Chapter Text
“Look! I can see the water already!”
Zoey was practically vibrating in her seat, not-at-all-contained excitement radiating off of her, increasing everyone else’s sense of it just by proximity.
Mira was watching where she pointed every time she did, chuckling softly, primarily just happy to see Zoey so vibrant.
Rumi was excited too, really, but under the surface, she was nauseatingly nervous. It had been years since she’d been to the beach, practically a lifetime ago since her patterns had appeared and Celine had been strict about never letting anyone see it. For as long as she could remember, it had been private pools, and then that too had stopped, hunter training and celebrity obligations consuming her life, leaving her with no time for such trivialities.
The patterns didn’t matter now, but she had gotten so used to hiding that to be exposed felt naked to her, vulnerable, far too open to ridicule and judgement. She had gone to the bathhouse with her girls - actually naked - but this was different. It was public. There would be other eyes that didn’t look at her with the soft understanding that Mira did, or the starry-eyed admiration that Zoey did, all sharp opinions and secretly taken pictures to post and comment vitriol.
They definitely could have afforded to rent the beach for the day; have true privacy for Rumi to ease herself into, but she herself had said she could manage it. And she’d been asked multiple times if she were sure, to which she confidently said that she was each time. They had just settled on renting a beach house for the night, enabling them to take as much advantage of their beach time as possible. Now that the time drew nearer, and she had time to think though-
“Rumi, I can hear you overthinking.” Mira’s voice cut through her spiral, hand gently coming to rest on her knee, grounding her for the moment.
“It’ll be okay. We’ll be right here with you. And if you can’t do it, it’s okay to back down. It’s a big step.”
Rumi looked up into her eyes, trying to relax under her soft gaze. She was right, really. She could back out if she chose to; there was no shame in it, Mira and Zoey wouldn’t make fun of her for it either; but she also really wanted to get past this in herself. So she adamantly insisted again.
“No, I- I’ll do it. If I can be in a bathhouse, completely naked, I can be in a bikini on the beach. It’s fine.”
She nodded as she spoke, trying to convince Mira, and trying to convince herself even more.
Mira just hummed at her, squeezing her knee in reassurance. She didn’t look convinced, but she let it go. Rumi was capable of making her own choices.
No one mentioned that she could have worn a swim shirt or shorts, that she didn’t have to wear a bikini. She was thankful for that, because she just would have insisted that she needed to go all out - really throw herself into the deep end to prove she both could, and that it wouldn’t be such a crawl to the finish line. She had to do this.
She looked down at herself, inspecting everything for the thousandth time, making sure she was in order before they were there - loose, easy to throw off pants, white billowy blouse that she’d stolen from Mira, over her black bikini that hugged her figure ‘way too gorgeously’ as Zoey had put it. But covered up. Everything was still covered, and she was safe for now.
Zoey squealed then, unclicking her seatbelt and pelting herself out the car the moment it stopped, bounding up to the water’s edge, followed closely by Mira. She would have tucked and rolled out of the car while it was still moving if it wouldn’t have been a huge PR disaster and a heart attack for their driver. She turned her face toward the sky, basking in the sunlight. It wasn’t like California, but once it was a beach, she was happy. The sun, the waves, the sand, the breeze rolling off the ocean - it was all home to her, and she couldn’t wait to greedily take it all in.
“Zoey, we have to get our bags into the house first, remember?”, Mira reminded gently, taking in the breeze as well.
Zoey let out a slight huff, hands paused where they had started to strip her shirt off, but nodded grumpily, stomping back to the car, much to Mira’s amusement.
Rumi was just getting out of the car when the others rejoined her, having had to psych herself up again, though this was still the easy part. It all should have been easy, she thought bitterly. Why was it so hard to be out here?
Zoey nudged her, startling Rumi out of the pessimistic mind-frame she was slipping into.
“Let’s get our bags inside, okay? You’ve got this, Rums.”
Rumi softened, smiling at Zoey before she nodded, grabbing two of their bags from the trunk of the car. It wasn’t much to unload, but it was a task she could focus on for the moment. Bags into house, then she’d figure out the rest.
Their bags in the house, they took their cooler with them to set up their spot midway to the water. Mira had insisted on bringing an umbrella as well, that being driven into the sand between their carefully laid out blankets, weighed down by sandals on the corners. Their cooler sat just to the side of Mira’s blanket, full of drinks, popsicles, and a little wad of money in case they wanted to buy anything but didn’t want to trek back to the house. Zoey’s bag sat on the opposite side, by Rumi’s blanket, holding their phones, sunglasses, Mira’s book, and sunblock, which Zoey had insisted on, reminding the others that just because they were under an umbrella didn’t mean they could skip it.
Zoey wasted no time in stripping off her clothes now, sunset coloured bikini top and matching short trunks revealed, itching to feel the sun on her skin without the added layers. Mira followed next, her suit of choice crossing under her neck, covering her chest, straps coming across her stomach, the bottom hugging her hips under her wrap. Zoey would have stared at her had she not been the one to pick it out, practically begging her to wear it because it was perfect.
Rumi didn’t budge though. She stayed seated on her blanket, staring blankly out at the waves, hugging around her knees. The roar of the ocean just seemed to get louder if she made a move to start taking over her blouse, so she stayed there, paralysed, trying to calm the pounding of her heart.
Zoey came over to her, sitting shoulder to shoulder, slightly leaning into Rumi, looking out at the water with her.
“It’s pretty from here, isn’t it? Wanna just ocean and people watch with me for a little while?”
It was more than just a polite offer. It was an excuse for Rumi to escape into if she wanted, able to hide behind the want to just sit with her girls.
She nodded, leaning into Zoey a little more, her anchor in the storm of her mind.
And they sat quietly together, shoulder to shoulder, Rumi eventually loosening one of her hands from her shoulders to hold Zoey’s, fingers laced together comfortably. Mira stayed close by as well, saying she would have preferred to read her book for a while instead of swimming. It was comfortable and safe. Rumi loved her girls for sticking with her, but was slowly growing madder with herself, feeling like she was holding them back from fully enjoying their time here.
She didn’t know how much time had passed in their bubble, but eventually more people started appearing on the sand, heads bobbing in the water, and she could feel Zoey fidgeting next to her, yearning to be out there swimming as well. She took a deep breath, trying to summon the will.
“Zo, why don’t we go swim? It looks-”
“Oh my gosh, Huntrix?!”
A small group had appeared in front of them, awed gasps and whispering starting up quickly as recognition set in.
Rumi shrunk back, whatever start of bravery she summoned fizzling out quickly under the gaze of so many eyes.
“Can we get pictures with you? Wanna come swimming with us? Your suits are so pretty. Rumi what does yours look like? Why haven’t you taken your blouse off yet? DId you get more tattoos?”
A cacophony of questions and statements, it all getting lost as the same roaring of the ocean came back louder in Rumi’s ears, fingers tightening in her blouse, pulling it tighter around her, Zoey’s hand abandoned so she could pull her armour around her. Her breath was coming faster, verging on hyperventilating, eyes staring down at her blanket.
Mira and Zoey worked fast, seeing the signs of a panic attack about to begin in Rumi, trying to both shut it down, and keep the fans from seeing her like that.
Mira got up, stretching, subtly starting to herd the group away.
“Okay guys. We appreciate the enthusiasm, and you know we always love pictures and talking, but you gotta remember, we’re also just people. We want a little ocean time as Zoey, Rumi and Mira, not as Huntrix, y’know? Maybe another time.”
Zoey got a popsicle and a couple cubes of ice from the cooler, swiftly coming back to Rumi’s side, not yet touching her, speaking softly near her ear.
“Rumi, can you see the water? The trees? Look up too, there’s a couple seagulls. And some kids built a sand castle over there. The big rocks by the water.”
This felt familiar.
She looked around, eyes still darting, breath coming in quick bursts, but she saw everything Zoey mentioned.
“What does your blouse feel like? How does the blanket feel under you? What about the breeze?” A pause while Rumi thought about all of the sensations, breathing starting to slow. “Can you give me your hand?”
Her fingers uncurled and came away from her shoulder, offering her shaky hand to Zoey, who put the cube of ice in the centre of her palm.
Cold. Already starting to melt and drip onto the sand.
“There’s music coming from someone’s speaker nearby. Kids laughing. I think there’s an ice cream truck somewhere too, can you hear it, Rumi?”
She nodded slightly. She could.
“What do you smell? Can you tell me?”
She took a deep breath, breathing almost back to normal, heart no longer pounding loudly in her ears.
She could smell the salt on the breeze, and more subtly, she could smell the body spray Zoey wore, lightly citrus-y, not yet drowned out by the strong coconut that sunblock tended to be.
“S-salty ocean. Your body spray.” Rumi managed to stutter out, not meeting Zoey’s eyes. She panic that had been threatening to drown her was now being replaced by a stabbing guilt, shame that she had to be talked down when this was supposed to be a fun trip.
Zoey unwrapped the popsicle, offering it to Rumi.
She took it, bringing it to her lips as her other hand came up to dash tears from her eyes.
Orange and cherry flavour.
Zoey stayed right at her side, quietly waiting for Rumi to speak again when she was ready. No judgement, just gentle support and steady company.
Mira came back, having successfully steered the group away, sitting at Rumi’s other side, just an inch away - space enough that she wasn’t touching and overwhelming her further, but close enough so Rumi would feel her there.
After she finished her popsicle, weighted silence stretching, she spoke, barely above a whisper.
“My favourite flavour of popsicle.”
Mira and Zoey let out quiet breaths they hadn’t realised they were holding, nodding, the ease returning slowly as they sat a while more.
Rumi put her sunblock on after Mira and Zoey did, insisting they should go swim, and that she was fine under the umbrella.
“Someone has to stay here with our stuff, right? You two go ahead.”
They both looked at her, sadness and something else unreadable under it, but nodded, walking hand in hand to the water.
Rumi stayed on her blanket, fingers lightly playing with the cuff of her pants, watching them splash and laugh, Mira at one point picking Zoey up and hurling her further out into the water. By the way Zoey came back and threw herself into Mira’s arms, Rumi guessed she wanted her to do it again.
She laughed bitterly at herself, shaking her head. She could have been out there having fun too. Should have been. But why was it so hard for her to just let go? It was just the beach. She could stare down demons, sword in her hand and nothing else, but being seen at the beach scared her enough to paralyse her. It felt pathetic. She was pathetic. Weak.
“Rumi, look!”
She started, Zoey and Mira dripping water in rivers suddenly back in front of her, stopping her self deprecating spiral.
Zoey held out a smooth, grey rock, noticeably curved in at one side. It sort of looked like-
“Looks like a heart, right?” Zoey finished, planting the rock in Rumi’s hand.
Rumi smiled up at her, turning the rock over in her hands, feeling the dips and curves, the smoothness in other areas.
“She said she was going to find every heart shaped rock on the beach for us because she loves us,” Mira said with an affectionate roll of her eyes, towelling off and sitting under the umbrella again.
“It’s called pebbling. Penguins do it for their nest mates, so I’m going to find all the pretty rocks I can for you two.”
Zoey kneeled, giving Mira a kiss, rubbing her wet hair against the other as she pulled away, earning a playful shove. She then came over to Rumi, offering her a gentle kiss, hand at her cheek, leaving a tiny bit of water there.
“You don’t have to, but I hope you join me on my rock hunt.”
Rumi felt her heart tug, but nodded, offering a weak smile as Zoey looked into her eyes.
Then she was back up, running to the ocean again, ready to get as much swimming in as she could while she collected rocks and shells.
Rumi turned to Mira, now settled on her stomach, book open in front of her.
“You okay?”
Mira faced her, answering with a slight smirk.
“I did actually want to read this book. Don’t worry about me, baby. Zoey’s the real mermaid here. We’ll have to fish her out before she gets too prune-y later.”
Rumi chuckled. Zoey really did seem to be happiest in the water. Maybe she would eventually join her. Her fingers curled into her blouse again.
Eventually.
As time ticked by, Rumi got more and more miserable. Zoey would come from the water, bringing rocks, shells and even a sand dollar, excitedly telling Rumi about them, before she went again, leaving her treasures on Rumi’s blanket. Mira kept reading, occasionally joining Zoey to wrestle around in the water, their joyous laughter drifting back to Rumi on the wind. When she wasn’t in the water or reading, she would nestle up against Rumi, silent, just a comfortable presence beside her. Not pushing, not even reminding, just gently there as Rumi went at her own pace.
When the sky had turned from its gentle blue to the pinks and purples of twilight, Mira stretched, glancing at Rumi.
“I’m going to take a last dip before I haul Zoey out. We’ll go back to the house soon, okay?”
It was half an invitation, half a last call before they packed it up for the day. Where had the hours gone? She was still stuck in her clothes, now plastered to her with a light layer of sweat, both from the heat and something ugly curling in her chest and stomach. Shame. Guilt. Self hatred, if she really dug deep.
She just nodded, offering a half smile of her own, watching the two hunters shriek and chase each other around in the water, splashing and playing like they were the only two people in the world.
Rumi was happy for them, really.
But if she were honest, she was jealous of how easily that sense of joy and freedom came to them.
And if she were even more honest? She slightly resented that they never had to feel the crippling shame and anxiety she did; that they never experienced the trauma of feeling like an imposter in their own bodies, having to hide it to keep anyone from ever seeing what they really were.
She hated herself for how she was mad at them for things out of their, and even her, control.
When they came back to her, soaking wet and mildly shivering in the evening air, she could hardly meet their eyes, trying to keep herself together until they could be in the privacy of the rented house. Where she didn’t have to worry about anyone else seeing her. Where she could hide again.
The air between the three of them grew heavy as they packed up, Rumi quiet and distant as she fell deeper into her self loathing, the excited chattering between the others dying down. She hated that she was dragging down their good moods too.
As soon as everything was together, the younger hunters wrapped in towels, they started back toward the house, Rumi walking ahead, rushing, depositing all she’d been carrying just inside the door before swiftly locking herself in the bathroom.
Safe.
She collapsed against the door, quiet tears dropping onto her slightly sandy pants. Her hands came up to her face, wiping the tears away, but they just kept coming. Silently, endlessly, rivers running from her eyes. Oceans.
She had wasted the day. She said she could do it, and she just sat there all day, watching her friends have a wonderful time while she rotted, stuck to the safety of the blanket, like she said she wouldn’t.
A sob stuck in her throat, threatening to bubble up and alert Zoey and Mira, but she’d spoiled their day enough as it was, so she swallowed it back down, quietly crying about every shortcoming and failure, spiraling in her misery.