Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Gangle has never been a big fan of Caine's adventures. They're always too much for her, too loud, too eventful, too everything. Today is especially bad, a crescendo of the awful week she's had.

It seems like Caine was in a particular mood this week. His adventures have always been hectic, but he still maintained some semblance of order.

But recently Caine has been distant. There's a strain in his voice whenever he talks to them, his eyes not entirely focused. And when things go off the rails during an adventure, he rarely intervenes. 

Jax has also been in a mood, he probably thinks he's hiding it well, but as the one on the receiving end of it Gangle can tell something has him worked up. And without Caine's presence, he takes the opportunity to let out all his frustrations onto her.

His pranks are meaner and he targets her in any competition or team based adventures. 

She tries really hard not to let it all bother her, she tries to listen to Zooble's advice, and at times she's thinks she's doing well. She pushes back against him and does her best to tune his words out. But it still gets to her, no matter how hard she tries. 

The stress of whatever is going on with Caine, plus Jax's torment has brought her to the edge. And now being teamed up with Kinger for a game of hide and seek with Jax as the seeker has pushed her over.

She likes Kinger, really, she does. He's cooky but in an endearing way, he reminds her of one of her old art teachers in college. An older man who's eccentrics translated beautifully to his art.

In that way, he's comforting to her. A reminder of her real life. 

But on a day like today, traits she usually wouldn't mind or only find mildly annoyed are bringing her to a boil. 

They've been running around to circus trying to find someplace to hide, she has a ribbon wrapped around his hand practically dragging him. He doesnt seem to understand what they're doing, he's constantly getting distracted and is being much too loud for someone who is supposed to be hiding.

Having him with her has slowed them down, and each good hiding spot is already occupied by the time they get there. 

"Kinger... Please focus, we need to find someplace to hide!" 

They have to find a good, no, the best spot. They have to or Jax will find them and when he finds her he'll-

"Oh! I know just the spot!" Suddenly it's her being dragged, Kinger beeling to God knows where. Defeated, she resigns herself to whatever Jax has in mind for her.

But, surprisingly, Kinger does actually know a spot. It's behind the stage in the Circus's main room, a small door off to the side hidden by the curtains. She's never been back here before, she didn't even know they could be back here. 

Kinger opens the door, the room inside is small with shelves lining the walls holding props, some she recognizes from previous adventures. There's a small lightbulb illuminating the room, it swings back and forth casting shadows on walls.

Kinger stands there, still holding the door open with an expectant look on his face. 

"Oh... It's.. it's very nice Kinger, thank you..." He smiles (at least, she thinks he is, it's hard to tell given the lack of a mouth) at her, seeming satisfied he yanks her into the room eliciting a yelp from her as he closes the door behind them.

The room is small, but not cramped. There's still a few feet between her and Kinger who is leaning against the door with the side of his face where his ear would be pressed up against it. She's not sure if he can actually hear anything better that way, but decides to leave him to it.

She slumps against the shelf behind her, slightly rattling it. Her mind is still racing with all the horrible ideas of what Jax will do to her when he finds her.

She focuses on the lightbulb still swinging back and forth. It's annoying, she decides. She glares at it, the creaking sound it makes pisses her off (like Jax's voice). It's an obnoxious yellow (like Jax's teeth). Back, forth, back, forth, back-

She grabs something from the shelf behind her and hurls it at the lightbulb. It's shatters noisely, scattering shards of glass over the room. Kinger shrieks and the room is engulfed in darkness. 

She shuts her eyes, trying to fight off the noise in her brain. Her breathing is fast and way too loud. She curles her ribbons against her eyes, rubbing at them furiously like she can scrub away her thoughts.

A hand settles on her shoulder. She pulls her ribbons away, snapping her head up to see Kinger kneeling in front of her. At some point she must've sunk to the ground. As her eyes adjust to the darkness she can see the concerned look in Kinger's surprisingly clear eyes.

"Gangle?" His voice is much softer than she's ever heard it. "I need you to focus on breathing, can you do that?" Can she? It shouldn't be difficult, but right now it seems like an impossible task. "It's okay, I'll do it with you, follow my breathing." He takes a deep breath in and out. He does this a couple of times before Gangle tries to follow along. Her first breath is much shakier and she can't hold it for as long, but slowly they even out until she's breathing in sync with Kinger.

"Good, you're doing great Gangle." The praise does something to her, he probably didn't even think before saying it, but it feels like a punch to the gut. Her eyes water, a sight that takes Kinger aback as he pulls his hand away from her shoulder with a look of panic.

"I'm sorry, I didn't.. are you alright?" He looks out of place now, like he's not sure what to do. Gangle snatches one of his hands back, holding onto it with a vise grip. He seems a little taken a back but allows her to squeeze his hand hard enough that it must hurt.

For a while they don't speak. Gangle's tears eventually stop, but she doesn't release his hand. He scooches to sit beside her, the small space leaves little room between them. But she doesn't mind, squished against him she can feel how strangely warm he is, she wonders if it's his robe or if he somehow has body heat. It's... comforting, in a don't think about it too much way.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She tenses, he must feel it because he quickly adds "You don't have to! We can just stay like this if you'd prefer." She mulls it over, talking sounds exhausting but... 

"There's something wrong with me." She quietly admits, like she hopes he won't be able to hear it.

"What do you mean?" Despite her nerves, his voice holds no judgement.

"I... I'm just so angry. This whole week has been so awful, and Jax just won't leave me alone! He's so mean and awful and... And I think I hate him!" Guilt wells up in her at the admission.

Kinger turns his head to look at her, "I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling that way, Gangle." He shifts to put the hand she's not holding on her shoulder. "He centrainly hasn't given you much to like." He chuckles.

"But he's not like that with anyone else! I mean, he's always mean but with me it feels more than that."

Kinger is silent for a moment, he's probably gathering his thoughts but Gangle takes the opportunity to continue. Her voice becoming frantic. 

"And he was being friendly with Pomni! They got along, he was so nice to her. I just can't stand it! It makes me so angry, I hate it. Sometimes I just want to punch that stupid f$@%ing grin off his face. I want to scream at him and tell him just how much I hate him, how... how much better things would be without him here. Isn't that awful? I'm just as bad as him." She whispers the last part, curling in on herself and pulling her hand away from his in shame.

She expects him to yell at her, or to storm out. She wouldn't blame him. But he does neither, he keeps his hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly.

And when he speaks again his voice isn't disgusted or angered.

"I think... Jax doesn't know how to regulate his emotions. He has all these feelings welling up inside him, he doesnt know what to do with them so he turns them towards you. He's using you to vent his own frustrations, and that's not your fault." 

He squeezes the hand on her shoulder, she pulls her head up. Looking into his eyes, she finds nothing but understanding.

"You're allowed to be angry, Gangle."

Her eyes are watering again, "But I want to hurt him! Doesn't that make me just as bad?"

"No. The difference between you and him is that he acts on those thoughts, you don't."

He says it so matter of factly, like it's that simple.

"How do you know I haven't already acted on them? Or that I wont?"

He speaks and Gangle holds onto each word he says like it's the gospel. 

"I've been here for a very long time, I've met people like Jax before. Giving into those cruel thoughts is an act of self defense to them. But you, Gangle, I've never met anyone like you." Tears are streaming down her face again, but she doesn't bother wiping them away. "I know you'll never act on them because you're this upset from just the thought of them. And that, Gangle, makes you stronger than most." Strong. No one has ever called her strong before. She's always been meek and timid, strong just isn't a word associated with her. But hearing it from him, she wants to believe it.

She sniffles, finally wiping her tears away. She giggles a wet and probably pretty pathetic sound. 

"Thanks Kinger."

She wraps one of her ribbons around his hand again, more gentle than last time.

"Don't mention it."

She's not sure when he got this wise, or if he always was. 

There's a question on the tip of her tongue, something that's been bothering her. Kinger seems to know what she asking just from the look in her eye.

"I'm acting pretty strange, huh?" She doesn't mean to be rude but... She nods. He chuckles, he goes to answer but she cuts him off.

"Its the darkness, right?" He startles, looking at her like she's grown a second head. 

"Ah, yes. How did you-?"

"I get it. It's nice, the darkness. It... Makes some of my thoughts quieter." She smiles at him and his gaze softens into something fond. "Is that why you have that pillow fort?" 

"...Yes it's comforting, reminds me of better times." There's a story to that, but she reckons they're both a little emotionally drained for that conversation. "You said you found dark spaces comforting as well?" She nods, he practically beams when he offers; "You could join me in the pillow fort when your thoughts get too much?" 

"You wouldn't mind..?"

"Not at all! You like to draw, right?" She nods, a little confused at the sudden shift in conversation. "Maybe we could draw together! Though I have to warn you I've never been a very good artist." He says with a chuckle. 

"Yeah... I, I think I'd like that." 

Later that week, when her thoughts get too much she sneaks off and makes her way to Kinger's pillow fort. 

She stands just in front of it, not sure how to get in without collapsing the whole thing. Suddenly a hand pops out, pulling some of the pillows aside. She takes the invitation and crawls inside.

The inside is much bigger than what it looks like on the outside, she assumes it's just some Circus shenanigans.

Kinger sits nervously off to the side, she wonders if he's ever had anyone else in his fort. She scooches closer, pulling out her sketch book.

She's a little nervous, art is something near and dear to her heart. She doesn't think she'd be able to handle Kinger making fun of her art. But, he doesn't. He asks her questions and enthusiasticly points out things he likes. 

By the time they're finished, Gangle's previous thoughts are completely forgotten.

"Can you draw bugs?" She snorts, of course. Everyone has noticed Kinger's affinity for bugs, it's something that he seems to hold the same enthusiasm for even with a clearer head. 

"Yeah, I could draw you some bugs, Kinger." He's practically glowing, excitement radiating off of him. No, wait, he's actually glowing. 

"Kinger, you're not breathing." 

"Oh, whoops!"

She giggles, lights or no lights, he's still Kinger.

Chapter Text

Caine has gotten freakishly good at finding their hiding spots, they suspect he's got some way of tracking all of them, but it's no less creepy when he pops out of nowhere.

Hence, Zooble is stuck participating in yet another shitty adventure. If they had hair, they'd be tugging it out in frustration.

It's dark, so dark they can hardly see in front of them. They've been dragging a hand across the hedge wall to, hopefully, keep track of where they are. Caine's adventure of the day is a maze. Simple, except for the fact Caine decided this was going to be one of his 'mature' adventures. 

They wonder if this is another attempt to get them to like his adventures. They used to be able to get away with skipping adventures, but recently Caine has been much more forceful. And each of his attempts seem more desperate than the last. Still, they have no clue as to why he thought they'd like this. 

The gimmick of this adventure is bugs, lots and lots of bugs. Specifically, centipedes. Sometimes they wonder if Caine has it out for Ragatha, who looked positively sickened, or if he's really that oblivious.
They were given a 5 minute head start before 2 giant centipedes would be released, chasing them down.

The moment it started Zooble reached for Gangle, together they bolted in a random direction. 
Eventually their stamina ran out, and they slowed to a brisk walk. They had no clue where they were at that point. They weren't given the chance to recouplate before the lights switched off, behind them they could hear the pitter-pattering of hundreds of feet.

It wasn't long before they stumbled across one of the creatures. Zooble had tried to tug Gangle away but she tripped, her mask breaking in the process. 
Zoobles hand was wrenched out of Gangle's, and before they had the chance to turn back the centipede had already caught her, flinging her around in it's mouth like a dog.

Gangle had not seemed nearly as scared as she usually is without her mask. She still cried, voice high pitched and wobbly as she yelled at Zooble to leave. But at the same time, she was valiantly smacking the top of the centipede's head with her broken mask. If the sight wasn't so horrifying, they'd be proud.

Before they could do anything, the centipede ran off carrying the wailing Gangle in its maw away.

Which led Zooble to now, slowly making their way through the maze with foggy vision and not a damn clue where they were headed.

Honestly, it's not that bad. They haven't come across any more centipedes, and Jax being nowhere to be found is always welcomed. At least, it wouldn't be that bad if they weren't stuck with Kinger.

At some point, they had the misfortune of bumping into him. He let out a high pitched screach that they rushed to cover with their hand, shushing him as he looked at them like he'd never seen them before.

They probably should've just left him there, rushed off before he could catch up with them. It wouldn't have been hard, Kinger seemed pretty dazed. But Zooble must be getting soft, because the idea of leaving Kinger like this all confused, lost and pathetic like a wet cat abandoned in the rain had them pulling him up by his disconnected hand. 

At first Kinger had rambled his typical nonsense to them, but he's gotten surprisingly quite as they traverse the maze. It's honestly a little off putting. Kinger is many things, but quiet is not one of them.

They've come to a fork in the maze, one that they swear they've passed before. "D@#$ it, we're not getting anywhere like this!" 

"Oh! Go left!" Kinger's hand shot out in front of them, pointing to the right side. 

They let out a long-suffering sigh, "Kinger... That's right."

He pulls his hand back, turning back they see Kinger crouched on the floor, holding his hands in an L shape in front of his face. 

"Ah, other left then!"

"Right."

"Right!"

"...whatever"

Well, it's not like they've got much to lose. They let Kinger take the lead, leading them down the right path. They traverse like this for a while, Kinger dragging them in seemingly random directions. Occasionally, he crouches down to stop and do... Something. They have half the mind to leave him to it, but by the 4th or 5th time this happens they snap.

"Kinger what the f$%@ are you doing?" He looks up at them from where he's settled on the ground. He raises a closed fist, opening it there's a small glowing... Ant?

"That's... Not really answering my question. Where the h#$$ did you get that?"

"I found it! I've been leaving them next to the paths we've already taken so we know which one's we've been!"

The ant isn't moving, upon closer inspection, it looks like one of those cheap rubber ants you'd find in kids toys.

"That's actually a pretty good idea... Surprised you came up with that."

Kinger beams and thanks them. Setting the small ant down and standing up, whipping his knees (does he even have knees?) off. 

Yep, this is super fucking weird. Kinger being actually competent was not on their bingo card. But, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, they just follow along. 

At some point, they can see a faint glow in the distance through the hedges. That seems promising, they might actually get out of here. "Hey, Kinger, you seeing th-"

Scuttle

"You've got to be kidding me."

Turning around one of the centipedes stands ominously.

Grabbing Kinger's hand they drag him in the vague direction of the light. Behind them, they can hear the sound of scuttling feet rapidly gaining on them. 

"There!" Kinger's hand floats in front of them, pointing them to a large arch to their right decorated with glowing lights. "That's it!"

Rushing forward, they're almost there! They reach out a hand. Just for another centipede to block their way.

"Are you f@#$ing kidding me?!"

They're cornered, they back up only the bump into the other centipede behind them, leaving them stuck with no exit. 

They've already made peace with their lose by the time Kinger shouts "SURPRISE ANT-TACK!" Before throwing a handful of glowing ants above their heads. Kinger grabs their hand and ducks as both of the centipedes charge after the ants, crashing into each other mid air.

Dazed, the centipedes don't notice as Kinger and Zooble duck under the centipede's flailing legs.

They run towards the exit, Kinger a ways ahead of them as Zooble's stupid pieces won't move the way they want them to. 

Kinger makes it through the arch. Kneeling over and breathing heavily, he turns to look at them. His look of victory is wiped off his face.

"Zooble!" A centipede latches onto one of their legs and tugs. They fall foward crashing to the ground. 

"S#-@! Kinger!!"

They call out, but he's already running towards them. He grabs onto one of their arms and pulls. It's painful, they can feel their joints creaking. Eventually, something gives and Zooble crashes into Kinger.

Looking back, one of Zooble's legs has been ripped out, leaving them with one leg as Kinger pulls them up.

They're forced to hobble on one leg towards the exit. Kinger must notice this, as he slows down and slings a hand over their shoulder, allowing them to put their weight on him. Together they just barely make it past the the arch. A loud popping sound makes them flinch back as confetti shoots out from nowhere. 

They lean up against the hedge next to the arch. Turning their head towards the maze, the centipedes are already running off, seemingly having forgotten about them the moment they crossed over.

"Are you alright?" Kinger asks, standing awkwardly in front of them.

Their head is still spinning, their heart is racing a mile a minute and they're missing a leg. But, they're not currently being chomped on by giant centipedes so all things considered...

"I'm fine." Kinger doesn't look convinced as he moves to stand next to them. They can tell he's trying to make it seem like he's not worried, but he keeps sneaking glances at them when he thinks they won't notice.

They do their best to ignore it, simply focusing on their breathing. It hurts. The others seem to assume it doesn't hurt when their limbs get torn out, but it does. It's not as bad as getting a real limb ripped off, not that they have any experience. But it still hurts, this aching pain left in its absence. 

They push themselves up, or at least they try to, as soon as they get up they tip to the side of their missing leg. 

Kinger catches them before they can fall, steadying them.

"Maybe you should sit down for a minute, it's not like we have anywhere to go." They want to deny it, but Kinger's gentle hands are already pulling them down and they don't have the energy to fight him.

They slump to the floor, Kinger sitting in front of them giving them space but still within arms reach.

His eyes flit across their face, they've never seen his eyes have this much clarity. It's little uncomfortable, like he can see straight through them.

"Does it hurt?" 

No one's ever asked before, they've gotten pretty good at covering it up. Out of all the people to be the one to find out first, Kinger wasn't even someone they considered a possiblity.

"It's manageable." 

"It shouldn't have to be." That's... Not the answer they were expecting. 

"Don't worry about it, not much to do about it anyways." 

There's a fire in his eyes, like he's upset on their behalf. It's kind of sweet, if not a little odd coming from Kinger. It's like he's a whole different person.

"Even so..." The fire dies down, softening back into concern. "Is there anything I could do to help?" 

"Nah, don't worry about it. Unless you've got a spare leg in your pocket." They say it like a joke, but Kinger suddenly looks very serious. He holds his hands out, they begin to glow a soft golden color. Clapping his hands together, their missing leg suddenly pops into existence. 

"What?! Kinger how the f#$@ did you do that? Is that where the ants-"

"Tadaa! Now how do we put this back in..?" 

" Seriously, Kinger what the f#$@!" 

"Is it a ball joint? Do you just shove it back in? Would that hurt?"

"Kinger!?"

He just keeps mumbling to himself.

Okay... Guess they aren't getting an answer then. Fuck it! This place is weird as is, Kinger might as well have weird glowy magic hands.

Huffing, they hold their hand out. "It just snaps together, hand it here I can do it." He obliges, handing them their leg. They line it up with their empty leg socket, and in one quick movement they snap it together. Almost instantly the ache is gone, they let out a sigh of relief.

For a moment, they don't speak. Sitting in comfortable silence as Zooble destresses from the weird day they've had.

"Does that happen often?"

"Hmm?" 

"The, ah, pain? Is it like that every time you lose a piece?" 

They've never had to explain it before, they find themselves stumbling for words. "Well, not always. Popping the ones on my head off don't hurt, but yeah. Legs and arms can be a bit painful." 

He looks contemplative. "You haven't spoken to Caine about this?"

"Of course I have, he just can't do anything about it."

"He can't? I figured he could do just about anything. Can't he just make it so they can't be removed?" 

The idea makes them feel ill, they've considered it but... "I don't want that."

"Why not?" They look at him directly, looking for any sign of malice. They find none, he's genuinely asking.

"I... I haven't found any pieces I like." 

He's silent, they don't expect him to understand. They wait for the inevitable unhelpful solutions.

"Okay." 

"Okay?" Before, in the real world when they had told people they didn't like their body, they always answered with he same response. 'You just need to learn to love yourself!' 'Maybe you just need to exercise more?' 'Have you tired wearing makeup?' A plethora of solutions that never worked.

"I'm not going to pretend to understand, it's clear you're going through something I've never experienced." It's surprisingly nice to hear him admit that. "But... If you ever need it, I'll be here. If you just want to talk, or maybe just need a distraction. I'd be more than glad to help." It's refreshing, to hear someone admit they don't understand but to still care.  "And... even if your body and mind may not align at the moment, that doesn't make you any less than anyone else. You're pretty resilient, Zooble. I have no doubt you'll be okay."

Huh. They didn't know they needed to hear that, guess Kinger really is full of surprises.

"When did you get smart, old man?" 

He snorts, shoving at their shoulder. 

"I'm not that old! 48 is plenty young."

"Whatever you say, gramps." 

Things still don't feel right, they're not sure they ever will. But right now, they feel content to just sit here with a friend.

Chapter Text

Pomni's mind is running a mile a minute. Ever since her and Jax's argument he's been avoiding her like the plague. Every now and then she catches him staring, but as soon as she notices he rips his eyes away.

She tries to initiate conversation, but he either ignores her or drags someone else into the conversation.

After adventures he no longer sticks around, opting to instead hole himself up in his room. She knocks, occasionally. But he never answers.

It's frustrating and makes her want to pull her hair out. She knows he cares, he has to. They were having fun, more fun than she thought was possible in this hell hole.  If he didn't care, then he wouldn't have been so worked up during their argument. She saw the hurt he fruitlessly tried to cover up, how no matter how dirty she played he never fought back. 
So why was he trying so damn hard to pretend it didn't matter? What was he so afraid of?

The whole thing has had her high strung. She tries to quell her nerves by hanging out with the others. She draws with Gangle and Zooble (her drawings look like chicken scratch next to theirs, but she likes to think she's improving). Her and Ragatha play board games, for someone so soft spoken she's surprisingly competitive. 

Sometimes they all gather together and share stories from their real lives. It's bittersweet, remembering what they've left behind.

It does help, hanging out with the others. But today is a particularly bad day for her, all her stresses have been adding up and she's absolutely exhausted. She doesn't want to be alone, but she's too socially drained to hang out with her friends.

Thankfully, there's someone who she feels comfortable with, someone who doesn't expect anything from her.

Kinger is chatting with Zooble, his hands moving animatedly with that distant look in his misshapen eyes. Zooble is surprisingly invested in whatever he's saying.

Those two have had some unspoken thing going ever since that god awful maze adventure they all went on. Ugh, just thinking about it is making her skin crawl, she wasn't afraid of bugs before but she definitely was now.

She shuffles up to them, head hung as she grabs onto Kinger's robe like a lost child. He makes a startled noise, she just hold on tighter, burying her face in the soft fabric. 

By the time she looks up Zooble is gone, and Kinger is looking at her dazed. "Hello, strange girl!" Oh. It's one of those days.

It doesn't happen often, but some days Kinger doesn't know who she is. It hurts but she can hardly blame him. She hasn't been here as long as the others.

Usually she's gentle with him, tries to subtly remind him of who she is. Eventually it comes back to him, he'll excitedly shout her name and ask her where she's been, and who that strange girl he was talking to went.

But today she doesn't have the energy for that. She tugs on his robe and starts dragging him towards his pillow fort.

"Woah! Did Timmy fall down the well?!" She doesn't even have the energy to decipher that. She groans, moving faster she only feels slightly bad when he stumbles.

Circling the pillow fort she tries to find the entrance. One time she tried to enter the fort from the wrong end and the whole thing came crashing down. She had to pull an inconsolable Kinger out from under dozens of pillows. They rebuilt it together, Kinger shouting instructions as she clumsily helped him.  They spent the entire morning working on it.

Ever since then she's been overly careful. Finding the spot that was most stable, she gently pulled apart a few pillows, gesturing for Kinger to follow as she crawled inside.

Once inside, Kinger's pupils dilate and he seems thoroughly entranced as his eyes dart across the inside of the fortress like he's seeing it for the first time.

She sits there patiently, waiting in silence for a few minutes.

Eventually Kinger's eyes snap to hers. "Oh, Pomni! What brings you here, dear?" 

The familiarity is his voice brings her instant relief, practically collapsing in on herself as she scooches close.

They've done this before, and Pomni's learned that even though Kinger is more coherent in the dark, he still has difficulty remembering things. However, even if Kinger doesn't remember things, he can still remember the feelings he has from them. So that moment of closeness in the haunted mansion still remains, even if his recollection of the event is foggy.

For a moment she allows herself to relax in Kinger's comforting presence. She closes her eyes, and imagines they're anywhere else. That her and Kinger and all her friends aren't stuck in this stupid virtual world. She wonders what they look like. Glancing at Kinger, who's sitting patiently beside her with his hands rested on his lap. He catches her gaze with soft eyes and a gentle wave that makes her painfully fond. She thinks he'd look kind.

"Are you feeling alright?" Kinger asks.

"I don't think so..." Her voice is cracked even to her own ears, but Kinger doesn't comment on it. 

"Would you like to talk about it?" She nods, but it takes her a while to gather her thoughts. Kinger doesn't rush her.

"I had an argument with a friend... At least I think they're a friend? I'm honestly not too sure. We were having fun but then they just... I pushed too far, and now they want nothing to do with me." It's childish, but she doesn't mention his name. She notices how the others tense up she mentions, she's not sure if Kinger holds the same sentiments as they do, but she'd rather not risk it.

"Have you tried talking to them about it?" 

"Tried? I've practically begged him! And he just ignores me! I tried giving him space, I thought maybe he'd come to me when he was ready but he never did. It's like no matter what I do he just won't open up." Her speech is rushed, and by the end she's all worked up again. Her frustrated huffs echo throughout the fort.

"He's probably afraid of you." He says it like it's obvious, and maybe it is. She knows he's scared of something. For just a moment, she had seen it in his eyes. Terror, raw and unbridled. But she just can't figure out why.

"Why would he be scared of me?" Pomni asks incredulously.

"Maybe not you exactly, but of what your relationship could mean to him. This place does things to people, it changes them. And usually not for the better." He sounds sad, like he's remembering something upsetting. "He might be pushing you away because he's scared of getting attached, because then he'd have something to lose."

She mulls it over, she hates that it makes sense. Part of her almost wished he just hated her. Because now she can't even be angry with him. She just feels bad for him, she can even understand where he's coming from.

Some days she fears losing her friends, especially Kinger who seems unstable as is. If he were to abstract, she doesn't think she'd be able to handle it. It's cruel, but some days she avoids him. Terrified that today might be the day. She supposes that's what Jax is doing now, to a more extreme degree.

She feels defeated, a pain deep in her chest that she can't quell. "Is there really nothing I can do..?"

"You can't force him to do anything, Jax-" she flinches, it was probably obvious but she's still a bit embarrassed "-is stubborn. Always has been. It's not my story to tell, but he has his reasons for being the way he is." 

"You... Remember what he was like?" She's witnessed some fragmented memories slowly come back to him before. They tend to come to him in bits and pieces, sometimes he'll tell her about them in quite words. It's usually about his wife or occasionally the other circus members. But she's never heard him mention anything about Jax.

"I do. He's always had a mean streak, but it's certainly gotten worse since..." Kinger's eyes glaze over and for a moment she worries she's lost him. But as soon as it comes it's gone. He coughs into his hand, glancing to the side as he regains his composure. "My point is, Jax has his reasons to be as closed off as he is. The only thing you can do is be there when he's ready."

She sighs, she had foolishly hoped there was some magic way to make everything okay. She rests one of her hands over Kinger's, he turns his hand over to gently squeeze hers. 

"He'd be lucky to have a friend like you. If he has any sense, he'll realize that soon." He says encouragingly. She smiles at him, soft in a way she doesn't often do. While she loves all her friends here, Kinger is unique. He's reliable, someone who she can say she trusts wholeheartedly. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but she kind of looks up to him. 

"Thanks, Kinger." She squeezes his hand back before going to stand. She's already pulling apart the pillows when she realizes he's not following. Turning back, she asks "Are you coming?" 

"Would you like me to?" He sounds oddly hesitant. 

When they leave, he'll go back to being crazy... But even still, she likes having him around. She hopes he knows that. 

"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind?" She offers him a hand, and when he accepts she pulls him up. "I think Zooble was going to draw some of the tattoos they had in the real world to show us. Me and Ragatha have a bet on whether or not they had a tramp stamp, my bets on yes."

Kinger chuckles, "You know, I think I had a tattoo." 

"What?! Really? You?"

He laughs, "It was my wife's idea, I believe. She wanted matching tattoos, she was always more adventurous than me. It's actually a pretty funny story-" Pomni listens to him talk the whole way there, even when he loses his train of thought and doesn't finish his story.

Chapter Text

It's nighttime, Jax's least favorite time of day. When it's dark, there's nothing for him to distract his thoughts with. He tries to sleep, but lately most nights he just ends up tossing and turning. 

Tonight is one of those nights. He's given up even trying, just staring up at the ceiling. It's childishly painted with rabbits that faintly glow in the dark. He glares at them, their happy expressions feel mocking. 

He scoffs, turning his head away. He's facing the door when he sees it, through the crack under the door a light passes by. 

Huh. That's something. It might be Ragatha, sometimes she sneaks out to make herself tea. Ragatha is always fun to toy with, and nything is better than just sitting here. With a grin he pushes himself up. 

He sneaks out of his room, creeping down the hallway where he sees the light disappear around a corner. 

Slinking along, he follows behind far enough that he can't quite make her out. She's headed towards... the stage room? That's odd.

He follows along suspiciously, watching as the figure approaches Kinger's pillow fort. They just stand there, long enough that Jax starts to feel uncomfortable, that's definitely not Ragatha.

He approaches, trying to keep his footsteps quite. It's Kinger, he's holding a lantern out in front of him. 

He doesn't react when he gets closer, doesn't even flinch when Jax comes to stand right next to him. His eyes are glazed over, and he's staring at the pillow fort with an indecipherable look. 

"Boo." Kinger startles, yelping and nearly smacking Jax in the face with the lantern. He cackles as Kinger clutches his robe, staring at his with wide shocked eyes.

"Oh boy, you should've seen your face!" He says between wheezes.

"Oh, Jax! You startled me." 

He snorts, "Yeah, I can tell. Careful old man, you might give yourself a heart attack." Kinger just laughs, he never seems to have a reaction to Jax's taunts. It's why he usually doesn't bother talking to him, he's not nearly as fun to mess with. 

He sighs, amusement becoming dull. Kinger has turned back to the fort. Jax stares at it as well, trying to figure out what he sees in it. He tilts his head to the side, he doesn't get it. It's literally just a pillow fort.

"What are you doing up?" Kinger asks, like he's the one out of place. 

"Couldn't sleep." He's not sure what prompts the honest response. Kinger hums in thought. 

"Me neither." They stand in silence for a while. The quiet is deafening, and Kinger's unusually calm presence isnt helping. Thoroughly uncomfortable bored, Jax decides it's time to make his exit.

He stretches before settling his hands behind his head. "Welp, I'll see you around nutjob-"

"You should talk to Pomni."

He halts, Kinger is still looking at the fortress, not sparing him a glance. He's almost convinced he misheard. 

"What are you rambling about now?"

Kinger finally turns to look at him, a startling amount of clarity in his gaze. 

"Pomni. You should talk to her. She's a very good listener, if you'll give her the chance." His voice is full of fondness. Him and Pomni have been oddly close ever since the mansion adventure. Pomni usually doesn't react to him making fun of anyone, herself included, outside of mild annoyance. But she seems almost defensive when it comes to Kinger. It's annoying.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I think I do, you're not accomplishing anything by pushing her away." This isn't fun anymore. He's just pissed, he doesn't need Kinger psychoanalyzing him. 

"I'm not 'pushing her away' we were never friends in the first place. Don't assume s#!t about me, I don't need her. And I certainly don't need you lecturing me."

He clenches his hands into fists, smile completely gone. Kinger meets his glare head on.

"I know you miss them." 

Jax stops, the wind taken out of his sails. His shoulders droop, and he can feel his ears tug down. 

"I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy." He tries to grin, but it's small and pathetic. He turns away, not able to stand Kinger's stare. "What the h#ll do you know? Don't pretend you understand, you don't even know what's going on half the time!"

When Kinger doesn't reply, Jax risks turning to look at him, hoping his glare is more menacing than it is desperate. But any facade of anger he has crashes down, because Kinger isn't looking at him in pity like Ragatha would. He had half expected him to have that empty spaced out look like he usually does, but he doesn't. Instead he's looking at him with what could only be-

Understanding. He supposes it makes sense, what with Kinger being here the longest. But he never imagined he'd actually remember.

The realization is startling. Jax has never had second thoughts about Kinger, he falls into his archetype perfectly. He's crazy, and that's that. He's always been the same, never even a hint at something more complex. So what changed?

It's uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity. It seems like lately, everyone's been changing. Gangle's grown a spine, Zooble has been willingly participating in some adventures, even Ragatha has shown more emotion than just her performative cheerfulness. It's maddening, he doesn't understand why. Everything used to be so simple. 

He turns on his heels and ignores Kinger calling out to him, he rushes out of the room. He's not sure where he's going, just lets his feet take him. He comes to a door, he tugs on the doorknob but it won't turn (it never does). 

He spins around and leans up against the cold wood, letting gravity pull him down. 

His heart is pounding and his vision is blurry. Heavy breathing fills the hallway, he vaguely recognizes it as his own. It's embarrassing, but he can't control his panic. It's like once he starts, he can't stop. He spirals and spirals until it feels like his heart will burst out of his chest.

He curls up, bringing his knees to his chest and holding his arms together. Out of habit, he tries to dig his nails into his forearms, but his stupid cartoon gloves don't let him.

He shuts his eyes, shapes dance behind his eyelids. It's much too bright, much too everything. He registers a static glitching sound, he hopes it's just his mind playing tricks on him. He won't open his eyes to check.

Something lands on his shoulder and he flinches back, curling in on himself. It pulls away, good. He doesn't want it's comfort, he doesn't need it.

Something settles in beside him, he wishes it would just go away. He doesn't want be around anyone (that's not true, he desperately wishes for someone to be there. But they're gone and they're never coming back how could they leave him it's all his fault he should just-)

Someone is humming, a low tune he recognizes. A nostalgia for a life long gone fills him and slowly clears the fog in his brain. 

He snorts, a humorless sound "You still remember that?" Kinger tenses next to him, before relaxing. He seems relieved, Jax doesn't know how to feel about that. 

"Of course, you don't give up information about yourself often." 

It feels like a lifetime ago that he offhandedly mentioned his favorite song, he doesn't even remember how it came up. He figured no one remembered, he didn't think he'd ever hear it again. 

"How do you even know it? You don't exactly seem like the rock type." Jax doesn't know if he means the comment rudely or not, but either way Kinger just laughs. 

"I'm not, I was always more of a fan of the blues. My wife on the other hand..." He trails off, and when Jax risks a glance his eyes have gone cloudy. He doesn't like it.

"...Kinger?" His eyes snap back into focus, he turns to him apologetically. 

"Sorry, what were we talking about?" 

He scoffs, "Nothing, Kinger. Forget about it." He unfurls himself, moving to stand up. Kinger grabs onto his arm before he can stand, he pulls away like his touch burns.

Kinger yanks his hand back, holding it to his chest guiltily. Kinger apologizes, the worst part is that he means it. "Don't go, please. My memory is spotty at the best of times, but... This was important, wasn't it? I want to help." 

"Help...? Help?! There's nothing to help. Just drop it, it doesn't matter. You'll forget about this tomorrow anyways. You think you can save me?! That I'm some sort of charity case? You've never helped anyone else-" Kinger flinches back, his eyes filled with hurt. Suddenly, Jax wants to take it back. Because he recognizes the longing in his eyes, the guilt and the shame. It makes him feel sick, but he can't backtrack now. He needs him gone.

He turns away, waits for Kinger to catch the hint and realize he's not worth saving.

Jax can't bring himself to look at him, stubbornly glaring holes into the floor.

"No." Jax startles, turning to stare at him incredulously. 

"No?"

"No. You don't mean that. You're just trying to push me away." 

He laughs, a little manic and desperate. "Are you kidding me? What, so you suddenly know I feel better than I do? Just leave, I don't f@#$ing want you here!"

"Well tough luck, I'm staying. If you really mean it, you can leave. I won't stop you this time. But I think we both know you don't want to."

He's going to leave, he has to. But... His limbs feel like they're weighed down, he can't bring himself to move. God, this is stupid.

They sit in silence for a while. Eventually, Jax allows himself to relax. He's too tired to put up a front, he just wants to go home.

He almost forgets Kinger is there when he finally speaks up. "My wife... She was amazing, the smartest person I've ever met. She had this charm, people just seemed to gravitate towards her. I guess that included me, some days, I'm not sure who I am without her." He talks about her with past terms, a tinge of sadness tainting his voice.

"...why are you telling me this?"

Kinger turns to look at him, the eye contact is overwhelming but he can't bring himself to look away.

"We entered here together." Oh, oh. 

"She..?" Kinger nods. He's not sure what to say, except for maybe "I'm sorry." Kinger's shocked look would be funny if he wasn't just as surprised.

Kinger's eyes soften, he speaks softly "Thank you. For what it's worth, I'm sorry too." Jax's eyes are watering, he desperately rubs at them. He laughs, but it comes out choked and wet. 

"God, we're so pathetic."

Kinger snorts, "Maybe so. But I don't mind being pathetic with you."

"Sap." He pulls his hands away, wiping them on his overalls. Hesitantly, he asks "Are you going to remember any of this?" Kinger doesn't reply, he justs scootches closer. Jax allows it, and, though he can feel his face burn with embarrassment, leans into his presence. Shoulder to shoulder, Kinger's presence is grounding. For just a moment, he shuts his eyes and allows himself to mourn.

He's glad Kinger didn't answer, he's not sure he would have liked either answer.

Eventually, he pulls away. He tries to cover his embarrassment by turning away, coughing into his hand. It's not a very convincing display, but Kinger doesn't comment.

"You ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you." Kinger nods, smiling with mirth. Small mercies.

Jax stands, stretching out his sore limbs. When Kinger pulls himself up, he hears his legs pop. Jax cackles, "Ha! You really are an old man. How do you even have bad joints in a digital world?" Kinger groans uncomfortably, it only makes him laugh harder.