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Robert's been to Emmerdale more in the last few years than he has in the preceding fifteen, and everytime he drives past the sign it brings back memories. His father features in most of them but so does his brother and sister. The memories claw at his skin and make him clench his fingers around the steering wheel but then he glances to the passenger’s seat, at his son smiling at the appearance of the little village, and something in him softens.
It’s a different place now, after all; his father has been dead for twenty five years and both Andy and Victoria are adults now. It’s Victoria that brought him back three years earlier to meet her son, Harry, and in the years since, the two cousins have become close friends. So Robert makes the journey a few times a year from Manchester and the rekindled relationship with Victoria softens the painful memories. Being a single dad makes it even more tempting to visit; family has become more important since he has one of his own.
Now, he can sit in the village that tore him apart as a child and though the memories are still there, he can make new ones. He can watch his nephew grow up, can watch his son run around on the swings laughing with his cousin. It’s a Saturday afternoon and he enjoys the late spring breeze, the sun on his face. Vic is next to him on the bench Vic's next to him on the bench, eyes closed as she takes in the afternoon sunlight, and in the companionable silence Robert hears gravel footsteps behind them. He glances over and can’t help but freeze.
He's just over there.
Robert's noticed him every time he's come to visit, and they even spoke to one another once. Aaron’s the name, son of Chas, who Robert remembers well from childhood. The first time he saw him was two years ago; Robert was in the café waiting for Vic and Aaron was there with a bald man in a barbour jacket. They didn’t speak but Robert watched him from where he waited for his order, surprised by how taken he was. He's fit in that scruffy way with a sharp nose and stubble that frames full lips. More often than not, he wears a high-vis jacket and has oil stains on his hands and Robert's barely dated anyone in years but it's another benefit of visiting, seeing him. Remembering what it's like to feel attraction, to want.
Robert watches as he crosses the street, jeans framing his arse, with a sandwich from the café in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.
'I forget, have you met Aaron?’ Vic’s looking at him with a hand shielding her eyes from the sun, a knowing smile on her lips.
Robert shrugs. ‘Once,’ he says. It was his last visit, over Christmas. Robert ran to the shop on a last-minute Christmas Eve potato emergency they bumped into each other, making Aaron drop the cans he carried under his arm. It was a bit of a mess, and they shared a word or two, nothing much. Robert was still thinking about it when he drove home on Boxing Day.
He knows enough about Aaron from Vic to feel like he has met him. He’s Vic's best friend and the one Harry affectionately calls ‘Uncle’. So, Robert’s got competition. He’s prepared to keep watching Aaron walk away, watch the self-assured set of his shoulders and the excellent arse in those jeans but Vic gets up, waves.
‘Aaron!’
‘No, Vic—’ Robert begins but she’s just grinning.
‘It’s about time you two meet properly,’ she says before looking back at Aaron.
‘You what?’ Aaron yells from across the street.
‘Just come ‘ere, there’s someone I want you to meet!’
Aaron sighs but looks back and forth across the road before crossing, making his way through the trees until he’s standing right there.
Robert’s mouth is a little dry. Those eyes are looking at him, puzzled, and all Robert can do is watch as Victoria extends an arm out and points at Robert. ‘This is my brother, Robert.’
‘Right,’ Aaron says. ‘We met, at Christmas…’
‘I remember,’ Robert says and God, does he remember. Aaron had flushed cheeks from the cold and wore a silly bobble hat, and Robert had wanted nothing more than find an excuse to keep him in the shop, chatting.
Aaron wipes a hand on his black jeans but there’s still plenty of oil on his hands when he holds it out for Robert to shake. ‘Aaron.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ Robert says and when their hands touch, heat spreads up Robert’s arm. Aaron’s hands are roughened by manual labour, strong and warm. Aaron smiles a little, knowingly. Robert can’t help but follow the line of his mouth as it curls up, watch as Aaron takes his lower lip between his teeth.
It’s embarrassing but Robert can’t look away.
‘More important than this idiot is this little guy,’ Vic continues with a look towards where Harry and Seb are chasing each other down the slides now. ‘Seb, my nephew.’
‘Seb, come and say hi,’ Robert says but Seb ignores him, instead spending his time running around after his cousin. ‘Seb, come on…’
‘Hi!’ Seb yells as he runs after Harry, catching him by the swings.
‘Sorry,’ Robert says with a sigh. ‘He’s busy.’
‘No worries, let them play.’ Aaron looks at the two boys fondly. ‘Vic’s told me a lot about you, you know? Can’t stop going on about your visits…’
Vic hits him on the arm. ‘Don’t tell him that, you’ll scare him away.’
‘Not his fault you’re a bit of a maniac,’ Aaron says and Vic frowns at him, but there’s such fondness between them that Robert can’t help but smile as well.
‘So, Vic told me you live in Manchester?’
‘Yeah, for about three years now,’ Robert says. ‘We moved up from London for a job.’
‘It’s just been really nice having you close by,’ Vic says with a smile.
‘What else has Vic said about me?’
‘Nothing good,’ Aaron says with a smile, and a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it once over that makes Robert shiver. ‘You visiting for the weekend?’
‘It’s Robert’s birthday tomorrow so we’re celebrating with a picnic tomorrow,’ Vic says with a big smile, scooting on the bench to give Aaron a spot between them. Robert rolls his eyes but a warmth spreads through his chest. It’s what family does. ‘Robert’s kipping it in my spare room. Seb’s on a mattress in Harry’s room.’
Aaron takes the seat and sits so that his thigh is inches from Robert’s. ‘The two of them must enjoy that, they seem to be getting along well.’
‘They do!’ Vic says, and then she’s off talking about how they’re fast friends and how they can’t stop talking about each other. Robert wants to pitch in but he’s stunned. Aaron glances at him, gives a small shake of his head, and then looks back at Vic.
‘… and the best thing about it, is that it gives Robert a reason to drive up here every so often and hang out!’
‘That is a good thing,’ Aaron says with a glance at Robert. ‘Right, I need to get back to the scrapyard, yeah?’
‘Do you want to join us for dinner?’ she asks. ‘Rob, you don’t mind do you?’
‘No,’ Robert says. ‘Not at all.’ Then he smiles at Aaron and Aaron nods.
‘Great! Dinner’s at six,’ she says with a smile and then Aaron’s off. He glances over his shoulder though, as he walks towards the scrapyard, and catches Robert’s eye. It sends something hot shooting down Robert’s spine.
Robert used to be great at this, meeting people, flirting. It’s been years now since he last met someone for something other than a quick fumble and he finds himself out of practice. As Aaron walks away, Robert feels that heat simmering under his skin… he just doesn’t have any idea what to do about it.
-
By five fifteen, Robert’s nervous. He hasn’t been nervous like this in years, almost a decade. It’s a messy story, the one of him and Seb’s mum and it’s not a story he’s proud of. He doesn’t like who he was back then. Now that Robert’s older, more mature, he’s accepted who he is and accepted that he likes both men and women. The problem is that he’s woefully out of practise.
‘Dad, why are you doing to your hair?’ Seb says.
Robert looks away from where he’s fixing it in the mirror, trying to make sure the blond strands are standing just right, to where his son is watching him from the doorway.
‘Trying to look nice, we’ve got a guest tonight.’
Seb’s wearing his favourite dinosaur t-shirt and a a pair of shorts that somehow already have dirt on them. Robert bends down and tries to wipe it off, but the mud has dried and leaves a brown patch on the side of Seb’s trousers. Robert sighs.
‘Oops,’ Seb says and moves his hand from where he held onto Robert’s arm, leaving a muddy handprint.
‘Seb, mate… this was my nice shirt!’
Sorry, daddy…’ Seb says, eyes on the floor.
‘It’s alright,’ Robert says, shrugging it off. ‘I’ll find something else to wear. You go and play with Harry, yeah?’
Seb grins and runs downstairs.
Aaron shows up just past seven with a six pack of beers under his arm. His hair is styled like it was earlier and his stubble still perfectly frames his mouth. He’s wearing a tight fitted black t-shirt and Robert can’t help but let his eyes run down Aaron’s body, admiring and when his eyes make their way back up to Aaron’s face, he’s sporting a smug smile.
‘Come on in!’ Vic says, leading them to the living room. It took a bit of manoeuvring but they managed to push the sofa out to one side and arrange the table to fit five people. Vic takes the six pack and stuffs it in the fridge and Aaron takes a seat where he can look at her through the small hole in the wall.
Robert’s wearing a plain white t-shirt, one he was planning on wearing tomorrow but he’ll have to dig out his spare for that. The life of a parent includes bringing a few extra changes of clothes everywhere. He follows Aaron and takes a seat opposite him.
‘How was your day then?’ Vic asks from the kitchen.
‘Fine,’ Aaron says gruffly. He doesn’t appear to be a man of many words. ‘Vinny was off today so it was quiet.’
‘Good,’ Vic says. She glances at Robert and indicates for him to speak, eyes wide and moving in Aaron’s direction. Robert sighs.
‘You mentioned a scrapyard?’ he asks and he hates the way it comes out, stilted and arrogant.
Aaron faces him, blue eyes piercing, and nods. ‘Yeah, me own business.’
‘That’s… great.’ If Robert could punch himself in the face, he would. ‘How long have you been working with scrap?’
The twenty-five year old version of himself, the one he has lost among the disaster that was his marriage and the years of parenting, is rolling around in his grave. He used to be good at this. He would walk into any club, pub, or bar and within minutes have at least three options to pull but he’s rusty, unused to attention.
He scratches at his stubble and watches as Aaron narrows his eyes, considering him.
‘Almost ten years,’ Aaron says. ‘Started it with Adam, Vic’s ex.’
Robert knows about him – disappeared a few years earlier and left her broken-hearted. Upstairs, they can hear Seb and Harry playing and Robert realises how little about Vic’s life before Harry he knows. It’s sad, really. A family so close and yet so far away.
‘Either of yous want a can?’ Vic asks.
Aaron accepts but Robert gets up and opens the bottle of red wine he brought from Manchester. He brings Aaron a beer and when he hands it to him, it’s there again, that spark. It shoots down Robert’s arm and settles in his chest, makes his heart beat a little bit faster. Their eyes meet and Robert can see it, that spark mirrored in Aaron. A slight parting of his mouth, a slightly raised eyebrow. He’s as surprised as Robert by whatever this is.
Dinner passes smoothly, though Robert feels like he’s stumbling over his words, saying the wrong things at every turn. At some point, their legs touch under the table and Robert freezes. Heat pools in his stomach and he feels like an idiot. He excuses himself, and goes to the bathroom.
The man he sees in the mirror is not the smooth and cocky twenty-five year old. Instead, he’s a middle-aged man with laugh lines and a goatee that he’s not sure he can pull off. The remnants of that confident young man are still there. He just needs to find him again.
Vic watches him as he walks back in. Seb’s grinning from where he’s sitting and Harry’s separating the carrots from his lasagne.
‘Did I miss something?’ Robert asks.
‘No,’ Seb says, quickly. Vic takes a sip of her wine but says nothing, her eyes glinting with something Robert doesn’t understand.
Seb and Harry excuse themselves as soon as they’ve scarfed down Vic’s lasagne and it leaves the three of them around the table.
Vic and Aaron are chatting and it’s enough to just watch, the smiles, the glint in his eyes. It’s been a long time since Robert was this… smitten. It makes his skin feel tight across his chest, his chest too small to contain whatever is flittering underneath.
When there’s a sound of something breaking upstairs, Vic sighs and looks between them. ‘I’ll go and check on them, shall I?’
It leaves Robert and Aaron alone, and Robert’s heartbeat starts thumping in his chest.
‘Look, I’m sorry if my being here is weird for you,’ Aaron says and Robert’s eyes widen.
‘What? No, not at all…’
‘Okay,’ Aaron says, shifting a little in his seat. ‘You just haven’t really spoken to me all night, and I don’t want to intrude on your time with your sister.’
‘No, it’s all good,’ Robert says. Aaron nods and the conversation seems to settle.
‘Your kid seems to think you like me,’ Aaron says after a moment.
A blush creeps up Robert’s cheeks. ‘You what?’
‘When you went to the bathroom earlier, Seb…’ Aaron’s eyes are bright and he’s smiling a little. ‘He said you wanted to wear your nice shirt because you like me.’
Robert puts his head in his hand. ‘Smooth,’ he says. ‘I can’t even flirt properly and then my son goes and does it for me?’
Aaron balks at that. ‘That was you flirting? You really are out of practice.’
‘I know,’ Robert says with a chuckle. ‘I haven’t done this in a long time.’
‘What, flirted?’
‘Any of it,’ Robert says with a shrug. ‘I haven’t dated anyone since… Seb’s mum, and that wasn’t really dating.’
Aaron nods, bites his lower lip.
‘You know, Vic’s really been enjoying your visits.’ Aaron’s got his arms crossed over his chest. ‘She’s been telling me all about her brother, how happy it makes her that you two are seeing each other again.’
‘Right,’ Robert says with a smile on his face. It’s nice to know it, even though he already did.
‘I don’t want to get in the middle of that.’ Aaron watches him from across the table, leg extended close to Robert’s. Aaron’s face softens. ‘Does Vic know?’
‘Know what?’
Aaron moves his leg until it is touching Robert’s and the spark of electricity makes Robert take in a short breath. His gaze trails down Aaron’s face, across his broad chest, and then back up to find one of Aaron’s eyebrows lifted.
‘She knows I’m bi,’ Robert says.
Aaron smiles and then, there’s the sound of Vic’s footsteps coming back down the stairs.
‘Right, give it another half hour and I’m turning off the light. The two of them are impossible to get down but I’ll let them play a bit longer.’
‘Sounds good,’ Robert says, hoping she doesn’t notice the tension dissipating as the moment’s broken.
‘You two’s want another drink?’
Aaron lifts an eyebrow at Robert, a question more than anything.
‘I’ll have another glass of wine,’ Robert says.
‘Another beer, thanks.’
They end up talking well into the night, with a short break while Robert gets Seb and Harry ready for dinner. It’s more fun than Robert has had in years, sitting in his sister’s small living room and laughing over a glass of wine.
Vic starts yawning when the clock strikes 11:45 and Aaron gets up, gets ready to leave. Robert doesn’t want him to go, wants to keep him talking, smiling, laughing. Aaron’s surprisingly funny and Robert likes him, more than he can admit.
It’s crazy, coming to visit your sister and snogging the local scrapper. Robert also knows that this is the first time in years that he has felt that tug of wanting, and the desire is overwhelming. It’s reckless and insane but he’s been starving for years and with his blue eyes and solid frame, Aaron’s a feast.
‘I’ll walk you out,’ Robert says and Vic raises an eyebrow.
Aaron accepts.
As the door clicks closed behind them, Aaron turns around. He looks beautiful in the moonlight and he stands there, facing Robert, a big question on his face.
‘So, you’ve walked me out,’ he says.
‘Yeah,’ Robert says, taking a step closer.
‘And…?’
‘And I’ve been wanting to do this all evening.’ Aaron’s eyes widen as he sees what Robert wants, as he sees Robert move closer and the instant before their lips meet, Robert sees Aaron smile.
It’s a soft press of lips, slightly off centre and for a moment, Robert worries that he has forgotten how to do this. He tilts his head slightly, centres his lips on Aaron’s, and then there’s a small touch of a tongue and—Robert’s brain short-circuits.
Aaron’s mouth is hot wet and Robert gets lost in it. Aaron pulls him flush against him, moving his lips against Robert’s, his tongue sliding along Robert’s own and it pulls a moan from his chest.
He doesn’t know how long it lasts, minutes or hours, but when they pull apart he feel like he’s been through a storm. He’s hard and aching for more but now is not the time. He can come back, he can visit, take Aaron out properly. He can do it right.
Aaron steps back and smiles, his lips red from kissing.
‘You don’t visit often, do you?’ he asks.
Robert clears his throat but he still sounds affected when he speaks. ‘I was planning on coming here again in May, for the bank holiday weekend.’
Aaron nods. ‘Make sure you get my number from Vic.’
‘Alright,’ Robert says.
Aaron opens the gate but stops when he shuts it. ‘Oh, and Robert? Happy birthday.’
Robert grins. ‘Thanks.’
Robert takes a moment to look at the night sky above him. The stars are never visible in Manchester; too much light pollution. Here though, they shine brightly. He’d like Seb to grow up somewhere with a playground, somewhere there’s family. As he watches Aaron walk away he feels something build in his chest that hasn’t been there for a long time.
It’s too soon for that anyway. For now, he’s got a day tomorrow to look forward to and who knows, maybe he can take Aaron out next time he’s here. The possibilities are there and he smiles, alone outside his sister’s house. He feels happier than he has in a long time. Maybe this village is not so much about the past he left behind, but he future he can build.