Work Text:
September 3rd
TA > Hi everyone, this will be the Groupme for Dr. Pines’ physics I class cohort B. Here’s the intro that was posted if you missed it:
Greetings! My name is Doctor Stanford Pines. You may call me “Doctor Pines,” “Stanford,” or just “Ford” if you would like, and I will try my hardest to remember all of your names. I will be your guide as you explore the wonders of physics!
Physics is the study of matter, energy and motion, but I also find it to be the fascinating study of time. You will learn all about force, energy, time, and a plethora of other thrilling topics. You’ll find it useful to use your time (pun intended!) wisely in this course.
We will hold weekly discussions on the readings from the textbook. A family member has informed me this book is easy to ‘bootleg’ online, which is great news! Please do not spend money on this wretched textbook. I knew the man who wrote it; he was in my first Ph.D. program back in 1976. A rather unpleasant man! Unfortunately, it is still the best text on the subject. If you find a better one, do let me know. I also suggest you bring goggles to the lab, but I am not your boss.
Pressing on: there will be two quizzes per week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, and a lab section from one to three p.m. on Wednesdays, as noted in the syllabus. I cannot control if you attend class, but it is in your best interest to attend the lab as I have many fun experiments planned! I will not dock points for skipping class or the lab, but know I will be disappointed in you, which is worse.
“Fun facts” about myself that I have been encouraged to share for your edification:
- I have twelve P.h.D’s.
- I like jellybeans.
That should be plenty! Now that you know me well, we can have a wonderful semester.
I do hope you will enjoy our voyage through the intrepid seas of knowledge! My office hours are from one p.m. to three p.m. every weekday. Please refrain from “e-mailing” me unless absolutely necessary, or until I figure it out. “Outlook” is a vile program that vexes and bewilders me.
Ad Astra Per Aspera!
Doctor Pines
> i did NOT sign up for an 8 am fuck
> same but it was the only cohort left
> I’m confused by the syllabus. Is attendance mandatory?
> I don’t think so but I’d lowkey feel bad if he was disappointed in me
> oh i literally dgaf about that im skipping
> dude the TA is in this chat
TA > You’re good chase your bliss
> is the syllabus quiz this week or next
TA > Next week
September 4th
> what the fuck i googled our professor and look at these articles that came up
LOCAL HERO SEEN BEING SENTIMENTAL WITH FAMILY AND APPARENT IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER WE WERE PREVIOUSLY UNAWARE OF – Gravity Falls Gossiper
In an dramatic showing of bravery during [REDACTED], Stanford? Stanley? Stan Pines has ended the WeirdmaNEVERMIND ALL THAT
STANFORD PINES LOSES – Gravity Falls News
Following his bid for Mayor of Gravity falls, area shyster Stanford Pines has won the election in a landslide. After a moment of heroism in which he rescued two young children from a deadly scenario that was described by a bystander as a “Looney Tunes ass situation,” he was promptly elected Mayor. Then we were made aware of his extensive criminal record. Following this shocking reveal, Tyler Cutebiker was declared Mayor since he was the only one to fill out his paperwork.
GRIFTER AT LARGE – Gravity Falls News
Stanford Pines, known pug smuggler, has been caught teaching a bear to drive. Once again, he narrowly evaded the authorities. His outstanding warrants for first-degree llamacide and burglebezzling still stand. I don’t know why no one has arrested him.
MURDER HUT OPENS — Gravity Falls Gossiper
Local scientist Stanford “Stan” Pines announces the opening of our town’s latest small business, The Murder Hut. This frightening house of whimsical mysteries and attractions will be open “whenever I feel like it,” says the business owner. Admittance is a steal at $15, but Pines also says he will adjust prices when needed and charge more for “people who look annoying.” This has been your slow news day.
RESEARCH GRANT AWARDED — Backupsmore University Alumni Association Newsletter (Archives)
The Backupsmore University Board of Curators is thrilled (and frankly, surprised) to grant a lump sum of $100,000 to our top student, Stanford Filbrick Pines.
“I don’t know what I’m going to study,” said the Ph.D. candidate. “I’ll probably figure it out.”
Keep your eyes peeled—we finally have someone to add to the notable alumni page! While you’re here: Aardvarks, please sign up for the Laser Tag and ice cream social tomorrow. No one showed up last time and it made me sad.
> WHAT
> MURDER HUT
> are you sure this is our prof????
> GRIFTER???
> THE FUCK DOES HE MEAN ""THE MURDER HUT""
> HELLO
> I don’t know about you guys but I don’t want to learn physics from someone with an “extensive criminal record”
> okay narc
> I’m so curious I’m emailing him
> he said not to email him
> idc i HAVE to know
Subject Line: Quick Question
Dear Dr. Pines,
Hi! I will be in your Physics I class this semester. I hope this isn’t rude to ask, but I couldn’t help googling your name. That’s cool that you got a grant from your college! My aunt went to that school for a year. I also found some stuff that kind of intrigued me, did you… run a small business at one time?
See you tomorrow!
Sky
Subject Line: RE: Quick Question
Salutations, Sky!
I apologize for the delay in response. I had to recruit help in setting up this “email” account. Luckily, I have an in-house computer expert with me!
I also took a moment to “google” my name, and am afraid I must inform you that there are several people named Stanford Pines in this area. Truly, central Oregon has an influx of Stanford Pines-es! While I cannot give details, I did NOT run “The Murder Hut,” nor did I commit those crimes, nor did I ever make a bid for Mayor. Must have been another Stanford Pines! I am sorry to disappoint you.
I DID however receive a sizable grant from my alma mater! I cannot believe your aunt also attended that university—a small world indeed! I cannot say I am too proud of an alumnus, but I did get one wonderful thing out of my university experience. I got a grant as well.
Thank you for bringing this up. I am grateful for the opportunity to clear my name. That other Stanford Pines sounds like quite the piece of work! I have to wonder what he is like.
Best,
Doctor Pines
> oh it isn’t him
> bruh he’s lying he totally did that pug smuggling shit
> Why would there be “an influx of Stanford Pines-es” the hell is he talking about
> WAIT WHAT IF HE’S THE IDENTICAL TWIN FROM THAT OTHER ARTICLE
> ??
> How would that even work
> are you dumb
> wait you’re cooking
TA > Can we please keep this groupme related to class content instead of conspiracy theories about his brother?
> so that is his brother??
TA > What? No. I don’t know Stop
September 5th — First Day of Classes
> Wait he’s cute
> ew dude he’s like 70 years old
> omg old man whose everything is so cute
> Hear me out
> would
TA > As the TA for this class, I am begging everyone to please stay on topic.
> why is he wearing a trench coat and sweater it’s hot as shit outside
> Silver fox
> #Needthat
TA > Stop.
> anyone going out tonight what’s the move
sylly week am i right
TA > I am once again asking you to limit your messages to Physics I related questions
> then explain the physics of how im bouta crush this four loko tonight
> This is a 190 person class groupme
September 10th
> where the hell did he get that gigantic iced coffee is that what he was doing instead of grading our quizzes
> that thing is the size of my head
> yall the sticker says SEVEN shots of espresso and EIGHTEEN caramel
> god forbid a guy lives a little
> guys that caffeine must be having like 0 effect on him i’d be bouncing off the damn walls
> Someone ask where he got it it looks good asf
> Did he just refer to campus as “this dimension”
> what the hell does he mean THIS dimension
> idk im hungover
> I think he was just talking about like the earth in general as a dimension
> are there more dimensions than ours then??
> Maybe?
> im emailing him
Subject Line: Coffee Question
Hi Dr. Pines,
You said something interesting during the lecture that stuck with me. During our classwide debate over the best coffee on campus, you shrugged and said you “haven’t had any halfway decent coffee from this dimension in years.” To put it simply, what?
From,
Quinn
Subject Line: RE: Coffee Question
Quinn,
I’m thrilled that something from the lecture stuck with you, albeit a bit saddened it is from our coffee debate. Either way, thank you for listening!
The world is a large and vast place full of new things to try. I recommend broadening your horizons and sampling coffee from any dimension you find yourself in!
Does this answer your question?
Sincerely,
Doctor Pines
Subject Line: RE: Coffee Question
Dr. Pines,
Not really but thanks!
Quinn
> what the hell does that mean
> It’s probably like a metaphor for life or something I don’t know old people are weird
September 12th
> does anyone have the notes from tuesday? i can’t read dr pines handwriting
> You can't read cursive???
> who can
> Fair
September 18th
Subject Line: Class Tomorrow
Hello, Students!
I apologize profusely for not updating the “Blackboard” page for this course. You must forgive me—my knowledge begins with science and ends with the inner workings of Blackboard! Is this not the least user-friendly program known to mankind? I’ve encountered the likes of incredible technology in my life, and none are more infuriating than this. Why have we moved so far from a simple gradebook? Why have we abandoned pen and paper?
Drat. I’m getting off topic. I apologize—I just like to ramble! Anyway, I have finished your quizzes. Wow! I suggest everyone revisits the syllabus as I am a bit concerned! The grades are posted on-line. In my day, grades used to be publicly posted on the bulletin board outside the lecture hall, but I imagine you all would not enjoy your scores being posted for the likes to see. Unless you would? If you would like these grades to be public, you are free to share your scores with your classmates. Although, I find it a bit superfluous to do so. Let your attitudes speak to the brightness of your minds, not your scores!
What was I saying? Ah, yes, class tomorrow! We are not having it.
While it greatly saddens me to announce this, we will not meet tomorrow. I’m kidding, I am delighted to share that we are taking the day off tomorrow. I do not even have an excuse. I will simply be spending time with my partner and my family, away from my notes and computer. I suggest you all do the same! I know during the stress of higher education it seems rather foolish to take a break—this is a hard-fought lesson I learned only in my sixties! Therefore, I hope you all learn it earlier than I did.
Anyway, to make a long story short, no class tomorrow! Go outside, spend time with a good friend, or read something to exercise your mind. Sleep in if that is up your alley. I’m assuming it is, since our 8 a.m. lecture has been sparse as of late.
Best wishes,
Doctor Pines
> so the scores are in
> Omfg i FAILED that quiz
> “Let your attitudes speak to the brightness of your minds, not your scores!” is this his way of calling us dumbasses
> someone ask him to curve it im literally begging i cannot start with a C
> wtf who grades this hard on a SYLLABUS QUIZ
> he’s “a bit concerned” im crying
> if yall read the syllabus you would’ve passed
> shut up
> just because you’re right does not make you interesting
> this email holy yapper can someone summarize it
> No class tomorrow and we all bombed the syllabus quiz apparently
> lets fucking go
> Wait that email was cute guys :(
> Did anyone notice he sent that last night at 3am
> Hold up do you guys think dr pines is gay
> I don’t think that is appropriate for a class groupme.
> shut up
> why would he be gay
> he said his ‘partner’
> that could be his wife
> Have you MET that guy he does not have a wife
> That’s rude and it’s impolite to speculate. His personal life is not our business.
> If dr pines is gay i’ll actually start going to class
> someone ask him
> DO NOT
September 28th
> How is this at all related to physics
> guys please stop getting him off track i desperately need to pass
> I can’t do another hour of relativity theory someone ask him about spirk
> what the hell is spirk
> You’re about to learn it seems
September 30th
> I overslept and missed lab, did I miss anything important?
> dr pines said the lab guide was “rudimentary and frankly a waste of time” so instead we blew shit up for the full three hours and he talked about aliens so no you didn’t miss anything
> i have GOT to figure out what is wrong with him
> Does anyone have a quizlet for Unit 2
> Guys I thought physics was about gravity and stuff why does he have so much uranium just like in his bag at the ready
> did anyone catch him talking about how he is immune to radiation but we will “probably be fine” ???
> how is he IMMUNE to radiation
> fuck i got radiation poisoning from dr pines physics lab and all i got was this t shirt
> i got radiation poisoning from dr pines physics lab and all i got was an F in his class
> I hope we all get superpowers
October 1st
> I am once again asking if anyone has a quizlet for Unit 2
October 3rd
> guys please I have a D does ANYONE have a quizlet
> fine hoard your quizlets. hell is hot
October 10th
Subject Line: Unit 2 Test Scores
Greetings! The grades from our Unit 2 test have … not been ideal. I am the most sorrowful old man in the multiverse. Not because of you all, but for my own shortcomings as a professor. Please, do let me know where I am failing in communicating the subject matter. I am aware the textbook is boring. I tried to re-read it and promptly fell asleep. I shall write a new textbook for this course within the next few days. Anyway, there will be an open-book retake of the test on Thursday. You will have the opportunity to correct your previous examinations.
That being said, I am begging you all to study up on the difference between dependent and independent variables. Please. I can go over it if needed. Actually, I will go over it.
Ad Aspera Per Aspera,
Doctor PinesP.S. No class October 12th. I will be busy!
> god fucking damnit i got a 7
> What’s it scored out of?
> A HUNDRED
> YOU GOT A SEVEN????
> oh is this not a safe space suddenly
> Sorry I got a 3 and I’m jealous
> I am going to tank his rate my prof page
TA > Do it
October 14th
> guys i emailed dr pines to tell him i cant go to class and this is what he said
Subject Line: RE: Missing Lecture
Vaish,
Do not worry about missing class. Life is strange and rather unpredictable. I once took a thirty year unplanned sabbatical through the multiverse and was absent at several obligations! Therefore, I would be quite the hypocrite if I didn’t accept your reasoning. You will have plenty of time to catch up on the material later. Do let me know if you need an extension on any of the assignments.
Sincerely,
Doctor Pines
Subject Line: RE: Missing Lecture
Dear Doctor Pines,
Thank you! I’ll get the notes from my roommate, but if you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean you had an unplanned sabbatical across the multiverse?
Sincerely,
Vaish
Subject Line: RE: Missing Lecture
Vaish,
Simply making an old man joke there.
All the best to you!
Doctor Pines
> he’s just making an old man joke
> ^^
October 16th
> Did you guys know Dr. Pines is from JERSEY
> his lore is crazy
> That explains so much
October 24th
Subject Line: Zoom?
Hello class.
I have learned of a new technology called “Zoom” which allows me to hold class virtually. I am astounded by this!! I fear I am unable to hold class tomorrow in person, but I want to go over some materials for the midterm. I ask that you all go “zooming” with me on Tuesday at 8am! It should be quite fun! My great-nephew has already (gravely at that) informed me it is a federal crime for me to ask you to turn your cameras on, so I will oblige.
Ad Astra Per Aspera,
Doctor Pines
October 27th
> Is anyone else’s zoom link not working
> wtf is he rich
> i am not taking notes im trying to look at his house tell him to scoot the camera back lol
> is he rich? why is he teaching here then
> CAT IN THE BACKGROUND
> someone tell him to show the cat
> someone ask him to show the HOUSE why the hell is it so fancy schmancy
Zoom Chat
fiddlesticks123456: I still don’t know what an independent variable is can we go back to that
greylikesgreentea : can you show the cat
greylikesgreentea : it’s too late we all saw the cat
greylikesgreentea : please
> You are my hero
> now ask if he’s rich
> on a professor’s salary?? no shot
> he really named that cat Torque Converter
> Do you guys think the old wizard man walking around in the background is the partner? You guys saw that too right. The guy w/ the beard
TA > Focus on the midterm study guide and shut up
October 31st
Subject Line: Happy Halloween!
Dear class,
Attached below is the link to the new textbook I have written. You should find it more intriguing than the previous slop of a textbook you read, or at the very least, I hope.
I am glad to see many of you attended our Zoom session last week! I have seen your curiosity regarding the animals seen in the background of my living room. If you all manage a B average on the midterm, I will bring Torque Converter in for a lecture. She is very friendly.
There is nothing more to this email than to simply wish you all a happy Halloween. I am proactively cancelling class November 1st—not of my own intuition, but because my brother has urged me to “not be that guy.” I do not know what he means. He did not attend college, but I will take his word for it that you all might not be up to listening to me wax on about physics for three hours the morning after a holiday. Oh well! More learning opportunities for me!
Anyway, no class on Tuesday means we must double the knowledge on Wednesday! I simply cannot wait! And please, let me know what you think of the textbook.
Happy Halloween,
Doctor Pines
> “double the knowledge” that shit is a threat
> bruh
> he’s addicted to canceling class
> Have you guys been reading the textbook it’s crazy
> there are fully proven popular theorems in here where he just wrote “IGNORE” and “DUMB” next to it lmfao
> I don’t think the twelve page spread with nothing but photos of Tesla was necessary
> why is so much of this textbook in first person dr pines is writing physics fanfic
> he says “drat” and “DAMN” a lot
> im crying what is this textbook i need ten more copies of this
> everyone pls study i want to meet torque converter
> Why did he write in the margin that String Theory makes him have to “pause and wipe the sweat from his brow” bro keep that to yourself
November 7th
Subject Line: A celebrity attending class!
Dear class,
I am absolutely thrilled to see the grades have skyrocketed since our last examination. Each and every one of you should be proud of yourselves. These improvements are phenomenal! I should have bribed you all much earlier. I will be bringing Torque Converter into class on Tuesday. My partner thinks this will do nothing but go to her head, so do not flatter her too much. Her ego is wide enough.
Pressing on: my TA has informed me that many of you are speculating about my personal life. I am not offended—curiosity is never something to be ashamed of! Here are a few exciting facts about me:
- I collect moths.
- I have a great-niece and great-nephew. They are quite cute! I will not provide photos.
I hope that will tide you all over.
Ad Aspera Per Aspera,
Doctor Pines
> oh sure moth collection he says but won’t tell us about the neck tattoo okay guy
> the what now
> bruh have you not seen it he literally has a neck tattoo
> the fuck
> did anyone else hear him mention that keeps three guns on his person at all times
> did anyone else hear that loud ass metal CLANG when he smacked his forehead on the chalkboard
> hey why is the TA snitching on the groupchat
TA > Sorry I kind of thought he’d have something more interesting to tell you people
November 10th
> What on earth is bro going on about
> i skipped today is there more lore
> Not really he just went on a rant about cryptozoology and how he wants to teach that instead of physics
> damn even he’s tired of this physics shit
> what is cryptozoology
> like anomalies i think cryptids and monsters like the loch ness monster
> he did say the loch ness monster isn’t real tho
> none of those things are real
TA > Anomalies are real also put your phones down
> How would you know
TA > I am one
> what do you mean
TA > I'm not human
> dude you suck
> can we boot the TA from the chat
TA > I grade your quizzes by the way. You failed the last three
> damn
> are you ever in class I have questions and Dr Pines' line is always long @ TA
TA > I’m around. I just look different sometimes.
> ok man
> What the fuck does that even mean
November 17th
Subject Line: Thanksgiving Break
Hello all,
Thanksgiving break is approaching rapidly! While I cannot tell you how to use your break time, I highly recommend refreshing yourself on the material to prepare for the final. For some of you, it will be an invigorating read! For most of you, it will put you to sleep, which is also great.
On that note, no class this week because I will be taking a trip to California. It will be a lengthy road trip, so I will be attempting to make use of this time by grading your labs in the car. You may be wondering, why not take a plane? Unfortunately, I am on the nationwide no fly list—you know how it goes. What a great invention, the gift of aviation! Do not take flying for granted if you are able to do so. In fact, take a trip on my behalf sometime!
I mean not to ramble on in this email, I just cannot stress to you all enough how concerned I am to be in a small space with my twin brother for twelve hours. I did that once for ten months on a boat in fact! It was a miracle we both returned with our heads on. I’m kidding, family is a gift, et cetera et cetera. That being said, if I do not return, it is because I am in jail and my TA will resume the course. Kidding again!
Spend time with your loved ones this break. Exercise your minds!
Best wishes,
Doctor Pines
> what the actual fuck was that email
> NOW he rambles on?? Last week I emailed him asking for the difference between velocity and acceleration and he just said: “Yes” and then “sent from my iphone”
TA > In fairness that is an incredibly stupid question
> HE’S ON THE NO FLY LIST
> this college just really hires anyone
> why did he imply fratricide in his email about cancelling class
> He really said “you know how it goes” about being on the no fly list
December 9th
> will this random paragraph in the textbook about a bird he saw one time be on the final
TA > No idea it’s possible though
December 12th
> i am about to tank this final dude
> does ANYONE have a quizlet
TA > MAKE YOUR OWN FOR ONCE MY GOD
> i’m BUSY
> guys i went to dr pines office hours and there was a raccoon on his desk
> a what
> like a live one?
> yeah it bit him like 4 times he just ignored it and kept talking
TA > That was me
> don’t care shut up and grade my quiz
December 13th
Subject Line: An Urgent Message from Doctor Pines!!!!!!
Dear class,
Torque converter ate your finals. You must return to campus at once and retake the exam!!!
Just kidding, ha! Can you imagine? I can. She is really not that well-behaved of a cat. Anyway, with completion of the final, I wanted to quickly express my gratitude to you all for making my first semester teaching a truly wonderful one. Several events in my life have swayed me away from working, but seeing you all learn the thrills and curiosities of science, and learning from you all in return, has reinvigorated my love for this subject. If some of you go on to pursue science, I will be keeping my eyes peeled for your great achievements! If this class has taught you that you despise physics with every fiber of your being, I am grateful to give you that realization as well.
As for the final—I’m sure you all will be happy with your scores. And if it didn’t go your way, you can always pick yourself up and try again. The world will not end over a poor physics grade, I guarantee it. Keep your minds active, stay curious, stay weird, and be kind!
I will not be teaching a class next semester, or likely the semester after that on account of: I am old. But if you are ever in Gravity Falls, about twenty minutes west of campus, I’ll be around! I can tell you more about physics, thermodynamics, interdimensional public transportation, shapeshifters, the apocalypse, relativity and more. Kidding again. Mostly.
Ad Aspera Per Aspera,
Doctor Pines
RateMyProfessor.com
Instructor Name: Doctor Stanford F. Pines
Courses: Physics I
Would Take Again: 95%
Level of Difficulty: 5
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: B
Textbook: Yes
Comments: this is the weirdest guy i have ever met in my life i think he only owns one outfit and his class is impossible i love him
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: A
Textbook: Yes
Comments: i learned more about weird mushrooms in this class than anything about physics and i still got an A
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: C+
Textbook: Yes
Comments: He doesn't know how to use the internet like at all. It took two weeks to get quizzes graded. Regularly implied that he has traveled dimensions, has a neck tattoo, guzzled coffee like a monster, brightly told us he "keeps a gun on his person at all times" and continued the lecture like nothing happened. he has 6 fingers. he said he has a metal plate in his head and he is banned from flying but being from new jersey was the most frightening lore about him. Nice guy 5 stars
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: No
Grade Received: F
Textbook: No
Comments: cannot read his fucking handwriting
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: D
Textbook: Yes
Comments: one time he taught class laying on the floor for three hours. one time i was late for class because i burnt my bagel and he just sighed and said "bagels are unpredictable" which is true. on an unrelated note he came in one time and part of his face was on fire
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: A
Textbook: Yes
Comments: his cat is cute. brought her in for a lecture one time and after that just played videos of her making biscuits on the projector for two hours. i also think he is a multi-millioniare we saw his house in the background of a zoom one time and that shit was NICE
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: B+
Textbook: Yes
Comments: I think this man is insane
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: I have to
Grade Received: F
Textbook: Yes
Comments: hot
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: No
Grade Received: C
Textbook: Yes
Comments: ok idgaf about dr pines the TA is a dick and implied he isnt human like 6 times
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: B
Textbook: Yes
Comments: this elderly man put me on K/S yaoi
For Credit: Yes
Attendance: Not Mandatory
Would Take Again: Yes
Grade Received: C
Textbook: Yes
Comments: dr pines has the haunted look in his eyes of a neglected hamster