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The sound of a gun firing rang in Jason’s ears. He’d killed many people before and had harmed many more. He’d murdered his murderer and threatened to murder his family. That’s all they’d ever been, though. Threats. He’d never actually intended to go through with them. They were things he’d said in anger. They were a way to push his brothers away. They were a way to keep himself safe. Distance was his friend when it came to the bat and his precious birds. He’d thought that if he’d hated them enough, if he’d threatened their lives enough, that they’d leave him alone and then they’d both be safe. Yet, somehow, Dick had gotten under his skin. Somehow, the first boy wonder had made Jason fall in love with him.
Jason had been a mere child when he’d first realized he had a crush on his so called older brother. He’d been a teen when he first stumbled on Dick pinning one of his girlfriends to the manor couch. That’d been the first night he’d wondered what it’d be like to be the one kissing the older bird. He’d dreamt of Dick pinning him to the couch, or the wall, or even the bat cave computer. Then, as he got older, those dreams changed. He’d be the one doing the pinning.
When he’d died and came back, he was so messed up that he knew he’d never have a chance with Dick. Then the charismatic asshole made it his own personal goal to reunite Jason with the family. Jason had pushed him away at first. In fact, he’d found Dick’s almost constant presence annoying, but then he slowly started letting his guard down and his true feelings for the older man once again made themselves known.
Jason had been worried when they’d thought Bruce dead. Not because Bruce was dead, but because he knew Dick well enough to predict what was going to happen. He’d known before Dick had that the first bird would take over running the estate. He’d known that Dick would end up with their youngest brother as a ward and with the weight of the world on his shoulders. The damned guy was just too caring. He was a saint in a world of sinners. He’d take on anything to protect his family and he’d felt that he’d needed to put on the cape and cowl.
Then Bruce came back and shit hit the fan.
Dick had been beyond stressed before Bruce’s reappearance into their lives. He’d transferred to the Gotham police department, worked as the Bat by night, raised Damian, tried to help Alfred with as much chores as possible, managed to create stronger bonds within the Justice League, and had accomplished what Jason had previously thought impossible; he’d gotten the Robins to work together. They’d become a well-oiled team because of him. Then the Bat returned and showed no appreciation for anything that Dick had done.
Bruce had been eager to criticize and reluctant to praise.
“What an asshole,” Jason had remarked after witnessing Bruce berate Dick on the number of non-family members he’d gotten involved in the Batman’s work.
Dick had fixed him with a pointed look and said, “Let it go, Jason. He means well. And maybe he’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t have let things get this far.”
That was just like Dick. He always stood up for family. Even if the family was against him.
For a while, Jason had actually believed that Dick was okay. Until the night Nightwing fell off a building and barely managed to grapple to safety. After that Jason took it upon himself to make sure his former hero was alright.
Then Jason fell even more in love with Dick as he helped the broken bird pick himself up. Just like he’d known it would when he’d come back from the grave, letting his guard down had led to him getting hurt. He’d sliced himself open on the broken pieces that was Dick Grayson’s self-confidence and it triggered the Lazarus effects still within him.
He hadn’t planned for it to go this way. He’d just wanted to leave. He’d thought that if he killed enough rapists and thugs that he’d somehow be purged of his failure to keep his guard up. He’d thought that it’d harden him up enough that Dick’s relationship with Wilson’s daughter wouldn’t hurt as much. It didn’t. It’d only lead to more hurt.
Dick had found him and they’d had a scuffle. He’d been scared and hurt, and he knew he shouldn’t have ever told Dick where all his safe houses were. Maybe then the boy wonder wouldn’t have found him.
He hadn’t been thinking clearly and Dick had pissed him off. One minute he’d been holding his gun, his hand shaking from the onslaught of emotions within him, and then the next he was consumed. He gave in to the pit within him and he’d gone numb…and he’d hurt Dick.
“Roy said you were in trouble. Are you alright?” Dick had asked in such a comforting voice that it’d made Jason feel like a scared animal. He could feel himself sinking further and further away from reality. He knew that his eyes must have been the brightest green by that point. Surly Dick had seen them and known that he was encroaching on dangerous territory.
“You need to leave,” Jason had tried to warn. The hand he’d held his gun with had started shaking violently. The odd part was that he hadn’t even remembered picking the gun up from where it’d fallen during his and Dick’s scuffle with his prisoner.
Dick had done something stupid then. He’d moved even closer to Jason.
Jason had taken a step back with every step Dick had taken forwards. He needed there to be distance between them. He’d been so preoccupied with keeping that distance between them that he’d unintentionally backed himself into a corner. Dick had realize this, of course, and had retreated slightly. Though it really wasn’t much of a retreat. It was more of a gentle sway backwards onto the heels of his feet. He was still much too close for Jason’s comfort.
“Jason, I want to help. Just tell me what’s wrong? What triggered this?”
Had he really not known? Surly the great big bird had to have known how much Jason had loved him and how much it’d hurt him to see Rose Wilson wearing nothing but Grayson’s shirt. If he didn’t, then he was blinder than the rodent their adopted father dressed up as.
“You really don’t want to know, Dickiebird,” Jason had let out an insane cackle.
“I really do.”
The walls were starting to get too close and Jason was finding it hard to breath.
“It was you. You and your girlfriend,” the last word had tasted horrible on Jason’s tongue.
“My girl…” Dick had trailed off and Jason wondered if behind the domino mask there was realization or confusion in his blue eyes. Another tentative step was taken forward as Dick regained his voice, “Jason, Rose isn’t my girlfriend. She just…”
Jason had to fight the childish urge to cover his ears. He didn’t want to hear about what Rose was to Dick or about whatever they’d gotten up to before and after he’d arrived at Dick’s apartment that night. He raised his gun in a last effort to scare off the slightly shorter male. He almost shouted his next words as the barrel of his gun was lined up perfectly with Dick’s left shoulder. He’d hoped that the thought of another bullet piercing through the still tender healing flesh of his shoulder would force Dick back a step. After all, Dick’s shoulder still hadn’t fully healed from the bullet he’d taken roughly a month before and no one would want such a wound reopened by another bullet.
“Get away from me!”
Much to Jason’s relief, Grayson took a step back. “Why?”
Dick shouldn’t have to ask why. Dick should have known why.
“Because,” Jason began to explain as he felt his entire being go numb, “I go numb before I go nuclear and right now I can’t feel a thing.”
Dick had opened his mouth to respond but what came out of it was a scream as Jason’s finger pulled the trigger.
The sound of that gunshot still rang in his head late at night, the sight of the blood that’d soaked the Nightwing costume still haunted him in his sleep, and the guilt of not taking Dick back to the manor himself clung to his every thought.
Dick had gone into shock after Jason had shot him. The older boy had stared up at him with a mix of fear and hurt behind his mask. Jason had merely pushed Dick onto his back and pressed a button on the NIghtwing gauntlet that would notify the cave that its wearer was in need of assistance.
Bruce and Alfred had taught Jason enough medical treatment that he knew that Dick would be fine as long as he kept pressure on the wound. Help would arrive shortly and the pressure would stabilize him long enough for them to find him. So Jason had unfeelingly approached his passed out prisoner and taken the dirty gag out of his mouth. He shoved the ripped cloth against Dick’s fresh wound and placed the younger man’s hand on it to hold it in place.
Jason was on auto pilot. He didn’t feel a thing as he stared down at Dick’s face, twisted in pain. Nor did he feel an ounce of guilt as he stood to leave, shooting his useless prisoner in the head as he walked by. The Bat and one of his birds would be there soon.
“Jay,” Dick’s weak voice had called out as Jason went to leave the mostly empty room, “Don’t go.”
“Fuck you,” Jason had responded.
That had been two months ago and Jason had been hiding out in Star City since then. He couldn’t go back to Gotham. Roy had phoned him multiple times to tell him how the Batman and Robin had taken to patrolling the Bowery and Crime Alley with a renewed passion. Red Robin had stopped by his and Roy’s shared apartment more than a couple times. He always asked for Jason and Roy always told him that he didn’t know where the other Red was. Jason doubted that Tim believed him. The boy was much too smart to think that Jason hadn’t told Roy where he was going, but Roy would cover for him even if it lead him to the grave.
After that night those two months ago, Jason hadn’t felt anything for a week. He’d been completely numb and his memories of that week were blurred. Only on the second week did the guilt start to set in. He hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours a night since then. Even then, the sleep he got was only because of the sleeping pills he’d begun to take.
He’d found a job working at a small mechanic shop in Star City’s lower class district and managed to obtain a one room apartment. Of course he hadn’t used his real name. Legally, Jason Todd was dead and he’d been unable to use any of his former aliases in fear that the Bat would use them to track him. He’d used his contacts to set up a new identity for himself as Peter Robinson.
He’d work in the garage by day and watch the news by night. His fridge was kept stocked with beer and the local pizza shop knew his order by heart. As did the sketchy Chinese take-out place two blocks away from his apartment. As he ate his take-out or munched on his pizza he’d scan the news for anything bat or bird related. Sometimes he’d even hear something about Wayne enterprises.
The first few weeks he’d known that all he’d hear about Nightwing was people questioning where he was. Bats wouldn’t let Nightwing patrol if his shoulder was as screwed up as Jason thought it was. Yet, by the second month he’d thought the blue bird would have gotten himself back on the patrol roster.
As the third moth rolled around, there was still no mention of Nightwing. He’d even done a few google searches to find out why. He’d had better luck with the internet than he did with the news and had found out that Nightwing had been spotted doing some petty vigilante work. It was nothing too extensive though and there were only a hand full of recent cases. It made Jason wonder if he hadn’t injured Dick more than he thought he did. That thought only fueled his guilt and lead to him throwing his laptop out the window of his apartment. After that he took to spending his nights at the bar instead of in front of the television.
It was four months until anyone in the bat family found him and he wasn’t convinced that it was by accident.
It was nearing noon and he’d been working under an old blue truck when he’d heard two sets of footsteps enter the garage.
“We can’t tell for sure what’s wrong unless you bring your car in. I have a tow truck and we can go pick it up this afternoon,” Jason’s boss was telling a costumer.
“Like I said, I know what’s wrong,” a very familiar voice ground out and caused Jason to pause in his work. “If you can just order me the part I asked for, I can do all the labor myself.”
The shop’s owner chuckled. “What’s a pretty boy like you know about fixing a car?”
“I’ll have you know that I have a degree in engineering and business. I’ve been fixing things much more complex than my car’s brakes since I was ten.”
Jason fought back a smirk. If only his boss knew the kind of things the pretty boy had really fixed. Bat vehicles, computer systems, security systems…the boy was a genius and he’d modified his tablet so it was basically a universal remote for the world.
The shop owner grunted. “I don’t like your attitude, boy. You best find a different shop.”
“I don’t know where any other shop is. I’m not from here. It’s lucky I even found this place.”
Jason snorted. Baby bird had probably already done research on every mechanic shop in Star City. His brakes were probably in perfect condition. He had no reason to even be in the lower class district. Which could only mean one thing, Red Robin had found him.
Jason could play this situation two ways. He could stay hidden under the truck until his younger brother left, which would most likely result to him going home that night and finding Red Robin on his couch, or he could make his presence known and get the confrontation over with.
Making up his mind, Jason said, “Fuck it,” and pushed himself out from under the truck.
“I’ll take care of this one, boss,” Jason spoke to the shop owner as he wiped his grease stained hands on a red mechanic’s cloth.
Tim hadn’t even bothered to pretend to be shocked at seeing his older brother. Instead, he’d folded his arms and said in a clipped tone, “I hope you’re more competent then he is,” and nodded towards the shop owner.
Jason had raised a brow. Tim’s words reminded him more of Damian than the baby bird he knew. Either Tim was putting on a persona for the shop owner or he was genuinely, royally pissed off.
The shop owner stomped away unamused and Jason waited until he was sure the man was in his office to say anything.
“What the hell are you doing here, Timmy,” Jason ground out.
“Trying to get replacement brakes,” Tim blinked too innocently.
“Bullshit!” Jason all but yelled and was slightly irritated when he didn’t get a reaction from his younger brother. “Why the hell did you come after me?”
“You think I came here for you?” Tim blinked again. “I’m here for a charity event. The Wayne foundation is making a donation to Sister Mary’s Orphanage and I’m the spokesman. The board thought it would be good press if one of Bruce’s orphaned wards was the one to present the donation and seeing as you were nowhere to be found –not to mention are legally dead –and Dick is refusing to make any public appearances, I was given the lovely task.”
Jason grunted. He didn’t entirely believe the younger Robin’s story but he had heard a few of the nuns talking in the coffee shop about the orphanage gaining new funding. “You were always the best spokesman out of all of us. B made a wise choice.”
Tim hummed. “Maybe, but Dick was always more charismatic and you’ve always been able to bond with the orphans better than any of us.”
“Perk of being a street kid, I guess.”
Tim shrugged.
“So you really need brakes then?” Jason questioned and his younger brother shook his head.
“No,” Tim admitted. “My car’s fine, but I figured I’d stop by and see you while I was in town.”
“I knew it,” Jason gave a short, breathy laugh. “How the hell did you find me?”
“B’s known where you were for three months now,” Tim answered honestly. “I actually tried to come sooner but he forbid any of us from coming after you.”
The elder red’s brows knit together. “I would have thought he’d come after me himself after I shot his precious golden boy.”
The corners of Tim’s mouth turned down. “No one blames you for that. Dick told everyone that it was his fault. We’re just thankful you were in a clear enough mindset that you didn’t shoot him anywhere more vital. Damian is starting to complain that you didn’t, though. Dick’s bad mood is starting to get to him.”
“What’s wrong with goldie? His girlfriend leave him already?”
“What girlfriend?” Tim asked and Jason could tell that the younger man really had no idea what he was talking about.
“You haven’t heard, babybird? Dickie’s been fucking Rose Wilson.”
“Have you checked your sources?”
“I am the source,” Jason scoffed. “Witnessed it myself.”
Tim was silent for a moment. He watched Jason in a contemplative manner. “That’s odd.”
“Really? After he dated an alien princess, a magician, our own original batgirl, and a variety of girls he met as Nightwing and at charity events, you think it’s odd that he’s dating Rose Wilson?”
“Well, yeah. We all thought he was dating you. He didn’t…I mean...It wouldn’t be like him to cheat on you.”
Jason paused. “What?”
A slow nod was given to the oldest red by the younger. “You and he were spending so much time together that we assumed that you’d finally told each other how the other felt. When he told us that you took off because you two were fighting and he trigged a Lazarus episode….” Tim shook his head. “We thought his bad mood was because he was missing his boyfriend or that you had broken up. Did he cheat on you with Rose?”
“No. We were never together. Who’s we?”
“Alfred, Bruce, Damian, and I. The family. I guess we should have asked him. Sorry. We shouldn’t have assumed…”
“You thought we were dating?”
“Yeah, what else were we supposed to think? We all knew you liked each other and Dick was constantly going on about all the time you two were spending together. Damian was jealous for a while and had even planned a way to break you two up if Dick didn’t starting showing up at the cave more often.”
“We were just hanging out,” Jason supplied. “Surly Dickhead told you that.”
“What he told us was that he wanted an extra night off patrol so he could cuddle on the couch and watch movies with you.”
Jason took a moment to consider Tim’s words. The kid had to be incorrect. Dick had just been trying to spar Jason the guilt. He was once again being the sacrificial lamb. That’s all it was. Dick didn’t like Jason. Not like that. Jason would know. He’d confessed his feelings to the older man and had gotten no confession in return.
Never once had Dick said anything remotely close to, “I love you,” to Jason since his confession. He was fucking Rose Wilson for fucks sake! He only came after Jason that night because the Red Hood had been leaving a trail of bodies for weeks and he couldn’t stand the thought of his little brother being a murderer.
“I think you should come home,” Tim spoke up after a couple minutes of silence. “It’s obvious there’s more going on than we thought.”
Jason shook his head. “You’re wrong, kid. Going back to Gotham would be hell. Dick doesn’t want to see me.”
“Yes he does. Ever since he got out of the hospital he’s been trying to convince B to tell him where you are.”
“I can’t go back,” Jason stated sharply.
“Why?”
“You were half way right. One of us did confess our feelings. I told Dick how I felt. He made it clear that he doesn’t feel the same.”
Tim shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “But he does feel the same. He’s felt the same since your resurrection.”
Jason shook his head. For being the smartest robin, Timothy could really be dumb sometimes. Dick didn’t love him. Not like Jason loved him. Jason was just a kid brother to him. He’d just been someone to lean on when times were rough for the big bird.
“Look, kid,” Jason stated, “I don’t know what makes you think that Dickiebird likes me, but I’m not coming back to Gotham. You can crash at my place tonight if you need a place to stay. It’s shit, but it’s got a roof and walls.”
“I already have a room at a hotel.”
“Figured. Five star, right?”
Tim could tell that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Jason, so he let out a soft sigh. “Yeah, five star. They serve a mean swordfish. My plane back doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon. If you decide you want to come,” he dug in his jacket pocket and withdrew a cardboard envelope. He held the envelope out for Jason, who took it and analyzed the airline name written on the front, “I took the liberty of getting you a ticket. Flight leaves at three.”
“Thanks baby bird,” Jason held the envelope out for his brother to take back, “but I won’t be needing this.”
Tim shook his head and pushed the envelope away from him. “It’s yours. Just in case you change your mind. Whatever you decide, you should call Dick. I’ve got a feeling that whatever is going on is just one big misunderstanding.”
Tim didn’t say anything else, but offered a short wave before being on his way. Jason stood in the garage, turning the envelope holding his plane ticket over in his hands. Tim was wrong. The kid didn’t know what he was talking about. If he went back to Gotham he’d be met with a lecture from Bruce and hatred in Dick’s eyes, he was sure. Except he was also sure that Dick was physically incapable of hating anyone.
Jason growled as he harshly threw the ticket into the trashcan by a work bench. There was no way in hell he was going back to Gotham. No matter what nonsense the kid tried to convince him of.
“You get pretty boy’s business?” the shop owner entered the garage with an eager expression.
“No,” Jason ground out. “The guy was a real asshole.”
His boss chuckled. “Did you see the designer clothes he was wearing? Fucking kid doesn’t know a thing about fixing cars. He’ll be back. Either that or he’ll break daddy’s pocket book trying to get those parts from one of the upper class shops.”
Jason returned the laugh and grabbed a wrench to return to working on the blue truck. All the while, though, he could feel the ticket’s presence in the trash can and could hear Tim’s words repeating themselves in his head, “I’ve got a feeling that whatever is going on is just one big misunderstanding.”