Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

INT. Norm’s Living Room - Day

NORM is sitting on his armchair watching football. BILLY, a weiner dog, is curled up in his lap. He scratches his leg with the weird stick thing, revealing that he has an ankle monitor on. CHLOE cautiously places a can of Gay Beer™ on the end table next to him. (The tagline reads, “Look, it’s a rainbow! Now pay up, you filthy queers!”)

CHLOE (nervous): Hey, dad. I got you some beer. Normal beer. From the kitchen.

Norm doesn’t look up from his football.

NORM: Thanks, Bug.

Chloe goes to sit on the sofa, staring intently at the can of Gay Beer™. Still not looking up, Norm reaches for it. He lifts it to his face, about to open it, when he notices that it is in fact not normal beer, but Gay Beer™. 

He screams in terror, lurching backwards and chucking the beer across the room like it’s a live grenade as he nearly falls off of his chair in an attempt to distance himself from the brightly colored can. Billy leaps up from Norm’s lap and skitters off, frightened.

NORM (betrayed): Chloe! Why did you turn my beer gay?

CHLOE (panicked): I don’t know, I thought if I could like, create a positive association or something, it’d be easier for you to, I dunno, get over your hang-ups!

NORM: Did the school board put you up to this?

CHLOE: Nobody put me up to this! I just- Dad, please, not the school board again!

Norm stands up.

NORM: I’m just trying to protect my daughter from these ridiculous ideas that they’re pushing on kids! 

CHLOE: You told the school board that you would “reassign their genders” while waving a pair of scissors at them because I learned about pronouns in English class, and now you’re under house arrest. How is that protecting me?

NORM: I’m not letting them indoctrinate my kid with these woke G-L-B-T-A-B-C ideologies. I don’t care what the government has to say about it. I remember a time when the first amendment meant something.

Chloe sighs, burying her head in her hands.

CHLOE: I’m not indoctrinated. I just want you to see that-

NORM: I just want you to see that all that gay, trans-gender crap ain’t normal. It’s dangerous, and I don’t want it anywhere near my family.

Chloe stiffens like she’s holding back tears. She inhales sharply, then turns and storms upstairs. 

NORM: Chloe-

The slamming of a door echoes from upstairs. Norm sighs. He walks over to where the Gay Beer™ landed on the floor and picks it up to examine it. His own multicolored reflection stares back at him, and he wrinkles his nose in disgust, holding the can away from his face. There is a knock at the door, and he turns his head, halfheartedly casting the Gay Beer™ onto the end table before going to answer it.

He opens the door to see a GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL standing on the porch next to NONBINARY CHAZ, a pink haired delinquent who is scowling at the ground and looking as though they’d rather be anywhere else.

NORM: What’s all this about?

JANICE enters from the other side of the house, hurrying to greet the visitors. She is met with resounding off-screen applause. There has been no prior suggestion of an off-screen audience, and this will never happen again.

JANICE: Oh, I should’ve told you. I was on the phone with the Corrections Department, and they said that we might be able to work out a deal for conditional parole.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: That’s right! I’m here to discuss a new experimental program with you. If you decide to participate, your house arrest would be lifted.

Janice squeezes Norm’s shoulder with an excited expression, and he shrugs her off. Janice drops her arm, dejected.

NORM (skeptical): And what exactly is this experimental program?

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: It’s called the Let’s All Get Along Program.

Chaz rolls their eyes all the way back into their skull.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (CONT’D): The aim of the program is to help two people with radical beliefs on opposite sides of the spectrum find common ground. You and Chaz here have both broken laws as a result of your viewpoints. (he looks over to Chaz) We want to see if working out your differences will help you become more productive members of society.

Chaz crosses their arms, pointedly looking the opposite direction. Norm narrows his eyes.

NORM: So… what? What are you saying?

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: You will be granted parole on the condition that you and Chaz live together until you are able to reconcile your differences.

An expression of horror crosses Norm’s face. 

NORM: Wait, what? No way I’m letting that in my house!

CHAZ: Hey, I’m not all too thrilled about this either. Do you really think I wanna hang out with a guy whose brains are actively rotting inside his skull?

NORM: Augh!

JANICE: Listen, Norm, sweetie, I know it’s not ideal. But you being under house arrest has been so difficult for all of us. Don’t you want things to finally get back to normal?

Norm hesitates, then scowls at Chaz.

NORM: I don’t know how normal things can get with that around.

Chaz raises an eyebrow at him.

JANICE: It’s only temporary, dear. If all goes well, it probably won’t last more than a week at the very most. I know how much you’ve been wanting to get back to work.

Norm sighs reluctantly.

NORM: Fine. But this’d better not become a long term thing.

CHAZ: Trust me, I can’t wait until this is over with.

JANICE: Look, you’ve already found something to agree on.

Norm huffs, and Chaz hits her with a blank stare. The government official pulls out a clipboard with some paperwork on it.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Alright, I just need you to sign here.

As Norm is dealing with the paperwork, Chloe peers over the bannister to see what all the commotion is about. Chaz looks up and notices her staring. She blushes and gives a shy wave. Chaz glances away, pretending they didn’t see her. She walks down the stairs, reaching the bottom just as Norm is finished signing. 

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Alright, that’s that. Oh, actually, one more thing.

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a small white orb with a black lens in the middle.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: We’re going to need to set this up, so that we can monitor your progress.

NORM: What? You didn’t say anything about setting up cameras!

CHAZ: Well, gee, maybe if you read the contract…

NORM (defensive): I- I skimmed it!

CHLOE: What’s going on?

Norm jumps, startled by Chloe’s sudden presence. 

NORM: Chloe! The government’s making us live with that for a week, it’s ridiculous.

CHLOE: Dad! You can’t talk about people like that.

CHAZ (with shit-eating grin): Actually, “that” is one of my pronouns.

NORM (panicked): What? Has the world lost its damn mind?

Chaz holds back laughter.

JANICE: Uh… Charles… here- 

CHAZ: It’s Chaz. It’s always been Chaz.

JANICE (CONT’D): Right, Chad is going to be staying with us for a little while as part of a new government program. And Norm won’t be under house arrest anymore! Isn’t that great?

Chaz scowls at Janice. Chloe examines Chaz, noticing their dyed hair and pronouns.

CHLOE: They’re staying here?

CHAZ: Yeah, that’s what she just said.

Chloe beams with hopeful excitement, and Norm anxiously watches her approach Chaz.

CHLOE: Wow! Hi! I’m Chloe, it’s so awesome to meet you! I’m so glad you’re  here, it’ll be nice to have an open-minded friend.

She leans in uncomfortably close to Chaz, who leans away from her.

CHLOE (whispering): And just so you know, I’m an ally.

CHAZ (clearly uncomfortable): …Cool.

They slowly back away from her before scurrying off to the other side of the room. Norm, who is becoming increasingly more horrified with Chloe and Chaz’s interaction, decides to step in.

NORM (to Chaz): Hey, stay away from my daughter, got it? I don’t want your woke nonsense rubbing off on her.

Chaz is utterly flabbergasted at the audacity of this man. 

CHAZ: Are you serious? I wasn’t even-! (dry laugh) Listen, I know you’re a bit dense, so let me make this abundantly clear for you: I want everyone in this house to stay as far away from me as possible.

Chloe looks a bit dejected.

NORM: Oh, you think I’m dense? At least I don’t identify as a dog.

CHAZ: Good for you, bud. Me neither. I’m also not afraid of the green M&M.

NORM: It’s not about the green M&M, it’s about what she represents!

JANICE: Okay, why don’t we all try to-

CHAZ (ignoring her, talking to Norm): I bet that your worst fear is a made-up scenario where a racial minority moves in and starts eating peoples’ pets.

NORM: O-ho, you’re saying I’m racist? Well, lemme show you something.

Norm takes out his phone and calls CHARLIE.

CHAZ: Who are you-

NORM: Shh! Hey, Charlie, you free?

CHARLIE: Well, I’m at the trophy shop right now, but I can close early if-

NORM: Great, come over here.

CHARLIE: Now?

NORM: Yeah, it’s important.

CHARLIE: Alright, I’m on my way.

Norm hangs up the phone with a smug look on his face.

CHAZ: Did you… just call your black friend?

NORM: Yeah. Black friend , see? Not racist.

Chaz laughs in disbelief.

JANICE (apprehensive): Honey, are you sure that we need Charlie coming over right now? Shouldn’t we wait until everything is situated?

NORM: C’mon, it’s just Charlie.

JANICE: (defeated sigh) Okay. Well, I’m going to show Champ where the guest room is. Come on, Champ.

CHAZ: Again, not my name.

They begrudgingly follow Janice off-screen.

End of Act One.

Chapter Text

EXT. Norm’s House - Day

Charlie steps out of his car. He’s talking on the phone as he walks up to the porch.

CHARLIE: Well, he’s already halfway through the semester, I don’t think-

(pause)

CHARLIE: No, I mean he. You- I’m not doing this with you right now. (sigh) Listen, I’ve gotta go, can we talk about the custody arrangements later?

(pause)

CHARLIE: Yes, it’s important. Goodbye.

His ex-wife tries to say something else, but he cuts her off before she can start.

CHARLIE: GoodBYE.

He hangs up. Then, he straightens out his Washington Redskins cap using the glass paneling on the door as a mirror before finally knocking. Norm opens it, his face instantly lighting up.

NORM: Charlie! Boy, am I glad to see you. You won’t believe the nonsense I’ve had to put up with today.

Charlie smiles.

CHARLIE: I’m glad to see you too. I’ve missed you over at the trophy shop. When are you coming back?

Norm motions for him to come inside.

I NT. Norm’s Living Room - Day - Continuous

NORM: Pretty soon, actually. That’s the good news.

CHARLIE: The good news? What’s the bad news?

Chaz walks into the room and notices Charlie.

CHAZ: Hey, Norm’s boyfriend, un-tuck your shirt. It’s not doing you any favors.

CHARLIE (embarrassed): Wha- hey!

He glances down at his waistline, then at Norm, then back down before un-tucking his shirt.

NORM: Can you believe it? The government’s making me live with a woke! It keeps calling me racist. Charlie, tell the woke that I’m not racist.

CHARLIE: How could you be racist? You have a black friend.

NORM: That’s what I’m saying!

CHAZ (derogatorily): Wow, you two are perfect for each other.

Janice walks into the room.

JANICE (dismayed): Oh, I see that Charlie’s here. I’m so glad you could make it. You and my husband get along so well.

Norm places a hand over Charlie’s shoulder, and Janice narrows her eyes. Then, she notices Chaz standing nearby.

JANICE (CONT’D): I see you’ve already met Chance.

CHAZ: It’s- you know what, nevermind.

Norm sighs heavily.

NORM: I need a break from all this nonsense.

He plops down into his armchair and turns on some football. Charlie sits down on the seat next to him and notices the Gay Beer™.

CHARLIE: What’s the beer about, did the government make you keep this in your house too?

Norm picks it up from the end table.

NORM (concerned): No, it’s Chloe. She’s been getting involved in all that woke crap. I’m trying to set her back on the right path, but it’s in one ear and out the other with her. 

CHARLIE: Yours too? Yeah, my boy’s also been getting ideas. I swear, it’s everywhere now. Everybody’s some kind of mentally ill.

Norm scowls at the Gay Beer™.

CHAZ: You do know I’m right here?

Chloe starts down the stairs, and stops midway to passively observe the scene unfolding below. Norm turns his attention to Chaz.

NORM (to Chaz): Oh, speaking of. I think this beer’s for you, Pronoun.

He tosses the beer at Chaz, who puts their hands up to stop it from hitting their face. Norm and Charlie laugh. Chaz reaches down to pick up the beer from the floor, looking peeved.

CHAZ: Are you sure? You seem thirsty. Here, let me help you with that.

They shake the can aggressively before taking aim. They pop the tab, and a stream of Gay Beer™ is unleashed upon Norm, who cries out in shock. Once the stream dies down, Chaz tosses the half-empty can onto the floor and storms off to the guest room. Norm stands up, dripping wet with Gay Beer™.

NORM: Are you kidding me? Get back here!

CHLOE: Dad, just leave it.

NORM: Did you see what that thing just did?

Chloe starts walking down the stairs.

CHLOE: Well, you haven’t exactly been the nicest either. You just called them a “thing,” for one.

NORM: Why should I be nice? Pronoun over there is the one trying to push some crazy agenda!

CHLOE: You- (sigh) You know what? I’m not doing this right now.

Chloe walks away, leaving Norm distraught and still soaked with Gay Beer™.

INT. Guest Room - Day

Chaz is sitting against the door, frantically dialing a number into their phone. It rings for a bit before someone picks up.

CHAZ: Yes, hello, this is Chaz. So about the program, I’ve changed my mind. These people are insufferable! You can take me to juvie, whatever, just get me out of here!

PHONE LADY: Sorry, but you can’t opt out of the program once you’ve started. Didn’t you read the contract?

CHAZ (defensive): …I skimmed it!

PHONE LADY: Well, I’m sorry, but you’re here until you complete the program.

CHAZ: Whatever. Kick rocks.

Chaz hangs up the phone and buries their face in their arms, defeated. However, their wallowing is interrupted by a hesitant knock at the door. 

CHAZ (aggressive): What do you want?

The door opens just a crack, and Chaz glances up to see Chloe peering in through the opening.

CHAZ (coldly, but with less hostility): Oh, it’s you.

They stand up and move out of the way of the door, and Chloe walks in. 

CHLOE (awkwardly): Hey.

Chaz stares at her, unsure what to do.

CHLOE: I’m sorry about my dad. He just doesn’t do well with change. Maybe he’ll warm up to you.

CHAZ (unconvinced): You think so?

Chloe glances to the side, unsure.

CHLOE: I guess we’ll see how things go.

There’s a bit of awkward silence, with Chaz seeming anxious for Chloe to leave. Then Billy walks up to Chloe and she picks him up.

CHLOE: Oh! Um, have you met Billy yet?

Chaz leans away.

CHAZ (bluntly): I’m allergic to dogs.

CHLOE: Oh, sorry, I’ll make sure they don’t get too close to you. Oh yeah, Billy’s actually non-binary, fun fact.

CHAZ (“please leave”): Regardless of your dog's gender identity (???), I am still allergic, so Billy should probably leave.

Chaz raises their eyebrows pointedly at Chloe.

CHLOE: Right, sorry.

Chloe puts Billy down and sends them off, but stays standing in the doorway. 

CHLOE: So, um, where are you from?

CHAZ (annoyed): America. Good talking with you.

Chaz starts to close the door on Chloe.

CHLOE: Oh, actually, I was wondering, since you’re already going to be here for a little while, would you maybe wanna hang out sometime? Or, like, talk?

CHAZ: Listen, I’m sorry if you were hoping I’d be your best friend or whatever, but that’s not going to happen. You can leave now.

Chloe looks hurt, but steps back. Chaz closes the door on her, and she trudges away.

INT. Norm’s Living Room - Day

Norm and Charlie are in the living room, watching football. 

CHARLIE: I mean, at least you can come back to the shop now, right?

NORM: Yeah, I guess it’s not all bad. I’ll probably be putting in some extra hours, though. Get away from all the crazy.

Chloe walks in.

NORM: Chloe, you’re back. Where’d you run off to?

CHLOE: I was just with Chaz.

Norm sits up.

NORM: Wait, Pronoun? Why were you with Pronoun?

CHLOE: Gotta go.

Chloe hurries upstairs before Norm can ask any more questions. Norm is fuming.

NORM: Y’know what? No! That little pink haired freak will not be staying in this house any longer, not if I have anything to say about it.

CHARLIE: What’re you gonna do?

NORM: I’m gonna beat the program.

INT. Guest Room - Day

Chaz is furiously writing in a notebook, on a page titled “how to escape INSANE ASYLUM!!” with a list of increasingly elaborate escape plans. They jot down the word “arson?” on the bottom line and put their pen up to their lips, thinking, before shaking their head and scribbling it out. Then, Norm barges in, and Chaz slams their notebook shut.

NORM: Listen up, Pronoun. This needs to end! I want you out of my house. Now! 

CHAZ: And I want you out of my room. But we can’t all get what we want, I suppose.

NORM: You need to keep your agenda away from my family.

CHAZ: Well, lucky for you, I intend to stay far away from your family. Maybe you should make sure they also get the memo.

Norm scowls.

NORM: (begrudging sigh) Listen, I don’t want you here, and you don’t want to be here. But we’re stuck unless we (grumbling) work together.

Chaz laughs.

CHAZ: You? Wanna work together?

NORM: Do you want out of this program or not?

Chaz purses their lips, then sighs in resignation.

CHAZ: What’s your plan?

INT. Living Room - Day

Norm and Chaz are standing in front of the camera. Just behind it, Charlie is standing and holding a stack of papers which are serving as cue cards. He holds it up, nodding towards Chaz.

CHAZ (monotone): Hello, Norm, I have come to talk to you about something. Recently I have realized the error of my woke ways and now would like to find a middle ground.

Charlie flips to the next card, which is in noticeably different handwriting than the previous. Chaz struggles not to grin as Norm begins reading.

NORM (unconvincing): That is great, as I have also realized something. (squinting, increasingly confused) I only called you Pronoun because I was secretly ashamed of the fact that I myself use neopronouns, and they are… Kitten-slash-Kittenself?

He glowers at Chaz, whose head is turned away from the camera in an attempt to hide the fact that they are snickering to themself. Norm storms up to them, furious.

NORM (voice teeming with rage): It’s nice out. We should go for a walk and discuss this.

He motions for Chaz to join him outside of the house, and out of the range of the cameras. Chaz follows him, however reluctantly.

EXT. Suburban Neighborhood - Day

Once they are far enough to be certifiably out of the range of any cameras, Norm stops.

NORM: No way Charlie wrote that. You switched out the cue cards!

CHAZ: Charlie’s version sucked. My script is better.

NORM: Do you want to be stuck doing this program for the rest of your life?

CHAZ: So you guys expect me to act like an idiot for this plan, but you can’t even handle neopronouns?

NORM (seething): I do not use neo-pronouns. I do not use ANY pronouns. I’m NORMAL. 

Chaz rolls their eyes.

NORM (CONT’D): If you keep messing with this plan, we’re going to be stuck with each other forever. Do you want that?

CHAZ: It would’ve worked fine if you kept reading.

Norm grunts in frustration.

NORM: Just quit messing with the script. The sooner we convince them to let us outta this nonsense program, the easier it’ll be for everybody.

Chaz purses their lips, but refrains from arguing back.

CHAZ (resigned): Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.

INT. Living Room - Day

They both get back in front of the camera, trying to hide their frustration as they try again.

NORM (unhappy): Besides the… (grumbling) neopronouns thing… I also think that I have been too harsh, and I think that even if I disagree with wokeness we can still be civil.

CHAZ (reluctant): I agree, and I think that it might be good for me to calm down with the woke stuff in the future and respect other opinions.

NORM (unenthusiastic): Amazing. I am so glad we can see eye to eye.

Chaz gives a sarcastic thumbs up before making a beeline for the guest room. Norm sighs heavily as he plops down into his chair, and Charlie sits down in the chair next to him.

CHARLIE: That went well. For the most part.

NORM: You think it’ll be enough?

Before Charlie can answer, Norm’s phone begins to ring. He puts a finger up to signal to Charlie that he needs to take it, and Charlie raises his eyebrows as Norm picks up the call.

NORM: Hello?

(pause)

NORM (hopeful): Yeah? You really think so?

(pause)

NORM (enthusiastic): Well, that’s great, when do you think-

(pause)

NORM (uh oh): Oh. 

(pause)

NORM (less enthusiastic): Yeah, no, that- that works.

(pause)

NORM (full of dread): Great, we’ll be ready.

Norm hangs up the phone.

CHARLIE: So?

NORM: They want to (air quotes) “evaluate our progress” before they let us leave the program.

CHARLIE: And what does that mean?

NORM: They’re sending someone over tonight.

End of Act Two.

Chapter Text

INT. Norm’s Kitchen - Evening

Janice is rushing to prepare dinner while Norm talks to Chaz, Chloe, and Charlie. Norm glances over to the camera in the living room before speaking, keeping his voice low.

NORM: Listen, we need this dinner to go smoothly. When the guy gets here, we all play nice with each other. No funny business. 

NORM (to Chaz): If this goes well, we never have to see each other again. 

NORM (to everyone): Got it?

Chaz and Charlie nod, and Chaz gives a thumbs up. Chloe stands still, dawning a glum expression.

NORM: Chloe?

CHLOE: Don’t worry. I want this to be over with.

Chaz stares at the floor, an expression of guilt crossing their face.

NORM: Good.

Janice walks up to the rest of the group.

JANICE: Charlie, you should probably get going soon. I doubt that you want to be caught up in this.

CHARLIE: Oh. You sure?

Norm wraps an arm around Charlie’s shoulders.

NORM: Charlie can stay. I need someone to keep me sane.

Charlie chuckles, leaning into Norm’s touch. Janice purses her lips. She looks as though she wants to say something, but the doorbell rings. 

JANICE: That must be him. I’ll go get it.

Janice walks off screen.

NORM: Okay, everyone, best behavior, got it?

Everyone nods. Janice walks in, trailed by the same Government Official from earlier. Norm walks up to greet him.

NORM: Back so soon? Just couldn’t get enough of us, eh?

The Official chuckles.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: I must say, I wasn’t expecting to visit again for a while. You two really blew us all away with how quick your progress was. I mean, it almost seems too good to be true.

Chaz shoots Norm a worried glance and he laughs uncomfortably, trying to hide his panic. 

NORM: Why don’t we all sit down? Janice, honey, would you get the food ready for our guest?

JANICE: Of course, dear.

Norm sits down at the head of the table and Charlie immediately takes the spot next to him. The Official takes the spot opposite Charlie, and Chloe and Chaz become uncomfortable as they realize that the three remaining seats are all right by each other. They reluctantly sit across from each other, avoiding eye contact.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: So, Chaz.

Chaz sits up.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Tell me about what made you change your mind? Your development seemed to come almost out of nowhere.

Chaz shifts around nervously in their seat.

CHAZ: Yeah, um. I just realized that I needed to… calm down, and uh… and really just become more open to other viewpoints. Even if they don’t make sense to me. (under their breath) Or in general. 

Norm shakes his head at Chaz, who raises their eyebrows as if to say, “what do you want from me?”

NORM: You’re right Chaz, I think it’s very important to listen and be cooperative so that we can all get along .

CHAZ (gritting their teeth): Mhm. So important.

The government official nods, expression unreadable.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: I see.

Janice walks in carrying the food and instinctively starts towards the chair next to Norm, but stops when she sees that Charlie is already sitting there. 

NORM: Oh, dinner’s ready! Janice, come sit down with us.

She reluctantly makes her way over to the seat on the other side of the table, placing down the food with a loud clatter before sitting.

JANICE: Good to see that everyone is already settled in.

She glances pointedly at Charlie, who isn’t even paying enough attention to her to notice her passive-aggression. The Government Official follows her line of sight.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Y’know, Norm, it’s interesting to me how much your best friend is a part of the family. I don’t see that very often.

NORM (defensive): What, a guy can’t have friends?

JANICE: Haha, well, he isn’t wrong. You two really are joined at the hip.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Joined at the hip, huh? Sounds like you two are close.

CHARLIE: Yup. Been best friends for over a decade.

NORM: Well, I wouldn’t say we’re that close. We just watch the game together from time to time, y’know? Guy stuff.

Charlie looks over at Norm, betrayed.

NORM: Chaz, you have anything else to add?

Chaz shoots a quick glare at Norm, displeased at being pulled back into the conversation. 

CHAZ: It was just really eye-opening to see how much we have in common despite our political beliefs. Like, I never would’ve thought that Norm also liked Drag Race, y’know?

Chaz fights back a grin as Norm tenses, utterly mortified. The Government Official raises his eyebrows.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Is that so? When did you talk about that?

CHAZ: We went on a walk and chatted for a bit.

NORM (seething): Ironically. I watch it ironically.

Chaz holds back laughter.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Did you also talk more about the “neo-pronouns?” I’m curious about that.

Chloe glances up, having only been halfway paying attention up until that point.

JANICE (deeply confused): What?

Chaz snorts. Norm’s face goes bright red.

CHAZ (very amused): Yeah, Norm goes by Kitten/Kittenself. Kitten told me about it earlier today.

CHLOE (amazed): Wait… really?

Norm’s eye twitches as he trembles with rage until he finally stands up.

NORM (yelling): Y’know what? No! Not really! And I don’t watch Drag Race either! And if you don’t keep this woke nonsense away from my table, I’ll show you who the real kitten is!

CHAZ: What does that even- I thought we were supposed to be respecting other opinions.

NORM: I’m not respecting any of this crap. Get out of my kitchen!

The agent clicks his tongue.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Well, I think you guys still have some work to do. I’m gonna go report back about this, and check back with you in a couple months.

NORM/CHAZ: Months?

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Have a good night.

The Government Official walks off with a little pep in his step, leaving Chaz and Norm in shock. Janice buries her head in her hands.

NORM (to Chaz): This is all your fault.

CHAZ: My fault? You were the one who blew it! 

JANICE (upset): Why couldn’t we just be a normal family for one night?

NORM: I wasn’t the one stirring up trouble. I was being normal. 

JANICE: No, you were being stubborn!

Charlie stands up, unable to bear the awkwardness any longer.

CHARLIE: I… I think I’m gonna head out.

NORM: Wait, Charlie!

JANICE: That’s alright, go ahead.

Charlie hurries out.

NORM (to Janice): What is your problem with Charlie?

Janice sighs heavily.

JANICE: It’s late. I’m going upstairs.

She leaves.

CHAZ (whispering to themself): I can’t believe I’m going to be stuck with these people.

NORM: Hey, I’m the one who’s stuck with you, Pronoun!

Chloe hesitates, but finally decides to speak up.

CHLOE: Dad, stop calling them that. It’s not helping anything, and it’s rude.

Chaz looks over at her, surprised that she’s still trying to defend them. Norm is livid.

NORM (to Chaz): Look, you’re turning my daughter against me. Your rainbow nonsense is going to tear this family apart, I hope you’re happy.

CHAZ: I’m not! How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want anything to do with your family?

Chloe goes quiet and stares down at the table once again. Chaz notices and immediately looks guilty.

NORM: Well, good, because I don’t want my daughter turning out like you.

Chloe sniffles. They both turn to look at her, and realize that she is crying. She stands up, shoving her chair out of the way without much tact before storming up the stairs. Norm and Chaz both stand there, watching helplessly. Norm runs his hands through his thinning hair.

NORM (to Chaz): Thanks for that. I’m going to bed.

Norm walks off. Chaz scoffs, dumbfounded, but they stay put, unsure of what else to do.

INT. Living Room - Night

Chaz is sprawled across the sofa, scrolling on their cell phone. Chloe cautiously begins to make her way down the stairs, but stops when she notices Chaz there. She begins to turn back around, but Chaz has already seen her standing there. They glance up from their phone, apprehensive.

CHAZ: Uh, hey. Are you… how’re you doing?

CHLOE: I’m okay. (awkward laugh) Tonight was a disaster, huh?

CHAZ: Yeah. (pause) I’m sorry, by the way. For how I was acting earlier.

CHLOE: No, it’s alright. You needed space, I get it. I was being kinda pushy.

Chaz shrugs.

CHAZ: Well, still. I guess I could’ve been nicer about it.

Chloe continues walking down the stairs.

CHLOE: How come you’re still up?

CHAZ: I dunno. It’s kinda weird sleeping in someone else’s house.

Chloe sits down on the other end of the sofa.

CHLOE: Yeah, I get that.

CHAZ: Why are you still up?

CHLOE: …I left before eating dinner. I’m, like, so hungry right now.

Chaz reaches into their backpack, which is propped up against the sofa, and tosses her a bag of hot chips.

CHLOE: Oh, thank you! I love these!

Chloe starts absolutely demolishing the chips.

CHLOE (mouth full of chips): Sorry if I was weird today, by the way.

Chaz raises their eyebrows, waiting for Chloe to continue. She forces down her mouthful of chips before speaking again.

CHLOE: I guess when I found out you’d be staying here, I got excited thinking that maybe- um… (pause) I’m bisexual. And I don’t really know anyone who’s, y’know, cool about that sort of thing. But I probably should’ve considered that this whole situation isn’t really great for you.

Chaz nods.

CHAZ: No, yeah, I get it. (pause) Why don’t we start over? I’m probably gonna be here for a while, so… friends?

Chaz offers Chloe their hand and she accepts it, smiling.

CHLOE: Yeah. Friends.

They shake hands, but are broken apart when Billy jumps in between them. Chaz quickly scoots away in an attempt to avoid contact, but Billy decides to make themself comfortable on Chaz’s lap.

CHLOE: Billy, no! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.

CHAZ: It’s fine, just- could you maybe get me some Benadryl or something?

CHLOE: Yeah, for sure. On it.

Chloe rushes off to the medicine cabinet. Chaz tentatively places their hand on Billy’s fur, and a slight smile forms on their face.

End of Act Three.

Chapter Text

INT. Government Office - Night

The Government Official walks in, nodding to a SHADOWY FIGURE sat at a desk surrounded by monitors playing live footage of various different households. The Shadowy Figure does not look away as he begins speaking.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Is the situation all sorted out?

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Yes, sir. I doubt we’ll be experiencing any more setbacks with that family anytime soon. They’re fighting like cats and dogs.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Good. But let’s keep an extra close eye on them. Any more collaborative efforts could jeopardize the entire program.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Of course, sir.

The Government Official turns to leave.

SHADOWY FIGURE: One more thing.

The Government Official stops. The Shadowy Figure swivels his chair to face him, and the dim fluorescent lighting illuminates his face to reveal that he is none other than… ELON MUSK.

ELON MUSK: The gay one and the daughter are starting to get along. Keep monitoring, and put a stop to it if need be.

The Government Official gives a tert nod before leaving the room, and Elon Musk turns back to his monitors.

THE END.