Chapter Text
“Jeanine is still waiting for you.” My assistant, Andrea, reminds me.
I take a deep breath a nod my head silently. I haven’t seen Jeanine for over a year. My thumb rubs against my left ring finger, the empty place my wedding band used to be. I swallow the lump in my throat and chew on my lower lip. I shouldn’t be this nervous. It’s not unheard of for ex’s to see each other from time to time. I snicker to myself. Of course, not everyone has Jeanine Matthews for their ex-wife either.
“You can show her in.”
Andrea nods and turns on her heels to open my office door. “Ms. Prior will see you now,” I hear her say through the doorway. I take a deep breath and stand behind my desk. My heart beats harder in my chest and the fluorescent light bulbs seem to be brighter than ever before. My hands start to shake and I ball them into fists before forcing them to relax again.
“Thank you Andrea.” God that voice. I don’t even have to open my eyes to know who that voice belongs to. It’s the voice I clung to for years. I know it’s pitch, it’s rhythm and timber. I know what it’s like soft and quiet, or loud and commanding. I know that voice. I know what it’s like to hear it soften, stifle, moan and then break. I’ve missed that voice. My stomach sinks and I take a deep breath, my heart hammers harder in my chest.
“Beatrice.” It’s all I can do to keep my eyes open when Jeanine says my name. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her say my name. It shouldn’t effect me the way it does, but it still makes my knees go weak and my heart skip a beat. The next thing I know, she is standing in front of me.
Jeanine tilts her head slightly, as though she’s giving me a thorough once-over. “It’s been too long.” I can tell she’s trying to gauge my reaction, trying to figure out how this interaction will proceed.
“It’s just Tris now,” I hear myself say.
“Tris,” Jeanine tries out my newly taken name, her eyes never leaving me. “I like that.” She extends her hand to me. I see it for what it is, a formal greeting. But with a history like ours, it feels entirely inadequate. I briefly touch my palm to her’s, unwilling to let too much physical contact occur.
“Please.” I gesture for her to take a seat opposite me. For a second I had considered offering a more comfortable spot in the sitting area, but I want to stay behind my desk. Call it a security blanket, or whatever you want, but I need something to help ground me.
“How can I help you,” I ask, getting straight to the point and trying to not think too much about the familiarity of her features - and how I still have them memorized.
“Oh yes,” she says distractedly.
I grin internally, happy I am not the only one slightly unbalanced by this whole thing. Her blue eyes flash up to mine and I lose my breath for a second. So determined, so confident and knowing. It feels like she can see right through me, just as she did years ago. I chill runs down my spine and I swallow hard.
“Full disclosure, Tris. I had some research done about your past year, so going into this conversation, I do know certain things.” She cracks a smile and I shift uncomfortably in chair. “Nothing dirty though,” she arches her eyebrow and it’s hard not to smile. “...I know about Tobias.” Quick as lightning, her features tighten into a serious expression. “I’m sorry Tris.”
Me too. I think about Tobias, and our time together. He had helped me in Dauntless, stood by my side through the war, and been a good friend up to the end. It came to as a surprise to everyone when he lost his life out on a midnight patrol. Apparently, Tobias had walked into an unexplored field which turned out to be filled with landmines. I shudder at the thought.
“Are you okay,” Jeanine’s voice is soft, soothing, and I close my eyes letting her concern wrap around my heart like an overdue hug.
“Yes.” I take a deep breath and open my eyes. It’s strange to sit across from her like this, strange to have so much common history with her, while as the time went by, we’ve become so estranged. I nod and fold my arms together on the desk in front of me. “You’re at a considerable advantage here Jeanine, seeing as you’ve done your homework and I have no idea what you’ve been up to over the past year.”
“You know I always like to be prepared Bea-Tris.” My jaw tightens, it amazes me that she is so comfortable addressing me like she used to - when she still had the right to. “But you’re right,” she continues and my eyebrow arches in surprise. Me, right? Since when? “I’ve been planning this trip for a while… To be honest,” Jeanine looks down at her hands, “I was kind of nervous about it.”
I release a laugh under my breath. But the longer I sit and look at her, the more I am reminded of the Jeanine I knew years ago. She still carries that confidence, that pompous air, but there is also a quiet side, a part of her that she always kept hidden from prying eyes. She looks exactly the same, apart from the dark circles under her eyes and the long blonde ringlets now framing her face. No greying hairs gracing her temples, no sign of slacking skin anywhere I can see. She’s hardly changed. She’s still as beautiful as the day I met her.
“I wish…” She trails off and looks everywhere except at me. “I wish things could have been different for us.” My heart lurches in my chest at her confession.
“Me too…” I stare down at my desk. “But nothing is simple when so much love is at stake.” The words fall unfiltered from my mouth before I have time to consider what I am saying.
“I know, but at the time, it was the only choice we had, I hope you can see that now.”
“Pshh.” I shake my head. “It wasn’t the only choice. It was just the choice you made.”
Jeanine leans forward in her chair, eyebrows furrowed, eyes intense. “Don’t give me that shit. You know the terms we were faced with. I made the best choice for both of us.”
“Bullshit! You made the choice for both of us. I didn’t even have an option. It wasn’t a matter of ‘best’ or ‘worst’. We could’ve made it work. But instead, you made the choice for both of us. It didn’t matter what my opinion was. You didn’t even ask!”
Jeanine’s eyes burn with a rebuttal. But instead of launching us into a full blown debate, she runs her tongue over her front teeth. I know she is swallowing her words. My cheeks burn with frustration and I chew on the inside of my cheek. The room is silent for a long moment before Jeanine speaks.
“We were right for each other on so many levels, Tris.”
I look up to see her eyes far away, lost in some unseeable place. “Yet here we are, sitting in my office like strangers.” Jeanine may have been the Erudite leader, but when it comes to arguing, I can easily match her - always could.
“I wish it didn’t have to be like that,” she whispers looking back at me, her eyes softer and her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I wish you didn’t feel the need to be so defensive around me.”
“Oh that’s rich, especially coming from the woman who broke through my walls faster and with more intensity than I could have ever dreamed possible.” Flashes of our history play through my mind’s eye - how she held me when I cried, made me laugh and made me smile. How she undid me completely, made me her’s and her’s alone. I shift in my chair, I had done my best to push those thoughts from my mind, but the memories were crystal clear. “I had no choice but to build them back up again after…” I can’t even finish the sentence, the words are like poison on my tongue.
“I couldn’t stay Tris… I wanted to… But I couldn’t. I couldn’t put you through that…”
The sincerity in her voice hurts more than I had expected. I take a deep breath, and lean back in my chair. Part of me does understand. Part of me understands that she thought she was protecting me. And she did protect me, but the cost was far too high. “Are you uh-” I can’t believe I’m asking this , “-seeing someone?”
“No.” Jeanine’s reply is swift and sure. “I haven’t…um…” She shuffles her feet and clears her throat. “I haven’t seen anyone since we…”
My eyes go wide. “No one?”
Jeanine shakes her head. “No... No one could ever begin to compare.”
Her eyes shine with raw sincerity and truth rendering me completely speechless. I sit there for a moment, unable to form a coherent thought. It was things like that, when she would say things like that, it just made me love her more. I rub at my empty left ring finger again. Empty.
“Regrets?” I manage to whisper. In many ways, my story is the same as Jeanine’s, but perhaps for different reasons. After she left, I threw myself into the stabilization and reformation of the new faction system. The crazy whirlwind of life in Chicago had captured my attention. Anytime I found myself thinking about her I pushed that energy into my work.
Jeanine shrugs in reply to my half-hearted question. “I regret that I hurt you. But not that I did what I thought was best to protect you…I should have held you tighter.”
“You never tried to save us.” My voice is half question, half accusation.
Jeanine sighs, “I did… I tired. I tried everything I could think of. Days, weeks passed, I only wanted you. I wanted things to work out between us. It just wasn’t meant to be… There were too many things, too many voices, all shouting their opposition. I couldn’t put you through that. I couldn’t ask you to go through that.”
“I would have.” I reply simply. “You wouldn’t have had to ask.”
Jeanine shifts her feet. “I know. But I thought it would be better this way… Anyway, you have created quite the name for yourself. You have unified the factions, something I was never able to do while I was in power.”
“Yeah…” I look down at my hands then back to Jeanine. “But I would have rather done it with you at my side.”
“I suppose that comes with the territory of breaking up… I would have held you back Tris. Everyone was convinced I had something to do with the bureau and Evelyn’s revolt… It was better this way. You would be free to influence people and state without my reputation getting in the way.”
I notice her eyes are starting to shine with unshed tears and her voice has become raspy. “I suppose so.” I miss the way it felt to hold her hand in mine. When we were together, we were invincible.
“I for one, am very happy to see you are doing so well for yourself Tris… And don’t, not even for a split second, think it didn’t hurt me every bit as much as it did you.”
Goosebumps rise on my skin and I nod my head silently. I watch Jeanine stand from her chair and pull at the end of her blazer. “I believe my time is up. I’ll have to coordinate another appointment with your assistant to discuss the actual meaning of my visit.”
“Oh.” I stand up from behind my desk and notice it is a little past one. “Would you like to join me for lunch,” I ask before I even consider my arrangements, or rather, lack of.
Jeanine turns to look at me her eyes open, vulnerable. “Are you sure? I don’t want to impose.”
“Of course, please.”
“...Okay.”