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Dazai claims to be a very composed person. Logic first, feelings after. Always following his brain, his plans, and not letting his emotions take control of the situation, of any situation.
Everything he does is thought without thinking about his feelings nor emotions, Dazai can't risk to make a mistake when the life of people he cares are in his hands.
And he gets it, not a feeling of anxiety, never. Not when he has to put his own life in danger, not when he's face to face with Mori, and a minimal error would be a complete disaster, not when killing and blood are involved.
Not when he wakes up in the middle of the night, alone, sweating cold, waking up from a nightmare.
Dazai doesn't get anxious.
That's why he doesn't understand what has been going on for the last few hours.
Alone in his ADA apartment, all seemed normal to him, so he doesn't have any clue of what is going on with his own body. A body that, mind you, he can normally control entirely without an issue.
Today was his free day - aka, he didn't want to go to work and instead, stayed in his apartment - and spent the entire day lying in his futon, watching whatever nonsense he finds on the internet.
Everything was fine, normal, common.
Until it wasn't
Dazai noticed that his heart was beating faster, stronger, than usual, not in a way he's content about. Trying to slow it down, or even stop it, seems useless, and the more he focuses on it, the harder it gets to breathe, or even to focus on anything else.
His mind is stuck, he wants to focus on the video currently playing on his laptop until this weird status his body is passes, but he can't. Dazai notices that his hands are shacking a bit, his lips tremble, and a type of pressure he isn't familiar with spreads behind his eyes.
Crying is not an option, crying without a motive isn't for him. Dazai Osamu isn't sensible, isn't weak, isn't a crybaby. The -former- demon prodigy doesn't cry.
Repeating those phrases in his mind helps him not to let the tears fall, even if it has the contrary effect on his heartbeat matter.
One step at a time. Divide and conquer.
The video keeps playing, making a background noise that he's starting to hate. It's getting too loud, mixing with the conversations of the people in the streets, and the branches of the tree that hit the windows.
Dazai doesn't have a plan of action, because, thinking logically, nothing is happening. He's safe.
The ADA is safe.
Chuuya is safe, even if they haven't talked a lot these past days. All Dazai's fault, he'll admit, he hasn't been answering the phone lately.
But now, he doesn't feel as safe anymore.
Forcing himself to breath isn't working, the breathing patterns Yosano had forced him, Atsushi and Kyoka to memorize does absolutely nothing. Not great, Dazai thinks.
To make things even worse, his room now feels suffocating. Dazai isn't claustrophobic, but he swears the walls are getting closer, treating to crush him.
He retreats to a corner, sitting with his knees in his face. He feels smaller, and a lot of problems came to mind, but not staying enough time to process a solution, just to make him feel worse.
He digs his nails into his legs. For a moment, the pain calms things down. However, it doesn't last forever. Seconds later, it becomes ineffective, and the pain joins the pile of problems his body is giving him.
That's when his phone rings, with that stupidly loud music he set up just to annoy the agency. It scared Dazai, and his phone being at arm reach, he threw it away, crashing with the wall.
The sound stopped, and Dazai's sure his phone is now broken.
Great.
The pressure of tears in his eyes come back, just by seeing his phone and the state his room is.
Before a tear dares to fall, Dazai stands up and decides to go for a walk. Being surrounded by people makes hiding things easier, and if he hides it enough, the problem will fade eventually.
If not, he knows plenty of river he can try, and knows even more bars, although just the thought of ingesting something makes him want to vomit.
The walk to the park makes his thoughts more bearable, just because now his head starts to hurt, being too overwhelmed by all the new sounds and sunlight. His heart is treating to explode, now creating a physical hole in his body.
Not even an hour later, his legs shakes so much he has to sit down at a lonely bench, trying to compose himself. Some people pass in front of him, unaware of the torment the detective is going through.
Dazai still doesn't understand what has caused this weird situation, why his body decided to betray him this way. He thinks for a moment to ask for help, to the ADA, to Chuuya, anyone.
He remembers his phone is now broken, and that he wouldn't be able or deserves his help, as this is probably a karmic revenge of some short. For all his mistakes, all the people he has killed, for not being able to help Odasaku, for betraying Chuuya, for lie to the ADA.
For existing.
Thinking more about it, - a thought process he shouldn't indulge, but he does anyway, he doesn't care about his well being, people had call him self destructive - he really shouldn't exist. Who's doing good by existing? The ADA doesn't need him, they have Ranpo as the mastermind, and Atsushi isn't a rookie. The ADA doesn't kill, so his most important talents are useless. He is useless.
Being dead would lighten Ango's workload, and the government wouldn't have to worry or control that he doesn't tell any secrets.
Chuuya would be happy, he'll be able to move on from him, finish this strange situation ship they're at. He'll find something healthier. Chuuya, in the end, deserves something better than him.
Dazai Osamu has to die. At that realization, his heartbeat slows down for the first time in all afternoon. Dazai realizes it's already dark.
Everything calms down, now just one thought rounds about his mind. The need to die, to be free already of all this suffering.
And he feels nothing. Not sadness about wanting to die, not happiness about anything. Just the nothingness he's actually familiar with.
Dazai doesn't even feel fear when he notices someone sits at his side.
"You didn't answer my phone call. Actually, your signal stopped working right there"
Oh.
It's Chuuya.
Chuuya's here, and he seems to have been looking for him.
"Did you drop your phone in a fucking River again or what? And that doesn't explain why you haven't been answering any messages for like, a week! If you're gonna disappear, at least warm me. Not that I care what you do with your shitty life, tho"
Dazai's looking at Chuuya, he hears the sound of his voice, his mouth moving, but he can't register what he's saying.
Before he knows it, the tears break the barrier of his eyes. Crying feel pathetic, even more seeing how Chuuya notices.
Chuuya faces changes from disgust and playfulness to concern, and holds Dazai's face with both his hands.
Dazai can guess he's asking what's going on, but he can't hear him, he just can hear his own pathetic whimpers and sobs.
"I think I want to do something stupid. Because I don't know how to make it stop"
Before Dazai processed what he has said, Chuuya is hugging him, hiding his face from the rest of the little people still in the park on his neck.
"It's okay. I'm here. I'm here to stop your stupid ass, all the times you need, even when you don't want too. I'm not loosing you again"
Dazai doesn't cry loudly, the only clue Chuuya has that Dazai's still crying is his neck getting wet, and the prominent tremble in his body that doesn't seem to fade.
He doesn't know what more to say. Dazai doesn't break that easily, Chuuya can count with one hand the times he has seen Dazai cry and visibly upset. Being able to get out of him what made him feel this much feels impossible.
For now, Chuuya needs to take him home, to a safer place.
Both of them start walking in silence after a few minutes. Dazai thinks Chuuya's just taking him to his apartment, it's late and he's sure Chuuya has work tomorrow.
Dealing with a Dazai he can't get anything from is illogical, Dazai believes he should be left alone until he composes himself.
To his surprise, they both arrive to Chuuya's house. Dazai thinks he should annoy Chuuya, to make him reconsider his decision of bringing him here. But no words came out of his mouth when he tries to joke, and Dazai desists from it.
Chuuya sits Dazai in the sofa, leaving him here while he brings some food from the kitchen.
Dazai's left alone in a living room he used to know like the back of head, where he was allowed to spend his days.
Those days finished, and he finds decorations in that living room that marks the pass of time. A time he wasn't here.
He wonders if he'll ever get to know this place so well again, and if Chuuya will allow him to let it feel like home again. He dismisses that thought instantly, Chuuya won't let him interfere that much in his life again, he made that clear a long time ago, and even if he changes his mind, Dazai knows he doesn't deserve it, and he will subconsciously damage their relationship again.
At the end, everything he ever has is always lost.
Chuuya comes back, with what seems to be some instant noodles for both of them.
Dazai isn't hungry, but he doesn't have the strength to fight about this, so he just takes it and eats a bit.
Chuuya starts talking again before they finish their food.
"What happened?"
"I dunno. Nothing"
"You broke down crying in the middle of the park. Doesn't seem 'nothing' to me"
"Nothing happened"
"Fucking shit. Tell me for once, please. What happened? Why where you feeling sad?"
"I wasn't feeling sad. Nothing happened"
"Can you fucking talk to me for once in your life!? I can't help you if you keep lying to me!"
"I'm not lying "
The contrast on their voices is notorious. Dazai's voice is monotonous, without a hint of emotion, as if his breakdown from before never happened. Chuuya has to breathe a few times, trying to calm down.
Getting mad was what Dazai wanted, probably, and if he wanted to help him, he had to be patient. Even if that was something almost impossible with someone like Dazai, who seemed like every short of vulnerability with anyone could kill him
"Osamu. What happened?"
Dazai played with his food for like seemed like hours, but were probably a couple of minutes of complete awkward silence.
"I was… doing nothing, really-" Chuuya was gonna start asking again, but Dazai continued talking "-all was fine… until my pulse went up, and I couldn't breathe… everything was too much, and I couldn't control it. I don't know what happened"
Chuuya smiled softly, and moved Dazai closer to him, maintaining his arm on his back.
"Like… some short of anxiety attack? Or a panic one…"
"I don't do those"
Too much for today, Chuuya thought, he needed to choose his battles. Chuuya could also see how tired Dazai was, seeing how his eyes fought to maintain open.
"Sure mackerel, it's good for now. You should really get some sleep"
Not letting Dazai answer, Chuuya helped him stand up and guided him to his bedroom.
Throwing him some pajamas, that were coincidentally Dazai's size, both of them prepared themselves to sleep without bickering.
Already lying in bed, their bodies unconsciously ended up together. Dazai's head ended up on Chuuya's chest, being able to hear his heartbeat perfectly, and copying it in his own.
Even if Dazai avoided talking tomorrow morning, this was enough for Chuuya.