stop on the road. He never liked school trips, and you could easily guess why. It was embarrassing to throw up in front of your family, but it was outright humiliating when it was in front of your whole classroom. Over the years, it had mostly gone away, but every once in a while, his motion sickness liked to make a comeback. And apparently, tonight was the night. He curses himself internally. How could he have been so negligent!?

“Tsukki?”. Tsukishima dares to throw a quick glance at Yamaguchi. His friend is concerned. And knows what was going on. Yamaguchi leans on him to whisper. “Do you need a plastic bag or something?”. Tsukishima wants to say no. That he isn’t going to be sick. Instead, the minute he opened his mouth, he knew he wasn’t going to make it. Fortunately, Yamaguchi remembers the drill from their trips since elementary school. He quickly rummages through the bus seat cargo net and extracts a plastic bag just in time as Tsukishima lurches forward and vomits in it, leaving Yamaguchi to awkwardly pat his back as he keeps retching.

“Here, Tsukishima”. Both boys turn their heads towards the voice, only to find Daichi smiling gently at them, holding out tissues and another plastic bag. Tsukishima wipes his mouth, his blush deepening when Daichi kindly ruffles his hair.

“Do you want me to ask Takeda if we can stop?”. Tsukishima would rather die than attract more attention that’s already coming his way, so he tries to shake his head to say no. Big mistake. Next thing he knows, he is puking in the second bag, handed by Yamaguchi and Daichi just in time again.

“Tsukishima! What’s going on? You’re looking to take Hinata’s place by being the one barfing on the bus this time!?”, Tanaka yells, leaning against his seat, towering over him.

“Tanaka, leave him alone”, Daichi warns, frowning.

“Aw, come on, Daichi, I’m just joking! Puking stories are always funny”.

“Yeah, you didn’t seem to find it hilarious when Hinata threw up in your lap”, Daichi points out, and all Tanaka can do is grumble a muffled apology before sitting back down.

“Huh, Daichi? Do you have any more bags?”, Asahi asks, shaking. After seeing his underclassman vomiting twice in a row, the ace didn’t feel so well either, now. Know the adage, ‘Monkey see, monkey do’?

“Same for me, please”, Kinoshita mumbles, while Ennoshita starts to take his distance from his seatmate.

Suga unbuckles his belt and gets up to join his captain, giving bags to their team members who need them, while Kiyoko goes to the front of the bus.

“Sir, I think we need to stop”, she tells Takeda, in her usual monotonous voice. Takeda and Ukai, who was half-sleeping in his own seat, looked at her, surprised.

“Huh? But our next stop is planned in thirty minutes anyway, why…”

A loud gagging sound can be heard from the back of the bus, before something splatters all over the floor.

“C’mon, Noya! You usually have a better aim than that!” Tanaka yells. Nishinoya coughs before wiping his mouth with his sleeves.

“Shut up, Ryuu! Not my fault, it happened so fast!” Nishinoya responds with just as much gusto.

Kiyoko’s placid eyes are fixed on her teacher.

“So, we need to stop because Tsukishima, Asahi, Kinoshita, and now Nishinoya are all throwing up”, she says, her voice not betraying any sense of panic.

“Yes, I can hear that”, Takeda says while Ukai groans, rubbing the sleep from his face. They need to clean the bus now. Great.

The bus mercifully pulls into a rest stop. Tsukishima is among the first to get off from the bus, a clammy hand clamped to his mouth. It takes nearly twenty minutes for the bus and the kids to be clean and dry again. Fortunately, Yachi and Kiyoko were prepared for everything and had medication against motion sickness for anyone who needed it. Or rather, anyone who was ordered by Ukai and Takeda to take them before they could get on the bus again.

Tsukishima slumps back into his seat, resting his head against the window once again. He is utterly exhausted and miserable. His stomach is still doing loops, and he just prays that the medicine will help him not to be sick again. It’s 10 P.M., and they are still in Miyagi. It is going to be a long night. Tsukishima grinds his teeth, wishing he had something to chew on. Ever since he was a kid, he had the habit of constantly chewing on a lot of things. Crayons, pens, his brother’s sleeves, his own sleeves, some of his figurines and stuffed toys… He doesn’t know why, but that sensation always helps him calm down. It was often a welcoming distraction from other sensory inputs. The same reason why he still has his thumb in his mouth when no one is looking, which is embarrassing enough as it is. Only three people in the world know about that: his mom, Akiteru, and Yamaguchi, and that would be it. The CIA couldn’t waterboard this little fact out of him. Hopefully.

But he has nothing to chew on. Oh, he does have his chewable diplodocus necklace under his sweatshirt, but to reiterate, he would rather die than use it in front of everyone. The same reason why he can’t jam his thumb in his mouth right now to distract himself. And boy does he need a distraction, stat. The smell of disinfectants is pungent, although it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else and is, without a doubt, a better smell than that of vomit. Now that Nishinoya feels a lot better, he and Tanaka are back to being their usual, noisy selves. And Daichi, while well-meaning, only adds to the noise when he yells at them to shut up. Tsukishima slips on his headphones. At least, the noise quiets down a little. Not as much as he’d like, but it’s better than nothing. He looks at his phone and selects a podcast about sharks. Geeky, nerdy podcasts or documentaries always soothe him. Hopefully, it will also distract him from both his car sickness and his threatening sensory overload.

As the hours go by, the breaks are coming far and few in between, as everyone is starting to fall asleep, and unless someone needs the restroom, Takeda and Ukai try not to take too many breaks, so as to avoid waking them up. Which means Tsukishima is soon faced with his other dilemma: he is positively, entirely wiped out. Tired, exhausted, you name it, he is it. But as he stated earlier, he always has trouble falling asleep in an unfamiliar place. And the bus is no exception. He looks around him, his eyelids heavy. Besides him, there are only three people who are awake: Takeda, who is currently driving, Ukai, who has finished his previous nap, and Yamaguchi, who looks just as weary as his childhood friend.

“Yamaguchi, go to sleep”, Tsukishima whispers, his headphones taken off. Yamaguchi startles a bit before looking at him.

“No, Tsukki, I’m fine. I don’t feel tired”. Which would have been convincing had he not yawned right in the middle of his sentence. Yamaguchi chuckles a bit, embarrassed.

“Yeah, your solidarity moves me to tears, really, but you do not have to force yourself to stay awake because I can’t fall asleep”, Tsukishima quietly says.

“I want to keep you company. And make sure you’re alright”, Yamaguchi protests just as quietly.

“There’s no need for it, Yamaguchi. Also, I’m fine. I don’t have nausea anymore, okay? So, if you feel like sleeping, do not fight it”. Yamaguchi looks at him, trying to decipher his expression, searching for the truth, the white little lies, the cracks in his friend’s foundation.

And in doing so, he sees that Tsukishima is wriggling his hands, the bottom of his hoodie all torn up from him messing with it. He notices that Tsukishima is rocking slightly and that his legs are bouncing impatiently. A few seconds pass, and he sees Tsukishima almost putting his thumb in his mouth. He is getting antsy, and it never leads to anything good. He knows the day has been long. They had their morning training, all their classes, afternoon practice that ended rather late, and then, they left less than a couple of hours after that. Yamaguchi knows his friend did not have the time to unwind. His composure is starting to crack, and Yamaguchi flashes back to all the times Tsukishima either had a panic attack or a meltdown in those kinds of situations.

“Hm, tell me about the podcast you were listening to. Maybe if it’s boring enough, I’ll fall asleep”, Yamaguchi teases. Tsukishima frowns.

“It stated that the Greenland sharks have the longest lifespan among all shark species. Scientists think it can live between 250 and 500 years. So, I thought about the living organism with the longest lifespan, glass sponges…

-As one does”, Yamaguchi interrupts gently, tongue in cheek. Tsukishima frowns again, lightly taping his friend on the arm, but Yamaguchi sees the hint of a smile on his lips, and considers it was worth it.

“Glass sponges can live up to more than 10,000 years. And I started to think about how insane that is, based on the timeline we use. Can you imagine? Let’s say a Greenland shark is currently 378 years old. That would mean it was born in the Edo Period, during the Kan’ei era, although you could say it is a bit ethnocentric to phrase it that way. The Greenland shark wouldn’t care about which periods of Japan it lived through. Which would be Edo and its thirty-five eras, then there are the Meiji, Taishou, Shouwa eras, and finally, it is still living in the current one: the Heisei era”. Yamaguchi blinks. He didn’t ask for a history lesson, but he wasn’t exactly surprised either. But he does notice that, instead of calming him down as it usually does when he infodumps, Tsukishima appears even more agitated than before. Hm. Not good.

“And what about the glass sponges, Yamaguchi? Let’s say a glass sponge is currently 9947 years old. So, it would have been born during the Holocene epoch, which is the one we’re living in right now, but it would have been present at its earliest beginning. Maybe during the Boreal period. Anyway, I started to imagine what it would be like to live that long. To witness so many events, so many battles, wars, devastating, life-changing events, and… And I have vertigo, now”. So does Yamaguchi. Thanks, Tsukki!

“Hum”. He tries to come up with something that would make Tsukishima feel better, but he is all out of ideas. Seriously, he wasn’t trained for that. His friend had always been peculiar, and for the most part, that’s what makes Tsukishima so fascinating and unique. But sometimes, even Yamaguchi wants to yell at Tsukki’s brain to leave them both alone.

“I just don’t like the idea of such a long lifespan”, Tsukishima whispers, his breath speeding up a tad. Uh, oh.

“Kids? Everything okay? Why ain’t you sleeping?”. Both Yamaguchi and Tsukishima get startled by the sudden, gruff intrusion. Their coach is looking at them, scratching his stubble, as if wondering what he is supposed to do with two insomniac teens.

“Oh, hum. We were talking about… About…”. Yeah. Yamaguchi has no idea how he is supposed to sum up Tsukishima’s logorrhea.

“Mostly, I was telling Yamaguchi about Greenland sharks and glass sponges. Those are the animals with the longest lifespan, and it just made me feel lost in it, like I was drowning in a sea of infinite time, periods, eras, epochs, and that there was no end to it”, Tsukishima says, his voice as composed as ever, but Yamaguchi knows him well enough to detect his anxiety bubbling up the surface.

“Huh…” is all their coach has to say as his eyes widen. Greenland sharks? What, were they Viking sharks? Glass sponges? What on earth was the kid going on about? Ukai sighs, rubbing his eyes.

“A’ight, huh…”.

“That dark, infinite sea, it’s just like the one we’re in, currently”, Tsukishima mutters, as he fiddles with his fingers some more, looking down.

“Dark? Like, because it’s the night?”, Ukai tries. He can see the kid’s breathing is starting to get a bit erratic, and his tics, or whatever these nervous gestures are called, are also getting worse. He’d seen the kid having meltdowns during practice. But he knows this is a bit different. Either way, he needs to calm the kid down before he starts hyperventilating.

“Okay, okay, slow down, boy. I’m not smart, and I’m not a genius like you, alright?”. Tsukishima nods and lets Yamaguchi hold his hand in a comforting, grounding gesture.

“It just feels endless, and I know it’s not, but it does feel endless”, Tsukishima mutters again. Ukai scratches the back of his head. He wasn’t paid enough for that… Okay, granted, he wasn’t paid at all, but who’s counting? Besides his bank accountant.

“Okay, kiddo, first, take a deep breath, alright?”. When he sees both kids do that, he continues. “Second, you’re right, the journey’s not endless. I know it feels like it, but we’ll arrive in Tokyo in around five hours, tops. Well, maybe six, if traffic is bad. Why don’t you try to sleep? Time’ll go faster that way”. Tsukishima shakes his head.

“Time does not go faster when we are asleep, though”, he counters, frowning. “The Earth would still rotate at the same pace as usual. We simply wouldn’t notice it”. Ukai represses another sigh. Man, smart people like him were kinda hard to deal with. Not because they were insufferable. But simply because they were hard to follow.

“Uh, yeah, you’re right. Just try to relax, and go to sleep, okay?”. He notices that Tsukishima squirms a lot. Which is rather unusual. The boy usually has a worrying lack of energy.

“Hum, do you need the bathroom?”. It’s dark, but Ukai sees well enough to see Tsukishima’s cheeks going pink.

“No. I… I can’t sleep”, Tsukishima quietly admits, as if he were confessing to having killed the emperor.

“Ah. You’re not tired?”. Tsukishima’s face tells the opposite. His eyes are swollen, there are dark circles already appearing underneath them, and he is paler than usual.

“He is. It’s just that he always has trouble falling asleep when he’s not in a familiar environment”, Yamaguchi answers on his friend’s behalf.

“Oh”. So, the kid was exhausted. And so was Yamaguchi. It was sweet of him to stay awake as a way of supporting his friend, but gee, these two seem a bit codependent.

“I see. Is there anything I can do to help you guys?”. Both teens shake their heads. To be honest, Ukai is out of his depth here. He has no training to take care of a teenager, let alone a special-needs teen. Takeda is the one who deals with Tsukishima the most, although he doesn’t have any specific background for it either. But he does have a much easier time than Ukai at managing and helping him. He once told him that, when he learned he would have an autistic student, he did some research to help him and make sure he’d be alright during classes and practices. Ukai admires his dedication. And judging by Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s surprised reactions at the beginning of the year, it might have been the first time that a teacher would get out of their way like this to better understand him.

Ukai exchanges some more unhelpful platitudes and advice with the kids, telling them to try and get some rest because they’ll start right after breakfast when they arrive. Then, he goes back to the front of the bus, sitting next to Takeda. He can’t shake the feeling that he is utterly useless. Both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were exhausted, but he wasn’t able to help them. He just hopes they will eventually fall asleep, because he’s afraid they won’t be in great shape in the morning otherwise. He also hopes Tsukishima is not about to have a freak out all of a sudden, because his breathing was a bit fast. And so was his speech. Usually, the kid doesn’t say much, and what few words he does, it’s slow and deliberate.

“Is everything okay, Ukai?” Takeda asks him, still focused on the road. The coach sighs, itching for a cigarette. There were some aspects of his job that he hadn’t taken into consideration when he accepted it. Notably, dealing with teenagers and helping them, and not just with volleyball. They need to nurture the kids so they can give their best freely on the court. He knows that. But it’s harder than he thought.

“It’s Tsukishima. He and Yamaguchi are the only ones who still aren’t sleeping. From what I got, Tsukishima has a problem with falling asleep in unfamiliar places or something like that?”. Takeda nods.

“Hm. It makes sense. Children, even teenagers, like routines. And it’s especially true for an autistic child, apparently. I do recall Tsukishima being sleepier than usual during our Golden Week camp. I guess the change of environment upsets him than he’d let on”.

“Yeah. But… I don’t know, the kid was acting weird. All spacey, and he actually talked to me, really fast. Bunch of words I didn’t get, by the way. I mean, come on, usually he doesn’t go out of his way to talk with me, or anyone else who’s not Yamaguchi”. Takeda smiles at that.

“Yes, it’s true. It’s been four months since school started, and from what I can tell, Tsukishima hasn’t gotten any closer to anyone in the club. Or even in his class, for what matters. He seems to crave privacy and quiet. And let’s be real, the other boys are anything but quiet and calm”, Takeda says, chuckling. It’s true. The boys were all rather rambunctious. Ah, youth.

“Specs, do you think his autism makes it harder for him to connect with people? Could it be a problem in the team, later down the road?”, Ukai asks, concerned. And angry and disappointed in himself. He hates the idea of doubting the kid just because of his disability. Or his personality. Takeda ponders his question.

“Hm, well, yes, partly at least. Just like Kageyama, Tsukishima has issues with communicating with others. But it’s more than that, and we shouldn’t blame it all on his autism. I think his personality also gets in the way. Not intentionally. He’s just a very guarded kid; it’ll take him longer to let his walls down. But I do think that eventually, the others will win him over. Yamaguchi or someone else might be the bridge for that”. Ukai looks at the teacher and nods. He was right. They need to trust the kids. All of them.

“Wait, did you say he was behaving weirdly?” Takeda asks, frowning. Ukai nods.

“Yeah, but not like when he’s having a meltdown, you know? It was… Different? Like I said, he was speaking really fast, and I thought he was having trouble breathing. But he seemed better on that aspect before I left. I would’ve stayed by his side otherwise”, Ukai quickly adds. Takeda smiles again.

“I know. I suppose he was feeling anxious, maybe that’s why he was acting like that”.

“Huh. That’s odd. I never thought Tsukishima could have anxiety. Asahi, Yachi, and Yamaguchi, yeah, I totally see it, but Tsukishima is just so… in control, y’know? He’s always cool-headed. Well, unless he’s having a… a sensory overload? Is that the word?”. Takeda nods.

“I’m not surprised. Usually, kids like that, who are very in control and so stoic, most of the time, it’s just a façade. A way to protect themselves from the exterior world. And when a kid is in control, it’s typically because they have anxiety and they’re trying to curate it by controlling every aspect of their life and by concealing everything. Which isn’t healthy or helpful, but I can’t fault them for that. It’s often the only tool at their disposal.  And they’re more likely to have self-esteem or confidence issues. I mean, remember your own teenage years. And your classmates. Some who seemed so confident, almost arrogant, were riddled with anxiety or self-hatred. They were actually the most fragile and vulnerable of all”, Takeda explains. And Ukai reflects on his own adolescence. On how, sometimes, he wanted to hide from the world. Afraid of being judged, being mocked on and off the court. And how he’d never let it show. Because that would be showing a weakness, a vulnerability. And no one, especially a teen, wants to do that.

“Huh. That makes a lot of sense”, Ukai whispers. Then, he glances towards Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. “Wait, do you think I should go check on him again? To make sure that he’s not having a panic attack or something?”. Not that he would be able to guide him through it anyway. Oh, man, he really needed to add a few tricks up his sleeve if he wanted to be a good coach.

“Hmm… Unless one of them seems too much in distress, let’s not overcrowd them. They’re clearly very used to one another, and Yamaguchi is better than us at helping Tsukishima”. Ukai hums quietly. Takeda was right. It was all going to be okay.

Finally, after hours of driving, they arrived in Tokyo. Ukai cracks his back as the boys all run off the bus to happily (and loudly) greet the Nekoma team. He hears Takeda laughing a little.

“Ah, I think they’ve finally solved their sleeping issues”. Ukai turns his head and nearly facepalms. Tsukishima was finally sleeping… standing up against the bus, seemingly unaware that they had arrived.

“Are you kidding me? Now he’s asleep?”, Ukai mutters. A few seconds later, he sees Nishinoya, in his 159cm glory, pushing and guiding a still very sleepy Tsukishima.

“C’mon, dude, wake up already! We’re here! We’re gonna eat breakfast and then, training begins!” the libero yells excitedly. Tsukishima simply yawns, rubbing his eyes. An equally zombified Yamaguchi follows them sleepily. Uh… Yeah. It was going to be alright, surely, Ukai thinks as the morning sun is already warming them up, announcing a particularly hot week in the capital.

Chapter Text

Day 1 of the training camp in Tokyo. So far, not so good. The breakfast had been a bit of a disaster. It took almost five minutes to convince Tsukishima to at least enter the Shinzen cafeteria once he saw how many hungry and noisy students were packed inside. This was only half the battle. Yamaguchi had to then coax him gently for him to eat at least small portions, before Tsukishima took advantage of Tanaka and Nishinoya having a loud discussion with some of the boys from Nekoma to sneak out of the cafeteria.

But then, the real training started. Tsukishima felt his ears explode as soon as he stepped inside the vast gymnasium. It was twice as wide as theirs at Karasuno, and it had four teams currently doing drills. In total, there must have been close to one hundred players, plus a dozen coaches, teachers, supervisors, and half a dozen managers, including their two own. What little is inside his stomach is not settling great. Before he can make a quick dash towards the door and freedom, Daichi grips his arm firmly, smiling at him.

“Now, now, let’s go, Tsukishima!”.

“Yeah! Those city boys ain’t got nothing on us!”, Tanaka hollers. Tsukishima winces. First of all, he was too loud. They all were. Second, of course, those “city boys” have everything on them. How could they not see it? Those teams were all so much better than they were. They stood no chance; it was ridiculous to think they could win any of their practice matches. What was the point, giving your all against an adversary way too powerful compared to you? It felt crushing. Soul-crushing. But Tsukishima didn’t say that, because he knew it was a waste of time.

And he was proven right. Very quickly, actually. Their team ends up being decimated each time, at every match they participate in. It pains him to admit it, but without the idiot duo, they are nothing. It’s not even noon when it hits him: if he weren’t there, it wouldn’t change anything for the team. If Kageyama and Hinata were there but he wasn’t, the team would still be just as strong. The familiar sensation of the pang in his chest made itself known again. It just kept growing as the hours went by. Each time he was blocked. Each time he failed to block. Or to spike. Or to serve. He doesn’t know what’s more suffocating: the temperature, the crowd, or his own anxiety. He never should have come. He never, ever, ever, should have joined that stupid club. He –

“Oi, Glasses? Ya alright?”. Tsukishima catches his breath as Kuroo is suddenly very close to him, his face only a few centimeters away from his, watching him curiously. How much did he space out not to realize that Nekoma’s captain got so close to him!? The younger boy takes a step back, hoping he could blame his blushing on the heat, rather than on whatever Kuroo was doing to his body. Stupid hormones.

“Nothing. I’m just…”, Tsukishima trails off as Kuroo’s shark grin widens as he gets even closer to him. Tsukishima takes another step back, still not meeting the captain’s eyes. And speaking of captains…

“Hey, Kuroo! Stop bothering my junior!”, Daichi yells playfully.

“Not my fault, he’s too cute not to tease!”, Kuroo pleads. Okay. Wait. What? Cute?

“Yeah, well, he’s not yours to tease! Tease your own first-years, not ours!”, Tanaka replies. Seriously, could everyone back off and shut up so Tsukishima could rewind what just happened!? Kuroo said he was cute. Granted, it wasn’t a direct compliment but…

“Tsukishima? Are you okay? You’re a bit red”, Sugawara asks him nicely. Tsukishima blinks several times before nodding as he drinks from his bottle, trying to give himself some composure.

“It’s lunch time, and Tsukishima, this time, I expect you to eat everything on your tray! I’m counting on you!”, Daichi says. Ugh. Tsukishima knows it’s not very polite, but he can’t hold back a sigh. Why, why was everyone so obsessed with his eating habits!? They weren’t his mother!

“Oh? You too, you also have a picky eater and bird-appetite player in your team? And yes, Kenma, I’m talking about you!”, Kuroo says, addressing the last bit to his setter, who groans.

“Ugh, I’ve already told you, Kuro, I don’t 'eat like a bird', I simply don’t overeat like most of you”. Yes, exactly. Thank you very much, dear Nekoma setter whom Tsukishima doesn’t know that well but still agrees with, nonetheless.

After finally getting rid of his pushy, though well-meaning, team and Kuroo, Tsukishima manages to make a quick detour to the infirmary to have his meds, with Yamaguchi on his heels. And now, for the second time today, was one of his worst nightmares: mealtimes. With around a hundred people. The cafeteria they had lunch at was even bigger than the one they ate in this morning. And the lights? Neon upon neon.

“I’m not going”, he simply declares, before trying to take off. Right on cue, Tsukishima finds himself face to face with Daichi, who has his “You better behave” patented smile on his face.

“Come on, Tsukishima! Time to eat!”. Less than two minutes later, Tsukishima is sitting down at his team’s table, with a tray a bit too full for his taste, surrounded by his upperclassmen who intend to make him eat. Why were they acting like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, trying to fatten him up before cooking him into a stew!?

They’re sitting too close to him. The smell of the food is too overpowering. The lights hurt his eyes. And of course, the noise. It bleeds into his ears. He can pick up several different discussions, different intonations. He can hear two or three people, a couple of tables away from theirs, having a spat. He can’t tell if it’s heated or in good jest. All he knows is that they’re annoying him. Then, there’s the noise of people chewing, swallowing their food, drinking their water, and even though no one else seems to care about that, Tsukishima feels these tiny noises still drilling holes into his skull. He wants his headphones. He wants to scream. He wants to go home. He wants it to stop. But it’s not possible. So, trying to ignore the agony between his ears, he picks at his food. Each bite is yet another sensory input just piling up upon another one, and Tsukishima has to fight his nausea every time.

He glances at the clock. He’s been here for less than ten minutes. He barely ate one-third of his plate, but he doubts he could do more. He also doubts Daichi or Sugawara will let him leave the table, unfortunately. He so wishes he could. Or at least bang his head against the table until he blacked out. Or maybe bang his teammates’ heads instead. How gross could they be!? They are in high school and still have zero manners. Talking, eating with your mouth open? And did they have to make that much noise? Ugh! And can’t someone turn the lights off? His eyes are hurting so much, he’s getting close to ripping them off.

“Uh… Tsukishima, you good, bro?”, Nishinoya asks as he is scarfing down the giant portion of rice on his tray.

“Oh, yeah. You look pissed. Like, more than usual, I mean”, Tanaka adds. “Come on, dude, just relax and eat. How hard can it be?”.

“I would probably be in a better mood if you people had manners that didn’t remind me of Jabba the Hutt”, Tsukishima spats before he can stop himself. Internally, he bites his tongue and tells himself that he was dumb. Externally, his sour expression tells the others that they’re dumb.

“What the hell did you just say!?”, Tanaka yells. Tsukishima winces. Why, why did he have to be so loud? Had Tanaka never heard of a little concept called indoor voice?

“You two, enough!”, Daichi says, his booming voice rising easily above the loud chatters in the cafeteria, making people stop talking to look at them. Tsukishima flinches involuntarily before bringing his hands to his ears.

“Sorry, Daichi…”, Tanaka apologizes before shooting a worried glance at his underclassman. Yamaguchi has his right hand rubbing soft circles on his friend’s arm, trying to soothe him, while Daichi starts to feel a bit guilty.

“Hum, Tsukishima? Everything’s fine. I’m not mad, okay?”. No response from the taller boy.

“Tsukishima, do you want to go take some fresh air?”, Sugawara suggests. “Ah, you’re not being punished! I just figured you’re starting to get a bit overwhelmed”, he quickly adds, not wanting his junior to mistake his intention. Tsukishima nods, his hands still clapped over his ears.

“I’ll go with you, Tsukki!”, Yamaguchi says as his friend gets up.

“It’s okay, Yamaguchi. Finish your lunch, I’ll accompany Tsukishima”, Daichi says, smiling gently at him as he guides Tsukishima out of the cafeteria. In the corner of his eyes, his hands still covering his ears, Tsukishima sees Kuroo giving him a glance he can’t quite decipher. Pity? Curiosity? Hard to say. Hard to know. Hard to see. He hated the idea of people looking at him in this state, but it was even worse if Kuroo witnessed it. He doesn’t really know why. It’s stupid. Who cares, really?

Daichi sits him down on the stairs, a little bit further in the hallway, far from the noise and the ruckus. As Tsukishima rests his head in his arms, knees brought up against his chest, Daichi crouches down, trying to assess the situation.

“Do you need anything?”, he asks him quietly. Some seconds pass, as the noise finally stops drowning Tsukishima before the younger boy can answer.

“Head… Headphones”, he stutters, barely recovering from his sensory overload. His nails are still making marks on his skin, as his knuckles are blanching from his grip.

“Okay, I’m gonna go get them. Are they in your bag? In the dorm, right?”, Daichi asks, and when Tsukishima nods, the captain wonders if he can really leave the boy alone. And when his underclassman starts scratching himself while being seemingly unaware of what he is doing, Daichi feels like he shouldn’t leave.

“Sawamura?”. The soft voice of their teacher stops Daichi’s spiral of self-doubt and hesitation. Takeda smiles at him as he steps towards his two students.

“You can go back to the cafeteria. I’ll take Tsukishima to the dorm for a bit, so he can rest and have his headphones”. Daichi looks at his teacher, then at Tsukishima, hesitating. He doesn’t want to disobey Takeda, but he feels like a bad captain, leaving his underclassman like that. Fortunately, Takeda’s usual perceptiveness sees right through him.

“Do not worry, Sawamura. I’ll take it from here”. Daichi nods before leaving after ruffling Tsukishima’s hair gently and quickly. Once he was sure he had stopped shaking, Tsukishima stood up from the stairs before silently following Takeda, his eyes fixed on the ground. The only time he looks up, he sees Kuroo leaning out of the cafeteria, and the blond teen feels his entire face and body heat up in shame and self-loathing. Why, why did Kuroo have to witness him being led to the dorms, like an unruly, bratty little kid being punished by his mommy?

He tries to put an end to his negative thoughts as he sits down in the dorm, to no avail. Seriously, how could he already have a meltdown on the first day!? How ridiculous was that? He could have understood if he’d freaked out on the third or fourth day, when the frustration and anxiety had accumulated, but nooooo, he had to be a big baby on the first day! He barely held it together until lunch. And Kuroo saw it. Gah, why does he always circle back to Kuroo?

“Tsukishima? Here are your headphones”, Takeda whispers. There was no need anymore for them, since they were away from the noise. But Tsukishima still wanted them, still needed them. So, he puts them on his head, enjoying the light pressure against his ears as he keeps fiddling with his fingers, almost roughly pulling on them.

“Tsukishima, try that”, Takeda suggests softly. He looks at him and sees that his teacher is holding an infinity cube.

“I don’t know if you have a lot of fidget tools, but I’ve heard that they can be quite useful to self-regulate”. Hesitantly, Tsukishima takes it.

“T… Thanks”, he stutters. He appreciates Takeda’s efforts to understand and help him, even if it’s awkward sometimes. He lets his fingers run on the smooth surface of the infinity cube. It’s made of dice, and the slight round bumps have a strangely soothing effect on him. It doesn’t take him long before he starts playing with, immersing himself in all the possibilities he can fold the cube into. He tries to quiet down that annoying little voice telling him that he was childish for being soothed by that, simply focusing on regaining his composure. His eyes were heavy, and he had that fuzzy, cottony feeling that he always had after a meltdown, although that one hadn’t been that bad.

“Tsukishima, would you like to rest for a bit until training starts again?”, Takeda asks him. The boy frowns slightly. He was determined to prove that he wasn’t a baby. He didn’t need to take a nap. God, he was pathetic, why –

“Tsukishima, you haven’t slept at all during our travel here, right?”, Takeda asks, interrupting his overthinking.

“Huh… No, sir. I didn’t”.

“So, rest. Your lack of sleep is probably why your meltdown happens faster”, Takeda reasons. “Ah, sorry, I don’t want to sound patronizing. It’s just… There is no shame in being tired. And there is no shame in needing to rest”, he adds. Tsukishima nods. He’s not fully convinced, but he does want to be alone for a little bit. Satisfied, Takeda leaves the room.

Tsukishima didn’t manage to sleep. The opposite would have surprised him. But he does feel better and rested now that he has had the time to cool down. Well, except for his shame and guilt that is eating him alive, feeding his anxiety, making it bigger and bigger until he can feel it sitting on his chest, constricting his breathing. How was he going to face his team after his pathetic outburst? Granted, they already saw him having more, err, visual and brutal meltdowns, but still. This was embarrassing. Everything was. And Kuroo? Nope, not going here. He needs to stop thinking about Nekoma’s hot captain. Nope, wait, scratch that, he’s not Nekoma’s hot captain, he’s just Nekoma’s captain. He wasn’t hot. Okay, Kuroo wasn’t ugly, obviously. Tsukishima pinches himself lightly, scolding himself mentally. Dumbass. Now wasn’t the time to think with your, err, southerner brain.

A light knock on the door, fortunately, interrupts him before his stupid hormone-addled brain decides to act on its own.

“Tsukishima? Do you feel better? Ready for the afternoon training?”, Daichi asks. Tsukishima nods as he stands up, stretching lazily. He slips the infinity cube in his short pocket. It is only then that he notices a slightly flustered Tanaka.

“Hey, Tsukishima. I, huh… I’M SORRY!”, Tanaka suddenly shouts, before clasping a hand on his mouth when he sees the younger player getting a bit startled.

“Shit. Sorry”, Tanaka apologizes quietly, trying to modulate his voice.

“Hm. It’s… It’s okay. I… I also apologize. I should not have snapped at you”, he says, fiddling with his fingers again, not making eye contact. He needed to show that he was mature. That he wasn’t a baby and that he shouldn’t be treated as one. Daichi smiles at his two underclassmen.

“Now, I’m proud of you! Tsukishima, next time you’re starting to feel overwhelmed, or like you’re about to have a, y’know, huh…

-Meltdown?

-Yes! Don’t hesitate to tell us. Or, like, if you feel like you can’t tell us, just… Y’know. Get up and leave the room or do whatever so you’ll feel better, okay? We won’t be upset”. Tsukishima nods. Yeah. He needs to work on that. Usually, he’s a bit better at managing his triggers, but in a new and unfamiliar environment, he’s often at a loss for a while.

The rest of the training is mostly okay. Mostly because he’s doing his best to avoid Kuroo. Which isn’t so hard until their paths cross in the gym, during a rare moment of calm.

“Hey, Glasses. Are you okay?”, Kuroo asks him. Kuroo’s nickname gives him an idea to stall and pretend that he is not flustered by the interaction AT. ALL: he takes off his glasses, cleaning them with the hem of his shirt.

“Hm, why wouldn’t I be?”, Tsukishima tries to ask casually, failing miserably. Not that Kuroo appears to notice.

“Oh, sorry, it’s just… I thought you were sick in the cafeteria”, Kuroo says, scratching his neck. Tsukishima puts his glasses back on, stealing a quick glance at Kuroo. Ugh. Why did he have to be so hot and beautiful!? Was it because of his earlier complaint about there being no cute or hot boys at camp? Seriously? Ugh, fate could be so immature, sometimes! Whatever. Tsukishima doesn’t care how hot Kuroo is. He really doesn’t.

“I wasn’t sick. I was… I was, hm. I wasn’t sick”, he replies, flustered. Ugh. Could he please have a break?

“Oh. Okay, that’s good to hear”, Kuroo says, smiling at him so earnestly, so frankly, so brightly, Tsukishima almost wants to put on sunglasses instead. Double ugh. Fuck that guy for being hot and nice, this shouldn’t be allowed.

“Kuroo! Stop picking on the little first years!”, Nekoma’s libero, Yaku, yells at his captain.

“Little? Yaku, he’s way taller than you! Like, by a huge margin!”, Nekoma’s newbie, Lev Haiba, happily and blissfully replies. Which, thankfully, earns him the ire of his upperclassman, who kicks his ass, distracting Kuroo enough that Tsukishima can sneak off to Yamaguchi’s side.

Speaking of Yamaguchi, he’s looking at him intensely, and Tsukishima doesn’t like that.

“What?”, he mutters.

“Hmmm…”.

“Seriously, what?”, he insists.

“Hmm… Nothing. Kuroo seems very nice, huh?”, Yamaguchi teases gently, grinning. Now, why was everyone under the extremely wrong impression that Yamaguchi was an angel ascended from Heaven, hm? He was a dick. Otherwise, Tsukishima doesn’t think they would have ever gotten along anyway.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi”. His so-called friend giggles at that, choking a small “Sorry, Tsukki”. Yup. Dick.

During the breaks, Takeda allows him to have his headphones, as long as he is still being careful and pays attention to his environment. Ugh. All of that because his mother, his doctor, and this traitor called Yamaguchi had warned the teachers that Tsukishima occasionally tends to wander off, especially if he’s overwhelmed. Seriously. You get lost a couple of times as a kid, and suddenly, everybody’s acting like you’re a constant runaway. He wasn’t. Okay, fine, sometimes, when he gets too overwhelmed or panicked, he does take off, trying to find a peaceful, quiet environment, and yeah, sometimes, he does stay hidden until he comes back to his senses. So, what?

Their next practice match is against Fukurodani. So far, they’ve lost every single one. And they had to do penalties each time. Ugh, ugh, and uuuuugh. Tsukishima feels the sweat cooling off his skin; he feels sticky and gross and wants to take a shower. Or a bath. Or a shower, then, a nice, long, bubble bath. With a nice bath bomb that smells so good and colors the water pink or purple. Yes, he likes ‘girly’ things. Is that a problem? No? Yeah, didn’t think so.

He tries to wipe as much sweat as he can before taking a sip of water.

“Ah, Tsukishima, I… I, huh, I think you should drink more!”, a squeaky voice from the ground tells him. Huh? Tsukishima looks down. Oh, yeah. The manager in training. Yachi. Right.

“Huh?”, is all he has to say. He tries to be more mindful when he talks to a girl. Can’t upset them. That’s not how his mother (and Akiteru) raised him. Not that she raised him to be an asshole to boys, but eh, he thinks most of them deserve it anyway, so who cares? Still. He doesn’t want to scare her or be mean to her. But she’s such a teeny, tiny nervous wreck, and he has forty centimeters on her and he has the worst resting bitch face, so of course, she’s always scared when she talks to him. Or anyone else, for that matter.

“Ah, sorry! It’s just that sometimes, I’ve noticed that you’re not drinking enough! Compared to others, I mean! And it’s really starting to get hot, so you need to be careful, so you won’t get dehydrated!”, she says, speaking fast, her arms scrambling in all sorts of places. Hm. She was probably right. Wouldn’t be the first time he ends up being dehydrated. Not because he doesn’t like to drink, he just tends to forget it.

“Here! Oh, and the coaches gave us sports drinks for you guys! They say the temperature is going to rise, so they want you to be fully hydrated”, Yachi dutifully explains to him, as she gives him another bottle. He nods before thanking her, and this time, he drinks as she watches carefully. He’s bothered by the attention, but he knows she means well, and she does the same with everybody. So at least, she’s not singling him out.

When the practice match starts again, Tsukishima has a hard time focusing on the ball. The rest of the team seems out of it as well. Was it… Was it really because Hinata and Kageyama weren’t there? The team’s whole energy has shifted, and not for the better. It feels unbalanced, incomplete. And once again, as the ball blasts through Tsukishima’s block, he can’t quite tell the little voice telling him how much he sucks to shut up. Because deep down, he knows the voice is right. He is lame. He is tired. He is not good enough. He’ll never be good enough. After another missed block, he impulsively pulls at his hair. Just once. It’s brief and in the ruckus of the gymnasium, almost no one notices it. But when Tsukishima turns his head to the left, he meets Kuroo’s worried gaze. He lets go of his hair, pretending that he was only scratching it. That he wasn’t hurting himself.

He takes a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. For once, he lets his mind wander a bit further than usual. He always had that strange capacity, as a child, to completely detach himself from reality. Even before the incident with Akiteru. Capacity might be a bit of an exaggeration. He didn’t really have any true control over it. And it wasn’t a superpower. No, it was simply dissociation. Shutdown. For a few minutes, it works. He sees himself out of his body, so he responds a bit better to his blocks. Not perfect. But good enough that he isn’t frustrated and angry with himself.

The loud and sudden opening of the door brings him back to reality sooner than he would have liked. He turns his head towards the sound, like everyone else.

They have finally arrived. The idiot duo, panting, looking ready to kick everyone’s ass. And just like that, Tsukishima is pissed off all over again.

Chapter Text

Tsukishima brushes the sweat off his forehead while gently massaging his temples. Ever since the idiot duo came back, the training and the matches have been more intense than ever. Their team is still, unsurprisingly, losing all matches and nearly all sets, but there is a new energy. They are all more eager, hungrier, and more determined. All of them. Except one. Tsukishima himself, of course. He has never been a very motivated person to begin with. But with what happened to his brother years ago, and his own mental health issues, it made it even more difficult for him to be determined.

Most of the time, he lacks the drive. What’s the point of giving your all if you’re going to fail anyway? It’s a waste of time, a waste of energy. And he hates false hope. He doesn’t want to hurt himself, be it physically or emotionally. Being truly, one hundred percent invested would be too dangerous. The higher you climb, the harder you fall after all, isn’t it? When Tsukishima thinks about the road ahead, he just wants to stop everything. He wants to get off the vehicle, give up, and return home rather than continue. All the matches, all the teams they might have to play against, it’s akin to a huge summit, and he feels too tired to even try climbing it.

And when it’s not his lack of drive causing him troubles, it’s his anxiety. The one yelling at him that he isn’t good enough. That he will never be good enough. That his teammates are tired of him anyway. That the coach is probably thinking about replacing him. And if he isn’t, then he should be. It gnaws at him every second he’s awake. It disturbs his sleep, because he either has insomnia or nightmares, rarely in between, and a true respite. Sometimes, he can keep it at bay. But quite frankly, he’s no longer doing a good job at it. On the second day, right after dinner, he had to sneak out to take a breather, away from everyone else. And when he was all alone with his thoughts and no music to block them out or drown them out, they ended up spiraling, swirling in his head until he couldn’t breathe.

It took him several minutes to calm down and regain some control. When he passed by the gym, he saw that they were full. Everyone was still going. After an entire day of training, drills, and practice matches. Where did they find the energy? The desire? The yearning? Everything that Tsukishima lacked. He felt his stomach twisting. When he met Yamaguchi’s gaze, he saw it. It was faint, and maybe it was just his paranoia, but Tsukishima could have sworn that his best friend, his only friend, seemed… disappointed when he shook his head ‘No’ at the implied question: do you want to do more?

It would be easy (well, almost easy) to ignore the whole team being mad or disappointed at him. Or at least, Tsukishima liked the idea that he could handle it. But not being good enough in Yamaguchi’s eyes… That one would hurt like hell. What if he ended up driving Yamaguchi away? Out of the two of them, most people would peg Yamaguchi for being the weakest, the neediest of them. The one who desperately clings to the other. Who didn’t feel complete without him. But deep down, Tsukishima knew it wasn’t the truth. Sure, they had always been in their own little bubble ever since they met, but in the past few months, Yamaguchi had truly begun to come out of his shell. He had asked Shimada to mentor him; he had gotten closer with the idiot duo and Yachi… Meanwhile, Tsukishima was just stuck. He didn’t form any meaningful bonds with the rest of the team. Not for a lack of trying on their parts. Just his. He didn’t want to let people in. Because then, they would get to see how truly lame he was. And he could feel his energy being drained even more if he got closer to other people.

Maybe that’s why he keeps avoiding Kuroo. Despite how frequently Nekoma’s captain would come across him and try to talk, Tsukishima always finds a way to get rid of him politely but quickly. He doesn’t know why, but Kuroo keeps coming to him, making jokes, always looking at him, even though he doesn’t even seem to know his name. He always calls him Glasses. How creative. How observant. He sighs and flinches a bit when the whistle blows.

“Alright, guys, that was good! Don’t lose hope and keep on fighting, okay?”, Coach Ukai tells them after the match ends. Yet another match they lost. But who’s counting? They all groan in agreement, before doing their diving drills, the usual punishment.

It only takes two minutes after they’re done for the first fight to explode in their team. With the usual culprits, Hinata and Kageyama, also known as Dumb and Dumber.

“You should have jumped higher! It was so easy to make!”, the setter yells. Of course, the tangerine takes the bait immediately. Daichi and Sugawara groan. Coach Ukai and Takeda sigh and facepalm. While the rest of the team look at the two arguing as usual, but with more bites than ever. Tsukishima can see that Yachi is stressed and anxious at the idea that they might end up in a physical fight like last time. Everyone is exhausted, on edge. It’s a good thing there’s only one more day. It’s a bad thing they’ll have to come back in less than two weeks for the other training camp, in Shinzen. That one will last an entire week, and Tsukishima already wants to find a doctor to induce him into a coma, so he’ll have an excuse not to go.

“Huh, Karasuno’s team sure is, huh… Energetic”, one of Ubugawa's players whispers to his teammate.

“Ha, yeah. They’re funny”, his friend replies, an amused expression on his face.

“Oh, please, they’re just so immature”.

Tsukishima doesn’t dare to look at who said that. It doesn’t matter who did. He knows they’re right. Their team is immature. Especially, them, the first years. And yes, he has to include himself, because truth be told, he isn’t as mature as one would think. They’re always bickering or arguing. Always. It’s either Kageyama and Hinata, or him and Kageyama, or Hinata and him. Or the three at the same time. Yamaguchi is the only one who never participates. On the contrary, he’s always the peacemaker among their group. Well, he and Yachi try, at least. Tanaka often has a firm grip on them, which is surprising given how chaotic he can be when left to his own devices with Nishinoya.

“C’mon, man, you’re being a little harsh, don’t you think? We’re all kinda immature when we’re starting high school, just chill out”.

This time, Tsukishima has no need to turn around to know who the voice belongs to. Kuroo. Ugh. How he hates that he memorized his voice, his calm, placid intonation, his teasing way… Tsukishima needs the training camp to end for several reasons, his growing attraction to Kuroo being chief among them. He doesn’t even understand why he’s so attracted to him. Okay, yes, Kuroo is hot, we’ve covered that already. But is there really nothing more? So, what, Tsukishima just happens to be yet another gay horny teenage boy who doesn’t care about anything else but physical appearance? How disappointing. He would’ve hoped he’d be more thoughtful than that and less superficial.

Kuroo notices him staring at him and grins widely.

“Hey, Glasses”. Tch. Stupid heart doing a stupid skip and a stupider loop. “D’you see anything interesting?”, Kuroo asks him. Hmph.

“No. Now, if you’ll excuse me”, he says as he takes his leave to sit on the stairs, next to Yamaguchi.

“Hey, morons, when Coach said to keep fighting, he didn’t mean it that way”, he snarks to Kageyama and Hinata, who snap their attention back to him.

“Why are you always so mean, Meanieshima!?”, Hinata yells, indignant. Tsukishima smirks. Ah, well, he’ll behave in a more mature way later. It’s too funny to tease the idiot duo, and Tsukishima believes that he deserves some fun. It’s called self-care. Ever heard of it?

“Shut up, Beanpole!”, Kageyama snarls at the same time. “And YOU could’ve also jumped higher during the match!”. Tsukishima frowns. Ugh. So annoying, that guy…

“Oh, my apologies, is His Majesty not satisfied enough with my performance? Does His Highness happen to find it subpar?”, he asks, his smirk still plastered on his face. This should be fun. He wonders if Kageyama will take the bait.

“Sub… Subwhat? Argh, you’re the worst! Just move your scrawny ass, you’re blocking the way!”. Mission accomplished. Still, though, this is the most fun Tsukishima has had since they got there. He wants to push it a little more.

“Well, since my ass is scrawny, surely you won’t have any problem circumventing me, right, King?”. Kageyama blinks and scrunches his face, the way he does when Tsukishima and Yachi are trying to explain to him simple mathematics.

“Cir… Vent? Can’t you talk like a NORMAL person!? Why do you always have to use big ass words I don’t understand!?”, Kageyama yells.

“I’m not responsible for your astonishing lack of vocabulary, King”, Tsukishima snaps in return.

“See! You keep doing it again!”. Yamaguchi groans and rubs his temples.

“Guys, enough. Let’s all calm down”.

“Yamaguchi’s right. Y’all are annoyed and snappy because it’s late, we’re exhausted, but we still have another match to play. So, settle down”, Tanaka intervenes. When he wants to, he can really act like a good, responsible, reliable upperclassman. Not that Tsukishima would ever tell him that.

“I’m not tired! Unlike Four-Eyes over here, I’ve got loads of energy!”, Kageyama protests. Tsukishima rolls his eyes.

“Yes, congratulations on having the same energy levels as a Husky puppy on methamphetamines, it’s a real exploit. Kudos, my Liege”, Tsukishima drawls. Before Kageyama can reply – or rather, before Tanaka can hold him back and tell them to knock it off once more – Kuroo and Daichi enter the gymnasium again, interrupting their little spat. Kuroo is chuckling lightly as he leans towards Karasuno’s captain.

“Tss, tss, see what I mean, my dear Daichi, when I tell you that you can’t let your kids alone for one minute?”. Daichi laughs as he agrees. Tsukishima bites his lips as he feels his face heating up. Ugh, great, now he looks like an immature brat in Kuroo’s eyes! That’s not what he wanted! Stupid Kageyama. It’s entirely his fault, really.

“Huh? Four-Eyes, why are you all red all of a sudden?”, Kageyama asks, making everyone look at Tsukishima’s blushing face. Yep. Stupid, stupid Kageyama, as Tsukishima curses him in his mind.

“I just stood too long in the sun, that’s all”, Tsukishima grumbles as he stands up and joins the gym, not wanting to let this discussion go any further. Fortunately for him, their final match of the day was about to start. Oh, joy.

During their match against Ubugawa, the tensions kept increasing between Kageyama and Hinata, still frustrated that they couldn’t create a new, better quick fast enough. They would start fighting or yelling at each other during the game, interrupting everyone until either Daichi or Ukai would intervene and berate them for it. Tsukishima doesn’t have his headphones, and so, he can hear all the whispers, all the little shared laughs about them. He knows their team is the weakest, and also the less serious one. Now, he wouldn’t say he was ashamed of it, but still. He doesn’t know why, but it stings, even though it’s all in good spirits and none of it is serious. But each time Kuroo grins and shakes his head at their team’s antics, Tsukishima hates it. And he hates it because he doesn’t want to care about Kuroo’s opinion. Or anyone else’s, really.

Tsukishima sighs. He’s exhausted, his eyes are hurting just as much as his joints, and he wants to give up everything. He can feel a dip in his mood. Not severe enough that he’ll have a breakdown right at this moment, but he knows what’s ahead of him, as it has happened several times over the last few years. He will soon have no motivation to eat or get out of bed, either sleeping too much, or not sleeping enough, simply rotting in bed, letting his imagination spiral out of control, letting his fears, his anxiety take over him. If he can hold on just a little bit longer, he’ll get to break apart for the rest of the vacation and won’t be a complete mess for the next camp. Not that he cares about that. He just wants peace. Not reproach.

He knows he’s on edge. He tries to calm himself down. And for the most part, he almost succeeds. But then, he and Kageyama bump into each other after a (failed) block, which ticked them off. Tanaka manages to keep the situation under control, but after another (failed as well) spike, Kageyama explodes.

“Are you kidding me!? Can’t you move a bit more!? It’s like you have zero energy and zero stamina!”. Tsk. Tsukishima knows the setter is partly right. He has no energy left, and his stamina is nearly over as well. He can’t breathe, his head is spinning, and he can feel the bile rising in his throat, threatening to escape. He knows part of it is because he hasn’t been eating enough. He has tried. Really. But he has even less of an appetite when he is not in a familiar, safe environment. And if he does manage to eat, he sometimes gets sick because of a sudden smell or texture that he wasn’t expecting. So, yes, he is absolutely, positively exhausted. But go explain that to someone who is as stubborn and as healthy as Kageyama. It pisses him off.

“Hush, you tyrant. Not everyone has the luxury of having as much energy as you do”, Tsukishima replies, too annoyed to ignore him.

“Luxury!? It has nothing to do with that! You’re out of breath and out of energy because you don’t train enough!”.

There is a silence on the side of their court when Kageyama finishes his sentence. To his credit, the setter does appear to regret his little outburst. But once words are out, you can’t take them back. Tsukishima knows that. Just like he knows that the setter is right. He has one of the lowest stamina on the team and he’s not exactly working hard to improve it. Just because he knows it doesn’t mean he likes being reminded of that fact. Or being blamed.

“Tch. Can you not scream like you’re talking to a dog!? You’re behaving exactly like you did in middle school”, Tsukishima says, maybe in haste, surely in anger, and in less than two seconds, Kageyama has grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Instinctively, Tsukishima digs his nails into Kageyama’s hand. Leave me alone, don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me, he chants in his mind, alerted.  

“Kageyama, Tsukishima! Enough you two!”, Coach Ukai yells at them as Tanaka and Daichi hurry to separate their teammates, who are both panting and fuming, the adrenaline suddenly high.

“Alright, that’s it. You two, out. You’re both taking a break until you’ve calmed down”, Coach Ukai tells them, his voice leaving no room for debate. Tsukishima’s ears are ringing while Kageyama seems in distress. The blond teen looks around the room, realizing that it is a lot quieter than before. Oh. A lot of the players from the other teams have stopped and are now looking at them, curious. Nosy. Either amused by their little spat or annoyed at their nuisance. And among them is Kuroo, who looks puzzled, before he focuses on his match again. Oddly enough, Tsukishima feels a bit of a pang at that.

He goes to sit on the bench, keeping his head down. Kageyama finally sits next to him. Both their coach and teacher look at them in disappointment. Ukai quickly turns back to the rest of the team, as Yamaguchi and Sugawara replace them. Now that his focus is out of the game, Tsukishima feels invaded by all the noise all at once. He can sort of manage it during a match, thanks to the adrenaline being high enough for him to tune it out a bit more. But now? Now he can hear all the squeaks of the shoes against linoleum. All the screams. All the time someone hits the ball. All the time the ball smashes against the floor. The coaches screaming, giving advice. Some other players also get heated against each other, shoving or yelling at someone else. Others tell them to calm down. But mostly, he hears his heart pounding, roaring in his chest. The other thing he can hear clearly is Kageyama’s own ragged breathing. If Tsukishima were alone, he’d be chewing on his necklace. Or hell, he’d even suck his thumb. But he’s surrounded by people, and he can’t afford to stim the way he’d like. So, he starts digging his nails into his arms. His thighs.

“Guys? What’s going on?”, Takeda asks them softly.

Tsukishima thinks about all the mistakes he has made ever since the beginning of the camp. He thinks about how far away he is from home. How he misses his own bedroom. His own quiet. His own stuff. He feels dysregulated, lost at sea. Worse than when he was on the bus, while they were heading here in the night. So, he starts scratching himself. Leaving long, red marks up and down his arms. There are many things he wants, needs to express. But he can’t. Can’t find the right words. Can’t find the right tone. He feels like it’s useless to try and explain himself. There is no point. They won’t understand. They’ll call him a baby. Dramatic. Annoying. A pain in the ass. He scratches harder. Makes the mistake of tugging at his hair. Once. Twice. Then, he feels two smaller, warm hands on his, stopping him.

“Tsukishima? Can you hear me? Do you want to go somewhere else?”. Takeda’s voice is as soft and gentle as ever as he shushes the teen boy, while looking over Kageyama. Neither teen is faring well. He needs to do something, and fast. He strokes Tsukishima’s hair lightly, hoping the kid won’t take offense to it.

“Kageyama? Do you also want to go somewhere else?”, he whispers to the other boy, who shakes his head. For a no. Then a yes. Then another no, while a strangled noise comes out of his throat.

“Sensei? There’s a room where your students can rest, if they need it. Follow me”. Tsukishima vaguely recognizes the voice of one of the managers. Takeda follows her, guiding his two pupils, who are still both scrunched up, scratching themselves, or having struggle breathing. Quickly, they arrive in a room with bare walls. Just some gym mats. A singular locker. And curtains. The room is dark. Quiet, peaceful. It looks like a storage room but nearly empty. No external stimuli. Tsukishima could cry in relief.

He hears his teacher thanking the girl. Then, Takeda sits him and Kageyama down, their backs pressed against the pile of mats.

“Do you have your cube?”, Takeda whispers to him. Tsukishima nods before taking the item in his hands. He starts playing with it. Tries several combinations. And finally, he is able to take deep breaths. He can already feel his skin and his new scars burning and hurting. A problem for another time.

Next to him, Kageyama is also coming down from his own meltdown, thanks to Takeda’s gentle tone and his expertise. From the corner of his eyes, Tsukishima sees that their teacher gives Kageyama an infinity cube. He is a bit puzzled, but then, he imitates Tsukishima and seems to relax after a bit.

“There are weighted blankets. Do you want them?”. Tsukishima nods instantly. He loves his weighted blanket and misses it so badly. But he didn’t want to take it to camp. Kageyama, for his part, seems a bit lost.

“What’s that?”, he asks, his voice still hoarse.

“It’s a heavy blanket. It feels like you’re getting squeezed but without the gross feeling of human touch”, Tsukishima replies in a sleepy murmur. Takeda smiles at his answer. Especially when Kageyama nods approvingly. He fetches two weighted blankets from the closet. Tsukishima immediately takes it, enrolling himself in it. He loves the weight on him. It’s warm. Soft. Safe.

“Huh. This feels nice”, Kageyama whispers. Tsukishima nods. He is ready to fall asleep.

“I’m going to let you two rest for a bit, alright? Unless you want us to go over the apology part of the punishment?”, Takeda asks. Tsukishima munches on his lips.

“Let’s do it now. I won’t be able to rest otherwise”. Surprisingly, Kageyama agrees.

“Alright. I want to know why you two were so aggressive with each other. Explain it to me, calmly”.

“I don’t know. I was just pissed off”, Kageyama mutters. His face scrunches up. He is trying to understand his own behavior.

“Same for me. I… I knew my eyes and ears were hurting. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was getting overwhelmed again. And it made me snappy. I should have controlled myself. Sorry”. Tsukishima can feel their eyes on him. But this time, he’s too exhausted to care. He fetches his dinosaur necklace and starts chewing on it. He needs it. Doesn’t matter if they see it.

“Oh. I… I guess I’m stressed about the quick. It’s like there’s no solution. And it makes me feel weird here”, Kageyama says, pointing at his chest, “And then, you said that thing about middle school and I thought… I thought that it was going to happen again”.

“Being abandoned by your teammates?”, Tsukishima finishes for him, his necklace falling off his mouth. Takeda is ready to intervene, noting the blond’s bluntness. But Kageyama doesn’t seem to mind it.

“Yeah”. Tsukishima nods. He mulls this one over.

“I don’t think it’d happen with our team. We won’t do that, no matter how much you piss us off”, he says, before putting his necklace in his mouth again. He’s too tired to continue the conversation.

“Thanks. And huh, sorry”. Tsukishima frowns.

“Gross. Don’t apologize. I don’t like that”.

“Fine. Then don’t apologize either. It also feels gross”.

Takeda sighs. Sure, the boys are still a bit rough around the edges, but they have apologized in their own way.

“Well, I’m proud that you were both able to express yourselves and take amends for your mistakes. Next time you feel like you might lose control and get snappy with your teammates, try to remember to take a deep breath and hold it in, for at least ten seconds. You’ll get a clearer mind. If you just go ahead and yell at someone, they’ll only get angry in return, and then it ends up in a big fight. Understand?”. When both boys nod, he smiles.

“Now rest. You’ll need it. I’ve heard Ukai mutter something about making you do some extra laps after the match”. Takeda chuckles softly when he sees them groaning. He is understanding and compassionate and so is Ukai, but they still have to discipline them when it’s necessary. During the next half an hour, neither Tsukishima nor Kageyama uttered a single word, simply focusing on decompressing and recovering.

“Oi, Four Eyes”. While Kageyama’s tone is as gruff as usual, his voice, this time, is low. And not hostile.

“What?”.

“Is that… Is that how you always feel after an episode or whatever this is called?”.

“Meltdown”, Tsukishima corrects him. With no rudeness either, for once. “And what do you mean by that?”.

“Like… Bone-tired?”. Tsukishima looks at his teammate, tucking his necklace back in his shirt.

“Yeah. Depleted”. Kageyama nods, humming, mulling this one over.

“Hm. I think it was the first time I had a meltdown. Or like, one as big, I think?”. He seems unsure. Tsukishima shrugs. He is no expert on autism. But…

“You know. You should seek a diagnosis.

“Huh?

“Hm. I think you could be autistic”, Tsukishima says, shrugging again. Kageyama frowns, and for a second, the blond wonders if the setter is going to be insulted. “Here, I’ll send you an article about autism. Read and see if that rings a bell for you”, he continues, quickly sending a link to his teammate’s email.

“Thanks? I’ll read it”, Kageyama says. Neither one of them is a great conversationalist, and the silence continues for a few more seconds until Takeda opens the door.

“Boys? Are you feeling better?”. Both nod but stay silent while helping their teacher to fold and put the blankets back into the closet.

“Sensei? How did you know about this room?”, Tsukishima asks softly.

“Oh, apparently, Kuroo is the one who signaled to his coach that you two seemed in distress. Then, Kuroo and Coach Nekomata told one of the managers to show us this room”, Takeda explains.

Upon hearing Kuroo’s name, Tsukishima’s heart skips a beat. And upon hearing that Kuroo saw him freaking out, Tsukishima’s heart breaks a bit. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. He doesn’t want Kuroo to look at him differently. Between that, the incident on the first day in the cafeteria, and his fight on the court with Kageyama, Kuroo was going to think of him as a complete weirdo, a lunatic he should avoid. Not that Tsukishima would care. Kuroo’s just another hot, very hot guy he’ll forget in a few days. Err, probably. Hopefully.

When they come back to their team, no one makes fun of them or even teases them. But they are made to apologize to their coach and their teacher. And then, they are forced to run five extra laps. Tsukishima hates every second of it. When Kuroo sees him struggling to keep up the pace with Kageyama, he shouts at him.

“Come on, Glasses! You can do it!”, with his trademark wide grin and his deep, booming voice. And when Kageyama asks him why he’s all red once again and choking on his own spit, Tsukishima just pretends that it was the sun again. And even though it was evening and the sun was setting, Kageyama just nodded and didn’t prod any further. For once, Tsukishima thanks him internally.

___________________________________________________________

Sometimes, Tsukishima thinks that the Universe is out there to get him. Or help him. Or hinder him. Or lend him a hand. He can’t decide, and apparently, neither can the Universe. This is the last day of the first training camp. They have to go in less than an hour, and Tsukishima just needed a freaking break before he had to be on the bus for hours with all his team. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes, it is.

At least, that’s what he thinks when Kuroo sits down next to him, on the roof of the building. It is quiet, and the stars are high and pretty and shiny in the sky and Tsukishima can’t help but think about how gorgeous Kuroo is in the moonlight. Nekoma’s captain is sitting right next to him, just observing him, rambling about constellations, and maybe in other circumstances, Tsukishima could be happy. But now isn’t the time. Because, of course, Kuroo approached him right when Tsukishima couldn’t talk. At all.

It happens to him frequently. Nothing to worry about. His therapist calls them “nonverbal episodes”. He was a late talker, and a terse one at that. Still, they were all quick to realize that there were moments when he couldn’t talk, even if he needed or wanted to. It was and still is hindering. Most of the time, it happens because he has been going through too many sensory overloads. Or thrown off his routine. Over the years, he and his family have developed strategies to compensate for it. Namely, Sign Language. He, Akiteru, and their mom were all fluent now. And so was Yamaguchi, who has always been eager to learn so he could help him and be his translator. In the last few months, he and Yamaguchi have started to teach their team Sign Language. At their own asking. They wanted to communicate with him, even or rather, especially if Yamaguchi wasn’t available to be the interpreter. Which was great. And sweet. Although Tsukishima would rather eat glass than admit that.

But right now, they’re alone. Just him and Kuroo. And he has no way of telling or signaling Kuroo that he can’t talk right now. What if Kuroo thinks he is rude to him? What if he leaves because he thinks he is bothering him? Sure, he kind of is, but strangely enough, Tsukishima doesn’t mind being… bothered by him. In fact, he really, really, really wouldn’t mind if Kuroo could –

“Anyway. Phew, sorry I’ve geeked on so bad the stars”. Tsukishima blinks several times. Oops, he may have spaced out a bit. He was so busy thinking about Kuroo that he didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying. Stupid hormones, once again. Kuroo stands up suddenly and cracks a smile.

“Heh. Look, your teammates seem to be looking for you”. Tsukishima gets up and stands next to him. He’s right. His team is next to their bus and seems to be looking for someone.

“I… Yeah, I guess you guys need to leave soon, huh?”, Kuroo whispers, looking down. Was that sadness in his voice and on his face? If only Tsukishima had his little paper, the one with the facial expressions and their meanings. It had saved him several times since he was a kid. Kuroo turns to look at him.

“Err, sorry. Hope I didn’t bore you to death with my impromptu astronomy lesson”. Tsukishima shakes his head in haste. Kuroo smiles at him again, while getting closer. Dangerously closer.

“Damn. You’re even prettier underneath the moonlight”, Kuroo whispers. It is so low, Tsukishima thinks he wasn’t even meant to hear it. Kuroo gets a bit closer, their faces inches away from each other.

“Hey, Glasses. Hum, do you

“Tsukki!”.

Never in his entire life had Tsukishima wanted to kill Yamaguchi, his dear, dear friend, so badly.

“Tsukki, there you are! We’ve been looking for you. The bus is gonna leave”. Oh, screw the bus! Go, shoo. Can’t Yamaguchi sense the tension between them? Seriously!

Kuroo stumbles away from Tsukishima. The boy swears that, if he gets sick on the bus again, this time, he’ll aim for Yamaguchi’s shoes. He sighs and turns to Yamaguchi.

“I’m coming. And I’m also killing you, dumbass”, he signs to his friend, before bowing slightly and politely to the older boy. He leaves as quickly as he can, not wanting him to see his burning cheeks.

“Eh? Why are you mad at me? Wait, Tsukki!”, Yamaguchi asks, before scrambling behind him after shooting an apologetic goodbye to Kuroo.

“Hm? Was that Sign Language?”, he whispers, puzzled and now alone on the roof.

In the bus, Tsukishima backtracks on his plan of killing his best friend, after Yamaguchi tells him that they could watch the two new episodes of David Attenborough’s series, Natural World, on the baboons and on the Sumatran tiger at his place. His friend knows him so well that it’s annoying. And he’ll need any and all distractions not to think about the next camp in two weeks. And it’ll be even longer than this one. Was he really going to survive that!?

Chapter Text

Tsukishima doesn’t know if he hates volleyball. But he sure hates volleyball players. They’re loud, smelly, obnoxious, and wayyy too pumped up at the idea of leaving high school at midnight, direction Saitama. For seven to eight hours. Pure madness. Tsukishima also hates how a certain hot volleyball captain/player has been plaguing his thoughts and his dreams. Some naughty, some so cheesy and romantic, he woke up flustered. Although he guessed that it was better to the, err, alternative when his dreams had been a bit less PG-rated. If you catch his drift.

Besides his unfortunately vivid imagination (damn you, puberty), the rest of the break in between the two camps hadn’t been that great. As he predicted, Tsukishima got into a pretty bad funk as soon as he was back. He slept nearly all the time. Stopped eating. Lost five pounds as a result, worrying his poor mother to death. The only thing he managed to do besides rotting lifelessly in his bed was shower, at least once every two days. Not as good as his usual daily showers, but still more than the last time his depression got so bad he stopped it altogether. He considered it a small victory. The shower also had the advantage of hiding two things he views as equally embarrassing: crying and masturbating. Not that they were shameful per se, but well, privacy is important, after all. But yeah. That was bad. So bad, in fact, that his mom had sent him to an urgent session with his shrink. It didn’t do much, but it did a little. Maybe. His brain had been rather useless during these few hazy days. All he remembers is that his doctor told him he might have misdiagnosed him, and instead of a regular depression, he had something called Persistent Depression Disorder, or “Dysthymia”. He was still on the same meds, but now, he knows that it might take longer and that he’ll have some other episodes, such as this one. Surprisingly, it didn’t elevate his mood. Who would have thought?

Yamaguchi was there nearly every day, though. Tsukishima didn’t mind that. There was no shame between them. One of the many advantages of being best friends since they were eight. They had seen each other at their worst. Tsukishima had lost count of the number of times he’d seen Yamaguchi crying. They’d both seen the other one violently throwing up or having panic attacks. Several times. Yamaguchi had been an unfortunate witness to his most severe meltdowns. And, well, how could he forget their first sleepover ever, which ended with both having wet the bed, and Akiteru comforting them and helping them do the laundry. They made a promise to never, ever, talk about that incident again. Both discovered the “joys” of puberty at the same time, such as the random, unprompted boners, acne, wet dreams, voice cracks... So, yes. There was no shame, no awkwardness between them. Yamaguchi knows about his autism. His anxiety. His depression. The problem with his brother. He had been the second person (after Akiteru) Tsukishima came out to, when they were eleven. Yamaguchi knows damn well how prickly Tsukishima can be. And yet, he has never wavered. Never tried to get rid of him. He never got tired of him, of his moods, of his sass (sometimes mean-spirited, yes, fine), of his crumbling mental health. Nearly every day, he’d come to his house and lie down with him as they’d watch documentaries, series, and films that brought them some comfort.

Yet, Tsukishima couldn’t shake the feeling that Yamaguchi was not being entirely truthful with him. It was as though Yamaguchi was refraining from saying something to his friend, which feels odd and out of place. There is usually no taboo between them. Unlike what people think, Yamaguchi is never afraid of speaking his mind to Tsukishima. But whenever the other team members start some additional training, and Tsukishima is the only one who doesn’t join them, he senses something shift in Yamaguchi’s demeanor. It never lasts long, but he can still feel it. He simply doesn’t have the words for it.

So, by the time they embark for the new, longer training camp in Saitama, Tsukishima is barely out of his depressive episode, while his anxiety keeps toying with him that maybe his only friend is finally tired of him or of his “nonchalant” attitude and that everybody is about to find out how bad he is at volleyball, how inferior, how useless… Not such a great mindset, but he’ll have to make do.

This time, he is at least better prepared for the travelling part. He took some medications against motion sickness and had sleep masks ready. Narita is the one who introduced him to them during the first camp, when he learned that his underclassman was having trouble falling asleep in unfamiliar, overstimulating environments. And kudos to Narita, because these actually work. As soon as he was home, he bought a ton of it. He also thought about bringing some stim toys (though he does feel silly thinking of them as toys), including the infinity die cube that Takeda gave him.

He doesn’t know if it’s because of the drowsiness from the medication or the mask, or his exhaustion, or maybe a combination of everything, but this time, he’s able to fall asleep about an hour after they take off. By the time he is jostled awake by the bus’s movements, it seems that his meds have stopped working. He tries to control his breathing. It’s still early, and most of the bus is still asleep, including Yamaguchi, who is snoring and drooling lightly next to him. When Tsukishima feels the bile rising in his throat, he quickly takes a plastic bag, holding it with shaky hands. He tries to be quiet and discreet, but if you know how to vomit without making any sounds, please feel free to tell him.

He wakes up Yamaguchi, who gently rubs his back as he expels the contents of his stomach. Then, Hinata wakes up and he barely has the time to mock Tsukishima and gloat that, for once, he’s not the one puking on the bus, before he starts being sick himself. And in doing so, he manages to wake up the rest of the bus, who groan at the deja vu scene.

“Well, we’re supposed to arrive in like less than half an hour, so we almost made it without anyone puking. That’s gotta be a new record, right?”, Sugawara jokes.

“It’s Tsukishima’s fault”, Hinata whines. Yamaguchi defends his friend’s honor, as the blond boy is still busy vomiting.

“Hey! Don’t blame Tsukki! How many times have you gotten sick on the bus, Hinata? For all we know, you could’ve been the first one throwing up, so it’s not Tsukki’s fault you’re sick”.

“I mean, yeah, but he did also barf last time, when we went to the first camp”, Tanaka points out.

“Ugh, make it stop”, Tsukishima mutters, wiping his mouth.

“Huh? You mean the conversation?”, Yamaguchi asks, puzzled.

“No, the bus”, Tsukishima says through gritted teeth. Daichi, as a good captain, is quick on his feet.

“Sir, can we stop somewhere and quickly, please?”.

“Aw, come on, we’re almost there”, Ukai groans, before turning to them. It takes him one second to realize that, yet another disaster is upon them.

“Hit the brakes, Specs!”.

 They finally arrive almost an hour late. The bus needed some, uh, cleaning. Again. Still, Nekoma’s team and its coach were there to welcome them into the new camp.

“Ah, finally! You guys sure love to make an entrance, hm?”, Coach Nekomata says.

“Ah, sorry about that. We had a delay, some of our students got car sick”, Takeda apologizes as he chuckles lightly.

“Are you okay, Shoyo?”, Kenma asks the redhead quietly.

“It wasn’t me!”, Hinata screams in his defense.

“Huh, yeah, you did puke, Hinata. Don’t rewrite history, bro”, Tanaka remarks.

“Tsukishima started it!”, Hinata yells, pointing out to his teammate, who was leaning against the bus, his eyes closed, Yamaguchi by his side. The taller boy winces and opens his eyes. When he notices that Kuroo is looking at him, he feels his cheeks reddening immediately. Oh, God, he hates it here. Stupid Hinata! Don’t put such images of him in Kuroo’s mind, you buffoon! He’s not going to find him hot if he pictures him being sick. The last humiliating moments of the previous camp are also still fresh in Tsukishima’s mind. Yeah. He really has no chance with Kuroo, huh? He probably just views him as a whiny, childish kid who needs to take breaks and naps and is car sick like a big baby. It’s not fair, really.

“You know, Tsukki… I’ve noticed that Kuroo is always looking at you”, Yamaguchi tells him during the first break. Tsukishima wipes the sweat from his brows before sipping his water. Electrolytes. Yachi’s order. Because of the heat and how much he got sick on the bus. Which, of course, Kuroo heard. Yay.

“Okay. And?”, Tsukishima asks, trying to play it cool. He’s just glad Yamaguchi can’t hear his stupid little heart going Ku-roo, Ku-roo, Ku-roo, rhythm and all. Pathetic.

“I mean… Don’t you have a crush on him?”. Less than a second later, Yamaguchi frantically pats his back as his childhood friend keels over, choking on his water.

“I don’t have a crush on him”, Tsukishima ushers, glancing worryingly around them, making sure they couldn’t be heard. Yamaguchi stared at him, skeptical. Tsukishima sighs, scratching his head.

“Okay, fine. I think he’s hot. But that’s just it! It’s not like I’m in love with him or anything, I just… I just find him hot and attractive, and that’s it. I don’t even know him enough to develop a crush on him”.

“And whose fault is that? Tsukki, he always talks to you, he clearly wants to know you better, and you just… shy away from him. Like you’re avoiding him”. Of course, he’s avoiding Kuroo. Because Kuroo is passionate about volleyball. Tsukishima isn’t. Kuroo clearly wants everyone to enjoy, love volleyball, and give it their all. And that’s not what Tsukishima wants. No, thank you. He can’t really say that to his friend without risking another lecture, so instead, he tries a different angle.

“There are 370 kilometers between us”. It’s weak. He knows. But it’s something.

“There’s this little thing called the Shinkansen. Pretty neat thing. Fast too”, Yamaguchi counters. And so sarcastically, on top of that. Damn. Maybe Tsukishima really is a bad influence on him.

“He’ll be in college next year”. An even weaker argument. Given Tsukishima’s usual taste in men, Kuroo is actually the closest in age. It sure is more appropriate for him to crush on Kuroo than, say, Ukai… Or a college friend of his brother, like last year.

“So? Who cares? Tsukki, you don’t even have to enter into a deeply committed relationship with the guy. It could be just a summer fling. No strings attached”, Yamaguchi argues. Hm. He has a point. Maybe Tsukishima and Kuroo could just… fool around a bit and go back to their normal, respective, separated lives? But…

“I mean, what’s the point? He’s probably not even attracted to guys, or to me, anyway. It’s just useless to make speculation about that”. This time, Yamaguchi rolls his eyes.

“Then, just ask him. You’ll never know if you don’t ask! And it’ll be more useful than just staring at him hopelessly”. Tsukishima almost takes a step back, surprised by his friend’s tone. Still in a daze, they join the team again in silence.

The first day proved to be exhausting. And the beating, rising heat didn’t help. Neither did the new environment. Tsukishima had trouble eating again, and once again, his team was insufferable, trying to get him to eat. Even the coach and the teacher insisted. Maybe they’d noticed his recent weight loss. Yamaguchi certainly did. He keeps giving Tsukishima sweets and snacks he knows he loves. He’s also allowed to wear his headphones during mealtimes, which actually does help. And he manages to ignore the few curious glances in his direction.

Then, after the final practice, everybody stays to do some more. When Yamaguchi asks him if he wants to train some more, and Tsukishima refuses, his friend seems briefly disappointed before getting back into his supplementary practice. As Tsukishima starts wandering outside, desperately needing fresh evening air, his brain is working overtime. Is Yamaguchi mad at him? Disappointed? Worried? Angry? See, this is why he should be carrying his laminated charts of emotions on him, all the time! He grips his towel. God, he’s so tired already. He just wants… He just wants… Well, that’s the problem. He doesn’t know what he wants. Unlike everybody else, he doesn’t have a specific goal in mind. He knows what he doesn’t want, though. Caring. Caring for volleyball. He doesn’t want to be hurt. But what if, in doing so, he ended up hurting Yamaguchi? What if he becomes a burden for the team? Maybe it’ll be better if they dump him all of a sudden. Yeah. Probably for the best, right? But… Would Yamaguchi still be his friend? Or would he be so disgusted with him that he would also leave him?

He could feel his mind spiraling, inventing an absurd scenario of his childhood best friend suddenly turning into an awful person who didn’t love him. Which was, as said previously, absurd. Yamaguchi would never do that. But then, five seconds later, he would take it as a serious possibility. He could feel his chest tightening, his breath hitching, his palms sweating when, mercifully, an annoying voice interrupted his burned-out brain.

“Oi, Glasses from Karasuno!”. Kuroo. Oh, come on. There were more than a hundred of other people but somehow, he and Kuroo always crossed paths. What were the odds? If he were in a better mood, he’d probably calculate them, so as to soothe his poor nerves. Like the giant nerd that he is. Yeah, there’s no chance in hell that Kuroo would be interested in him. He probably likes hot, confident, masculine jocks. Surely, he’s not into scrawny, geeky, blondie skyscrapers like him.

“Wanna do some blocks with us?”, Kuroo asks him, his patented grin splashed across his face. Standing next to him, stretching, is Bokuto Kotaro, Fukurodani’s loud, exuberant ace. There is also Akaashi Keiji, Fukurodani’s second-year setter. He is a lot calmer than the two goofs who are currently at him with eyes full of hope and grins full of tease. Tsukishima wanted to say no. For several reasons.

1. He doesn’t want to spend more time with Kuroo. He doesn’t want to take the risk of developing actual feelings for him, rather than just dumb, hormonal infatuation.
2. He’s never talked to Bokuto or Akaashi, and he is always uncomfortable at first with new people. And he doesn’t feel like getting to know them. Sorry, not sorry.
3. He’s tired.
4. To hell with volleyball, he just wants to read a book.

--------------------------------------------------

Listen. He HAD tried to say no. No, wait, scratch that. He said no. But then, and don’t ask him because he has no idea how, but Tsukishima still ended up being roped up in some additional training. With Kuroo of all people. And Bokuto and Akaashi were there, too, I guess. And it… didn’t go really well.

The training part in itself had been excruciating. Bokuto was a force of Nature. He was strong, and his spikes were powerful. And they hurt like hell. Tsukishima’s arms were now covered in bruises because of that crazy, hyper owl. His twig arms, like the wing spiker said. Yes, Tsukishima knows he’s scrawny. Hell, even Kuroo nicknamed him Skinny. Although Kuroo did give him good tips, he also (unknowingly) gave him a devastating blow. And Tsukishima is so mad, he’s not even going to think about a dirty joke about that “blow” thing.

Kuroo told him that, if he wasn’t careful enough and didn’t start working harder, Hinata would soon surpass him. Which Tsukishima is plainly, painfully aware of, thank you very much. That’s why he doesn’t put up much of a fight. What’s the point anyway? He can’t compete against him. Hinata is a natural at volleyball. Tsukishima is just… tall. That’s it.

He left quickly after that, hoping that he had managed to deflect quickly. That he had not shown his hurt. His wounded pride. Heh. Pride. What a funny word.

“What more do you need than pride!?”. That’s what Yamaguchi had asked him. Yup. His dear friend had finally snapped at him. Grabbing him by the shirt, shaking him, and yelling dramatically and all. He was tired of his defeatist attitude. Of his pessimism. Of his self-doubt. And then, it just opened the floodgates. Yamaguchi’s words (cool as hell, if you’d ask Tsukishima) resonated in his head. He was right. He was right, Tsukishima knows it, but it scares him. What if he does try his best and he fails? What if he ends up just as hurt and broken as his brother was? With all those thoughts buzzing loudly in his head, he mechanically walked to the 3^rd Gym. Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi were still there.

He asked them questions. They answered. Did the buzzing in his head stop? No. But for once, it didn’t get any louder. Then, they enrolled him in more blocking practice. He was still scared. Still doubting. Doubting himself, his skills, his love (or lack thereof) for volleyball. His heart was still pounding from Yamaguchi’s unexpected outburst. But for the first time in years, he felt something else. Something else besides his crippling anxiety and self-loathing. Calling it hope would be a stretch. Calling it motivation, passion would be a delusion. But there was something, something that he should and would cultivate.

And now, here he was, two days later. Panting, gagging on the roof of the building, after yet another exhausting additional training. His chest keeps seizing as he tries and fails to keep control of his breathing. Of his mind. Of himself. He really thought… that he could do it. So, he tried his “best”. But just a few cool sentences won’t undo years of anxiety, self-loathing, and low self-esteem. So here he is, having a panic attack after everyone went to bed. He couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about what he should do, how he should do it. Yamaguchi told him he has the means to become a great player if he puts his heart into it. But does he, though? Isn’t he wasting his time? Isn’t it all… useless?

“Tsukki?”. Tsukishima has his head buried in his knees, hugging them tightly to his chest. His face isn’t visible, but somehow, despite the dark pitch of the night, Kuroo is still able to recognize him at a glance.

“Hey, are you okay, man? Do you want me to get someone?”. Kuroo’s voice is soft, painfully tender. Tsukishima wants to drown in his deep, velvety voice. He might have an odd thing for voices. Leave him alone, okay? He tries to answer that he doesn’t want anyone else here, but the only thing that comes out is a strangled, pathetic noise.

“Alright. Do you wanna try something? It might help you?”. Slowly, Tsukishima nods, his head still hidden.

“Lay down. You can keep your eyes closed, but it’d be easier for you to breathe if you’re lying down, rather than twisting yourself like a pretzel”. Tsukishima slides off the wall, lying on the floor, his palms touching the cold, hard ground. His eyes are still closed. He can feel Kuroo taking place next to him.

“Alright. Breathe in for five seconds. Hold for six. Out for seven”. And Tsukishima does just that. With Kuroo by his side. Once. Twice. He feels his frantic heartbeat finally slowing down to a much more tolerable cadence. Kuroo’s shampoo tickles his nose. Apples. It smells like apples. And just like that, Tsukishima’s newly found calm bursts into flames again, crimson painting his cheeks. Kuroo just had to have the nerves to smell so good. And being nice. And amazing at calming people down from a panic attack. All that on top of being hot!? Come on, how was Tsukishima supposed not to develop anything for the guy?

“D’you feel better, Tsukki?”, Kuroo asks him in a careful whisper. Tsukishima sits down against the wall abruptly, startling the third year.

“Tsukki!? You okay?”, Kuroo asks him, getting closer, trying to see if something was amiss.

“Y… Yes, I’m fine, Kuroo, thank you for, for, hm... Thank you”, Tsukishima stutters. Kuroo smiles at him before brushing a strand of his blond hair, tucking it gently behind his ear. His cheeks are now just as red as Tsukishima’s. Kuroo drops his hand, smiling nervously at him.

“Oh, ya welcome, kid”. Kid. Oh. Aw, man. Really? After all they had shared. Tsukishima was hurt. Wounded, even. Better change the subject. That’ll take off the hurt.

“How did you know I was there?”, Tsukishima asks quietly. Kuroo looks at him before sitting down next to him. He tilts his head towards the moon.

“I went to the bathroom and when I came back, I saw that the door was open. I used to go up here all the time. I wondered if anyone was there and, y’know”. He turns his head to look at the younger boy, smiling at him. “I’m glad my bladder woke me up”. There is a beat and a light chuckle escaping Tsukishima’s lip.

“What about you, Tsukki? D’you want to talk about that?”, Kuroo asks quietly, almost reverently. Tsukishima hesitates a bit. They really don’t know each other all that well. It would be weird to open up to a near stranger when he can barely talk about it with his best friend. Still. He wants to try. For once.

“I have anxiety”, he starts, staring at the ground. “I mean, General Anxiety Disorder. The big thing. It’s annoying, really. Most of the time, I have it under control, sort of?”, he continues, frowning. He sounds lame. He sounds…

“By that, you mean that you usually have your freak-outs where nobody can see them? But at other times, it just explodes out of nowhere and there’s not much you can do”, Kuroo interrupts him softly. Tsukishima’s eyes widen. How? How did he read him so well? He might have said that out loud, because Kuroo continues.

“I used to have anxiety as well when I was a kid. Took me years, but eventually I got better”, he explains.

“You got better? It… It can?”, Tsukishima whispers. It’s dumb. He knows it’s possible to recover from anxiety. But still, hearing it from someone else, especially from someone so cool, it… It makes him choke up a bit. Kuroo takes his hand. With a lot of care. Gentleness. You don’t have to take my hand if you don’t like it, it seems to say. So, Tsukishima holds his hand, letting Kuroo’s thumb caress him.

“It can. I hope that’ll be the case for you”. Tsukishima nods. They stay like that for several seconds, until Tsukishima breaks the silence.

“Can I ask you another question, please?”. Kuroo smiles at him again. Not a grin, just a sweet smile that makes the boy melt at its sight.

“Yeah, of course, Tsukki. Also, you don’t have to be that formal, y’know”.

“Hm. It’s about what happened during the first camp. When… When Kageyama and I had hm, problems? And apparently, you’re the one who told the manager to show our teacher the room where we could rest?”. He stutters a lot. Usually, at most, he does have a lisp, but that’s it. But he’s tired, and words start to get hard to get out.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it’s true”, Kuroo nods, waiting for Tsukishima to continue.

“Hm, well, first, thank you, but also… How did you know we needed to be in a room like that?”.

“No need to thank me. And uh, well, I just… Guessed?”. Tsukishima frowns. He doesn’t believe him. Kuroo sees it and sighs, rubbing his neck, uncomfortable.

“It’s just… I know that room because Kenma often needs it. A lot of your behavior reminds me of him, and I don’t know, I just assumed you’d probably find the same relief that he does”. Tsukishima nods, still processing the information. Huh.

“Oh. Is Kenma also autistic like me?”, Tsukishima asks, tracing an invisible circle on the cold floor with his free hand. He feels Kuroo tense a bit, and he looks at him, curious.

“It’s not my place to out someone’s diagnosis”. His tone is not exactly harsh, but it isn’t warm either. But to Tsukishima’s ears, it sounds like he made a huge social faux pas, and now, he’s afraid that Kuroo hates him or that he broke the spell.

“Sorry”, he quickly apologizes, retracting his hand. He brings his legs closer, in a vain attempt to protect himself. Kuroo notices the shift in his attitude, his shutting down, and gets a bit closer, putting his hand over his again.

“No, no, don’t be. I’m sorry, I’m not mad at you, you know? I’m just always uncomfortable when people ask me about Kenma because most of the time, I fear that they’ll make fun of him. Which is like, stupid, because Kenma isn’t ashamed of his autism, and he doesn’t hide it, y’know? Plus, he already told me to stop protecting him, but like…

“Old habits die hard?”, Tsukishima tries. Kuroo nods.

“Yeah”. Kuroo looks at him and sees him shivering.

“Are you cold?”, the older boy asks him. Tsukishima nods, still not looking up. His head shoots up when he feels something on his shoulder. Kuroo’s jacket.

“Here, put this on. Don’t want you to get cold”, Kuroo says. He shifts places, sitting down cross-legged in front of the other boy, taking both of his hands in his to warm them up. They close the gap between them, little by little, soon, their foreheads are resting against each other.

“Is that weird?”, Kuroo asks. Tsukishima shrugs, still not meeting his eyes, out of habit.

“I don’t know. I don’t have a good idea of what’s weird and what’s normal”, he says. Kuroo grins.

“Yah, I bet”, he teases, and Tsukishima squeezes his hands in retribution, a small smile on his lips.

“Hey, Tsukki. Can I ask you something?”. When he sees Tsukishima nodding, he continues.

“When we were on the rooftop, the last night of the first camp… You huh, made gestures at Freckles? Was that Sign Language?”. Tsukishima squirms, and now, it’s Kuroo’s turn to wonder if he broke an unspoken social rule.

“Hm, yeah. Sometimes I lose my voice. I get nonverbal. It’s frequent for me, so my family and I learn JSL. And so did Yamaguchi when we became friends, when we were eight. And my team is learning, currently. They wanted to be able to understand me even without Yamaguchi around. That night, I hadn’t been able to talk since I woke up”, Tsukishima explains.

“I see. Oh, wait, does that mean you weren’t disgusted by my stupid ramblings about the stars!?”, Kuroo asks, and Tsukishima chuckles.

“Not at all. I was dying to find a way to tell you ‘Hey, I’m super into whatever you’re blabbing about, but I can’t talk right now, please don’t take offense. That was stressful”, Tsukishima admits, his grin matching Kuroo’s. Kuroo barks out his hyena laugh, startling Tsukishima a bit, before the younger boy chuckles again.

“Shhh! People are going to hear you”, Tsukishima says. Kuroo zips his mouth shut, his shoulders still shaking from his laughter.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just so relieved that you weren’t freaked out by me being a complete nerd”.

“No way. You should see me when I infodump about dinosaurs or, really, any animals. I’m sure Yamaguchi will be the one to be relieved, I find another victim for that”, Tsukishima snarks. Kuroo’s grin gets wilder. He likes how the boy is more comfortable with him now.

“Well, Tsukki, I’d really love to hear your infodump. Would be an honor”, Kuroo says. Tsukishima has the softest smile on his face, but Kuroo still has something gnawing at his mind and hopes he won’t break whatever there is between them with his next question.

“Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, your panic attack tonight. Was there a specific trigger? I’d want to help you, if I can”. Tsukishima’s face suddenly shuts down, and Kuroo bites his lips. Shit. He shouldn’t have…

“I just… I don’t… I feel inferior. Like, I’m not good enough, I need to do more, and I’m terrified that even if I try my best, it won’t be enoug.h”, Tsukishima stammers a bit, before talking faster, as if he wanted to be done once and for all. Like ripping an old band-aid.

“Oh. Oh, shit, I fucked up when I brought Shorty, didn’t I?”, Kuroo asks, horrified. Tsukishima manages to roll his eyes.

“Don’t give yourself all the credit, my mental health is really the guilty party here”.

“Still”.

“I mean, you couldn’t have known. And I shouldn’t be coddled just so my feelings won’t get hurt, you know”, Tsukishima says, a bit annoyed. Kuroo sees it and decides to defuse the situation. It’s too nice late talk at night for it to be ruined.

“True, true. However, I disagree with you on something”. When he sees Tsukishima quirk an eyebrow, Kuroo continues. “You are already a good player. And you are GOING to get better. Trust me. You have the means for it. You’re tall, yeah, but you know what your two biggest advantages on a lot of people are?”. Tsukishima shakes his head.

“You’re smart. Crazy smart. I can tell that. And you also keep your head cold, collected on the court”. Tsukishima pouts a bit.

“Thanks, I appreciate the on-court precision”. Kuroo giggles.

“Guilty. Thought I could sneak that one past ya”.

“Hmph. Nothing gets past me”. Kuroo nods and gets even closer to him.

“See? That’s what I meant”. Tsukishima blushes some more.

“How can you be so sure?”, he asks quietly, as if he were afraid that Kuroo would hear him. Or hear his insecurity.

“I’ve observed you a lot. Since our first match together. Even more during the first camp”.

“Thanks. Yamaguchi told me the same thing, but I don’t know if I believe either of you”, he admits quietly.

“That’s okay, Tsukki. I guess we’ll believe it for you, until you can finally believe in yourself”, Kuroo whispers. Tsukishima swallows the hard lump in his throat. He refuses to cry. He humiliated himself enough in front of Kuroo.

“Let’s get you back to bed”. Tsukishima nods. Kuroo holds his hand while walking him to his dorm. I’m a gentleman, Tsukki, he says, when Tsukishima asks him why he insists on accompanying him.

“Well, I think this is you”, Kuroo whispers again, when they are standing at the door. Tsukishima nods again. He’s quiet. Thoughtful. He fiddles with his hands.

“Ah, your jacket, I –

-Keep it”, Kuroo says quickly, before ruffling his hair. He gets a bit closer, blushing just as much as the first year, and seems to hesitate before kissing Tsukishima lightly on the forehead. Kuroo’s eyes widened, mimicking Tsukishima’s, before he darted into the hallway.

“Huh?”. Tsukishima, puzzled, enters the room as quietly as he can before stepping over his sleeping teammates. He tries to be as discreet as possible, but he still manages to wake Yamaguchi up.

“Tsukki? You okay?”, his friend asks him sleepily.

“No. Kuroo only sees me as some stupid little brother”, he whines softly.

“Huh!?”, Yamaguchi sits up, alerted.

Meanwhile, back in the Nekoma’s quarter, Kuroo quietly slips into his futon and notices that Kenma isn’t sleeping.

“Kenma, why aren’t you sleeping?”. His friend looks at him, slightly disgusted.

“You’re one to talk”. Point taken.

“Where were you?”, Kenma asks casually, not really caring. He’s too focused on his PSP.

“On the roof. I was talking with Tsukki”. Kenma pauses his game and looks at him briefly. Interesting. But not enough for him to stop playing completely.

“And I screwed up”, Kuroo whispers dramatically. Kenma sighs. Pauses his game again.

“I’m sure you’re exaggerating, as usual, but go on”.

“I wanted to kiss him. But I was too shy, and I ended up giving him a forehead goodnight kiss, like I’m his grandpa”, Kuroo whines. Kenma turns off his game. Now, this is juicy.

“You know I can see you grinning, right!?”, Kuroo mutters, outraged. Kenma’s grin widens.

“Good. Go, tell me everything so I can properly mock you”.

Chapter Text

“I mean, I’m sure a lover or a boyfriend or what have you can kiss you like that, you know? Like in a totally non-brotherly hot way?”.

Tsukishima sighs. He’s down. Down bad. By that, he means his mood is bad and he’s down bad for Kuroo. Kuroo, who kissed him last night. It should have been amazing, but…

“Oh, give me a break, Yamaguchi, you don’t even believe it yourself! I’m telling you, my brother used to kiss me like that all the time when I was little. No way Kuroo meant it in a non-platonic way. He sees me as a baby. He called me kid”. Tsukishima is well aware that whining about it isn’t really helping his case, but he can’t help it.

“Oooookay, fine, maybe the kiss wasn’t all that steamy, but counterargument: he lent you his jacket because you were shivering. It’s just so romantic, you know”, Yamaguchi says dreamily. “And he walked you to your dorm, I mean, it’s very chivalrous. And hot”, he continues.

“Great, so you’re saying he’s treating me like some kind of damsel in distress?”, Tsukishima snarks.

“Or he’s treating you like a lil’ princess”, Yamaguchi giggles. Tsukishima frowns. He’s not sure whether that’s a good thing. But it does have an appealing quality, the idea of Kuroo pampering and spoiling him like a princess… Yeah, he could get into it. Wait. No. Get a hold of yourself, Tsukishima, you’re not the female main lead of a shojo manga.

“Whatever. I don’t have any chance with him anyway”, Tsukishima groans, kicking a pebble in front of him, as though it had insulted his mother.

“Do I have to yell at you again, so you’ll do something?”, Yamaguchi asks, his eyes drilling holes into his best friend. “Because I absolutely will”. Tsukishima has no doubt about that. Still, he shrugs.

“Maybe? I don’t know. It would feel a bit scripted now, though”, he remarks. Yamaguchi nods pensively. He has a point. Maybe he should have just kept it as a surprise; now the effect would indeed be ruined.

Throughout the day, Tsukishima tries to put everything behind him. No need to constantly obsess with Kuroo. His focus has to be on the games. The drills. Bettering himself as a player. And despite the increasing heat and his mind partially being somewhere else, he feels like he does a great job. He’s congratulated by the team, the coach, and Takeda, even Shimizu and Yachi, but it’s when Hinata openly tells him he won’t lose to him that he knows he’s changed. At least a little bit. It’s a shaky beginning, but it’s the start of something, at least.

There is a price to pay, however. After yet another exhausting, chaotic lunch, he notices that he slurs his words a bit. He mumbles more and more and eventually becomes unintelligible. While Tsukishima often has nonverbal episodes, most of the time, he wakes up like that. It’s a bit rarer when it happens more progressively. The team doesn’t notice it at first. Usually, he would make an effort to alert them in some way, but they’re in the gym, surrounded by a bunch of people he doesn’t know, and yes, he does feel too self-conscious. He’d like to say that he’s above that, that it’s lame to care about people might say, seeing him using Sign Language (or the flashcards when he was younger), but… Well, he is. And it sucks. He just doesn’t want to deal with the whispers, the looks. He doesn’t feel like communicating at all with anyone either way.

After they lose the match (because, of course, they do, although it’s not as bad as usual), they go running up and down that stupid hill. Tsukishima wonders if it’s because of the heat or his extra efforts that he’s been more tired lately. He’s been feeling faint a lot, his head sometimes spinning like he’s been in those crazy cups in amusement parks. It only lasts a few seconds. It only happens once or twice. It only happens when he changes positions. But he has to push through it.

When the practice officially ends, though, Tsukishima quietly sneaks off without anyone noticing and wanders a bit on campus, trying to find some peace and quiet. He ends up losing track of time for a while. His headphones are firmly on his ears, blasting music he can lose himself in. When he finds a tight space between two buildings, he decides to make himself quite comfortable, tucking his knees to his chest, arms hugging them tightly, head resting on them. His favorite position. His eyelids are heavy, he’s in the shade, the beating sun finally showing some mercy on him.

“Tsukishima?”.

He wakes up with a startle big enough to make his headphones fall off his head. Akaashi is looking at him, showing both his hands, as if to say he meant no harm.

“Sorry, I didn’t think I would startle you that badly. I just ran into your friend, the freckled one? He and your team were looking for you, they’re worried”. Worried? Why? Tsukishima rubs his eyes, fiddles with his fingers, before picking up his headphones. Finally, he looks at Akaashi’s neutral face. Then at the sky. Which is now nearly pitch-black. Oh. Oh. Oops. Tsukishima opens his mouth to ask Akaashi what time it is. No sounds come out of him. Right. Stupid. How could he forget? Was he really that out of it? Or was it just because he wasn’t fully awake yet? Was his brain still asleep?

“Are you alright?”, Akaashi asks him, his voice soft and even. His eyes are scanning him, trying to find any possible injuries or signs of an illness. Tsukishima nods. Then, he feels the heaviness of his phone in his pocket. He fetches it, sends a quick message to Yamaguchi, telling him that he was alright and no, there was no need to call the police or the army (and then, he reminds his frightened friend that Japan isn’t allowed to have an army, though they do have the Japanese Self-Defense Forces). Then, he looks at Akaashi again. He wants to ask if they still train at the third gym. He wants to join them. Yes, both to train and yes, fine, to also spend time with Kuroo. He hasn’t seen him or talked to him since last night. Still has his jacket neatly folded on his futon. But he can’t talk. And he doubts that Akaashi knows Sign Language.

“Do you need to go to the infirmary?”, Akaashi asks. Tsukishima shakes his head no.

“Do you want to go have dinner? Are you feeling hungry?”. No and no. Akaashi doesn’t seem annoyed at Tsukishima’s lack of verbal responses. Merely curious. Maybe still a bit concerned. Then, the setter smiles. It’s small, it’s subtle, but it’s genuine. Warm.

“Then, if you feel alright, and if your friends are reassured about your whereabouts, would you like to train again with us? Bokuto and Kuroo were asking after you. Especially Kuroo. I think he was antsy about finally seeing you again, tonight”.

Tsukishima wonders if Akaashi can see him blushing deeply underneath the moonlight. Probably, if Akaashi’s slightly amused expression is any indication. That little sneak. Trying to ignore the heat in his face, Tsukishima nods and then follows the second year to their usual gym. Oddly enough, it didn’t take him long to feel strangely comfortable with the three of them. Sure, Bokuto was loud, Kuroo could be annoying, and together they were obnoxious, but they were also sweet and caring in their own ways. And they were funny. Not that Tsukishima would ever let them know that. He doesn’t want to feed their egos.

When they enter the gym, Tsukishima blinks, blinded by the lights. And by Hinata’s presence. Ugh. What is he doing here!? He really can’t catch a break, can he?

“Ah, Tsukishima! Don’t disappear again, you had us all worried!”, his teammate yells, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Tch. Yeah, right. You don’t look like you’ve been looking for me.

“Good thing you FINALLY texted Yamaguchi back to tell him you were alright and you’d train in Gym 3”. Oh, right. He had been a bit presumptuous, assuming there would be another extra practice with Bokuto, Akaashi, and, more importantly, Kuroo. And, uh, Hinata too, now. Which… Yeah, fine, whatever. Tsukishima was too tired to fight it at this point. And Lev was here as well. Fantastic. Tsukishima could feel the room’s collective IQ moving, and certainly not going up.

“Oh, Tsukki! Tsukki, Tsukki, you ready!? Let’s go!”, Bokuto claps excitedly while Lev waves wildly next to him. It’s involuntary, but Tsukishima takes a step back and grabs Akaashi’s sleeve. Akaashi, for his part, doesn’t seem offended or angry. He smiles gently at him, patting his head lightly, before turning to his friends.

“Guys, don’t be that loud, he obviously doesn’t like it”, Akaashi says, stepping into the gym, Tsukishima on his heels. And just like that, Tsukishima decides that he likes this Akaashi guy.

“Oh, yeah, you flinch a lot, I’ve noticed! Is that why you’re always wearing your headphones?”, asks Lev, who apparently hasn’t quite grasped the concept of an indoor voice yet. And just like that, Tsukishima decides that he doesn’t like that Lev guy.

Seriously. Between Lev, Hinata, and Bokuto, it’d be a miracle if his ears aren’t damaged in some way by the end of the night.

“Since there are six of us, how about a little 3v3 match, hm?”, Kuroo suggests. Then, he turns to Tsukishima, who is paler than usual and clearly out of it. He comes closer to him, and without a second thought, he lets his hand feel his forehead.

“You okay, dude?”, he asks, “Hm, don’t seem to have a fever”, he grins as Tsukishima finally snaps out of his trance, swatting his hand off him.

“Seriously, though, are you feeling good enough for that? It’s fine if you want to sit out, y’know. Like, when you need to rest, you need to rest, no shame in it”.

“I’ve already asked him, Kuroo, and he said that he was okay”, Akaashi says. “Hm, well, he didn’t say it, but he did nod”, he adds.

Tsukishima tries not to frown too much when everyone turns to him. He hates being the center of attention. Being under the spotlights. A nightmare for an introvert like him. He picks up a ball, hoping that they’ll get the message. Hinata is here and is rather good at Sign Language. He could be his interpreter, but what if they then think that, just because he can’t talk, that means he needs to rest? Because that isn’t the case. He is actually rather used to practicing and playing even when he is nonverbal. His team is accustomed to it as well, now. For the most part, at least. He doesn’t want people to make a big deal out of it. Which they do, most of time. They freak out, worry, start being too patronizing and infantilizing with him, and he hates that.

Kuroo leans to whisper in his ear.

“You’re nonverbal right now, are you?”. Tsukishima nods, struggling to breathe with Kuroo so close to him, his face flushing when he thinks of their conversation last night. Their proximity. The sheer intimacy of it. His not-hot kiss. He’s been thinking about it a lot. And he still has no firm conclusion on whether there is something potentially blooming between them. Kuroo could be flirting with him. But he could also be just a very nice, sweet, friendly, and overly touchy guy who does everything platonically. Either way, Tsukishima feels like his fantasy of the two of them screwing each other’s brains out will never materialize.

Because then, Kuroo makes a huge mistake. He takes the ball off Tsukishima’s hands.

“Maybe you should take a rain check for tonight? You look exhausted, I don’t want you to put yourself in danger”.

Tsukishima is astonished. Never, in his entire life, has he wanted so much to punch a guy AND jump his bones at the same time. Or jump his bones and then punch him. Whatever order works. He takes a deep breath, walks past Kuroo, and taps Hinata’s shoulder to get his attention. Once he is sure that his teammate is looking at him, Tsukishima decides that he doesn’t care that the rest of the Gym 3 squad’s eyes are all on him. To Hell with his self-consciousness; this is more important.

“Tell Kuroo that just because I can’t talk right now doesn’t mean I can’t play. I get to decide if I need to rest, he doesn’t”, he signs. He signs a bit faster than usual, because he’s angry and he sees that Hinata struggles a bit to follow. Akaashi and Lev are staring at him, surprised, but there is someone who seems very happy and excited.

“Wait, Tsukki! You know JSL!? AWESOME! That’s the first time I've seen someone else signing!”. Bokuto’s signing is just like him: fast, vivid, wild, and enthusiastic. But it’s not overwhelming. Tsukishima’s head starts to buzz, and he would be smiling if he weren’t that surprised.

“I learned Sign Language when I was six. How about you?”.

“One of my older sisters is deaf, so we all learned! This is so cool!”. Bokuto is smiling wildly, and his enthusiasm is contagious. He’s right. It is cool to feel understood immediately by someone, no matter how you communicate.

“Wait, what’s going on? What is Tsukki saying?”, Kuroo asks, getting closer to the group.

“Uh, no idea. Are they like, doing mimes?

-No, Lev, it’s Sign Language”, Akaashi replies.

“Hm? Why are they using that instead of talking?”, Lev asks. Tsukishima doesn’t bother not hide the contempt he has for the taller boy.

“Ah, in Tsukki’s case, it’s because he can’t speak right now”, Hinata answers.

“Huh? Why? Did he lose a bet or something? Like when you play Jinx?

-Hey, Lev, next time I see Alisa, remind me to ask her if she’s ever dropped you on the head when you were a baby”, Kuroo says, annoyed. Bokuto keeps his focus on Tsukishima.

“So, you’re mute sometimes?”. He knows Tsukishima isn’t deaf or hard-of-hearing, but it feels good to be able to have a conversation only the two of them can understand.

“Yes. Nonverbal, but yes. It happens a lot, and I’m fine. I can play. I want to play. Could you tell Kuroo that, please?”.

“Hey, Kuroo”. Bokuto’s voice cuts through the debate Lev, Akaashi, Hinata, and Kuroo were having.

“Yeah?

-Tsukki tells you that he wants to play and that he’s fine”, Bokuto says, his face serious for once.

“Wait, is he mad at me? Also, since when do you know Sign Language?”, Kuroo asks, his head going from Bokuto to Tsukishima, trying to decipher what was going on.

“No idea if he’s mad at you. He does seem pretty pissed that you took the ball from him and decided that he was too tired to play, though”. Kuroo winces before looking at Tsukishima, who is frowning ,and nods at what Bokuto is saying. Ouch.

“So, why can’t you talk, Tsukishima?”, Lev asks, not caring (nor realizing) about Kuroo’s internal crisis.

“I’m autistic, and there are moments when I can’t speak. That’s why I use Sign Language when I’m nonverbal”, Tsukishima signs, Bokuto translating right after he’s done. He sure is faster than Hinata, who still seems puzzled by the whole situation. Though Tsukishima would be lying if he said he didn’t find the whole situation dizzying. Still, he was annoyed at the way everyone was staring at him. He clicks his tongue, taking the ball from Kuroo’s hands with as much force as he can, holding it with one hand so he can still sign.

“Can we play now?”.

“Yeah, let’s play!”, Bokuto approves. Finally, they start playing. It starts roughly. Kuroo is clearly still in a daze, but after a while and after a few taunts from Bokuto, Kuroo finally snaps out of it and starts blocking for real, giving useful tips to Tsukishima and Lev. It lasts nearly an hour, until they’re all panting on the floor, trying to catch their breath. Well, with the notable exception of Bokuto and Hinata, whose stamina is yet to be over.

“How? How are you two still standing up?”, Lev asks, lying on the floor, arms and legs spread like a starfish.

“Hm, I don’t know, man. I’m just not tired yet! I’m still pumped!”, Bokuto answers.

“Same for me!”, Hinata screams.

Ugh. Tsukishima doesn’t know if he feels more envious or more murderous. Both Hinata and Bokuto are drenched in sweat, like the rest of them, but they aren’t struggling to breathe and they really aren’t exhausted. Meanwhile, he almost thinks Kuroo was right when he said that he should sit this one out. Almost. Sure, he wants to throw up (again), his heart is pounding (and not just because Kuroo is here), the room is spinning, and he is fighting with what little energy he has left in him not to fall asleep right here and then, but he doesn’t regret it. Not completely, at least.

“So, we do another round?”, Bokuto and Hinata ask.

“NO!”.

“Guys, if you haven’t eaten yet, you should hurry up, the cafeteria closes in half an hour”, Yukie, one of the managers, tells them.

Tsukishima glanced at the clock. He also needs to go to the infirmary to take his evening medications. It still ticks him off that he can’t have them in his bedroom, but he understands that there are security reasons. Still. It’s annoying. Especially when he can’t talk. He looks at Hinata and Bokuto, who have overcome their sadness from the refusal to continue the training, to salivate at the idea of a dinner. Which one should he ask for help with? On the one hand, Hinata is loud and annoying. But on the other hand, Bokuto is loud and annoying. Hm, tough choice.

In the end, he decides to quietly sneak off, simply writing a note to the nurse to explain his silence. Once it is done, he joins the group back to the cafeteria, his headphones around his neck. He picks at his food, not particularly hungry. His appetite has been even worse than usual lately. He still hasn’t recovered quite yet from his weight loss during the break. His clothes are baggier than usual as well. Maybe that’s why he’s so exhausted lately. Maybe it’s not just the heat. But the heat is one of the reasons why he had less appetite. God, he’s tired…

“You alright, Tsukki? You don’t like it?”, Kuroo asks him, leaning over him. Tsukishima can’t help but feel a tingle running down his spine, just feeling Kuroo’s breath against his ear, feeling his weight against him. For the umpteenth time, he blames his hormones for driving him crazy over any of Kuroo’s actions. He hates how his libido is reducing his brain and wits to mush when it comes to any hot guy. Still, it wouldn’t be polite to ignore Kuroo, even though he is still a bit mad at him for earlier. Besides, Bokuto is looking at him, ready to translate for him, clearly happy to put his knowledge to good use.

“I’m not hungry. And I don’t like eating”, he signs, as Bokuto lends him his voice. Lev and Hinata are deep into a conversation that Tsukishima doesn’t care about. Akaashi is staring at Bokuto, but Kuroo’s intense gaze is secured on him. He nods when Bokuto speaks, but he isn’t looking at him. No. He’s entirely focused on Tsukishima. It makes him feel warm. Not hot in a, well, steamy way, but just… fuzzy. Comfortable.

“There’s gotta be something you like eating, Tsukki”, Kuroo says absentmindedly. Hinata turns to him, taking a break between two bites.

“Uh, no, not really. Tsukki is a picky eater! And he’s got the smallest appetite ever. He’s got a huge sweet tooth, though”, he says, munching his dinner away. Tsukishima frowns. Mind your own business, Shrimp!

“Sweet tooth, huh?”, Kuroo says, chin resting on his hand.

“Yeah. Basically, anything strawberry”, Hinata adds. Tch. Tsukishima stands up, picking up his half-eaten tray.

“Wait, you’re already leaving?”, Kuroo asks, puzzled.

“Wait, can I have that?”, Hinata asks at the same time, pointing to his tray. Tsukishima rolls his eyes, shrugs, but gives his tray to his clearly hungry-hungry teammate, before leaving the cafeteria abruptly, pointedly ignoring Kuroo calling after him.

He stumbles outside, tired, shivering a bit in the cold evening air, and he regrets not having his jacket. Well, Kuroo’s jacket. Not his. And speaking of the devil…

“Tsukki!”. Kuroo runs after him. Tsukishima has half in mind to pretend that Kuroo doesn’t exist, but he can’t bring himself to do that. And boy, is that annoying.

“I… I’m sorry. I feel like I did or said something stupid that upset you. Again”, Kuroo says pitifully. Tsukishima nods, giving him a bone to pick at.

“Yeah, thought so. Is it because food is a sensitive subject?”, Kuroo asks, taking a tentative step closer to the other boy. Tsukishima moves his head a bit to the left, then to the right.

“It’s complicated at least, I guess?”. This time, Tsukishima nods. Yes. Yes, it is. Still, he keeps frowning and crosses his arms. Both for the warmth and to put some distance between them. Kuroo notices it immediately. Because of course he does.

“Ah. But there’s more than that, right? You’re still pissed at me because of what I did in the gym?”. Once again, Tsukishima rewards him with a careful nod.

“Yeah. I get it. It was a dick move on my part”, Kuroo admits. He seems sincere, as far as Tsukishima can tell. Which is not a lot. Deciphering people’s tone and intentions is always hard for him.

Kuroo looks at him, hands in his shorts’ pockets, clearly not as comfortable as usual.

“Hum, right, you can’t… tell me anything. Err, want me to get Bokuto? Or Hinata?”. Tsukishima shakes his head before showing his phone. He quickly types a message in the notes before showing it to Kuroo. It’s short. Simple. Straight to the point.

Don’t take away my agency ever again. Kuroo seems a bit worried but smiles when he sees Tsukishima’s teasing grin.

“Duly noted, sir”, he salutes. He lets a few seconds pass before noticing that Tsukishima is shivering a bit.

“Hey, do you want to go on the rooftop again? You could, I don’t know, hum, teach me some Sign Language? If you want, of course”, Kuroo suggests, rubbing his neck. Tsukishima nods, smiling a bit. When they pass by the Karasuno quarter, Tsukishima slips inside it quickly just to pick up the jacket.

On the rooftop, Tsukishima shows him the basics of JSL, using his phone to send him a message when it is too complicated. Because, yes, they had exchanged their Line addresses, thank you for asking. At first, it was really just simple words. Then, he gives Kuroo his sign name. The sign for rooster while grinning. When he explains it to Kuroo, he bursts out laughing. And Tsukishima makes a mental note to tell him that his laugh reminds him of a hyena giving birth. And to tell him how they give birth.

They didn’t see the time passing. The night has truly fallen on them, but it wasn’t that much of a bother. The crescent moon was bright and shiny, and the lights from the two downlights on the wall behind them, lit them enough so they could see each other. Their positions are similar to yesterday’s: both are sitting cross-legged, across from each other. Very, very close. It’s to see better, Tsukki, Kuroo had said, but come on. Tsukishima wasn’t that naïve. But he was maybe a bit hopeful, even… deliriously delusional? At that point, he can’t say for sure if Kuroo is just being playful or if he’s really hitting on him. Especially with the next word, Kuroo wants to know the sign of.

“Hey, Tsukki? What’s the sign for kissing?”, Kuroo asks, grinning ear to ear. Mechanically, and because Tsukishima tends to be very literal, he goes to show him the sign before stopping, staring at Kuroo. He is relaxed, watching him with that teasing grin of his, almost… almost daring him, maybe? So, Tsukishima hopes he isn’t mistaken with his next move because if he is, he will throw himself into the Arakawa River to wash away his shame.

The boy leans towards Kuroo, capturing his lips, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribcage, so much that it was threatening to come out of him, Alien-style. Because what if he’d read the situation wrong and made a fool of himself? What if Kuroo hated him now? What if he was repulsed by him? What if –

But his overthinking is suddenly cut short when Kuroo responds eagerly to his awkward kiss, his hands on the blond’s face, deepening their kiss. When they stop for a much-needed gulp of air, Kuroo smiles and smoothly manhandles Tsukishima until the younger boy is sitting in his lap, before kissing him again, his hands firmly gripping Tsukishima’s hips. Tsukishima, for his part, lets his long legs circle Kuroo’s waist, while his hands are gripping his shirt.

Kuroo stops their kiss, and just when Tsukishima starts to whine, he nibbles on his neck, now in full access as the blond leans backward, his two hands on Kuroo’s strong shoulders, pinching him. Kuroo can’t resist letting out a chuckle, fully enjoying the shiver it gives to Tsukishima.

“Yeah, babe?”, he whispers back, gently nibbling his ear, before attacking his neck again, leaving marks and hickeys. Tsukishima pouts before pointing to his lips with a shaky hand, his face flushed. Kuroo smirks before kissing him again. Then, he nuzzles their noses together, letting his hands go lower and lower until he grabs Tsukishima’s ass, making the boy silently yelps, surprised and even more flustered than he already is.

“Fuck, you’re so cute, baby”, Kuroo whispers again. Tsukishima pouts some more before leaning towards Kuroo, initiating yet another kiss. When Kuroo lets his hands wander again on his butt, Tsukishima starts moaning into the kiss, driving the other boy crazy. Tsukishima squirms in Kuroo’s embrace, accidentally bringing some more… friction. And Kuroo realizes that it’s going to be a delicious problem.

“B… Babe, wait, don’t squirm that m… much”, he mutters, breathless. A bit too late. For both of them. Their crotches are both too close and not close enough at the same time, and both are, well, ready for more. Which Kuroo is a bit embarrassed by. He doesn’t want to look like an inexperienced nerd who pops a boner just because of a slightly steamy make-out session. But one look at Tsukishima’s face tells him he’s not the only one to find the whole thing awkward. Tsukishima whines again, fidgeting some more against Kuroo, frustrated tears prickling at his eyes. Kuroo kisses him, softly, gentler this time, wanting to soothe him. But he can’t blame him. It’s a bit painful. It’s begging for relief. It would be honestly tempting. Call him a loser or a virgin, but he doesn’t really want their first time to be on the cold, hard, dirty floor of the rooftop. Especially when they have nothing to be prepared for. No lube, no condoms, and even though Kuroo doubts that either of them has an STD to worry about, he still knows that prep and precautions are important.

“Tsukki, baby, we should… We should maybe stop?”, Kuroo suggests in a hushed whisper. Tsukishima’s lips tremble a bit before he shakes his head, nuzzling against Kuroo. Yeah. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to make of it. Hmm…

“Okay, okay. Hm, maybe we could… You know, like rub –

Kuroo’s probably marvelous suggestion is rudely interrupted by the door swinging open, revealing Ukai, Takeda, and Nekomata strutting carefree onto the rooftop… and noticing the two students. It’s a bit of a bewildered staring contest. As though time has frozen. The three adults are quick to notice that Tsukishima is still straddling Kuroo’s lap, that his jacket has dropped a bit on his shoulder,and  that he is covered in hickeys. They also notice where Kuroo’s hands are. And, well, the rest is also clear as day, despite it being night. Tsukishima’s lips tremble so much that Kuroo wonders if he’s going to burst out crying. And that’s pretty much all he can think of as his brain has short-circuited. And not because all of his blood is… busy in another region.

Ukai lets his unlit cigarette drop from his mouth as his jaw drops at the scene, while Takeda looks a bit too flustered for an adult. Only Nekomata seems unbothered. Or at least not as surprised as the other two. He smiles in an almost sweet way. Still a bit mocking though.

“Well, well, well. Good evening to you two”. Kuroo feels his whole body just heat up and reddening. He’s never been so embarrassed in his entire life. It’s a hundred worse than that time he called his teacher “Mom” when he was in 3^rd Grade. Clearly, Tsukishima feels the same way as he scrambles off Kuroo’s lap, pulling his legs near in his chest, hugging them, trying to hide his erection as much as he can, refusing to look at anyone. Kuroo quickly imitates him, trying to find a position to conceal himself a bit.

Ukai picks up his cigarette, dusts it, and shrugs, deciding it’s still good enough to smoke it. Or maybe they cost too much to lose one.

“Can’t believe it’s been ten years and it’s still the spot where kids make out”, he grumbles under his breath.

“Some things don’t change, I guess”, Nekomata chuckles lightly. Ukai nods knowingly as he lights up his cigarette, before averting his eyes, giving some privacy to the two teens. Takeda finally snaps out of his trance.

“I… Just… Just go to bed, boys”, he says, coughing a bit, also averting his gaze. A few seconds pass, with neither teen moving a single muscle. Nekomata has to bite his lips not to laugh. No need to add more humiliation to the poor boys. Ukai finally lends them a hand.

“Just… Stretch your legs or something, like when you have a cramp”, he whispers gruffly. “That should, err, do the trick”.

They were both hoping that the humiliation, the shame of getting caught by their coaches and teachers, would have been enough to quell their desires, but apparently not. Ukai’s tip did help them, though. But now, Tsukishima has a whole new reason to drown himself in the Arakawa River.

A few minutes and a scolding later, Kuroo accompanies Tsukishima back to his dormitory. Before he lets him go, he hugs him suddenly and kisses him tenderly, gently cupping his blushing cheeks.

“So, that was awkward”. Tsukishima nods. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Kuroo smiles. “I’m still glad. I mean, before they arrived, y’know”. Tsukishima nods again, still refusing to meet his gaze. “Do you… Do you regret it?”, Kuroo asks, worried. Tsukishima shakes his head no very fast. So fast, he becomes dizzy, and Kuroo catches him as he starts swaying.

“Good. I’m glad. Hm, well, nighty-night, baby”, he says, kissing him one last time, before darting again, like yesterday.

Tsukishima enters the room quickly, dashing towards Yamaguchi, hoping no one would notice his flushed face.

“Hm, Tsukishima, do you have a fever?”.

Ah, shit.

That night, right before Kuroo goes to sleep, he sends a quick message to Bokuto.

“Hey, dude. Could you teach me Sign Language?” and smiles with relief when Bokuto happily replies Yes.

The next day, Tsukishima, still unable to speak, pointedly refuses to meet Takeda's or Ukai’s gaze. And to be fair, they seem just as uncomfortable and awkward as he is. Naturally, the rest of the team is blissfully unaware of what is going on under their noses. Well, all except one. Yamaguchi. Of course. Tsukishima caved in really fast last night and signed him the whole story, away from the others, so they couldn’t see what he was confessing to Yamaguchi. And of course, as a good friend, Yamaguchi only laughed at him for five minutes. Which is quite magnanimous, all things considered.

But his embarrassment is quickly forgotten after the first practice match, too exhausted to even care about it. Tsukishima grunts as he and the rest of the team pant, absolutely wiped out. They just lost to Shinzen, but they didn’t go down without fighting to the very end. Which, in this unbearable heat, is probably not such a great idea. They have them running up and down the hill just two times instead of four, which is supposed to be seen as generous. Still, even though his legs and hands are shaking, Tsukishima doesn’t want to give up. Not because he’s motivated. But rather, because he’s yet again terrified. His anxiety and self-loathing are back, latching onto him, dragging him down.

He sees Hinata soaring into the sky, hitting the fast ball perfectly set by Kageyama, and he suddenly has the feeling that he won’t ever be able to catch up to him. When he fails his block, he almost reverts to his bad habit of not caring, not trying hard enough. Because there is no point in that, isn’t it? But then, he sees how Kuroo is focused and so in tune with his teammates. He sees how Daichi and Sugawara are always here to cheer them up. He sees how Yamaguchi gets braver, bolder, and more confident in himself and in his float serves. Deservedly so. He notices how even Bokuto’s crazy mood swings can be soothed through Akaashi’s firm but gentle coaxing.

So, despite the exhaustion, the heave wave, and in spite of his own anxiety, Tsukishima decides that he can’t let himself get distanced. During their second match of the afternoon, Tsukishima truly gives it his all. If you’d ask him, he’d still tell you that he isn’t good enough and that, really, his team is doing the heavy work. But it’s evident that something in his attitude has changed. His blocking is also much better. He’s faster. He’s stronger.

Until he isn’t anymore. Until they all see him swaying, struggling to breathe, ghostly pale. For his part, Tsukishima doesn’t see much. For a brief moment, he worries that he lost his glasses. He checks. No, they’re still on his face. So why is everything so blurry? Why are their voices so far away? The only sounds going to his ears are his beating heart that is too loud, too fast, and it hurts so, so much. Worse than during his worst panic attacks. Something is wrong. Something is so, so very wrong. The last thing he sees is Kageyama and Daichi rushing towards him, screaming his name, before a black veil finally cuts all his senses, his legs buckling under him.

The last thing his team and the rest of the gym sees is Tsukishima collapsing, inert on the floor, like a puppet whose strands had just been cut off.

Chapter Text

“Tsukishima!? Can you hear me!?”

“Is he breathing?”

“Should we call 119!?”

“Move, move, let him breathe!”

“Calm down!”

Takeda’s voice cuts through the sheer panic that has seized the gymnasium. He quickly rushes to Tsukishima’s side. He signals Ukai to help him put the teenager in a recovery position once he makes sure that he is still breathing. Nekomata and Arakawa, Shinzen’s coach, have already called the nurse to come quickly. All they can do is wait.

“He still hasn’t woken up, is it… is it normal? I mean, he should already be up, right?”, Hinata says, worried. He turns to Yamaguchi, whose paleness rivals his best friend’s.

“Yamaguchi? He’ll be okay, right?”, Hinata asks, his tone wavering.

“I… Yeah. I don’t…”, Yamaguchi tries, his eyes never leaving his friend.

“Yamaguchi, does this happen a lot to him?”, Takeda asks the boy.

“Hum, around middle school, he’d often pass out during P.E. or volleyball practice. He’s never been good at taking care of his needs because he, I don’t know, he struggles to realize it when he’s thirsty or hungry? So, it was frequent for him to faint because he was dehydrated or hungry. And hum, well, his weight issues were even worse at the time”, Yamaguchi rambles, fidgeting, uncomfortable at the idea of maybe betraying Tsukishima.

“I see. Thank you for telling us, Yamaguchi. You’re helping us understand him better, and it’ll help us to know what we need to do for him. Alright?”, Takeda says. Yamaguchi nods, but he doesn’t seem convinced. When the nurse arrives, kneeling next to the still unconscious boy, he seems scared for good.

By the time she checks out his vitals and asks for Tsukishima to be moved to the infirmary and for the doctor to be called in immediately, his team can’t do anything but watch him being carried away, Yamaguchi and Takeda following them closely.

When the match starts again, their hearts aren’t in it, their minds otherwise preoccupied. And they aren’t the only ones to be distracted. Which is probably why Kuroo, the normally aware and careful Nekoma captain, ends up receiving the ball in his face, his nose bleeding like a faucet. And when it doesn’t stop and he sees little stars, he’s almost happy to be sent to the infirmary as well.

Meanwhile, Tsukishima finally ends up waking up groggily after almost a minute. Before he can move and try to sit up, Takeda is fast on his feet to stop the teen as gently as possible.

“Don’t move, Tsukishima. How are you feeling?”. Tsukishima grunts, his eyes still blinking rapidly.

“You gave us quite a scare, kid”, the doctor says. She tucks a curl of her hair behind her ear.

“You have a bit of a fever, but nothing too serious. You’re lucky it was “just” heat exhaustion, but you better be careful if you don’t want to end up having a heat stroke, alright?”. When he nods, she continues, “You also have a low blood sugar. Now that you’re awake, eat a snack, okay?”. He nods and, for once, accepts the food and drink given by Yamaguchi. Strawberry Pocky, granola bars, and strawberry cola.

“Also, you should know that –

Whatever she was about to say was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Come in”. Kuroo opens the door, holding a bloody compress to his still actively bleeding volcano of a nose.

“I’m fide, really”, he says, having a hard time pronouncing the ‘n’ sound.

“What a great reason to come to an infirmary, then”, the doctor snarks, smiling a bit at the older boy.

“He received a ball in the head. Straight on his nose. Heard a gross sound, it’s been bleeding non-stop for almost three minutes. Also, he said he felt a bit lightheaded, but of course, now he’s denying it”, Kenma grumbles, his eyes fixed on the floor.

“Sorry, I’ll be right back. Make sure he eats and drinks plenty”, the doctor says to Takeda and Yamaguchi, before going to Kuroo’s side.

“Sit here. Kuroo, right?”, she says, patting another bed. He sits down, happily noticing that he is right across Tsukishima. Hm. Maybe his nose will stop bleeding if all his blood goes straight to his…

“Any nausea?”, the doctor asks him, tearing him apart from his dirty reverie.

“Err, no, no. My head hurts just a little”. The doctor nods before helping him stop the bleeding. She quickly makes sure to rule out a head concussion but tells him to immediately call her or his coach if he feels his headache worsening or like throwing up.

“You’re done for the day, alright? At least for a couple of hours. Understood?”. Kuroo nods sheepishly, still stealing glances here and there at Tsukishima, who is quietly eating and drinking all the snacks brought by Yamaguchi and Takeda.

“Okay, I have to go back to the other kid. Can you stay with him for a bit?”, she asks Kenma, who startles before shrugging and taking a seat next to his friend.

“Alright, back to you, young man”, the doctor says, smiling at Tsukishima.

“So, as I was saying, you should know that some of your treatments increase your risks of heat intolerance. When the temperature is that high, avoid exercising outside or in a hot environment, okay?”. Tsukishima hums, nodding slightly.

“Also, I need to call your parents”. Tsukishima almost sits up like he’s put on a spring. He grunts a bit, trying to form words, but nothing intelligible comes out, which alerts both the nurse and the doctor.

“Hey, hey, try to calm down, kid, alright? You’re not in trouble. Can you talk?”, the doctor asks, observing his face. Tsukishima’s mouth twitches for a bit before he purses his lips, clearly frustrated.

“He’s okay, I think. He’s been nonverbal since yesterday, but this is a regular occurrence for him”, Takeda pipes up while Yamaguchi lightly strokes Tsukishima’s hand in his. The doctor nods pensively, tapping her pen to her lips.

“Hm. I see. So, how do you communicate when you can’t talk?”, she asks Tsukishima, who signs JSL.

“Sign Language”, Yamaguchi adds. “I, uh, I’m often his interpreter when he needs to”.

“I see… Still, I’d like to keep you until dinner. And again, I need to make a call to your parents”, the doctor says. Tsukishima chews on his lips. He doesn’t want her to call his mother. There is no need to bother her, really. He’s fine. He doesn’t understand why everybody is freaking out. So, he passed out, big deal, right? He’s probably not the first nor the last one to faint during camp, especially during the summer heat. No big deal, really. Eventually, he nods, though he’s well aware that she would call his mom with or without his approval. Tch.

“I’ll give you his mother’s phone number”, Takeda says, before leaving to fetch his students’ folders, the doctor on his heels. She figures out it’ll be better for privacy to call from somewhere else than the almost-packed infirmary.

“Tsukki, I’m going to get you some more water, alright?”, Yamaguchi whispers before making a run for it. And Kuroo sees a much hoped-for opportunity.

“Ah, Kenma, can you get me some water too, pretty, pretty please?”. Kenma looks up from his PSP in disgust, rolling his eyes.

“You know, if you want to be alone with your new boyfriend, just say it”, Kenma grumbles. Nonetheless, he gets up from his seat, happy to see the fluster on both Kuroo and Tsukishima’s faces. Ah, chaos. So wonderful. So… chaotic.

When a fresh breeze comes through the window, Tsukishima closes his eyes, enjoying how it feels against his burning skin, before fluttering them open again. And settling his gaze on a still blushing Kuroo. Maybe he also had heat exhaustion. It would be nice not to be the only one who collapsed because it was a bit hot. Seriously. What a wimp. Tsukishima couldn’t believe just how weak he was.

“Hey”.

Kuroo’s voice cuts his negative thoughts, derailing the pity train, at least for now.

“I can hear you beating yourself up in that pretty little head of yours. You shouldn’t do that”, Kuroo says gently, sliding off his bed, walking to the other boy, who is now sitting, his legs dangling off the bed. Kuroo puts his hand on his forehead, brushing some of Tsukishima’s hair standing in the way.

“You’re still hot”, Kuroo whispers. Thanks, so are you, Tsukishima wants to reply. His cheeks burn even more when he remembers the previous night. How Kuroo’s hands felt on his hips. On his ass. Their steamy, breath-taking kiss. How their bodies had reacted naturally to it. Kuroo’s lips leave marks on his neck and collarbone. He hopes they can do it again, soon. Maybe tonight? Tomorrow is already their last night. Then, they’ll leave the next day. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he’s going to miss Kuroo so much. Why? Since when does he get attached that badly and that quickly to people? Is this the club’s fault? Have they cursed him with the desire for human connection or some horrible thing like that? How rude of them.

“Tsukki, why did you push so hard today? It was pretty clear you were exhausted”, Kuroo admonishes him softly. Tsukishima shrugs, trying his best to look as nonchalant as ever.

Kuroo takes his hands in his.

“Baby, I’m not joking. You scared us all, you know?”. Yeah. He knows. Because he’s a wimp. Kuroo flicks him lightly, and Tsukishima looks at him, almost outraged.

“Stop beating yourself up, I already told you that, didn’t I?”.

“Like, yeah, you should’ve been more careful and pay more attention to your body, but also, it could’ve happened to anyone else, you know? Hell, last year, someone at Ubugawa had a heat stroke and we had to call an ambulance because the dude wasn’t responding at all. That was fucking scary. That’s probably why everybody panicked when you collapsed”, Kuroo explains. Tsukishima nods, feeling a bit better that he wasn’t the only one who sucked at taking care of himself.

“Promise me you’ll be more careful now?”, Kuroo whispers. Damn. Does he know how much his voice turns Tsukishima on, especially when he is just whispering so close to him? It sends shivers down his spine, goosebumps on his arms. Tetsurou Kuroo, you’re one hell of a hot jerk. But Tsukishima’s pretend anger quickly vanishes when said hot jerk kisses him softly, tenderly.

“Tsukki, here’s your wa… Ah. Oops”.

Part of Tsukishima knows damn well that kissing in a public space is not very smart and just begging to get caught (especially after last night), but another, pettier part of him still wants to kill Yamaguchi again, as much as he loves him. When Kuroo quickly splits from him, putting his hands behind his back, trying his best to look as innocent and pure as possible, Tsukishima does want to laugh at it, so there’s that.

“Hum, sorry. Do you, huh, do you want me to leave or?

-No need, they’re all coming back. Move”, Kenma suddenly grumbles behind a startled Yamaguchi. No one has heard him coming. Kuroo, once again, is quick on his feet, thankfully. He scrambles fast back to his bed again, as though nothing happened.

Tsukishima stiffens a bit when Takeda, Coach Ukai, the doctor, and the nurse are back, their faces all scrunched up. Did he do something wrong?

“Tsukishima, we need to talk”, Ukai says, and Tsukishima wants to shrink underneath his gaze. He seems mad at him, and Tsukishima doesn’t like that. Sure, he’s a smartass, but only with his peers. He’s a bit ashamed to admit that he tends to be intimidated by adults. Especially ones such as Ukai. It’s not that the coach is mean. He’s tough, sure, but he’s fair. He yells a lot, but he’s never insulting them or anything. Still. Tsukishima finds him rather impressive (and hot, alas. He hasn’t forgotten his very one-sided crush earlier this year, and Yamaguchi never lets him forget either). So, here he is, almost squirming because Coach Ukai seems angry at him.

“Tsukishima, why didn’t you tell us you also fainted at home?”.

Kuroo sits straight again in his bed, startling Kenma. What? He looks at Yamaguchi. Freckles seems just as shocked at this, so he clearly, even he didn’t know that.

“Tsukki! When did that happen? I was at your place almost every day!”. Even Takeda has his arms crossed and a frowning, concerned face, waiting for an answer. Yeah. He screwed up there, fine.

“I didn’t faint, I just got a bit dizzy, and my mom sent me to the doctor, that’s all. I was just tired”, he signs, Yamaguchi translating fast while still staring at him. Great. Now his best friend was mad as well. And Kuroo? One look at him, and Tsukishima knows his crush is also fuming. Fantastic. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, maybe it’s because he’s starting to be overwhelmed, but for once, he almost wants to cry. Keyword being almost. Right now, he’s pissed that everybody is pissed at him. So even though it’s not very mature, he pouts a bit, not caring what he looks like.

“You should have warned us. Your mom said that she told you to tell us. Why didn’t you?”, Takeda asks, clearly not impressed with his attitude. Tsukishima shrugs, wringing his fingers. He did badly. He did badly. Were they going to fire him or suspend him from the club? Surely, they wouldn’t, right? It wasn’t that bad. He didn’t mean to worry or anger them.

“Tsukishima, you’re not in trouble. Well, not completely. We’re just worried, alright?”, Takeda tells him. Tsukishima nods sheepishly. Oh, how he wishes Kuroo wasn’t there to see this disaster. Seriously, did he piss in some God’s cereals for the Universe to be so determined that he’d be continuously humiliated in front of Kuroo?

“Your mom told us you had a blood test a few days before leaving, right?”, the doctor asks. He nods again. Hopefully, his mom didn’t tell them that he is scared of needles. He could never live it down.

“Your results are back. You have anemia, protein deficiency, vitamin D deficiency, and vitamin B12 deficiency as well. Kid, you’re malnourished. It probably didn’t help your fainting problem, you know?”, the doctor says, more quietly this time, almost so not everyone can hear her. But well, the room is small, so he doubts it’s really discreet. He does appreciate the effort, though.

“Recently, did you feel out of breath more easily? More lethargic than usual? Heart beating too fast?”, she asks him. He nods each time. Oh, boy. She sighs, just like Takeda and Ukai.

“Fortunately, there are solutions. Your doctor already gave your mom a prescription for supplements”, she says.

“See why I always insist on you kids eating good, nutritious meals?”, Ukai mutters, scratching his hair. “Have you ever tried protein shakes? I’ve noticed that you don’t seem like a big fan of meat, maybe you could try that”. The doctor nods.

“Hm, this could be a good idea. It’d also help you to put on a few pounds, because you could really use it, you know?”. He nods again. He just wants this to be over.

“We’ll talk more about it in detail when we come home, Tsukishima, alright? For today, you’ll keep on resting, and tonight, please do try to eat well”, Takeda tells him. Tsukishima nods, wondering if his head is going to fall off from all the nodding action. He also hopes that he hides his nausea well. He already feels full of all the snacks Yamaguchi made him eat. The idea of eating a complete meal right now disgusted him. Fortunately, there are still at least three hours before they even start serving dinner.

Tsukishima sighs when everybody finally leaves, dreading a bit for their return home, as Ukai muttered something under his breath about taking a more nutritionist approach with him, not to mention a meeting with the coach, Takeda, and his mom. Ugh. Now, he has a whole new reason for not wanting the camp to end.

He also pouts a bit when Yamaguchi tells him he’ll make it his mission to make sure he’s eating enough before leaving. Tch. Even his mom isn’t as nagging as Yamaguchi is. Great. He has to admit that he is relieved that his friend isn’t mad at him, though.

He is, however, mad at Takeda and Ukai for warning Kuroo, telling him that they had an eye on him, before leaving. This couldn’t have been more embarrassing. They are worse than Akiteru! No, wrong, no one is as overprotective and as overbearing as Akiteru is. Oh, God. What if his mom tells Akiteru he collapsed today? He would never hear the end of it.

Kuroo suddenly appears in front of him, clearing his throat, making Tsukishima jump, snapping out of his new spiral of panic.

“Damn, Tsukki, you really got your head in the clouds, huh?”, Kuroo teases him. Tsukishima pouts even more, but he’s glad they are back on a more banter basis. Finally.

“You’re so cute when you pout, baby”, Kuroo murmurs in his ear, making his toes curl. Tsukishima tries to kick him in the chin, but Kuroo dodges him quite easily. When the blond teen yawns, Kuroo smiles before pushing him back on the bed.

“Come on. Time for a lil’ nap”. When he sees the other boy frowning, he chuckles.

“I’m serious, babe. If you want us to hang out tonight, you’ll need to be fully rested, right?”. Tsukishima shrugs but lies down nonetheless, closing his eyes. He feels Kuroo taking his glasses off delicately before stroking his hair. And sleep comes easily for once.

“Did I do something for you to hate me, Yamaguchi?”, Tsukishima groans for the umpteenth time during dinner. His speech is finally back, although it is still a bit chopped and stilted. Still, it feels good to vocally say how disgruntled he is.

“Come on, Tsukishima. Don’t be mad at Yamaguchi; he’s just worried about you. I think it’s cute and sweet”, Sugawara chuckles. Right. Sweet and cute, my ass.

“Suga’s right. You had us all worry, Tsukishima. Here, you need to eat. I’m sure that’s the reason why you passed out”, Daichi says, adding even more food to his plate. Instinctively, his hand clamps over his mouth, swallowing his nausea. Kageyama and Hinata, who are sitting across him, start to move out of the ‘splash zone’.

“Ah, sorry. Um, maybe you’d prefer something sweeter? Hum, don’t force yourself if you feel like you’re going to be sick”, Daichi apologizes.

“No concession, Daichi! Tsukishima needs to eat more, if we don’t want him to collapse again! So, Tsukishima, man up and eat up”, Nishinoya yells, and Tsukishima is thankful he has his headphones firmly on his ears.

“Noya, if he barfs because we forced him too much, that defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?”, Tanaka notes. Tsukishima arches an eyebrow. Who knew Tanaka could be reasonable? Well, as reasonable as anyone in their team of weirdos can be.

Tsukishima sighs, looking at his plate. It is still so full. He tries to eat a bit more before giving up. He pushes his trail back and focuses for a bit on his infinity cube. Trying to calm down his overwrought senses. For once, his team doesn’t comment or nag him. Even Yamaguchi stays quiet, simply waiting for him to feel a bit better. After a few minutes, Tsukishima manages to eat more before giving up for good. It’s not quite as much as the others would have liked, but this was enough for now.

Less than an hour later, Kuroo finds Tsukishima reading quietly on a bench. As much as they wanted to go on the rooftop again, they thought it’d be better to avoid it. Wouldn’t be good to get caught a second time.

“Have I told you just how pretty you are?”, Kuroo tries for an opener. Tsukishima rolls his eyes a bit, but only to preserve his reputation.

“Now that’s original”. Kuroo grins as he sits next to him. He takes a look at Tsukishima’s book’s cover. Gorilla Among Us, by Dawn Prince-Hughes. Huh.

“Wait, is that book in English?”. Tsukishima shrugs.

“Hm. I couldn’t find a Japanese translation. Besides, I thought it would also help me boost my English and that it could always improve my grades”, Tsukishima explains, looking at the sky.

“Damn. Now I have no idea how I’m supposed to impress you”, Kuroo mumbles, making Tsukishima smile a bit. Kuroo looks at him, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb.

“Do you feel better? I’ve noticed you can talk again.

-Hm, yes, I feel a lot better. I don’t have a fever anymore and I’m no longer dehydrated”, Tsukishima says dutifully. He knows that the doctor would have kept him in the infirmary otherwise.

“Good. That’s, yeah, that’s good”. There is a beat and a silence that lasts a bit too long for once.

“Kuroo?

-Yeah, Tsukki?

-Are things awkward between us?”, Tsukishima asks him, looking at his shoes.

“What? No, no! I… Well, it’s just…”, Kuroo struggles a bit, his cheeks reddening. When he sees Tsukishima looking almost worried, he knows he needs to be honest.

“Okay, yeah, I’m… I’m kinda embarrassed”, he admits pitifully.

“Huh? Embarrassed? By what? You’ve done nothing embarrassing, Kuroo. Apart from making the same jokes and remarks as a middle-aged man, sometimes”. Kuroo can’t help but bark a laughter at Tsukishima’s bluntness.

“Nah, it’s not that. When we made out last night, I’m… I’m embarrassed by how quickly I got aroused. I was afraid you’d think of me as either a virgin loser or a perv”. Tsukishima’s eyes widen a bit as he tilts his head. God, he looks just so cute and perfect. Kuroo gulps. Must remain cool-headed.

“Do you think I’m a virgin loser or a perv, then? Because I also got aroused just by making out with you”, Tsukishima asks, a sweet, adorable pink hue painting his cheeks.

“Ah, no! It’s just… I don’t know. I was hoping to be more mature and less, y’know… Horny, desperate teen”. Tsukishima pouts.

“Welcome to how I’ve felt ever since meeting you, then”, he grumbles, crossing his arms.

“Wait, really?”, Kuroo asks him, and when Tsukishima’s face gets all red, he realizes that maybe he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. And it’s confirmed when Tsukishima hides his face in his hands, groaning.

“Aww, Tsukki! That was adorable!”.

“No, it was cheesy.

-Okay, so let’s be cheesy together, then”, Kuroo suggests, passing an arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders, bringing him closer to him. Tsukishima blushes before resting his head on Kuroo’s shoulder, his hand gripping his shirt.

“Let’s hope neither of us is lactose intolerant”, Kuroo adds. Tsukishima groans.

“See, this is what I was talking about when I said you sometimes sound like a middle-aged man”. Kuroo laughs again. His damn hyena laughter. Tsukishima lifts his head up from his shoulder, looking at him with a mischievous grin. Uh-oh.

“Kuroo, your laugh reminds me of a hyena giving birth”. Kuroo bites his lips not to laugh. No need to prove him right. But apparently, Tsukishima isn’t done yet.

“That reminds me… Kuroo, do you know how hyenas give birth?”, Tsukishima asks him, his sweet little voice the picture of innocence. Hmm… Is it a trap? Oh, well. Kuroo shakes his head.

“No”. Tsukishima grins, and Kuroo has a shiver coursing through his body. And he doesn’t know if it’s from fear or arousal. Maybe both?

Less than a minute later, once Tsukishima is done with his (extremely) graphic explanation, Kuroo closes his legs, hiding his penis firmly, in solidarity (and in fear) with those poor, unfortunate souls while Tsukishima gloats at his horror.

“Tsukki, not cool! I did NOT need to know that”. Tsukishima giggles. Actually giggles. And it’s the cutest sound in the world, and it almost makes up for his sadism. Something something about face of an angel, mind of a demon.

“I’ve learned that when I was twelve and ever since then, I’ve made it my mission to spread the words. I don’t see why I should be the only one to be traumatized by that”.

“Well, thanks, that’s an honor, I guess”. Tsukishima smiles brightly at him. That little minx! Yes, minx, exactly. Kuroo grins. His turn to tease him. In one swift movement, he has Tsukishima sitting on his lap again. And just like that, the blond boy is back to a blushing, stuttering mess.

“K… Kuroo! People could see us. And also, I’m too heavy!”, he hisses.

“Well, first of all, I don’t care if people see us. And there’s barely anyone! Second, you’re not heavy, my dude. You’re light as a feather. That’s why I’m able to put you in my lap”, Kuroo says, nuzzling into Tsukishima’s neck, leaving kisses and marks everywhere while the other boy simply whines.

“So, so, so cute. My Tsukki”, Kuroo whispers, passing his arms around Tsukishima’s waist, cuddling him even closer as Tsukishima rests his head against his, his hands on his shoulders. It’s a weird position, not particularly a comfortable one at that, but Kuroo thinks it’s completely worth it as he sees the blond’s flushed face. Even more so when Tsukishima sighs contentedly in his ear as he rubs his back.

They stay like that for several minutes, not exchanging any words. Just sweet, simple gestures between them.

“Baby?”, Kuroo says as the wind picks up, making the boy in his arms shiver a bit. If there is one thing he learned about Tsukishima is that he’s very sensitive to cold.

“Let’s get you back to the building, alright?”. Tsukishima shakes his head but still disentangles from him, abandoning his position as a clingy baby koala. Kuroo smiles at him before taking his hand as they walk towards the edifice.

“Oh, by the way. Tomorrow night, we’re not training in Gym 3, but there is something I’d like to do with you. If that’s okay”, Kuroo says once they can enjoy the light warmth of the hallway.

“Hm, it depends on what it is”, Tsukishima says, getting closer to Kuroo, while still looking at the ground. Kuroo quickly checks out the surroundings and, satisfied to find no one else, he hugs the boy tight, nibbling gently at his ear.

“Hmmmmm, don’t avoid my question, Kuroo”, Tsukishima whines, still nuzzling closer to him, closing his eyes.

“Sorry, sorry. There’s a festival tomorrow. We took the habit of going with Bokuto when we were in first year. It’s not huge or anything, not too crowded. There are food stalls, we can win nice stuff, and just have a good time. Do you want to join us?”, Kuroo asks. Tsukishima ponders.

“Hm. Not too crowded?

-I… Well, there are some people, but I don’t think it’d be too much? I can’t be the judge of that, though”, Kuroo hesitates. He wants to spend time with Tsukishima, but not at the expense of his comfort.

“Listen, if you get overwhelmed or scared, I promise I’ll take you back here right away”, Kuroo says. Tsukishima nods.

“Alright, then. Hmm, will other people be there with us?

-Hm, like I said, I always go with Bokuto, and last year, he brought Akaashi. Kenma always opts out, though. Lots of other people at the camp go too, but I only hang out with Bo and Akaashi.

-Okay. I can do that. Bokuto is a bit loud, but Akaashi will counterbalance him, I guess”, Tsukishima concludes. Kuroo chuckles, liking the way Tsukishima calculates all his information to make a decision.

“It’s a date then.

-Wait, are we even allowed to leave the school grounds?

-Yeah, don’t worry about it. Tomorrow, the teachers will ask who wants to go, just so they know who’s there and who is staying. We have a curfew, though. Must be back before the strikes of 11 P.M”. Tsukishima nods again. When Kuroo accompanies him to his dorms again, he realizes that they only have two more days and a half together. It hurts. And it hurts even more when Tsukishima looks at him, his eyes big, round, and sad. Kuroo kisses his cheek gently.

“Good night, baby. And tomorrow, promise me not to overdo it again, alright?

-Fine”, Tsukishima pouts. And when he goes to bed, his view perfectly obstructed by his mask, he finds himself looking forward to tomorrow.