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It’s been a while since Heeseung has seen Jake like this: carefree.
He was submerged in water, only his head peaking out, observing Jake as he jump into the pool again. He was like a puppy let loose from the leash, free to do whatever and however he pleased and the smile that had refused to leave Jake’s lips ever since they came here is enough proof that Heeseung had succeeded in his mission.
Just earlier that night they were both at a houseparty. It was nothing special, just a bunch of college kids getting drunk the weekend before the new fall semester started. As a senior in college Heeseung has attended enough of these parties to know that they were more or less all the same. People were trying to have a good time to take their minds off of the impending school work, there was lots of alcohol and drugs being passed around, leading to the mood usually being spoiled after around 2am. That was Heeseung’s queue to say his goodbyes and head home for the night.
Since he had arrived with Jake it only felt fair to let him know he was heading home. He started searching the house for his friend and eventually found him outside the balcony of the master bedroom. For a second Heeseung wondered who lived here because this house bordered on being a mansion and it was fancier than the frat houses who usually hosted these events.
However, these thoughts were completely swept off his mind, when he found Jake, arguing with his ex-girlfriend right outside the double screen doors. Unsure if he should intervene or not, he hesitated a moment, thinking he could just shoot the younger a text later, letting him know he had left.
Just when he was thinking about turning on his heel, the doors opened and Alicia walked past him, either completely ignoring him or not even registering his presence in the first place. Heeseung took hesitant steps toward the door, peeking his head out.
“Hey Jake, you okay?” Heeseung asked, a tinge of worry in his voice.
Jake jumped slightly at Heeseung's sudden appearence.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m– I’m okay.” he eventually said, his eyes darting to Heeseung but didn’t stay there for long since he was clearly still worked up about something, struggling to keep focus.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Heeseung stepped out onto the balcony, eyes fixed on Jake.
Jake brushed a hand through his hair.
“I don’t know, I–” he trailed off, “I don’t know what to do anymore, Hee.”
The distress was practically oozing off of the younger boy, the air around him tight, the desperation evident in his voice.
“She keeps flirting with me when she’s drunk but when I confront her about it, she says it’s all in my head and that I have to move on. And I’m starting to think she’s right? Like I know I need to move on, I’ve been trying but it’s not easy when she gets like this sometimes, you know? Telling me I’m the only man she has ever loved or when she keeps saying she wishes things were different…”
It’s been a little less than four months since Jake and his long term girlfriend Alicia broke off their relationship and it has been anything but easy on Jake.
The first week he refused to talk to anybody about it, Heeseung had found out through his and Alicia’s mutual friend Sunoo. Heeseung was slightly taken aback but he would have been lying if he said he hadn’t suspected that things between Jake and Alicia had been rough for quite some time.
It was weird finding out from Sunoo considering Jake was supposed to be one of his best friends. But then again, Heeseung wasn’t sure about anything anymore when it came to Jake.
Ever since Jake and Alicia got serious, Heeseung has barely seen the younger man.
And Heeseung understood, he really did.
Being freshly in love; and for the first time ever too, it can be all consuming, something you want to give your all to. It’s like tunnelvision and all you see is this one person that makes you just so unbelievably happy and you want to make them happy in return, you want to spend every free second you have with that one person; with that feeling.
Heeseung would be a hypocrite if he judged Jake too hard for this. He remembered what it was like when he got his first serious girlfriend, wanting to be around her all the time, the way she had the ability to make him feel on top of the world like no one else could, it was almost addictive.
But with Jake and Alicia, it’s like that honeymoon phase never ended, they were glued to the hip. Heeseung was happy for him, he truly was. He has never seen anybody make Jake glow like that, like the light was streaming out of him.
As time passed, Heeseung was seeing less and less from the younger, the only time they’d meet up was when their friend group gathered for the occasional game night or when they all went out together. And in all these instances Alicia was there too, always one arm wrapped around Jake’s middle.
Heeseung liked Alicia. It was not like they were close friends, but they got along and he didn’t feel awkward having a 1:1 conversation with her. She was actually quite funny and charming, naturally extroverted and even pulling Heeseung out of his shell from time to time.
Her and Jake, it made sense.
And despite it all, Heeseung couldn’t help but miss his friend.
He missed sharing ramen with Jake after a night out, watching anime at his house until dawn, seeing him cheer for him at his volleyball tournaments and sharing new songs they discovered with each other. Heeseung still did; for a while. But all he got in return at some point was a thumbs up reaction with no further comment.
Heeseung had other friends that was not the issue, he wasn't lonely.
The issue was that Heeseung missed Jake specifically.
Friendships didn’t work in the way that you just had an empty seat at the table to be filled with whoever bothers to show up. No, that seat has a name on it, the person’s favourite food dished out and ready for them. The seat just remains empty and cold if the person was absent, the food untouched.
Heeseung eventually felt that absence to the point where the effort of trying hurt more than the simple acceptance that things were not how they used to be.
And eventually Heeseung had made peace with that. He moved about his day and the urge to tell Jake about every single detail about his life that was worth telling someone faded into the back of his head until eventually it was pretty much gone.
Heeseung had resigned to the fact that him and Jake were not close anymore, that they still ate at the same table but their seats were further apart now, that they had the same friend group but that they weren’t considered partners in crime anymore, that they simply said hi to each other when crossing paths at school instead of catching up and making weekend plans.
And despite all that, Heeseung stood at Jake’s doorstep the day he found out about the break up, a take-out bag with two servings of Jake’s favourite food dangling in one hand and a switch with plenty of games to choose from in the other.
And ever since, it was like Jake was reminded of Heeseung’s existence, calling him when he’s bored which was really just a way for him to say that he didn’t want to be alone, hanging out after classes when Heeseung did his assignments and Jake usually tried his hardest to keep Heeseung from doing his assignments.
Yet, it was not the same; Heeseung was not the same and neither was Jake.
There were so many things Jake didn’t yet know about the older because he never got the chance to tell him and Jake… Well, Jake was going through a heartbreak, a pretty rough one at that.
Heeseung tried not to get frustrated at their constant back and forth. It was none of his business how Jake chose to deal with the break up, yet it was always him that was right there to catch Jake when he seemed to be spiraling again.
And he did so gladly, they are friends. They were still friends, right?
Even though nothing about them felt like it used to, even though Jake basically ghosted Heeseung for the full duration of his relationship with Alicia, even though Heeseung could not remember the last time they talked about something that was concerning Jake or what was on his mind.
They were still friends, right?
And still, Heeseung found himself caring deeply for the younger. He can’t remember the last time he saw a genuine smile on his face, the one that makes him light up from within.
“Jake, I think…” Heeseung began but wasn’t sure if his advice would only make things worse.
“No, please tell. I need someone to tell me straight to my face.” Jake said, finally looking at Heeseung, waiting for him to continue.
“I think all you do at this point is hurt each other.”
“Yeah, yeah… I know that too.” Jake said in a resigned tone.
“You know you can’t get over her if you two keep clashing like that.” Heeseung continued, taking a small step closer.
Jake was silent for a moment, his gaze drifting over the neighbourhood, the night quiet except for the music that was still buzzing from the living room.
“I don’t– I just don’t think I know who I am without her anymore and it’s– it’s scary.” Jake confessed, fidgeting with his fingers, avoiding Heeseung’s gaze once again.
“And that’s okay. You have all the time in the world to rediscover yourself. But you and I both know you can’t do that while you cling onto Alicia.”
Heeseung was bad at giving advice; or at least that’s what he always thought about himself. His words made him cringe inwardly, feeling like he was just saying things to say things. It felt inauthentic and forced no matter how much he meant what he was trying to convey.
Heeseung registers the single tear that rolled down Jake’s cheek and he wanted to reach out and wipe it away so badly. He wanted to be able to make Jake feel better, for his efforts to work, for Jake to see that he wasn’t alone, for him to understand that he was going to be okay.
Suddenly a thought struck him.
“Want to get out of here?” Heeseung suggested.
“Yeah, I was about to head home anyway.” Jake sniffed, trying to shrug off the uncomfortable nagging in his chest.
“What if I said I had a better idea?”
Heeseung might not be good with words but he had a knack for reckless ideas at 2am that might or might not end up getting them in trouble.
“Care to elaborate?” Jake asked, intrigue clear in his eyes.
Heeseung took another step closer.
“Do you trust me?” the corner of his mouth twisted up.
“Depends.” Jake responded, hesitant yet curious.
“C’mon, let’s go.” Heeseung said before turning around and making his way back inside without looking back, knowing Jake would eventually follow him.
And that’s how they ended up here, in a backyard that was decidedly not his, in a pool that was ten times the size of his bedroom in the apartment that he shared with his mom.
“You know that’s trespassing, right?” Jake had asked once they stood in front of the garden gate to which Heeseung conveniently knew the passcode.
“What are you doing majoring in architecture? You clearly belong in law.” Heeseung teased him as the gate swung open.
“How did you do that?” Jake asked, slightly impressed.
“Knowing makes you complicit.”
Jake huffed in disbelief, following after Heeseung. His disbelief only grew once he took in the sight before himself: the backyard was huge and attached to an even bigger mansion, three stories high, standing tall in front of him. His eyes scanned the area and instantly landed on the biggest eyecatcher, the pool.
“That’s why you brought me here?” Jake asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yup, thought you could need a distraction.”
Heeseung went around the backyard to the veranda like he owned the place, finding a few buttons next to the closed screen doors and within the blink of an eye the pool lights turned on.
“Your idea of distracting me sure is interesting.” Jake huffed, but he didn’t seem displeased, more so still taken aback.
“Look, you can either keep questioning me and be all suspicious or you could just try and enjoy it, now that we’re already here.” Heeseung lectured him as he walked back down to where Jake was still rooted in place.
Jake glanced at him briefly and then at the huge pool right in front of them.
“Fair enough.”
Heeseung smirked as the complaints seemed to die on Jake’s tongue.
“Are we gonna go in or what?”
Instead of saying anything, Jake reciprocated Heeseung’s smirk and got rid of his shirt in one swift motion, both of them taking long strides towards the pool.
Heeseung was right on his heel, peeling off his shoes and socks, both of them getting progressively more undressed.
Somewhere during all of this Heeseung passed Jake and was standing by the edge of the pool, shooting Jake a wink before letting himself fall in.
The sensation of the water hitting his skin was chilling but not cold enough to make him shiver. He barely registered Jake jumping in right after him as he emerged from the water.
The time it took him to wipe his hair out of his face was enough for Jake to also break the surface. The both of them looked at each other for a moment and then like the thread finally snapped broke out in unrestrained laughter.
And for a short moment, Heeseung felt full. He watched his friend almost toppling over with laughter, his eyes shining, his energy carefree. That’s all Heeseung had wanted, to comfort the younger, to remind him that there are and always will be things to bring him joy, no matter what he might be battling on the inside.
Heeseung might feel out of his comfort zone with words but this is what he was good at, making people forget about their worries for a short while, as if they were both existing in a realm right now where nothing truly mattered.
They spent a lot of time fooling around, wrestling each other in the water, pulling each other under. Only when Heeseung started to tire did he resign to simply watching Jake. He tries to burn the sound of Jake’s laughter into his brain because he almost forgot and right this moment he was reminded how sweet it sounded.
Eventually even Jake started to calm down, joining Heeseung in floating on the surface, their heads right next to each other.
After a while of simply existing side by side, Jake spoke up.
“Thank you, Hee, really. I needed this.”
Heeseung felt a lump forming in his throat, a sudden wave of nostalgia hitting him.
“Do you remember when we were kids and you’d take me to your cousin's house because they had an even bigger pool than this?”
“Yeah, of course I remember! We’d always get annoyed at my little cousins though because they were hoarding all the fun toys.” Jake reminisced.
“And then we’d just bring our own that were way cooler than theirs.”
“I think we were just telling ourselves that to feel better.”
Heeseung laughed at the memory.
“Okay, maybe you have a point.”
There was another silence and the lump in Heeseung’s throat grew.
“I really missed you, you know?” he eventually managed to blurb out, glad he didn’t have to face the younger in their positions.
Another beat of silence.
“I know, I’m really sorry, I missed you too.”
Heeseung could feel Jake glancing over at him, but he pretended he didn’t. He just really hoped Jake couldn’t see the silent tear spilling out of his eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me? About Alicia?”
This wasn’t really about Alicia and Jake knew that too.
“I felt ashamed.” Jake admitted, voice small all of a sudden.
“Ashamed?” Heeseung questioned.
“Yeah. I only truly realized how lonely I was once the realization of the break up hit me. I somehow found myself not being able to contact you or any of my old friends for that matter. I haven’t reached out for so long, it felt wrong to only say something now once I’ve realized how much I’ve neglected you, now that I was all alone and it was all my fault.”
Heeseung wanted to comfort him, tell him it was not his fault, reassure him that he would always be there for him but he felt the words dying on his tongue. Part of him blamed Jake for the fact that they grew apart, so he couldn’t tell him it was fine, no matter how much he wanted to ease his worries.
“I found out I’m bisexual.” Heeseung blurted out instead.
It’s been something that’s been on Heeseung’s mind for a while now. He hadn’t really told anybody about it, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, but deep down he knew he wanted to talk about it and right now with Jake, as they were trying to rekindle their friendship, it just bursted out of him.
“Wait, what?” Jake said in return, sounding surprised.
“Yeah, I kinda hooked up with a guy at an outer state volleyball tournament, no big deal.”
Jake’s baffled silence lasted for a few more seconds.
“What do you mean ‘no big deal’? Heeseung that’s great! I’m happy you figured that out about yourself. Since when do you know?”
“About a year.”
“A year?!”
Jake suddenly shot up from his floating position and looked down at Heeseung.
“Yeah.” Heeseung said sheepishly, also moving to stand since he felt queasy under the younger’s gaze.
“You never said anything!”
It almost sounded accusatory, almost.
“Jake…” Heeseung started, his tone implying what he was going to say.
“And it’s all my fault.” Jake’s face fell at his own admission.
He didn’t know about his best friend figuring out something so huge about himself because he wasn’t there. He had completely shut himself off, the only thing worthy of his attention was his relationship and the fact that he was in love. He wasn’t registering that things around him were changing, that Heeseung was changing.
Heeseung’s silence was confirmation enough.
“Hee, I’m so fucking sorry. I know this is coming super late, but I– fuck, I really messed up, haven’t I?”
“Nothing that isn’t beyond saving.”
And Heeseung meant it. No matter how abandoned he used to feel, no matter the fact that it was mainly Jake’s doing that they grew so far apart, he meant it when he said that.
Because if Heeseung could choose between a life with Jake in it and one without it, he’d always choose the prior without hesitating. He knew now what it was like going through the world without his best friend and even though he managed and the world kept spinning, these last few weeks where he had managed to sneak his way back into Jake’s life – especially today – have once again reminded him of how much light Jake brought to his life.
“There’s something else.” Heeseung started.
“Yeah?” Jake’s gaze was curious.
Something about having the younger's full attention on him made it hard to form proper sentences.
“I think I used to have a crush on a boy in high school.” Heeseung admitted, wanting to share everything about his journey to discovering that he was bisexual. It almost felt liberating to talk about it finally.
“Really?” Jake said, even more curious now.
“Yeah, but I only realized in hindsight.”
“How do you mean?”
“You know, I hooked up with that guy and I liked it. It got me questioning a lot of things about myself and I started wondering if there were any signs also in the past that hinted at me liking boys too and it got me remembering this one incident where I couldn’t figure out why I felt so jealous about not having all of his attention on me. Back then I thought it was because I wanted to be his friend so badly but looking back I’m pretty sure I was into him.”
Heeseung ignored the way his cheeks slightly tinted pink at the vulnerable confession. He had never told anybody.
“Huh, interesting. Who was it?”
You.
“Someone you don’t know.”
Jake furrowed his eyebrows.
“Did he go to the same high school as us?”
Heeseung tried not to panic at the sudden questioning, not wanting to reveal too much.
“Can we drop it?” he said more flustered than anything else.
“Yeah sure, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But it was in high school, right? I’m sure you’re over it by now?”
And that was somehow the issue. He was over it, right? He used to think so. He was so sure it was a thing of the past. But then Heeseung stood at Jake’s doorstep with warm food and games to distract him, Jake started to cling to him like a lifeline, seeking comfort in his presence, Heeseung couldn’t shake the feeling that he wanted to see the younger boy smile no matter the lengths he had to go to achieve that, they went late night swimming together and Heeseung had to pretend he was unaffected by the way Jake’s back muscles flexed under his skin,the water droplets glisten on his chest or how his laugh makes his chest feel tight in more than one way.
Something about them felt different. Ever since they started hanging out again, they were different and at first Heeseung couldn’t figure out what it was. He blamed it on the fact that they haven’t spent time together in so long, that they were both different people now, that he still felt like he was owed an apology for being a mere afterthought for so long.
And maybe some of it was true, maybe a part of Heeseung was silently mad at him for simply accepting him back into his life without acknowledging that they haven’t properly talked in months. Most likely, all of this was true.
Yet, Heeseung couldn’t deny it no matter how much he tried. Things were different because finally he knew why he was jealous of Alicia back then, finally he understood why he wanted to dislike her at first, finally he had the missing puzzle piece to all his unresolved feelings.
“Yeah, it’s in the past but it’s still embarrassing.” Heeseung eventually said, hoping Jake would drop it.
His friend regarded him for another moment before shrugging.
“Hey, I am in no position to demand any answers from you. But thank you for telling me about being bisexual. It means a lot to me that you still feel safe enough with me to share.”
The idea that Jake could ever think Heeseung wouldn’t feel safe with him made him want to pick every single one of his own body hair out, one by one.
“Yeah, of course. I actually haven’t told anybody.”
Heeseung made his way over to the edge of the pool, propping himself up to sit on the concrete edge. Jake followed him, but instead of sitting next to him he remained in the water, his arm folded on the edge of the pool, head resting against them.
“Really? I’m the first one?”
“It’s not like it’s a secret!” Heeseung reassured. “I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, is all.”
“Stop saying it’s not a big deal, like figuring out your sexuality, that’s huge!”
“Well, I don’t want it to be huge. I don’t feel like having a proper coming out or something, it’s just who I am.”
Jake pondered his words for a moment.
“Yeah, I think I get it. At the end of the day it’s no one else’s business anyway. You like who you like, that doesn’t have to be anyone else’s concern.”
Heeseung didn’t know how to say it, but the relief that washed over him at feeling understood was almost like whiplash.
“But still, you told me.” Jake said, a gentle smile on his lips and teasing glint in his eyes.
“Yeah, I’ve told you.” Heeseung said meekly.
“Why’s that?”
Jake heaved himself up to sit next to Heeseung.
Honestly? He wasn’t sure himself. Maybe because he finally wanted to talk to someone about it, maybe because keeping it completely to himself felt almost isolating or maybe it was a spur of the moment decision. But either way, he had told Jake, he had come out to Jake.
“Because… I wanted to.” he settled on.
Jake seemed to accept this answer without complaint or further nagging.
“Good enough reason, I guess.” Jake smiled, leaning back against the palms of his hands.
“So, you like boys?” Jake continued, a hint of smugness in his voice, tilting his head to look at Heeseung.
Heeseung rolled his eyes, a flustered smile on his lips.
“That’s the word on the street.”
“Anybody else since volleyball guy?” Jake asked casually.
“Nope.” Heeseung replied easily enough.
“No?”
Jake sounded almost surprised to which Heeseung just shook his head.
“Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool.”
Jake averted his gaze, regarding the stars again, his fingers tapping the concrete absentmindedly.
“Are we okay again?” he suddenly inquired.
Heeseung knew what he meant and he found his heart feeling lighter when he answered and knew he meant it.
“Yeah, I think so.”
Heeseung turned his head to look at Jake only to find the younger already looking at him. He was smiling, the kind of smile that made his eyes shimmer, the kind of smile that made Heeseung’s every thought pause for a split second.
He found himself smiling too. Maybe he’d eventually get over the small crush he had on his best friend and things could go back to normal; well, as normal as they can get anyway. Maybe one day Heeseung will feel okay with telling Jake who his high school crush was because by then it’ll all be in the past and they’ll be able to laugh about it.
Or maybe Jake would kiss him.
Wait.
Jake is kissing him.
Somewhere between his rambling thoughts Heeseung must have missed how Jake’s gaze kept going back and forth between his eyes and his lips and somewhere in between his daydreaming he must have not realized that the younger was leaning in and somewhere during his dissociation he must have completely ignored the part where Jake had closed the distance between them and kissed him.
The moment Heeseung did realize though he pulled back a mere few millimeter, expression confused and slightly caught off guard.
“Jake… what are you doing?”
“Should I stop?”
The way he said it with so much confidence, like he already knew Heeseung’s answer had his resolve cracking.
Heeseung knew he should abort this while no harm was done. A small innocent kiss, nothing wrong with that? You can blame it on the atmosphere, the way it’s already way past midnight and you know how they say the night turns people into fools? Yeah, he should be smart about this, tell Jake: yes, we should stop.
But did he want to stop?
Even Heeseung has his weak moments – some would say more weak than strong ones but that's a discussion for a different day – which lead to him not always making the smart decision, so instead of telling Jake that: yes, they should definitely stop, he leaned back in.
This time he could tell that he was the one taking the younger by surprise and a small part within him felt smug about it. However, Jake recovered quickly enough and kissed him back with at least the same vigor.
Heeseung felt a hand cupping his cheek as Jake pulled him closer, their kiss deepening, making the breath in his throat hitch. Before he knew what he was doing, he swung one leg over Jake’s thighs, straddling him.
They looked at each other for a moment and when the only thing Heeseung could detect in Jake’s eyes was a mix of what he guessed was reverence and yearning he did not hesitate to chase after his lips once more.
And Heeseung would be lying if he said he didn’t relish in the way Jake’s hands felt on his thighs or how Jake was basically half naked underneath him, ready for his greedy hands to explore.
Heeseung’s tongue swiped against Jake’s bottom lip, his hands holding onto his shoulders for dear life.
It wasn’t until the small moan that spilled from Jake’s lips that Heeseung snapped back into reality.
What in the fuck was happening?
Heeseung pulled away properly this time. Jake finally had the decency to blush because of the noise he just made and clarity washed over Heeseung like a cold ice bucket. He got off of Jake’s lap and for a moment just sat there, his brain trying desperately to catch up.
“Hee, I–” Jake began but Heeseung cut him off.
“I think we should go.”
Without waiting for a response he got up and started collecting his belongings. Jake sat there almost frozen for a good minute longer before he muttered an almost silent “yeah.”
The drive on their bikes back into their neighbourhood was mostly quiet.
Heeseung tried to not make it awkward, but hell why did he care about not making it awkward when it was Jake who had kissed him first?
So many thoughts were shooting through his head, one more deprecating than the last. Did Jake pity him, is that why he did it? Or was it some weird form of allyship? He discarded that one quickly. Or did Jake really try to use Heeseung as some kind of rebound thing? That thought made a sharp pain shoot through his chest, so he tried to put it away into the furthest nook of his mind.
Or was it just a moment of vulnerability? But even then it felt wrong that he kissed him especially since Heeseung had entrusted him with this big part of himself that he still felt somewhat vulnerable about and because Jake was still getting over his ex, no?
When they arrived at Heeseung’s apartment complex, Jake tried to say something.
“Heeseung, please, I–”
“I’m tired. Can we not talk about it right now?” He cut off the younger again.
“But we’ll have to talk about it eventually.” Jake murmured, a quiet desperation in his gaze.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, we can also just forget about it.” Heeseung said, his face barely betraying any of the real emotions he was feeling, which was a mixture of anger, hope and resignation.
“Is this really how you feel?”
Jake on the other hand had his feelings written all over his face and Heeseung was almost taken aback to find genuine hurt there.
“Good night, Jake.” Heeseung said before turning on his heel and unlocking the front door of his apartment complex before he vanished inside.
As soon as the door was closed he slumped down against it, hitting his head repeatedly on the wood.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” he kept repeating to himself.
He didn’t know for how long he sat there and when he eventually decided to take on the climb of the three flights of stairs, everything seemed to happen in a blur. He can’t remember getting to the bathroom to brush his teeth, has no recollection of changing out of his day clothes and changing into his pyjamas and has honest to god no idea what hour he ended up falling asleep.
He was woken up at around 2pm by the door bell ringing.
“Mom, can you get it?” he moaned, still half asleep.
The doorbell rung again.
“For fucks sake.”
He heaved himself out of bed and managed to drag his way to their apartment door. He pressed the little button next to the door and spoke into the microphone.
“Who is it?”
His voice was still groggy from sleep.
“It’s me, Jake, please open up.”
Heeseung froze.
“Please, Hee.”
His pointer finger hovering over the button to open the door. He heaved a heavy sigh and finally pressed down on it. A faint buzz sound was heard from all the way downstairs.
He had already opened the door to his apartment once a slightly out of breath Jake arrived, seemingly having sprinted up the stairs.
As soon as Jake’s eyes landed on Heeseung’s disheveled figure he grew a bit hesitant. He halted a few feet in front of the threshold.
“Can I come in?”
“You’re already here, aren’t you?” Heeseung said, his expression somewhat resigned. Now that Jake's here they might as well talk it out and get it over with.
Heeseung was leaning against the kitchen counter when Jake joined him after he took of his shoes.
“Look, I–”
“I need to–”
They both started at the same time. They both looked at each other for a moment.
Jake was faster the second time, for better or for worse.
“Okay, look. I’ll need you to let me explain and please let me finish before you say anything, okay?”
Jake sounded awfully serious and there was an edge of nervousness to his voice. Heeseung nodded hesitantly.
Jake sighed, collecting his thoughts.
“What happened yesterday, it wasn’t some spur of a moment decision. Well, I mean, I certainly did not plan on kissing you yesterday but what I am trying to say is that it wasn't just a meaningless heat of the moment thing.
“However, I admit it was awful timing and that’s 100% on me. I’m really sorry about that I was an idiot for thinking that was okay to do yesterday. It’s just when you told me you were bisexual it was like some gears in my head shifted and suddenly what I thought impossible became very much possible.”
Heeseung didn’t know what to do with all of this yet, so he let Jake continue. Yet, he couldn't completely surpress the hope starting to blossom in his chest. Jake heaved another sigh, like he’s collecting all his bravery to say the next few sentences.
“The truth is… I think the reason why I’ve been such a fucking mess lately isn’t just because Alicia and I broke up. Big part of it is because you showed up in my life again. I didn’t deserve it, I know I didn’t but when you came over that day, with food and games, like nothing had changed between us, it meant the world to me.”
“Of course you deserved someone to take care of you.” Heeseung couldn’t help but correct the younger.
“Remember, you promised to let me finish, yeah?” Jake reminded him and Heeseung nodded.
“I’m aware I clung onto you more than I probably should have, it wasn’t fair to dump all of that on you especially after how I treated you.”
Heeseung wanted to interfere again, reminding him that they already talked about this and that Heeseung had forgiven him but he bit his tongue.
“But Hee, I’ve never had someone show up for me the way you did. You didn’t ask any question or demand answers right away, you were just there. I seriously wouldn’t have known what to do without you. Did I take advantage of that by avoiding the elephant in the room, yeah, probably. And I am sorry about that. Hee, I have so much still to apologize and I will if you let me.”
Heeseung kept his promise and let Jake go on without further interfering.
“And then, I started to notice things. The way you remembered all these little things about me but not just things considering me. I noticed you. And it was like I’m seeing you for the first time in forever. The way you’re not naturally outgoing but when you commit to going out you just completely let loose and everything that exists is that single moment. When we studied together and I watched you working on your music assignments, I was awestruck by how dedicated you are. I've never in my life felt like that about architecture.”
Jake let out a little disbeliefing scoff, as if he was just in that moment in awe with the older.
“I started thinking ‘maybe if Heeseung can keep going maybe so can I’. I came to watch some of your volleyball games too.”
At this a soft “What?” escaped Heeseung, genuinely unaware.
“Yeah, I didn’t want you to see me, I felt pretentious.” Jake chuckled insecure.
“But watching you so focused on something, so completely dedicated, I– I started feeling things about you I’ve never felt before. I was so fucking confused at first, I didn’t understand any of it. Until you came to sleep over one night, you were exhausted from your exams and volleyball practice that day, so you basically passed out in my bed as soon as you stepped over the threshold and since I craved your company I lied down beside you. And I think it was then that I first felt that pull, to be closer to you– to… kiss you.”
Jake paused there, trying to read Heeseung, get any clue of what he might be thinking.
Heeseung felt like someone had just slapped him across the face repeatedly, the disbelief evident on his face. But not in a bad way, just in a way that was hard for his brain to catch up.
Jake couldn’t help but chuckle softly at the sight.
“With that being said, I don’t think I am fully over Alicia yet and that’s another reason why it was messed up to kiss you yesterday, but… I can’t help but wonder – and I’d literally hate myself if I wouldn’t ask you this – if you could maybe give me a little bit more time and we could see if we could be a thing? You know, as something other than best friends? That is only of course if you feel remotely the same, I don't wanna assume anything–”
Jake took a hesitant step towards Heeseung as he rambled on, to which the older one tensed, making Jake halt in his movement.
“That’s… a lot!” Heeseung said, eyes darting around the floor, eyebrows slightly furrowed, trying to make sense of the situation.
“So, you’re saying you didn’t kiss me yesterday just to kiss someone or because you pity me or as a rebound thing but because you have feelings for me?”
Heeseung couldn’t believe his own words.
“Pity?” Jake said irritatedly, “Hee, I would never pity you. And I can see how you'd think it might be a rebound thing, that's why I am saying, my timing is terrible. But you have to believe me when I say you I care about you and our friendship too much to do that to you, you know that, right?”
Heeseung believed him. He had no other choice simply judging by the way Jake was looking at him, almost like a beat up puppy.
“Your timing really is awful.” Heeseung sighed which made Jake groan in frustration.
“Yeah, I know. Annoying thing about these feelings is that you can’t really just press pause on them and resume the whole thing once everything is sorted out.”
“Fair enough.” Heeseung said, a small smile forming on his face.
“Look, I am really sorry about kissing you yesterday, it was the wrong timing and I should have told you all of this before I made a move. But I don’t regret it.”
“You don’t?”
“I could never regret kissing you.” Jake’s voice was earnest and almost a bit desperate.
“I don’t regret it either.” Heeseung finally admitted after a long pause.
“Oh, thank god.” Jake huffed out in relief which made Heeseung chuckle.
Heeseung regarded Jake for a few more moments. He couldn’t really fault Jake too much for the kiss, now he understood where he was coming from and his confession was the most sincere and up front anybody has ever been with him and he’d be lying if he said his heart wasn’t almost beating out of his chest.
The whole situation with Alicia was unfortunate but somehow they could navigate through that, he simply had no other choice than believing in that. Because he wanted to give this a shot so badly. The way Jake was looking at him, all he wanted was to pull him close and tell him to take as much time as he needed and that he’d be here waiting no matter what.
But he couldn’t make it this easy for the younger.
“Maybe, yeah. Maybe we could see where this goes, once you’re ready, if we both still feel the same by then.”
Heeseung was trying his hardest to conceal the fact that his hands were trembling slightly. The last thing he needed was for Jake to realize how affected he was by all of this.
“I guess that's better than being out right rejected.”
Jake finally dared to take another step closer, closing the distance between them and he was even brave enough to place his hands on Heeseung’s waist. Letting out an exhausted groan, he rested his head against Heeseung’s shoulders.
“Why do feelings have to be so complicated.” he mumbled into his chest.
“Tell me about it.”
Right now, Heeseung didn’t mind that Jake couldn’t see the soft smile on his face, proof enough that he was oh so fond of the younger.
And right then, with Jake in his arms after the younger has spilled his heart out to him, Heeseung finally dared to let himself hope without restraint.
Maybe one day he’d tell Jake about who his high school crush was, but he had a feeling the younger already knew.